JASPER SAT IN his truck for several minutes, not sure what to do, think or feel. Renee’s response had stunned him. He’d certainly been aware of the possibility that she might not share his feelings, but he’d never thought that she would be that upset and simply walk away from him. Funny how he’d been so worried about healing from his own past, he’d never considered that she might not be over hers.
He wanted to do something, but what? There weren’t words to convince her that everything was going to be fine. How could there be? Life was always a crapshoot. If only he didn’t already miss her.
His phone buzzed with a text. He grabbed it, hoping it was Renee. But instead the message was from Drew.
San Francisco is kicking the Rams’s collective asses my friend. You’re going to owe me $20.
At first the message made no sense. It was as if Drew were using a language Jasper didn’t speak. Then the meaning sank in. The weekly football pool he was in with his friends. He and Drew always had a side bet on the Thursday night game and tonight it was San Francisco and the Rams.
He scrolled through his contacts, then pushed the call button.
“Twenty big ones,” Drew said by way of greeting. “You’re going to owe me, my man. Ha!”
“Can I come over?” Jasper asked.
“Sure. I’m home. What’s wrong?”
“I’ll tell you when I get there.”
Jasper made the short drive to his friend’s house. Drew had the front door open before Jasper had turned off his truck’s engine.
“What’s going on?”
Drew sounded concerned. That was nice, Jasper thought. Having someone who would listen, someone who would care. He hadn’t had a group of friends in a long time. No matter what happened with Renee, he would get through it. He had his writing and Koda and guys like Drew. If things got really bad, he knew how to ask for help. He was a lucky man. Except for the fact that the woman he loved had kicked him to the curb.
“I told Renee I was in love with her,” he said. “It didn’t go well.”
Drew motioned for him to come inside. “I’m sorry. I thought things were going good with her.”
“I did, too. I tell myself it’s because she’s not ready, but what do I know?”
He followed Drew into the family room of the large house. His friend got him a beer, then joined him on the sofa. The game was on the big TV up on the wall but the sound was muted.
“Start at the beginning,” his friend said.
Jasper told him about the one-sided conversation and how Renee had accused him of breaking the rules. He didn’t mention the heavy weight of sadness or how all his hope was gone.
“It wasn’t supposed to get serious,” he said. “She’s right about that. I just thought things had changed. I guess they had, but only for me.”
He thought about all the times she’d made it clear that she wasn’t interested in getting involved. She never talked about getting married or having kids. Maybe she’d been telling the truth all along.
“I should have listened,” he said. “I should have paid attention to what she was saying.”
“It’s not wrong to love her,” Drew told him. “It’s a gift.”
“Renee’s not big on gifts.”
“Want to stay here tonight? We have a guest room.”
“Thanks, but I need to get back to Koda.” He’d promised his dog he wouldn’t be gone all night. Plus, he knew there was no way he was sleeping. Not with a Renee-sized hole in his heart.
RENEE COULDN’T REMEMBER the last time she’d felt so awful. Maybe after Turner had broken off his engagement to her, but she wasn’t sure. Because as much as that had hurt, she’d known the reason had very little to do with her. Yes, her mother’s ability was weird, but was it really a reason to dump and run? Or had Turner been looking for an out all along?
She’d never gotten the answer to that question and now, as she huddled on the floor in her bathroom, wondering if she was going to throw up her breakfast the way she’d thrown up her dinner the previous night, she knew that in many ways, this was different. Worse. Because not only was she desperately missing Jasper, she knew she only had herself to blame.
Last night she’d been able to get by on righteous indignation. The man had broken the rules. He taken their perfectly wonderful relationship and twisted it into something she couldn’t recognize. He’d been wrong and horrible and how dare he tell her he love her! What was up with that?
But this morning there was too much sadness for her to be mad. She knew she’d done the right thing and now she had to deal with the painful consequences.
She leaned against the side of the bathtub and waited for her stomach to settle. It wasn’t as if she could have responded any other way. She’d been burned too many times. Every relationship she’d ever had had failed.
