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I WASN’T SURE IF THESE girls were actual twins, or if they just looked a lot alike and played it up. I mean, they barely spoke English, but who cared? One of them sat on my knee and the other on the arm of my chair. A pair of beauties. Both of them blonde and leggy with huge tits. Red lips with dimples, and ‘fuck me’ attitudes. One in jeans, the other in a skin-tight dress. They’d walked into the backstage room and settled on top of me like they owned me. Of course, no woman owned me, but they sure could rent me for the next few hours.
My night was made. We’d played a brilliant show here in Amsterdam. The band had been on fire, burning up that stage. Things had been going from good to better to out of this world. Our music was selling in numbers I couldn’t even comprehend. We’d had to put on a few extra nights here because tickets had sold out so fast. Every magazine wanted us on the cover. We got offered opportunities I’d never imagined. And now, twins.
Even Damo had settled the fuck down now that he’d paired up with Polly. Instead of being the insane control freak he’d been, he actually relaxed occasionally, and that had made his playing better. When he played better, the rest of us played better too.
I couldn’t imagine life being any better.
“Drink?” one of the twins asked.
“Yeah, why not?” I grinned at her. Okay, life could be slightly better with a cold beer in my hand.
While she was gone, the other twin grabbed my face and kissed me. A little too much tongue and a bit sloppy but, hey, I wasn’t complaining. I loved this life. I could see it stretching out in front of me forever. Playing awesome shows, screwing awesome chicks, drinking and fooling around. Who could ask for more?
The other twin came back with beers.
“Cheers,” I said, raising my can.
“Cheers,” they replied in unison.
Across the room, Polly’s cousin Fay chatted with Crow. Man, she was a little firecracker. Too young for my taste. I wasn’t into the barely legal stuff, and anyway, she only had eyes for Crow. The two of them tried to pair off every chance they got. Polly wasn’t having any of that, though. She hated the two of them together, and I didn’t blame her. Crow wasn’t the man I’d pick for any of my relatives, either. We’d been in the band together for five years, and I still only knew him on a surface level. We’d play together and go out drinking. He never picked up chicks, he never got too drunk. He was a quiet one. And they’re the ones you have to watch, not fun guys like me. All of me is on the surface. What you see is what you get. I might be a player, and I might be a jerk sometimes, but I’m always upfront.
The other twin kissed me. She was a slightly better kisser than the first one, and as she leaned across, she rubbed her tits against my chest. They were some A-grade mammaries. I wasn’t sure if they were real or not, but who cared? They were huge and pressing against me.
The twin sitting on my knee got antsy and pushed her away. They glared at each other.
“Hey, girls, no fighting. There’s enough Elijah to go around.”
“And he sure does go around,” Damo said, walking over to us.
The girls just laughed.
“Hey, I live life to the fullest. Is that a crime?” I said, then took a swig of my beer. “Maybe you’d be better off kissing your woman so she’ll leave Crow and Fay alone.”
Damo rolled his eyes. “I’m not getting in the middle of that.”
One of the twins jumped up and threw her arms around Damo. “You’re cute too,” she said, rubbing her body against his.
Damo unwound her arms from his neck. “Stick to Elijah,” he said. “I’m taken.” He nodded to Polly, sitting over in the corner.
“But she’s not looking,” the twin said.
Damo gave her a look of disgust that she ignored, and he walked off, leaving me with a sulky twin.
“She’s not even pretty,” the twin said. “I’m much prettier, right?”
I agreed because I’d be a damn fool not to, but I hated that kind of petty jealousy. Damo was with Polly, and no way would he fool around on her. I respected that. And, to be honest, Polly was a damn hot chick. Not just hot, but awesome on the bass, and she never got all nasty about other chicks.
But who cared? These girls would be gone before daybreak, and I wasn’t interested in their personalities.
“He’s no fun,” the rejected twin said, flopping down beside me.
“Yep. That’s what they call him. No Fun Damo. But me, I’m all fun.”
With that, I settled my hand between the legs of the one on my knee. I really should ask these girls their names, I thought, but I’d just forget five minutes later and have the embarrassment of asking again. My hand really liked being in that warm crevice, but I should’ve tried it on the one in the dress. Much easier access.
I could get away with a lot backstage, but if I started unzipping jeans, I’d have Damo on my case. Even worse, Polly and Fay would kick my ass to the curb. Chicks on tour were a fine thing until you wanted to get up to some backstage shenanigans. Then it was all about keeping things decent.
I guessed that would just help build the tension until we got back to our hotel room. Nothing wrong with a bit of teasing before the main event, and the main event would be spectacular. I’d always wanted to try it with twins, and whether they were true twins or not, it’d still be fun.
And, oh hell, the two of them kissed each other. The one in jeans edged my hand up so it rubbed against her mound, and I had a tittyfest going on right in front of my face. Sweet. I’d become the filling in a boob sandwich. Another life dream to tick off the list.
I leaned back and watched the show. Was there a man in the world who didn’t want to be me right now?
I ran my free hand up the back of the twin in the dress. That dress would look amazing pooled on my hotel room floor. The two of them naked, both writhing in pleasure in my bed—that was what tonight promised.
“I think you need to take this show somewhere else.” Fay’s voice broke through my enjoyment.
“Come on, Firecracker. Give me a break.”
Fay hated it when I called her Firecracker, but the name had stuck, and I meant it in the nicest possible way. She was fast becoming like the little sister I’d never had. Sometimes, the little sister I wished I’d never had.
“Who is she?” the one in the dress asked.
I didn’t like her tone, to be honest. She spoke as though she had more right to be backstage than Fay did. If she wasn’t careful, Fay would set her straight about that.
“She’s on the tour with us,” I said. “In the opening band.”
The twins both gave her a look that was meant to wither her. They didn’t know Fay that well if they thought that would work. Nothing withered Fay.
“Look, Lij, go back to the hotel if you wanna get down and dirty. Oh, and keep the noise down tonight.”
If anyone else called me Lij, I’d kill them, but Fay got away with it. Her suggestion of going back to the hotel worked for me. After all, they were twins. They’d take twice as long, if I knew anything about math.
I pushed the twins off me. “Just a moment, girls. We’ll go somewhere more private.”
I looked around for Fartstard, the tour manager. He was the one organizing the van back to the hotel. I needed to make sure he’d have that van ready to take us as soon as possible.
As I scanned the room, I saw her.
Her? No way. Not possible.
I had to be hallucinating. It was pretty fucking trippy to think my high school English teacher would appear backstage at a show in Amsterdam.
Miss Jones. Hell, I’d rubbed myself raw way too many times, thinking about that woman. Most of my high school life had been spent thinking of the ways I could get her panties off. I never had, of course. But, hell, thinking about it had filled many pleasant hours.
It couldn’t be her. Not here. Amsterdam must be getting to me.
I looked again.
One of the twins slapped my arm, but I ignored it. Then the woman looked my way. She gave me a sweeping glance, taking in the twins. Then she smiled with a tinge of regret and left the room.
It was her. I’d never forget those eyes.
I pushed the twins to one side and raced after her. There was no way I’d let her get away from me. Not when all my high school dreams might come true.
MISS JONES STRODE DOWN the hallway to the exit.
“Wait up,” I called.
She turned. “Elijah. I thought you were busy.”
I’d forgotten that husky, sensual quality to her voice.
Damn it. I blushed. I actually blushed. I’d never dreamed that I’d be capable of blushing nowadays, but that look she gave me made me redden to the tips of my hair. Heat flooded my body as though she’d hit me with a laser, all from the strength of her gaze. Ten years later, and I was still way out of my league with her.
“Miss Jones.”
She rolled her eyes. “You can call me Rose now, you know. You’re not in high school any longer.”
“Rose.” The name sounded awkward on my tongue. In my schoolboy fantasies, I’d always called her by her first name, but I’d never once, in real life, said it out loud.
“It’s fine. I don’t want to bother you. You can go back to your friends.”
She looked like she hadn’t aged a day in the last ten years. If anything, she looked better now. Those cheekbones and the long, shiny hair. The eyes that always seemed to flicker with amusement, like she knew exactly what I was thinking and she didn’t exactly mind my dirty thoughts. The bottom lip that was just a little too full. A mouth that looked like it knew exactly how to kiss.
God, I’d wanted Miss Jones, Rose, to be my first. I’d always imagined that she’d be able to teach me things that no other woman could. Of course, that had only been a dream.
“No,” I said. “We need to catch up. They aren’t my friends, just some girls who came backstage. Come on, let’s talk.”
Then I realized I couldn’t exactly take her to that backstage room. Not with those feisty twins back there. If they thought they were being ditched, they’d turn nasty real fast. After the way they’d reacted to Polly and Fay, I couldn’t subject Rose to their bitchiness. Who knew what they’d do? Scratch her eyes out?
I couldn’t ask her back to my hotel room, either. As much as I’d like to, that’d be a bit too much, too soon. I needed neutral ground.
My entire life so far, I’d been the one calling the shots. I had the smooth moves and women wanting me to make them. Within five minutes, I’d have their panties off and them writing in pleasure, moaning my name.
Rose wasn’t like that. She had me in a quivering mess. My palms sweated and I wasn’t sure of my words. I shot her a big grin, though. We’d think of something. Was there a bar at the hotel? There had to be, surely, but I hadn’t checked.
“There’s a nice little wine bar nearby,” she said. “We could go there. Catch up on old times. If you’re sure you don’t mind.”
That smile showed she knew exactly how much I didn’t mind. The confidence she radiated was even sexier than her bottom lip. There was no way I’d say no to her.
“I’ll grab my stuff. Give me a minute.”
I ran back along the hallway, worried she’d change her mind. Wow, Miss Jones. Every one of my schoolboy dreams would come true tonight. Well, maybe not all of them. There were a few fantasies I’d be happy to leave behind me.
I grabbed my jacket and checked that my phone and wallet were still in the pockets. Yep. Hotel room key, too. That was all I needed.
“Wait up.” One of the twins grabbed me. “Where are you going?”
This could be trouble. Those twins were hot and all, but they were no Miss Jones. Rose. They were no Rose. Still, with what I’d seen of them so far, they could be damn tenacious. I didn’t want to get held up with them, and I sure didn’t want a scene.
“Just some business to attend to, honey,” I said, running my finger along her cheek. “I need to sort a few things out.”
She pouted. Cute, but not nearly cute enough to tempt me. I only had one thing on my mind now.
“Hurry back,” she said. That pout wasn’t nearly as endearing as she thought.
The other twin came over to join her, more beers in her hand. I swiped one off her and hightailed it out of there. On the way out, I almost knocked into Fartstard coming in the door.
“Hey, dude,” I said. “Do me a favor.”
“Sure, what?”
“See the blond twins over there?” I nodded in their direction. “Can you look after them for me? Something’s come up, and I need to make a clean getaway.”
Fartstard’s eyes opened so wide, I thought they’d tumble out of his eye sockets onto the grubby floor. He even made a weird little groaning noise. I could’ve happily lived my entire life without hearing that noise.
“You want me to look after them?”
“That’s what I said, buddy.” I slapped him on the arm.
He really did look like he’d just hit the jackpot on the slots. Pay dirt time.
“Err... okay. No problem.”
As I walked off, I did feel like a bit of a prick. Giving them Fartstard instead of me wasn’t even like giving them the booby prize. It was far worse. I was prime meat, and Fartstard was a low-grade hamburger, with an intense personal odor issue thrown in. But he’d definitely talk their ears off. Meanwhile, I could escape with Rose.
She leaned against the wall near the exit, one of those expensive designer handbags hooked over her arm. Everything about her said class and money, not something you often see in high school teachers. Maybe she’d moved on to better-paying territory. She’d been hot when she was teaching, but not in that expensive way. But then, ten years ago, she’d have been younger than I was now. Weird to think that. She had a sophisticated elegance that looked out of place in this dingy backstage corridor.
“Ready?” she asked.
Hell yeah. I was born ready. Tonight was the night I’d been preparing for since I walked into English class ten years ago.
THE WINE BAR SHE TOOK me to was nothing like the bars I normally went to. Rose had expensive tastes; that was clear. But I didn’t mind. I had the money to spare, and it was time I broadened my horizons, got a bit of class.
The walls were covered in some fancy wallpaper, and my feet sank into the lush carpet. The place had a kind of hush that made me too scared to even think about talking. The waiters wore better suits than I’d ever owned. Even the hotels we’d been staying at on this tour, which were at a whole other level from any of our previous tours, didn’t have this kind of rich-people feel.
I prided myself on being a simple man with simple tastes, but maybe that was just because I had no idea of the alternative.
Rose handed me a wine list. It meant nothing to me. Wine was wine. All those names just confused me.
“You choose,” I said, handing it back to her.
That was a much safer option. Otherwise, I’d just point to something random on the list, and that random something could end up being totally embarrassing.
She waved the waiter over and asked for a wine I’d never heard of.
He came back with the bottle and went through the whole thing of showing the bottle before he opened it, then fussing around. I tried to look like I knew what I was doing, but it seemed like a whole lot of palaver.
When I tasted it, though, it was a damn fine drop. Hell, why didn’t I treat myself like this more often, instead of sticking to cheap beers? Beer was fine in its place, but I was well on my way to being a millionaire. I needed millionaire style.
“Like it?” she asked.
“Hell yeah. I’ll get you to write down the name for me.”
She smiled and swirled the wine in her glass. “So, Elijah, it looks like you’ve been doing well for yourself since you left school.”
But with her smiling at me and running her finger around the edge of that wine glass, I could barely remember what I’d done since high school. I gulped. There was something about the way she traced her finger along that edge that shot straight to my cock. I’d need to watch out, or I’d shoot my load before we even got back to the hotel. I was regressing back to my high school days, when what I needed was to impress her with how mature I was now.
“The band’s been doing well,” I said.
“I was at the show tonight. You were amazing.”
Yes! She thought I was amazing. I wanted to punch the air, but I held myself back. If I’d known she was in the audience, I’d have been doubly amazing.
“We’re here for a week. Thank God. It’s been one night everywhere, two nights at most, since we left Berlin two weeks ago. Half the time, I haven’t known what city we’re in. I thought this European tour would be all sightseeing and fun, with a bit of work thrown in. Not so. Most days, it’s a rush to leave the hotel, sleeping on the tour bus, then sound check and a few hours’ rest before we play. Not that I’m complaining. It’s a sweet life, but seven days is magic. We even get a day off thrown in. So, what brings you to Amsterdam?”
She smiled. That smile held traces of magic.
“I’m taking a break, working on some writing. I figured it would be just as easy to do that here as back home. I heard you were playing, then talked my way backstage. I wasn’t sure if you’d remember me or not.”
She held eye contact with me just a moment longer than was comfortable. She wanted this just as much I did. There was no doubt of that. Anticipation buzzed through my body.
“Of course I remember you.”
The smile spread slowly across her face. I smiled back. If I could, I’d rip her clothes off and fuck her right here in this snotty wine bar, not caring who saw us. God, everything about her radiated sex, but without being blatant. She didn’t show an excess of flesh, and that blouse she wore was buttoned so high, I couldn’t glimpse her cleavage, but she didn’t need to flash it about. Her skirt was also tight without being too tight. All it showed was a gorgeous curve of her calf, clad in some silk stockings. The subtlety really hit me after a steady diet of groupies revealing as much flesh as possible.
“You were one of my more interesting students,” she said. “I always thought you’d either end up famous or in jail.”
I laughed at that. I hadn’t been one for studying, that was for sure. I’d never had much interest in school, apart from Miss Jones. I’d never skipped one of her classes.
I picked up my glass and raised it to her. “Well, here’s to me not ending up in jail, although that option hasn’t been ruled out.”
She laughed a quiet, tinkling laugh.
I wanted to ask more about what she’d been doing. Again, the thought struck me that she’d been doing something more lucrative than teaching, but I wasn’t sure how to raise that without sounding incredibly rude. Still, I knew teachers didn’t usually get paid enough to afford designer handbags and all the other trappings. It was none of my business, anyway. Maybe she’d gotten a generous divorce settlement or something. But she sure as hell got my pulse thudding and my mind racing with possibilities.
It’d been a long time since I’d felt this unsure with a woman. She wanted me; I wasn’t so insecure that I couldn’t tell that. But one false move, and I’d screw this up. I’d almost forgotten how to work for it. With Rose, I’d have to work damn hard.
That secret smile, like she knew what I was thinking, threw me every time.
She asked me more about the band, and I found myself talking until the bottle of wine was finished. Whenever I asked her about herself, she evaded the question so cleverly that I’d be off on some story before I realized.
“Should we order another bottle?” I asked, praying she’d say no.
“What do you want to do, Elijah?”
The way she said my name hit me like a slug to the chest.
“I have wine in my hotel room,” I said.
She smiled again, and my insides almost exploded. This was really going to happen.
“WAIT HERE,” I SAID when we got back to my hotel.
I felt like a dick leaving her waiting in the doorway, but I had to do a quick rush around, throwing my dirty clothes into the wardrobe and getting rid of anything I didn’t want her to see. How the hell had I made such a mess of my room in such a short time? It wasn’t like I even had that much stuff. It just seemed to spread itself around.
If I had a fancy suite like Damo, I’d look far classier. Not that my room was low-rent by any means. As well as the king-sized bed, I had a sitting area. But it was just a room, not a suite.
Why did Damo get the perks, anyway? Just because he was a special snowflake who couldn’t handle noise or disturbances.
I thought I was done, then noticed a pair of jocks sitting on the back of one of the armchairs. I grabbed them and shoved them into my back pocket. Then I looked around for any other embarrassing things. Since we’d only just arrived, there was no chance of her finding a stray bra or pair of panties around the room. I was never sure how a girl could leave the hotel without realizing that her underwear was missing, but maybe they wanted to leave it behind as a souvenir. I’d prefer they didn’t. I wasn’t a pantie sniffer.
“Come in,” I said.
“You’re hidden all your porn?” She walked into the room and looked around.
“Yep. Wait, no. I had no porn. There was no porn.” Shit, I blushed again. I inhaled. “No one has porn nowadays. Not sitting around. It’s all on the laptop.”
She laughed.
“Care for another drink?”
There was some fancy-looking wine in the bar fridge. Damo always said not to drink from the mini-bar because it’d cost a fortune, but screw that. I’d pay for it. Anything Rose wanted, she could have. Pretty much anything.
She sat down in one of the armchairs. “Nice room,” she said.
“Yeah, it’s not bad.”
I wasn’t sure how to approach this. Normally, it’d be straight onto the bed, all rumpy-pumpy time from the moment I walked in the door. None of this sitting around chatting. But it wasn’t like I could plonk myself down on her knee, and if I sat in the armchair opposite her, that would put way too much distance between us. Why didn’t this damn room have a sofa? A sofa would make life so much easier.
I opened the bar fridge and pulled out a bottle of wine. She didn’t object, so I opened it, then hunted for glasses. They weren’t in any of the obvious places.
“I might have to call down for glasses,” I said. “You’d think they’d be in this cupboard, here, next to the fridge.”
She got up and opened one of the other cupboards, then took out two wine glasses. She seemed to know exactly where they’d be. I guessed she was used to fancy hotels. She set the glasses down in front of me.
“I hope this is okay,” I said. “Not much choice here.”
“It’ll be fine,” she said, not moving from my side.
I opened the bottle of wine with no problem, but my hand shook a little as I poured. I handed the glass to her.
“I’m not that used to drinking wine, but I figure this should be good. Maybe I should learn, huh? I can’t drink cheap beer all my life.”
“Do you want to, Elijah?” She gave me that smile. “If you enjoy it, drink it. But really, it doesn’t matter. If you want a $500 bottle of wine, have the wine. If you want a cheap beer, have the beer. Just make sure you’re making the choice you want.”
I knew what I wanted right now, and it wasn’t beer or wine. But she was right. I never thought much about what I wanted, beyond my basic needs. I just took what was on hand.
I hadn’t even chosen to become a rock star. Well, I had in that way that if you asked any guy if he wanted to be a rock star or not, he’d pick rock star. But I didn’t have drive like Damo. If it’d been up to me, we’d still be playing friends’ parties and small bars.
