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IT MIGHT NOT HAVE BEEN the best idea I’d ever had, but once it gripped hold of me, I couldn’t think about anything else. Who knew that it’d lead to so much trouble?
My life ruled. Really. I found it hard to believe myself, sometimes.
Not that long ago, I’d been lazing around watching Netflix and wondering what to do with my life. Then my cousin Polly had phoned, and I’d been skyrocketed from regular college student to fronting her band on this European tour. I’d always known I was destined for greatness, but I hadn’t expected it to happen so suddenly.
Of course, I was only a provisional member of Wreckage. I’d replaced Polly’s ex, Miles, the big jerk. My whole reason for being in the group was that I knew their songs, including the bass parts. But, hey, their desperation was my gain. And theirs. I rocked the heck out of fronting that band because I had way more charisma than Miles.
There was only one black cloud.
Crow.
Not Crow himself, but I wanted it to be Crow and Fay. The two of us, together. Friendship was all well and good, but I wanted a whole lot more than friendship. Convincing him of that would have been a whole lot easier if Polly hadn’t been dead set against it. She’d become a bit creepy about keeping the two of us apart. Not only did she feel like she was responsible for me, but because she dated Damo, the lead singer of the Freaks, she’d kind of taken over as mother hen of the whole tour. Damo hated drama, and he hated being disturbed, so making sure Damo had the peace and quiet he loved had become Polly’s mission.
The whole lot of us—my band, Wreckage, and the headliner band for this tour, the Freaks, plus assorted management—had bussed from Amsterdam to Brussels, arriving late in the afternoon.
Of course, there were a lot more crew on the tour, but they had their own bus and their own schedules. We got the night off while they had to set everything up for tomorrow’s show.
We were only playing a few shows here before the Freaks hit Paris to headline a big festival there. Then both bands would be playing Paris.
See, that’s how much my life ruled. I’d be onstage in Paris. Not that Brussels wasn’t awesome, too. But Paris would be extra-special.
When I left home, Mom had told me to defer study for the year so I had something to come back to. I’d agreed, but I had no intention of ever going back. I’d have to be dragged kicking and screaming from this life.
We checked into the hotel, and I went to my room.
I’d only had time to shower when Polly called to say everyone was going to dinner. Yikes, I needed to find something to wear. Something sexy but not too sexy. Jeans and a tight t-shirt fit the bill.
We got to the cafe, just a standard burger bar with pop art prints on the walls and bright colors everywhere. Jax and Damo pushed a couple of tables together to fit us all in. While they did that, I moved closed to Crow. That way, when Damo and Jax finished, I’d be sure we’d be sitting together. If only Damo would stop his fussing.
Sitting together at dinner wasn’t such a bit deal, but maybe I could convince Crow that the two of us should go out drinking afterward. Just the two of us, not in a group.
Before we seated ourselves, Polly wedged her way between Crow and me. She put her arm around my neck.
“How’s it going here, kids?” she asked. Then she pushed us toward the table, making sure she sat between us.
I groaned. Every single time I started getting close to him, she did that. It wasn’t that she didn’t like Crow; she just didn’t approve of the two of us together. But Polly should just mind her own business instead of interfering with mine all the time. Even though I appreciated her asking me to join Wreckage, the way she tried to rule my life was proving a real pain in the butt.
“What do you think?” she asked, handing me a menu.
I handed it back to her. “Whatever,” I said. “I’m not that hungry.”
My stomach rumbled. I could eat a horse. I just didn’t want to say that to Polly. And, sure, that probably proved my immaturity to her, but I wanted her to know I was annoyed. Instead, she ignored me and discussed the burger options with Damo, leaning over Crow to do it.
When the waitress came over, I folded my arms and didn’t order, but no one noticed. They were too busy ordering their own food. Even Crow put in an order. I could die of starvation before anyone cared.
When the waitress started walking off, I called her back. I grabbed one of the menus off the table.
“The double beef bonanza,” I told her. “Cheese and bacon fries on the side.”
Starving myself wouldn’t hurt Polly, just me.
I hated the way Polly made me feel like the naughty kid. She didn’t need to watch me constantly or monitor my behavior. I was more tightly controlled on tour than I was at home. So much for sex, drugs and rock ’n’ roll. This was more like work, work and work. Things were easier when Elijah was around. He became a buffer between Polly and me. When sparks started flying, he’d make some stupid crack and totally defuse things. But Elijah had rushed off to win his lady love and wouldn’t be back tonight.
While Polly was distracted, I managed to get in a glance at Crow.
No matter what Polly or anyone else said, Crow didn’t have any malice in him. He was the sort of guy who looked tough but would cry if he saw a puppy get hurt. Other people didn’t notice the way his dark eyes sparkled when he was happy or the way they dulled when something bad happened. Just because he didn’t like to mouth off didn’t mean he was hard to communicate with. He just didn’t like talking too much.
And then, when he was really happy, he got those crinkles around his eyes. Every time, that made my heart leap. I wanted to make him especially happy so I could see those crinkles as often as possible.
Crow would never be considered as mainstream good-looking as Elijah, but he had a depth to his face that Elijah lacked.
Crow looked back at me. That glance zinged right through me, making my toes curl and my hair stand on end. He could say what he liked about wanting to stay friends, but that glance told a whole other story, and that story would have “X-rated” slapped all over it.
Then Polly moved to block my view of him. As much as I loved my cousin, I hated her sometimes.
When my burger arrived, I cheered up. That was one awesome-looking burger.
“You’re quiet tonight, Firecracker,” Jax said from across the table.
I wanted to yell at him for calling me Firecracker. That was Elijah’s nickname for me, and I hated it. But I had a mouthful of burger.
Finally, I got it down and could speak.
“The name’s Fay, to you, mister,” I said. “And, yeah, I’m tired from all the traveling today.”
“Not going out drinking with the rest of us? We’re thinking about hitting one of the rock clubs in town.”
I tried to check Crow’s reaction to that. If he wanted to go, I’d go, but otherwise, I wasn’t too keen. And maybe if he stayed back, I could get him alone. Nothing would ever progress between Crow and me without us having some alone time. Not that alone time had been that productive, either. Like everyone else on this tour, Crow treated me like a kid sister. If that was all, I’d leave him alone, but he didn’t really think of me as a kid sister, not one bit.
“What about you, Crow?” Jax asked. “You’ll be up for a drink, yeah?”
I couldn’t see his face. Not with Polly blocking me. I’d have to squirm around in my seat, and that’d look obvious.
“Yeah, maybe just a couple,” Crow said.
Damn, if I changed my mind about going to the bar now, Polly would watch me like a hawk.
That was when I had my brilliant idea.
If I went back to the hotel alone, she’d think I was having an early night. But I didn’t have to go back to my own bed. That desk clerk at the hotel would give me the key to Crow’s room if I batted my eyelashes at him.
Luckily, I no longer had to share a room with Polly, so she’d get back to the hotel and think I was sound asleep.
I just had to prove to Crow that I was serious. I mean, what man would say no to a hot chick naked in their bed? Not many, that’s for certain.
I hugged myself over the brilliance of my plan. Okay, there might’ve been a few flaws, but I didn’t want to think about that. I’d focus on the important stuff, like Crow realizing I was much more than the kid sister type. Once we were established as a couple, there’d be nothing Polly could do about it.
I could barely eat my cheese and bacon fries with the excitement welling up in me, and it took a lot to turn me off cheese and bacon fries.
“So, you going?” Jax asked me again.
“Nah, I really need an early night. It’s okay for you guys, but I have the spotlight on me. I can’t look old and decrepit out there onstage.”
Ha, just like I’d intended, that got them all fired up. They were too busy arguing over who the decrepit ones were that I could plan this out in peace.
“You okay to get back to the hotel alone?” Polly asked as they were leaving. “I could walk back with you.”
I rolled my eyes at her. “It’s a couple of blocks. I’ll be fine.”
I shot her a sweet smile. I’d be totally fine, no doubt about that.
RATHER THAN GOING STRAIGHT to the front desk, I lingered around the reception area. The clerk I wanted had another guest with him, and the other girl working didn’t look like she’d fall for my charms. She had serious business written all over her.
Finally, the other guest moved off. I walked up and leaned on the desk, telling the clerk my room number.
“Can I grab the key to 1201 too?” I asked. “Damn dopey drummer thinks he left his music on quite loud. He doesn’t want to disturb the other guests, so he asked me to turn it off for him.”
The clerk grinned. “It shouldn’t be a problem. We have top-class soundproofing.”
Drat. That wasn’t part of my plan. I leaned over farther, like I had something really confidential to say.
“Dude, you have no idea. This guy’s half-deaf, you know, from all that drumming. He has his music really loud. Maximum bass, too. My room’s near his. It’s going to be a total pain in the butt for me if I can hear it. I’m a really light sleeper. I’ll just run up, turn it off, and bring the key right back down.”
He hesitated, so I grinned. That sweet grin that showed up my dimples.
He grabbed the key out of the slot behind him and handed it to me. “Don’t tell anyone I did this. It’s strictly against hotel rules.”
“No problem,” I said, and I winked. “I’ll be right back with it.”
I acted cool until I got in the elevator, then I did a happy dance. So far, so good.
When I got to our floor, I opened Crow’s door, then put the latch over to keep it open while I ran back downstairs. There was no one else on our floor except the bands and crew, and they were all out drinking. That’d be no safety concern at all. Were there security cameras on this floor? Would they see me sneak back there? I’d worry about that if I got sprung.
I got straight back in the elevator and returned the keys.
“He’s a damn fool,” I said to the clerk, rolling my eyes. “He hadn’t even left it on. Damn brain-addled musos.”
The clerk laughed and took the key out of my hand. “Better safe than sorry, I guess.”
I nodded and rushed back upstairs. If I sent a text to Crow, telling him there was a surprise waiting in his room, he might hurry back, but that could backfire badly. I didn’t want Polly getting suspicious and following him back here. He’d said he’d only stay out for a drink or two. Crow was no party animal.
