For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace,
and not of evil, to give you an expected end.
Jeremiah 29:11
Grace smoothed her short, cropped hair back under her prayer kapp. She’d rather the bishop not see that her hair had been cut. Jeremy had made her cut her thigh-length hair because he liked it short and spiked. Now that she was back in the community, her hair was just another reminder of how far she’d moved away from her faith.
“You okay?” her brother asked.
“Jah. I need to sit for a while before I go in.” She looked at the bishop’s house and knew she didn’t have much longer before the bishop or his wife came out to greet them. Their house was a modest home and small in size for one in which twelve children had been raised. The bishop’s children were now grown, leaving Bishop Micah and his wife, Helga, on their own.
Matthew gave her a big smile and put a comforting hand on her shoulder. “Do you want me to come in with you? I’d rather wait here, but I’ll come in with you if you want.”
She’d always felt better with her big brother around. She’d missed the close family bonds and the friendliness of the community, and that was one thing she knew she’d appreciate about being back. Grace grabbed her brother’s hand. “You'll be waiting here? You won’t go anywhere?”
“I'll sit right here. Go on; you'll be okay.”
“I know it.” Grace had always been nervous whenever she’d talked to Bishop Micah. She always felt as though she never measured up to his expectations.
Grace jumped down from the buggy. As she walked, she listened to the crunching sounds that her feet made against the loose pebbles on the path that led to the porch. Before she knocked on the door, she turned around to get another look at her brother’s reassuring face. He gave her a nod, and as she turned back to knock, the door swung open. In front of her stood Bishop Micah. His dark beard was longer, but apart from that he looked just the same. He grasped her hand and pulled her into his small home.
“Grace, I was so pleased to hear from your vadder that you wanted to be baptized.”
Grace found herself relaxing thanks to his friendly manner. Before she had a chance to respond to what he’d said, Helga hurried toward her.
“Grace, it's so gut to see you again. Come and sit down in the living room. I've made us tea and cookies.”
Unlike her husband, Helga had changed. She’d put on a great deal of weight, which had made her face fuller but hadn’t detracted from her attractiveness. Being with Jeremy for so long had made Grace more focused on people’s physical appearance.
She sat on the couch still not knowing what to expect. Would the bishop ask her difficult questions and ask why she wanted to be baptized after all this time? Or would it be a more relaxed, informal occasion since there were tea and cookies?
Helga passed Grace a cup of tea after she handed one to her husband.
Grace took a sip of tea from the white china cup, and then plunged right into the reason she was there. She looked at the bishop. “Did my vadder tell you I want to be baptized?” She remembered the bishop had just told her that so she added, “He didn't exactly say what he said, but I do want to join the community properly. I’ve lived as an Englischer and decided it’s not for me.”
The bishop had just taken a mouthful of tea. He swallowed and then placed the teacup back onto the saucer. He nodded, and then looked directly into her eyes. “Your vadder told me what happened to your husband a few weeks back. Helga and I are deeply sorry that your husband passed without knowing Gott's salvation.”
Grace hung her head and looked down into her tea. Jeremy had always teased her about growing up Amish even though he hadn’t seemed to mind when they’d first met. He'd taunted her about it in their many arguments. She tilted her head upward. “He’s gone now, and I want to put my past life behind me so I can move forward.”
“We cannot be unequally yoked with unbelievers. It never works out.”
Grace looked into the bishop’s sympathetic face. “I know.”
The bishop grinned widely. “The old things are passed away, and all things become new. When you’re baptized, you’re a new creature in Gott’s sight. All your sins are washed away.”
In her mind, Grace could hear Jeremy laughing at the bishop. She could even hear him laughing at Helga and cruelly mocking the size of her. Grace nodded at the bishop and then sipped her tea some more. She wanted to be rid of Jeremy and all reminders of him. “That's exactly what I want. I want to be a new creature and to be born again. I need a new start.” That was one thing she knew Jeremy would hate for her to say.
“That's good, Grace,” Helga said while passing her a plate of cookies.
Grace looked down at the plate before her. Instead of seeing cookies, she saw a pile of white sugar and white flour, all of which she hadn’t touched in years to retain her slim figure. Jeremy had demanded that she stay skinny, and she’d done her best to please him. She smiled as she reached for one of the sugar-laden treats.“Denke, Helga.” Grace took the largest cookie on the plate.
“You understand the seriousness of the commitment you’re about to undertake?” The bishop leaned forward and his eyes seemed to bore through to her soul.
Grace chewed her mouthful quickly so she could answer. She swallowed before she had properly chewed and it stuck in her throat. Putting her hand to her neck, she started coughing. Helga flew off her chair, ran into the kitchen, and brought back a glass of water. Grace took mouthfuls to wash the cookie crumbs down. She was certain she could hear Jeremy laughing at the scene she’d just created.
