You cannot go wrong if you assume nothing and treat everyone with respect and compassion.
—Lieutenant Colonel Dave Grossman1
Martial arts taught me that we must first learn defense before we can truly learn offense. This timeless principle also applies to waging peace. Waging peace attacks the hatred, greed, deception, apathy, ignorance, and misunderstandings that permeate our society and hold people’s minds hostage. But before we can attack someone’s hatred, we must first learn to defend against it by knowing how to deescalate hostile situations.
Trying to attack hatred by being hateful in return is like trying to put out a fire by throwing gasoline on it. If I have a conflict with someone and kill that person out of hatred, the problem doesn’t necessarily go away. It could even escalate and become worse, because the person’s friends and family may decide to take revenge. This can be seen in countless examples of gang violence, feuds between families, and wars throughout history.
In this book I will describe four lines of defense that can stop violence in its tracks. The first line of defense is the infinite shield, while the second line of defense is the sword that heals, a term coined by Martin Luther King Jr. He said, “Nonviolence is a powerful and just weapon. It is a weapon unique in history, which cuts without wounding and ennobles the man who wields it. It is a sword that heals.”2
What is the difference between the infinite shield and the sword that heals? The infinite shield consists of the respect expressed through our composure, attitude, and behavior. It speaks loudly not only with words, but also through actions, leading by example, and the respectful way we treat others. Sometimes the respect we give to others is all it takes to prevent and deescalate conflict on both a personal and societal level, but sometimes it is not enough. As I mentioned in the previous chapter, the infinite shield is certainly powerful, yet it is not impenetrable and can be breached. When the respect we give to others is not enough to ensure peace and justice, the sword that heals uses strong ideas and persuasive dialogue to transform how people think, along with nonviolent tactics such as protests, boycotts, and other methods to apply political and social pressure. (In the second part of this book, I more thoroughly explore the sword that heals.)
When a conflict escalates to a point where you have to use your sword, the last thing you should do is drop your shield. When King used the sword that heals to nonviolently struggle for a more just and peaceful society, he did not abandon the respect he gave to others. He said:
The nonviolent resister does not seek to humiliate or defeat the opponent but to win his friendship and understanding. This was always a cry that we had to set before people that our aim is not to defeat the white community, not to humiliate the white community, but to win the friendship of all of the persons who had perpetrated this system in the past. The end of violence or the aftermath of violence is bitterness. The aftermath of nonviolence is reconciliation and the creation of a beloved community . . . Then we had to make it clear also that the nonviolent resister seeks to attack the evil system [emphasis added] rather than individuals who happen to be caught up in the system. And this is why I say from time to time that the struggle in the South is not so much the tension between white people and Negro people. The struggle is rather between justice and injustice, between the forces of light and the forces of darkness. And if there is a victory it will not be a victory merely for fifty thousand Negroes. But it will be a victory for justice, a victory for good will, a victory for democracy.3
Because waging peace is such a deep and complex art form, a person could write a very long book about the subject and still only scratch the surface. Therefore a central question I had to ask myself when writing this book was, since there is so much to say about waging peace, how can I best offer a thorough explanation of waging peace, describe the obstacles that prevent us from achieving peace, and refute the myths of war in a relatively short book? To keep this book accessible I decided to write with the following principle in mind: focus on the basic building blocks. The purpose of this book is not to explain every tiny detail about waging peace, which would require thousands of pages, but to instead explain the basic building blocks of waging peace. By doing this I hope to offer you a foundational understanding that you can build on through your own personal study.
So far we have explored the basic building blocks of the infinite shield, but we could easily explore the infinite shield for several hundred more pages because there are so many ways to use it. Just as ancient Greek shields were made primarily of bronze, I have explained how the infinite shield is comprised primarily of respect. But I have not yet described the many ways we can use the infinite shield and the countless situations where it can be effective. Just as the ancient Greeks had to develop their skill at using a bronze shield and learn how to wield it in combat, we must learn how to wield the infinite shield and use it for maximum effectiveness.