I took a sip of the wine. It really was much nicer than my usual beer, although I hoped it didn’t cost $500 a bottle.
“Let’s go out on the balcony and drink this,” she said.
There was a balcony? I hadn’t even noticed. The curtains had been closed when I checked in, and I hadn’t bothered opening them.
“Sounds good to me.” It had to be better than trying to negotiate that armchair. Night air and city lights: that’d set the scene, all romantic.
We went out on the balcony, and Rose leaned on the rail.
I stood beside her, my arm touching hers, but I still wasn’t sure if I should make a move or not. She did nothing to encourage me, but she didn’t exactly discourage me, either. I mean, she’d come back to my hotel room. Wasn’t that a sign she wanted things to progress further than this? I had to do something before this got awkward.
God, if Damo and Crow saw me now, they’d piss themselves laughing. I looked like a complete doofus.
“Look, is that a shooting star?” I asked her, putting my hand on the small of her back to point her in the right direction.
It was a cheesy move, but at least I’d made a move. She didn’t laugh or move away, so that was something. I liked the feel of her warm skin under the thin fabric of her blouse. I really liked the feeling of her hip against mine.
“I can’t see it,” she said.
“You weren’t quick enough,” I said.
I gave her a grin, but that grin soon disappeared when she brought her face closer to mine. She might be older than me, and I might be nervous as hell, but no way was she taking full control of this night. I set my wine glass down and took hers from her hand. Then I rubbed my hand down her arm. The skin there was cooler. I guessed the night air had hit her.
This was it. This was the moment. I almost wished I had a time machine so I could go back to my sixteen-year-old self and tell him. I could just see us high-fiving over it. It might’ve taken ten years for me to get there, but, finally, I’d know the delights that were Miss Jones.
The way she looked at me—God, that was better than any of my fantasies had ever been. There was pure lust in her eyes now.
She reached out and stroked my cheek. “Elijah, you’ve grown up well,” she said. There was a touch of mockery in her voice, but I wasn’t sure if she was mocking me or herself.
The look between us intensified, neither of us moving closer, like we were playing a game of chicken. I put my hand up to cup her head. Her perfume had been toying around the edge of my senses all night, but this close, I got the full impact of that scent, all heady and musky. That perfume enveloped me, drawing me in.
“Do you know how long I’ve waited for this?” I said.
“Since that first day you walked into my English class? You didn’t hide it well.”
I hoped she meant my attraction to her and not the woody in my pants. That woody had returned in force. I drew her closer to me and brushed my lips against hers. I wasn’t usually one for gentle kisses; normally, I’d be buried balls-deep by now, but I wanted to savor this. I wanted every moment recorded in my brain to play back at will. Was there ever a more perfect woman? I sure as hell hadn’t met one.
She moaned lightly as I moved my lips to her neck just below her ear. When I brought my lips back to hers, the kiss was no gentle brushing. We devoured each other, all pent-up desire and grinding need.
This moment, with the night breeze against my skin and her lips on mine and her fingers in my hair—that was the moment I’d remember forever. I wasn’t a romantic guy. Normally, I figured romance was just something that delayed the vital moment, a lot of fussing around for nothing, but this moment made my heart sing a song it’d never sung before.
Then someone knocked on my door. Screw them. I’d ignore them. I didn’t take my eyes from Rose. I didn’t want to break this moment.
The knocking turned into a thudding, almost breaking that solid door down.
“Elijah! Elijah!”
Hell, it was Fartstard. I’d kill him. I’d skin him alive and boil his bones.
“WHAT THE HELL DO YOU want?” I asked as I opened the door.
He’d better tell me the hotel was on fire or something equally drastic to excuse this interruption. But he just stood there, looking a little crazed. I couldn’t actually kill him, not while Rose could see, but once there were no witnesses, it’d definitely be on my to-do list.
“Do you have any condoms?” he asked.
“Huh?”
I understood the question; I just had trouble putting it together with Fartstard. Then I noticed he was wearing a hotel robe, and it wasn’t exactly closed up tight. He had his chest exposed, with a thick thatch of hair edging almost up to his throat. I would not let my gaze go any lower, just to be on the safe side. God knew what else hung out of that robe.
“Condoms? Those twins... you know...” he stuttered.
Then he winked at me. That wink was probably one of the most horrifying things I’d ever seen in this world.
“The twins? I just asked you to distract them for ten minutes.”
He grinned. That grin was almost as terrifying as his wink. It was a grin filled with all the lust-fueled dreams of Fartstard, and probably some weird kinky shit thrown in.
“Yeah, well, one thing led to another. And, hey, you’d cast them off. You have no claim on them.” Then he looked up and noticed Rose in the room behind me. “Shit, sorry. I didn’t mean to cock-block.” He pulled the robe tighter around himself.
“Hang on a minute,” I said. I rushed to my dresser drawer and grabbed a couple of condoms, then thrust them into his hand.
“Hey, that’s not nearly enough,” he said.
“You want more? Find a convenience store. Now, scram.”
I shut the door in his face. Damn Fartstard. Nothing killed a mood faster than that. The thought of him having sex in such close proximity almost ruined the night for me.
Almost. When I got closer to Rose, all thoughts of Fartstard disappeared.
“Your friend seemed in an awful hurry.”
“He’s not my friend,” I said. “He’s the tour manager. Bit of a dick. really.”
I’d still kill him. Later. The taste of her lingered on my tongue and I hungered for more than that. I pulled her to me.
“Now, where were we before he interrupted?” I said.
If she answered, her words were smothered by my kiss, a kiss that made my head swim. When I finally broke away, I took her hand and led her to the bed. I sat down, but she remained standing.
I looked up at her questioningly.
She smiled and reached back to undo her zipper. That tight skirt fell to the floor. Holy God. She wore stockings and suspenders underneath, lingerie that made my cock throb with a need like I’d never known before, and I’d known some urgent needs in my time.
With the skirt removed, she stepped closer to me. Again, that scent enveloped me. There was nothing else in this world but Miss Jones and me.
I ran my hands up the sides of her thighs. Those stockings were fine silk, soft under my hands, but nowhere near as soft as the naked flesh above their tops. I moved to kiss her stomach, but before I could, she stepped away. This time she reached up and removed her blouse.
I leaned back, wanting to take in the view of her beautiful body, clad in black lace. The hard nubs of her nipples pressed against the delicate lace of her bra. Hell, I’d rip that lace off with my teeth if it got me closer to those nubs.
She reached over and put her hands on my shoulders, her hair brushing against my skin.
Even though I wanted to savor this, she moved way too slow for my liking. Definitely way too slow for my cock’s liking. I ran my hands up her thighs again, this time not stopping until I cupped the curves of her butt. I pulled her to me, kissing her stomach, then licking my way down to her delicate lacy panties.
As I licked, she arched her back, moaning with pleasure. God, her face. I moved my hand around, this time running my fingertips over the smooth silk covering her sweet pussy. She shuddered, then lowered herself to my lap, legs spread wide to straddle me. The perfect position to give me access to every bit of her I needed to touch. I pushed her panties down and pressed my fingers to her smoothly waxed mound, keeping my hand on her back to balance her.
As I slipped my fingers inside her, her nails dug into my shoulders. I knew I’d found her sweet spot by the sigh she gave and the way her body seemed to melt.
“Do you want me to make you come?” I whispered in her ear.
“Yes... please.” That “please” came out all breathy and full of need.
I moved my fingers away. “Tell me again,” I said.
“Please,” she gasped.
Having her plead like that spurred me on. No matter what kind of pedestal I’d put her on, she was mine now, all breathless and needing me. Her nails dug deeper, her body tensed.
I wrapped my lips around that hard nipple. I sucked through that expensive lace just to hear her moan as I worked her body. Her hands moved up, twisting in my hair, drawing my mouth tighter to hers. I went from sucking to gentle nips, still working her with my fingers as she thrust her body against mine. As her moans became louder, I bit harder. And the harder I bit, the more she loved it. Her gentle bouncing turned into a frenzied force. She lost all control, almost ripping the hair from my head. And I loved every minute of it.
She came so hard, she almost dislocated my fingers, and I threw her back on the bed, watching her face, watching every flicker of emotion. I’d done this. I’d made her this quaking mess. Now I relished the result.
Before the night was over, I’d fucked Miss Jones on the bed. I’d fucked her on the floor. I’d leaned her over the bathroom sink and fucked her from behind, watching myself fuck her and watching her face as she was fucked, in the bathroom mirror.
And when I thought I could fuck no more, she wrapped that gorgeous mouth around my cock and sucked it hard again. She drained very last bit of juice from me until I had to sleep so I could get the strength to fuck her again. This would be no one-night stand. The only time I intended to leave this bed while we were in Amsterdam was to get onstage. I couldn’t really avoid that.
I feel asleep happy, knowing I’d wake up with her in my arms.
A noise woke me sometime during the night. Rose stood in the middle of the room, dressing.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“I have to get home,” she said.
“Huh?” I propped myself up on one elbow. “No. Come back to bed.”
She shook her head and laughed. “Sorry. But I really do have to get going.”
I jumped up and put my arms around her. She had to be joking. She couldn’t leave. Not now. We had a world of unfinished business.
But she pushed me away. She really did intend to leave. Maybe she had to work. Maybe she had a cat to feed or something like that.
“But you’ll come back tonight? If you want to come to the show first, I’ll make sure you have tickets. Or we could just meet up after.”
She buttoned up her blouse, then patted my cheek. “It was a one-night stand, sweetie. I’m sure you know what that means.”
I stared open-mouthed as she walked out the door, shocked that she could still walk. My legs sure were wonky. But even more shocked that she would walk away from me after all we’d done.
I stood like that for a long time, convinced it was a joke and she’d be back. But she never returned.
“SHE LEFT.”
“I know,” said Damo. “You’ve told me at least twenty times this morning. Pass me the sugar.”
I shouldn’t have poured my heart out, but I really had trouble making sense of this. She’d left. She said she wasn’t coming back. That was not something I could easily process. When I joined the others at breakfast, before I’d even considered the sense of it, I’d blurted out the whole sad story to everyone. The entire table. That meant Damo and Crow, plus the whole Wreckage group. Some of the crew even joined us, including Fartstard.
“Fartstard, you should know about dealing with this. You’d be an expert at rejection. What do you do?”
“Hey, buddy, I had twins last night. And it was sweet. They didn’t leave me in the middle of the night. They just left now. You’re lucky they let me get away to have coffee with y’all.”
Ha, if Damo thought he’d heard about Rose leaving me too many times, wait until Fartstard started on about his twins. He’d be telling that story for the rest of his life.
“Obviously, the sex wasn’t good enough,” Fay said. “If you’d really satisfied her, she’d have stayed.”
“Fay!” Polly could be so uptight about her cousin.
“Nope, that wasn’t it,” I replied. “The sex was top-drawer, A-grade, premium. Pretty much perfect.”
“Says you. Maybe you were selfish. Dudes are like that. All about their own needs.”
Anyone but Fay would’ve been sizzled by the look Polly shot her. I probably shouldn’t have brought this up in front of the kid. She didn’t need to know even the minimum details of my sex life.
“Listen, Firecracker,” I said, pointing my fork at her. “I don’t know how much you know about sex stuff other than what you’ve read in magazines, but I know how to make a lady happy. Trust me on that.”
She wrinkled her nose at me. “I know plenty. Wait...” She shot a glance at Polly, and her face reddened. “I know plenty from magazines, I mean. They’re real informative.”
Crow sat quietly, watching the interaction between us. I couldn’t read his expression. I wondered if the ‘plenty’ Fay knew had been taught by Crow, although they didn’t seem to have reached that stage in their relationship. For one, Fay wouldn’t be able to hide it, and two, Polly would’ve killed her.
“You’ll get over it,” Polly said. “You’re the one who says you don’t want to be tied down. You want to experience all of life’s pleasures.”
I took a bite of my bacon. It wasn’t the best bacon I’d ever had. I liked my bacon way crispier. “I did want to be tied down. I wanted to be tied down in every sense of the word. Words.” I frowned. “I really wanted to be with her for more than one night.”
“Well, just because you want something doesn’t mean you’re going to get it,” Polly said.
She looked a bit smug about that. They all looked smug, as though seeing me writhe in misery was the best part of breakfast. It was because the bacon wasn’t crispy enough. If we’d had good bacon, they wouldn’t be so focused on me.
“You might think that, Polly, but when it comes to women, I’ve had no experience with rejection. My main problem has always been fighting them off.”
Fay bounced a little in her seat, as if the thought that had come into her head was too much to contain. “I know, I know,” she said.
I was surprised she didn’t put her hand in the air like she was in school. “Yeah?”
“She’s a drug lord.”
“Huh?” I scoffed. Rose was so far from being a drug lord. She was beautiful and sophisticated and amazing.
Everyone stared at Fay, wondering where that had come from.
“Makes total sense. She turns up out of the blue, looking far richer than a regular teacher. All designer labels and fancy shoes and shiny hair.”
Maybe I shouldn’t have told Fay about that, since she was now using it to think up harebrained shit.
“You don’t need money to have shiny hair,” Damo said.
“It helps, trust me,” Fay replied. “Anyway, she’s got unexplained wealth, and she came backstage looking for you. Then she took you to an expensive wine bar. The waiter obviously is her partner. He slipped her the stuff. She goes back to your room and hides it in your luggage somewhere. Presto! Then we move to the next city. Where is the next city?”
“Brussels,” Damo said.
“We get to Brussels, and some other chick pretends to be all smitten with you, and she picks the parcel up. Perfect.” She clapped her hands together to emphasize the perfection of her idea.
“I don’t accept that for one minute,” I said. “Women don’t use me like that.”
Polly and Fay both had the same look on their face. Even though they didn’t normally look alike, you could tell they were cousins when they had that look of disbelief.
“Totally unfeasible,” Crow said.
“Thanks, buddy.” At least someone had my back.
“Why would you go to that much trouble to smuggle drugs from Amsterdam to Brussels? You could drive across the border with a carload of smack without much chance of being busted. She’s playing a longer game. Somewhere it’s hard to get drugs. Maybe for our dates in Japan. She’d have to hide it well, though, for you not to find it. Maybe in with your dirty jocks, since you rarely wash them.”
“Hey, I wash my jocks more than anyone at this table.”
Fay stood up. “Hand me your key,” she said. “I need to search your room.”
“You are not searching Elijah’s room,” Polly said. “You could find anything!”
“I’m hoping to find a couple of kilos of grade-A heroin. Then I can hand it in to the police and get some kind of reward. That would be tops. I mean, Lij might be a dick sometimes, but we can’t have him locked up in prison.”
“Hell, no,” said Damo. “I’d have to look for another bass player.”
They were all smirking. My pain and heartache had become a joke to them. Even Fartstard grinned. There were fatal flaws in this theory, anyway.
“She had a tiny handbag,” I said. “There’s no way she’d fit a couple of kilos of heroin in that. And, anyway, Polly, what do you think I have in my room that Fay couldn’t see? It’s not like I collect mementos from my women or have a vast array of sex toys.”
“Maybe it’s not heroin. Maybe it’s top-secret documents on a tiny microchip,” said Damo. “That would fit into a small handbag.”
His eyes sparkled. Even he was getting in on the joke, and Damo wasn’t a getting in on the joke kind of person.
“You people are not helping. And you’ve all watched too many movies. I’m leaving.”
“I’m coming with you,” said Fay. “To search for contraband. Crow, you come too, just to be on the safe side.”
I tried to get away, but the two of them followed me.
“Fay, you’re not searching his room!” Polly called.
But it was too late. The Firecracker had her mind set on it.
Screw it. She could search my room all she liked. It wasn’t like she’d find anything. I had no idea why Rose had left, but I’d put good money on it being nothing to do with drugs.
OF COURSE THE KID DIDN’T find anything in my room. Rose wasn’t a drug lord.
“Why would she do this to me?” I said, sitting on the bed.
Fay sat beside me, but I’d asked that question so many times, I didn’t expect an answer. There was no answer. It was inconceivable.
“I dunno. Why do you do it?” Fay asked. “How any women have you had one-night stands with?”
I thought about that. I didn’t even have a number. I’d lost count a long time ago.
“But that’s different,” I said. “I don’t promise any of those groupies anything. They know the score. It’s one night of Elijah bliss only. That’s how this rock star thing works.”
She sighed and shot a glance at Crow. “As I see it, this is payback time. You screw a different woman every night, and you don’t even remember their names. In the dull morning light, you slip away not leaving a trace of yourself behind.”
The Firecracker was getting a bit carried away.
“I don’t slip away. I never go back to their place. They come to my hotel room. And I don’t think those women want me leaving ‘traces’ behind, if you know what I mean.”
Still, she had a point. That was exactly how I treated women. I hadn’t even once stopped to think how they felt the next day. At least I wasn’t a bastard, full of promises about a life together. I never even said I’d call. It was just “nice knowing you” as they left. But maybe some of them thought there was some kind of unspoken promise. After all, I’d assumed there was some kind of understanding between Rose and me. But now that I thought about it, she’d never said anything. She’d never even told me a single detail about her life that I could use to find her. I didn’t know where she worked, or where she lived, or... anything.
“Is that her perfume I can smell?” Fay asked. “It’s awfully strong. Didn’t it put you off?”
Her perfume? Yeah, you could still smell it lingering in the air.
“Maybe you should ask to change rooms,” Fay said. “Otherwise, you’re going to be crying yourself to sleep with that reminder of the love you lost.”
Ha. I wasn’t about to admit that I’d put the “Do Not Disturb” sign on my door on purpose, so they wouldn’t change the bed linen. I could smell Rose on the pillowcase and in the bed. I wanted to keep hold of that as long as I could. I didn’t think it was strong at all. Fay must have an overly sensitive nose.
“I don’t cry myself to sleep,” I told her. “Anyway, what’s happening between you two?”
Not much shut Fay up, but that sure did. Her face reddened, and she stared at the carpet. Crow just held his usual silence. I took that to mean Fay was willing, but Crow was holding back. He was an idiot. She might be an annoying kid when she hung around you all the time, but onstage, she set the place alight. She had some kind of magic, like a jolt of pure charisma. It wouldn’t be long until every guy in the world was in love with her. Crow should get in on the ground floor. He obviously liked her. He just needed to stake his claim.
“So, what’s the next step?” Fay asked.
“Next step? Huh?”
“You can’t let her get away. You’ll spend the rest of your life regretting that. You’ll compare every woman you ever meet to her, and every single one of them will be lacking. You’ll do everything you can do to forget her, but you’ll probably just turn to drink and end up a burnt-out husk of a man.”
“And then what?” I asked. Hell, she wasn’t painting a pretty picture.
“Well, based on all the research I’ve done, you’ll be called on to put a ragtag bunch of kids together as a team and coach them all the way to the finals. That way, you’ll redeem yourself.”
I gave her a shove. “You really do watch too many movies,” I said. “I’m not turning to drink, and I’m never going to be washed up. But yeah, maybe I should do something.” I had no idea what that something could be, though.
Crow shook his head. “Forget it. She knows where you are. She knows you want it. Go searching for her, and you’d just be bugging her.”
I didn’t want to admit he was right, but, dammit, he was.
“Maybe she had a reason to leave,” I said. “Like, she has terminal cancer, and she just wants to fulfill her dreams in the time she has left. She had no idea that I’d stick by her.”
“Dude, shut up,” Crow said. “You have no idea what it’s like for someone dying of cancer. And I doubt you’d be on anyone’s bucket list.”
“I’m pure bucket list material. Guaranteed. But okay, maybe it’s not that. Maybe she’s stuck in a loveless marriage and she just wanted one night of paradise before she goes back to her cold fish husband. She needs my strength to leave him. Or maybe she...”
“Maybe she’s just not that into you,” Crow finished. “Stop reaching for lame excuses.”
He shook his head, then stood up to leave. Fay trailed after him. They really were an unlikely couple.
