Barbecued-vegetable ratatouille
Barbecued pork with watermelon salad
Parmesan crisps and prosciutto
Spaghetti puttanesca with green salad
Poke Bowl
This recipe contains “sashimi-grade” tuna, which can be replaced with salmon (also “sashimi-grade”) if tuna is unavailable or you prefer salmon. I was once severely criticized for ordering bluefin tuna at a restaurant1, as the fish is critically endangered (though the fate of the individual fish in question had already been determined). Fortunately, having since tasted bluefin tuna2, I prefer the yellowfin (ahi) variety, which is less fatty and not endangered. Rosie formerly ate only sustainable seafood and no meat, for ethical reasons. Yet living an ethical life, taking into account harm to animals and risks of extinction, is incredibly difficult.
Are we only trying to avoid complete extinction, or is there merit in encouraging more of a species to be born? Including humans, given that many of the sustainability problems would disappear if the human population diminished? Are the lives of all animals and fish – and even insects and plankters – of equal value? If not, how do we calculate individual worth and the appropriate (relative) level of empathy and concern? Is intelligence a relevant input? Ability to feel pain? Cuteness? Should we kill predators to save the lives of their prey? Must our decisions be scalable? Or can we personally take non-scalable decisions, such as eating kangaroo, which does not consume the farmed grain that generates mouse plagues, leading to the deliberate mass poisoning and agonizing deaths of millions of animals which would otherwise never have been born, and which I know from personal experience to be relatively intelligent and even “cute,” almost certainly more so than bluefin tuna?
Rosie and I have discussed these and a vast number of related issues, such as whether our decision to have only one child and cycle to work entitles us to wreak some compensatory damage in the interests of a tastier meal, at length. The net result is that Rosie now eats a limited amount of meat and the topic is no longer permitted to be raised.
Note the use of the rice cooker. All of my Asian friends – and their mothers, who would be expected to be reference points for tradition – use this inexpensive appliance. Several recommend scheduling at least 15 minutes in “warm” mode before serving the rice.
COMMON RESOURCES
2/3 cup brown rice
2 tbsp soy sauce
1 tbsp sesame oil
1 lime
RECIPE-SPECIFIC INGREDIENTS
200 g (1 or 2 slices) yellowfin tuna (or alternative, according to taste and ethics)
1 birds-eye or alternative preferred chili, fresh or reconstituted (optional)
1 avocado
1 cob of sweet corn
1 red capsicum (only 1/2 required today)
Rice cooker with plastic ladle
Medium bowl
PROCESS
Time: 35 minutes, largely determined by rice-cooking time, with some unallocated time.
Put brown rice in the rice cooker with a cup of water (more than required for white rice; it will cause the cooking time to lengthen, as the cooker’s cutoff is triggered by temperature rather than time) and activate1.
Chop chili into tiny pieces (30 seconds) and put in bowl.
Add sesame oil and soy sauce to bowl; mix with spoon.
Cut the tuna into 1 cm cubes and add to the bowl. Stir to cover tuna in dressing.
Halve avocado; remove flesh using a tablespoon and cut into 1 cm cubes.
Strip leaves from sweet corn, hold on its end on a chopping board, and use knife to “shave off” the kernels. Retrieve stray kernels from bench and floor, and put in bin or with other kernels, depending on your attitude to hygiene and waste.
Chop half the capsicum into pieces the size of corn kernels. Wrap other half in cling wrap and refrigerate.
When rice is ready, distribute into 2 bowls. Add remaining ingredients, including dressing and juice of lime, on top of rice. Serve.
This recipe accommodates enormous variation through adding / deleting compatible ingredients, such as halved cherry tomatoes, seaweed, even nuts or pumpkin seeds. Check the internet or the menu board at a poke restaurant.
Use sushi rice and follow preparation instructions on package, including use of sushi vinegar.
Greek-style Barbecue
One of the most common criticisms of the Standardized Meal System is its supposed lack of flexibility – a criticism comprehensively demolished by the Greek-style barbecue. This meal will improve your tolerance for ambiguity and provide enjoyable social interaction.
The source of the flexibility and social interaction is the shopping procedure, optionally preceded by negotiation with other diners. For example:
Me: Meat, seafood, or vegetables?
Rosie: Ah, it’s Greek-barbecue night.
Me: Of course. It’s summer. It’s Saturday.
Rosie: You know the answer. Just not meat.
Me: So, complete flexibility as long as it’s not meat?
Rosie: I’m guessing that’ll mean calamari. And saganaki.
Me: They satisfy the criteria, so obviously I’ll include them in the options.
Seafood Vendor: Greetings, Don. Greek-barbecue night coming up?
Me: Correct. What do you recommend?
Seafood Vendor: You asking me? I already cleaned and wrapped the calamari for you. But, doesn’t matter. I’ve got some beautiful fresh –
Me (exhibiting empathy): Obviously, if you’ve already prepared the calamari…
Other (theoretical) possibilities include fish (whole or filleted), prawns (shrimp), mussels, scallops, lamb chops; as well as less traditional options, such as kangaroo, sausages (skinless or skinned), steak, butterflied quail, capsicums, eggplant, corn. (People of Greek heritage eat a wide variety of foods.)