Not with her mom, of course, but that was different. They were family. And her friendships here in Happily Inc were good. She loved working with Pallas and now they were going to be business partners. But her last serious boyfriend had lied about being married and there was Turner and her father had walked out on her and those kids in high school had treated her like a freak so it made sense that she wasn’t going to accept that Jasper loved her.
Love was not in the cards for her. She’d made that decision and she wasn’t changing her mind now. Her way was safer. Her way made sense. Her way sucked the big one, but life was pain.
She gave herself fifteen more minutes of waiting on her stomach, then got ready for work. No matter how bad she felt, this was the Scottish wedding weekend and she was going to make sure it was magnificent.
She arrived at Weddings Out of the Box in time to confirm the caterer was doing a great job setting up for the rehearsal dinner. After a quick pass to make sure everything put out the previous day was still in place, she retreated to her office to make her phone calls confirming everything from flowers to the cake delivery.
Normally her final to-do list only took her two or three hours, but today she spent most of the morning working through it. She was slightly less nauseous than she had been, but much more emotionally devastated than she’d thought she would be. She could focus for the moment, then she remembered what had happened with Jasper and she got shaky again. She expected her heart to be battered but what was up with her inability to concentrate?
At noon she made sure the setup for the rehearsal dinner was complete. The caterer had also put out the tables for the reception. They would be decorated in the morning. She’d double-checked on all that she could. The cake would be arriving in the next thirty minutes and would be fully assembled by six that evening when it would be locked in the special cake-only refrigerated space. She was just wondering if she could keep down lunch or if she should simply skip the meal when Silver and Wynn arrived.
“Hi,” Renee said, a little surprised to see them. “Everything okay?”
Silver shrugged. “I’m good. How are you doing?”
There was something in her tone. Something... “You know what happened?”
“Jasper stopped by to see Drew and Drew told me when Jasper left. You doing all right?”
“Sure. I mean it’s sad and all, but I’m fine.” Did that sound as normal as she hoped? Not that she was lying—not really. She was feeling all right, or she would be eventually.
Silver glanced at Wynn. Neither of them looked convinced.
“Did you guys have a fight?” Wynn asked.
“There was no fight. Jasper wanted to take things to the next level and I don’t. It’s no big deal.”
“Are you sure? I thought you were pretty happy together.”
“We were. He’s great.”
More than great. She liked being around him. He could be annoying and bossy and determined to get his way, but when she explained the problem, he really got what he’d done and did better the next time. He admitted his flaws, he’d hung out with her mom, he was a fabulous kisser.
And caring, she thought, remembering how he was so considerate of Koda.
“I miss him, of course,” she said, fighting a flood of emotion. “But that will pass.” It had to. Time healed and all that. “I know I’m doing the right thing.”
Wynn shook her head.
“What?” Renee demanded. “You think I should accept what he said? Just like that? Say sure and go for it? Trust him with who I am? What happens when he dumps me? What happens when there are forty-seven reasons why it won’t work? I’m tired of having my heart broken all the time. I won’t go through it again. I won’t and you can’t make me.”
“You’re scared.” Wynn’s voice was soft. “I get that. You’ve had to deal with some stuff in your life and you’re scared and it’s much easier to pretend you don’t want what he’s offering because if you do want it then you can be hurt. You can be broken and there are only so many times you can pick up the pieces.”
Renee fought against tears. “I know and it hurts.” She waited for her friends to hug her.
“Get over yourself,” Wynn told her.
“What?”
“You heard me. Get over yourself. Jasper is a great guy and you’re going to lose him because you’re a coward. Girlfriend, you think you have regrets now? Wait until he’s moved on and you wake up and realize you had a chance with him and now it’s over. He’s done with you and you’re alone because you were too afraid to take a chance.”
Silver’s eyes widened. “Is that what you think about Jasper?”