While I waited, I looked around his room. He kept his room really neat. Well, barren more than neat. My room was a disaster. I’d thrown everything out of my case trying to find an outfit to wear to dinner, then I’d upended my makeup bag on the dresser. As soon as I arrived at a new place, all the photos had to go up wherever I could prop them in the room, too. Photos of my family and friends. I loved having those reminders close to me.
Crow didn’t seem to have much in his room. Just his clothes and some spare drumsticks. Not one personal touch. If it hadn’t been for that faint smell of his, I could be in any random room.
I gave the room a quick scan. It was his room, wasn’t it? I hadn’t gotten the number wrong? This could be a world-class disaster if I’d screwed up.
Without one personal item to check, I went to the wardrobe and took out one of his shirts. I put it to my face and breathed in the smell of it. Happiness crept through my body. That smell always reassured me.
I wasn’t in his room to snoop, though. I had seduction to plan.
Should I be fully naked or just half-dressed?
Fully naked would be more comfortable.
I quickly got undressed and jumped into his bed. I lay on my back, my hair artfully arranged on the pillow, but that lasted about two minutes. Waiting for someone in their bed wasn’t exactly that exciting.
I hopped back up and got my phone out of my jeans pocket. I could put it away when I heard him coming and go back to my seductive poses.
Hopefully, Crow wouldn’t be much longer. I wondered what it would feel like when he kissed me, that bushy beard pushed against my face. I’d never been kissed by a guy with a beard before. Would it be bristly or soft? Maybe soft like a hairy cloud. Then he’d kiss his way down my body, and that beard would tickle my skin.
I squirmed just thinking about that. Oh, it would tickle so nicely. I’d have to keep quiet too and not giggle out loud in case the others heard me. Maybe I’d have to get him to gag me, or at least put his hand over my mouth.
Just the thought of those kisses made my body rush with heat. My stomach fluttered. Oh, tonight would be perfect.
Surely, he’d be back soon. How long did a couple of drinks take? An hour, maybe?
I checked the time. I’d been here for twenty minutes. Damn. It seemed much longer. I hoped my lipstick hadn’t smudged. If I got out of bed to fix it, he’d surely come back, and I’d be naked and in some weird position. I didn’t want to risk that, but staying in bed was boring.
None of my friends were online because of the time difference, so I couldn’t chat. I’d read a book. That would give me something to do until he got back.
Only, I must’ve drifted off to sleep. A noise just outside the door woke me. Where was I? Strange bed, strange room. Oh yeah: Crow. My phone must have slipped out of my hand onto the bed beside me. I put it on the nightstand, then propped myself up on my elbows with the sheet covering me. Covering me a bit too much. I nudged it down a little.
I tried arranging my hair again. I wanted his first sight of me in this bed to be perfect. I turned on the bedside light so it hit me like a spotlight.
The door opened. I bit my bottom lip. This would be the moment. He had to be happy to see me here—he just had to.
“Hello...” I said as he walked into the room.
Only it wasn’t Crow. It was Polly.
Damn shit.
I screamed.
She screamed.
This was not the night I’d had in mind.
“GET DRESSED AND GET back your own room,” she said. She didn’t shout, but her voice had a cold, sharp edge.
I was going to explain that she really had no right to tell me what to do. I was an adult and responsible for myself. But one look at her face made me forget that. A word out of place, and she’d start swinging punches.
I jumped up, covering myself with my hands. I grabbed my clothes and ran into the bathroom.
I ran the cold water and splashed my cheeks, but cold water wasn’t enough to stop the burning. If I took my time getting dressed, I could delay facing Polly, but then I risked Crow returning to find a very angry Polly in his room. That would be worse than any punishment she could inflict on me.
After she’d dragged me back to my room, instead of leaving, she stayed with me. I sat on the edge of my bed, trying to ignore her pacing around like a caged tiger. If she just yelled at me and got it out of her system, it’d be much better than that pacing.
When she got out her phone, I asked who she was calling.
“Crow. I want to know what the hell he was playing at.”
“He didn’t know.” I didn’t look up, but I needed to tell her that. He had no blame in this.
“What?”
“I decided on my own. I wanted to surprise him.”
She slammed her phone down on the table and spun around to face me. “Are you an idiot? Why the hell would you do that? You aren’t some crazed groupie. Jeez, Fay, I don’t know what to do with you. It’s driving me nuts, having to constantly watch you in case you do something wrong.”
Her jaw jutted in that way it did when she got stubborn. I knew it well. My mom was the same. I probably was, too.
“You could stop,” I said, standing up to face her. “You could stop playing mother hen and actually let me spend some time alone with Crow. Why don’t you worry about your own shit, like Damo, instead of hovering around me?”
My heart pounded but I had to have my say.
“Yeah, and if anything happens to you, I’m the one who’ll have to face your mother. I wanted you on this tour, and I promised her I’d look after you. I have to make sure you’re okay.”
“What? You think I’m going to do something stupid, like get knocked up?”
“No, I think you’re going to do something stupid like get your heart broken. You don’t know Crow.”
That was all she had. That I didn’t know him.
“You don’t know him. You’ve hardly spoken to him. He’s a good guy, and you’re judging him based on nothing.”
“He has shadows. I can’t explain it, but there are things not right with him.”
My body grew tense. So tense I might snap. I didn’t want to rile Polly up any more than she was, but I couldn’t let her say things like that about Crow. It was so damn judgmental.
“Because he’s quiet and keeps to himself? That’s not abnormal, it’s just the kind of guy he is. He doesn’t need to pounce around like Damo and Elijah, proving what a big man he is.”
Polly sighed. “It’s more than that. Even Damo thinks there are secrets in Crow’s past.”
I resisted saying that I didn’t give a fig about Damo’s opinion.
“Does he know what they are? Does anyone? It’s all tour rumors and bullshit. He’s one of the sweetest guys I’ve ever met. He wouldn’t hurt a fly. So, get off his case and get off mine. This is all becoming a bore.”
She raked her hands through her hair. “How do I get you to understand? He’s not the man for you. You need someone more your own age and... I don’t know. Just not Crow.”
“There’s nothing for me to understand. You don’t make sense.”
I huffed and sat back on the bed. Polly sat herself down on the sofa. We both folded our arms.
“I’m spending the night here,” I said.
“Oh, no, you’re not.”
“Try to stop me.”
I considered picking her up and throwing her out the door, but I wasn’t sure if I was capable of that. Instead, I sat on the bed and glowered at her. She glowered back. The two of us would’ve sat like that all night if Damo hadn’t knocked on my door.
“Polly, you there?” he asked.
She got up and opened the door. Damo came into my room.
“I found her in Crow’s bed. Naked. She says Crow didn’t know.”
Damo faced me. I waited for another lecture, but the corners of his mouth twitched like he wanted to laugh but not in front of Polly. That twitching made me want to laugh, too. This might be as embarrassing as hell, but it was kind of funny too. I must’ve looked like such an idiot when Polly walked into that room.
“What am I going to do with her?” Polly asked Damo.
Damo shrugged. “She’s old enough to make up her own mind. Just let her be.”
Yes! Damo was on my side. I bet he’d had too much of Polly interfering in my life instead of being all lovey-dovey with him.
But then he turned to me. “Just, maybe, take it a bit easy. It could give a man a real fright walking into his room and finding someone in his bed. And what if he’d picked up some chick at the bar?”
“What? Is some bitch chatting him up?” I got up and grabbed my jacket.
Damo caught my arm. “I was speaking hypothetically. He and Jax are sitting in a corner talking drums.”
I sat back down.
Then Fartstard, the tour manager, turned up. Was the entire tour going to end up in my room? And damn Polly poured the whole story out to him. She could shut her cake hole instead of letting everyone know what I’d done. I’d never hear the end of this. Being naked in someone’s bed leading to hot, all-night sex was one thing. Being naked in someone’s bed and being dragged out by your cousin was a whole other matter. An embarrassing one.
I sighed.
“Tell him,” Polly said to Fartstard. “Tell Damo we can’t let Fay do as she likes.”
Polly had her hands on her hips and her chest out in fight mode. Poor Damo.
“Can you all get out of my room now?” I said. “I need to sleep.”
“I’m staying here,” Polly said.
“No, you’re not.” Damo grabbed her arm.
“What if she tries again?”
“I’m not going to try again,” I said, sinking back on my bed. “I just want to sleep. This has been way too much drama for me.”
Crow would find out about this. If not tonight, then in the morning. God, that would be the most humiliating thing of all. Would he be embarrassed about it, or would he be secretly annoyed that I’d gotten caught?
“What were you doing in Crow’s room, anyway?” I asked Polly.
“He had some demos of Damo’s. I came to pick them up. And good thing, too.”
Fuck my life.
CROW BARELY LOOKED at me when I went down to the breakfast buffet the next morning. Shitsticks, had I ruined things with him? My brilliant idea hadn’t been so brilliant after all. Now I felt like a big loser, and everyone kept side-eying me. I’d be the talk of the tour for the next day, at least.
I stacked my plate with bacon, then looked around for somewhere to sit. Polly and Damo sat at one end of a long table. I headed to the other end of that table. I didn’t want Polly scowling at me over my bacon. I hated being on bad terms with her, but I knew her well enough that when she got like this, it was best to keep my distance.
And I could hardly sit down beside Crow. I could imagine Polly’s reaction to that.
This was some fancy breakfast buffet. I was becoming an expert on them with this tour. Maybe I could start a breakfast buffet blog. The place even had a guy who cooked eggs to your request. I’d have been all over that any other morning, but today I just wanted to eat and get out of here. Now I knew how Elijah had felt when everyone was mocking him. It definitely wasn’t as much fun when I was the target.
A couple of the roadies gave me prolonged glances. I gave them the finger and went back to my bacon. If they thought I’d be jumping into their beds, they could forget it. Crow was the only man for me. I’d decided that back in Berlin, and Amsterdam had confirmed it. Brussels was meant to seal the deal, but the deal wasn’t being sealed.
Jax sat down beside me. Then Matt and Fiona joined us.
I didn’t like that grin on Jax’s face.
“Don’t start. Don’t even start,” I told him. I looked down at my plate, not wanting to see the laughter in his eyes.