Seek the vendor’s advice on cooking new ingredients, as I did eighteen years ago, when I first purchased calamari.
The (optional) starter is sourced from a Greek delicatessen. The varied items available will further multiply the possibilities of this already flexible meal. Example:
Greek Deli Owner: Don. How’s Rosie; how’s your boy?
<Conversation unrelated to the Standardized Meal System>
Greek Deli Owner: I better serve these other customers. I’ve got your cheese. Three slices.
Me: What else do you recommend?
Greek Deli Owner: The dips, the marinated octopus, stuffed peppers. And here, try this dolmade. My grandmother…
<Break in conversation while dolmade is assessed>
Me: Delicious. But inferior to the frying cheese. World’s most delicious Greek deli item.
Greek Deli Owner: You can’t go past the cheese.
COMMON RESOURCES: GREEK BARBECUE
2 lemons
Plain flour (if Greek deli items include frying cheese)
RECIPE-SPECIFIC INGREDIENTS: GREEK BARBECUE
Greek deli items (e.g. frying cheese)
Greek barbecue item(s)
COMMON RESOURCES: GREEK SALAD
1 tsp oregano (dried is acceptable)
1 tbsp red-wine vinegar
150 g feta cheese (marinated or unmarinated)
28 pitted black olives (marinated or unmarinated)
RECIPE-SPECIFIC INGREDIENTS: GREEK SALAD
(Deliberately excessive to allow for leftovers)
450 g high-quality tomatoes
350 g cucumber
6 large basil leaves (or equivalent in small leaves)
EQUIPMENT
Salad bowl
Salad servers
Serving plate for Greek deli items
Serving plate for barbecued food
Grater / zester
Bowl for refrigerating “leftover” salad
Time: 7 minutes.
Slice cucumber (peeling not required) into 1 1/2 cm cubes.
Cut tomatoes into convenient sizes for eating. If using cherry tomatoes, cut in half.
Tear basil leaves to produce 24 pieces.
Cut feta into 1 1/2 cm cubes (if not already cut).
Put cucumber, tomatoes, olives, and basil into bowl. Add vinegar, olive oil, and 1 teaspoon of salt, and mix for 15 seconds with salad servers.
Transfer 300 g of salad to bowl; cover and refrigerate for use on Monday.
Add the feta and distribute oregano over the top.
PROCESS: GREEK BARBECUE
Time: dependent on choice of barbecue items, but between 10 and 40 minutes, unless cooking multiple items serially.
If you are cooking meat (including chicken) or prawns, I recommend marinating it after bringing it home – in 4 tablespoons of olive oil, 1 teaspoon of oregano or finely chopped rosemary (meat only), 6 twists of the pepper mill, 2 cloves of finely chopped garlic, and the zest of the lemons. Refrigerate until an hour before cooking.
Slice lemons into quarters and put on serving plate for barbecued food.
If you have selected frying cheese:
Put 2 tablespoons of flour on chopping board, wet cheese under the tap, then place each side in contact with the flour to coat.
Fry cheese on barbecue plate (or in frying pan) on high heat for 3 minutes each side, using spatula to flip.
Serve and squeeze a wedge of lemon over cheese.
Else:
Put Greek deli items on serving plate.
Commence eating while working at barbecue.
Cook the Greek barbecue item(s) as recommended by the vendor and serve. Eat with salad. Diners should squeeze lemon juice on all items.
If there are diverse items (e.g. lamb chops and fish), I recommend cooking each variety separately and eating it before cooking the next, assuming diners are eating in the vicinity of the barbecue and can continue conversation with you. If not (e.g. unsuitable weather; poor house design or selection), I recommend calculating start times for all items so that they finish together.
None of this complexity is necessary if you have standardized on calamari.
If there is leftover salad (even just liquid), remove the feta cheese (discard / eat) and add to the bowl in the refrigerator.
VARIATION
This meal already accommodates vast variation.
Thai Duck / Chicken Curry; Grilled Pineapple
Common Resource Maintenance, if required – start early!
Chicken Stock
Minestrone Soup
Thai and curry are both strongly correlated with chili. My position on chili is similar to my friend Dave’s position on bacon: as an additive, it has the potential to improve most savory dishes. When forced to eat mass-produced food that has been designed to be inoffensive to the maximum number of people (hence zero spice, zero interesting ingredients, and overcooked), I pack a vial of cayenne pepper to add to my meal (more practical than bacon). If you do not want to stimulate a discussion, or criticism, I recommend performing this act surreptitiously (virtually impossible with bacon).
The instructions are for the duck version. If using chicken, check under Variations – changes are minor.
COMMON RESOURCES: THAI DUCK / CHICKEN CURRY
3/4 cup rice of your preferred variety1
Thai yellow-curry paste
1 tbsp fish sauce
2 limes
1 cup coconut milk – store remainder of 400 ml can in refrigerator
3 frozen kaffir-lime leaves (can be omitted if impossible to source)
RECIPE-SPECIFIC INGREDIENTS: THAI DUCK / CHICKEN CURRY
300 g duck fillet (boneless breast, skin on)
1/2 red capsicum (leftover)
2 red and / or yellow capsicums
200 g snake beans or conventional green beans
1 bunch coriander leaves
RECIPE-SPECIFIC INGREDIENTS: GRILLED PINEAPPLE
1 ripe pineapple
EQUIPMENT
Rice cooker with plastic ladle
Large frying pan or wok
Small sharp knife
Plate
Small bowl
Blender or food processor
Freezer container or bag (approx. 300 ml)
PROCESS
Time: 63 minutes, including at least 30 minutes unallocated time.
