Jim came running after me almost before the door of the public house had swung shut. I was standing on the pavement wondering where to get a bus or train back to Archway.
‘Where are you going? What’s the matter, for goodness sake?’
He came up to me and took my arm. I shook him off.
‘Why are you so angry?’
‘Because you’re behaving like a fool,’ I said furiously. ‘Jim, you play with people. I’m not in your game so don’t play with me.’
‘I wasn’t playing with you. I don’t understand what you mean, Bridie. Can’t I give you a little peck but you storm off as if the banshees were after you? What are you planning – to be a nun or something? Did Tom or Alice upset you? Ignore them. They’re idiots both of them. And yes, I do use them. That’s all they’re any good for.’
‘They are people, Jim. Alice seems to think you’re her boyfriend and she’s jealous. I understand that. I’d feel like that if Ryan had another girl, I know I would.’
‘That bloody Ryan of yours! Can’t you forget him? He’s off on his lighthouse in the sea somewhere and I’ll bet you are the last thing on his mind. Just forget him.’
‘I can’t.’ A little sob escaped me. ‘I can’t. I want to but it’s hopeless. I keep seeing his face, hearing his voice, missing him.’
‘Then why the bloody hell did you leave him and come here – come to me, Bridie? I had so hoped you had seen sense at last and come to me.’
I turned at that and looked at him, surprised. ‘I didn’t come for your sake, Jim. What gave you that idea? I came because …’ I paused and stared at the road full of noisy traffic rushing past.
‘Because of what?’
‘I don’t know, Jim. It was as if I had to be myself. Find out who I really am and what, if anything, I can do. I want to be able to use my own ideas, talents – if I have any. I’m not sure I have but I want to find out. Not be dependent or belong to anyone at all but myself. I can’t explain.’
‘Well, it makes no sense.’
At this moment Alice came teetering out of the pub on her high heels and came towards us. She flung her arms about Jim and staring sullenly at me she said in a wheedling tone, ‘What’s going on, Jamesie? Why are you out here in the cold? Come back in and finish your drink.’
He pushed her aside with an air of contempt. ‘Go back in, Alice, I’ll catch up with you tomorrow. I’m taking Bridie home.’
‘Why? Can’t she get the bus?’
‘I am perfectly happy to get a bus,’ I said angrily and turning on my heel began to walk off again.
Jim came after me and caught me by the arm.
‘Take no notice of that silly cow,’ he said. ‘Come on, let me take you home now. You’ll not get a bus or a taxi from here for ages and you’ll have no idea how to get back. Will you allow me to do that, at least?’
‘Alright.’ I felt mean. He was always so protective. ‘Look, thanks, Jim. I’m sorry. I know I’m being difficult but I can’t help it. What about Alice?’
‘She’s got her own car. Or she’ll find someone else to take her home. It’s all one to me.’
He took me home and dropped me off at the front door, making no suggestion about coming upstairs, much to my relief.
Perhaps this little squabble did the trick because Jim stayed away for a while. I managed to ring Joe and Sheila from the call box down the road. I didn’t want that nosy Dixie Dean listening in to all my private calls.
‘How are you managing, love? We’ve been worried about you, me and Sheila. Are you settled in somewhere?’
‘Yes, Joe, I’ve got a room to live in and I’m still trying to find a job but I know something will turn up.’ I tried to sound as cheerful as I could.
‘Well, Jim will look after you, so you know you’re not alone out there.’
‘No, no, I’m not alone.’ If Joe only knew!
‘And you’re okay for cash, aren’t you? You’ve not spent the money I gave you on dresses, now have you?’
‘Of course not. As if I would. You know I’m not interested in fashion. Joe, how’s Ryan, have you heard from him?’
‘Yes, we had a letter a few days ago. He seems well.’
‘Did he ask after me?’
There was a slight pause and my heart sank a little.
‘He says he misses you badly, Bridie, and doesn’t know why you left. Well, I understand why you did – he and Sheila think you’re crazy. But then they would, they’ve never been the adventurous sort, either of ’em. Anyway, he says he wants to write to you so give us your address, lass.’
‘I miss him too, Joe. I do. Tell him to write, I’d love him to write.’
I gave the address and after some more chit-chat found myself running out of coins and had to hang up. The conversation did little to improve my despondent frame of mind. I walked back to the house slowly, went up to my room and lay on the bed staring at the ceiling for a long time till I eventually drifted off to sleep.
