Chapter 7
How to Ruin a Romance
Barbara Barrington Jones
When I talk to high-school classes, I always ask both boys and girls for their pet peeves about the opposite sex. I ask what bothers girls about guys and what bothers guys about girls. The answers always come in the same ways. The girls are quick to answer first. The guys never say anything until the end, but they have an equally long list. I thought it might be revealing to see the things that cause problems in dating.
Girls’ Pet Peeve #1. The guy calls up a girl for a date, and the conversation goes something like this:
“Hi, Judy, this is Tim. How about a date?”
Judy answers, “That sounds like fun.”
Then Tim asks, “What do you want to do?”
They begin to go back and forth. “No, what do you want to do?”
“I don’t know. What do you want to do?”
“No really, you decide. Let’s do what you want to do.”
The thing goes on and on.
Guys, the girl is trying to get you to decide. You need to present a plan.
Guys’ Pet Peeve #1. A boy and a girl are driving along or sitting somewhere together. The guy thinks that they are enjoying a comfortable silence when the girl asks, “What’s wrong?”
He answers truthfully, “Nothing.”
The girl presses, “No, really, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong.”
“No, really, I know there’s something wrong.”
The guy finally thinks, “There’s nothing wrong, but there’s going to be pretty soon.”
Girls, resist over-analyzing everything. Guys do not feel the need to examine a dating relationship with as much thoroughness as girls do.
Girls’ Pet Peeve #2. A girl hates it when the guy shows up late for a date. Guys, I’m going to tell you a terrific strategy for making points with a girl’s parents.
First, show up on time. When you walk in, shake hands with both the mother and father and, as a way of introduction, say, “How do you do. My name is————.” They will be pleasantly impressed by your good manners.
Second, when the girl comes in, say “Susan, you look really nice tonight.” She’ll fall dead in her tracks when you say that.
Then this is the clincher—this will make the parents love you. Ask her parents, “What time would you like for me to have your daughter in tonight?”
I’m not kidding you. The minute you leave the room, the dad is going to say, “Now that’s the kind of young man my daughter should be out with.”
Guys’ Pet Peeve #2. When the guy shows up on time, do not make him wait. He has already said what he needs to with your parents. The conversation becomes uncomfortable. Don’t make him wait.
Girls’ Pet Peeve #3. A girl hates it when a boy says, “I’ll call you” and then doesn’t.
Often a guy doesn’t even realize that he is saying it. But a girl takes it seriously. She will sit by the phone and wait. It is very upsetting. If you say you’re going to call, then call. If you’re not going to call, don’t say it.
I have asked guys if it is okay for girls to call them. The answer was both yes and no. The guys that date a lot say no: “We want to be the ones that initiate the call. But after we have been going with a girl, it’s great. It’s fine to call.”
The shy guys, however, say “We love it. We think it’s great for a girl to call us.”
Guys hate:
A girl who talks all the time about nothing.
Too much perfume.
Too much makeup. If you are wondering if you have too much makeup on, you do.
Getting makeup on their clothes.
A girl who won’t talk.
Girls hate:
Music in the car so loud that you can’t talk.
Too much aftershave.
Shaving stubble.
The mirror syndrome. (Every time a guy walks past a mirror, he has to check himself out.)
A time-warp hairstyle.
A guy who only wears sweats.
A guy who dresses exactly like all his friends.
A guy’s main problem is his ego. If you bruise that, it’s all over. A girl’s main problem is that she loves to analyze everything. She will analyze and reanalyze with her girlfriends and her mom.
Dating is a great way to get to know and enjoy being around a lot of different people. However, here are a few surefire ways to kill a budding romance:
1. Be a policeman or policewoman. Get upset if the person you are interested in is seen talking to anyone else. Act as if the person is your private property and you don’t want anyone else being around the person.
2. Playing hard to get and other games. If one person does all the giving and the other doesn’t respond in kind, the romance is not going to work.
3. Talk about commitment on the first date. Try to analyze where things are going on the first date. Chances are a guy doesn’t even know yet.
4. Love a guy only when he is feeling strong. Everyone should be allowed to have a bad day occasionally.
5. Take him or her for granted.
6. Open old wounds. Rub it in about an old girlfriend or boyfriend. Bring up the past, who the person dated and what the person did.
