JASPER REVIEWED HIS PAGES, knowing he was close to figuring out the ending, but still not there yet. If he was just dealing with Vidar and the killer, he would be fine. It was Mandy who was throwing things off. Or rather how Vidar was supposed to deal with Mandy. He just couldn’t get the flow of events lining up correctly with dialogue that made sense.
Part of the problem was the book, and part of the problem was him. Or rather his definition of himself, which seemed to be changing by the minute, or at least the day.
He’d been unable to shake Wynn’s statement that he wasn’t broken anymore, mostly because he didn’t know where that left him. Whole sounded nice, but there were expectations. If there wasn’t that much wrong with him then why couldn’t he fall in love, get married and have a family, just like everyone else? He kept circling back to the question, and he couldn’t seem to come up with an answer.
Just as confusing, he didn’t know where Renee fit in. He cared about her. He enjoyed being with her. He respected her. He wanted to spend time with her, and not just in bed. So what did that mean? Was it like-plus? The other L word? He didn’t have a clue and he wasn’t sure how he was supposed to figure it out.
He tried to distract himself with a long walk. Koda trotted ahead of him as they made their way through the forest. They were back before eleven and just in time to get a text from Renee saying she was on her way.
“Any suggestions?” he asked Koda.
His dog rolled onto his back for a belly rub.
“I’ll take that as a no.”
He waited anxiously for Renee to arrive and walked out the front door when she pulled up.
“You’ll never guess,” she said as she got out of the car. “Seriously, it’s not possible. My mother is dating Ed.”
It took him a second to remember who Ed was. “Carol’s dad?”
“Uh-huh. They’re probably sleeping together, which I don’t want to talk about, but can you believe it? I don’t mind the relationship, but it’s weird. My mom never dated when I was growing up. This is new territory. I tried to be all cool and sophisticated, but I think I failed. I want her with someone who makes her happy, but it’s so strange to think about. Parents dating. What was God thinking?”
She sighed. “Enough about that.” She raised herself on tiptoe. “How are you?”
“Good.”
They walked into the house and went through to his office. Koda trailed after them, stopped at his bed and flopped down. Renee pulled the extra office chair close to his desk.
“Tell me where you are in the book.”
“The serial killer has Mandy and her daughter, and Vidar is coming to rescue them. There’s going to be a fight where Vidar is injured and maybe Mandy, I haven’t decided. Vidar gets the killer in the end.”
She frowned. “Why do you need help with that? You do complex fight scenes all the time. You do fight scenes with sticks and all kinds of scary stuff.”
She had a point. He liked the fight scenes. He could block them out like a movie, going step-by-step.
“I guess I want them to talk,” he admitted. “But I don’t know what they’re going to say. I don’t want Mandy to be completely passive, but it’s not like she has any skills.”
“Is she tied up?” Renee asked. “Are she and her daughter bait?”
“Maybe. I hadn’t thought of that.”
“If they were bait, Mandy would be really scared, but also really mad. She doesn’t want to be the reason Vidar gets killed, and she doesn’t want anything to happen to her daughter. The kid kind of gets in the way of the two of them dealing with each other, though, so maybe the daughter is unconscious. That would scare Mandy even more. And if Vidar’s in danger, trying to save them, she’s totally on the edge. She cares about him, so she won’t want him to take any chances. But he cares about her, too, and her daughter. He can’t not save them and he’s the kind of guy who will put his life on the line.”
“He would do that for anyone.”
“I know, but it’s different if he’s in love with her. It makes the danger personal. He would take chances with her and her daughter that he wouldn’t take for anyone else. He’s more vulnerable.”
Jasper hadn’t thought about it that way, but she was right. Vidar was more vulnerable. He might push himself harder or take a different kind of risk.
He could see the scene in his mind. Having Mandy trapped worked. She would hate it and yet she wouldn’t want to die.
“What would they talk about?” he asked, more to himself than Renee. “She would want to warn him.”
“I don’t think they’d have a regular conversation, if that’s what you’re asking. I’m about to die, and we need milk?”
Jasper grinned. “I was thinking more about an emotional declaration.”
Renee wrinkled her nose. “Don’t do that.”
“Why not? What if one of them dies? Wouldn’t you want to hear you were loved before a serial killer slit your throat?”
“I guess. I’m just not sure how much it’s going to matter in those last few choking seconds. Plus, if they don’t die, then for the rest of their lives, they’re going to remember the first time they said they loved each other. The memory will be tainted.”
He wanted to disagree, but he wondered if it was a guy thing versus a girl thing. Would a guy want to say it so it wasn’t unsaid and would a woman...
“Would you say it, if you thought you were going to die?” he asked.
