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Siddhi’s voice lilted as I entered her hippie lair.
“Jessica! So good to see you.”
I slowed my steps and looked around the room.
Where are you hiding your grumpy twin?
She walked over to me and put a hand on my shoulder, and her smile oozed with a jarring amount of warm energy.
“Come on in. Have a seat.”
“You know, would it kill you to have chairs?”
She grinned at me as she took a seat on a cushion and waited for me to join her.
Oh, alright.
As I sat, she watched me as if studying the mechanics of a person sitting down. Her soft gaze pried at some chamber that hid all my dark secrets.
Girl, back up with those searchlights.
“So, are you ready to be honest with me?”
“Um...”
“I have something for you.”
She swiveled her torso and reached behind her, fidgeting around in a brass box. She turned back to me and held out a thin cigar and a lighter.
“Is that a...”
“It’s a blunt.”
My mouth dropped open.
Are you fucking kidding me?
“I haven’t done one of those since college.”
“It’ll help you relax. I find it’s beneficial for my patients in therapy.”
She stroked the wheel on the lighter and held the flame under the end until it smoked.
This is a horrible idea.
I accepted it as she held it out to me, put it up to my lips, and drew a hit off it. The smoke-filled my lungs, and I coughed. My eyes burned and watered, and I handed it back to her.
“There. Happy?”
“Take a few more puffs of it.”
Ok, you’re trying to fuck me up with this shit.
“What have you got to lose, Jessica?”
Ouch.
I looked at the smoke rising off the end of the blunt. A soothing warmth bubbled up in my chest.
Fuck it. She’s right. I’ve got nothing to lose. I already lost it all.
“I told your husband, I’m not your typical therapist.”
“Yeah, I’d say.”
I took another long hit and coughed out my words.
“I hate therapists. No offense.”
She grinned.
“None taken.”
“Here. Take this,” I said.
She took it from me and placed the burning end in a small dish in between us.
When did that get there?
The dish reflected the light in the room off its shiny surface. The burnt red color in the ceramic reminded me of lava rolling down the sides of a volcano, and the room’s light that bounced off it appeared to cut through the lava in soft slivers of white. I stared at it for several minutes, mesmerized by its beauty.
“That’s a pretty bowl.”
Siddhi sat, smiling at me. She sparkled like the brightest star in the entire universe.
“And you have pretty eyes, Siddhi.”
How long has she been staring at me?
“Damn, I think I’m high. That’s some good shit.”
“Yes, well, we have good shit here in paradise.”
Paradise. Damn, the raisin is right. This place is a fucking paradise.
The deep reds, greens, and purples all around me soothed me as the sight of them caressed my vision with their bold brilliance. All around, the soft shimmer of gold threading trimmed their lines. The beaded curtains in the entryways twinkled with the sunlight grazing them from outside. They tapped against each other like the percussive section of an orchestra as the gentle breeze brushed by them.
This place is like a palace. Siddhi must be one rich bitch.
“Tell me about the men in your life before Ron.”
Her question grabbed at my stomach like twiddling fingers, unleashing an explosive belly laugh. I put a hand down to steady myself as tears streamed down my cheeks, and my chest erupted with an orgasmic fit of guffawing. After several minutes, my temples ached from the pounding of my continued hysterics.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”
I lifted the back of my hand to my mouth.
God, I didn’t think anyone could laugh this long. But that was fucking funny.
“Ugh. God. Ok, let’s see. The men in my life.”
It started again. My sides burned now, and my chest vibrated with tingles. It took another several minutes for me to pull myself together.
She must think I’m a bimbo. Get it together, Jessica.
“Um, the men. Well, do you wanna hear about my abusive father who cheated on my wonderful, selfless mother? Or maybe you’d like to hear about my asshole fiancé who cheated on me with the bitch I thought was my best friend?”
I continued to struggle with suppressing intermittent chuckles, and my tears made Siddhi’s face look fuzzy. I wiped the wetness from my face and squinted at her. Her eyes glistened like she might cry.
She thinks I’m pitiful. I mean, I am pitiful.
“Don’t cry for me, Argentina. Fuck those shitheads. Ya know? Like FUCK. THEM.”
I put a hand up to high five Siddhi, but she just smiled.
Ok, definitely thinks I’m a bimbo.
“Besides, I figured what’s good for the goose is good for the mother fucking gander.”
My fingers snapped my fingers while I moved my hand in the air, drawing a letter “Z.” Then, I pulled it back. The indention in my ring finger from Ron’s ring had almost disappeared.
Hmm, that didn’t take long.
I cocked my head to the side and frowned at it, blinking.
Focus, girl. What was the question? Oh, right.
“Yeah, my fucking father. Beat my mom. Beat me. He loved to use his belt. And the fiancé, well...”
A flash of my girlfriend rushed at me from the depth of my memory. On her knees in front of him, sucking his beautiful cock.
“I walked in on him with that cunt who pretended to be my friend.”
My hand raised, and I waved my finger at Siddhi.
“Shiddy, girl, never give your power over to a mother fucker. I don’t care if they seem harmless. Maybe they are harmless, ya know? But don’t take the chance. You don’t want to know what happens when they get some power.”
I smacked my lips to find any moisture in my mouth.