“Me?” Wynn rolled her eyes. “No and no. Look, he and I had a great time, but it was never going to be anything. I made sure of that with my rules about Hunter. He never loved me enough to fight and I never cared enough to bend. We let each other go without a backward glance. I don’t regret Jasper but I do regret keeping myself so closed off all the time. Now it’s been so long, I’m not sure I can find my way back.”
Her voice softened. “Renee, don’t give up on yourself and don’t live with regrets. They hurt the most. You’re stuck in the past when you have a wonderful man offering you the future. What more do you want?”
“I want to know for sure. I want to believe that it’s going to be okay.”
“It’s not going to be okay if you just sit on your butt, feeling sorry for yourself. Success is about showing up. You’re running in the other direction.”
“That’s easy for you to say. You don’t know what I’m dealing with.”
Wynn’s expression turned sad. “We’re all dealing with crap from our past. You think you’re the only one? You’re not.”
“She’s right,” Silver said softly. “Look at what I went through with Drew. But I toughed it out and now we’re married and it’s great.”
“Which is fine for you, but you can’t make me do this,” Renee shouted. “I won’t let you. You don’t understand. You can never understand.”
She turned and made her way to her office. As she climbed the stairs, it occurred to her that she was spending a lot of time running from something rather than to something. But being a coward was easy and she wasn’t sure at all that she had what it took to be brave.
JASPER HADN’T KNOWN what to do about Hanna and Graham’s wedding. Hanna had texted him twice, telling him what time the rehearsal started and inviting him to the Sunday morning brunch. He had already committed to attending the ceremony and reception, but with everything that had happened with Renee, he wasn’t sure if he should go to any of it. Late Friday afternoon, he was still undecided, then figured what the hell. He would handle whatever happened. Renee wasn’t the type to make a scene—not only wasn’t it in her nature, she would never do anything to upset one of her happy couples.
Besides, he had a gift for Hanna and Graham—he was dedicating the book to them for letting him use their wedding as a backdrop for his story.
He unwrapped the pages he’d had mounted on poster board. The first one—the one that mattered most—had two dedications. To R, with love, followed by a paragraph thanking Hanna and Graham. The second one only had the thank-you.
He thought about bringing the first one and letting the truth hang out there. Except there would be questions and those questions would detract from the evening. Besides, he didn’t want to embarrass Renee or make her feel bad. He only wanted to make her happy, to love her, to know they could be together always.
He grabbed the one with the single paragraph, told Koda he wouldn’t be late and walked out to his truck. As he drove down the mountain, he realized he had no idea what was going to happen at the rehearsal and dinner to follow. He missed Renee more today than he had yesterday—which was not comfortable news. At this rate, within a week, being without her would be unbearable. He was already using the breathing techniques he’d learned in his therapy sessions and he was thinking maybe he and Koda should get in the motor home and go somewhere for a couple of months. Being on the road always made him feel better. He could get away from all the Renee-reminders in town and start his next book.
Only he didn’t want to go anywhere. Not without her. He had it so bad, he would rather see her and feel the pain of not having her than be away from her. Which left him in an impossible situation.
He arrived at Weddings Out of the Box a few minutes before the rehearsal was due to start. A quick scan of the parking lot told him that Renee’s car wasn’t there. He knew she and Pallas had divided the duties—with Renee handling the rehearsal and wedding and Pallas stepping in for Sunday’s brunch.
They must have switched things up, he thought grimly. Pallas was here tonight, when it was a smaller group. Tomorrow he would be easier to stay away from—and even if he wasn’t, Renee would never disappoint Hanna.
Until that very second, he hadn’t realized how much he’d been looking forward to seeing her. He loved her. There was no getting around that, he thought as he walked toward the building. He loved her and wanted to spend the rest of his life with her, and she wasn’t interested. He couldn’t figure out if she simply didn’t share his feelings or if she was too scared to take a chance on him, but knew it didn’t matter. In the end, they weren’t together anymore and he was going to have to figure out how to deal with that and move on.