A day later I had a call from Tom Shanklin.
‘Hiya, green-eyed Bridie,’ he said. There was a little laugh in his voice which sounded attractive. I was so surprised to hear him that I remained silent for a while.
‘Are you there?’
‘Yes. Where did you get this number?’
‘Followed you and Jim home the other night and popped in the hallway and took it down. Good sleuth, eh?’
‘But why? Why did you go to all that bother?’
He chuckled. ‘You know what, Bridie, you’re so naïve that it’s refreshing. I wonder if you’re for real.’
‘Oh, I am. But I’m a country bumpkin, not a smart Londoner.’
‘Mmm … but you do have a sharp tongue. That’s real enough.’
‘So what d’you want?’
‘Come out for a drink with me tonight?’
‘A drink. Where?’
‘In a little club I know. Jazzy music, you know … that sort of thing.’
I was still surprised. I couldn’t believe someone was trying to date me. It frightened me a bit because I’d always felt so secure in Ryan’s love that it hadn’t occurred to me anyone else might ‘fancy’ me. Especially a smooth townie like Tom Shanklin. I tried to recall his features and what reaction he’d inspired. He hadn’t impressed me. I thought of Ryan. He’d be furious. I thought of Jim, he’d be even more furious. These two were a deal too possessive. There could be no harm in having a drink out with someone. I made up my mind.
‘All right.’
Tom sounded jubilant. ‘I’ll be round at eight.’
I was unsure what to wear to what Tom had called a ‘jazzy club.’ In the end, I put on a simple dark-green flared skirt. With this I wore a neat embroidered white shirt tucked into the waistband emphasising a small waist of which I was unduly proud. I made sure the shirt was demurely buttoned up. I didn’t much like the thought of Tom’s eyes roving to my cleavage and hoped no one would notice the white bra straps under the thin cotton cloth.
Tom knocked on the door of my room at ten past eight. I went out to meet him, firmly closing and locking up behind me. I didn’t want to invite him in and hoped he wasn’t expecting to come back for a coffee and a snog – though I suspected that was precisely what he intended. Now that I saw him standing before me, his eyes narrowing as he watched me lock the door, I wondered if I was doing the right thing going out with a man I’d met only once. I knew nothing about him except that he was a vague friend of Jim’s from Cambridge. He looked me over for a few moments and I felt myself begin to blush. Did I look all wrong? Weren’t my clothes the right ones?
‘Do I look all right?’ I enquired anxiously.
‘You look fab, my love.’
He made no more comment and I followed him out to a waiting taxi.
I had no idea where we ended up but gathered it was somewhere in North London. We’d passed road signs indicating King’s Cross on the way but none of the other names meant a great deal to me. The club was situated down some battered basement steps. I could hear loud music emanating whenever the door opened and people entered or left, laughing and chattering as they carelessly pushed past. Looking up I could see the dense crowding of tall, Victorian houses looming up around us. It made me feel hemmed in. An anxious sensation in the pit of my stomach, a sense of fear and inadequacy in such a milieu, made me pull back a little. Tom sensed my reluctance and taking me firmly by the arm steered me to a table where another couple were already seated. They acknowledged him with a half-hearted wave. I didn’t particularly like the look of them either.
The air was thick with smoke which immediately entered my lungs, making me choke. Some jazz musicians were perched up on a small stand at the back of the room belting out old favourites and a lot of furious jiving was going on in front of their platform.The lights were a peculiar harsh red in which smoke wafted in sulphurous pink fumes.
‘Oh this is Hell,’ I declared. ‘Tom, I don’t like it here,’ and turned as if to go.
‘Hey, hey, hey,’ said Tom, taking my arm again in his strong grip. He bent his tall body and peered into my eyes. ‘What don’t you like? It’s a great place. Everyone who’s cool comes here. The music’s great, isn’t it? Sit here. This is Gill and her bloke, Kev. This is Bridie, pals. Be nice to her while I get a drink. What d’you want, Bridie?’
I sat down and gave it thought. ‘A coke or something.’
‘Well, we’ll start with a coke or something and then a stiffer drink or two later, eh?’ He winked at Kev who winked back. ‘Got to loosen these girls up a bit.’
‘No, it’s okay. I’ll stick to coke. I only drink a little.’
‘A little. You were knocking back the gins yesterday. You’re funny, you are. You make me laugh, you know.’