At any time: chop both ends off pineapple and slice down sides to remove all skin. Slice two 2 cm discs from the pineapple, remove tough cores with a sharp knife, cover with cling wrap, and refrigerate. Slice remainder of pineapple into 2 1/2 cm discs, cut around core to remove edible flesh, and chop that into cubes1 (approximately 200 g). Freeze the cubes for Tuesday.
Put rice in cooker with equal volume of water and activate.
Trim ends from beans. Optionally, cut into thirds (but whole snake beans look more interesting).
Cut capsicums in half (except the one already halved), remove seeds and pith, and cut into 1 cm cubes.
Tear coriander leaves from stalks.
Cut lime into quarters and put on table.
Slash duck skin with knife – 4 parallel cuts, 4 more at 90 degrees – to enable fat to escape when cooking.
12: Put duck on oven tray (or in a roasting dish), fat side down.
Free time.
42: Put frying pan on burner / hotplate with heat at 40% of maximum.
Remove duck from oven. Transfer 2 tablespoons of duck fat from oven tray to frying pan.
45: Put 4 tablespoons of curry paste in the pan. Stir with wooden spoon.
47: Add coconut milk, fish sauce, lime leaves torn in half, beans, capsicum, and 150 ml of water. Stir.
Cut duck fillet in half crosswise, then into 1 cm slices along (previously) long dimension. Add duck to pan and stir.
Adjust temperature to maintain simmer.
62: Put rice on table.
Sprinkle coriander leaves over curry and serve. Advise diners to squeeze lime on their portions.
When guests are ready for dessert: heat barbecue grill to medium, put pineapple slices on, cook for 2 minutes each side, and serve.
VARIATIONS
Replace duck with chicken. You will not need to slash the skin to release fat, but in the absence of duck fat will need to use cooking oil or coconut oil sourced by separating coconut cream, which could be sourced from fresh coconut. If you are contemplating the latter option, you should consult a specialist Thai cookery book.
Add birds-eye chili or reconstituted dried chili at the same time as the beans (recommended).
Experiment with alternative brands of curry paste, and with red and green varieties.
Add a stalk of lemongrass cut into 5 cm lengths.
A variety of other vegetables can be added. I recommend baby corn, eggplant, and sweet potato (pre-boil in small pieces).
Roast a banana on the barbecue in its skin for 20 minutes and add to the curry just before serving.
Pineapple can be served raw rather than grilled. Or, after turning the pineapple over, pour 1/2 a tablespoon of dark rum on each slice (there will be flames).
COMMON RESOURCE MAINTENANCE: MINESTRONE SOUP
This recipe makes approximately 32 cups (16 serves) of soup, which can be frozen – enough for eight Friday meals for two. The quantity will fit in a 30 cm diameter x 12 1/2 cm high pot; if you are using a smaller pot, scale down.
However, minestrone is the world’s most relaxing (and potentially therapeutic and creativity-enhancing1) dish to prepare – routine work which does not require precision in timing or quantity2. You may wish to make it more frequently in smaller quantities and / or use the surplus for weekday lunches, as I do.
COMMON RESOURCES
300 g brown onions
3 carrots
3 cans tomatoes, 400g each
3 cans white beans3, 400g each
600 g green cabbage
500 g potatoes
6 cups chicken stock (see Common Resource Maintenance, below)
RECIPE-SPECIFIC INGREDIENTS
600 g zucchinis
300 g green beans
Large enameled cast-iron pot
Freezer containers (to hold 2 serves of soup – 4 cups)
PROCESS
Time: minimum 6 hours, preferably longer, but you need to be present only for the first 40 minutes, and to terminate the cooking process and freeze soup.
Put 2 tablespoons of cooking oil in pot on burner / hotplate at 60% of maximum temperature. In sequence, prepare each of the vegetables as specified below, add to pot, and stir with wooden spoon. Timing is non-critical.
Onions – peel and cut into 1 cm cubes.
Carrots – peel and cut into discs 1/2 cm thick.
Zucchini – cut into discs 1/2 cm thick.
Green beans – cut off stringy ends and halve.
Potatoes – peel and cut into 2 cm cubes.
Cabbage – cut into 1 cm slices, which will then partially disintegrate (and compress).
Continue to cook for 15 minutes, stirring every 3 minutes.
Drain liquid from white beans and add to pot. Add tomatoes and stock.
Manage temperature to achieve and maintain simmer.
Leave to cook as long as practicable (I recommend turning it off 40 minutes before going to bed).
Turn off heat. Set timer for 5 minutes before bedtime. When timer sounds, freeze or refrigerate (see above).