One way to wield the infinite shield is in the realm of leadership. An entire book could be written just on how the respect we give to others significantly improves our overall leadership ability, and how different ways of conveying respect can be used to solve numerous leadership challenges. Lieutenant Colonel Dave Grossman offers some insights into how being respectful and professional makes us much better leaders and mentors:
A warrior trainer is a sensei—a professional—who has confidentiality standards like a priest or a doctor. Say a doctor conducts a physical examination where he checks a police officer from top to bottom. Do you think at night over a beer he tells other doctors about the officer and laughs about the poor man’s droopy butt? No, because he is a professional . . .
Friends tease each other. SWAT teams tease each other; it comes with the territory. If you are a leader, however, you are not permitted to play the teasing game. You never joke about your trainees’ failures, but you do brag about their achievements. Your entire repertoire is to talk about what went right . . . When word gets out that this is the type of trainer you are, people will no longer avoid training but will want to be there because of the environment you have created.
The fundamental rule of warrior leadership is to punish in private and praise in public. Report all failures and problems up the chain of command, but report successes to everyone. Maybe you were publicly punished and embarrassed at one time and now you despise the person who did it to you. Perhaps there was a time when a leader called you into his office and told you in private that you did a great job yesterday. While you appreciated the nice comments, you wish he had said them in front of everyone. (It’s only fair, if you had messed up everyone would know!) . . . Do not talk trash about your students. Punish in private, praise in public. This is the way that a warrior-trainer, a sensei, creates a training environment in which the warrior spirit is nurtured and his warriors want to train.”4
When a Greek soldier wielded his bronze shield with the right techniques he could block spears and arrows on the battlefield. When we wield the infinite shield with the right techniques we can block avoidable misunderstandings and unnecessary hostility not only in the workplace, but in our friendships and relationships. One technique I would like to discuss is the way we can wield the infinite shield to calm people down. One of the most important life skills we can have is the ability to calm people down, because if people are not calm they cannot think clearly. Grossman explains:
Have you ever tried to have an argument or a discussion with a truly frightened or angry person? It cannot be done, because the more frightened and angry the person is, the less rational he is. This is because his forebrain has shut down and his midbrain, the one like a dog’s, is in control. In fact, you might as well try to argue with your dog; he might be intrigued by the experience but it will not accomplish much. Nor will you accomplish much when trying to talk to a human being in this heightened condition. To connect with him, you must first calm him down.5
There are three steps for calming people down. The first is to be calm. Martin Luther King Jr. explains: “That Monday I went home with a heavy heart. I was weighted down by a terrible sense of guilt, remembering that on two or three occasions I had allowed myself to become angry and indignant. I had spoken hastily and resentfully. Yet I knew that this was no way to solve a problem. ‘You must not harbor anger,’ I admonished myself. ‘You must be willing to suffer the anger of the opponent, and yet not return anger. You must not become bitter. No matter how emotional your opponents are, you must be calm.’”6
King’s technique of being calm works a lot better than telling someone to calm down. Has anyone ever told you to calm down when you were really upset? It probably made you even more upset, because when people tell us to calm down it often comes across as condescending. Being calm influences others not with words but through our composure, attitude, and behavior. Psychiatrist Bruce Perry tells us, “Because of the mirroring neurobiology of our brains, one of the best ways to help someone else become calm and centered is to calm and center ourselves first—and then just pay attention.”7
If you discuss peace or any controversial issue with people who passionately disagree with you, they might start yelling at you. How can we be calm when people are angry and disrespectful toward us? First, when we increase our respect for the humanity of others we can also increase our empathy for them. Empathizing with people allows us to connect with them on a deeper human level and see the fear, pain, or misunderstanding that is causing their anger. If you want to learn more about empathy, my book Peaceful Revolution has an entire chapter on empathy, its higher expression of unconditional love, and its highest expression of solidarity.