He weaved his way to the bar and I looked around feeling decidedly out of place. Gill looked me over with a brief and not very flattering glance, stretched her face into a watery smile and then turned her attention to her boyfriend. She was a thin girl, her dark hair puffed out in huge waves and curls. Her eyes were long and narrow, almost Mongolian, the lids coated with a fantastic turquoise eye shadow that matched her turquoise top. I was rather fascinated by her lips which appeared to extend from one side of her jaw to the other, thickly crayoned in pale pink. In contrast to her astonishing appearance, astonishing to me anyway, the boyfriend, Kev, was a tall, unattractive, brown-haired young man with acne. However, she seemed enamoured of him, fondling his free hand, keeping her eyes glued on his face as if every fleeting expression was of importance to her. He sipped at his beer and allowed her this apparent adoration while slightly turning away and tapping his foot in time to the music.
The music was pleasant enough. I knew little about jazz but recognised some trad numbers I’d heard on the radio. My feet also began to tap and I smiled at myself. I really had to stop feeling paranoid about everything but learn to relax and take it all in. After all, I had wanted to come to London, experience the big metropolis and all its ways.
Tom returned, handed me the coke and set down his brimming glass of brown and mild.
‘Here’s to us,’ he said with a grin, ‘here’s to some fun, eh, little green-eyed Bridie?’
I forced a smile and sipped my drink. Tom drank his beer as if he was a dying man in a desert.
‘Bloody good that was,’ he sighed after a while, wiping his lips.
Kev nodded his approval. ‘Empty glasses, eh? That’s no bloody good. I’ll get us another round. You okay, Gill?’
‘You can get me a gin and orange.’
‘And you? You okay?’ Kev asked, turning to me and looking at me a little more closely. I lowered my eyes at this sudden scrutiny and nodded.
‘I’m fine.’
Gill looked sharply at Kev and seemed annoyed at his sudden interest. I sighed. Was this going to be another of those silly encounters with an insecure jealous girl? Didn’t these girls have any faith in themselves?
We all sat in silence and watched the dancers jiving about. One couple were especially good and people stopped to watch them after a while.
‘Wish I could dance like that,’ I said.
‘I’ll have to teach you. Come on,’ and Tom grabbed me by the hand and pulled me onto the floor.
‘But I don’t know how to do it!’ I wailed.
‘It’s easy, look. I push you and you twirl and then come round …’ and somehow, after lots of hesitations and bumping into him, I suddenly got the idea and laughed at the joyful, energetic, physical pleasure of it.
‘See, little country girl, it’s fun. Told you.’
It was fun and I returned to the table flushed and exhilarated. Gill and Kev had also taken to the dance floor and were still out there.
‘I thought you were going to be hard work,’ Tom said, eagerly quaffing his new pint of beer. ‘But you’re warming up okay. Takes a bit of time to get used to new things but it’s all great fun. It’s about liberty, Bridie, about freedom. That’s what it’s about for us young folk now. We can do what we like. No parents, no churches, no outdated moral attitudes, no one to bother us at all. We can do just as we like.’
‘Is that a good thing?’I mused, ‘Is it really freedom to do what one likes without anyone else to care about? I don’t really feel at all free here in London, not in the way I do back home. And I doubt you do either. It seems to me that you think you have to do all this … put on a show, be part of the “scene”, be “cool”, as you put it. Is it really what you want? Does it really make you happy?’
He regarded me with some disquiet for a moment or two.
‘Are you always so bloody serious or just winding me up? Don’t you ever let your hair down where you come from?’
I laughed at this. ‘We have different ideas of fun, Tom. That’s all.’
‘Well, let’s hope they coincide soon,’ he said, ‘I’m not into skittles on a Sunday afternoon. I’m off for another drink, get you a gin.’
‘To “loosen me up”, I suppose’.
‘Something like that.’
He returned with a straight whisky and a glass of gin and orange.
‘Whisky already, Tom?’ I said with some disquiet.
‘Yes, and whiskey with an ‘e’. Like you I’m Irish by descent and yes, I love a whiskey, missie.’
‘But you’ll get very drunk like that.’
‘So? I like getting drunk as well.’
‘Why do you need to be drunk, why do you need to dull your senses? Isn’t it better to be conscious and enjoy everything properly?’
‘No. It’s better to be drunk and forget everything properly.’
I stared at him and he laughed. ‘You’ve a deal too many prissy likes and dislikes, Miss Bridie O’Neill. But I suspect, by the time the evening is out, I’ll teach you to like a lot of things you haven’t tried yet.’