COMMON RESOURCE MAINTENANCE: CHICKEN STOCK
In summer, autumn, and winter, since I do not have roast-chicken leftovers, I make stock using raw chicken. The negative is that the stock needs to be skimmed; the positive is that the recipe is totally scalable – the quantity is limited only by the capacity of your cooking pot(s) and freezer. Obviously, the frequency of replenishment will be inversely proportional to the batch quantity.
The stock will keep for 6 months in a refrigerator freezer. Do not store it in the refrigerator for more than 3 days without reheating – it is an excellent environment for breeding bacteria. Refer Spring Sunday for substitutes.
COMMON RESOURCES
4 brown onions
4 carrots
RECIPE-SPECIFIC INGREDIENTS
8 chicken carcasses (alternatively, 4 kg chicken wings)
EQUIPMENT
Largest available pot
Second-largest pot or largest bowl (whichever is larger), multiple if necessary, to hold strained stock
Large sieve
Freezer containers (to hold 2 cups each)
Time: minimum 5 hours, requiring occasional presence for scum skimming, plus later intervention to skim fat and freeze.
Put chicken carcasses in pot and press down to crush using hand or wooden spoon.
Peel onions and carrots.
Chop onions into quarters (or smaller) and carrots into 1 cm discs. Add to pot.
Pour cold water into pot to a level 5 cm above the top of the chicken carcasses.
Put pot on burner / hotplate on medium heat. Allow to boil; adjust heat to maintain simmer1.
Every 15 minutes for first hour, skim denatured protein (scum) from surface with small sieve. After first hour, reduce frequency to once every 30 minutes.
After minimum 4 hours: remove pot from heat and allow to cool.
An hour later: pour liquid through sieve into second pot or bowl. Refrigerate. Set timer for just before bedtime.
When timer sounds, skim fat from surface and discard. Distribute stock into freezing containers and freeze.
Greek Gazpacho; Barbecued-vegetable Ratatouille
Tonight’s meal is readily scaled up. I recommend that if you need to feed vegetarians, you schedule them for this day, move the piña-colada sorbet to today, and enjoy Tuesday’s lobster undisturbed.
Greek gazpacho is an idea from chef Jamie Oliver – brilliant use of leftovers and trivially simple to make.
Ratatouille is conventionally cooked in a pan with olive oil, but in summer I take advantage of opportunities to use the barbecue, thus establishing a second “happy place” for myself.
RECIPE-SPECIFIC INGREDIENTS: GREEK GAZPACHO
Leftover (“reserved”) salad from Saturday
COMMON RESOURCES: RATATOUILLE
1 large red onion
3 cloves garlic
1 tbsp balsamic vinegar
1 tbsp red-wine vinegar
1 lemon (zest only)
RECIPE-SPECIFIC INGREDIENTS: RATATOUILLE
1 eggplant (400 g)
350 g zucchinis
1 yellow and 2 red capsicums
1/4 bunch of basil leaves, with stalks
300 g cherry tomatoes (or conventional tomato)
Enameled cast-iron pot
3 bowls
Bowl for refrigerating capsicum
Blender
PROCESS
Time: approximately 100 minutes.
Activate the barbecue (direct heat, 220 degrees – lid on).
Peel onion and cut in half.
When barbecue is heated, put onion and all other vegetables except cherry tomatoes on the grill, whole.
Put cherry tomatoes on flat barbecue plate or in a foil dish (to avoid them falling through the grill).
When tomatoes begin to shrivel and spurt juice (from 4 to 20 minutes, depending on cooking circumstances – log for future reference), transfer them to the bowl.
Turn vegetables to achieve 90% blackness on skin of capsicums and appearance of “cooked” for remaining vegetables (28 minutes), and process them as described below. Turn off barbecue.
Cut onion into 8 pieces and put in bowl.
Cut zucchini into 2 1/2 cm discs and put in bowl.
Cut eggplant in half and pull out flesh without breaking up. Cut each piece lengthwise, then crosswise to create cubes. Put in bowl.
Allow capsicums to cool (15 minutes, depending on your tolerance of heat / pain).
Peel capsicums with fingers, cut in half, and discard core and water.
Cut a red capsicum into 2 cm strips; put in bowl; cover with 3 tablespoons of olive oil and 1 tablespoon of red-wine vinegar. Stir, cover, and refrigerate.
Cut remaining capsicums into 2 1/2 cm squares; add to bowl with onions, zucchini, and eggplant.
Tear basil leaves from stalks. Chop stalks into tiny pieces (30 seconds chopping).
Peel and chop garlic (1 minute chopping).
Put pot on burner / hotplate and set temperature to 40% of maximum. Add 2 tablespoons of olive oil, the basil stalks, and the garlic. Fry for 6 minutes.
Add contents of the bowl to the pot, plus 1/2 a teaspoon of salt, 8 turns of the pepper grinder, and 1 tablespoon of balsamic vinegar.
Put lid on pot and adjust heat to simmer for 30 minutes (non-critical).
When ready to eat the Greek gazpacho: put leftover Greek salad in blender with 8 small ice cubes. Blend until smooth. Serve.
When ready to eat the ratatouille: zest a lemon (put remaining lemon in refrigerator for future juicing). Add basil leaves (torn into smaller pieces if very large) and lemon zest on top of ratatouille, and serve.