“Shout out ‘I love you’ right before my throat is cut?” She shrugged. “I don’t know. It just seems like a tacky way to do it. Why not last night at dinner or two weeks ago when she was folding your socks? If it takes a near death experience for you to get your feelings, then maybe they’re not real to begin with. Maybe they’re just the adrenaline talking. Love is flashy in the movies and stuff, but in real life, love is steady. It’s not the peak moments, it’s the everyday grind and how love makes it better. I’m not saying it has to be wine and roses but wouldn’t it be better to say it because you wanted the other person to know and not because one of you might die?”
He studied her. “When you fell in love with Turner, how did you know?”
She looked startled, as if she hadn’t been expecting the question. “I don’t know,” she hedged, glancing away. “We were dating and spending time together. He started to matter more and more. I realized over time. It wasn’t any one thing—it was a lot of little things. My feelings got bigger until they were love.”
He’d never been in love. There’d been the girl he’d left behind when he’d joined the army, but he’d been a kid and she’d been just as young. When things had ended, they’d both quickly moved on. He’d had a lot of short-term relationships in the military but those were never expected to be more than a way to get through the night. After, well, he’d been too shattered to imagine ever being able to function. Love hadn’t been an emotion he’d even considered.
And now?
It was a question that had no answer.
“Vidar’s scared,” he said quietly, turning his attention to his character. “He’s been so careful to hold back, to never let anyone in. Mandy got to him in ways he didn’t expect and now she’s in danger and it’s his fault and he’s screwed.” He stared at Renee. “He doesn’t want to tell her he loves her, he wants to apologize. He wants to make it right and the only way to do that is to save her and her daughter, even if he dies in the process. He’s always willing to save the victim, but this is different. Saving those two redeems him.”
The pieces fell into place and he could see everything that needed to happen. Renee surprised him by smiling, then standing and kissing him on the mouth.
“I’ll see you later,” she said, already walking to the door.
“Where are you going?”
“You have that look I’ve come to recognize. You’re going to tell me that you need just fifteen minutes to get a few thoughts down and then you’ll disappear for three or four hours.” She paused in the doorway. “It’s okay, Jasper. It’s who you are and it’s kind of cute.”
“Rain check?” he asked, already sliding toward his computer.
“Promise.”
He pulled up his word processing program and stared at the screen. After deleting the dialogue he’d written that morning, he started typing.
JASPER FINISHED THE book about ten Sunday night. He spent two days editing it, then sent it off to both his editor and agent. Wednesday morning he woke up, took Koda on a long hike, then returned to his house to begin the ritual of cleaning out his office before he started thinking about his next project, all the while assuming Sara was going to call and tell him what he’d submitted was total crap and that not only wouldn’t they publish it, they were canceling the rest of his contract and blackballing him from any future publications. Because an undisciplined imagination was a very bad thing.
He’d just finished breakfast when his phone rang. He stared at the 212 number, wondering if his editor was calling about the book, told himself she couldn’t be, and that he would deal regardless, and took the call.
“Hey, Sara.”
“Morning, Jasper.”
“There’s no way you’ve read the book. You’ve only had it since last night.”
“I started it. I was only going to read the first few pages, and here I am, still at my desk. I had to cancel three meetings to keep reading! I’m eighty pages in and I can already tell it’s your best one yet. I love Mandy. She’s fantastic. I’ll admit it—I wasn’t sure you could pull off writing a woman, but you did. She’s smart, she’s funny, she’s caring. I love her daughter. I love how competent she is at her job. The wedding planning behind the scenes is so interesting.” She laughed. “So I’m just going to ask. Who is she?”
Relief eased the tightness in his chest. Maybe his career wasn’t over.
“Who is who?”
“The woman who inspired Mandy. Come on. I know how you work. Real life influences your stories more than it does for most authors. Mandy is an amazing character and I’m guessing she’s based on someone. So who is she?”
Jasper grinned. “Her name is Renee.”
“I knew it!”
“She’s a wedding planner and the big wedding at the end is based on a wedding here in town. I have the bride and groom’s permission to use the details. I’ll send you a copy of the releases they signed.”
Sara sighed. “No way. The Scottish wedding is real? I want to see that.”
“It’s this weekend. Want to fly out?”
“I wish I could. So, about Renee. Tell me about her. Was it love at first sight and then you flew off to Rome?”
“What are you talking about?”
“I want the story to be romantic. That would make me happy.”
“Okay,” he said slowly. “Don’t take this wrong, but when it comes to my personal life, your happiness isn’t that important to me.”
“You’re no fun. But you are wildly in love with her, aren’t you? You have to be. The way you write about her, what else could it be?”