‘I doubt that.’ I was angry at being called “prissy” when, in my opinion, I was being wise.
‘Do you … we’ll see, eh?’ He tossed back the shot of whiskey far too soon and pointed enquiringly at my glass from which I had taken a sip or two. By now Gill and Kev had returned, flushed and panting from their dance. ‘Come with us, Kev, we’ll get some more all round.’
Kev looked at Tom’s empty glass. ‘Bloody hell, you on chasers already? I’m having another brown and mild. This dancing brings you out in a right sweat. Come on, let’s get over to the bar.’
The two men pushed off into the crowd. I knew Tom hoped to get me drunk and out of control. I felt less and less sanguine about the situation and wondered how to get out of it.
‘You two going steady then?’ asked Gill, lighting up another cigarette.
‘No, we’ve just met. Just a date.’
‘Well, you watch that Tom Shanklin. I used to go out with him for a bit way back and he can be a right bastard when he’s put a bit of drink away. He got bored with me and palmed me off on his friend Kev, but it was the best thing he ever did. Kev’s a good bloke. A kind one. Rather have him any day. Just watch it with Tom, that’s all I say.’
‘Don’t worry, I intend to,’ I replied, ‘Anyway, I don’t want to be his girlfriend. It’s just a night out.’
‘Oh yeah. Not with him it isn’t. He’ll expect payment in kind even if he treats to you to nothing more’n a coffee.’
Kev and Tom returned after what seemed a long time during which I suspected they’d knocked back a few more drinks. On the way over, Tom stopped to chat to a girl and they laughed together as if they were friends. He pointed over to me and she looked over also and gave me a withering look. I felt upset and wondered what they were saying about me. Tom waved at us and then steered his way through the raucous, swaying crowd, balancing the full glasses like an expert. ‘Just talking to a girl I know,’ he grinned.
‘I gathered as much. You seem to know a lot of girls.’
‘Oh, we went out together a couple of times. I split up from her ages ago. We’re still friends though. I’m a friendly sort of chap as you’ll have gathered.’ He leant towards me and looked as if he meant to kiss me but I turned my head away. He laughed and took my hand and kissed it instead then stared at me for a while as if trying to sum me up.
‘I suppose you could be fun … when you’ve loosened up. I know your sort. Passion lurking beneath a cool exterior. Play hard to get and work a fellow up to fever pitch. Makes for a good time.’
‘You know nothing about me at all,’ I retorted, drawing my hand away. ‘I don’t like to behave like that. Teasing a man. You’ve got me wrong. If I love someone, I love with all my heart. Look, Tom, I’m out with you tonight just for a drink, a bit of music, okay? I don’t want you to get ideas in your head that I’ll fall in love with you or anything.’
‘Who the hell said anything about love? What are you talking about? Don’t you ever want to have some sex? What are you saving yourself up for then? Some nice bloke, a terrace house and four kids? Don’t be stupid.’
I began to get angry. My eyes flashed and he grinned back.
‘You’re getting mad. I love it when you get mad … you look so sexy.’
‘Listen,’ I hissed, ‘I’m not saving myself up as you call it, nor am I looking for anyone at the moment. I’m not interested in men just now. Seems they’re all the same to me. Plus, I don’t like what you call fun. I know what I like in life.’
‘And what’s that, may I ask?’
‘You wouldn’t understand, would you? Not cars and houses and clothes and all that rubbish. The sea, the wind, the fresh air. That’s what I love.’
Tom snorted, ‘ And so you end up in Archway. Lots of sea and fresh air round there, don’t you think?’
I shrugged. ‘I won’t be there for ever. It’s just temporary.’
‘I should bloody well hope not. Why’d Jim leave you in a dump like that?’
‘He found me the place, it’s cheap rent. I’m grateful for his help.’
Tom gazed at me for a while. His eyes narrowed. ‘Surprised Jim didn’t move you in with him. I bet he’d have liked that.’
‘He’s my brother and I don’t want to be beholden to him or anyone,’ I snapped.
‘Your brother, eh? Ha! But I kinda like your spirit. You’re quite something under that twee, buttoned-up exterior. How about another drink?’
‘No thanks.’
‘Come on … I’ll get you one. Loosen up, kiddo.’
