Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.
Isaiah 41:10
Grace froze when Adam asked her if she could be pregnant. Her eyes opened wide, and her mouth fell open. She was embarrassed that he asked her that personal question so openly. “I don’t think I could be.”
“Is there a possibility? These things do happen, Grace. My aunt’s a midwife and I've heard all kinds of stories.”
“Nee. I couldn't possibly be. It's impossible.”
“When did you say your husband died? Wasn't it only eight weeks ago?”
“Ten weeks now, but we weren’t trying to get pregnant. In fact, we were trying not to.” Grace knew that concept would be hard for Adam to grasp because none of the Amish used contraceptive interventions unless there were health reasons involved. A child was a blessing from God. It was then that it dawned on Grace that the physical symptoms she’d had might not have been due to stress or diet. “I suppose it is a possibility.”
“You want me to arrange for Aunt Sarah to come and see you?”
“I couldn't. Then everybody would know.”
He frowned.
“What I mean is everybody at my haus will know and I don't want to let them know that I might be pregnant.”
“I could have Aunt Sarah come here and see you.”
“Or I could just go and buy a test. I can just get one from a pharmacy, and then I'll know either way in minutes.” Grace chewed on her lip, wishing she had a female friend she could have this conversation with.
“I’ll drive you there right now.”
Grace covered her face in her hands; this couldn't be happening. “I'm scared to find out.”
“You being scared won’t change the outcome. Either you are, or you aren’t.”
“I’ll have to go back to the haus and get some money. You don't mind driving me?”
He stood up and offered her his hand. “Come on, I’ll even pay for it. I do have one buggy that you haven't broken.”
Grace smiled and gave him her hand. He lifted her to her feet. Then there was an awkward moment when she didn’t know if she should let go of his hand. They released each other’s hand at the same time while they walked to the barn. Grace leaned on the fence watching Adam hitch the buggy.
“Don't look so worried,” Adam said when they climbed into the buggy.
“I am worried. This could change my whole life.” Grace nibbled at her fingernails.
“I'm a firm believer that the things that happen to us in this life are always for the best even if they appear that they’re the worst thing that could possibly happen to you. A boppli is always a blessing from Gott even in your situation.”
Grace nodded. As soon as he said those words, ‘your situation’ Grace knew that he’d had no thoughts of marriage to her. He thought of her as merely a friend who might be about to become a mother. Grace blew out a deep breath. She couldn’t blame him. Besides, didn’t she deserve someone who would believe her over Marlene? Surely the perfect man for her would never have believed Marlene’s lies in the first place.
She felt Adam staring at her, so she looked at him, and he smiled at her. Grace smiled back, desperately wanting to tell him that it had been Marlene who’d wrecked his buggy, but she would continue to take the blame until Marlene confessed. Grace felt sorry for Marlene being so unsure of herself and her marriage. In a way, Marlene’s anxiousness to please Matthew reminded Grace of the way she had wanted more than anything to please Jeremy.
When they pulled up in town, Adam said, “I’ll wait here.”
She stared at Adam as he handed her some money. “Denke, for doing this Adam. You’re a gut friend.”
“I’m sure you’d do the same for me. Not that you’d ever have to.”
Grace gave a little laugh.
“Go on. Go now.”
She was too scared to get out of the buggy and hesitated.
“Go!” he said, a little more sternly.
“I’m going.” She got out of the buggy and entered the pharmacy, wondering what Jeremy would think of her life now. He would hate the fact that she’d returned to the community, and he’d hate the fact that she was friends with Adam. As she walked through the pharmacy she was grateful that there were few customers in the store. After she found what she was looking for, she rushed to the checkout.
After she paid, they wrapped it in a paper bag and she took it back to the buggy where Adam had been waiting patiently.
“Now what happens?” Adam asked.
“We go back to your place, and I’ll do the test there. I can't go back to my place.”
“Okay.”
As Adam drove back home, Grace stared at the paper package in her hands in silence. This was the first time she’d had need of such a test. In a few minutes, her life might change forever.
“Here we are,” Adam said, when he pulled up back at his house. “I’m guessing you’ll need to use the bathroom?”
She nodded.
“Upstairs on the left.”
“I remember.”
“I'll wait on the porch.”
Ten minutes later, Grace was sitting on the bathroom floor, not game to look at the test-stick. It was a four-minute processing time, and it was already past the five-minute mark. Despite her nerves, she knew that if the test was negative she would be disappointed.
She prayed a silent prayer. A single line meant she was not pregnant, and a two-line plus sign meant that she was. She turned it over and saw a plus sign. It was a miracle.