When they were gone, I thought a lot about what Crow had said. I was a man of action, not one for brooding, but maybe this wasn’t a time when I could take action. I should just let her go. Maybe, even if I could find her, I wouldn’t want to hear what she had to say.
I WASN’T PLANNING ON stalking her. I wasn’t even looking for her. I was doing a simple Google search. Nothing wrong with that.
Okay, I went on Facebook and searched for her, but I couldn’t find anything. Then I looked up my old high school and anyone associated with it. According to the information I could find, she had quit a year after I graduated. There was no mention of where she’d gone after that, and I couldn’t search every website of every school in the country.
There was one guy, Smithy. We’d hung out a bit in school, and he’d never left my home town. The sort of guy who knew everything and everyone. I sent him a message. If anyone could tell me where she’d gone, it’d be him.
Other than that, nothing. It was like she’d vanished into thin air when she stopped working at my high school. Or maybe it was just that Jones was such a common surname, which made her hard to track down. She could’ve even changed it. She could’ve gotten married in the last ten years. She could’ve just changed it for shits and giggles.
It was all well and good for Fay to say I should hunt her down. It was much more difficult in real life.
After I’d been through ever resource the internet had to offer, I figured there was only one option. I’d ask Fay for help. I hated doing that, but she might have ideas that would never occur to me. The Firecracker had no end of ideas, that was for certain.
I couldn’t ask her in front of Polly, though. That would be the worst. Polly would tell Damo, and then everyone would know, and I’d be even more of a laughing stock. I had to get Fay alone.
I knocked on her door, hoping things would be that easy. Nope. No luck. She’d probably lured Crow out for the day. The two of them spent every minute they could together. Well, every minute they could get away from Polly.
I went back to my room and checked to see if Smithy had gotten back to me. Nothing yet.
A while later, I heard a noise. Was that Fay back?
I peeked out my door. It was the whole Wreckage crew. Jax, Polly and Fay. I couldn’t talk to her. Jax would be even worse than Polly. He’d smirk. I hated smirking the most.
I shut my door again. I’d get Fay alone after the show.
Damn it, I had to get up onstage tonight. Would the world see traces of my broken heart in my playing? After Damo and Polly broke up, he’d lost it onstage. Would I be like that?
No way. I’d put on a brave mask. No one would know the torment inside, because I couldn’t show that to the world. On the outside, I’d be good old Elijah, wisecracking with the crowd and playing like a god. Not one single person would know what I was going through.
And she might be there in the crowd. She’d knocked back my offer of free tickets, but maybe she didn’t want me to know she’d be in the crowd. Or maybe she hadn’t planned on coming along, but after she had time to think, she’d realized what a fool she’d been. I couldn’t let her see me crying like a little bitch because she’d left me. I couldn’t let all hope be lost.
Then another idea hit me. If she was in the crowd, I could get a message to her. Hell yeah. I jumped up. This was no time for moping and staring out the rainy windows. I needed to look my hottest up there. She could be hiding in the crowd, and I had to make sure I was impossible to resist.
The best way to do this would be to write a song for her, one with hidden meanings that only she’d understand. I wasn’t sure how to go about writing a song. Normally, Damo did all the songwriting for the band, but it couldn’t be that difficult. I just needed to think up some music and the right words to go with it. I could play music, so surely I could write music. I’d get onto that tomorrow. I’d have to use simple words tonight until the song came together. I wasn’t even sure what hidden meanings I could put into it, but it’d come together.
I started getting ready. None of the onstage outfits I had were sexy enough. Damn it. I needed tighter pants, a bigger belt buckle. I needed to work out. I’d let myself go since we’d been on tour. Too much junk food, not enough weights. My skin looked a bit greasy, too. That thing I’d had, the Elijah magic—I’d started losing it. It’d be all downhill from here. I’d enter the aging rock star zone, relying on my name and money to get chicks instead of my good looks. But I didn’t want other chicks, so that didn’t matter. Except it did. I might not want them, but it’d be a sad day if they decided they didn’t want me.
I checked my phone again. Smithy had replied. He knew no more than I did, and he asked for free tickets to our show when we hit town. If he wanted free tickets, he could dig a bit deeper. I couldn’t give free tickets to every loser who asked for them.
I got myself together as best I could, then headed to the lobby to meet Damo and the others. They weren’t there yet. Well, except for Matt and his girlfriend, Fiona. They were sitting on a bench near the door. I’d never spoken to Fiona, but I had the idea she thought I was a bit of a jerk. I hated people thinking that, but I didn’t have time to correct every single person who was wrong. It did make me uncomfortable around her, but she didn’t come to the shows that often. I had no idea what her story was, just that she’d been a famous model but she’d quit to be with Matt.
Matt nodded. I remembered he and Fiona hadn’t been at breakfast, so they probably hadn’t been in on the joke everyone else had made of my life. That helped me relax. Normally, I didn’t mind being the brunt of a joke, but that had struck deep.
The others soon joined us, and we headed off.
We got to the arena, did a short sound check, then relaxed backstage. Damo hung out with Polly. Crow didn’t say anything, so I was left alone with my thoughts, and my thoughts were all about Rose. It’d be ridiculous to scan the crowd for her. She’d never stand out among all those people, but I had a feeling I’d know in my heart if she was there.
By the time we got up to play, I was revved up. I’d convinced myself she’d be out there somewhere. I wasn’t easily forgotten.
The show went great, as usual. All the initial kinks in our performance had been ironed out. We could just relax and do our thing. And, hell, the crowds in this city loved us. We could do no wrong. An enthusiastic crowd, full of noise and energy, made playing a pleasure.
We got to the song just before the end of the set, and I grabbed the microphone. I usually said a few things just before this song, so that was nothing out of the ordinary. Tonight, however, I had something specific I wanted to say. My opportunity.
“Rose Jones? Are you here? Rose, I love you. I need to see you again. If you’re here, let me know.”
About a thousand people screamed, so if she was out there, I’d never know, but I’d said the words, and I’d keep saying them until I got an answer. We were fated to be together, no matter what Crow said.
“I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU did that!”
Damo didn’t look happy. In fact, you might say he was rather pissed off. He’d cornered me after the show, and I knew a lecture was coming.
“What else can I do? I don’t know where she lives. I don’t know how to find her. All I can do is hope she comes along to another show and my words reach her.”
“Are you even Elijah?” Damo asked. “This woman, did she drug you or something? You’ve gone from being all Elijah-like to being this sappy schoolgirl. Our concerts aren’t some broken hearts club for you. Just get over her.”
That was easy for him to say. But the truth was, I had changed. I wasn’t the same Elijah I’d been even 24 hours ago. Last night, I’d been in this backstage room, partying and thinking of nothing more than which twin I’d penetrate first. Then, bam. No other woman existed for me. That had to be love. I could understand why people mocked me. I’d have mocked the fuck out of myself.
“You can’t stop me from calling out to her,” I said. “You can’t control me.”
Damo grabbed my shirt front and shook me. “We don’t do this kind of thing,” he said through gritted teeth. “Get it? If you want to find her, go play private detective on your own time. She took you to a bar. Start there.”
He walked away, and I wanted to run after him, to tell him how wrong he was, but, hey, that was a great idea. I’d go back to the bar. She might come in there, or that snotty waiter might know more.
I remembered something else.
“Hey, Damo, I’m writing a song. Can we include it in the show?”
He turned, one eyebrow raised. “If it’s good enough. Play it for me when you’re done.
Sweet. That was pretty much a yes.
After the crowd had cleared, I headed to the wine bar. At first, I couldn’t find it. I wandered up and down the street, looking for the entrance. We’d gone up some dark stairs to a second floor. But there was no wine bar. No stairs, even.
It was like the place had disappeared. I couldn’t even remember the name, but it’d been something fairly generic, like Good Wine Bar or Nice Wine Bar. I should’ve taken a coaster or some matches, except the coasters had been fancy fabric ones, not the paper sort with the bar name and advertising on them.
I was about to give up when I saw a dude walking down the street. That dude had fancy wine bar drinker written all over him, what with his expensive suit and all.
“Hey, do you speak English?” I asked.
“Yes. Can I help you?”
He sounded very formal, but, hey, English was English. I wouldn’t refuse his help.
“I’m looking for a wine bar. I don’t know the name, but it was around here somewhere. Well, it was. It seems to have disappeared. Fancy place.”
“Red carpets, paisley wallpaper?”
Yep, that sounded like it.
“Doesn’t sound like your kind of place,” he said. Then he looked me up and down. “Hey, you’re from the Freaks.”
“Sure am.”
“Let’s go,” he said. “I’ll buy you a drink.”
Fans were the best.
When we got to the wine bar, I scanned the list. I remembered what Rose had said. Drink the cheap stuff, or drink the expensive stuff; just make sure it’s what you want. I got a slip of paper out of my wallet. Rose had written down the name of the wine for me. Stupid that I’d gotten that from her but no other details. Not her phone number or address, nothing. I’d thought I’d have ample time for that later.
The suit widened his eyes when I gave my order.
“Don’t worry,” I said. “I’ll pay.”
He grinned. He seemed like a sympathetic guy, so I told him everything. All about Rose and our night together. How she’d left me and how I was searching for her.
He nodded. This guy was super-understanding. Much better than any of my bandmates.
“Wow, that’s one sad story,” he said. “But I’ll talk to the waiter for you. That might be easier, because his English isn’t great.”
The suit went off to talk to the waiter.
This wine sure was great. I poured us some more.
The suit and the waiter came back over to our table.
“He remembers her. She comes in here occasionally. Not that often.”
The waiter nodded enthusiastically behind him. I’d been in here two nights running and had bought very expensive wines, so the dude had a reason to be enthusiastic.
He said something in Dutch, and the suit turned to me.
“She normally comes in alone. You’re the first man she’s ever been here with. She has one glass of wine, then leaves.”
A huge weight I hadn’t even realized was pressing on me suddenly lifted, even though the information didn’t mean that much. Maybe she came in when she wanted a night away from the husband and kids, but all signs looked like she was single. She sure hadn’t been wearing a wedding ring, come to think of it. She didn’t even have a mark on her finger to show she’d removed it. Even without meaning to, I always checked.
I had a lead. It wasn’t much of a lead, but it was something to go on.
“Does he think she lives nearby?” I asked.
The suit asked the waiter, but the waiter shrugged. He couldn’t know everything, and maybe she didn’t chat.
I wondered what Rose’s life was like. I’d never thought about it before. All those girls had things going on apart from sex with me. If I had thought about it, I’d have assumed they’d move on to the next band when we left town. There was always someone touring, new rockers to fuck. But Rose wasn’t like that. At least she didn’t seem that way.
Normally, I’d never have sat around drinking with someone like that suit guy. I’d just assume we had nothing in common. But he seemed like a nice guy. Maybe too nice, too sympathetic.
“Hey, you aren’t a reporter, are you?”
Shit. Maybe I shouldn’t have blurted out my entire story. You never know with people.
“No, just a fan.”
I had to take his word for it. After all, I couldn’t unsay the things I’d said. But I didn’t want the story of my heartbreak all over the media. Although it might be a bonus. If Rose read the paper, she’d see my story, and maybe she’d contact me.
The suit and I finished off the bottle, and I headed back to the hotel. Alone. I really had changed.
MONDAY WAS A REST DAY. Only the most hardcore fans want to rock on a Monday, and we needed a break. Even Damo wasn’t that much of a slave driver. He liked a day off as much as the rest of us.
I actually made it down to breakfast.
“We’re going sightseeing,” Crow said. “Coming?”
“Who’s ‘we’? You and Fay? Won’t I be in the way?”
“All of us. Well, me, Fay, Jax, Matt and his woman. You won’t be in the way.”
Sounded fun, but I had something I wanted to work on. I needed to write my song. Damo had an old acoustic he carried with him. He never played it onstage, but he used it for songwriting. I could borrow that.
“No. No way. Not in a million years.” That was his reaction when I went to his room to ask him.
“Come on, Damo. I never ask you for favors. Just this once.”
“You’re way too reckless, and that guitar is my baby.”
“I thought Polly was your baby.”
He rolled his eyes as if to say I’d never understand. I did, though. I’d have a fit if anyone touched any of my basses. But we were bandmates. Family. Surely he could do me this one favor.
He tried to shut the door on me, but I followed him in.
“I can do it in your room if you don’t trust me.”
“That doesn’t help,” he said. “I don’t want you hanging out in my room, either. Especially while I’m not here. You’ll move things around and make a nuisance of yourself.”
“I’m hurt.”
“Yeah, I’m a bastard, and I can hardly live with myself,” Damo said. “But that’s how it is.”
Polly came into the room, towel-drying her hair. “What’s up?” she asked.
“Elijah thinks he can borrow my guitar. Not going to happen.”
Polly smiled at me. “You taking up the guitar?” she asked.
“I want to write a song, and I figured using Damo’s acoustic would help with that.”
She shot Damo a look, clearly showing she was on my side.
“No way,” Damo said. “You can both forget it.”
“You can borrow my guitar,” she said. She went in the bedroom to get it.
I wasn’t sure why Polly had a guitar just sitting around at the hotel room. Maybe she was writing some songs herself.
“How come you get a fancy suite and we don’t, anyway?” I asked Damo. His suite was really much better than my crappy room.
“We discussed it before the tour, doofus. Don’t you remember? You and Crow said you’d be happy to have simple rooms rather than spring for suites. It’s not like this comes for free. It’s taken from my cut from the tour.”
I nodded. Damo really knew how to treat himself. I had to get onboard with that. The idea that I was making real money doing this hadn’t fully sunk into my head. At heart, I was still living on next to nothing, wondering how I’d get from paycheck to paycheck.
Polly handed me the guitar case, and I headed back to my room. On the way, I saw Fay in the hallway.
“Psst, Firecracker, come here.”
I pulled her into a nook near the stairs.
“What’s up, Lij? If people see us like this, they’ll think something’s going on between us.”
Yeah, they probably would, but I didn’t want to ask her this in front of the others. I checked the hallway, but there was no one around.
“You’re a pretty bright kid,” I said. “I need help. I have to find Rose, and I’ve only got one lead. I know she goes to a wine bar in the city, but that’s it. She might not go back there until the tour is over. You could help me out, think of some way to find her.”
“And?” Fay grinned at me.
“And?”
“What’s in this for me? I mean, I’m pretty busy. I have band stuff to do, and a personal life, and sleep is also important. It’d be cutting into my personal time. I can’t do that for free.”
Damn kids.
“I’ll give you a hundred bucks.”
“Phht. No deal. If you threw in that leather jacket of yours to sweeten the pot, the one with the cool patches, I’d be interested.”
I loved that jacket. Most of my clothes I couldn’t care less about, but that jacket and I had bonded. Firecracker wasn’t kidding, though.
“You could do it out of the goodness of your heart, to ensure true love prevails.”
“Yeah, I could, but I won’t. The jacket or no dice. Do you love this chick, or do you love the jacket? Ask yourself that.”
“Okay, deal.” I spat on my hand and held it out to her.
She stared at my hand for a minute. I thought she’d refuse to shake. I guessed chicks were a bit funny about things like spit. Then she spat on her hand and shook.
With the Firecracker on my side, I was sure this would go a lot better.
AFTER FOUR HOURS, I had a bunch of screwed-up pages and not much else. Every melody I played on the guitar ended up being something I’d stolen from somewhere else. Like, I’d think I’d hit on something perfect, but it’d be a bit of “Smells Like Teen Spirit” or “Enter Sandman”. Bastards, taking all the good bits.
The lyrics weren’t much better. Rose, Rose—that was fine, but then I could only think of “nose” or “clothes”. “I want to take off your clothes” was what I had. That wasn’t great, but it was a starting point.
I hadn’t gotten any further when I set the guitar aside.
If I ordered a snack from room service, I’d be able to think better. Food always helped.
Then I Googled information about songwriting. The internet said to brainstorm the images I wanted to use. I got another sheet of paper and thought about images.
Her face when I fucked her. That was a pretty strong image. The smell of her perfume—but how do you convey that? Just saying “her perfume” meant nothing, so I picked up the pillow and took a strong whiff of it. The scent had faded, and there was nothing I could do to stop that.
Hey, good line. I wrote that one down. I knew nothing about perfume, though. Just that it was musky, and it drove me insane.
I tried to think of more images, but that got me hard, so when the room service guy brought my food, I had to hide my crotch. The smell of that bacon sandwich distracted my thoughts.
Maybe I wasn’t cut out for this songwriting thing, but I had to try to reach her. The song idea was the best thing I’d come up with. It’d take a lot to beat that.
I finished up my sandwich and washed my greasy hands, then got back to the brainstorming. My head hurt, as though I’d stretched my brain to its very edges. I hoped it’d spring back into shape when I finished this. It wasn’t a comfortable feeling.
Eventually, I had a page filled with words. Now I just had to string them together in a reasonable form. I circled the words I thought were the most important, like “teacher” and “hot body”.
Someone knocked on my door. Fay.
“How’s the songwriting going?” she said. “Polly told me all about it.”
I shrugged.
Fay picked up the paper from the bed and read through it. She clicked her tongue.
“What?”
“Nothing.”
“No. Tell me.”
She screwed up her face and glared at me. “You really want to know?”
“Yeah, of course.” But I ran my fingers through my hair, wondering what was so bad. It was a first draft. Nothing serious.
“All this stuff is about sex and how hot she is, and, man, you were totally obsessed with her as a school boy, right? You don’t see her as a person, just as a fantasy come to life. That’s kinda okay if you’re writing a song for a general audience, especially a dude audience, but you want to reach her. Her as a person, not as your high school fantasy.”
I sat down. Fay’s words slammed into me like freight train going at full speed. “But she was my high school fantasy come to life.”
“To you. Maybe she wants to be seen as more than that. What’s her favorite food? Her job? Her eye color?”
“I think her eyes are blue. She has lovely hands, I know that.”
“I hate to break this to you, Lij, but you aren’t in love with her. You’re in love with a hormonal fantasy from your school days. If you can’t see her as a real person, you don’t really love her.”
Hell, Firecracker might be right. But, no.
“If I don’t love her, why does my chest hurt like this?”
Fay glanced at the room service trolley. “Indigestion?”
“Why have I stopped looking at other women?”
“Since when?”
“Since two nights ago. Like, backstage last night, there were those two hot chicks. The one in the hot pants with the legs that went on forever and the one with the huge tits.”
“The ones you didn’t look at, right?”
“Not like I’d normally have looked at them. Hell, you couldn’t help but notice the legs and the tits—they were right out there. But I looked at them in a clinical way, like a doctor. Not in a man way.”
Fay rolled her eyes.
“You can roll your eyes all you like, but that’s a record for me. I’m not a man who doesn’t look at women.”
She patted my arm. “I believe you, Lij. But think about it, seriously. A one-night stand with this woman is a nice memory, but if you do go after her, you’re messing with her life. I might be young, and I might not know much about love, but I know this: if you really love her, you’ll think about what you have to offer her, not just what you’ll be getting out of this.”
I was all prepared with the witty comeback, the whole “What woman wouldn’t want what I have to offer?” thing, but I took a look at Firecracker’s face. She wasn’t joking around. And, hell, the kid made a lot of sense.
“You should run along. Crow’s going to get jealous if you spend too much time in my room,” I told her.
“Nah, he doesn’t get jealous. Anyway, I told him I don’t want you. I just want your leather jacket. He understands.”
After she left, I lay on my bed for a long time, staring at the ceiling. It wasn’t a particular interesting ceiling, and it didn’t have any answers for me. I had no answers for me, either. What did I have to offer anyone? Was I even good for any more than one night? I’d never stuck around long enough to find out. The only long-term thing I’d ever had was right out of high school, and that was only a casual long-term thing. More like fuck buddies.
Maybe Rose had seen that in me. That I wasn’t a good long-term investment. Maybe she was right.
“I’VE GOT A LEAD,” FAY said the next morning at the breakfast buffet while we waited for our toast to cook. “A bit of Facebook stalking, and I think I know a few cafes where she hangs out.”
“I tried Facebook stalking, and I came up with nothing.”