He took a little more time with the next round of drinks and we remained silent for a while listening to the music. It was pleasant enough for a while but the gins I’d consumed were beginning to make me feel giddy and light. The music jangled now. Why did I feel as if it was all so sham, so unreal and meaningless? The people around me were drinking, laughing, dancing and canoodling. But it all looked like forced gaiety to me. They didn’t really look happy at all. It wasn’t the cheerful look I saw on faces as they walked along sea paths and felt the breeze in their hair. Good, clean air, real joy and happiness.
I felt Tom was as much at a loss as I was. I wasn’t his usual sort of date, the sleek, fashionable, urbane young women, the girls out for nothing more than a good time, plenty to drink … and then … I didn’t want to know about the ‘and then’ … not with this man or any other. It was Ryan and Ryan alone who aroused me that way. And Ryan didn’t belong in a place like this anymore than I did.
‘How about another dance? Smoochy one, this time.’
I rose reluctantly and Tom steered me through the crush onto the crowded little dance floor where hot, sweaty bodies seemed to be supporting one another in slow, pointless gyrations. The lights and the drink were beginning to make me feel disorientated. I had only eaten a cheese sandwich before coming out and began to feel faint. However, Tom held me tight against him and we moved about in a peculiar shuffle, weaving in and out of the other couples.
‘You’re sexy,’ he murmured in my ear, ‘fucking sexy. I fancy you like mad, you know that?’
I made no reply and tried not to let him too close. He burrowed his face into my hair and tried to nibble my ear. His breath stank of whiskey and I turned my head away. After a while his hands began to wander down towards my bottom.
‘Keep your hands higher,’ I shouted in his ear. He chuckled at this and pressed me closer.
‘Ooh, little Miss Prick Tease, you love playing hard to get, don’t you?’
I eventually pleaded exhaustion. Tom could have circled about forever, his whiskey-laden breath in my face, his groping hands all over me. By now he had consumed several drinks and I knew he was not a safe person to be with. He seemed to lose all sense of control and propriety … and he had little enough to begin with. Now he suddenly grabbed my hand under the table, guided me to his trousers, which he had calmly unzipped, and tried to place my fingers round his hardened cock. I screamed and jumped up.
‘What’s up?’ he muttered, looking astonished. ‘Never felt a dick before? God, you’re a little innocent, aren’t you?’
‘I need to … to go to the Ladies,’ I said. I went off trembling with rage and left him to zip himself up and nurse his drink, looking amused.
I stood for a while before the mirror in the Ladies. Other girls pushed and shoved around me as I stood there looking and feeling sick. Gill followed me in and whispered in my ear, ‘I told you so, didn’t I?’ But she also looked amused as if she was really rather pleased at the shock I’d received. I felt myself trembling still. I’d had enough of this lewd, coarse fellow. His posh voice and education hid a nasty, despicable nature. He was trying to treat me like a tart. Who did he think I was! I had to go back for my jacket and then I would tell him that I wasn’t going to stay. As I slowly threaded my way back to the table, I heard him mention my name to Kev. They didn’t notice me and I dodged behind a pillar.
‘Where’d you find her?’ Kev was asking. Tom laughed.
‘Neat, isn’t she? A real little country cutie, supposed to be Jim’s sister. So he says. I reckon he’s grooming her for other uses. Just thought I’d beat him to it.’
‘She’s pretty, I’ll give you that. Nice tits.’
‘Very nice tits. And I swear she’s a virgin. Can you believe that? But I swear she is. She nearly shot through the air when I gave her a feel of my dick. Boy, I’ve always wanted to try a virgin. I’m looking forward to it. ‘
‘Good luck. Trouble is she’ll only be a virgin once.’
The two men laughed at this joke. I blanched at the mere thought.
‘Maybe you can pass her on to me when you’re fed up with her.’
‘Oh, I’ll soon be fed up. She’s too bloody serious all the time. No go in her. No class. But worth the occasional fuck.’
I walked up to them. Picking up Kev’s glass, still full of beer, I threw it in Tom’s face.
‘You bloody cow!’ he gasped, starting to his feet.
‘For a start, I don’t like the word “tits”,’ I yelled. ‘And I don’t like crude, coarse men either. Find yourself some other country virgin to seduce. We’re not all stupid and ignorant, you know!’
People behind me laughed and one girl clapped with delight. Tom looked furious, beer dripping from his face and shirt. I seized my jacket, turned on my heel and left the place, seething with fury.
He didn’t follow me, much to my relief. I never heard from Tom again. He got the hint and obviously didn’t think I was worth the waste of any more brown and mild.