“What’s going on?” Matt asked. “I feel like I miss half the stuff that happens on this tour.”
“That’s because you and Fiona cocoon yourselves up, away from everybody else,” Jax said. “You never hang out, and you never come drinking. You’re got to socialize sometimes.”
A weird expression flitted over Fiona’s face. I had no idea what was going on, but she really didn’t seem comfortable. She’d had a pretty wild reputation in the past. The whole world knew that. It wasn’t a hidden thing. If she wanted to live that reputation down now, that was her business. She and Matt seemed really happy together. Sometimes I envied their closeness. They didn’t seem to need anyone else.
“They don’t have to socialize,” I said. “It’s not like they’re missing out on anything, just boring talk about gear. Drinking with you guys isn’t exactly riveting.”
I smiled at Fiona, and she smiled back. If she had secrets, she should be allowed to keep them. I’d never spoken to her much. She kind of intimidated me, being a famous model and all. But then she’d helped out, giving us tips at the last photography shoot, and I’d wanted to learn more from her. Also, it’d be better to hang out with someone other than Polly for a while.
“Hey, Fiona, can you teach me how you do your eyeliner sometime?” I asked her. “I can never get mine quite right, and I end up with panda eyes onstage.”
“Sure,” she said, and nodded.
A chair scraped on the tile floor, and Crow got up from the table. I bolted down the rest of my bacon and followed him. We needed to talk. And we needed to do that somewhere without a hundred eyes on us.
He waited for the elevator. I rushed over and grabbed his arm.
“Hey,” I said.
Only I had no idea what to follow that with. What do you say in a situation like this? “Sorry I got sprung naked in your bed”? That didn’t seem appropriate. I wasn’t sorry I did it, anyway, just that I’d gotten caught.
Instead of talking, my entire body went into blush-mode. I could count the times I’d been lost for words on one hand, and this was definitely one of them.
I knew he looked at me, waiting for me to talk, but I couldn’t look back. Instead, I stared at that black hotel logo on the green carpet. That was some ugly but probably expensive carpet. I wanted to make a joke about it with Crow, but this wasn’t the right time. I didn’t know what this was the time for.
The elevator dinged. Now I’d have to get in with Crow, still not knowing what to say. The two of us alone in that tiny space. I hated feeling this uncomfortable around him.
The doors shut.
“Fay, you can’t pull stunts like that,” Crow said.
“I wasn’t... I didn’t...” What the hell was I trying to say?
“You’re a good friend, Fay. Like a little sister. Well, not my sister. She’s nothing like you.”
I nodded, still looking at the floor. That was a brush-off. I wasn’t stupid.
“Let’s just keep things like they are,” he added.
I had to look up at him. I’d never be his little sister. I could be like that with Elijah and Damo and Jax, but never with Crow.
“I can’t. I’m not going to lie to you,” I said. I forced myself to look him in the eye, no matter how much I fluttered inside. “You might think of me as a little sister, but I don’t see you as a big brother. Far from it. This ‘friends only’ thing doesn’t work for me, and I think if you were honest, it wouldn’t work for you.”
He shook his head. Not like he was saying no, but like he had a thought in there that he wanted to go away.
With that beard covering his face, it was difficult to read his expression, but as much as he denied my words, his eyes said something different. He didn’t look at me like a guy looked at his sister. Not unless they came from a very dysfunctional family.
That prolonged gaze burned through me. It smoldered enough to burn me all the way through, stirring me up inside. He didn’t need to touch me or talk or anything like that. His gaze was enough.
The man wanted me as much as I wanted him, but something held him back. Something more than Polly. There was some big wall in his head, and I had knock it down. I could do that. I could be the bulldozer to his brick wall.
I longed to touch him. To reach out and grab his hand or stroke his arm. We didn’t need to kiss, even. I just needed my body in contact with his. Surely, that wouldn’t hurt.
But before I could act, the elevator doors opened, and he strode off to his room, leaving me alone.
I RUSHED AFTER CROW. We needed to talk. Talk properly, not leave things up in the air like that.
He’d reached his room before I caught up to him. He’d just swiped his door card and had the door open.
“Go back to your own room, Fay,” he said.
Instead of doing that, I slipped under his arm and into his room. He wouldn’t get rid of me that easily.
“You’re lying,” I said. “You’re lying to me, and you’re lying to yourself. You can say all you like about me being your little sister, but that’s total bull. You want more than that, so admit it.”
He tried to push past me to get into his room, but I refused to move. I wouldn’t let him ignore me that easily. I needed to make him see that this was best for us.
He put his hands on my waist and lifted me up out of his way.
A shudder went through my body from that touch. Even when he moved away, the feeling of his hands on me remained. My entire body flushed, and for a moment, I couldn’t speak.
“We aren’t right for each other,” he said.
He organized some things in his closet, but that was just an excuse not to look at me. I’d seen his stuff, and it didn’t need reorganizing.
“How do you know if you haven’t given us a chance?”
“I know. You’re a kid, Fay. You don’t know what you want.”
He could say that, but that want pulsated through me. There wasn’t one part of my body that didn’t feel that want. My hair, my toes, the lint in my belly button. Every single part. And, hell, that want pulsated in more urgent places.
“I know what I want,” I said. “I want you.”
I thought he’d ignore that. The silence stretched out with only the sound of the cleaners chatting in the hallway breaking it. Then he took a few steps toward me.
That pulsing got stronger. His gaze swept over me, so strong that it felt like a caress. I gulped.
“You have the body of a woman, but you’re not.”
I bit my bottom lip. “Try me,” I said.
He laughed. “You’re getting in way over your head.”
“That’s where I want to be,” I replied.
He moved closer. I could smell him, and the woodsy scent of him teased me. Only inches separated us. He wasn’t like his normal self. There was a danger to him, and I had to admit that danger aroused me.
“Is it?”
“Yes, it is,” I said, tilting my head to face him.
Before I could say more, he pushed me against the wall. His body pressed against mine.
“Are you sure?” he growled in my ear.
I nodded.
My heart pounded and I thought I’d combust with the heat. But this was exactly what I wanted. His body against mine, his breath on my skin.
He grabbed my wrists and raised my hands above my head.
Oh, hell. I made a noise partway between a moan and a whimper. His body pressed tighter. His leg parted mine. His chest pressed hard against my breasts. I squirmed, needing him even closer to me. Needing him naked. Needing him inside me. If he meant to put me off, he was going about it entirely the wrong way.
His lips met mine, rough and demanding. He intended his kiss to punish me with brutal force. He wanted to repel me, but instead he flooded me with an intense desire that needed to be sated. I kissed back just as hard and just as brutally, my body meeting his, my leg twisting around him.
He released my hands, grabbed my thighs instead and hoisted me up against the wall. His hard cock met my pussy, rubbing against me in rough thrusts, making me wish he’d strip these damn jeans from me.
He kissed me so roughly, my mouth would bruise. I didn’t care. I kissed him back just as fiercely. His fingers dug into my thighs as I bucked against him.
If he thought this darkness in him would repel me, he couldn’t be more wrong. It called to me.
As he nipped my neck, I moaned, wanting more and more. Whatever he wanted to give, I’d take it. I bite him back, partly to suppress my screams.
He lifted me away from the wall and carried me towards the bed.
I ached so much. I couldn’t get my clothes off fast enough. My fingers dug into his shoulders, gripping him tight. My hold on this world was tenuous, and real soon, he’d tip me over the edge.
When he lowered me to the bed, he paused, looking at me as though searching my face for something. I whimpered, needing more than that. What was he doing with his hands? If they weren’t on my body, then they were in the wrong place. I raised myself up, wanting to pull him to me.
Instead, he turned away.
“Go back to your room, Fay,” he said.
“No.”
Hell, no. He couldn’t leave me like this. I was so fucking hot and wet. If we didn’t finish this, it’d be pure torture. I grabbed his hand.
“Crow... What’s going on?”
He pulled me up off the bed and straightened my t-shirt. “This isn’t right,” he said. “Why don’t you go back to your room and finger yourself? You’ll stay out of trouble that way.”
I wanted to stamp my feet and scream. The bastard. He’d whipped up all this need inside me, then he was sending me back to my room? And since when did Crow talk coarse like that? Even if it was kind of hot, it wasn’t him.
“Are you angry with me?” he said. “Stay that way. It’s much safer.”
I took a deep breath, trying to get myself together enough to go back to my room without my legs trembling.
“Well, you’re a... a... clit teaser,” I said.
I stormed back to my room. What the hell had happened there?
I brushed my fingers over my lips. They were a little sore, but he’d kissed me. He’d kissed me, then he’d sent me away. What had gone wrong?
––––––––
ELIJAH WAS BACK, AND he had Rose with him. That guy owed me. He’d still be sitting around being a miserable sack of shit if I hadn’t pushed him into going after her. Even if I hadn’t been motivated to go for it with Crow before, seeing the two of them together proved that you never get what you want in this life by sitting back and waiting for someone to hand it to you on a big, shiny silver platter. Crow could tease me as much as he liked. It wouldn’t stop me going for him.
The two of them were on the bus, heading to the arena. I wanted to talk to him, but he gave me “stay the hell away” eyes. I laughed. He was terrified I’d make him look like a dick in front of his woman. Ha. I’d leave them alone for now.
Crow didn’t join us on the bus. He must’ve gone earlier with Damo to double-check things. Well, Damo would be double-checking. Crow was avoiding me. Polly wasn’t around, either. I was thankful for that.
I sat by myself, trying to figure things out in my head. I knew what Crow had been doing, but I had no idea how he could get that far, then stop. There was no way I’d have been able to stop. I didn’t have that much self-control. As it was, I’d spent a long time under a cold shower when I got back to my room. Anything to take the edge off my pounding need.
We headed off to the arena, then we had to wait around for the Freaks to do their thing. Hanging out in the backstage room with Polly was not my idea of fun. She sat on a sofa, reading a magazine, but she kept glaring up at me. Those looks of mistrust bugged me so much. What did she think I’d do? Rip my clothes off and throw myself at Crow while he sat at his drum kit? I wasn’t that desperate.
