Ethel didn’t exactly welcome me with open arms.
‘You soon changed your mind, then,’ she said scathingly when I arrived on her doorstep, penniless, emotionally exhausted and feeling a complete failure.
‘It’s a long story,’ I said wearily. ‘I won’t stop long, Ethel, just till I hear from Ryan.’
‘Running back to our boy, are you?’ she said but her tone changed a little when she saw the tears welling in my eyes. She wasn’t an unkind woman, just a bit tetchy like all older folks who hate having their routines disturbed by emotional young women.
‘If he’ll have me.’
‘Oh, he’ll have you. He’s right taken up with you. Been that miserable since you went off. Glad you’ve come to your senses, running off to London like that. Knew it was a waste of time. You young girls are all the same, don’t know what’s good for you.’ She paused in her scolding, surveyed me for a bit, then added in a milder tone, ‘Anyway, sit down and let me make you a cup of tea. You look all done in. What made you come home in this state? Run into a spot of bother, did you?’
‘A lot of bother,’ I said but refused to answer any more questions despite Ethel’s curious probing. I didn’t want to say anything that might reach Joe’s ears. Jim was his son, after all, and he was more likely to believe his son’s version than mine. Now that I was safely away from London, it all seemed a mad, silly business. Jim had turned out to be as strange and obsessive as his mother and for the moment made me the source of his attention. He would be furious at my escape and would know that I had gone back home to Joe or Ethel but wouldn’t dare to follow me here. After a bit, thankfully, he would forget me and transfer his attentions to some other hapless female. I was safe now. It was such a relief to have shaken him off. That family were the bane of my life.
Yet there were times when he came to my mind very clear and sharp; times when he was being charming, affectionate and loving towards me and I regretted losing his attention and care. Nobody else had ever treated me in that thoughtful manner before, Ryan least of all. I also missed his accomplished and interesting mind and the things he had to say, the way he said them, his ease with words. If only Jim had treated me as a sister, not got his feelings of love for me all mixed up with the sex bit, then we could have been good friends forever. I regretted that. But I knew one thing. I didn’t love Jim and never would. He could never commune with my innermost soul in the way Ryan did without words or need for elaborate, urbane, clever ways. Ryan knew me and Jim did not. Jim was fun to be with but he never gave me the peace and containment that I felt when I was with Ryan. Ryan allowed me to be who I was while Jim wanted to make me into something he was looking for in his ideal woman. I would never have lived up to his exacting requirements, no one could. It was like being passed through a fine mesh of his expectations … who could possibly get through that mesh?
I went for a long walk over the Chines the next morning. It was time for inner communion, a time to find some peace within myself. Waves of longing for Ryan swept over me and I felt the love welling up from the deepest sources of my being like a stream of light. Looking down over the cliffs, I saw two children playing on the vast empty seashore. They could be mine; children like this could be mine one day, playing at the water’s edge. Just now they seemed so far away and I a long way from them as if looking down into another world. I spent the day wandering about like this, unable to make any efforts towards writing or communicating with anyone. I needed to be alone.
In the evening, I found myself back at the seashore. It had been a mixed day with bursts of sunshine soon expelled by a high wind that pulled dark clouds in its wake. The summer crowds had dispersed to their hotels, boarding houses, pubs and other places of evening entertainment. People were still out on the strand, taking dogs for walks and playing a last game with their Frisbees. The barking of dogs as they dashed into the waves and sporadic shouts of cheerful laughter came drifting over on the wind, giving me a sense of comfort in my self-imposed loneliness. For a long while I stood and watched the wild waves pitching and swelling against the jetty, splashing up in frothing, surging fury, water drops spraying everywhere – what a tremendous sight, what energy pounded and heaved there! The skies were louring and sad but the greyness and the wildness of the day with its fine soft mist of rain suited my mood. I felt a delight in solitude; a bliss in my own self. God seemed with me in that time spent alone. This inner communion with Nature helped to heal my wounded spirit.
Ryan became something more than a mere man to me in those moments – he became like a god. Yet I knew that I must not allow myself to slip into such dangerous thinking. I had to find my own centre, not live through him or anyone else. But not by running away.
I wrote a letter to Ryan and posted it with some trepidation. It was hard to admit defeat – my pride, my ego rebelled. He was still stuck out on Wolf Rock with his father, so I resigned myself to the fact that it would be a long time before the post was able to reach the rock especially in these high seas. And even longer before he could send a reply or come and see me if he came at all.
Now, quite easily and without any problem, I found myself a job serving in a café in the town. All of a sudden it seemed different as if the wind was blowing my way for a change and not against me. This new ease of accomplishment after all the frustrations and upsets of the last few weeks seemed symbolic that I had made the right choice. The wages in Mary’s Pantry were poor but adequate and I was able to pay Ethel for my board and lodging. I also helped her clean the house and cook the Sunday roast. She was getting on and grateful for the help.