“Denke, Helga.” Grace placed the glass on the coffee table in front of her and then nibbled some more on the delicious cookie. She’d forgotten how good sugar tasted.
“All better now?” Helga asked.
When Grace nodded, Helga sat down.
Grace rubbed at the sides of her temples with her fingertips. The bishop had just asked her a question before she choked. She looked into the bishop’s concerned face. “Jah. I do understand the seriousness of everything, and I'm ready for it. I've lived as an Englischer, and I want nothing more than to come back home to the community, be baptized, and enjoy Gott's kingdom.”
Without blinking the bishop asked, “Do you hold any bitterness in your heart against anyone?”
She did, but how did he know? Or was that something he asked of everyone?
“Doesn't all that get washed away when we’re baptized?” Grace asked.
“Once you become a believer, all your sins are washed away, but it's up to us to keep sin away from the heart. A root of bitterness can grow and pull your heart away from Gott.”
Has Dat told the bishop that Marlene and I don’t get along? If so, then why aren’t they talking to Marlene like this? Grace bit her lip. Then there was Jeremy. How would she ever forgive Jeremy for all the things he did to her? Grace took a deep breath.
“Is there anything you want to talk to me about?” he asked.
Would the bishop say that she had to forgive Jeremy before she could get baptized? She didn't know if she could ever find it in her heart to forgive him, but she did want to be baptized.
Grace felt tears stinging behind her eyes. Wasn't she better to bury feelings about Jeremy rather than speaking about them? She thought it best to come clean. “It's just that I don't think I can ever forgive Jeremy for all the horrible things he did to me.” Grace hung her head. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw the bishop and his wife look at each other.
“None of us is perfect, Grace. We walk a daily walk and do the best we can. Jeremy didn't have the advantage of knowing Gott like you do,” he said.
Grace looked up. The bishop's words were true. Jeremy had gotten furious whenever she’d mentioned God. Even though she took into consideration what the bishop said, she still hated Jeremy and knew it would take a long time for her broken heart to heal. He’d ruined her life. “I'm willing to work on my feelings toward him.”
“We forgive others because He first forgave us.”
Despite the image in her head of Jeremy doubled over laughing at the bishop, Grace nodded once more at what he had just said. “That makes sense.”
“Not everything will make sense. And when things don’t, we accept what He says by faith. For by grace are we saved and that is Gott’s gift to us.”
“So when can I be baptized?”
“We've got a few others who’ll be doing the required Bible studies and receiving the instructions. Monday night, right here, at seven in the evening; you can come here for the Bible study.”
“So in a few weeks?” Grace asked.
“Nee, this very next Monday, and then the next few Mondays after that. I don’t know how long it will take to get through it all; it varies depending on the amount of questions people have.”
“So you’ve not got long to wait, Grace,” Helga said while offering her another cookie.
She took one. “I'm looking forward to my new life.” Grace had always had a sweet tooth. It hadn’t been easy for her to stay off candy, chocolate, and especially ice cream. She didn't have to worry about her weight now that she was no longer under Jeremy’s control. He would often pinch her hips and make nasty comments. Now if she got fat, no one would notice under her roomy Amish dresses.
After another cup of tea and two more cookies, the visit with the bishop and his wife had come to a close. They walked Grace to the door.
“That's not Matthew out there waiting for you, is it?” Helga asked, looking at his buggy.
“Jah. He didn't want to intrude on our conversation, so he waited for me in the buggy.”
“What a good bruder,” Bishop Micah said.
“He always has been.” Grace said goodbye to the couple and headed toward the buggy.
Matthew waved at Helga and Bishop Micah, and they waved back.
When Grace climbed into the buggy, she said, “That talk made me feel much better.”
“Gut. I’m glad.” Matthew waved again at the bishop and his wife who stood in their doorway.
The bishop called out, “Monday night, Grace, don’t forget.”
“I’ll be there,” she called back. She turned to Matthew. “I’ll be baptized in a few weeks. I’ve got a Bible study every Monday night.”
“I’ll drive you there. Mamm and Dat will be pleased.”
And Marlene? Grace wondered. “Denke for driving me out here today, Matthew. I know this is right for me. I know you’ve had your doubts, but it’s something I’m ready for.”
He glanced over at her. “That means our whole familye has stayed in the community. All eleven of us.”
“I suppose that is a rare thing these days.” As they drove back home, Grace wondered where she’d be now if Marlene hadn’t ruined things with Adam all those years ago. She’d most likely be happily married to him with two, or even three children by now. She’d been back home for days, but no one had mentioned Adam even though he lived on the next-door property. It was most peculiar. Her mother had given her updates on nearly everyone else in the community but hadn’t said a word about him, and Grace had been too scared to ask. She had to assume that Adam had been married sometime in those four years she’d been away.