I sighed and turned away from her. I’d keep my eyes on my phone and ignore her.
Then Fiona came into our room. I grinned at her, pleased for the distraction.
“Did you want me to show you how to do the eyeliner now?” she said.
“Hell yeah.” Saved.
We set up at one of the mirrors, and Fiona carefully went through the steps. Whoa—no wonder her makeup looked so much better than mine. She actually used primers and all that. It was a very complicated process, but wow, the results were worth it.
“Enjoying the tour?” I asked her.
I wasn’t sure if she was that into it or if she was just tagging along because of Matty.
“It’s fun,” she said. “I’ve spent so many years traveling the world, but I never got to see anything. It was all just work and more work. Maybe a bit of partying, but I spend more time on the catwalk than sightseeing.”
I sighed. Her life seemed so glamorous. Even when she put it like that, she got to be on the catwalks and in the magazines. I’d never be able to do that. Not unless I magically grew a helluva lot. She was about a foot taller than me.
“Even with Matty playing most nights, we still get a chance to get out and do things,” she said. “It’s not like—”
She stopped herself there. Again, she didn’t want to talk about her past. I got that.
“The festival in Paris will be fun,” I said. “I can’t wait.”
Polly threw her magazine down on the sofa. “We’re not going to the festival. We’re not on the bill.” Her voice was so sharp, you could cut rocks with it.
“Yeah, but I assumed we’d go along anyway. It’ll be fun, being part of the crowd. We can chill, catch some bands, have a few beers.”
I watched her in the mirror. She glared at me. I glared back. She was so unfair. It wasn’t like I’d get up to anything worse at the festival than I could do here. I wasn’t going to say that to her, though, because it’d put the idea in her head that I was up to something here.
Which I wasn’t.
Because of her.
I thanked Fiona for the makeup tips. She nodded, then quickly left the room. I didn’t blame her. The tension between Polly and me had become toxic. I’d leave just as quickly if I could.
“We’re not going. We need to rehearse, and since we have three days off, it’s the perfect opportunity.”
“But—”
“No buts. We have to be as good as, if not better than, the Freaks. We might be the opener on this tour, but I want to kick their ass.”
That was all lies. I wanted to call her on it, but I bit my tongue instead. Sure, we needed to rehearse, but not this weekend.
“I think Damo’s bad habits are wearing off on you,” Jax said, walking into the room. “I’d like to go to the festival.”
Polly turned her angry face on him. “We need to do this. We’re good, but we’re not good enough. And, frankly, it’s a lot cheaper to hire a rehearsal studio here than it is to get one in Paris. So we play the three shows here, ending up on Friday night. The guys leave on Saturday for Paris, and we head to the studio. They do the festival show on Sunday, and we meet up with them in Paris on Tuesday. Got it?”
“Okay, we rehearse,” Jax said.
Soft cock. He totally could’ve overruled her. He’d been in Wreckage just as long as she had. He had equal rights. I never felt like I did, since I’d only been part of the lineup for a short time. If he’d stood up to her, it’d be two against one, and we’d win.
This was all bullshit, or Polly would’ve told us earlier. She might say it was about rehearsing, but it had to be about keeping me away from Crow.
I’d made real progress with him, and now we’d be apart, even if it was only for a few nights. If you’re not moving forward in this world, you’re going backwards. Like when you ignore your Instagram for a few days and lose a thousand followers.
But screw that shit. Polly and Jax could rehearse their hearts out. I’d hop on a train and go to the festival on my own. I hated being controlled. I’d play along with Polly for now, let her think that her bossy-boots attitude had me under control, but the minute we got offstage on Friday night, I’d hop a train to Paris and be far away from her grasp.
This plan was even more brilliant than the last one.
I LOVED BEING ONSTAGE. There was no denying it. The spotlight on me, the screams from the crowd, the adoring glances, I lapped it all up. I never understood Crow with his stage fright. I had the opposite: a fear of being anonymous.
Every time I walked out on that stage, my feet never touched the floor. I soared above it all. I was made for this. I grabbed hold of the microphone and screamed out greetings to the crowd. I wasn’t sure if what I said made sense, but it didn’t need to.
We thundered into our first song, Polly all darkness and me all light. With every show we’d done, my confidence had grown. I owned that stage now. Tonight, my body buzzed with the energy. The songs practically bubbled out of me. I growled and I purred and I whipped that crowd into a bunch of wild things.
This was where I came alive. In my everyday life, people might say I was too loud and too full-on, but when I got onstage, there was no “too loud” and no “too full-on”. I had a personality made for performing. Damo might get away with that quiet, humble thing, but mostly the crowd wanted to live out their fantasies.
We’d almost finished when I noticed Crow watching me. I didn’t think he’d ever done that before. Normally, he had enough to deal with, trying to get over his nerves before he went onstage himself.
I didn’t look at him. I couldn’t. Not while I sang. But I fumbled the words.
I never fumbled. My body froze for a split second. What did I do? That split second seemed like an eternity. Then I blew a kiss to the crowd and kept on singing.
They ate that up. No one cared that I messed up, not one little bit. Well, none of the audience cared. Polly sure wasn’t happy. I couldn’t help it, though.
I couldn’t glance back over to Crow. Not if I wanted to finish our set without screwing up again.
When our set finished, Elijah grabbed me.
“Hey, Firecracker. Getting yourself in trouble without me here to keep you in line?”
“I have Polly to keep me in line,” I told him. “No trouble for me.”
He laughed. I looked around for Crow, but he’d disappeared. Elijah was on his own.
When I got backstage, Polly waited with her arms crossed. We were the only ones back there. Rose and Fiona had gone up to watch the Freaks play. Jax rushed into the room, grabbed a clean t-shirt out of his bag and rushed off again. He had a hot date, by the look of it.
“I’m sorry,” I said, preempting her nags. “It won’t happen again.”
“See now why we have to rehearse more?”
I nodded, looking all meek and mild, and she grinned back. If this rock thing didn’t work out, I could get a job as an actress.
“We should head back to the hotel,” she said.
“Now? With the Freaks still onstage?” We always waited for them to finish.
“Yeah, now.”
I wanted to protest, then I remembered that I had to act all goody-two-shoes. “What about Damo? You’ll miss him out there.”
“I’ve seen him plenty,” she said.
I nodded. I could miss the Freaks playing this once. I had to think of my end game.
“Okay. I’m pretty starved. Can we go get something to eat on the way?”
She was really grinning now, thinking she’d won. “Sure thing. Burgers?”
I groaned. “Why is it always burgers?”
“Because that’s what’s open late at night. We could go kebabs? Pizza?”
“Whatever you like.”
I checked myself in the mirror. Fiona’s makeup really did suit me. It seemed a shame to waste it on a cheap burger joint.
“Okay, let’s go,” Polly said.
We ended up getting pizza and having a fun night. I didn’t even try to see Crow when they came back to the hotel. I could hear them talking, but I stayed in my room, planning my escape.
I had one major obstacle to overcome. I couldn’t turn up at the festival and hope to see Crow. There’d be a million girls trying to get into the backstage area, and I’d just be one of them. Security wouldn’t know who I was. I had to get a pass.
The next morning, I got Fartstard alone.
“Can you get me an access pass for the festival?” I asked him.
He scratched his head. “I can, but I don’t know if I should. I thought you guys were staying here.”
I nodded, then shot him my brightest smile. “Just in case, you know. Polly might change her mind at the last minute, and I want to be prepared. Come on, you’re the man. You’re the one who can make it happen.”
“Sure,” he said.
Awesome. With that sorted, the rest of my plan would fall into place. Good old Fartstard.
After the show that night, everyone wanted to go to a bar.
“I think I want an early night,” I said.
If I went out drinking, Polly would hover over me all night. It’d be a total pain in the butt with her doing that, and rather than waste money having a shit time, I’d have a decent sleep.
“Okay, I’ll go back too,” she said.
I gave her a look. “You don’t have to do that,” I said.
She glared back.
“Seriously,” I said. “I plan on sleeping. I’m not that comfortable around some of the crew at the moment, with all the gossip about me, and you shouldn’t miss out on time with Damo because of me. I’ll behave. Pinky promise.”
I held out my pinky finger like I used to when we were kids. Polly laughed and hooked fingers with me.
“You’d better behave. Look at this,” she said, holding out a strand of her hair to me. “You’re turning me gray! Premature aging.”
“Actually, Polly, I think that’s because you’re old. I mean, you’re nearly thirty.”
She slapped my arm. “I’m nowhere near thirty.”
The two of us giggled. It was much nicer being on tour without the strain. Even if I was only pretending to make her happy, I was much more relaxed.
I got back to the hotel and started watching a movie on my tablet, but I fell asleep before it’d barely even started. I really had been more tired than I thought.
I didn’t know how long I’d slept, but a banging woke me up. Damn crew had obviously gotten back drunk and were making a racket in the hallway. I put my pillow over my head. They’d collapse in a drunken heap soon.
The banging didn’t stop. It was on my door. Hells. What was going on?
I wasn’t sure I wanted to open the door in case one of those sleazy roadies had the wrong idea.
Unless it was Crow.
That had to be it. He’d waited until the others were drunk and had come back so we could be alone. A smile crept over my face as I opened the door.
Polly pushed past me into my room.
My heart sank. Not only was she not Crow, but she was red-faced and angry.
“What the fuck do you think you’re playing at?” she screamed.
“Sleeping,” I answered. “Well, I was until you woke me up.”
“You asked Fartstard to get you a laminate for the festival? I can’t trust you for a minute.”
My stomach dropped to the ground. This would not go well for me. I had no excuse I could give. But Fartstard had betrayed me.
“That bastard. He told you?”
I’d kill him. He’d promised he’d get it for me, but he’d gone running behind my back to Polly. I’d never trust him again.
“You aren’t a child, Fay. Stop playing these stupid games.” Her hands balled up into fists.
“Yes, Polly, I’m not a child, so stop treating me like one. If I want to go to the festival, I should be allowed to go.” I put my hands on my hips.