7. Get hung up on three little words. For some people it is very easy to say “I love you.” For others it is really hard.
8. Be everywhere together, between classes, at lunch, after school. Smother the person with your presence every moment.
I was talking at a high school one day when I noticed some tension going on between a girl and her boyfriend. She read a note that he handed her, wadded it up, and threw it in the trash. After they left, I retrieved the note. This is what it said:
“I understand you. This is a definite sign that you are getting tired of me. You can’t tell me it isn’t. There are many examples.
“1. You don’t like me anymore.
“2. You don’t like to talk to me on the phone or even call me.
“3. (scribbled out)
“4. You don’t like to be with me all the time. It’s obvious you are getting tired of me, and I’m sorry you are. You say you love me and I believe you, but I know that you are sick of me. I predict that within a month you’ll break up with me, but I think you’ll regret it eventually. You expect me not to be mad that you don’t like me all the time, but how would you feel if you called me tonight to go to the glee club thing and I said well, no, I didn’t want to go. I just don’t feel like seeing you. This is no big deal, I know. I knew it would eventually happen like this. It happens to all relationships when they get to the end.
“I love you. I wish you loved me as much. Our relationship would be perfect. I know that I didn’t buy you presents and flowers all the time, but I tried.
“P.S. I don’t want anyone else to read this.
“P.P.S. Why don’t you write me back. What do you mean you don’t have paper? You could have taken a ten-minute time-out. I guess I can’t change you.
“Well, I don’t mean this letter. I’m just in a bad mood. I’m fighting with you. I’m getting F’s on everything. I don’t do my homework. My dad’s after me. I’m doing terrible in track. Why is everything going so bad for me?”
Could you have written this letter? Take this quiz and see how your self-image stacks up.
1. Is how you feel about yourself based on what others say about you?
A girl or guy comes up to you and says, “Gee, you look great today.” Do you think, “How can they say I look great today? They’re just saying that. I really don’t.”
If you think like that, you’re a one.
If you would say, “Thanks,” and mean it, you’re a ten.
2. You go out and buy a brand new outfit. You think you look terrific. When you wear it, the first thing your friend says is, “Where did you get that?”
If you say to yourself, “I’m never going to wear this again,” you’re a one.
If you say to yourself, “I like it. I spent a lot of time picking this out,” you’re a ten.
3. How you feel about yourself is based on how well you do things.
Your parents want you to make A’s and B’s on your report card. If you do, they promise you a reward.
You do your very best, and you get one C. How do you feel about yourself? If you are totally bummed out, you’re a one.
If you say to yourself, “Look, I did my very best; there was no way I could have done any better,” you are a ten. And if you can go to your parents and honestly say that, you are a ten plus.
4. Can you show your feelings to people?
Your parents accuse you of something you did not do. If you can stick up for yourself without going into a temper tantrum, then you’re a ten. Or if you turn around and walk into your room and slam the door, saying, “They should know that I didn’t,” then you’re a one.
5. Can you let people know what your weaknesses are?
If you can let your boyfriend see you without any makeup on, you’re a ten. If you look awful, and when your boyfriend comes to the door you don’t answer it, then you’re a one.
If you’re a guy, can you let a girl see you cry? If you can’t you’re a one. If you can, you’re a ten.
6. How you feel about yourself depends on the way you look. If you look in the mirror and say, “Not bad; I like you,” then you’re a ten.
If you look in the mirror and say, “Why me?” you’re a one.
7. Do you compare your situation with others? You’re a ten if you can say, “You know, I wouldn’t trade with anybody.” You’re a one if you say, “I wish I were Ted or Susan. I wish I could play the piano like Jane. I wish I looked like Beth.”
How do we develop more self-esteem? How do we feel better about ourselves? Remember this, God did not forget you. You have special talents, special abilities that nobody else has. It’s up to you to find out what they are. What you are is a gift from God. What you become is your gift to him.
As you grow in confidence, then you can stop looking inward at yourself and look out at the rest of the world. When you truly become unselfish, then you can become more comfortable in dating and getting to know new friends. Forgetting yourself and thinking about the other person first is perhaps the greatest secret not only to successful dating but also to a successful life.
Barbara Barrington Jones grooms young women for the Miss Universe, Miss USA, Miss America, and Junior Miss beauty pageants. She spent twenty-five years in classical ballet and has been a fashion designer and professional model. She and her husband, Hal, have two children. They live in Novato, California.