“Some of us have the skills, and some don’t. You have to dig deep. Kind of like with these eggs.” She poked the eggs on her plate with her fork. “All the dried-out ones are on top, so you dig down and get the good ones. The bacon, on the other hand—you skim off the surface because the underneath layers have gone soggy.”
“You’re quite the breakfast buffet expert,” I told her.
“It’s an important life skill.”
I took my plate over and sat down at the table with Polly and Damo.
“Got enough food there,” Damo said.
He could sit there munching on his whatever granola. I wouldn’t miss out on the good stuff.
“So, what time are we going out?” Fay asked, sitting down beside me.
“Huh?”
“We have to case these places. Make sure we find her. If you’re sure you still want to.”
Even after all my thinking, I was sure. I needed to find Rose and ask her for myself. Otherwise, I’d spend my life wondering what had happened.
“Let’s do it.”
“You aren’t using Elijah as a cover so you can spend the day with Crow, are you?” Polly asked.
Fay stabbed a poor, defenseless slice of bacon. It looked like there’d been words between the two of them. I wouldn’t want to be in the middle of that.
“Why would you think Elijah is any better than Crow?” she asked. “He’s the one who screws around.”
“Because he’s not interested in you,” Polly said. “If he looked at you the way Crow does, I’d warn you off him, too.”
Fay’s head jerked up. “How does Crow look at me?” She grinned, and her eyes sparkled.
Polly had said the wrong thing to discourage her.
“We’ll head out after breakfast. We can have second breakfast at one of these cafes,” I told her.
“Sweet. I’m always up for second breakfast.”
When I met her in the lobby, she had Crow with her. Damn it, she was using me as her cover.
“I’m not sure I want to get in the middle of anything between you and Polly,” I said.
It wasn’t like I’d refuse to hang out with Crow, but I didn’t want to be a target. Polly could be damn scary, and if she got angry, Damo would get angry.
“It’s fine,” she said. “I’ll take full blame for any shit that goes down.”
She could say that, but the reality might be different. I preferred my life to be a non-conflict zone.
We headed to a part of town I hadn’t been to before. Not that I’d gotten out of the hotel much.
“We were here yesterday,” Fay said. “You should’ve come with us. It’s not like you got much done with the songwriting, anyway.”
“Songwriting is not easy.”
We got to the first cafe on the list.
“Maybe this is a bad idea,” I said. “She could be at any of these cafes, or none. The logical way to go about this is to split up and go to one cafe each, then sit there all day waiting for her.”
Fay pursed her lips. “But Crow doesn’t know what she looks like, and I only caught a quick glimpse when she came backstage. It’d be stupid to look for someone we don’t know.”
“Didn’t you see photos on her Facebook?”
“Nothing recognizable.”
I trailed behind them into the cafe. An hour later, we’d achieved nothing except eating another great breakfast.
“Okay, next one on the list,” Fay said.
I still thought this was a waste of time. The chances of finding her like this were minimal, but it beat the hell out of staring at my hotel room ceiling.
Fay browsed some shop windows as we walked. She and Crow joked around. He laughed more with her than I’d heard him laugh in all the years we’d been in the band together. I wondered if I should wander off and leave them to it.
“Hey, I might pop in here a minute,” Fay said after looking in one of the shops. “They have some cute stuff.”
“I’ll wait outside.”
The two of them went in while I propped myself against the wall. It was an overcast day, but not too cold. People rushed by, but no one paid me any attention. This wasn’t the sort of neighborhood where we had a huge fan base, I guessed. These hipsters probably listened to some kind of emo music that no one else had ever heard of, and listened to it before anyone else. We’d be way too mainstream.
At least if this was a bust, I could keep my jacket.
I peered into the shop to see if Fay had finished shopping. I couldn’t see them among the racks. She could be ages yet.
As I turned back around, I spotted her.
Rose.
Rushing down the street. She looked like she was on her way somewhere. She had her hair pulled back in a bun and a red scarf around her neck.
I took off after her down the busy street, my eyes not leaving that red scarf. She walked fast, and I didn’t want to break into a run. I’d catch up when she stopped for a walk signal or something. I didn’t want to freak her out.
I didn’t want to admit it to myself, but part of me was scared to catch up to her.
I’d gone a few blocks when I started wondering if my mind was playing tricks on me. Maybe it wasn’t her. Maybe it was just someone who looked like her. A lot of women around here had similar hair, and I hadn’t gotten a good look at her face.
Still, I’d committed to following her. I just didn’t want some strange woman thinking I was a creep.
She turned a corner and went down a smaller street. I’d almost caught up with her when a bunch of people burst out of a train station exit, filling the space between us. That red scarf stood out, though.
As she crossed a bridge, the crowd thinned. I could’ve rushed up and grabbed her arm or called out to her, but I stayed silent.
Finally, she stopped at a crossing. It was now or never. Even if I was shitting myself, I couldn’t let that fear stop me. I had to say something.
I rushed to her, reached out to her. She turned. It was her. It was most definitely her.
Then, in one solid beat of my heart, she slipped away. She’d seen me, and she bolted, running down the street. I broke into a run too. I couldn’t get this close and let her escape. She knew this city, though, and I was just a tourist.
She turned down a side street and disappeared. There were a dozen or more buildings she could’ve slipped into.
I bent over, hands on my knees. I’d screwed up. She’d seen me, and she’d made sure she vanished.
At least one question had been answered. She most definitely was reluctant to see me again.
THAT NIGHT, I DIDN’T play well. It wasn’t like I crashed and burned; more like, I was just phoning it in. I expected Damo to have something to say about that afterward, but he was strangely silent on the subject. That was so unlike him, it made me uneasy.
I had a few beers, and a chick from a local radio station came over to talk to me. She put the moves in, all doe-eyed and breathless, but it seemed contrived and annoying. The way she kept touching my arm bugged me.
When I noticed Matty leaving early to go back to the hotel, I decided to join him. I’d rather mope alone than surrounded by other people.
“Not like you to head back early,” Matt said when we got in the van.
I sized him up. Was he having a lend of me, or was he being serious? Nope. It seemed like Matt was still out of the loop on the joke that my life had become.
“Yeah, I haven’t been feeling myself the last few days.”
That was a lie. The only thing I had been feeling was myself. I’d become worse than I’d been in high school, since my fantasies were now fueled by the real thing. The poor cleaning staff must hate having to empty my trash can filled with used Kleenex.
I hadn’t even spoken much to Matt. He kept to himself, mostly.
“Enjoying the tour?” I asked.
“Yeah, it’s been good so far. You seemed a bit down tonight.”
I shrugged. I was sick of telling people about it. No one seemed to take me seriously, and things had deteriorated to the point where I was giving up hope. I’d thought about going to the wine bar again, but it seemed pointless. If she turned up, she’d probably bolt as soon as she clapped eyes on me. If she didn’t want to be found, then I should stop looking.
“Never give up, mate,” Matt said as the van approached the hotel. “I thought Fiona would never see me as more than a friend, but it worked out for us. There’s always hope.”
I got out of the van feeling strangely lightened by his words. He was probably just trying to be nice, but it was almost like he’d read my thoughts. I was giving up, but that wasn’t my way. Sure, Rose had run from me, but maybe she’d had a good reason, like she’d been late for a dentist appointment. I’d never find out if I didn’t talk to her.
At the hotel, I got changed, then headed back to the wine bar. The waiter greeted me like an old friend.
I knew she wouldn’t turn up. If she didn’t want to see me, the last place she’d be was the bar we’d gone to together. But I had a few nice glasses of wine and some time to think. I got out my notebook and worked on the song lyrics while I sipped my wine. It made me feel quite literary.
Fay had been right: I really did need to start thinking of Rose as a woman, not just someone for me to wank over. She hadn’t put it quite so bluntly, but that was what she’d meant. For ten years I’d been dreaming about Miss Jones, but I didn’t even know the first thing about her. I’d wasted so much of our time together talking about myself.
A woman sitting alone at the bar smiled at me. I didn’t acknowledge her.
I played around with the words in my notebook. I didn’t know her. I didn’t try to know her. That could be the basis for the song. My own selfishness ruling all. I had no idea if that would make for a good song, but once I had some words down, I hummed them in my head, playing around with how they’d sound being sung.
I put down the notebook and let my thoughts flow. Music playing in my head, matching the words. Then I snatched up the notebook again and rushed to get everything written down before I lost it. Nothing technical or any of that, just drawings of how I wanted it to sound. Epic and crashing. The thought of this song both excited and scared me. Could I ever get it to sound the way it did in my head?
The waiter came over and pointed to his watch. Hell, when had it gotten that late? He wanted to close up. Everyone else had left the place, leaving me alone. I gave him the thumbs-up. Poor guy. He’d probably been waiting for me to stop scribbling so he could get home to bed.
It was only when I got back to the hotel that I thought to check my phone.
There was a message from a hidden number. I fumbled, trying to open it.
“Don’t try to find me,” was all it said.
“WHY DOESN’T SHE WANT me to find her?” I asked Fay.
We were all waiting around in a magazine office. They wanted us to do a photo shoot, the two bands together. Stuff like that drove me nuts. I wanted to rock, not stand around looking like a giant goober for photos.
Fay and I had flopped down on one of the sofas while the others milled around. Wreckage had arrived before us to prepared. Both Polly and Fay looked weird, all glammed up. I was used to Polly’s heavy eyeliner and Fay’s wide-eyed innocence. I wasn’t sure the makeup artist had done much other than erase their personalities.
“I dunno, but I helped you, so you owe me one fine leather jacket, my friend.”
“Technically, no, you didn’t help me. Technically, I found her myself while you were off shopping.”
“‘Technically’ means jack shit. If I hadn’t helped you, you’d have gotten no further than sitting on your hotel bed tossing off.”
Fay was way too foul-mouthed for a young girl. She wasn’t wrong, but she was foul-mouthed about it. Maybe I would’ve been better off staying in my room, beating off. That way, I wouldn’t be nearly as heartbroken now.
“How come she had your number, but you don’t have hers?”
“I gave it to her. Wrote it on a slip of paper. That was a fool move. If I’d texted it to her, I’d have her phone number, at least.”
Polly came over to us. “Fiona’s going to give me some modeling tips. Wanna join us?” she asked Fay.
“Hell, yeah.”
I got up too.
“What are you up to?” Polly asked.
“Modeling tips. I’m in. I need to look good in these photos too.”
Polly laughed, but I wasn’t joking. Even if I hated this stuff, I didn’t want to look bad.
“My tip would be to wipe that misery off your face. You were ditched. Happens to the best of us. You’re got to move on,” said Polly.
I bet Fiona’s tips would be better and more professional than that. She’d been a professional model for years. Everyone knew her face. When she began telling us what to do, I really understood what she was saying. If only people had told me this stuff years ago. All about lighting and angles. She did stuff to Fay’s and Polly’s makeup, too, which made them look more like their normal selves, just better versions.
Matty joined in with some tips of his own. The pair of them were all over this shit.
“Hey, I was in a boy band,” Matty said. “This isn’t my first photo shoot rodeo, you know.”
I’d been through a few photo shoots myself, but I’d picked up nothing. Well, a couple of times I’d picked up the makeup artists, but nothing in the way of tips. I didn’t pay attention to things like lighting or the best angle to hold your head. My main concern had been to get in and out in the shortest possible time.
Wreckage went in first for their shoot. We’d go in after them, and then the two bands together.
This place was pretty cool, an old studio on the edge of the city. One of the assistants handed me a coffee, and I sat back and relaxed.
“You’ll be up for makeup next,” she said. “So, drink that up while you can.”
I gave her a nod. I’d only drunk half of it when they called us in, though. There was little hope that I’d be finished before that coffee went cold.
I went in and sat in the chair.
“Claire?” I said, looking at the makeup artist in the mirror.
“Yeah, it’s me. I’m surprised you remember me.”
“Always, babe,” I said, shooting her the finger guns. We’d had a thing about a year ago.
She fussed around, doing my face. I hoped she wasn’t cut that I’d never called again. I didn’t want her doing a revenge face on me. That’s why you should never hook up with the support staff. She seemed to be totally focused on the job, though.
“Say, Claire, can I ask you something?” This was a prime opportunity for some research. I had to ask this without sounding like a pathetic loser, though. “After we hooked up, were you angry that I never called? I guess that was a total jerk thing to do. It must be difficult to have feelings for someone, then have them leave you cold.”
“More difficult to put makeup on someone who doesn’t keep their mouth shut.” But she shot me a smile, so I knew she was kidding around.
“Sorry if I hurt you,” I said.
Before Rose, I’d never once thought about how it felt to be used. It’d never entered my head that there was a downside to it.
Claire laughed. “You’re kidding, right?”
“No,” I said, glancing up at her. “I mean it.”
“It’s not like I was expecting a happily ever after with a guy like you.”
That was what I was worried about. A guy like me. What did that mean?
“Elijah, you’re a player. Everyone knows it. You have no intentions beyond a good time. Any woman who expects more than that would have to be delusional or naive.”
Damn it, she was right. That had to be what Rose had been thinking—that I didn’t want more than a one-night stand, so she’d get out first. If I was a player, she’d outplay me.
Not only did I have to find her, I had to convince her that I was serious in my intentions. Fay had said a similar thing.
“So, what if I did want to have a serious relationship? What would I have to do to convince a woman of that?”
“I’m assuming you’re not talking about me.”
“Sorry.”
She got out a big brush and flicked something over my face. “I’m not sure. You really do have a man-whore reputation. I can’t believe some woman has captured your heart. It’s going to take a lot of work to overcome that.”
“But you think I’m redeemable?”
“Why not? If that’s what you want, go for it.”
I grinned. Claire was right. I needed to go for this. I could convince Rose that I wasn’t such a player after all. I was experienced, sure, but that was only because I didn’t want to waste my time on the wrong woman.
Then my heart dropped. To do that, I’d have to find Rose, and she’d asked me not to look for her.
WE SAT IN THE BACKSTAGE room, Crow looking bilious.
“It’s not any different from any other night,” I said to him.
I knew that wouldn’t help. These nerve flare-ups of his made no sense. He could play a hundred shows in a row with no issue, then suddenly be vomiting before he got up there.
Crow nodded. “Fay got me some drops. Hippie shit, but they’re supposed to help.”
With that, he got a small bottle out of his bag and added the drops to some water. I wasn’t sure if it would help, since I was pretty skeptical about stuff like that, but if Crow thought it worked, then it probably would. Mind over matter.
“How’s the songwriting going?” Damo asked me.
“Funny you should ask that, because it’s going incredibly well. Amazingly well. I think I have a real gift for it.”
I’d lied through my teeth. I had a few good lines and a tiny bit of melody, but that was it. I just didn’t want to admit to Damo that I was struggling. I hated how he was always considered the brains of this operation and I was... Well, to be honest, I’d be the cock. That was all. Nothing more to me.
“Great. You can play it for us tomorrow before we go on.”
Fuck. That did not work for me. If I backed out, Damo would know I’d lied, but if I played it... Well, playing it wasn’t an option, because there was no it to play. A smart man would just blurt out the truth, but I’d never been known for being smart.
“Sure thing. Get ready to have your socks blown off.”
Damo nodded.
Crow didn’t look any better. I wondered how long those drops took to start working, but I had bigger issues to worry about than Crow’s health. Maybe if I sat up all night working on this song, I’d have something worth playing tomorrow, like cramming for a test.
It’d be better that way. I wouldn’t think too much, and the sooner I had the song written, the sooner we could perform it. I really wanted Rose to hear it. No matter what, I wanted my feelings to reach her. The problem was, over the past few days, my feelings had changed so much.
I’d gone from thinking she was something I was entitled to, my prize for winning at life, to considering her feelings. Even so, I did think I deserved a chance with her. Or, barring that, some explanation. If she’d said she had some external reason for running out on me, I’d be settled in my mind.
Anyway, something would turn up, some inspiration to get this song finished.
By the time we got onstage, my confidence had fully returned. I gave that crowd a show they’d remember. At least I did until we got to the second-to-last song. Then everyone’s attention turned to Crow.
Mid-song, he jumped up from his drum kit. What the fuck was going on?
He ran offstage, his hand over his mouth and his face as white as a sheet. A few times, he’d been that sick before he went on, but he was always fine once he started playing. It’d always been pre-gig nerves. Never had he been like this onstage.
That wasn’t good. Not good at all. He’d have to be really sick to run offstage like that.
Damo shot me a look, but I shrugged. I had no idea what was going on. Nothing more than Damo knew himself.
I grabbed the mic. “Okay, folks, looks like the last song will be acoustic.”
I glanced at Damo, and he nodded. One of the techs rushed over to change his guitar. Hopefully, by encore, Crow would be over this.
Matty and I stood to the side and let Damo go solo. Then I walked back out and did hand claps to get the crowd into it. Luckily, we were finishing with one of the ballads and not a rocking number. This song sounded as good stripped back as it did with the full band.
I scanned the crowd. They all had a dreamy look on their faces. We could pull this off. Well, Damo could. There’s nothing worse than a great show crashing down.
I never paid that much attention to the crowd other than the chicks in the front row, pressed against the barrier with their tits out. But now I had a great chance to check them out. Everyone seemed to get fired up.
I turned back to Damo. Polly had come onstage to sing with him in the chorus. They were damn good, too, the two of them singing together. You’d have thought they’d rehearsed this. Maybe they had. Damo liked to be prepared for any occasion. Maybe, after a session of hot sex, he made her practice just in case his drummer rushed offstage in a dramatic manner. Not likely, but possible.
I turned back to the crowd.
Shit.
There, over to the side, about five rows back. Was it her? It looked like her, but I couldn’t quite make out her face, not with the lights and the people getting in my way. Damn crowd. Couldn’t they stand back a bit?
I’d wondered if she’d turn up again, had hoped for it. But this was proof. Not 100% proof, but proof enough. That chick had on a red scarf. It had to be Rose.
I shuffled offstage and got one of the roadies to go find her.
“What does she look like?”
“This tall.” I held my hand up. “Brown hair, classy looking, red scarf.”
“I’ll try, man, but it’d be like finding a needle in a haystack out there. But I’ll try. I’ll totally try.” He started to walk off, then stopped. “Say, what do I do if I find her?”
Good question. I had no idea. No idea at all.
I TRIED TO TELL MYSELF that it didn’t mean anything, but really, it was a green light. She’d told me to keep away, but if she’d really meant it, she’d have kept away herself.
After the show, I rushed back to the hotel as soon as possible. It seemed that the drops Fay had given Crow had triggered some bad reaction in his gut. Polly screamed at her. Fay screamed back. Damo stood behind Polly, not saying anything but backing her up, and Crow tried to look like he was backing Fay up, but that was difficult when he kept clutching his stomach. The whole crew either got involved or stood around watching.
Then Fartstard said the van was ready to go back to the hotel. I’d never seen so many people clear out of backstage so fast. When Polly asked for my opinion, I knew it was time to get out of there. Having an opinion on something like that never ended well. Getting out of that backstage tension seemed like the smartest move.
I wanted to go to the wine bar, just in case Rose arrived, but I couldn’t. I had to have this song ready to play.
I sat on my bed, strumming through the same chords over and over. That didn’t trigger the slightest bit of inspiration. I went over the words, all the scribblings I’d made. Anything to fire up my brain. Still nothing.
After a while, I took a cold shower, thinking that might shock my brain into working. All it did was make me frozen from the inside. I put on some music, then turned it off. That just clogged up my brain. I had enough music in my brain interfering with my thinking.
A few hours later, I had bits and pieces but nothing solid. The whole thing didn’t come together. It didn’t flow. It was just random bits.
Sleep tempted me. People got inspiration in their dreams. I could do that.
But if I didn’t get inspired, I have wasted all those hours. Instead, I pulled on my jacket. The cool leather one. Fay could say what she liked; she hadn’t found Rose for me, so she would not get my jacket. It’d be miles too big for her, anyway. If she wanted a cool jacket, she could buy her own.
I had no idea where I was headed. I just started walking. I wanted to sort my head out, get all these ideas into some kind of order. Maybe then I’d be able to write my song.