After she’d stared at the stick for a while, she threw it in the trash and went outside to tell Adam her news. She’d hoped that what she and Adam had once might be rekindled, but all hopes of that had been dashed with the recent buggy incident thanks to Marlene. Carrying another man's baby would most likely drive another wedge between them and push Adam even further away. But now her baby was her main priority and her feelings for Adam had to be pushed to one side.
He jumped to his feet when she came out his front door toward him. He raised his eyebrows, wanting to know the outcome.
“The test was positive,” she said collapsing into the porch chair next to the one he’d been sitting in.
“That's wonderful news.”
“Jah, it is.” She stared into his eyes and then looked out across his land into the distance.
“You should go and tell your family straightaway.” Adam added, “And you should also go and see my aunty.”
“Maybe I should see her first just in case the test was wrong. I don't want to get everybody's hopes up and then find out that there is no baby.”
Adam nodded. “Do you want me to take you to see her tomorrow? I could call her right now and tell her that we’re coming.”
“Would you do that?”
He nodded. “I will.”
“Denke.” Grace’s eyes suddenly filled with tears; she was having a baby. She had always wanted one, but Jeremy never had, and she’d only found out that information after they’d married. She’d assumed that everybody wanted babies. He had wanted to wait until they were in their thirties before they were tied down with what he called ‘ankle-biters.’
“Grace, what's wrong?” He crouched down next to her.
“I think I'm happy.” She wiped her tears away. “These are happy tears.”
“It does explain why you’ve been sick.”
“You're an expert, are you?” she asked with a laugh.
Adam chuckled. “I told you, my aunty told me some stories, and now I guess I am an expert.”
Again she was gripped by the urge to tell him that it had been Marlene who had driven his buggy like a mad woman, but she couldn't.
“What time tomorrow should we go and see your Aunt Sarah?”
“You stay right there. I'm going to go into the barn right now to call her.” Adam stood up and headed towards the barn.
Grace called after him. “Tell her she can't tell anyone I’m coming to see her.”
Without turning around, he waved a hand in the air, and said, “I know. I know.”
When he returned a few minutes later, Grace said, “Can she see us? I mean me?”
“Midday tomorrow. Will you be able to get away?”
“I will if I tell them I'm going out somewhere with you.”
Adam chuckled. “Like that, is it?”
“A little bit. I hope I’m not keeping you from your work?”
“I took the day off, and I’ll take some time off tomorrow as well.”
“You don't work the farm anymore?”
“I leased it. It was too big for me to handle by myself. My cousin, Rupert, and I run a mill on his property.”
“I didn't know that.”
“I thought Matthew might've mentioned it. He worked for us for a little while.”
“I didn't know that,” Grace repeated. “I've been gone for so long and so many things have changed.”
“Things don't change that quickly around here,” he said with a smile.
“That makes it seem as though I’ve being gone longer. Well, I better leave you alone. I’m sure you’ve got things to do.”
Adam opened his mouth to speak, but then hesitated. Grace felt that he wanted her to stay around but his common sense had prevailed. She stood up and so did he.
“I'll collect you at fifteen minutes before eleven tomorrow.”
“I appreciate all you’ve done.” She walked a few steps away from him, and then turned around. “Goodbye.”
“Wait!”
She hoped he would say that he wanted her to stay a little longer. Perhaps he would invite her to stay for something to eat?
“I’ll drive you home.”
“Nee, it's hardly any distance at all. The walk will do me good.”
Rather than going directly home, she walked farther into the fields that separated the two properties. She took some time to sit by the stream so she could sort things out in her mind. It seemed as though Jeremy was somehow still in control. Even in death he was affecting her life. She couldn’t let this baby be a constant reminder of the dreadful marriage she’d had.
This baby is mine and now, mine alone. She knew now in her heart, that she was having a baby. The tests were highly accurate. Grace placed both hands over her baby and looked down. She would not let Jeremy ruin this time for her.
She looked over at the water gently rippling, wondering what God had in store for her and her baby.
The one thing she hoped for was that God would give her a place to stay where she felt she belonged. She no longer felt comfortable living with her parents. It was hard to live there with Marlene constantly getting under her skin. Now that she was having a baby, she wondered if her parents would still chastise her and tell her what to do as they had always done.
Adam’s carving in the tree caught her eye as she stood to walk back home. Now, rather than a symbol of their love, it was a symbol of another wrong turn in her life. Once again she berated herself for reacting so hastily to Adam believing those lies. She was living a life she’d never thought she’d have. Her life was supposed to go just as her brothers’ lives had gone. They had met their loved ones, married, and had babies. Why had that simple formula been so hard for her to follow?