In love with... In love? He went from relieved to freaked in less than a second and he had no idea what to say. He wasn’t in love with anyone. He couldn’t be. He was broken and damaged and all things...
“Jasper?”
“What? I’m here.”
“Sorry. I crossed a line there. You don’t have to tell me about Renee. I just knew one day you’d meet someone and it would be wonderful. I’m glad that’s true and I really hope it works out.”
“Uh, thanks.”
“You’re welcome. Okay, I’m going to stop reading because I have meetings I can’t cancel. I’ll get you notes within a couple of weeks, but I doubt they’ll be much. You did great.”
“Thanks. Talk to you soon.”
He hung up and stared at Koda.
“She liked the book.”
He was going to focus on that because thinking about anything else was just too terrifying. In love with Renee? He couldn’t be. He wasn’t. They weren’t. It was just fun and friendship and sex.
Are you in love with my daughter? Verity’s words came back to him, making him wonder what was wrong with everyone. Why did it have to be love? Why couldn’t it just be what it was and everyone was happy?
Koda stretched out in his bed.
“Nothing to add?” he asked the dog. “No opinion on the matter?”
Koda closed his eyes, which Jasper took as a no.
RENEE WAS DETERMINED that every single detail for Hanna and Graham’s Scottish wedding would be perfect. Not only did she really like the couple, she was still dealing with the debacle that had been the Halloween wedding. She needed happy we’ll-be-blissful-together-all-our-lives vibes resonating through the entire property.
She and Pallas had already performed their ritual cleansing with the burning of white sage smudge sticks and sprinkling salt on the floors and carpets. A good vacuum later and all the rooms seemed happier. A silly tradition to be sure, but one they followed faithfully whenever a wedding didn’t happen. Better to be safe, and all that.
She reviewed her to-do list for the next few days. Friday was the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner. Saturday was the wedding itself and Sunday morning was the goodbye brunch. The Friday and Sunday events were easy. Just setup and takedown, with very little in between. The catering service was in charge of the meals. Silver was sending her smallest trailer to handle the bar service, and there were no special decorations or entertainment.
The wedding on Saturday was a big deal with three hundred guests, so a full house for Weddings Out of the Box. There was a traditional service and a dinner reception following with a live band and dancing until at least eleven. It was going to be a long day.
But a happy one, Renee thought, excited to be a part of the weekend. She and Pallas had divided the duties. Renee would take the rehearsal and the wedding while Pallas would man the Sunday brunch. They’d hired a couple of college kids to work the Saturday night reception, mostly to help out Renee and be another set of hands if needed. Renee wanted everything to be perfect.
She walked through the main building to where the wedding would be. Chairs were already in place, along with the pole where they would string the floral garland at the front by the podium. Outside, the huge white tent was up, and the tables and chairs were in place there, as well. The plates, glasses and flatware had been delivered, along with dozens of flat bowls to be used as the centerpieces. Clematis blossoms would float in the bowls with greenery scattered across the table.
Knowing she’d done all she could for today, she returned to her office and was surprised to find Ed waiting for her. Carol’s father was handsome, with dark red hair and an easy smile. Renee hadn’t spent a lot of time with him, but what she knew, she liked and he made her mother happy, so that was all that mattered.
“Hi,” she said, not sure if she should ask why he was here or—
“I hope it’s okay I stopped by.” He rubbed his hands against his jeans, looked at her, then away, then back at her. “Do you have a minute?”
“Of course.” She motioned to a chair.
He started toward it then shook his head. “I should stand. It’s easier.”
“Is my mom okay?”
“What? She’s fine. Busy getting ready for her show. It’s going to be exciting for her. She’ll be successful—I’m sure of it. She’s a great woman. A wonderful woman.”
He swallowed. “I’m in love with her. I had no idea I could fall in love again. I didn’t expect to and I wasn’t looking, but suddenly there she was. It was like being struck by lightning. The second I saw her, I knew. It was fate.”
Renee hadn’t known they’d been going out for more than a few days, so she wasn’t prepared to have her friend’s father declare his love for Verity. Fortunately, Ed didn’t seem to expect an answer.
“I thought I had everything I wanted here, but now that I’ve met Verity, that’s not true anymore. My brother Ted is more than capable of handling things. The recycling center practically runs itself and Carol manages the staff that looks after the animals. There’s no reason I couldn’t make a change.”
Renee had no idea what they were talking about. “You’re thinking of moving?”
“What? Yes, to San Diego. I want to marry your mother.”
Renee sank down in the visitor’s chair. Her mother getting married? “But you’ve only known each other a few weeks.”