The streets were quiet around the hotel. None of the party atmosphere I’d expected of Amsterdam, but maybe we were in the wrong part of the city. I didn’t really want stag party groups right outside the hotel, anyway. A bitter wind blew around my ears and stung my eyes, but I ignored it. I could handle a little wind.
After about half an hour of walking, I realized I was in the neighborhood near where I’d seen Rose. I hadn’t been purposely heading there, but my feet seemed to have found their own way. I guessed that was a sign. A sign of what, though? It wasn’t like she’d be hanging out in the middle of the night. She was probably fast asleep, like any normal human being.
I wondered if she lived nearby. She might be sleeping in any of the apartment buildings I passed. The buildings all looked so solid and unapproachable, hiding their insides from the world. Some windows were lit up, but most were dark. A baby in one building. A party went on in another. At this time of night, there was a loneliness in the streets.
A few streets over, I saw a place that looked like an all-night cafe. Lights on, a few people inside. Nothing fancy, more the kind of place where the coffee is barely drinkable but the food is basic and good. I stepped inside, hoping at least to warm my hands. After that, I’d head back to the hotel and sleep.
I grabbed a booth along the back wall and picked up a menu. It wasn’t in English, but there were enough words that looked familiar for me to work it out. I wasn’t that fussed about what I ate, anyway. There were about five other people in the place besides me. The cafe had a cozy dinginess, like the owners had raided their friends’ basements for furniture and knick-knacks. Things were written on the walls, but I couldn’t read them. I pulled out my notebook, but the words swam in front of me.
Three things stood out in my notes: the vanishing smell of her perfume, the smoothness of her body, and the way she’d left me behind. Songs have been written on less. I played around with the words. The perfume thing would work as the main image. I just needed to pin down the exact scent. Not just musky, but something rich and decadent.
Decadent. That was the exact word I needed.
As though my thoughts had conjured it up, I could smell the exact perfume she wore. It almost overwhelmed me. Maybe it was a popular scent in Amsterdam. Or maybe I was losing my mind. Her perfume haunted me like a ghost. I’d smell that fragrance for the rest of my life.
I could use that in my song. The boldness of the perfume. Perfect.
The smell lingered as my coffee and food appeared on the table. Not even the greasy smell of my fries canceled it out.
I looked up, noticing the new waitress for the first time.
“How did you find me?” Rose said. She didn’t look happy.
I STARED AT HER, UNABLE to form words. To say I hadn’t expected her to be here would be a massive understatement. My brain couldn’t function. It was fate. Fate had brought me here. I loved fate. Fate was pretty much my favorite thing in the world.
Then she started to move away, and I grabbed her hand.
“I have to go. I’m working. I’m busy.”
I looked around at the other customers, all five of them. She couldn’t be too busy, not with two of them working. That was a massive staff-to-customer ratio, and none of those other people seemed rushed.
“Sit down for a minute,” I said.
“Really, no, Elijah, I can’t.” The frown on her face deepened.
“Hell, Rose, I just want five minutes of your time. Can’t you even give me that much?”
She looked around and caught the other waitress’s eye. The other waitress nodded, and Rose sat down with me.
I exhaled. I had to make this fast, but I didn’t want to say the wrong thing. I could ruin everything in those five minutes.
I tented my fingers and looked at her for moment, drinking in every detail of her face. She didn’t look happy to see me, but she didn’t look too upset, either. If anything, her eyes held a sense of resignation. I wanted to see much more than that in her eyes, but it was a start. I could work from there.
“I’m not going to ask why you ran out on me, but if there’s some valid reason, like you’re married or you have a terminal disease or you’re an international drug lord, then tell me up front.”
She grinned. She gave that grin to me like a gift. One of the best gifts I’d ever received. “Nothing like that.”
She tucked a stray lock of hair back behind her ear. I wanted to do that for her.
“Can you give me a chance, Rose? I’m not much of a man. I drink too much, I screw around way too much, and I’m damn selfish most of the time, but I’m in town for the next few days, and I want to spend those days with you. I don’t want to spend them screwing. Well, I do, but not just that. I want to get to know you as a person, not a fantasy created by my sex-crazed teenage imagination. I want you to get to know me, too, the real me. Two days, Rose. Can you give them to me? Then, when I leave town, if you don’t like the Elijah you’ve seen, I’ll let you slip away. No questions asked. No attempts to find you. I’ll just disappear forever.”
She stared at me.
“Think about it. It’s not like I’m that awful.”
The emotions flitting across her face showed me the inner struggle she was having with this. That she struggled so much really hit my ego. I’d have thought anyone would want that time with me, but I’d learned a lot in the last few days. Life had been a game to me so far. Maybe it was time the game ended and I got serious.
“I’m not sure, Elijah. I have a life here. I don’t want it being upturned because some rocker comes to town. I’m not that kind of person.” Her hands trembled a little.
“I don’t want to push you into something you don’t want, but don’t you think we deserve a chance? Something made you come backstage the other night. That wasn’t an accident. You had to talk your way through Security, and I don’t know how you did it, but you made that decision. If you just wanted one night of fun, fair enough, but take the chance, Rose. Find out if we can be more.”
I hoped the sincerity of my words shone in my eyes. I’d hate her to think I was feeding her some lines. I wasn’t doing that. I only had my words, and they had to ring true.
She stared at the table. At least she didn’t move away. She stared for a long time. I had no idea what she was thinking. I wanted to reach out for her hand, but I stifled the impulse. I wouldn’t try to convince her to do something she wasn’t comfortable with. I wanted her to be comfortable. No, more than comfortable. I wanted her to be enthusiastic, ecstatic.
Instead, I picked at the fries I’d ordered and took a sip of my coffee. It was horrible, but the warmth of it helped me connect to the things around me. Otherwise, I’d be going out of my mind waiting for her answer. I willed her to look up and say “yes”, but it was going to take more than my will to get her to do that.
She still hadn’t answered when the other waitress called out to her. “I’ve got to go, really this time,” she said. “I need this job.”
“Think about it, and come to the hotel tomorrow if you agree. I’ll be there until around 4:00. If you don’t turn up, I’ll know you aren’t interested.”
Maybe I’d put too much on her out of the blue. After all, a person might want to think things over. That was reasonable. Even so, we didn’t have much time. Not much at all.
She nodded. “I’ll think about it.”
With that, she went off, disappearing into the back of the cafe.
I left without finishing my food. I didn’t have an appetite.
I’d found her, and I wasn’t sure whether to be happy or sad. But I’d given it my best shot. I couldn’t do any more than that. It was all up to her now.
The city was coming to life as I walked back to the hotel, and the first glow of the sun brightened the sky. People set up shop for the day. The smell of freshly baked bread hit me as I passed a bakery. Outside another store, they unloaded buckets of flowers. The world swarmed around me. One minute I was confident she’d Rose would turn up, almost dancing. The next, I convinced myself I’d never see her again. My body became taut with the tension of it, my mind buzzed.
Through all that, one thought hit me. What was Rose doing working at the cafe? Not that there was anything wrong with waitressing, but working at a late-night cafe didn’t jell with the expensive clothes and the designer handbag. There was something wrong somewhere.
I KNEW I HAD TO WORK on my song, but I couldn’t settle the next day. Hell no. My life hung in the balance, waiting for Rose to show up. This thing gurgled inside me, keeping me on edge. Every time I picked up the guitar, my fingers turned to bananas, too fat and awkward to play. I’d been like that for hours. I’d barely slept.
I couldn’t help but create a million scenarios. Things I’d do with Rose, things I’d experience for the first time. I wanted to buy her pretty things and take her to amazing restaurants. These few days would be the most magical days of her life. Nothing would be too good for her. All she had to do was show up. I’d race to take her in my arms and make sure she was so happy, she’d never leave me again. That frown, those lines that had been between her eyes last night, would disappear. We’d have a love that would set the world on fire. I’d sweep her off her feet so completely that nothing else would matter to her.
My phone rang, and I flung aside the guitar to answer it.
It was Housekeeping, wanting to know if I wanted my linen changed.
“No!”
“It hasn’t been changed since you checked in.”
“That’s fine.” I hung up.
How dare they get me all excited like that? All day, my nerves strained to hear that phone ring. But time crept on, and Rose still hadn’t appeared. I’d checked my watch every minute. I’d even put it to my ear to make it was working. I couldn’t phone the front desk to ask if she’d turned up, as much as that tempted me. I wanted to go to the lobby in case she’d appeared but was wavering about coming up to my room. Maybe I should’ve arranged to meet her on neutral ground.
I went into the bathroom to make sure I looked okay. Then I picked up the guitar, determined to forget about all this and focus on my song. I had to play it for Damo, and it was still nothing. Barely the beginning of anything. The weight of emotion I wanted to put into the song was too immense, and it just kept growing. I wasn’t even sure one little song could contain everything. That was asking a lot.
Soon, Polly would want her guitar back, too.
When it got to 3:30, I knew I had to let go of all my dreams. Rose wouldn’t turn up. I’d said 4:00, but if she wanted to see me, she’d have been here by now. She hadn’t wanted to refuse me to my face, so she’d lied to get rid of me.
I set the guitar down again, and all the life drained from my body. I had no other options. If she didn’t show, I couldn’t keep chasing her.
Things didn’t seem right. Had she gotten into a car crash? I hoped not. Maybe the trains were on strike. I checked the news on my phone. Nothing at all to say anything was wrong in the city. Why hadn’t I asked for her number? I’d been too dumbfounded just seeing her to think of anything sensible.
I picked up my room phone to make sure it worked. It’d be a bitch if they’d been trying to call me and the phone didn’t function. I heard the regular buzz, though.
Finally, I had to let go and get ready to go to sound check. I’d have to humiliate myself in front of Damo with my unfinished song on top of everything else. The last thing I felt like doing was putting myself up for judgment. My heart was already sorely bruised, but I needed to push those feelings aside and get through tonight.
I went to brush my teeth. As I did, I looked at myself in the mirror. Hell, I wasn’t even that good-looking. I mean, I had great hair and great cheekbones, but was that enough? It’d been a while since I’d shaved, but I’d always thought that stubble made me look cooler and more manly. Maybe I’d been wrong.
Women threw themselves at me, and I’d thought that made me a god, but if they were willing to hook up with Fartstard as a backup option, their standards couldn’t be that high to start with.
I was about to leave my room when someone knocked on the door. My heart pounded, but it wouldn’t be Rose. They’d call from the front desk, not just let her up. It’d be Housekeeping. Or maybe Fay or someone.
I opened the door, ready to get angry.
But it was Rose. She’d come. The breath left my body like I’d been punched in the chest. I put my hand on the door frame to steady myself, then just stared at her, not sure if she was real.
I wanted to gather her into my arms, but I froze. My heart pounded like a sonic boom, but I couldn’t overwhelm her, not now. It’d taken so much to get her here. I’d tread gently for a while.
But she was here, and we’d be together.
She was here.
ROSE CAME WITH ME TO the show that night, but we didn’t have much time to talk beforehand. I had to play my song for Damo, and I didn’t want to do it in front of her. It was bad enough playing it for Damo, this cringeworthy little half-baked tune. Normally, I didn’t get nervous, but my hands trembled as I sat down with the guitar.
“It’s not finished,” I said to him. “It’s not nearly finished.”
He grinned. “Just play what you have.”
I inhaled. I needed to start playing, but my body told me to flee. What an idiot. I was just playing for Damo and Crow. My buddies. I’d known them forever. It wasn’t like they wanted to crush me. Well, Damo could be a bit crushing. Not on purpose, just when other people didn’t live up to his standards.
I hadn’t realized until I sat down how much his opinion mattered to me. Normally, we had clearly defined lines. He did his thing, I did mine. But this songwriting thing was veering right into his territory. The place where he was a master.
“Are you going to start?” Damo said, looking at his watch. “We don’t have all night.”
I began playing. Then I stopped. I’d screwed it up. “No, that’s not right.”
I really did look like an idiot. The biggest idiot. Then Crow grinned at me. Hell, I might be an idiot, but that guy had nearly shat himself onstage. Writing a crappy song was nothing compared to that. He’d never live it down.
I began again, thinking about Rose and how happy she’d made me when she appeared at my door. The song sounded better than ever. By the time I got to the chorus, I’d settled in with it. The nerves were gone. I’d forgotten Damo was here to judge me and just took pleasure in my own playing.
When I finished, I set the guitar down. Damo hadn’t said a word, and I didn’t look at him. I’d rather he say nothing than criticize me. And I definitely rather silence to laughter, but still, the air was tense.
“I should get back to Rose, I guess,” I said. I didn’t want to force him to say lukewarm words.
“Wait,” Damo said. “It’s not bad. Not bad at all. There are a few bits that need work. If you have some time tomorrow, we can go through it.”
That was high praise from Damo. He wasn’t the gushy type, for sure. I wanted to spend all day tomorrow with Rose since we had such limited little time, but I couldn’t say no to Damo, either. He didn’t make offers like that lightly. I was sure I could work something out. If he thought my song was worthless, he sure as hell wouldn’t have offered to help.
“Sure,” I said.
“I know you’ve been working hard on this,” he said. “We just need to give it a bit of polish.”
I nodded. I didn’t want to say, but it made me so happy that he hadn’t laughed and told me to forget any songwriting ambitions I might have had. That had been my fear, that they’d both laugh and make a joke out of me wanting to write a song. If they’d done that, I would have had to pretend it was a joke too. Stupid Elijah, thinking he could write a song. When I’d first gotten the idea, I’d thought songwriting would be simple, but it really wasn’t. I’d never underestimate people who did that again. Creating something out of nothing was a real skill.
Tonight was the greatest night of my life. I had Rose. My song was coming together, and now we had a show to play. I soared, my feet hardly touched the ground.
“Sorry to leave you alone,” I said when I got back to our dressing room.
I wanted to scoop her up in my arms and kiss her hard to make up for the time I’d been away from her, but I wasn’t sure she’d be comfortable with me doing that in front of everyone. I almost never hesitated in my impulses, but I had to think of someone else now and not just myself. I couldn’t be my old selfish self.
“I didn’t mind. I should’ve shown up earlier.”
I put my arm around her shoulder. “At least you showed up.”
I think my happiness shone out of me like radiant sunbeams.
“I wavered all day. I’m still not sure I did the right thing.”
“What’s life if you don’t take a chance?”
My heart pounded just being around her. I almost resented having to go onstage, because that would be time we’d be apart.
Wreckage had just come offstage, so I introduced Rose to Fay and Polly. That would’ve gone much easier if Fay hadn’t gotten the giggles. She could be such a kid at times. I did a cutthroat sign at her behind Rose’s back, and she pulled herself together.
“You can come with us to watch the Freaks, if you like,” Fay said. “Although one day, I’d love to get out in the crowd. It’s not nearly as much fun being at the side of the stage and having to act all serious. Sometimes I want to dance around and scream like a normal fangirl.”
“At least you don’t get bashed around and have beer spilled on you when you’re up here,” Rose said with a smile. “You get to focus on the show.”
“Yep,” said Polly. “And no random guys trying to hit on you.”
They seemed to be getting on well, but I really hoped not too well. I didn’t want Rose spending too much time around Fay. That Firecracker could be a bad influence.
That night, my playing took on an extra dimension. I’d never felt so inspired. Every time I glimpsed to the side, Rose was there. And I glimpsed a lot. I had to make sure she was still there. I played for her. Everything I did onstage, I did for her. I wanted to see the smile on her face and the sparkle in her eyes. She’d become all the more precious because I’d lost her. I’d never lose her again if I could help it.
Damo seemed in a particularly good mood. I’d never have asked him for help with my song, but now that he’d offered, I knew it would be the greatest song ever. A song that people would put on repeat. Even better, a song that people created happy memories to.
I was on top of the world. Nothing would ever ruin this. I had everything I wanted within my reach.
I’D TOLD FARTSTARD to order me a limo for after the show.
“All the trimmings, the best champagne. No skimping on the spending, here.”
“Sure thing, boss,” he said.
Nothing was too much trouble for that guy, not after I’d set him up with those twins. He’d even forgiven me for giving him that nickname. I just hoped he knew classy when he saw it, because I didn’t want anything but the best for Rose.
“Make sure it doesn’t look like a prom date car,” I added.
The last thing I wanted tonight was any reminder of the dork I’d been in high school. Or that Rose had been my teacher and definitely not my prom date. I wanted us to be on equal footing.
Fartstard came into the backstage room and gave me the finger guns.
“Time for us to go,” I said to Rose. I put my jacket over her shoulders. I wanted the world to know we were together.
As Rose and I left the room, Fay gave me a thumbs-up. Thumbs-up for what, though? Did that mean she approved of Rose? Because her approval meant jack shit to me. Or thumbs-up for a good night? Or just a general thumbs-up?
Oh, well. I had better things to worry about than trying to interpret Fay’s weird gestures. Firecracker had problems enough of her own to deal with.
I put my hand on Rose’s back as I led her out to the car. A bunch of groupies hung around the limo. Who could blame them? That was a damn fine car. Much better than the van they used to transport us to and from the hotel. That car said “rock star style” from a mile away but it was still classy as hell. It definitely didn’t have that prom date look to it.
Gleaming silver-gray paint work and even shinier trim.
Somehow, I didn’t think it was the car that the girls admired. They screamed extra loud when they saw me.
Security held them back while I opened the door for Rose. Didn’t stop the groupies from screaming and hooting. I blew kisses all round. No harm in sharing my good fortune. That raised even more screams.
That car had seats like nothing I’d ever sat on before. Well, there’d been one girl when we’d toured Texas who’d come close, but I’d never been in a car like this, and I’d been in some great cars in my time—mostly belonging to our record label and probably bought with the money we made for them.
The smell of soft leather hovered in the air. Even though this thing was as big as a football field, I shuffled over so that our legs touched. I didn’t want to come on too strong, too early, but there was no need for us to have to yell to hear each other, either.
“Does that bother you?” I asked Rose.
I’d become accustomed to screaming girls and crazy groupie antics, but it must be strange for her.
She shrugged. “It goes with the territory, I guess.”
“Yep. I hated it at first. Well, that’s a total lie. I never hated it. From the very first, I loved it. When it was a handful of them, at most, I definitely loved it. But when you get numbers like that—there must’ve been over a hundred girls there—you get worried. Ever since Berlin, it’s become more than just a joke, you know. A bunch of groupies turned on Polly, and it got nasty. Shit! I don’t want to scare you off. They’re fine. Most of the time, we have so much security around, they don’t even get close.”
Rose nodded. “I read about that in the paper. It must’ve been horrific for her.”
“I think she was pretty shaken, and she’s tough. On the up side, it made her and Damo stop being such idiots about each other. Anyway, enough about that. Check out this spread.”
It was all laid on: a bottle of champagne on ice and a tray of fancy snacks. This was what being a rock star was all about. I wanted to impress my lady.
“Champagne?” I asked.
“It would be a pity to let it go to waste,” she replied, then grinned.
I opened the bottle and managed to pour two glasses without fizzing it everywhere. I didn’t want Rose covered in champagne, although licking it off her belly later would be an extreme pleasure.
The limo drove us around the city as Rose pointed out some highlights. But I didn’t need to see the view. Watching her face was enough for me. That, and this awesome champagne and the little finger foods. Mainly Rose’s face, though.
“That’s the Van Gogh Museum,” she said, reaching across me to point it out.
I was sure Van Gogh had been a great artist and all, but his works had nothing on Rose’s boobs pressing against me as she leaned over. They were the kind of art I appreciated most. I made a murmur of acknowledgment just to show that I thought about more than tits. I didn’t want to look like some kind of yokel.
We kept driving. I topped up Rose’s glass.
“You should check out some of the galleries if you get a chance,” she said.
“I don’t think I’m an art gallery kind of person.”
“What’s an art gallery person?” she asked. “You don’t have to be a certain type. You’re a creative guy. Get inspiration where you can. No matter what other people think, it’s not about snobbery or any of that. It’s about finding what you like and enjoying it.”