Psychologist Erich Fromm explains how empathy and love allow us to see the humanity beneath people’s anger:
There are many layers of knowledge; the knowledge which is an aspect of love is one which does not stay at the periphery, but penetrates to the core. It is possible only when I can transcend the concern for myself and see the other person in his own terms. I may know, for instance, that a person is angry, even if he does not show it overtly; but I may know him more deeply than that; then I know that he is anxious, and worried; that he feels lonely, that he feels guilty. Then I know that his anger is only the manifestation of something deeper, and I see him as anxious and embarrassed, that is, as the suffering person, rather than as the angry one.8
Remaining calm when others yell at us does not mean we allow them to walk all over us and treat us like dirt, because when we have self-respect we are willing to stand up for ourselves. Gandhi and King had a great deal of self-respect and certainly stood up for themselves against those who tried to oppress and exploit them. But they realized being calm allows us to stand up for ourselves more effectively, because when we become hostile and disrespectful in return we lose our moral authority along with our reason and compassion.
Frederick Douglass saw many women’s rights activists strengthen their moral authority by conducting themselves with calm dignity. He witnessed how a calm yet firm demeanor is very effective when confronting injustice, because when we come across as hysterical and irrational it is too easy for the opponents of justice to call us crazy and not take us seriously. When we are calm, composed, and rational we are not as easily dismissed. Speaking about the extraordinary ability of Antoinette Louise Brown, he said, “The calmness, serenity, earnestness, ability and dignity with which Miss Brown advocates this right, compels the serious and respectful attention of all whom she addresses on the subject.”9
When discussing the controversial issue of peace activism in particular, another way to remain calm when someone becomes angry and disrespectful toward you is by imagining you are talking to me. This will help remind you that human beings have the potential to change. When I was eighteen years old I was a firm believer in the war system. If you had talked to me about peace activism back then I might have also become angry and disrespectful toward you. During the years that followed I saw through the myths of war, deepening my commitment to waging peace. This does not mean everyone hostile to peace activists will have a transformation in their way of thinking. But it does mean we should never dismiss someone as hopelessly ignorant or beyond the potential to change.
The second step for calming people down is to listen and be respectful. As I explained earlier, in all of human history I don’t think anyone has ever seriously said, “I hate it when people listen to me! I hate it when people respect me!” So much human hostility arises from people simply not feeling listened to or respected. When we genuinely listen to and respect others, it can have a profound calming effect.
The third step for calming people down is to show care and concern. This is an important yet often neglected aspect of calming people down, because if you are upset with me because I borrowed and wrecked your car, and I respond to your anger by simply being calm, you might mistake my calmness for indifference. When people are calm yet do not show care and concern, they can come across as cold and uncaring.
Figure 4.1 How to Calm People Down
To better explain this, when I first moved to Santa Barbara I had a problem with my apartment that made me pretty angry. When I spoke with the apartment manager about it, she became outraged on my behalf and seemed more upset than I was. She said, “What happened to you is completely unacceptable, and I will fix this!” This immediately calmed me down. I had walked into her office with my temper boiling, and hearing how upset she was over my problem actually made me want to console her, causing me to say, “Well, maybe it’s not so bad. These things happen sometimes and I understand.”
Moral outrage on behalf of someone else’s dilemma is a powerful expression of care and concern. In Peaceful Revolution and The End of War I refer to moral outrage as moral fury. When people tell us about a truly unjust problem they are having, the moral fury within us can erupt like a burning flame. A flame is calm, but also intense. It is soothing, but also fierce. The flame of moral fury can be calm and soothing to those treated unjustly, while intensely and fiercely opposing the forces of injustice.
Another important way to show care and concern is to say it with sincerity. People are not mind readers. If we accidentally insult someone and did not mean to, we should say it with sincerity: “I didn’t mean to offend you. I apologize if you felt disrespected in any way.” As I said earlier, martial arts taught me that no technique works every single time, but by being calm, listening and being respectful, and showing care and concern, we will have the best chance of calming people down.
The power of calm is an invaluable tool that can improve our personal lives, communities, and capacity to wage peace. Gandhi, King, martial arts philosophy, West Point, and the U.S. Army all agree that the ability to remain calm is one of the most crucial life skills a human being can have, because it allows our brain to function at its optimal level. Military and martial arts training taught me that the more turbulent a situation becomes, the more important it is to be calm. Grossman explains, “As a warrior, your concern is always to help others, and to do that you must be the rock of calm. When the whole world is coming unglued and all about you are losing their heads and blaming it on you, your job is to be that rock that others can anchor themselves to . . . Panic can be contagious, and so is calm. As a warrior, you must be an example of calm.”10