As usual, Rufus is going at top speed, setting an inspirational pace for the others, and the team seems to be humming with his positive energy. And then—oops and double oops!—Rufus reaches for his sunglasses and, in doing so, he misses a turn. It’s a really thoughtless error, and Drew has to focus his full attention on correcting the problem. Afterward, Drew gives Rufus a couple of quick pointers so they can avoid a similar problem in the future. “I am so sorry,” says Rufus sincerely. “It will never happen again.” Drew is grateful for that response. Last week, when he gave Wanda a simple suggestion, she became hostile and defensive—and the incident gave him nightmares in which Wanda became a huge hissing serpent that tried to squeeze the life out of him. There’s nothing like waking up screaming to ruin a good night’s sleep.
If you want to improve constantly, then you must tinker with the bus on a consistent basis. There are always ways to be more efficient and effective, and when the members of the team feel that their speed and their methods are sufficient and don’t need to change, that is a mentality that stands in the way of progress.
As a leader, I am always suggesting ways that individuals on our team could have done things in a better or more effective way. When I point something out to the Runners, they are appreciative and accept the ideas with no hesitation. They will say, “Oh good idea, I’ll remember that for next time,” or “Very good idea. Got it!” If I have to point out something they did that was wrong, they’ll say, “Oh, so sorry; it won’t happen again,” or “I’ll fix it right now!” I love those types of responses, because the conversation is over, the point was made and accepted, and the bus can continue to run.
In other cases, giving constructive criticism to others doesn’t go over so well. The generation between twenty-four and thirty-five years of age seems so shocked whenever someone points out something they did incorrectly, and they can become really defensive. We have built the young generation up in America as being so smart and gifted and special that they take offense when someone points out that something they did wasn’t good enough. Their favorite reaction is, “Well, in my defense . . .” Or they’ll say, “No one told me I was supposed to do it a different way.”
I was working with a teacher who was having issues with three boys in her class. She wanted to write them up every day and send them to the office, so I finally sat down and suggested that she try to develop a better relationship with the boys. I told her that they weren’t causing problems in any of their other classes, and that the other teachers had spent time trying to bond with the young men. I told her that it had worked for the others, so maybe it would work for her as well. And you would think I had slapped her.
She blew up at me and said, “Oh, so you are saying it’s my fault?” I was taken aback and said, “No, I wasn’t saying it’s your fault; I was just offering a suggestion to fix the problem,” and she responded, “No, you’re saying I need to work harder to be kind to the boys and spend time with them so that they won’t misbehave. You are making me feel like I have done something to make those boys be disrespectful, and it isn’t my responsibility to fix it when it isn’t my fault in the first place.”
No matter what I said to her or no matter how I tried to explain, she wasn’t willing to listen to me. She was completely missing the boat. The situation took a lot of time to resolve, and when that happens, the bus isn’t running. We had to pull over to the side of the road and do some major mending, and that keeps progress from happening.
No matter where you work, if your boss comes to you and offers a suggestion for improvement, or if he has to point out something that you have done that is wrong, there is a magical way you can respond. It’s nine simple words that will sound like heaven to your supervisor, and I learned them the hard way . . .
It was my first year teaching, and I handled a situation with a parent horribly. I had baked cookies for my students, but I didn’t give any to the kids who didn’t deserve a reward. In typical American parent fashion, a mother called me to complain that her daughter didn’t receive a cookie and that she felt it wasn’t fair and that I had ruined her daughter’s self-esteem. I told her that her daughter wasn’t working hard enough to earn a cookie. This mother quickly let me know that if I wasn’t going to make enough cookies so that every child could have one that I shouldn’t be making cookies. I responded, “I had plenty of cookies,” and then jokingly added, “In fact, I think I ate your daughter’s cookie.” Not surprisingly, my joke didn’t go over well, and she hung up on me.
The next morning I was called to the office. That mom was in there fussing and screaming at the principal, and to my best recollection, it was like the exorcist was in there. Her head was spinning and there was green vomit all over the walls. The principal asked me to sit down, and after listening to the mother yell about how disrespectful I was, the principal looked the mom right in the eyes and said, “Mr. Clark made those cookies. If he didn’t feel like your daughter has worked hard enough to deserve one of them, then I am going to support his decision.”
The heavens parted. The mother was irate as she stormed out and slammed the door, and there I sat, in the presence of an administrator who actually “gets it” and who had my back. I loved her. And then, she leaned in to me and screeched. She said, “Mr. Clark, what are you thinking? Do you think this is how I want to start my day? You know that woman is like fire, so why are you going to add gasoline to it? Have you lost your mind? Are you crazy? You can’t tell people you ate their daughter’s cookie! What were you thinking?”
Honestly, the whole situation had me rattled. There were already tears in my eyes. I wanted to defend myself and explain how I shouldn’t have to be nice to a parent who is rude to me and how I felt like I did nothing wrong. I didn’t deserve being fussed at! I was in the right!
That is how I felt at age twenty-four. I, just like other twenty-four-year-olds, felt I could do no wrong. I was stubborn and didn’t even know that there were things I didn’t know. I thought I knew it all. I realize now that there are some things you can “see” only with age, and the sad thing is that if I tried to explain that to my twenty-four-year-old self, he wouldn’t have believed me. He would have said, “Oh I get it,” but he would have been clueless.
To all of you twenty-four- to thirty-five-year-olds: You don’t “see” yet. It’s a gift that comes later, and the best advice I can give you is to trust us. We are older, and we may not quite have your energy, but we have our own super power, and it’s an understanding of the world that you can’t get at such young years. We have the power to “see beyond” what is before us and truly understand the dynamics and motivations that go into the actions around us. It’s a wisdom that has to marinate over time, and when it comes, you will “see” situations much differently. There are some young adults reading this right now who are thinking, “Oh, I know what he means.” You don’t. You can’t. Intellect does not afford you this superpower; it is only acquired with age.
While I had wanted to defend myself when my principal was fussing at me, I was also scared and shocked. She had been so nice when the parent was in there, and I just didn’t know how to handle it. I simply mumbled the only nine words I could get out of my mouth:
“I am so sorry. It will never happen again.”
Instantly, the blood receded from the face of my principal. Her muscles relaxed, and she eased in her seat. She stopped yelling, and her eyes softened as she said, “Okay, Mr. Clark, go on back to your class and your cookies.”
My eyes widened as I said, “Huh?”
Again, with a smile she gently said, “It’s okay, go on back to your class and your cookies.”
As I walked out of her office, I thought to myself, Definitely bipolar.
I honestly had no idea what caused the switch in her behavior, but years later, I get it, completely. As an administrator, I can tell you that when someone does something wrong, I simply want to point it out and have the person “hear it” and understand it so we can move on. I don’t want to have a long discussion or hear the person’s defense. I just want to know it won’t happen again, because then the bus can keep moving and gain speed.
Trust me, you don’t want to have the mentality that you’re always right and you know everything. It’s important to realize that your vision of the world isn’t always as accurate as you may think it is, so you should be humble, open to suggestions, and willing to take criticism.