“You are not going to that festival, and that’s the end of it. I don’t want to kick you out of the group, but I’ll send you home to your mother if I have to.”
That was the threat I’d hoped never to hear. I wanted to be on this tour. I wanted it more than anything, almost. But did I want it more than I wanted Crow? I guessed if I got kicked off the tour, I’d have no music career and no him. I’d lose everything.
Polly swanned out of my room, trying to slam the door behind her. It didn’t slam, and I walked over and locked it. My heart had become heavy. I’d be kicked out, my career over before it had even started.
As I snibbed the door, something hit me. If Polly kicked me off the tour, she’d be screwed too. She could get me in at the last minute to fill in for Miles because I knew their songs. But there was no one she could get to fill in for me. They’d be off the tour themselves. Polly would never do that.
I had the upper hand here, but I wouldn’t show that too soon.
I LEANED MY BASS AGAINST the amp in the dingy rehearsal room.
“Haven’t we rehearsed enough?” I asked. “I’m not a machine. My voice is hoarse, and my fingers are falling off.”
Polly huffed. She’d have us playing all night if she could.
“I’ve got no drumming left in me, anyway,” Jax said.
Polly checked her watch. “I guess we should head back to the hotel for some rest.”
She couldn’t fool me. I knew why she checked the time, and it had nothing to do with getting some rest. She wanted to make sure that the last train for Paris had left the station. I’d be stuck here until morning. Then she’d have me back at rehearsal first thing.
That plan was so transparent.
“I guess we can call it a day,” she said.
The rehearsal had been a wash, anyway. With Polly and me at each other’s throats, the songs didn’t come together. We could play the same song a thousand times, but without that connection, it would always sound like shit. If Polly wanted us tighter, she could loosen the reins a little.
Crow would be at the festival now. Actually, the festival would’ve finished for the day and they’d be at their hotel. I missed him. I’d barely seen him for the last few days—not since that morning. I blushed. Just thinking about that morning made my body heat up. I didn’t want Polly seeing those thoughts written on my face, so I tried to think of other things. Safe things.
But, hell, those thoughts kept creeping back. The way he’d kissed me. The way he’d looked at me. He’d wanted to devour me, and I sure wanted to be devoured. He could do all the devouring he liked.
“Okay, we’ll be back bright and early,” Polly said.
“Why don’t we just put down our coats and curl up on this shitty, prickly carpet?” I said. “That’ll save time, and we’d be ready to start when we wake up.”
Polly sneered at me.
I followed her out of the studio, and we got an Uber back to the hotel.
“Want to grab something to eat?” she asked.
“I’m good,” I told her.
I wanted to get to my room and away from her, even if it meant going hungry. She’d been a pain in the butt ever since Fartstard had told her about me wanting the pass.
But when I got back to my room, I couldn’t sleep. I could only think of Crow. If I had a day with him, a day without Polly around, I was sure things would work out between us.
I’d been an idiot relying on Fartstard. I should’ve asked Elijah. I could trust him.
Since I couldn’t sleep, I paced my room. Then I got online and checked out when the first train ran in the morning. But if had that information, so did Polly. She’d make sure I couldn’t catch it. Damn it. If I had a car, I could drive to the festival. I had no idea how to get there, but that was what GPS was for.
Or I could hitchhike.
I shook my head. Hitchhiking would be too dangerous, especially at this time of night. I should just go back to sleep. I’d see Crow on Tuesday. But on Tuesday, Polly would probably redouble her efforts to keep us apart.
Hitching a ride was the only way. Hitchhiking in Europe was a lot more accepted than it was at home. I’d totally be able to do it. If I left now, I’d be at the festival grounds bright and early.
I threw some things into a bag. I didn’t need much for one night. Some makeup and a change of underwear.
I had to get out of the hotel without Polly seeing me, but we’d been back from rehearsal for a few hours, and she wouldn’t be watching me so closely with the Freaks out of town. If she did spot me, I could say I was going out to get something to eat. That would totally work.
I quietly closed the hotel room door behind me and crept to the elevator. That part had been easy, but what next? I couldn’t just stick my thumb out to get a ride in the middle of the city.
I got out my phone and checked out a map of the city. I could get an Uber to the highway and go from there.
Polly would kill me; I knew that. And I could understand things from her point of view. But from her point of view, I was still twelve years old, with pigtails and freckles. She’d never see me as older than that. I had to prove myself, and this was the way to do it. If I stayed in Brussels, she’d have won.
I got to the highway without a problem.
“Sure this is the right place?” the Uber driver asked as he pulled over.
“Yep. I’m going to hitch a ride to Paris.”
The driver shook his head. “Be careful.”
I didn’t really grasp the “middle of nowhere” concept until the Uber took off, leaving me there alone. I sure as hell hadn’t considered that this would be a spooky-as-hell industrial area. Some sickly-looking trees grew along the side of the road, and on the other side of them was a bunch of graffiti-covered warehouses.
Maybe, if I was quick, that Uber would still be in the area. Because otherwise it’d take forever for a driver to get out here, and I might be dead by then.
There wasn’t much traffic on the highway. I stood by the side of the road, debating whether I should turn back while I still could. The thought of being safe and warm in my hotel bed appealed to me a lot, but Crow appealed more.
A car came toward me. What kind of people would be driving at this time of night? Weirdos, that’s who.
I put out my thumb, just a little. Part of me panicked. They might be ax murderers or something worse. Did I really want to get in a car with strangers? But I’d committed myself now. I was here, on this highway. The sun would be up in an hour.
This was the stupidest idea I’d ever had. It had seemed to make sense back at the hotel, but now that I was out here on the side of the highway, in the dark and the cold, I wanted to run back to bed.
No, that wasn’t an option. If I wanted Crow, I needed the chance to convince him. I couldn’t wait until Tuesday. I had to see him now.
Still, going back to the hotel...
Before I could keep arguing with myself, a car pulled over on the verge of the road. My heart pounded. Did I want to get in or not? I walked slowly toward it, a big part of me wanting to run.
I could run. It was an option. If I went slow enough, maybe the car would take off, and the decision would be made for me.
Then the driver’s door opened. A girl around my age jumped out.
“Do you want a lift or not?”
I guessed I did. She looked safe, and that was a definite sign that this was the right thing to do.
––––––––
CARRIE, THE DRIVER, dropped me off at the hotel. I sat in the foyer, looking all scruffy and dirty. The staff kept side-eying me, but no one said anything. I got out my phone and messaged Crow.
I’m here. I’m in the lobby.
There was nothing to do but wait. I’d thought of not letting him know. I’d be able to get an access pass for the concert from Elijah, and I could just appear backstage, but that idea had so much potential for disaster. I also thought about messaging Polly, but I wanted to talk to Crow first. Also, I didn’t want everyone in the lobby to hear her scream at me over the phone.
I found a sofa to sit on while I waited. I wished I’d gotten something to eat first. My stomach rumbled. I needed some kind of nourishment.
“What are you doing here?”
I stared up at Crow. He wasn’t smiling.
“I needed to see you. I needed to see you without Polly interfering.”
“All hell is going to break loose. You know that. She’ll freak out, thinking you could be dead in a ditch somewhere. You need to tell her, and then head back on the next train.”
I pouted. He could be more pleased to see me.
“Can I at least have a shower? I’m all stinky. And you know, since I’m already here, it wouldn’t hurt to go to the festival. It’s not like I’d get back in time to rehearse, anyway.”
He scratched his head. “I’m not sure. Ring Polly and see what she says. I don’t want any trouble.”
I grinned. There wasn’t much Polly could do while I was this far away, and I’d get to be naked in Crow’s room. That would put plenty of temptation in his way.
We went up to his room. When I had some privacy, I called Polly.
She sighed when she answered the phone. At least she wasn’t yelling. “I guess I know where you are,” she said.
“You’d guess right.” I didn’t want to sound too happy in case it got her mad.
“Fay, you are the biggest idiot. I have no idea how you got there, but if you do anything like that again, I’ll throttle you. You could’ve died.”
“Well, I didn’t. I’m fine.”
“Let me talk to Crow,” she said.
I didn’t want to, but I had no choice. I handed him the phone. He turned his back to me so I couldn’t see his face. All I heard was a few mumbles from him.
When he turned back, I peeled my t-shirt off.
“What are you doing?” he asked.
“Having a shower, like we agreed.”
He grabbed his bag out of the wardrobe and slung it over his shoulder.
“Wait... What? Where are you going?” I asked him. He wasn’t just going out for food, because he had all his stuff.
“Damo’s room. You can stay for the festival, but you’ll be staying here alone.”
Before I could protest, he walked out of the room. This was not part of my plan. What had happened to those passionate kisses? The way he stared at me until my body burned? I didn’t like this new iciness.
Still, I could stay the night. He might be all business now, but later tonight, he’d feel differently. I just had to bide my time. I jumped in the shower, then dressed and redid my makeup. I was more than ready for this festival.
I waited near the elevator for the others so we could get the bus to the festival.
“Whoa, Firecracker,” Elijah said when he saw me. “You’re turning into a bundle of trouble.”
He ruffled my hair, which really annoyed me.
I wasn’t trying to be trouble. I just knew what I wanted, and I went for it. Was that a bad thing? If Crow really didn’t want me, I’d have backed off, but I had no reason to think that.
“It worked for you,” I said to him, and nodded at Rose.
“You’re right about that. Want to be flower girl at our wedding?”
He really did think I was a little kid.
“Flower girl? I’m not a little kid. Tell me you’re joking, or I’ll kill you before you get to the altar. Hey, wedding?”
“Yep, no more screwing around for me. The ball and chain is firmly on.”
I laughed at him. He could say that, but anyone could see from the way he glowed that he loved it, and he loved Rose.
“You’re going to have hell to pay when you see Polly again,” he said. “I would not want to be in your shoes. She’s one scary lady when she’s angry.”
“Well, so am I,” I told him.
My heart wasn’t in that, though. Crow’s reaction had taken the wind out of my sails. Maybe I’d made a huge mistake coming here. When I left Brussels, I’d wanted to prove a point to Polly, but with some time to think about it, I realized I had been stupid. She really did have reason to be angry with me.
