Dog and Cat were in the garden, watching their pet human planting seeds. Cat was bored — so bored that she started talking to Dog. “What are you eating?”
Dog replied, “A teeny weeny bone. It’s all I’ve got. Our pet human is too busy gardening to feed me properly.”
They both stretched and turned in the sun, to get a better look at their mysterious pet human.
Cat complained, “All that working he’s doing is making me tired.”
Dog agreed. “It wouldn’t be so bad if he was doing something useful. What is he doing, do you think?”
“He’s burying teeny weeny seeds in the soil and then he’s patting the soil and stroking it,” said Cat, staring hard at their pet human.
Dog dropped his bone. “Now, why would he want to do that?”
Cat washed herself with long lazy strokes. “You don’t understand much, do you?” she said.
Dog looked sad. “I understand how to crunch bones, and how to sniff for other dogs’ pee mails and —”
“You don’t understand gardening,” announced Cat. “See. Those teeny weeny seeds are hard and dry —”
“Just like my bone!” interrupted Dog, wagging his tail.
Cat continued. “He buries them to soften them and —”
“I do that! I do that!” barked Dog.
“They grow and —”
Dog howled, “They grow! Really! That’s amazing!”
Cat looked down her nose at Dog who was rolling on the grass and waggling his legs in the air.
“Yes,” she continued. “When the seeds get wet from the rain in the soil, they grow bigger and bigger until —”
“Wooof! Until what? What?” Dog was jumping up and down. Thrashing his tail from side to side.
“I’m not telling you any more if you keep interrupting me,” said Cat, settling into a tight ball shape, with her tail wrapped over her head. Dog pawed the ground.
“Go on!” he barked.
Cat pretended to be reluctant. In fact she loved the sound of her own voice, and she loved getting Dog overexcited.
“Until they become huge,” she said softly.
“Huge? What?” woofed Dog. “Hu-ooo-ge? You mean the bones? Wow!” He chased his tail because he couldn’t stay still. “Huge, huge bones! No! That would be a dream come true!”
Cat smirked. “Yes,” she purred. “Some of the seeds get huge under the ground, like potatoes. And some get big and juicy above ground, like tomatoes. And then —” She stopped to clean her tail, very slowly.
“What? Quick, tell me!” yapped Dog, dribbling now.
Cat lowered her leg, pointing her foot. “The human digs them up and eats them.”
Cat and Dog stared at each other.
“Amazing!” wuffed Dog. “Totally miraculous!”
Dog raced round and round the garden. He couldn’t stop himself. The pet human straightened up and looked at him.
“You’re a mad dog, you are. I’m just going out to get some compost for the seeds. I won’t be long.” He put down his spade and picked up his jacket, then he·left them.
Dog and Cat lay in the shade but Dog couldn’t keep still. He was thinking. Very soon he had a cunning plan.
He said to Cat, as casually as possible, “I’ll just bury this teeny weeny bone.” He got up, stretched, picked up the bone and trotted down the garden path. He looked around quickly to check Cat was not watching. He didn’t want Cat seeing his thoughts.
Very carefully and thoroughly, Dog dug a huge hole in the soil where the seeds were planted. He gently planted his teeny weeny bone at the bottom of the hole. Now I’ll pat the soil and stroke it, he thought. He raked the soil back over the bone with his big paws. Soil was flung everywhere. And I’ll just water it a tiny bit, he thought. He stood, with his eyes closed, on three legs, while he watered the bone.
He waggled back up the path to where Cat was lying in the sun with her eyes shut. He stretched out beside her, his eyes wide open. “I’ll just lie here quietly and watch that huge hill I’ve made,” he said.
They both pretended to sleep. After twenty seconds, Dog leaped up. “Do you think my bone’s growing yet, Cat?”
“No! It takes weeks, sometimes months. You have to be patient.”
Dog howled. Then he ran round the garden once more.
I can be patient. I can be patient, he panted. I’ll have a sleep.
Much later, their pet human returned. He opened the garden gate and smiled at the two sleeping animals.
“Hello, pets. How are you lovely — WHAT IS THAT HUGE HILL IN THE GARDEN? WHAT HAS BEEN GOING ON?” Human roared with anger.
Dog looked confused, his head on one side. Cat slunk away into the shade. The pet human grabbed the spade and dug into the hill Dog had made in his vegetable garden. He dug and dug until he pulled out the teeny weeny bone.
Dog whimpered.
“Dog!” yelled Human, “I am very cross with you. I bought you a big bone at the shop but I won’t give it to you now. You don’t deserve it.”
Human picked up the grocery bag and disappeared into his huge house. Dog crawled into his tiny kennel. He was totally miserable. Then his nose whiffled. He smelt his teeny weeny bone. It was lying where the pet human had thrown it. Dog trotted out to collect it.
On the way back he passed Cat, stretched out on the garden seat, pretending to be asleep. “Humans are just so impatient,” whined Dog. “No wonder they have to buy bones at the shop instead of growing their own.”
‘Bone Growing’ was first published by Random House New Zealand in Claws & Jaws: 30 New Zealand Animal Stories in October 2004.