I’d most definitely found what I liked, and that was Rose. While she wasn’t sitting especially close to me, her leg rubbed against mine. I loved the feel of that expensive silk and the smell of that perfume. So close now, not just a ghostly reminder.
“I’m sorry,” she said. “I’m getting into school teacher mode.”
“Not at all. I love hearing your thoughts on things. I spend all my time around musos and crew, people who think of nothing but music. It’s creative, sure, but it’s also very closed up, you know. There are things outside of music.”
“But tonight, you wrote a song?”
I turned my head away. I’d hoped she wouldn’t ask about that. Of course, I wanted her to hear the song. I’d written it for her. But someday, not today. Not while it was so rough and unfinished.
I nodded. “I’m expanding my horizons.”
She put her arm over the back of the seat and gently caressed the back of my neck. That light touch trembled through me.
“It’s a gorgeous city,” I said. “I can see why you want to live here.”
I hoped that would lead into her telling me more about why she was here. Her commentary on the sights was interesting, but I wasn’t learning anything about her.
“Tell me more about your life here,” I said. “I know almost nothing.”
She finished off her wine and moved closer to me. There might be a million interesting things to see in this city, but they all blurred out of existence when her lips found mine.
Her mouth tasted of champagne, fruity and luscious. I couldn’t get enough of that mouth. I kissed her softly, then I kissed her deeply. Then I took that bottom lip of hers and nibbled it gently.
She’d squirmed around in the seat so her legs entwined with mine. I rested my hand on her knee. As her kiss deepened, she moved my hand up her leg, right to the top of that thigh-high stocking.
Fay had told me to talk to Rose, to get to know her, but seriously, with her tempting me like this, there’d be no talking going on.
I’d never been one to turn down an invitation, and the way she’d slid my hand up her leg was a pretty open invitation to Pleasure Land, if I’d ever gotten one.
The muskiness of her body with that perfume now. I kissed her neck in that spot right on the side. I knew now that kissing her there would make her moan.
The driver kept driving, separated from us by a partition, thankfully. I tickled Rose’s thighs so she squirmed and writhed, raising her hips off the seat.
I moved my fingers higher, connecting with the damp silkiness of her panties, and a sly smile spread over her face.
That driver could keep on driving all night.
I STOPPED JUST SHORT of humping Rose in the back seat. I did have some shame, even if the limo had tinted windows. I think Rose had enjoyed the ride, because by the time we got back to the hotel, she was unsteady on her feet in the best possible way.
Talk. We had to talk. I needed to set my mind to that and not the other, more obvious attractions. I’d been distracted in the limo, but I’d keep my mind on the non-sex stuff now. For a short while.
I wasn’t really sure where to start with this talking thing, though. The few times I’d asked Rose questions about herself, she’d shut me down. Also, talking became difficult when all I could think about was that gorgeous bottom lip of hers and how perfect it would feel clamped lightly between my teeth. I didn’t even think about other body parts, just that bottom lip.
I poured her a glass of wine.
“Just the one,” she said. “I’ve had too much already, and I have to work tomorrow. I can’t neglect everything to be with you.”
Again with the bittersweet smile. I needed to find out what was behind that smile.
“What time?” I asked her. I’d organize songwriting time with Damo while she was at work.
She told me her schedule. She finished early.
I grinned. “Fantastic. What do you want to do? We can do anything. If you want it, just tell me.”
Hell, had I sounded too enthusiastic? I didn’t want to overwhelm her. Maybe I should’ve planned something. Something special that would sweep her off her feet. This way, I seemed unorganized, putting it all on her.
“We could do some sightseeing after I finish work,” she said.
I nodded. That sounded good. We wouldn’t have much time between her finishing work and me needing to get to sound check, but a few hours would be enough.
I wasn’t sure what to say after that. I never talked to women beyond the seduction stage. I never really hung out with them. The only women I spent non-sex time with were Polly and Fay, but they weren’t like other women. They were musos. We talked music or tour gossip, and I was pretty sure Rose didn’t want to know about Fartstard’s bad habits.
Rose got up to go to the bathroom, and I did something degrading, the sort of thing I’d never have imagined doing before I met Rose. I texted Fay and asked her what to do. Firecracker would have a good laugh about that, but I was desperate.
Ask about her life. That’s what Firecracker said. Hobbies? Books she’s read?
“So, tell me about your life,” I said when Rose returned. “What are you doing in Amsterdam?”
I wouldn’t let her distract me with sex this time. I’d get answers.
“I’m working on a few things,” she said.
“Really? What kind of things?”
She looked away. Maybe I shouldn’t have asked. She might want to keep that private. I hated that. I didn’t want any part of her life being private from me. I wanted her to share it all.
“Some writing projects. They’re a bit stupid, and I’d rather not talk about them,” she said. “I’m only dabbling. It’s nothing serious.”
She fidgeted with the strap of her handbag. That worried me. Was she about to flee? She sure didn’t seem relaxed.
“Do you enjoy it?”
She seemed surprised that I’d asked that, which was strange after all her talk about doing what you enjoyed.
“Actually, yes, I do,” she said with a smile.
“It can’t be too stupid, then. Things that make you happy are never stupid. Hell, look at me. I play bass in one of the top bands in the world. If I’d thought playing bass was stupid, I’d never have made it.”
She really smiled at that. “You’re right. I just find it hard to have confidence in something that isn’t proven.”
I gulped. I needed to say something.
“You were a big part of that,” I told her. “I’d never have had the confidence to go for it if you hadn’t encouraged me.”
“Really, Elijah? Because I seem to remember you as the kind of person who always went for what he wanted, no obstacle too big. Even if that made you damn annoying as a student.”
I laughed. “I put on a good front, but I wasn’t nearly as confident back then as I made myself out to be.”
I wasn’t now, either. Not when it came to Rose.
I glanced at the bed. Damn it, why hadn’t I let Housekeeping come in and change the sheets? I’d wanted to keep the smell of Rose’s perfume close to me, but now that I had the real thing, fresh sheets would be a fine thing indeed. I hoped she wasn’t repulsed by my lack of cleanliness, but it was too late to do anything about that now.
“I’m sure anything you do will be a winner,” I told her. “Your amazingness will shine through.”
“It’s nice of you to say that, but I’m not so sure. But, enough of my problems. I want to know more about your rock star life.”
I wasn’t sure I wanted to get into all of that with her. I didn’t want to admit to screwing a different woman every night. There was no way to put that to make it sound respectable.
“I know your reputation, Elijah,” she said with a laugh. “It’s pretty common knowledge.”
“True. But I want to move beyond that. It stops being fun after a while. I can’t even keep track of them. A different woman every night isn’t nearly as good as the right woman every night.” I didn’t want to say that my decision to move beyond that had happened at the exact time I met Rose.
We locked gazes for a moment. That fire burned in her eyes. Even if we skirted around the issue, we were in a room with a king-sized bed nearby, and a sexual attraction that couldn’t be denied.
“So, what are we doing to do about it?” she said with a look that almost burned the clothes right off me.
“What do you suggest?” I shot her my cheekiest grin. We’d talked enough.
She stood up and unzipped her dress, then let it drop to the floor. Whoa, fast development there. Not that I was complaining. I stood up too, needing to touch her in so many places. I started with her collarbones, running my fingers into the dips above them.
I didn’t just want to touch her; I wanted to commit her body to memory. I traced from her collarbones down her belly, resisting the pressing need of my cock.
I kissed her gently, drinking in that perfume. This was different from last time. Last time, I’d thought we’d go on forever, but tonight, despite all my hopes, I knew our time might be limited. You’d think that would make me more desperate, but I wanted more than just a release. I wanted to make memories that would last a lifetime.
THE NEXT DAY, ROSE headed off to work early.
“I will see you again?” I asked her.
“Of course,” she said. She gave a little laugh and patted my cheek. “You look so worried.”
“Not without reason.” I smiled to soften what I’d said, but I was panicking that once she disappeared from my sight, she might never come back.
“You can meet me outside the cafe if you like. Then we won’t waste time.”
“Works for me.”
Before she left, I kissed her again. “Call in sick and come back to bed,” I whispered in her ear.
“I can’t,” she said, breaking away from me. “I need—I have to work. If I’m not there, there’s no one who can come in on short notice to cover me.”
Damn it. We had next to no time before I had to leave town, and I wanted to spend that time convincing Rose to come with me. Even with things going well between us, I wasn’t sure if they were “pack up my entire life and go on tour with the band” level of good. Maybe mind-blowing sex wasn’t enough for that.
After Rose left, I went to Damo’s room. We worked on my song for a few hours while Polly went out shopping with Fay.
“You don’t really need to write this now,” Damo said. “You found her anyway.”
“That’s true, but I want her to know my feelings. Some things are hard to say in words.”
Damo nodded. “Tell me about it.”
Yeah, I guess he was the ultimate example of someone who couldn’t express his feelings. I’d always found it easy to say all the sweet, sappy words when there was no meaning behind them, but I’d never realized how embarrassing it was to say them for real. The risk of rejection made it so much more intense—but that intensity was the thing that made life worthwhile.
Damo made me write everything down, all the lyrics. Then he took a pen and crossed out half of them.
“You’re overloading things. It’s one little song. Don’t make it carry too much.”
“But I have a lot of things to say,” I said.
It all needed to be in there. Every single word. I couldn’t condense my feelings.
“So? Write another song. You don’t have to dump the lot into one song. Keep it simple. One message. One story. When you put it out there, it’s not about you. It’s about the people listening.”
He played it through with his changes, and I tried to listen as a stranger would, a random person in the crowd. I wanted to respond the same way, without all the emotion and meaning I’d loaded into the words and melody.
With Damo’s changes, it sounded completely different, yet the same. Much cleaner, much clearer. He was right. But then he usually was, damn him.
He made a few other changes, then he played it through again.
“When we get to sound check, we’ll do another run-through, and you can come in on bass.”
I grinned. That was much more familiar ground.
I headed out to meet Rose. The days here were going by so fast. I wanted to slow that clock down, because when we left town, I wasn’t sure how Rose would react. If I never asked, I’d never know how she felt, but that didn’t stop me from having heart palpitations every time I thought about asking her.
I walked to the cafe and waited outside for Rose. I didn’t want to go in and disturb her while she was working, and she’d said to meet her outside. I did peer in the window, though, just to make sure she was there. Trusting didn’t come easy to me now that she’d already slipped away from me once.
A kid came up and asked me for an autograph. I grinned and signed her notebook. She waltzed off down the street, grinning from ear to ear. I loved a no-drama fan.
A little while later, Rose came out, all smiles. She linked arms with me, and we took off down the street.
We explored the city while she told me stories about the places around us. Streets that looked much the same came alive as she talked about them. All those dark, solid buildings had a history. I loved the ones with the flower boxes. Bright red and white flowers seeming to glow against the dark stone.
“How long have you been here?” I asked her.
“About a year.”
“That’s all? Wow, you’ve sure learned all about the city. You could be a professional tour guide.”
She laughed. “I like learning about places. There’s a ghost story connected with that building over there. The usual thing, star-crossed lovers kept apart by their families. He was a poor boy; she was a rich girl. They locked the daughter in her room to keep them apart. She thought she could climb out the window, but the rope broke, or she lost her grip on the ladder or something. She plummeted to her death on the stone street below. They say she still walks at night, searching for her lover.”
I shivered. “That’s a tragic story.”
“True. But then, it might’ve been just as sad if they’d married. She might not have liked being married to an inappropriate man. No one tells those stories.”
I sucked in my breath, wondering how to respond to that. Something pressed against my chest, a dull but constant pressure. Was she dropping a hint? Did she think we were just as inappropriate, or was she just making conversation? No woman ever made me doubt myself like she did.
Rose continued on, telling more stories, but my mind kept going over what she’d said until I stopped myself thinking about it. I didn’t want to ruin the day by dwelling on things she might’ve meant.
We wandered through a flower market, and I stopped, wanting to buy flowers for her. I picked up a bunch of red roses, ready to make a lame joke about “roses for Rose”, but she shook her head.
“If we’re going straight to the show from here, they’ll die.”
I hadn’t thought of that. Idiot. Of course she wouldn’t want to spend the concert with a bunch of roses in her arms, and there’d be nowhere to put them backstage.
“I could get them delivered,” I said.
She shook her head.
Was that because she planned on leaving with me? That dull pressure in my chest eased.
“Not to worry,” I said with a smile. “I’ll buy you flowers later. Flowers that will stay alive.”
We kept on walking.
“Maybe we should grab something to eat before heading to the arena. Are you sure you want to come to sound check? It might be boring for you.”
“No, not at all. I want to see what goes on behind the scenes.”
If she came to sound check, she’d hear the song, and she’d know it was for her. Even though I’d written it for her, the thought of her actually hearing it freaked me out. She might think it was the worst song ever. Then she’d do that polite smile thing. Right now, I could handle anything other than that polite smile.
There was no way out of this, though. She was going to hear the song.
I HAD TO RACE OFF WITH Damo when I got to the arena.
“You’ll be fine?” I asked Rose.
“Of course. You have to work. I’ll just find a quiet corner and listen.”
She smiled, and that smile made me determined to make this song as perfect as possible. I’d pour all my feelings into it, and they’d have to reach her. She’d know exactly how I felt without me saying a word.
We ran through the normal sound check material, then Damo mentioned my song. I gathered Crow and Matty.
“Look, guys, I don’t want to put too much pressure on you or anything, but my entire future happiness rests on this song. It has to be totally perfect and filled with feeling, beyond everything we’ve ever done before.”
“That’s going to be a bit difficult, since we’ve never even heard the song before,” Crow said. “I don’t want to ruin your dreams, but I really can’t promise that level of playing.”
The dude wasn’t wrong.
“Let’s do it with just guitar and vocals,” I said to Damo. “You play, and I’ll sing. We can’t be too high-risk here.”
Damo sighed. “I thought we were just doing a run-through. If you want this played during the tour, we need to get the full band playing it.”
“Yeah, but not tonight. Rose is here. She’ll hear the song for the first time. It’s not going to be a simple run-through.”
I didn’t want to plead, but if that was what it took, I would. I’d get down on my knees. The song would work so much better with just Damo and me. It wasn’t like there was any urgency to add it to the setlist. Playing this song in concert was secondary to playing it for Rose.
“I don’t want to discourage you or any of that,” Crow said. “But you’re riding a lot on this one song. I’m pretty sure that if your personality hasn’t put her off, she’s good.”
“Thanks, buddy.” I wasn’t sure if that was a compliment or not.
“Just do the damn song,” Damo said. “Or Polly will have my ass in a sling for going overtime with our sound check.”
Polly would. She was a total stickler for that. If we went five minutes overtime, she’d barge onstage, yelling at us all.
“Pussy-whipped,” I whispered to Crow.
“What?” Damo spun around.
“Nothing.”
“Remember, your future happiness is riding on this song,” Damo said. “You might want to be a bit grateful.”
It got on my nerves when Damo pulled that shit, but I couldn’t deny what he’d said. I should be grateful. He’d helped me turn this song into something. I’d learned more about songwriting in those few hours with him than if I had taken a songwriting degree at college.
We walked back to the mics, and I got out the notes Damo had made earlier with the revised lyrics. I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t nearly ready. I needed to work on it some more. Learn the lyrics so I wouldn’t need these stupid notes.
One look at Damo told me that he’d whip my ass if I tried to delay this.
I took a deep breath to steady myself. I could do this. I had to do this.
“Rose, this song is for you,” I said into the mic. “It’s not much, but it’s the best I’ve got.”
I searched for her, then heard clapping. She and Fay sat over to the side.
“Bring it on, Lij!” Fay called. Then she put two fingers in her mouth and whistled.
I gulped. This was it. I turned to Damo, and he got ready.
We started playing. I couldn’t look at Rose, not while I sang. Instead, I focused on the sound desk. Damo played well. My singing wasn’t too bad, either, even if I did have to keep referring to those damn notes. I got to the bit about her perfume lingering on my pillow. I hadn’t thought about how cringeworthy it’d be to actually sing that line with her listening. It made me sound like a bit of a soft cock. I’d wanted to express my feelings, but I should’ve thought about what would come across in those lines.
I couldn’t exactly stop and explain. I just kept singing, my voice getting stronger as I hit the chorus, and Damo harmonized with me. Wow, this really was a great song. Something I could be proud of.
Finally, I got to the end. I ran my fingers through my hair. I’d done it. I’d written a song, and I’d sung it.
I looked for Rose. I needed to see her reaction. It’d all be for nothing if I hadn’t hit the target.
She wasn’t with Fay any longer. I couldn’t see her anywhere. Shit. This stirring in my guts wouldn’t settle until I got some kind of feedback from her. I’d end up like Crow the other night.
An empty seat told me nothing.
“Elijah, buddy, I never knew you had it in you.” Crow slapped me on the back.
“You liked it?” I didn’t want to sound like an overeager teenager, but that was exactly how I felt.
“Yeah, it’s beautiful.”
That was something. Crow never gave false praise. Both he and Damo could be bastards like that, but then, when they did say something positive, you knew they were telling the truth.
We got out of the way so Wreckage could set up.
“Great song, Lij,” Fay said to me.
“Hey, where’s Rose gone?”
Fay shrugged. “Beats me. She rushed off. Maybe she went backstage. She’s probably waiting there for you.”
“Yeah. That’d be it.”
I went backstage with the guys, but Rose wasn’t around. Strange. I couldn’t exactly go out and search the entire arena for her. She could be anywhere. I had to just chill out and wait. She wouldn’t run on off me again. Not now.
When Wreckage got backstage after their sound check, I had no chill left in me. Where the hell had Rose got to?
I tried calling her.
“Where are you?” I asked when she picked up. At least she’d answered her phone. That was something. I didn’t want to sound possessive and demanding, but I needed to know what was going on.
“I just went for a walk around the place. I’ll come backstage shortly.”
Did the woman have no idea how much I needed her approval? I’d spilled my guts up there. I’d told her everything. Maybe my sheer neediness turned her off.
I grabbed a beer and waited for her.
She got backstage a while later. I wanted to ask her; every part of me screamed to ask her, but I waited for her to mention the song.
“Enjoy your walk?” I said.
She nodded. Something about her seemed furtive, though. She didn’t look at me; but fiddled with that handbag strap like it was the most important thing in the world.
“It’s amazing, all the work that goes into setting up for a concert. I’d never realized.”
Maybe she hadn’t heard me when I introduced the song. Maybe she didn’t know what a big deal it was for me. She kept talking about the setup, but she still didn’t meet my eyes.
I rubbed the back of my neck, wondering how to subtly drop the song into the conversation.
Before I could say anything, Fay came over to join us. Rose asked Fay about the necklace she wore. She asked Fay about her boots. Then she asked where Fay got her hair done.
Was I being paranoid, or did Rose seem to grasp at anything if it meant not talking to me? I knew chicks liked talking about that kind of thing but not to that extent.
Then Damo called me away to go through a few things. He wanted to change the set list. Crow didn’t. I had no fucks to give about that set list, and Matty sided with Damo.
“Let’s do it Damo’s way,” I said. “He knows what he’s doing.”
Crow almost never crossed Damo, so I had no idea what this was about.
It was time for Wreckage to go on. I’d have Rose to myself with no distractions. She’d have to say something.
Instead, she grabbed my arm.
“I want to watch Polly and Fay,” she said.
I couldn’t refuse that, not without looking like a baby. As we watched, I slipped my hand into hers. She twisted around so she leaned against my chest, my arm around her.
While I loved the closeness, I wanted her to look at me. Just a glance. I wanted to read what was in her eyes, but we spent the whole set like that: her head resting against me, my arm around her. I rested my head on her shoulder and nuzzled her neck.
The physical attraction hadn’t dimmed at all, but those words I wanted to hear, Rose wasn’t saying them. I couldn’t relax. And the longer I waited, the more tense I got.
Then Wreckage finished playing. Soon, I’d have to set up and get out there, but I didn’t want to walk out onstage without hearing Rose’s thoughts.
Finally, we got a quiet moment. Well, as quiet as it got when you were just offstage and a bunch of techs and crew rushed around to ready things for your set.
