When I opened my eyes and looked around, I realized three things. One—I was freezing cold. At first, I thought that was because I was sitting on an icy metal floor. But then I realized thing number two which was that I was completely naked. And then thing number three—I was not alone.
Standing over me were two beings—I say beings, not people because at that point both of them seemed completely alien. The first one was a dark blue worm thing with what seemed like about a hundred arms that ended in razor-sharp claws. It had googly eyes on long stalks that swiveled to survey me.
All that sounds scary and it was, but at least the blue millipede-worm thing was only about three feet tall, which was not the case for the second being looming over me.
The second being was the face I had seen in the mirror—the evil but civilized demon with the full-black eyes and a British accent. But what the mirror hadn’t shown me was how big he was.
He was taller than a professional basketball player and bigger than a professional wrestler—in fact, if my estimate was right, he was at least nine feet or three meters tall.
What I’m trying to say is that he was a freaking giant—we’re talking Goliath from the Bible proportions. And yes, I was scared to death.
But as frightened as I was, I couldn’t help noticing that he was a well-dressed giant. He had on tight black trousers tucked into tall black boots so big I probably could have lived in one, like the Old Woman who lived in the Shoe. He was also wearing a crisp white shirt that looked to be made of some kind of linen. It had long sleeves, immaculate cuffs, and a rounded collar. It looked a little like something a businessman would wear on Earth, I thought numbly. Over the shirt the gray giant wore a kind of long maroon vest that hung down almost to his boots. But it seemed to be cut oddly and was only long on the sides and short in the back—from what I could see, anyway.
Enough about the gray giant’s fashion sense, though—he was still freaking huge and I was still freaking terrified.
“Who are you? Where am I? What do you want with me? Why am I here?”
The questions came pouring out of my mouth as I scrambled to my feet and started backing away, while trying to cover my goodies with my arms. They say you don’t know how you’re going to react to a life-threatening situation until you are actually in one. Will you freeze, fight, or flee? My response was apparently to play twenty questions.
The gray giant frowned down at me in apparent surprise.
“Oh, it speaks,” he remarked.
“Yes, Overlord!” replied the blue worm in the high, squeaky voice I had heard in the background through the bathroom mirror. “The humans, while primitive, do have the power of speech and communication—though they speak only through their mouths and not with their minds.”
“Of course they cannot communicate through thought,” the gray guy said dismissively. “They are, after all, the least evolved species in this galaxy. It’s the reason I chose to buy one in the first place.”
“Wait a minute, you can’t buy me—I’m not for sale!” I exclaimed. “And who says we’re primitive and un-evolved?”
“His Eminence the Overlord is correct,” the blue worm informed me. “You humans are, after all, the only sentient species in this galaxy that are unaware of the fact that other sentient species exist right under the strange sensory organs you call your ‘noses’. You are also the only species who know nothing of the Ancient Ones who seeded your world with their DNA in the first place and then locked it securely to keep your species pure.”
“Wait…Ancient Ones? Other species?” My mind was reeling.
“The Ancient Ones were beings who came before and scattered their DNA throughout this galaxy,” the blue worm lectured me. “They are the reason so many humanoid species exist. They also seeded your word with a translation virus, which is the only reason a primitive creature such as yourself is able to understand both me and his Eminence, the Overlord.”
“I am not primitive and neither are my people!” I exclaimed—I was definitely offended now.
“They certainly are,” the blue worm said. “Your people are the only sentient species in the galaxy without the ability to navigate space.”
“Hey, we do too navigate space!” I protested. At this point, I felt kind of like all of humanity was on trial and I was the one trying to defend them. “I mean, we have NASA and the International Space Station,” I pointed out. “That has to count for something.”
The worm made a dismissive motion with most of its hands.
“Primitive facilities. You have barely even explored your own natural satellite—though you have certainly managed to pollute the space around your planet quite excessively.”
“Natural satellite? You mean the moon?” I looked around myself at the dull silver walls and floor and ceiling. “Is that where we are now? Is this some kind of…of space station on the moon?”
“The Earthling makes a reasonable deduction,” the gray giant rumbled, looking at me thoughtfully. “Perhaps it isn’t quite as unintelligent as I had imagined.”
“We are not on your ‘moon,’” the worm informed me in its squeaky voice. “We are presently in a ship in low Earth orbit, hidden among the space detritus you humans have discarded. This is the headquarters of the AMI.”
“The AMI?” I shook my head. “Never heard of it.”
“The Alien Mate Index,” the blue worm said. “It is a premium service offered by the Commercians—that is myself and my colleagues.” Here it pointed to itself with about fifty of its clawed hands. “We offer this service to the well-to-do males of the galaxy so that those who wish to procure Pure Ones as brides may do so.”
“Brides?” I looked back and forth between the three-foot-tall blue worm and nine-foot-tall gray giant. I didn’t want to marry either of them! “Look, I’m already engaged!” I babbled. “To a really nice guy called Don—Don Jones. And just because we’ve been engaged for a long time without getting married doesn’t mean we don’t want to! I…I mean I’ve got my wedding dress hanging in my closet right now! I just need to lose some weight so I can get into it. So I can’t possibly marry either one of you—I’m sorry but I just can’t.”
I was babbling at this point, because sometimes when my brain cuts off, my mouth cuts on. I was also still backing away until I suddenly felt something hard and ice-cold press against my bare ass.
I gasped and jumped, casting a glance behind me. It was the metal wall—or rather, the intersection of two metal walls.
I had literally backed myself into a corner.
The gray giant was frowning and shaking his head.
“Charnoth, I was pleased at first that the Earthling could talk, but now I am wondering if it might not be a bit too loquacious.”
“There are no refunds, returns, or exchanges,” the blue worm, whose name was apparently “Charnoth” said quickly. “Your Eminence was given ample time to scan all of the Earth’s inhabitants and choose the one female that you wanted and this is the one you chose. You cannot return her.”
“Yes he can!” I exclaimed. “Please—please return me!” I looked up at the gray giant with his curling horns and his full-black eyes. “I can’t marry you!” I told him. “I mean, you seem like a really nice guy but I just can’t. I mean you’re too big. How…how would we even, uh, fit together? I mean—my head would barely come up to your elbow! And I’m sure your, uh, equipment wouldn’t work with mine. It would be like trying to shove one of those giant summer sausages into a little keyhole or…or a Great Dane trying to mate with a Chihuahua or…or something like that!”
The gray giant frowned at me and a look of comprehension came over his face.
“Ah—I think I see the source of your confusion. Please do not fear—I am not here to take you as my bride, little one. You are to be my pet.”