“Ease off a bit,” Elijah said quietly. “Guys like to be the hunter.”
I scoffed. “In what century?”
“In all centuries. You don’t have to be all meek and mild, just back off a bit. Don’t scare the guy.”
I folded my arms and leaned against the wall. Screw Elijah and his advice. I didn’t scare Crow. He was a whole different person from Elijah. The whole time we’d been in Amsterdam, I’d been laid back and friendly, and that hadn’t worked at all. We’d hung out and had fun, but if we’d stayed like that, we’d have been at the friend’s level for the rest of our lives. I didn’t want to be friends with Crow. I wanted the full experience.
Soon, the bus arrived. Fartstard came to gather us up. He did a double take when he saw me.
“Yeah, I’m here, despite your betrayal,” I said.
“Sorry, but if I’m going to be in anyone’s bad books, your books are much preferable to Damo and Polly’s. It’s just expedient, that’s all.”
He could say that, but he needn’t expect me to be friendly to him ever again.
Crow turned up just as we were ready to leave. I smiled at him, but he ignored me. That cut right down to the bone. We got on the bus, and Damo sat down beside me.
“Are you going to give me a proxy lecture from Polly?” I asked.
“Nope, but, Fay, you’re really interfering with my love life. She’s become totally focused on you. She has nothing left for me.”
I’d thought it might be like that, but I hadn’t asked to be Polly’s first priority.
“Maybe you should talk to her about that, not me. Her obsession with my sex life is becoming a bit creepy.”
“She feels responsible for you. The whole family thing. It’s not that she wants to make you miserable. She just doesn’t want to see you hurt.”
“Why does everyone think I’m going to get hurt? I can have a happily ever after,” I said.
“You can. I’m not denying that. What I am denying is that your happily ever after will be with Crow. He’s a great guy, a fantastic drummer, but he’s no knight in shining armor, by any means.”
I looked out the window, not answering him. Why would I want a knight in shining armor? Would a white knight push me against the wall and kiss me until my lips bruised and my insides screamed for his touch? Because, now I’d had that, I wouldn’t be happy with anything less.
––––––––
THAT SHITHEAD FARTSTARD had to give me an all-access pass in the end, because I couldn’t get in without it. The festival grounds thronged with people. The sun shone. The smell of greasy food filled the air, and the music was so loud, the ground trembled. Despite Crow’s reaction, excitement rushed through me. I loved a rock festival.
We jumped out of the van, and I looked around the backstage area. This place was lush. Tarpaulins separated all the different band areas, and slap-bang in the middle was a row of food trucks. I’d get to hang out with real rock stars, not this bunch of bozos. Sure, they might be the headliners of the festival, but I’d seen them at their worst. They held no mystique for me anymore. Well, except for Crow. He had plenty of mystique, but not rock mystique.
I had no idea why everyone was so against him. Not one single person could give me one solid example of why Crow was wrong for me. They just talked nonsense.
He got out of the van, but before I could say anything to him, he walked off. I stared after him, not sure whether to follow or not.
“Come with us and stop gawking,” Elijah said. “We have to find our space, and you won’t know where it is if you wander off.”
I took off after him. I really wanted to go watch some of the bands, but if I didn’t know where the Freaks were set up, I’d never find my way back.
When we got to their space, I gazed around. They had it all going on. A fridge full of drinks running off a generator. Sofas and a few beanbags set around the place. Lockers to put their stuff in. One day, all this would be mine. We’d be the ones headlining festivals. As much as Polly’s nagging bugged me, I could see why she wanted to hit the big time. Not that we were slumming it on the tour, by any means. We had those fancy hotels, but having luxury was so much more awesome when other people could see you had it.
I snapped a few photos. I needed to update my Instagram with this. The world needed to see me here.
“Do you get foot massages too?” I asked.
“Probably,” Elijah said. “If you ask for them.”
He slumped down on the sofa with a beer in his hand. Rose sat with him.
I tossed up between going to see some of the bands playing or waiting around for Crow. He might not come back for hours, though. He really didn’t want to be seen talking to me.
“I’m heading out,” I said. “I’m far too young and pretty to hang out here with you oldies all day.”
“Chuck your bag in the locker,” Elijah said. “You don’t want to worry about being rolled in the crowd.”
I nodded, then took out my phone and a few bucks and put them in my pocket.
“If you want food, it’s all free,” Damo told me. “Just flash your pass at the vans.”
“Holy cow! You’re kidding me. That’s about as good as life gets.”
Damo and Elijah laughed. They were so jaded. Once you got complacent about free food, it was a downhill slide from there. I’d be eating my fill of that food.
I rushed off, stopping to get a taco. It was true. I just flashed my pass and voila, food. Then I headed out of the VIP area to join the regular people.
There were a few bands I wanted to see apart from the Freaks. I slammed myself into the middle of the crowd. It’d been a while since I’d seen a live band from this side. I wanted to zone out and enjoy the music, but playing with Wreckage had surely wrecked me, because all I could think about was whether I could copy some of those moves and if we’d be better off playing our songs more like that. All the business side. Would I be ruined for life? Damn, I’d never expected that to happen.
A few hours later, I headed back to the VIP area. On my way, I planned out the food I’d eat. Definitely another one of those tacos and maybe a burger and some of that curry. My stomach rumbled at the thought. I thought there was a van selling crepes, too. I might have to go back for them later.
I stood in the queue for the tacos. Tacos were definitely the gold ticket item. Everyone wanted a taco. Then I grabbed my burger and a drink. I was in the queue for the curry when some jerk bumped me, and my delicious burger fell from my hands. I looked down, hoping it was still safe in its container. Nope. Burger splatted all over the ground.
“Watch it,” I said to the guy.
“You watch it. You’re getting a bit uppity for some slutty groupie,” he said.
I was about to give him some lip about that. Double jerk. But suddenly he was slammed up against the side of the van. Crow. Where had he come from?
He had the guy by the shirt front, towering over him. Double Jerk trembled.
“Sorry, dude. Didn’t know she was with you.”
Crow had his fist raised, about to slam it into the guy’s face. “Don’t speak to any woman like that, asshole.”
My heart flipped. Damo had said he wasn’t a knight in shining armor, but it didn’t get any more shining than that. That jerk was almost shitting his pants.
“Don’t hit him,” I said. “He’s not worth the effort.”
Emotions fluttered over Crow’s face, like he warred with himself. Finally, he let the guy go, and the guy ran off as fast as he could.
“And don’t be a jerk again,” I called after him. “You owe me a burger.”
The guy didn’t look back.
“I’ll get you another burger,” Crow said, and he strode off. But he’d have to come back to give that burger to me. We’d walk back to the Freaks’ area together, and I’d have a burger and curry. That jerk might be a jerk alright, but he’d helped bring Crow and me closer together, so he wasn’t all bad.
––––––––
“YOU’VE GOT TO BE CAREFUL around some of these guys,” Crow said as we walked back. “They’re used to having women throw themselves at them. They’ve never learned any manners.”
I bit my lip. I’d been one of those women, but then I’d only thrown myself at Crow, not just any rock star. And it wouldn’t matter what Crow did for a living. He could be a mechanic or a cook or an accountant, and I’d feel the same. Well, maybe not an accountant. But a mechanic would be hot. My car would be broken down by the side of the road, and he’d stop to help me get it going. He’d get all hot and sweaty and have to strip his shirt off. Then I’d hand him a bottle of cold water. And next thing, he’d have bent me over that car and...
We’d arrived back at our area. The only ones there were Elijah and Rose. I had no idea where the others had gone, but the fewer people, the better.
“Got enough food there, Firecracker,” Elijah said.
“Well, no, I haven’t,” I replied. “I’m going back for crepes later.”
I put my food down on the table, Crow adding my burger to the pile. Then I pulled up a chair.
“We should get something to eat,” Rose said, standing up. “I’m famished.”
She and Elijah left. Elijah gave me a sly wink on his way out.
Crow got up to follow them.
“You don’t have to run away from me,” I said.
“I’m not running.”
“You’re running. Sit down and eat. Surely, we can spend a few minutes together. We’re in a semi-public place.”
He grinned and sat down on the sofa. I sat at the table. We didn’t talk because my mouth was full of food, and Crow didn’t talk much anyway.
“The burger isn’t as good as the tacos,” I said eventually.
“Damn, I didn’t get a taco.”
“We could go back and get one,” I said.
“Nah, I’ll give it a miss,” he said, rubbing his stomach.
I’d forgotten that his pre-show nerves could upset his stomach.
I took a gulp of my drink. We were talking like normal people. That had to be good. That easiness we’d had between us had vanished, though. I worried over every word, not wanting another “leave me alone” lecture. I didn’t need to hear that again.
“This band is pretty shit,” I said, wanting to say something.
We could hear them from back here. The strains of music weren’t as loud as out front but still clear.
“I guess we’re not in the best spot to hear them, but, yeah, they’re shit.”
I laughed. So did Crow.
“What are Damo and the others doing?”
“Damo’s being his usual control freak self. Fartstard and the others are tailing him. I’m not sure if it’s to help him or get him out of trouble if he pushes too hard.”
I nodded. I was about to mention how awesome it’d be to play to a crowd this size, but I figured that wouldn’t help with the nerves.
“How did you get here?” he asked. “Damo said you couldn’t have caught the train.”
I gulped. He wouldn’t be happy when I told him, but I couldn’t lie.
“I hitchhiked.”
He leaned forward, his eyes crinkling in a very non-sexy way. “What? Fay, no.”
“It was okay. I got a lift with this awesome chick. Carrie. She was fun.”
“It could’ve ended badly,” he said.
“I know. I was almost going to run back to the hotel when I got to the highway, but she pulled up, and I figured I’d be safe with another chick.”
He nodded. “You’re too impetuous.”
“I’ve been told that before.” Then I looked up at him, and I couldn’t stop myself from smiling. His mouth twitched a little, then he smiled too.
That smile hit me fair in the stomach. He knew how to take a girl’s breath away.
Before I could get too giddy over smiles, Elijah and Rose arrived back.