Hmm. I guess this salty ocean air took it all.
“Speaking of salt...”
My mouth scrunched up, and my eyebrows furrowed.
“Did I say something about salt?”
“No, dear. You were telling me about men and power.”
“Oh, right. Well, I could use some pretzels. Do you have any?”
“I’m sorry, Jessica. I don’t.”
My mouth bent into a scowl.
Well, that sucks. I’m gonna starve to death.
“So, Jessica, let’s talk about Ron.”
“Now, there’s a sweet guy. I mean, if there is a sweet guy on the planet, it’s Ron Stroker, but to prove my point, as soon as he got some power, he wanted to punish me.”
“Because you cheated on him.”
“Well, yeah...”
“With his boss.”
“Yeah.”
“Is that the first time you cheated?”
I looked around the room for cameras.
Do they execute people on this island? Like, burn them at the stake? Or maybe crucify them?
I pointed at her.
“Look, Sidley, if you’re about to bring the tunic brigade in here to haul me off, don’t let them nail me to a cross or some shit...”
She chuckled.
“No, no crucifixions here. Not in my sessions. You’re safe.”
I wrinkled my brow and turned to examine the room behind me. The curtained exits continued rattling in the breeze, but no one came through them.
Maybe she’s telling the truth.
“Yeah, ok. I cheated before. With my old boss, Steve, on a business trip. That’s when it started.”
“And what did cheating on Ron do for you?”
“I mean, it was pretty exciting. Breaking the rules and all.”
The skin on my forearms itched.
“My father had rules. Lots of rules.”
My voice became gruff and oafish, and I scowled as I pointed at the air.
“You can’t wear that in public, Jessica. You look like a whore!”
I stuck my tongue out.
“Fuck you, Charles. I am a whore.”
My eyes crept back to the old woman, looking for signs of judgment. She just kept that locked gaze on me.
“So, yeah, being a whore. Doing what I want with my body. Fuck the rules. It felt good. It felt fucking amazing.”
“Did you tell, Ron?”
“Not that time. I wasn’t ready. But with Austin, his boss, I told him.”
“And why did you tell him?”
My head jumped back on my neck.
That’s a fucking brilliant question.
My chest puffed up with the memory of driving home that night. Armed with the poisonous truth, ready to unleash it on Ron’s tender soul. And to see how he would react.
“I felt powerful, ya know? Telling him. And I think...”
My voice cracked, and a warmth expanded in my chest.
“I don’t know. I wanted to know what he’d do.”
“What were you expecting?”
“I don’t know. Same shit. That he would crucify me. He could have, ya know. And he kinda did, but he kinda didn’t. I guess I wanted to know if he was different. Or just like the others. If he saw the horrible whore inside me, would he still be the adoring husband, or would he turn into my monster of a father?”
My earns burned, and my toes curled.
“Shit. Did I just say that out loud?”
Siddhi grinned at me.
“What do you keep smiling at?”
“You, Jessica. You’re amazing, and you’re on the brink of a breakthrough.”
“Pfft! More like a breakdown.”
Am I laughing or crying? Or both?
I poked at my lips, testing them for feeling.
“And amazing? Like an amazing shit show, right?”
Ok, this is laughing. Damn, I’m funny.
Siddhi smiled but failed to appreciate my brilliant comedy routine.
“No, you’re a survivor,” she said.
Ok, that’s a stretch, sister. Let’s bring this back on down to earth.
“I’m a lying, cheating whore and an evil cunt. Ron deserves better.”
“I agree with the first part, but not the second.”
I raised my eyebrows.
Bitch, say what?
“Jessica, a lot of therapists would disagree with what I’m about to say, and that’s their right. But I’ve worked with a lot of couples. A lot of cheaters. There are men for whom a lying, cheating whore is the perfect partner.”
“Where can I find these men? Mars? I heard there are men from there?”
I snickered.
Men are from Mars. Nice one, Jessica.
“Are you sure you don’t have one of them?”
“Uh, yeah, in case you forgot, he’s divorcing me.”
“So what.”
“Whoa, chickee. Look, don’t take this the wrong way, ok, Sliddlee? How much of this stuff do you smoke every day?”
A brief chuckle? That’s all I get? C’mon.
“Here are some questions to ponder, Jessica. And I’ll leave you with them. What if Ron is leaving because he thinks your cheating is about him? What if he thinks you have no respect for him? That he is just an unloved toy to you?”
“I mean, I can see how he might think that.”
“But is it true? Does your cheating have anything to do with him? Or does it reveal a truth about you?”
“That would be a horrible truth.”
“Take ‘horrible’ out of it. Try not to judge yourself, Jessica. Seek to understand.”
“Yeah, I’ve been digging at that scab since I fucked Steve. There’s no understanding me.”
“Let me put it another way. How likely is it you’ll cheat on your next partner?”
Hmmm. Pretty damn likely.
“And if it’s likely, why?”
“That’s some deep shit right there.”
“Yes. Deep shit. Now, go ponder.”
“And you don’t have any pretzels?”
Siddhi smiled.
“I’m sure they have some at the bar.”
“My favorite place. Well, namaste and shit.”
“Yes, Jessica. Namaste.”