Ed nodded. “It’s quick, I know, but I’ve never felt like this before. I’m certain I can make her happy. I want to spend the rest of her life doing that.” His expression turned stricken. “It’s not about the money. I’ll sign a prenup. I just want her.”
Renee couldn’t gather her thoughts together. She managed to stand and smile at Ed. “I’m not worried that you’re after her money or anything like that. It’s all happening so quickly. I want her to have everything she wants. What did she say when you proposed?”
“I haven’t. I wanted your permission.”
“Mine?”
Everything about this moment was surreal. Why would her permission matter? Her mother was a capable woman who knew her own mind and had been making her own decisions for longer than Renee had been alive. Only Renee recognized that Ed wasn’t saying Verity couldn’t decide—instead he wanted Renee to be a part of things. The gesture was sweet. A little unexpected, but sweet.
“Of course,” she said with a smile. “I hope you two will be very happy together.”
There was a squeal from the hallway, then Carol raced in and hugged her.
“I was eavesdropping,” Carol said happily. “I couldn’t help myself. We’re going to be sisters. I’m so excited. You can’t move away. You have to promise.”
Carol’s sister, Violet, had moved to England a couple of years back. Carol still complained about it.
“Your mom is so great,” Carol continued. “I never thought my dad would find anyone but I knew the first time I saw them together.” She clapped her hands. “We’re a family.”
She kept talking, then Ed hugged them both and it was a happy moment, but all Renee heard was “We’re a family.”
While she’d always had her mom, there had never been any other relatives. Not since her dad had left. It had just been the two of them. Renee had always wanted a sister, an aunt or uncle, grandparents, and while she wasn’t exactly getting anything like that, she was getting family. A place to belong.
Unexpected tears burned in her eyes. “I’m so happy,” she whispered.
“Us, too,” Ed told her. “I’m driving to San Diego right now. I want to propose right away. You girls take care.”
He walked out. Renee stared after him. “You girls.” Like they were both his daughters. She loved the sound of that.
“Do you think she’ll say yes?” Carol asked, sounding anxious.
Renee thought about how blissful her mother had been and how alone she’d been for so long. Ed was a good guy and from what he’d said, it had pretty much been love at first sight for both of them.
“How could she not?” she asked with a laugh. “Come on. Let’s go out and celebrate.”
She was going to have a family. Later she would text Jasper and tell him the great news. Maybe he could figure out a way to put it in his next book.
JASPER HADN’T SLEPT in two days. Not because of nightmares or a book idea that wouldn’t let go but because he was trying to make sense of his feelings for Renee.
He wanted to say his confusion had started with his editor’s questions, but he knew the problem had begun long before that. Maybe when Wynn had pointed out he wasn’t broken anymore or even back when he and Renee had first spent the night together. Or maybe the first time she’d understood that he got lost in a book and hadn’t been mad about it.
There was something about her. Something that drew him in and made him want to stick around. Something that made him wonder if maybe his life was better with her in it.
God knew he’d screwed up. He still winced when he thought about how he’d horned in on the wedding, going behind her back, and later, how he’d told her to get over her fears of having her mom’s gift. He wasn’t perfect, but she seemed okay with that. Being with her made him a better man.
Just as important, he liked taking care of her. He liked making her laugh and helping out when he could. He liked being with her and not just for sex. He liked how she’d picked the cat who seemed right, even though Fred hadn’t been easy at first. She was so competent at work. She was resourceful and brave and funny. So what was the problem?
He supposed part of the issue could be the fact that he wasn’t the man he’d been three years ago. Everything was different now. He’d made a life, he’d found a new career, he’d met a girl. But did he love her?
Jasper wasn’t sure what love was—not really. A feeling, yes, but wasn’t it more than that? Wasn’t it as much about the other person as himself? When he thought about Renee he was happy. When he was with her, he wanted to spend more time with her.
He walked around his office, Koda watching him, as if a little worried.
“I’m okay,” he told the dog. At least he would be when he got his act together.
What if she was sick? What if she was dying? Would he want to deal with her then? He’d seen a lot of horrible things on his tours with the army and figured he could handle pretty much anything she had to deal with. He wasn’t afraid of fighting with her, he knew she had a good heart. But was that enough?
Did he want to take care of her, no matter what? Did he want to make her happy, even if he had to sacrifice some things? What if she didn’t want to live up in the mountains? What if she wanted to live in town?
He thought for a second. He could do the town thing. He would keep the house in the mountains and he might have to come up here to write for a few days at a time, but if living in Happily Inc made her happy, then he wanted to buy her the house of her dreams. He wanted to hold her and be with her and—
He turned to Koda. “I want kids. With Renee. I want kids and car trips and an IRA and a joint checking account and hell, a minivan. I love her. I’m in love with her.”