“Still got your clothes on, Fay? That’s good to see,” Elijah said with a grin.
I’d have thrown the rest of my burger at him, but I didn’t want to waste it. That wasn’t even funny.
“Still got all your teeth. That won’t last long if you don’t keep your mouth shut,” I told him.
He laughed. “You’d need a stepladder to punch me.”
“Stop teasing,” Rose said. “I’m sure Fay’s sick of it all.” Then she turned to me. “We got you a crepe.”
“This is why you’re my favorite person on this tour,” I said, taking the crepe from her. “Choco banana, my favorite, too.”
Then Damo and the others came back.
“Thirty minutes and we’re on,” Damo said. “We’d better start making a move.”
Fartstard looked at my crepe. “Where do you put all that food?” he asked. “You eat a ton every day, and you’re still tiny.”
“Maybe because I’m not weighed down by my fat, betraying heart,” I told him.
He walked off in a huff, but he had totally deserved that. And that was only the start of my revenge plan. My crepe tasted all the sweeter for that sick burn on Fartstard.
The guys got ready to go onstage.
“Let’s watch together,” Rose said. “I’m glad I’m not alone.”
Yay, one person glad I’d turned up. Then I looked around.
“Where’s Fiona?” I asked.
Damo shrugged. “She and Matt are around somewhere. He’ll turn up to play on time, and that’s the main thing.”
I hadn’t seen either of them all day, but they kind of faded into the background. Fiona had enough of the spotlight in this life.
The sun had just started to set as we walked up to the main stage. The band onstage were finishing their set. They were even worse this close up. How had they even gotten on the festival bill?
The guys set up on the second stage.
I waited at the side of the stage, finally able to relax. From here, it looked like the crowd stretched out forever. It made me want to play a festival like this one day. Not just play, but headline like the Freaks.
While we waited, a lot of the other musos joined us. Faces I recognized, stars I’d listened to for years, stood beside me. That was pretty cool too.
“Where’s Matty?” I asked Rose. “Shouldn’t he be onstage by now?”
He hadn’t turned up yet. I hoped nothing was wrong. They could play without him—he’d only joined them at the beginning of this tour, and they’d been a three-piece group for years—but it would really put them off their game.
Crow sat behind his drum kit. His hands trembled a little, but no one would notice that but me. As soon as they started, he’d be fine. I wished I could do something to help, but I knew I never could. At that moment, just before the lights shone on the band and the music started, you could be with tens of thousands of people, you could be with your bandmates, and you could be with the one you loved. But for those few minutes, you were always alone.
MATTY RAN IN AT THE last moment. Damo really didn’t look happy, but as the cheers for the last band died down, he turned to face the crowd, all business.
Then the lights hit them, and the massive crowd all screamed as one. We’d played to some decent crowds, but that was like an endless sea of people. I couldn’t even conceive of how many people were in that crowd.
“Well, hello,” Elijah said, cupping his microphone in his hand.
The screams got louder.
“Are you ready?” he yelled. “Are. You. Ready?”
I thought the screams would never stop. That energy—you could feel it, even standing here. It came off the crowd in waves.
I looked at Crow. He grinned. He was fine now.
Then they started playing. Those bozos really knew how to put it on. Even Elijah was no longer the big dork he normally was, but a shining god instead. He had all the sex appeal onstage. Damo was more the romantic dream. He had his own appeal, but it wasn’t raw sex like Elijah. I wondered how Rose felt about that. A good number of the women in the crowd would be thinking about sex with him. He’d be screwing them like crazy in their fantasies.
Crow got a lot less attention sitting at the back, but there’d be enough people who noticed him. Especially a few songs in, when he stripped off his shirt. That got way too many cheers for my liking. Those chicks could keep their eyes off him and look at Elijah.
Their show on this stage had a whole extra dimension to it than on the tour. It all became larger than life. They sizzled, and the energy from the crowd became stronger. I watched them, all moving in time like one solid mass. A few beach balls were floating over them. I could only pick out faces in the front few rows. Sweaty, sunburnt people, singing along with all their hearts.
Then I turned back to Crow. With his arms bare, you could really see the muscles ripple as he bashed the drums. One of the camera guys squatted beside him, projecting that up onto the big screens. The real thing up this close was so much better. He had amazing arms. If Elijah had arms like that, he’d never wear sleeves, but Crow didn’t flaunt it.
I wanted them to go on forever. The music floated around me, seemed to pick me up. I could stand this close to Crow and look at him all I liked. He really loved playing, and that passion made me care for him all the more. I could never feel anything for a guy who wasn’t passionate about things. I’d spent enough of my life around slackers.
They finished up their set with crowd going frantic. The Freaks did an encore song, and that got them even more worked up. I was pretty worked up myself. Their show was over, and it’d been so great. The silence they left behind had me feeling empty.
I wasn’t sure what to do with myself as the guys got up. They’d go backstage, but I didn’t know if they wanted to be alone for a while or what. After a normal show, we all hung out together, but this had been different. It’d been magic.
Before I could move, Crow grabbed hold of me.
He didn’t just grab me; he picked me up in the air and swung me around. His beard tickled against my cheek. I held him tight. This was the perfect end to their show. I was in his arms, and it felt like heaven.
It became even more perfect when he pressed his lips against mine. This time, he kissed me slowly. Gently. Nothing like that kiss from before. I kissed him back. He tasted of burger, but then so would I. I sank into him, wanting this kiss to last forever. The crowd keep screaming, and it seemed like they were screaming for us. My heart screamed just as loud.
That kiss proved it. It proved everything. Things between us had shifted.
But just as suddenly as he’d lifted me up, he let me down. He grabbed a towel from one of the crew and wiped himself down, then walked off.
Huh?
What had that been about?
Would he have kissed any girl who’d been standing here? I didn’t know. I’d never seen him even look at anyone else before. Not so much as a glance.
Rose and Elijah went back to the VIP area, and I tagged along with them, still shell-shocked. I needed answers.
Crow wasn’t in the Freaks’ area when I got back there.
I sat alone at the table, not sure what to do. Damo and the crew stood around chatting about the show. Elijah and Rose were wrapped up in each other, literally. Matt had disappeared again.
“Hey, Damo, is that food area still open?” I asked.
He looked at his watch. “Yeah, for the next half-hour or so. You’d better run if you want stuff before they sell out, though.”
I nodded. I wasn’t even hungry, but standing in a food line beat the hell out of sitting around here, being all awkward. It wasn’t like I’d say no to another of those tacos.
I got to the food vans. The taco line was long again. I looked around, wondering if this was where Crow had got to, but I couldn’t see him anywhere. That guy drove me crazy with his attitude. I could still taste him on my lips and smell him on my skin, but he’d run off like that.
The line moved slowly. They’d better not run out of tacos before I got to the front. I traced circles in the dirt with my foot. I wasn’t even in a hurry, just anxious.
Finally, I got to the front of the line.
“We only have two chicken left,” the girl said.
“I’ll take them.”
I waited for her to make them up, then headed back to the Freaks. Even if I was ignored, I could eat my food and maybe have a beer. The world seemed flat and dull, but who knew. Maybe Crow had returned and maybe he had a good excuse for running out on me.
“Hey there, girlie,” someone said as I walked back.
Shit. It was the double jerk from before. I screwed up my nose and kept walking.
He grabbed my arm. “Don’t screw up your nose at me,” he said. “Don’t you know who I am?”
Actually, I didn’t.
“Yeah, you’re the jerk from before. Listen, I’m not interested, so take your hand off me.”
I tried to walk off, but his grip tightened. He moved his body closer to me. Way too close. His breath stank, and he really needed a shower.
“Your beardy boyfriend isn’t here to rescue you this time,” he said.
I twisted, trying to get out of his grasp. He put his other hand on me so I couldn’t get loose.
“I shouldn’t need him here. I need you to stop being a jerk.”
He laughed. “Come on, sweetie. You’re hot to trot. Don’t put on that bullshit.”
“I’m hot to kick your ass,” I said.
I wasn’t sure how I’d do that, since he was a lot bigger than me and I had my hands full with tacos. Then he started pulling me. If he got me inside his closed-off area, I’d be screwed. He had a hold of me from behind, so I couldn’t strike out at him or rub one of those tacos in his face. All I could do was kick back at him, but my foot didn’t connect.
A few people walked past, and I screamed out. Surely, they’d stop him. But they just laughed. Who did that? It was obvious the guy was being a dick.
I struggled, but he was way too strong for me. Someone had to help me, but there was no one else around.
––––––––
I KEPT SCREAMING, BUT no one cared. There was music playing in about ten different spots around the VIP area, and no one would even hear me unless they were close.
“Let go of me, you stupid jerk!” I screamed. “I’m not interested!”
He ignored me. I dropped the tacos and tried to hold on to one of the metal poles holding those tarps up, but my fingers were all greasy from the tacos, and he easily pulled me away. I had no chance against him.
“Settle down,” he said. “I just want to talk.”
“You don’t talk by mauling people,” I told him.
I’d fight this bastard to the death if I had to. I couldn’t count on Crow coming to rescue me again. I couldn’t count on anyone.
This guy’s area wasn’t nearly as fancy as the Freaks’, but he had a sofa, and he threw me on it.
“Come on, just a little taste,” he said. He started undoing his belt buckle.
Hell, no. I jumped up off that sofa and rushed out of there. He tried to grab me again, but he was too slow. I ran as fast as I could, my feet bouncing on the rubber mats under me until I got to the Freaks’ area.
“What’s wrong, Firecracker?” Elijah asked. “All out of tacos?”
I tried to answer but couldn’t talk. Then he looked at me and put his arms around me.
“What’s wrong?”
I didn’t want to say. People kept saying I’d get myself in trouble, but I’d only gone to get a taco. It wasn’t like I’d been doing anything wrong. I couldn’t tell him anyway because every time I tried to talk, it came out as a dry sob.
Then Crow walked in. He saw me in Elijah’s arms.
Damn. The way his face dropped. This was not good.
“It’s not like it looks,” I said, pulling away from Elijah.
“It looks like you’re upset and Elijah’s comforting you,” he said. “Is that right?”