‘You’re a sight more use than Susan, she’s no use at all,’ Ethel complained. ‘All she can think of is dressing up and going out with that boyfriend of hers. She’s far too young still for that sort of thing but she takes no notice of me. Don’t know what Sheila will say. No good talking to youngsters these days, they’ve all the cheek in the world. Would never have talked to my mum and dad like that.’
The days turned into weeks. There was no reply from Ryan, not a word. My heart grew heavy and sank within me. Had I lost his love with my foolishness?
One Thursday afternoon I finished my stint at Mary’s Pantry, took my cardigan from the peg and went out into a cool autumnal day, the wind fresh and skittish. Russet and golden leaves blew around me and I watched them idly as I made my way to the bus stop. Then I heard my name being called and stopped stock still, my heart thumping in my chest.
‘Bridie! Wait for me!’
Running up the road towards me was Ryan Waterman, his jacket flying open, his cap almost ready to take off and join the leaves skeltering along the street. I stood and stared at him as if he was an apparition, afraid that I was dreaming. He soon caught up with me and putting out his arms, caught me in them and we hugged one another for ages, speechless with joy.
‘Nan told me you worked here,’ he said, sliding my arm in his as we walked together to the bus stop. ‘I couldn’t wait for you to come home so got myself here quick – even then I almost missed you.’
‘When did you get here? How long can you stay?’
‘Got here about an hour ago, the bloody train was late in. I’m on shore leave now for a month. Nan said she’ll put me up on the sofa. Bridie, oh, Bridie, thank God you’ve come back to me!’
‘You never wrote back. I was so scared you’d forgotten me, Ryan.’
‘I was due leave so there was no point in hanging around. Once I got your letter all I could do was wait for the relief to come and make it here as fast as I could. Like I told you in my last letter, it’s been pretty stormy up at Wolf Rock and the relief was delayed about a week. I was on tenterhooks, dying to get off and come to you. You’ve no idea how happy your news made me feel.’
Ignoring the interested looks of others in the bus queue, we kissed and smiled and grinned at one another like idiots. Love makes one daft but it’s a marvellous feeling. There’s no other happiness like it when all goes well.
Back at Ethel’s place we sat down in the front parlour while Ethel discreetly left us to ourselves and busied herself in the kitchen. Susan had been thrilled to see her brother and almost cancelled her date with Tony on his behalf but a word in her ear from Ethel made her stare at us both and then quietly collect her handbag and go out.
‘I reckon you two had better sort things out properly,’ she remarked as she sallied forth. ‘Time you made up your minds. I want good news when I get back, d’you hear?’
‘Out of the mouths of babes …’ sighed Ryan, ‘but she’s right, Bridie.’
We sat on the sofa in the parlour by a cheerful, roaring fire and spent a good deal of time kissing and staring speechlessly at one another. Eventually, Ryan broke away, lit a cigarette and gazed at me in that slow, thoughtful way, just as he used to. I felt myself quail a little under his honest, searching look. Lowering my eyes from his, I sat and stared into the fire.
‘Bridie, you’ve got so thin. Your face has changed too. The eyes … you’ve a sadness I’ve not seen there before for all you went through as a kid. What made you change your mind so suddenly? You were like all blazin’ to go and in no time you’re back home. Don’t get me wrong, I couldn’t be happier and more relieved. But I can’t help wondering what happened to you, darling? You’re different somehow.’
‘Am I?’ I sighed. ‘I suppose it was a brief but … educational experience. Being apart from you, being in a huge city like London – oh, Ryan, it was the most awful place in the world! It was just as awful as you’d said. I didn’t have the courage to keep at it.’
‘It’s probably a great place for those who like urban life,’ he said, ‘but it’s not for the likes of us, Bridie, not for you and me. We like the big spaces, the open air, the sea. I may sit in a lighthouse day in and day out but I’ve only to go out on the rock for some fishing or out on the gallery and there I am in the midst of vast space and beauty, in touch with the elements. It’s what’s real. Cities aren’t real; they’re man-made and divorced from nature. People crowded together like rats in a box. They reckon rats start killin’ and eatin’ one another when they’re all packed in like that. No wonder the people in cities are sick. Sick in the head and in the body too.’
He fell silent after this speech and I nodded in agreement, full of sadness at human plight. He was so right. But a great many people chose to live in cities, loved the crowded, action-filled, busy, crazy life they led.
‘Maybe you met some of those mad folks,’ said Ryan softly. ‘Somethin’ upset you. I know you, Bridie.’