This is a vegan, gluten-free recipe. The former is easily rectified, since the barbecue is already required. Simply add meat of your choice, barbecued as recommended, while the pot is simmering. I recommend merguez sausages or some other form of lamb. Other diners can choose whether they want this addition; the ratatouille can function as a main dish or a side dish. You may want to reduce the quantity.
Jamie Oliver, whose recipe provided the excellent idea of the lemon zest and basil, recommends serving the ratatouille with rice. I disagree – but he is a professional, so you should try it, possibly experimenting with different forms of rice.
Grilled Figs; Lobster Salad; Cheese and Crackers; Piña-colada Sorbet
Guest night. Quantity for four people.
Recommended cocktail: pink-grapefruit margarita.
Recommended wine: oak-aged sauvignon blanc.
The lobster1 salad, based on a recipe by Melbourne chef Teage Ezard (inventor of numerous delicious but complex dishes), is a longstanding component of the Standardized Meal System: I served it to Rosie on our first “date.” This version has been vastly simplified, primarily through the use of pre-cooked lobster – which may be unavoidable, as live lobsters are difficult to source. This approach also eliminates the risk of traumatic (but conversation-provoking) encounters between guests and their dinner.
Even dead lobster is expensive and the amount specified is the minimum for four persons. Large prawns (shrimp), cooked and peeled, are an excellent alternative. Monkfish is known as “poor man’s lobster” and on that basis would seem to be an obvious substitute. Or (refer Variants) you can substitute a cheaper grilled protein and serve the salad “on the side.”
For the grapefruit margarita, add an equal quantity2 of freshly squeezed pink-grapefruit juice to the standard margarita recipe (refer Spring Tuesday). You can top the drink with soda if you or guests prefer it, or if the weather is hot. The drink can then be called a paloma.
COMMON RESOURCES: GRILLED FIGS
Balsamic vinegar
RECIPE-SPECIFIC INGREDIENTS: GRILLED FIGS
4 large or 8 small figs
8 slices prosciutto
COMMON RESOURCES: LOBSTER SALAD
Salad ingredients:
100 g somen noodles
1 tbsp peanut oil
1 tbsp hazelnut oil
1 tbsp tobiko (flying fish roe, frozen product)
1 sheet nori (or 1/2 tbsp green nori sprinkle)
1/2 lemon
Dressing ingredients:
1 egg (yolk only required – I use the white to make a pisco sour to drink while making the salad)
1 tsp Dijon mustard
40 ml Japanese rice-wine vinegar
2 tsp kecap manis (sweet soy sauce)
150 ml peanut oil
1/2 tbsp dried dashi
2 tbsp dried bonito flakes
1/2 lemon (other 1/2 specified in salad ingredients)
RECIPE-SPECIFIC INGREDIENTS: LOBSTER SALAD
1 1/2 kg whole Australian crayfish, cooked, or equivalent lobster, langoustine, or tails of any of these (There is considerable inedible weight in a whole crustacean – in fact, if you are unconcerned about cost, you can double the amount of lobster specified. It will almost certainly be consumed, though you can probably omit the cheese and crackers. If using an alternative sea creature, or tails, seek fishmonger’s advice on “how much per person in a salad”.)
1 head witlof (Belgian endive / chicory)
1 large mango
1 large avocado or 2 small avocados
COMMON RESOURCES: CHEESE AND CRACKERS
Crackers
RECIPE-SPECIFIC INGREDIENTS: CHEESE AND CRACKERS
Cheese
COMMON RESOURCES: PIÑA-COLADA SORBET
Simple syrup, if needed (standard resource in the cocktail maker’s fridge – refer Autumn Tuesday)
RECIPE-SPECIFIC INGREDIENTS: PIÑA-COLADA SORBET
200 g frozen pineapple chunks (frozen on Saturday)
150 ml coconut milk (remainder of can saved from Sunday)
Toothpicks
Serving plates for figs and salad
Scissors for cutting lobster carapace (feasible with a knife)
Kettle
Sieve
Blender or food processor
3 bowls (rinse between uses)
Salad bowl
Lemon squeezer
Platter for serving
Small bowl for serving dressing
Chopping board or plate for serving cheese
PROCESS
Time: 31 minutes preparation (after practice). Minimal time for other tasks.
Start early. The goal is to prepare the figs for cooking and the lobster salad in its entirety before guests arrive (as with any new process, the first time will take much longer). With most of the work done, you will be free to participate in interesting conversations, demonstrate barbecuing confidence, and drink alcohol (optional) with minimal pressure.
Prepare the somen noodles according to the instructions on the packet. Add the peanut oil, toss to coat, and put in refrigerator to cool.
If using large figs, cut them in half lengthwise. Wrap a slice of prosciutto around each fig / half and secure with a toothpick. Figs are “ready to go.”
Dissolve the dashi and the bonito flakes in 1 tablespoon of recently boiled water to form a paste. Put in refrigerator.
Extract the crayfish / lobster meat. This is a messy job. You should wear an apron (or clothes that you can wash immediately afterwards – change before dinner).
You may want to watch an instructional video on the internet before disassembling a lobster for the first time. Essentially, you need to break off all legs and claws from the body (diners will crack claws and extract the meat themselves), twist the tail off, use scissors to cut the white side of the shell lengthwise, and extract the white “tail” flesh in a single piece. Pull out the thin intestinal tract, which will be within the “head” end of the tail meat.