Koda sighed, as if relieved he’d finally figured it out.
“You like her, too, don’t you, boy?”
Koda’s tail wagged.
“That’s what I thought. I think you’d be good with kids. She has cats now, so that will take some getting used to for all of us. I’ve never had a cat.”
Of course he’d never had a dog, either, and that seemed to be going well.
“I love her,” he repeated, not sure what to do next. “I guess I should go see her.”
They could go out to dinner to celebrate her mom and Ed’s engagement and then he could casually mention his feelings. Or maybe that was better done in private. Either way, he should go to town right now and talk to her.
“I won’t be late,” he told Koda. “I won’t stay the night. I’ll be home to take care of you.”
He quickly fed the dog, made sure the doggie door was operational, then drove down the mountain road leading to Happily Inc. Along the way he tried to find the right words, but everything he came up with seemed lame, which was not a good sign. He kind of made his living with words—shouldn’t he be better at this?
Still not sure what verbal direction made the most sense, he parked by her apartment building, raced across the lawn and took the stairs to her place only to hesitate in front of her door for at least three minutes. Finally he knocked.
She opened the door and smiled when she saw him.
“Jasper! Did I know you were coming by? Come on in. It’s a big night here. Fred accidentally sat on my lap for about thirty seconds. Then he came to his senses, hissed at me and ran off. Lucille, on the other hand, sticks close and loves to snuggle.”
She looked incredible. She was barefoot and casually dressed in capris and a T-shirt. She’d scrubbed off her makeup. There were freckles on her nose and cheeks. Her mouth beckoned. He wanted her but more than that, he loved her.
Her smile faded. “Are you okay? You have the strangest expression.”
“I’m fine.”
She didn’t look convinced. She pulled him into the living room and sat next to him on the sofa. Once they were angled toward each other, it occurred to him that it would be so easy to slide to one knee and—
He swore under his breath, thinking he was not ready to propose. Besides, he didn’t have a ring and he hadn’t even told her he loved her. One step at a time, he reminded himself. He didn’t want to screw this up.
“Jasper, you’re scaring me.”
“I don’t mean to.” He looked at her. “Have you talked to your mom? Is she happy?”
Renee looked slightly surprised by the question but she nodded slowly. “She is. She said they both realize things are moving fast, so they’re going to wait several months before setting a date. She sounded so excited and in love. I’m so glad for her.”
“Me, too.”
He continued to watch her. Renee shifted on her seat. “What is going on?”
He had to do it, he told himself. He would just put it out there and see what happened.
Lucille jumped onto the sofa and curled up next to him. He petted the cat, hoping the action would be soothing.
It wasn’t. He sucked in a breath and said, “Renee, I’m in love with you. You are incredible—not just because you’re beautiful, although you are, but because of everything else about you. You’re smart and caring. You’re funny and I want to be with you. I want to make you happy and I hope you want that, too.”
Her eyes widened as she stared at him without speaking.
“You make me a better man,” he continued, wondering when she was going to say something. “I think we work as a couple and—”
“No!” She sprang to her feet and hurried to the far side of the room. “Why are you doing this? We agreed we wouldn’t do this. We talked about it. We have a relationship that we both like but it’s not love. We’re not supposed to be in love. I don’t want you to love me. Love isn’t safe. You have to know that.”
Tears filled her eyes and her voice softened to a whisper. “Don’t, Jasper. Don’t make me do this. Don’t ask for more than I have. I can’t risk it. I just can’t.”
His happiness evaporated as dread took its place. She wasn’t ready. Or she didn’t share his feelings. Either was bad.
“What are you afraid of?” he asked, careful to keep his voice neutral. “Your mom isn’t an issue. Not with me. I’m not going to break your heart or hurt you.”
“Of course you are. That’s what people do. They hurt each other. You’ll hurt me and then you’ll leave. You’re going to leave me and it will be over. I’ll be shattered and damaged for the rest of my life.”
He stood. “I’m not those other guys.”
“It doesn’t matter.” Tears slipped down her cheeks. “You said you wouldn’t do this. What we had was great. Don’t ask me to change.”
“You have to trust me.”
“I can’t.”
“You won’t.”
She brushed away the tears. “Does it really matter which it is? I can’t risk it. I don’t have another broken heart in me.”
She walked into her bedroom and closed the door behind her. Jasper stood there, alone. But I love you. He wanted to shout the words, only he knew they wouldn’t matter. Not to her.
Hell of a thing, he thought as he let himself out and walked back to his truck. Hell of thing.