“What did you think?” I asked her.
She raised her eyebrows.
“About my song, I mean.”
I didn’t want my heart to freeze up while I waited for her answer, but I couldn’t be responsible for what my heart did.
“It wasn’t bad. Not really my style.” She still didn’t look at me.
She hated it. She hated the song. She’d shot me down like I was a vagrant robbing a liquor store.
I forced a smile. “It doesn’t matter,” I said. “It’s just a stupid little thing I’ve been working on.”
But that dull pain in my chest returned. This time, it didn’t stay in my chest; it spread all through me, coloring the world with its murky tones.
I went onstage. I played. People cheered. On the outside, nothing changed at all.
DAMO BASHED ON MY DOOR. “Come on, Elijah, we’re leaving soon.”
I knew I had to get my ass down to the lobby, but I wanted to cling to every single minute. These moments would be our last, because I hadn’t asked Rose to come on tour with me. It seemed pointless; she’d just shoot me down again. Far better to have a quick and dirty farewell—except that farewell wasn’t so quick.
Even after showering, and dressing and packing up all my gear, I couldn’t let go of her. One last kiss and I’d leave: that was what I’d promised myself. One last touch. One last look.
As I held her in my arms, Damo knocked again.
“Get down here now!” he yelled. “You can’t hold everybody up.”
I gave Rose a wry smile. “Gotta do what the man says.”
She lingered with me until the last minute, but never once gave any indication she wanted to join me on the tour. I studied her face, hoping for just one trace that she wanted more than this. I couldn’t stand the thought that I’d never see her again.
Walking away had always been the thing I did best. If they gave medals for walking away, I’d be up there on the winner’s podium. Gold all the way. I’d lost count of the women I’d walked away from. Never even a backwards glance.
But leaving Rose was like ripping out my internal organs.
Any trace of that confidence had been shredded. I couldn’t be the one to ask. She’d hated my song. That didn’t mean she hated me, but it sure as hell meant she didn’t love me. She’d never love me the way I loved her. For her, I’d been nothing more than a fun distraction.
Finally, Rose gave me a little push. Hardly a push at all, just a hand on my arm, aiming me at the door.
I opened the door for her, then slung my bag over my shoulder. “I guess this is it, then,” I said.
The hope that she’d try to stop this farewell clung to my heart.
“Thanks, Elijah. It was fun.”
Fun? It’d been much more than fun for me. Those were the words that finally stopped me from hoping.
When we got to the lobby, she walked out the door without looking back. I watched her walk out to the street and jump into a cab.
She was gone.
That was it. It was over. That was the last I’d ever see of her. I’d told her that if she walked away after these few days, I wouldn’t look for her, I wouldn’t come after her, but every impulse in me screamed for me to run after that cab and beg her to be with me.
“Come on,” Fartstard said. “Everyone else is on the bus.”
I followed him to the tour bus and settled into a seat. Down at the back of the bus, everyone else was gathered around the table, playing some kind of card game. They laughed and whooped.
I scrunched down in my seat, put my headphones on, and buried myself in music. I might try to get some sleep. Soon, we’d be in Brussels. Another city. I had a lot less enthusiasm this time. Another day of setup, then a night off before our first show there tomorrow.
The city rushed past. Amsterdam, huh? It hadn’t been the best city for me, that was for sure.
Rose and I had spent the night together, and it’d been good. It’d been better than good on a physical level, but that pressure in my chest hadn’t left me. I couldn’t fully let go with her, not after what she’d said. It wasn’t her style—that’s what she’d said. The red-hot stabbing in my heart replayed every time I thought of those words. I’d done my best, and it just hadn’t been good enough.
The seat dipped as Fay flopped down beside me. I didn’t remove my headphones. I wasn’t in the mood for her joviality. I wanted to sink into this dark mood.
That didn’t stop her. She reached over and took the headphones off me.
“Lij, what the fuck are you even doing on this bus alone?” she said. “You need to toughen up.”
I put my headphones back on.
For the rest of the tour, I had a plan. I’d put my head down and work my butt off. No more partying. No more groupies. The thought of groupies left me cold. I’d be like Damo: all business. All work. Ride this wave while I could—that was the plan. Then die a lonely old man. Fay had been right about that in the first place.
There was nothing wrong with being alone. One day, all this would fade. The longings would die, and Rose would just be another memory. Until then, I’d endure as best I could.
THAT DAMN FIRECRACKER didn’t know how to take a hint. She removed my headphones again.
“Leave it, Fay,” I said. “I’m not in the mood.”
“Because you’re a total loser, Elijah. I saw you let her walk away.”
I tried to push her off the seat, but she was a lot harder to move than you’d think from the size of her. She was damn determined to have this talk, whether I liked it or not.
“Did you also see that she didn’t even look back? I was a fling for her. After everything I did, all I achieved was extending that fling. And, yeah, I had a good time, but that’s all it was.”
“So now you’re going to sit here alone, reveling in your misery?”
I nodded. “Yep, that’s the plan. Nothing wrong with that. So, go back to your card game and leave me with my misery.”
Misery was a helluva lot better than talking about this. What good did talk do? Fay would be all pep-talky, but none of that peppiness would change a damn thing. I’d listened to enough of her talks, and they’d done nothing for me in the end.
“Dude, you got the black eyeliner to go with that emo attitude?”
“Not funny, Fay.”
I grabbed my headphones back off her, but she gripped them so tight that I ended up letting go so they wouldn’t break. Those things hadn’t been cheap.
“You really cared about her a lot,” she said. “It’s not like every woman is going to throw in her entire life to go on tour with a rock group.”
Fay turned. I followed her gaze to Matt and Fiona sitting farther down the bus, apart from everyone.
“Fiona did it,” I said, stating the obvious.
“She doesn’t seem much fun, to be honest. The two of them hang out on their own, never having much to do with anyone else. I think the most she’s ever said to me is when she wanted me to pass the salt at breakfast one morning. She was good at the photography studio, but there’s something strange about them.”
I’d never really given Fiona much thought. Matt played well and fit in well with the rest of us, but both of them did keep to themselves.
“What’s your point?” I asked. Her analysis of Matt and Fiona’s relationship had nothing to do with me.
“My point is that not every woman is going to do that. Maybe they have a job they love or a great apartment or other ties to their life. Me, I love this traveling around and playing every night, but I’m young and cute. I want to have fun while I can. Your woman isn’t like that. She might’ve had a good reason for saying no.”
“She’s not my woman, and she didn’t say no.”
Fay raised her eyebrows. “She didn’t?”
“She didn’t because I didn’t ask her.”
Fay gasped. That gasp was pretty damn exaggerated, too. It wasn’t so shocking that I hadn’t asked. The song had done that for me, and she’d rejected my song.
“Whoa. Piss weak, dude. You didn’t even ask her, and now you’re moping because she’s not here. Lij, you are not the man I thought you were.”
I wasn’t the man I’d thought I was, either. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
I sure wasn’t going to rake over my misery with Fay. She’d have snappy things to say about it, and I was in no mood for her comebacks.
“Fine. But I’m telling you, you might’ve made the biggest mistake of your life.”
I shrugged and looked out the window. We’d reached the suburbs now. Soon, we’d leave the city behind entirely.
“She would’ve said no if I had asked,” I said.
“You don’t know that.”
“Yeah, I do. It was never like that for her.”
Fay twisted in the seat to look at me. Someone had turned on the music, and arguments broke out down the back of the bus. You’ve got to brave to select the music on the tour bus. It’s always going to get heated.
“If it wasn’t like that for her, why did she react like that to your song?” Fay asked.
I gulped. I wanted to forget that song ever existed. I’d been the biggest fool.
“You mean the way she hated it.”
“Hated it?” Fay stroked my arm. “What makes you think that?”
“Her saying she hated it. That’s what makes me say it.”
I might not be the brightest match in the box sometimes, but Rose had made it pretty damned obvious. I didn’t need her to put up a neon sign to get through to me.
Fay pursed her lips. She had something to say, and nothing in this world would stop her from saying it. I prepared myself, but Fay could pep talk all she liked; her words wouldn’t change what Rose had said. I needed to accept the truth, not listen to false hopes.
“She didn’t hate it, Lij.”
I shook my head. “Don’t try to mollycoddle me. She told me herself. It wasn’t her style of music. I’m a grown man. I can deal with that.”
“Yeah, obviously.”
I turned to look back out the window.
“Elijah, I don’t think she hated your song. I’m not saying that to make you feel better. I mean it. I was sitting beside her when you played it. I saw the look on her face. I don’t know why she said that to you, but she had tears in her eyes while you sang.”
“Tears of pain at having to listen to my embarrassingly honest feelings, you mean.”
Fay punched my arm. “Real tears, idiot.”
“Whatever. She said she didn’t like it. She couldn’t even meet my eyes. We spent the night together, but there was a massive great wall between us. All the tenderness and inside stuff was gone. It was great sex, but nothing more. It wasn’t sex that made the world stop turning or the ground shift beneath my feet. It was body sex, not heart sex. Why am I even trying to explain this to you, kiddo?”
“There’s more going on with her than you think.”
“Firecracker’s words of wisdom, huh? Even so, it’s too late now.”
She punched me. Hard. I rubbed my arm.
“You complete dick, Lij. It’s not too late. Grow a pair and do something about it. You got on this bus and left town. I bet that’s exactly what she expected you to do. Rock star having a good time, that’s what she’d think. No one is going to believe your fancy words, not with your reputation. You need action. And, hell, the bus hasn’t even left the city limits yet.”
I kept rubbing my arm, letting those words sink in. “You think?”
“What are you going to do? Go to your grave wondering? Jeez, Lij.” She threw her hands in the air. “What the hell would you do without me? You’d curl up in a ball of misery. Now, we need to make a plan.”
“Screw the plan,” I said. I jumped up and pushed past her. “Stop the bus! I’m getting off here.”
LUCKILY, THE BUS DRIVER had a lick of common sense, and instead of letting me off the bus in the middle of nowhere, he made me sit down and wait until he got near a train station. Even though that romantic image of “running full tilt to the one you love” thing looked cool in the movies, it’d probably have killed me. We were a long way out of the city by now. I’d have been running for hours.
“Be at the hotel in Brussels by 2 p.m. tomorrow,” Damo said. “Or I’m kicking your ass off this tour.”
Damo and his threatening to kick people off the tour. It seemed to be his default position lately, although I felt like he meant it this time. Even without his threat, I knew better to let the guys down, not to mention the fans. But that gave me nearly 24 hours to win Rose over.
I could do that. I had to believe it.
I’d plonked my butt down on the seat behind the driver. Not even on the seat but the edge of the seat, hands gripping the cushion. How far was it to this train station? Every minute we drove was another minute I moved away from Rose instead of towards her. My heart pounded but that dull pressure had disappeared. Fay wasn’t wrong; I was a man of action, not a man of moping.
The bus brakes squealed. We’d reached the station. I flew out that door. I had no idea where to go or what I was doing, but I’d find Rose and demand the truth from her. If she could look me in the eye and tell me she felt nothing more than a sexual attraction, then I’d leave her behind me, but I wouldn’t walk away with unanswered questions.
“Good luck,” Fay yelled after me.
I rushed into the station, then realized I needed a ticket. The board said there was a train in five minutes, then over an hour’s wait for the next one. I fumbled through my pockets, searching for coins for the machine. I fed them in, my fingers barely functional in my haste. I was just short. Surely I had more coins on me.
I had notes, but the damn machine didn’t take notes.
I tried my card. Nope. No dice.
I kicked the machine, but that didn’t help one bit.
I patted my back pocket. Empty. My front pockets. Also empty. Then I remembered the inside pocket in my jacket. Phew. A couple of coins. Enough to get my ticket.
Before I could put them in, the machine reset itself, and all the coins I’d paid in clanged to the tray below, like I’d hit the jackpot. This was no jackpot, though. The board said I had two minutes to go. I bashed the buttons again, then slammed the coins into the slot as fast as I could. I needed to be on that train, ticket or not.
As the machine processed my payment, I tapped my hands on the side.
Hurry up, hurry up.
The ticket finally slid into the tray. I grabbed it and raced to the barriers just as the train pulled in. Running and dodging disembarking passengers, I made it onto the damn thing. Who knew catching trains could be such so nerve-wracking?
Then there was nothing to do but sit. My heart pounded from all that running and drama, so that I wasn’t sure what do with this nothingness.
I could call her. But maybe surprising her was better. She was so damn evasive.
But some people hate surprises.
No. Surprising her was definitely the best option if I wanted to get an honest response.
Rose was keeping something from me, but I didn’t need to know what that thing was; I just needed to know whether she had feelings for me. If I could be sure of that, I’d do whatever it took to break through any obstacle in our way. Obstacles were there to be broken. Nothing would stop me, if only I knew she felt the same.
The train stopped at a station. Why did it need to stop? That wasted time when I could be with Rose. Damn other passengers.
I got out my phone, wishing I’d thought to take more photos of the two of us together while I could. I had a couple of shots, but not nearly enough.
There was one of the two of us in the back of the limo. She sure looked happy in that. Her eyes shone and that smile melted my heart. That had been a great night. A few more photos of us walking around the city. That was all, and I looked damn stupid in every single one of them.
The whole train ride became a rollercoaster of emotion. One minute I felt sure she’d welcome me with open arms. All the doubts she had could be swept away. The next minute, I’d become convinced that I was on a fool’s mission. She’d laugh or be horrified that I’d returned when she’d thought she was rid of me.
I had promised I wouldn’t bother her after I left Amsterdam. I’d never once broken a promise in my life, but she’d lied to me about her feelings.
Maybe I should’ve gotten something to give her. Flowers. I’d said I’d give her flowers. I got out my phone to order some, but she’d never given me her home address. I should’ve asked her, but it was too late now. I knew where she worked, that was all. I’d done a million things wrong, and not asking for her address was one more thing on that list.
The train stopped again. I had no idea how long this trip would be. We’d been on the bus less than an hour, but the train would surely take a lot longer, with all this stopping and starting.
The train started again. The buildings were more modern out here, not all that quaintness you saw in the city center. People whizzed along paths on bikes. Others walked through the towns. All of them going about their everyday lives without any idea of the earth-shattering events going on inside me.
As we got closer to the city, the buildings got more squished together and more picturesque. We also stopped more often. The train became quite crowded.
Finally, we arrived.
I jumped off, unsure of which way to go. There were trams, but which one should I catch? The area around the station wasn’t familiar at all. I saw a cab and waved it down. What the hell was the name of that cafe?
“Just a minute,” I said. “Just a minute.”
The cab driver grunted.
I flipped through my phone, looking for clues. I’d been there just the other day. Then the name came back to me. I told the cab driver, and he gave a nod.
Not long now, and we’d be reunited. If she wasn’t working her shift, I’d sit there and wait for her. It was an all-night café. She’d be there eventually.
“SHE QUIT HER JOB. TODAY. Left us short-staffed, too,” the guy in the cafe said.
“No way. No fucking way.”
I ran my fingers through my hair. This could not be happening. She couldn’t slip away from me again. Not like this. Was this a nightmare?
I went to ask for more details, but the guy pushed past me, taking coffees to a table. I waited for him to return. I tried calling her, but she didn’t pick up.
“Seriously, buddy,” I said when he returned. “I need to find her. It’s urgent.”
He shrugged. “Sorry. I have no idea where she could be. Not my problem.”
I got out my wallet and tried to hand him a bunch of notes, but he shook his head. What was with this guy? Anyone would talk for that amount of money. It’d be about a week’s wages for him.
“Even if I took your money, I couldn’t tell you anything. Now, could you clear out of the way so you aren’t blocking the customers?”
This place was my only connection to Rose. Leaving here would be like giving up, but there was nothing else for it.
Before I could make it to the cafe door, someone grabbed my sleeve.
“Meet me in the side alley in five minutes,” the waitress said. “I’ll be on my break then.”
I turned to smile at her, but she’d rushed off.
When I got outside, I found the alley. There were a few milk crates next to a door. That looked like the door to the cafe kitchen. A few minutes later, the waitress came out.
“You looking for Rose?” she asked. “You Elijah?”
I nodded. “Yes. Yes to both.”
“You don’t look like a famous rock star,” she said, eying me up and down suspiciously.
I probably didn’t look my best after that rush to get here. If I was shattering her illusions about famous rock stars, I couldn’t help that. I wasn’t sure what she’d expected.
“I am. Do you have any information?”
“How much did you offer Hans?”
I pulled the notes out. “But I want concrete details.”
“Yeah, I’ve got her home address. You’ll have to be quick, though. She’s moving on.”
I nodded. She pulled a pencil from behind her ear and a pad out of her apron. As she handed the address over, she started giving me directions. Which tram to catch, that kind of thing.
I waved my hand. “Don’t need it.”
She shoved the money into her pocket with a huge grin. “Rose won’t be the only one quitting this hellhole,” she said.
I jumped into another cab, and we took off. I could just imagine the type of place where Rose lived. One of those gorgeous old buildings, sun-filled and sparsely decorated, with a just a few precious things about the place. Sophisticated and classy, just like her. There’d be plants, and maybe a piano. I didn’t even know if she played the piano, just that I could imagine her with one.
The cab whizzed across the city. I checked my watch. This ride was taking much longer than I’d thought. I’d assumed she lived close to the café, but we were headed back out to the suburbs. Maybe she hated living in the city, with all the noise and distractions.
I tapped my fingers on the window frame. That waitress had said to hurry, that Rose was leaving town. Rose had never mentioned that to me. I needed to get to the bottom of things, and I had to get there before it was too late.
The cab pulled up outside a nondescript apartment building. Was this the right place? I guessed it had to be. That, or the waitress had duped me for the cash. Damn, I hadn’t thought of that until now. She’d be long gone with my cash. Nothing about this building fit with my image of Rose.
I checked the apartment number on the bit of paper, then paid the cab driver and rushed inside. As soon as I walked in the front door of the building, the smell hit me. Cabbage and pot. And a swampy smell, maybe from the canal nearby. Nothing like Rose’s sweet perfume. Despite the city’s reputation, I’d never noticed the stink of pot so strongly anywhere else.
I got into the elevator. Thankfully, that wasn’t as skunky. I’d never been a pot smoker, so the smell of it turned my stomach. Damo banned drugs around the band, which was fine with me. Sex had always been my drug of choice.
It wasn’t so smelly when I got to Rose’s floor. I found the door and knocked, praying that she’d be there. She had to be. Music played inside the apartment. Not our music. Nothing like our music. It was some experimental electro trance music. No wonder she’d hated my song if she listened to that. I was all about the rock.
I knocked again. The door opened.
It wasn’t Rose, though. A dude stood in the doorway—a scrawny dude with long hair and a wispy beard, wearing an “I heart Amsterdam” t-shirt. He held a spatula in his hand, like I’d interrupted him in the middle of cooking.
If my feet worked, I’d have run. He was the last thing I’d expected. Either I had the wrong address or something was seriously wrong.
“IS ROSE HERE?” I FINALLY spluttered.
I wasn’t sure if I wanted him to say he had no idea who Rose was or not. My stomach churned. Either way would be bad.
“Eh? Rose? No, I think she went to the shops to get garbage bags. She’s moving out, so she had a ton of stuff to throw out. But I’ll check her room.”
Her room? He’d said “her room”, not “our room”. I could exhale.
He walked away without closing the door. I wasn’t sure whether to follow him, but he turned to me.
“Come in, man. If she’s not here, she won’t be long. You can wait for her.” Then he called out to Rose, but got no answer. “Take a seat,” he said.
He moved some boxes off the threadbare sofa. I sat down, the springs half collapsing under me. This apartment wasn’t what I’d expected. It was more like a stoner share house. As well as the sofa, there were mismatched chairs covered in sarongs. The paintings on the wall looked like they’d been there for a long time. The formerly orange tones of the sunset in one had faded to a greyish brown. Snack food wrappers and pizza boxes covered the wonky coffee table, and a battered acoustic leaned against the wall.
The guy disappeared through some beaded curtains.
Did Rose really live here?