Wash flesh (the lobster’s and your own) to remove tomalley1 (greenish-brown paste that serves as liver and pancreas). Put lobster legs and claws in a bowl; cover and refrigerate. Do not put discarded lobster components in the garbage bin unless it is bin-collection night. It is summer, and they will rapidly decompose and smell terrible. Put in a plastic bag and freeze until bin night.
The messy work is over. A good time to separate the egg and make a pisco sour.
Cut off the base of the witlof and pull the leaves off. Slice each leaf lengthwise into 1/2 cm strips, put in salad bowl, add hazelnut oil, and toss to mix.
Add egg yolk, mustard, vinegar, and kecap manis to the dashi-bonito paste, and use blender or food processor (preferably) to puree. Still blending / processing, slowly add the peanut oil, very slowly at first, then faster until the mixture thickens (you will be familiar with the generic mayonnaise process and repair procedure if you have made Autumn Saturday Dinner; if not, check that day’s instructions).
Transfer to a bowl and squeeze the half-lemon in. Stir to mix. Refrigerate.
Slice the lobster tail into 1 1/2 cm discs (plus some untidy remnants) and put in a bowl.
Extract the flesh from the mango and the avocado, and chop into 2 cm cubes. Squeeze the remaining half-lemon over the avocado. Add mango and avocado cubes to the salad bowl. Add the somen noodles. Refrigerate.
If you are using a nori sheet rather than green nori sprinkle, chop the nori sheet into thirds, then each third into 1/2 cm strips 1/3 the length of the original sheet. Breakage is acceptable. Lobster salad is (almost) “ready to go.”
Remove cheese from refrigerator.
When guests arrive:
Activate barbecue grill (medium-high). I recommend the gas grill rather than preparing a charcoal fire for such a small task.
When grill is hot, put figs over direct heat. Monitor – they cook quickly.
After 2 minutes (or earlier, if prosciutto shows signs of burning), turn figs over.
After 2 minutes more (or earlier, if prosciutto shows signs of burning), transfer from grill to plate and extinguish grill.
Pour 1/2 a teaspoon of balsamic vinegar over each fig half and serve.
When ready to serve the lobster salad:
Pour over half of the dressing into the salad bowl and mix “gently.” Put surplus dressing on table.
Tip the contents of the salad bowl onto the serving platter. Add the lobster pieces on top. Distribute the nori sheet or “sprinkle” on top of the salad. Sprinkle the tobiko on top. Put the lobster legs and claws on the platter beside the salad. Serve.
When ready, serve cheese and crackers.
Sorbet: put pineapple chunks and coconut milk in the blender or food processor and process until the consistency of sorbet. Coconut milk varies in thickness and sweetness. Add simple syrup in increments of 15 ml (1/2 a shot) to sweeten if necessary.
Do not panic if mixture is too liquid the first time: serve as a virgin colada (or add 75 ml of white rum to each serve and serve as actual piña colada – total 2.5 standard drinks). Review your brand of coconut milk or substitute coconut cream – or continue to serve virgin / piña coladas.
Before going to bed, add any lobster shell to the refuse bag in the freezer.
Insert a piece of gorgonzola cheese in each fig before grilling. Include the remainder of the cheese in the cheese course.
If you delete the seafood components – lobster, tobiko, dried bonito flakes, dried dashi – the salad is an excellent accompaniment to grilled protein of any kind. I recommend pork or chicken.
Barbecued Pork with Watermelon Salad; Chocolates
Recommended drink: if there is grapefruit left over from the previous night’s margaritas, I make a low-alcohol (less than 1/4 standard drink per person) cocktail. Squeeze a pink grapefruit, shake with 30 ml Campari and 1/3 of a shaker of ice, pour into 2 glasses (including the ice), and top with 60 ml soda. For zero alcohol, replace the Campari with Crodino or other nonalcoholic substitute (some include the soda already).
This is the fifth use of the barbecue in five days, though it plays only a minor role on Saturday and Tuesday. Obviously, it is possible to cook with a single barbecue, just as it is possible to own a single pair of pants. However, the arguments for multiple barbecues are as compelling as those presented to me for extra pants: more options for essentially the same task; backup in case of failure of one; adaptability to different weather. I would add “taking advantage of improvements in technology.” And, for the same reasons that many people own vast numbers of pairs of pants or shoes (sometimes selected because “I just saw them and liked them”), I have several barbecues, including charcoal versions and supporting technology.
For this dish, I recommend either a piece of roasting pork or spareribs. An excellent option for the former is a double or triple pork chop, as the bones add mass, so the meat is less likely to be overcooked by the time the skin is ready.
The situation with spareribs is similar to that with risotto (Spring Wednesday), except that “Italian expert” is replaced by “American expert.” Alternatively, you can rely on a butcher who sells pre-marinated ribs. Take their advice on quantity and cooking style, and, as always, revise to reflect experience.
As an alternative to pork, salmon (especially coated in chermoula paste – refer Spring Tuesday) is excellent with the watermelon.