I stared at the fire. Did Ryan suspect something?
‘It was the sea like you said – that’s what I missed so much apart from you.’
He smiled his slow tender smile and took my hand in his.
‘Missed you too, Bridie. I thought how the hell will I survive a whole year without my girl? And what if she fancies some other bloke and comes back married? I would have gone nuts.’
‘What would you have done if I had?’
‘Dunno, topped myself.’
‘Oh, Ryan, you would not! Don’t even joke that way.’
‘It’s no joke, Bridie. You know how I feel.’
‘Promise me you won’t ever say such a thing again.’ I felt a shudder pass over me at his words. ‘You once said you’d never do that for love of a mere woman.’
‘I was a fool then and I didn’t know what love was like,’ he said softly.
We both fell silent for a little while. Ryan looked at me keenly.
‘You are different,’ he said again. ‘Why do I get the feeling you’re not telling me everything?’
‘I haven’t really told you anything,’ I said with a sigh. ‘It was all an unpleasant experience. The Labour Exchange was the nastiest place and I couldn’t find work. When I did it was just exhausting and the lady I worked for was a pathetic, scared, little soul who left me in the lurch. I had my money stolen and the people in the place I was renting were mostly all horrible and weird. I didn’t eat well, slept badly and felt frightened most of the time. In the end I couldn’t abide another minute especially as what money I had was almost gone and it would have meant going on the dole and that I couldn’t bear. I realise now that I should have stayed in Bournemouth and looked for a job. Trying to run before I could walk, wasn’t I?’
‘Bloody hell! You did have a rough time. My poor darling. You did rather choose to jump in at the deep end. What made you want to go to London?’ His eyes narrowed. ‘Wouldn’t be nothing to do with Jim Bosworth, would it? Joe says he’s bought himself a pad in North London for when he’s not poncing about at Cambridge.’
I lowered my eyes. ‘Yes, he did suggest London to me, said it would be great.’
Ryan looked angry, ‘Is he behind all this, Bridie? Has he been making passes at you?’
Passes! He didn’t know the half of it. I tried to pour oil on troubled waters.
‘He was nice to me, Ryan, took me out for a couple of meals, found me a room and all that. It just all went wrong. I was upset because I couldn’t find decent work. He offered a job in some place he was working in during his vacation. But I didn’t want an office job so I said no.’
‘Hope you said no to any other ideas he might have had an’ all.’
I sighed. ‘Look, Ryan, I left London. I’m back with you now. Are you giving me the third degree about it? I’m sick to death of jealous blokes.’
‘Are you now? Sounds like there’s more to this than you’re saying, Bridie, but I’ll leave it at that. Sweetheart, I can tell you’ve been in trouble, I can sense it. You never had that sad look in your eyes before. I’ve told you I know you better’n you know yourself. If that Jim Bosworth laid a finger on you with or without your consent, I’ll kill him. He’d better not come near us again, the bastard.’
‘Ryan! Do stop it. Forget Jim. It’s about us, about our loving one another and being together. But you know – you still have to do it.’
‘Do what?’
‘Propose to me properly or I swear I’ll show you the door.’
Ryan smiled. ‘I ’ll pick the right moment.’
‘When will that ever be?’
‘Wait and see.’
It was when we were both out walking along Alum Chine beach one evening. It was getting late and the brightly coloured beach huts were all deserted and locked up for the night. In some cases their owners had long packed up and gone to their homes, leaving summer activities behind them. The sun was setting over the sea and the golden light spilled out from behind a dark cloud on the horizon.
‘It’s like the beam of the lighthouse,’ I said, ‘look at those rays of light, like a halo on a saint. It’s so beautiful and I feel so happy we’re together. I’m sorry we parted the way we did but I think it was a good thing, really.’
‘How come?’
‘It made us both realise what life might be like without one another.’
‘A meaningless, miserable existence,’ Ryan said softly. He suddenly knelt in the damp sand and took my hand. ‘Will you marry me, Bridie O’Neill? Will you promise to stay with me forever, no more going your way and me going mine? Our ways together forever.’
‘Yes, I do, I do, Ryan. I’ll marry you and follow you wherever you go.’
He rose and took me in his arms. ‘And will you be content and happy as a lighthouse-keeper’s wife, accept her lot? I wouldn’t want you to feel lonely like Mum. I promise in turn, I will never let you be unhappy like that. If you are, I’ll leave the service and find summat else to do.’
‘That’s a fair promise,’ I said. We kissed one another standing there on the shore till the incoming tide began to lap around our feet and laughing, holding hands, we ran back up into the Chine woods and all the way home to tell Susan and Ethel the good news.