Not that I was any kind of decor snob or anything. My apartment at home didn’t look much better. I’d moved in years ago, when we’d still been struggling to make money, and I’d never changed a thing. But that was me. I’d expected something different from Rose.
Maybe it was a different Rose. The girl at the cafe had been confused. It wasn’t such an uncommon name.
I should make excuses and leave.
I got up and went through the bead curtains to tell the scrawny guy. He stood in a messy kitchen, stirring something on the stove.
“Instant ramen, man. They call it instant, but it always takes forever.”
He stared into the pot. That ramen was well past done, but I didn’t want to tell him that.
“I might come back later...”
Not point trying to justify myself to this guy. He didn’t matter, and he wasn’t really listening, anyway.
Before I could say any more, the door slammed.
“She’s home,” the guy whispered.
I parted the beads, looking out into the living area. Rose stood in the middle of the room. When she saw me, the grocery bag dropped from her hands.
“Elijah! You aren’t welcome here. Get out.”
That was so far from the reaction I’d hoped for. Her eyes blazed, and I almost obeyed, but something about the way her shoulders drooped stopped me.
She wasn’t dressed in the fancy clothes she normally wore but had on a hoodie and yoga pants, with her hair scraped back in a ponytail. She looked more beautiful than ever.
“Hey, Rose, that’s not real friendly,” the guy called from the kitchen. “This dude came to see you. He seems pretty cool.”
She just clicked her tongue and left the room.
I followed her.
“Rose? Rose? Sorry to intrude, but I need to talk to you.”
I walked into her bedroom. The room had a dampness that gave the impression it’d never get warm, not even in the middle of summer.
Rose crouched on the end of the bed, the only available space with the large suitcase open beside her. Clothes and things sat in it as though she’d finished packing but hadn’t quite made the commitment to zipping the case yet.
“Please, Elijah, I don’t want you here,” she said, looking up without actually looking at me. “You promised you wouldn’t look for me again.”
“Yeah, well, I lied. But I think you lied too.”
I stood in the middle of the room, not sure what to do. I put my hands in my pockets and tried not to look around, not wanting to seem to pry. Then I took my hands back out again. I’d have sat down beside her, but there wasn’t room on the bed.
“Is that guy... Are you...” I wanted to ask if she was dating him, but the words didn’t work. I’d turned into a blithering idiot.
She waved her hand. “Bruce? No. He’s an expat who rents out his spare room.”
At least that was something. I’d have killed that guy if I thought he’d ever touched Rose.
“And you’re leaving?”
That was stating the obvious. Of course she was leaving. Good thing. Bruce didn’t seem like a reliable housemate. He seemed the type who’d go sleep leaving the gas on in the kitchen or get busted in some kind of raid.
“It was only a temporary thing. It’s all only temporary things.”
I didn’t understand the sadness in her voice.
She turned to the suitcase and began refolding her things even though they seemed to be already folded in perfect piles.
“They don’t have to be,” I said.
I wanted to gather her in my arms, but again, she’d put a wall between us.
She sighed. “I’m not the person you think I am. Everything you think you know about me is fake.”
She could say that, but no matter what she was like on the outside, inside she was exactly the person I thought she was. She was the most amazing person I’d ever met in my life.
She kept folding those clothes, though. Not looking at me. Freezing me out. But I refused to be frozen.
Then she zipped the case shut with a finality. “I have to go, Elijah. I need to get to the station. And you should go back to your rock star life. You have it all, everything anyone could dream of. I was just another temporary thing.”
I stepped over and took hold of her hands. This close, I could smell her perfume. The perfume that had haunted my dreams since the first night.
“It doesn’t matter, Rose. I don’t know what you have going on, but nothing matters to me but you. You can’t fake who you really are. The two of us together—you can’t fake that.”
She looked up and smiled. “You don’t know the first thing about me.”
That look told me everything. If I had had any doubts about how she felt about me, that look overwrote them all. She’d never need to say she loved me in actual words, because I’d seen her face, unmasked and open. With that mask down, she was all longing and needs.
She might have a bunch of stupid shit going on in her head. but that shit meant nothing. The look only lasted a second, but it would linger inside me for the rest of my life.
She’d said I didn’t know the first thing about her, but I did know the first thing, which was. The first thing was that she wanted to be with me just as much as I wanted her. I could stand here and talk until her cab arrived. I could say all the words, but words only went so far. I wasn’t a talking man; I was a man of action.
“You’re coming with me,” I said.
“No.” Her voice was barely a whisper.
“I’m not taking no for an answer. Sorry, Rose, but I’m overruling you.”
Her eyes widened.
I lifted her off the bed and into my arms. She’d be leaving this place and getting into a cab, but she’d be leaving with me. I’d carry her if she wouldn’t come with me herself. I didn’t want to take away her free will, but she’d taken that away from herself by being unwilling to follow her heart.
She struggled a little, not as much as I’d expected. Then she wrapped her hands around my neck.
“Bruce, can you open the door for me?” I called out as I grabbed the suitcase and headed out of the apartment toward the rest of my life. “I need to get this woman out of here.”
“WHAT ARE YOU PLAYING at?” she screamed as we headed to the elevator.
“You’re being an idiot, Rose. I’m not letting you spend your life in misery. We belong together. That’s all I know.”
“Well, at least let me down. This isn’t comfortable.”
I set her down as we got into the elevator.
“What we have is an amazing thing,” I said. “I can’t just throw that away. You were the one who told me to go for the things I wanted in life.”
“I did?”
“Yep, when I was fifteen years old and thought I’d amount to nothing in this world. I’ll never forget it. You stood in that classroom, the sun streaming like a halo around you. No one had believed in me before that.”
She smoothed her hair, pushing the loose strands back behind her ears. “I can’t remember that at all. Where are you taking me?”
“I’ll book a hotel for the night. I’m taking you there, and I’m going to slowly peel the clothes from your body and pin you to the bed until you scream with more pleasure than you ever imagined possible.”
My gaze flitted over her, taking in the way her body flushed. She crossed her legs, and when she lifted her gaze to mine, that look scorched me. The sooner we got to a hotel, the better.
“And after that?”
“There is no after that. Every day of our lives will be pleasure. But you’re coming on tour with me.”
“We need to talk, Elijah.”
Of course we needed to talk, but I’d rather talk with my hands on her body. But, before either one of us could say anything, the cab pulled up.
As we sped away from her apartment, she remained silent. I’d done the grand gesture, the caveman thing. I didn’t need to talk, but one question needed to be answered.
“Do you want to come on tour with me?” I asked.
She sighed. “It’s not practical.”
“I didn’t ask that. Do you want to come with me? If you look deep within yourself, without weighing up whether it’s practical or not, without thinking of all the arguments against it, do you want to come with me?”
She turned to look out the window.
I clenched my fists. I needed her to say the words, to admit to her feelings.
“I’m sorry, Elijah,” she said, her voice barely above a whisper. “I’ve been playing a stupid game.”
She didn’t look at me. She kept her head turned, staring out the window.
I nodded but didn’t interrupt.
“I’ve been a damn fool. And now I need to go home.”
She shuffled a little. Still not looking at me, but not turned completely away, either. She stared at an advertisement on the back of the driver’s seat.
“When I first came to Amsterdam, it was fine. I ran around, experiencing it all. The art, the culture and the parties. I wanted to be a writer, to create something amazing. I thought I had talent. I’d soon make money. But I just kept getting knockbacks and rejections. All my talent had just been a delusion, nothing that could stand up to the harsh light of the real world.”
She sucked in her breath. I wondered if I should take her hand in mine, but she seemed to need space to let this out.
“I wasted all my savings coming here, and I wasted my time thinking I could be somebody. I don’t deserve you, Elijah. You could make my dreams come true so easily, but you’re in love with a fraud.” She’d balled up the edge of her hoodie in her hand. “It all fell in a heap. I lost the enthusiasm and the energy. Instead, I spent hours on my feet, working all the shifts I could to rebuild my savings. By the time I finished at the cafe, I just wanted to sleep. I’d left one routine life only to build another here. Work and commuting and all the mundane stuff that piles up. That became it. My entire life.”
That smile she gave me had way too much bitterness for my liking. Sure, she’d had a hard time, but it didn’t sound too awful to me.
The cab driver kept glancing in his rearview mirror. I wasn’t sure if he understood English. I hoped he didn’t. I didn’t want anyone listening in on this.
“If I’d been a better person, a stronger one, I’d have overcome those obstacles, but I’ve spent the past year doing nothing,” she went on. “I put things off, thinking I could take them up later, but there was never going to be a later. I had to accept that what I am is a middle-aged woman with broken dreams.”
“But you still have time. One year is nothing.”
“Maybe, but I’ve lost confidence in myself. If I’d been younger, I’d have pushed on, maybe. But at my age, it’s much harder to bounce back.”
She turned to me now. Even though she’d told me the basics of her life, she hadn’t mentioned the pain I could see written on her face. She didn’t cry, but tears had welled up in her eyes.
“When I found out that your band was coming to town, I thought I could have one last adventure before I returned home to settle down. I didn’t want to just see you, I wanted you to see the woman of your fantasies. I could become her for one night. A woman in control of her life. I knew you’d put me on a pedestal once in your life and I figured I’d be back on the pedestal again. So I borrowed an expensive dress and handbag. I got my hair done. I wanted to look like a somebody. Even the attitude I had was borrowed from somewhere. I swaggered backstage, all glamour and confidence, as though I had every right to be there, and nobody stopped me.”
“That was a good thing,” I said. I smiled at her.
I tried to ignore the driver, who was still watching us in the mirror. He could keep his eyes on the road, damn him.
“I thought the memory of that night would be enough to last me a lifetime. I didn’t need any more, just the memories. I could be your fantasy woman for one night, but I couldn’t play that role forever.”
Those tears started to fall now. Not a flood, but a trickle. I leaned over and wiped them from her face.
“So, you left.”
“To be honest, I didn’t think you’d care. A different woman every night, isn’t that what they say? I’d planned to slip out without you noticing. But, Elijah, it wasn’t so easy. I couldn’t stay away. I had to go back and watch you play again. Even then, I was lying to myself. I thought watching you from the crowd would be enough for me, but it wasn’t enough. It never would be. Every part of me ached to see you again, but I kept telling myself it’d only be a few days, then you’d leave town. I could let you go. What was the alternative? To tell you that I’d lied? To show you how pathetic my life had become? I was embarrassed. First by my life, then by my lies about it.”
I wanted to tell her that it was nothing to be embarrassed about. If anyone had been an idiot, it’d been me. That first night had all been about fulfilling my teenage fantasies, but I’d grown since then.
I put my arm around her shoulder and kept wiping away her tears.
“Then you turned up at the cafe,” she said. “I thought you knew everything. I wondered if you were angry with me, but instead, you begged me to be with you. I knew then that I couldn’t say no. It’d be impossible. And a few more days wouldn’t hurt. I could keep up the disguise without letting my pathetic life show through.”
“You know, Rose, there’s nothing pathetic about your life. You work as a waitress, and you live in a regular apartment. That’s enough for most people. It’s not like you’re doing anything bad or hurting other people.”
I stroked her hair. Her body begun to relax now. I wanted to wipe that pain from her eyes as easily as I’d wiped away her tears, but I didn’t really understand the source of that pain. Sure, she’d pretended to be richer than she was, but who cared about that kind of thing?
“I feel like I did hurt people,” she said. “All those students I’d tried to inspire. I pushed them to follow their dreams, but I abandoned mine so easily. I lied to them all. How could I return to teaching, if I’m not sure I can even face my future students now?”
The pain in her voice wrenched me. “It’s not like you can’t keep dreaming,” I said.
“I’m giving up. I’ve given up.”
She kept her head down. I put my hand under her chin and turned her face to mine. “No. I forbid it.”
“You forbid it? You can’t—”
“Yes, Rose, I can. I can forbid you from lying to yourself, and I can forbid you from lying to me, and to all those other students you inspired. You aren’t going home until this tour is finished. Then we’ll go home together. And I’ll keep believing in you, no matter what. If you fail, I’ll help you get up again. If you lose confidence, I’ll be your cheer squad. No matter what it takes, I’m not letting you give up.”
The corners of her mouth twitched, as though she wanted to smile. “I’ll never be the fantasy woman you built up in your mind.”
“Yeah, well, no woman could be,” I said. “That was a fifteen-year-old boy’s fantasy. I’ve grown up since then. I don’t want the fantasy, I want the reality. The reality is better than anything my mind could conceive.”
She sighed. “It sounds too perfect.”
“I didn’t fall in love with you because you have a designer handbag or a fancy dress or any of the other trappings. I fell in love with you because you see a side of me that no one else does. I know I can be more than just a dumb kid riding on Damo’s coattails when you’re with me. I’m not asking you to come on tour with me because it’d be an easy way out of this or any other bullshit. I’m asking you because when I wake up each morning, not even sure of what city I’m in, your face is the first thing I want to see. I’m asking you because when I go onstage, I want to see you in the crowd watching me, pushing me on. I’m asking you because there’s no other woman in this world I want to be with. Even if you have fears or doubts, we can work through them. So long as we’ve together, working side by side.”
Rose sighed. “Imagine when your fans find out you’re dating someone old enough to be your mother.”
I scoffed. “Hardly. Unless you had me when you were ten years old.”
“Eleven.”
“Anyway, that’s the least of my worries. Eleven years is nothing.”
We rounded the corner, and the rays of the setting sun hit the water beside us, making it gleam like diamonds. I wanted to tell her to give it a month, to see if things worked out, but I’d already tried that. We’d done the trial period. There’d be no more trials.
“This is forever, Rose. For better or worse. It won’t be dating, and it won’t be fooling around. I love you, and I intend to marry you. You’ve run enough. It’s time to settle down for both of us. I want kids, a family. All or nothing. I’m not lying to you. This isn’t just about coming on tour. The tour is the start of our life together.”
“Are you sure about this, Elijah?”
“Fuck, yeah, Rose. Never been surer.”
She didn’t answer for a while. Then she turned to me, the light of the setting sun creating a halo around her.
“Elijah, I lied. I loved your song. It was the most beautiful song I’d ever heard.”
“I know,” I whispered in her ear. “And if you didn’t like it, I’d write you another. I’d keep writing songs until I wrote one you loved.”
I pulled her to me and kissed her the rest of the way to the hotel.
LIKE I’D PROMISED, once we were alone, I slowly stripped off Rose’s clothes. She squirmed under my touch, urging me on. I wouldn’t hurry, though. I wanted to savor every moment of this. This sex would be different from any sex we’d had before. This would be the first time we had sex as a real couple. That seemed like something to celebrate.
“Should I order champagne?” I asked.
“Hell no. We’ve waited long enough.”
I grinned. I thought so too, but I’d been teasing.
She stood before me now in her bra and panties. “No fancy matching lingerie today. Sorry.”
“That’s not an issue,” I said, laughing.
I kissed her neck. I kissed her collarbones. I kissed her belly. “You really liked my song?” I asked.
“That’s what I said.”
“Just checking.”
“Sorry, Elijah. I know it really hurt you, but I’d become overwhelmed with all the emotions. I wanted to push you away from me.”
“You pushed and you pushed, but you can’t push me away.”
As I trailed kisses down her belly, she didn’t push me away. She grabbed my head, pulling me tighter to her. The taste of her skin delighted me. I bet her other tastes would be even better.
I reached up to unclasp her bra. It dropped to the floor. I took her breasts in my hands, the weight of them heavy as I ran my thumbs over her nipples. She sighed and arched her back. I loved hearing that sigh. I wanted to hear her sigh like that every night for the rest of our lives. I’d make her a happy woman.
I wrapped my arms around her thighs and lifted her to the bed. She sank into the soft mattress, a cheeky smile spreading over her face. Then I moved my lips down her body, nibbling on her neck, sucking on her belly, licking her armpit. She squirmed, trying to move me closer to her nipples, but that could wait. The more she wanted this, the better it would be. I gave a wicked chuckle.
“Stop laughing,” she said, pulling my head back to her body. “If you want to marry me, you’d better learn not to tease me.”
“Oh, I’m going to tease you. And you aren’t going to complain, because I’ll make you the happiest woman alive. Every night and every morning, and sometimes in the afternoon.”
I kissed and licked my way down her body, then stripped her panties off so my kisses could move to her core.
Her hands tangled in my hair as I lapped at her sweet center. I taunted her with my tongue until she screamed with pleasure. The heady scent of her arousal far more satisfying than that perfume she wore.
Even before her screams died down, she pulled me to her. “I need you to fuck me. Now.”
“Now?” I asked with a grin.
“Now!”
I entered her, knowing she was mine and always would be. No other woman existed for me. There was just Rose and me, the two of us combined as one. And, hell, that combination felt good.
I wanted to never stop fucking her. I took her gently, resisting the urge to thrust hard. I worked my hips in slow, controlled circles, watching the desire grow on her face. We were made to fit together. I’d waited a long time to fulfill a fantasy, and even longer to sate this need that went far beyond casual fucking.
My control couldn’t last. As her nails raked my back, I lunged harder, needing to fill her completely. As my need grew, so did hers. No woman could feel as good as she did. I fucked her hard, the two of us turning savage. Biting and scratching and screaming until I came inside her.
I collapsed beside her, kissing her face. We didn’t just have tonight, but the rest of our lives.
WE ARRIVED AT THE HOTEL in Brussels and checked in well before the deadline Damo had set. That’d give us a few hours to enjoy ourselves before I had to go to sound check.
Before we could even get our keys, Fartstard saw us and rushed to the reception desk. Shit, I thought. I didn’t want to waste time socializing with him.
“Good thing you’re back,” Fartstard said. “All hell has broken loose.”
God, could we have a few days on tour without any drama? I bet it was just some overreaction by Damo. The sound desk at the venue wasn’t up to his standards or one of the cables wasn’t long enough or something else was marring the perfection he demanded.
I raised an eyebrow. “This had better be important,” I said. “I have things to do.” I squeezed Rose’s hand.
“Yeah, but we can’t talk here,” he said. He glanced at the clerk, obviously not wanting to talk in front of him.
We walked over to a seating area, and Fartstard looked around to see if anyone was within hearing distance, even though the lobby was pretty much empty. I was surprised he’d even talk in front of Rose, since he was being such a drama queen. I was sure this top-secret stuff was nothing.
“It happened last night.”
So, not a technical issue, then. “What happened?” The guy could just spit it out rather than hint around it.
He looked around again, then fixed me in his gaze. “Polly caught Fay in Crow’s room. Naked!”
I put my hand to my forehead. Firecracker would be in a ton of shit, but, really, was it that bad? “But, good on Crow,” I said. “It’s been coming for a while. And I’m sure Polly will get over it eventually. She just needs a few days to get used to the idea.”
I started to get up. I’d heard the gossip; now, it was back to bed.
“Crow didn’t know,” Fartstard said. “He was having a drink with Damo, and Fay talked the desk clerk into giving her his room key. She snuck into his room, stripped off and got in his bed.”
I wanted to give him a little hoot. It might’ve caused shock waves with Polly, but the little Firecracker had some nerve. I had to give that to her. She didn’t muck around when she wanted something. “Still, it’ll blow over,” I said.
“Probably, probably. But watch what you say at the moment. Polly isn’t talking to Crow or Fay. She’s barely talking to Damo, because he won’t do a thing about it. He’s ignoring the whole thing. What can he do, though, buddy? He can’t throw Fay off the tour, and he definitely can’t throw Crow off. Damo says they’re adults, and they can do what they want. It’s been Tension City here. You’re lucky you’ve been out of town. It’s been hell on me.”
I couldn’t imagine how any of it had impacted Fartstard in any way. He might’ve had to put with some bitching, but that was it. Maybe a bit of screaming. I was with Damo. They were adults. Let them work it out.
“Thanks for the heads-up,” I said. “But I need to get to my room.”
I grabbed Rose’s hand, and we headed upstairs. We only had a few hours before I had to go to sound check. Life was never boring on tour, for sure, but right now the tour could look after itself. This was Elijah and Rose time.