The watermelon salad is adapted from a recipe by Yotam Ottolenghi. If you are unable to purchase a small portion of watermelon, the surplus can be eaten with breakfast1 or as a post-exercise rehydrating snack.
RECIPE-SPECIFIC INGREDIENTS: BARBECUED PORK
Marinated spareribs suitable for barbecuing, as recommended by butcher
or
450 g piece of roasting pork, skin on (ask butcher to score the skin)
COMMON RESOURCES: WATERMELON SALAD
15 marinated, pitted black olives
50 g feta cheese (optionally a marinated product)
1 piece of preserved lemon or zest of 1 lemon
RECIPE-SPECIFIC INGREDIENTS: WATERMELON SALAD
250 g watermelon flesh (i.e. excluding skin)
6 basil leaves
8 mint leaves
Serving plate for watermelon salad
Salad servers
Serving plate for pork
If cooking roasting pork:
Kettle
Meat thermometer
Roasting dish for pork
PROCESS
Time: spareribs – according to expert instructions; roast pork – 75 minutes (with significant unallocated time).
In parallel with pork cooking (below) and at any time in the process, make watermelon salad:
Cut watermelon flesh into 1 cm slices (weigh as you proceed), then 4 cm squares. Spread on plate.
Cut olives in half.
Cut preserved lemon or lemon zest into 20 pieces (very small).
Distribute 1 tablespoon of olive oil, feta (cut into 1 cm cubes or crumble with hands), olive halves, preserved lemon, and leaves (each torn into 4 pieces) over watermelon; put on table.
If using spareribs:
Cook on barbecue according to butcher’s recommendation.
Remove from refrigerator 30 minutes in advance.
Heat barbecue to 230 degrees, lid on, indirect heat.
Rub 1 tablespoon of salt into pork skin.
Put 1/2 a tablespoon of cooking oil in roasting pan.
Put pork in roasting pan, fat side upwards, and put on barbecue, lid on.
Let pork cook for 25 minutes (skin will blister). Insert meat thermometer.
When thermometer registers 58 degrees (it may already have exceeded this), turn off barbecue and remove pork to rest for 15 minutes (temperature should reach 63 degrees), then carve / slice.
Serve pork and salad.
Chocolates.
VARIATION
If you require a green vegetable, I recommend green beans, boiled for 10 minutes, rinsed in cold water, then served alongside the watermelon (or replacing the watermelon) with the same topping.
Parmesan Crisps and Prosciutto; Spaghetti Puttanesca with Green Salad
This meal is not only delicious but could also save your life. It contains a large quantity of salt and I recommend a blood-pressure test for all household members before eating it. If high blood pressure is detected, the physician is likely to be able to prescribe an effective pharmaceutical treatment with (generally) minimal side effects. As well as being able to consume spaghetti puttanesca with relative safety, you will be treating a medical problem which could have had fatal consequences if undetected.
You should also consider a liver-function test before drinking alcohol or continuing to do so. Unfortunately, there is no drug to counteract the short- and long-term negative effects, which may include intoxication and associated antisocial behavior, cancer, and organ failure. I would suggest that the necessary research be crowd-funded. Success would surely represent a major contribution to world health, likely warranting a Nobel Prize.
Until all diners have medical clearance – or if you want some variation from spaghetti puttanesca – I recommend the Major Variant (below). It demonstrates, again, the flexibility of the Standardized Meal System, requiring no change to the shopping list. You can alternate, vote, or randomly select right up to the commencement of cooking.
Parmesan cheese should not be sprinkled on this pasta, because (1) the sauce is oil-based and (2) the sauce contains seafood. Hence the parmesan crisps as an alternative means of including the cheese (note that parmesan is a salty cheese).
COMMON RESOURCES: PARMESAN CRISPS
Grana Padano parmesan cheese (Reggiano will work, but is more expensive)
RECIPE-SPECIFIC INGREDIENTS: PARMESAN CRISPS
Prosciutto remaining from Tuesday (approx. 60 g)
100 g marinated capsicums (from Monday’s barbecue)
COMMON RESOURCES: SPAGHETTI PUTTANESCA
160 g spaghetti
25 g anchovies
4 cloves garlic
1 tbsp capers (if packed in salt, rinse in a sieve – see preceding note regarding blood pressure)
24 black olives (preferably preserved in oil), pitted – or pit them yourself
1 or 2 birds-eye or alternative preferred chilies, fresh or reconstituted (optional)
RECIPE-SPECIFIC INGREDIENTS: SPAGHETTI PUTTANESCA
14 cherry tomatoes
COMMON RESOURCES: GREEN SALAD
1 tbsp wine vinegar
RECIPE-SPECIFIC INGREDIENTS: GREEN SALAD
75 g green salad leaves
Fresh basil
Grater
1 sheet baking paper or silicone baking mat
Pot for pasta
Frying pan
Bowl
Salad bowl
Jar for shaking vinaigrette
Colander or sieve
Plate for serving parmesan crisps and prosciutto
PROCESS: PARMESAN CRISPS
Time: 22 minutes (largely waiting for oven to heat).
Heat oven to 200 degrees (conventional oven).
Grate cheese into thin, short ribbons to produce 6 tablespoons.
Place grated cheese on baking paper / mat on oven tray in 4 equal mounds separated by at least 2 cm (they do not spread as much as might be anticipated).
Cook until they begin to brown (9 minutes).
Remove from oven and allow to cool (3 minutes). Serve. Trivial!
PROCESS: SPAGHETTI PUTTANESCA AND GREEN SALAD
Time: approximately 30 minutes, less as you become better at parallel processing.
Start the grill or barbecue (maximum temperature, lid off) and put the cherry tomatoes under / on it.
Monitor the tomatoes. When they have begun to shrivel and spurt juice (anywhere from 4 to 20 minutes; note for future reference), turn off the barbecue / grill and transfer them to a bowl.
Put leaves in salad bowl. Tear 5 basil leaves from stalks and add to salad bowl.
Put 3 tablespoons of olive oil and the vinegar in jar with 1/4 teaspoon of salt. Put lid on jar (important) and shake vigorously for 15 seconds.
Pour contents of jar on salad and mix with salad serving implements.
Measure 3 tablespoons of olive oil into the frying pan.
Chop the olives into halves, and the chili(es) and garlic into tiny pieces (60 seconds for the garlic, 30 seconds for the chili); add to pan.
Put pan on burner / hotplate at 40% of maximum heat. When the garlic begins to change color (7 minutes1), add anchovies, stir to mix, then add olives, capers, chili, and tomatoes (squashing with the wooden spoon). Lower heat to minimum.
Prepare the spaghetti according to instructions on the packet (add 1 tablespoon of salt when the water boils if not specified).
Five seconds before the spaghetti cooking time is reached, transfer 4 tablespoons of the boiling water to the pan, then drain the spaghetti in the colander or sieve, add to the pan, and stir to mix.
Serve in saucepan (or transfer to heated bowl if diners insist).
MAJOR VARIANT: SPAGHETTI WITH PROSCIUTTO, CAPSICUMS, LEMON, AND OLIVES
Do not serve the capsicums or prosciutto with the parmesan crisps. You will need 3 lemons from Common Resources.
Chop olives in half. Put in first bowl, along with capsicums.
Chop prosciutto into strips of approximately 2 x 1/2 cm. Add to bowl.
Chop 10 basil leaves into 6 pieces each (approximately – the leaves can be chopped as a consolidated mass). Add to bowl.
Grate and squeeze the lemons. Add 80 ml of juice to second bowl. If you have surplus juice, refrigerate for another use (e.g. sour cocktail – refer Autumn Tuesday). If you need more, grate and squeeze additional lemons, and add the zest to the first bowl.
Add 160 ml of olive oil, 1/2 a teaspoon of salt, and 8 twists of the pepper grinder to the juice. Stir rapidly with a fork for 10 seconds.
Cook spaghetti according to packet instructions (add 1 tablespoon of salt when the water boils if not specified).
Drain spaghetti and return to pot over minimum heat.
Add the olive oil and juice. Mix with a fork.
Add the contents of the first bowl and mix.
Serve in saucepan (or transfer to heated bowl).
Restaurant Night or Minestrone
Recommended wine: I do not consider wine or cocktails compatible with soup. This may be another motivator to go to a restaurant and eat something different.
COMMON RESOURCES
Frozen minestrone soup
Parmesan cheese
Pesto
EQUIPMENT
Grater
PROCESS
Time: 15 minutes.
Thaw and reheat minestrone soup.
Serve with pesto and parmesan cheese, which diners can add to their individual bowls.
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1 The Bluefin Tuna Incident is documented in The Rosie Effect.
2 Also documented in The Rosie Effect. The fish was purchased by Rosie, who gave greater weight to enhancing our relationship than to her contribution to the extinction of a species.
1 If the result is unsatisfactory (due to variations in rice and rice cookers), try soaking the rice for 30 minutes, then using only 2/3 cup of water for the cooking process. Or chilling the water first. Or use white rice.
1 I use basmati rice. But you are free to use any or multiple varieties, and to configure the rice cooker accordingly.
1 Periodic reminder: approximate cubes.
1 There is substantial research to indicate that creativity is facilitated by routine physical work, e.g. driving, walking, cooking.
2 If, conversely, you find precision relaxing, you can measure quantities and time precisely.
3 Alternatively, soak approximately 300 g dried white beans overnight, the night before. Add to task list.
1 More vigorous boiling will cause the denatured protein to be incorporated into the stock, which is not harmful but renders it cloudy and aesthetically less appealing. It also wastes energy.
1 The original recipe is for an Australian crayfish – a saltwater crustacean more similar to the Atlantic lobster than the American freshwater crayfish. Seafood naming is notoriously geographically inconsistent and, like much biological naming, based on appearance rather than genetic similarity. Another topic for mealtime discussion.
2 This is a good starting point. You may wish to add less, possibly as little as zero.
1 Some people eat the tomalley but there is a risk of paralytic shellfish poisoning if the lobster has ingested an infected bivalve. Also, many guests are revolted by it, given its texture, color, and function. An interesting topic for conversation.
1 If eating watermelon with breakfast, you could refer to it as “fruit salad.” Cafes and hotels routinely serve “fruit salad” consisting entirely of melon.
1 Reminder: approximate. Do not allow the garlic to turn black (burn). Reduce heat if necessary.