I nodded.
“What happened?” His dark eyes flashed.
I didn’t want to tell him. He’d tried to punch the guy earlier. If I told him about this, I didn’t know how he’d react. This could mean trouble. But I couldn’t lie to him, either.
“Nothing. I’m overreacting,” I told him. “It’s fine.” I forced myself to smile.
He put his hands on my shoulders. “Don’t lie to me,” he said. “It takes a lot to wipe that bubbly smile off your face. You’re a little ray of sunshine. Now, tell me.”
I wanted to rest my head on his chest. I wanted him to tell me it was okay. But I did not want to tell him what had happened.
“Promise you won’t do anything,” I said.
“I can’t promise that,” he said. “But I’ll try.”
The music buzzed around us, an annoying mish-mash of noise. People whooped somewhere in the distance. I didn’t want to tell him. I wanted to get far away from here.
“It was stupid. I’m overreacting, I tell you. That guy, the jerk who knocked my burger—he was being a dick.”
“Did he touch you?”
I hesitated. The look on Crow’s face suggested he might kill the guy. I didn’t want him doing anything stupid.
“Where is he?” Crow asked. I didn’t want to answer, but he turned to Elijah. “That electro guy, Elijah, what’s his name?”
“Bilson?”
“Yep, that’s him.”
Crow strode out.
“Go with him, Lij. Make sure he doesn’t do anything stupid,” I said.
Elijah nodded and took off after Crow.
Rose put her arm around me and led me to the sofa. I sat down, but I couldn’t keep my hands still.
“You didn’t do anything wrong,” she said. “And Elijah will make sure Crow doesn’t do anything stupid. Just wait for them to come back.”
I tried to smile. “I shouldn’t have—”
“There’s nothing you shouldn’t have done. Well, except the hitchhiking. But going to get some food—you should be able to do that without some idiot molesting you.”
I nodded.
She started talking about the show. Asking me questions. I knew what she was doing: trying to distract me. But it helped a little. I was just worried that Crow would punch him, and he’d end up being the one in trouble. Even so, a part of me wanted him to grind that guy into the ground. Make mincemeat out of him. The freaky creep.
“I shouldn’t have said anything.”
“Even if you hadn’t, it was clear when you walked back in here that something was wrong. Even Elijah noticed, and he’s not the most switched-on guy in the world. You were as white as a ghost.”
“If I’d stayed back in Brussels—”
“He’d have attacked someone else. It’s sad it had to be you, but guys like that are just shits.”
I pulled my knees up to my chest. This wasn’t the way this night was supposed to go.
“At least you got away from him,” Rose said.
I nodded again. I could still feel his hands on my shoulders. I’d had guys be a bit overly keen before, but that had been different. A few stern words and they’d backed off, but that guy wouldn’t ever have backed off. And those people who’d seen him dragging me, had seen me screaming, and they’d laughed. The world could be a really shitty place at times.
“They’re taking a while,” I said.
“They’ll be fine. You really care about him a lot,” she said.
“I do. Everyone keeps telling me to stay away from him, but he’s not a bad person,” I said. “Although he scared me a little. The way he looked.”
“He’s a good person. I bet it takes a lot to anger him, but when he gets fired up, it’s for real. That’s not a good thing, but it’s not a bad thing, either, so long as he knows how to control it.”
I got up and grabbed one of the beers. I wasn’t sure if I should be drinking when I was so worked up, but I wanted something to hold in my hands. I didn’t even open it, just picked at the label.
Finally, Crow and Elijah returned. I looked from Crow to Elijah, hoping to find some kind of clue as to what had happened, but I wasn’t sure.
“It’s taken care of,” Crow said. “Now, we’re going back to the hotel. We’re supposed to wait, but Fartstard’s made special arrangements.”
I got up and followed him. I needed him to tell me what had happened, but he wouldn’t talk unless he wanted to. And right now, it seemed he didn’t want to.
CROW TOLD ME WHAT HAD happened on the drive back to the hotel. We were both sitting in the back of the van. I leaned on Crow, wanting to feel the strength of him. His solidness soothed me.
The two of them had found the jerk, but he’d tried to laugh everything off. He said I’d led him on, then got scared.
“I did nothing to lead him on,” I said.
“I know that,” he said. “The guy’s a dick.”
Then Crow had grabbed him. “I had him in a choke hold. I wanted to kill the bastard. But Elijah talked some sense into my head.”
I shuddered a little. Things could get out of control so easily in this life.
Crow took my hand in his, sensing my need for reassurance.
“Then what happened?” I asked.
“Are you sure you want to talk about this?” Crow asked. “It might be better to forget about it.”
“No. I’d rather know.”
“It all got sorted out. Elijah called out for one of the security guards to get the organizer.”
Where had that damn security been when I needed them? If you had security, surely they should keep people secure.
They’d explained the situation to the organizer while the jerk protested his innocence. He kept saying I’d led him on.
“Fay does not lead people on,” Lij had told him.
Good old Lij, but Crow said that Lij had gotten fired up after that, too. If the organizer hadn’t stepped in, the two of them would’ve beaten him into a pulp.
“What did the organizer do?” I asked.
“Kicked him off the site. Told him he’d never play one of their festivals again. He also asked if you wanted to press charges.”
I shook my head vigorously. Pressing charges would be awful. I was just glad to have gotten away from him.
“I’m happy to forget the whole thing happened.”
“Apparently, he was causing trouble before this. Just small things. Give some people a bit of fame, and it turns them into total assholes. He’s getting a reputation for being trouble, and the guy isn’t big enough to do that. Sad thing is, if he was a huge name, this would’ve probably been overlooked.”
Yep. I’d been lucky being on this tour. No matter how annoying the guys could be, they weren’t sleazes. They all kept their hands to themselves. And if anyone did act like that, Polly would cut them down to size.
My stomach lurched when I thought about it.
I’d bitched and moaned about Polly being so overprotective, but maybe that wasn’t always a bad thing. With guys like that in the world, you needed a bit of protection. I just thought she was wrong when it came to Crow. I wished she’d get to know him better. He’d never act like that. If anyone around here had been acting sleazy, it’d been me. What had I been thinking? If some dude let himself into my room and planted himself naked in my bed, I’d have a fit. I blushed thinking about it from that perspective.
“Does anyone know about this besides you and Lij?” I asked him.
“You don’t want Polly to know?”
“Of course not. She’d go nuts.”
“Well, I can’t speak for Elijah, but I won’t say anything.”
“Elijah had better keep his mouth shut. I’ll make sure of that.”
We arrived back at the hotel and went up to Crow’s room.
He lingered in the doorway. “Ah... I guess I should go to Damo’s room.” He glanced back down the hallway.
“Stay a little while, please. I don’t want to be alone, and it might be weird being in Damo’s room without him there. You know what he’s like. You might nudge something out of its perfectly aligned right angle.”
I didn’t want him to think this was a ploy to seduce him or anything. I really did want him to stay.
Crow chuckled, but he took a step farther into the room.
“Anyway,” I said. “I feel bad about kicking you out of your room like this. I’ve been a pain in the butt, haven’t I?”
“You’re barely,” he said with a big grin.
That grin disappeared almost as soon as it appeared on his face. He stepped closer to me and pulled the neck of my t-shirt aside.
“That bastard,” he said. “He really hurt you.”
The light traces of his fingers on my shoulder took away any pain I was feeling. I wanted him to keep that up, but then I noticed that black expression back on his face. I didn’t want him dwelling on this.
I adjusted my t-shirt back into place. “It’s fine. I bruise easily,” I said. “The bruises will fade. They look worse than they are.”
I sat down on the sofa, wanting to relax. My whole body slumped after all the tension. “We can watch a movie or something,” I said.
He nodded and sat down on the sofa beside me. Even though it was a three-seater, he sat right beside me so his leg brushed against mine.
I picked up the remote control and turned on the television. There was an old movie on. Some sappy romantic comedy.
“Are you okay with this?” I asked him.
Crow didn’t seem like a romantic comedy kind of guy. On the other hand, he didn’t seem like an explosions and car chases kind of guy, either. I had no idea what his taste in movies was. I still had so much to discover about him.
“Yep, anything you want to watch,” he said.
I shuffled a bit closer. Crow was so nice and warm, and the smell of him made me happy. I didn’t want to do anything weird like put my head into the crook of his neck and take a big whiff, but the thought did occur to me.
I curled my legs up on the sofa, leaning against Crow. I wondered if he’d put his arm around me, but I wasn’t sure if he would. Of course, I could ask him to, but I wanted him to do it out of his own choice. The gap between him putting his arm around me of his own free will and doing it because he felt sorry for me was a massive one.
When he moved, my heart sang. He put his arm over my shoulder, lightly, as though he was worried he’d hurt me. I rested my head on his chest. He had a nice chest for resting your head on. Those muscles were a lot more comfort than you’d think. He had nice arms too. Almost everything about Crow was nice.
“Do you want me to order something from room service?” he asked. “Since you missed out on your tacos.”
“Nope. I’m fine.”
If we ordered room service, we’d have to move, and I was perfectly happy snuggled up with him like this. I’d be happy if he wanted to kiss me too, but having the comfort of him was pretty damn good.
“I must stink,” he said. “I got all sweaty onstage.”
It was too late to worry about that now.
“A little bit, but it’s a comforting smell,” I told him. “It’s not gross.” I wasn’t lying, either. He didn’t smell sweaty, just manly. “It was a brilliant show tonight,” I said. “I’ve never seen anything like it.”
“Did it make you happy?” he asked.
“A little bit. And a little bit jealous. I wanted to be the one up there, with that crowd and that energy.”
He laughed, which made my head bounce a little on his chest. “You’ll do it.”
“I don’t have Damo’s talent.”
“Damo’s been doing this for years. You’ve been doing it, what, less than a month? Don’t rush yourself. You’re amazing. A natural.”
I liked that.
“I always wanted to be in a band. I used to stay with Polly every summer, and I’d practice and practice. I learned all their songs. Singing and bass. Of course I did, or I wouldn’t be playing with them now. Do you really think I’m good? Sometimes I wonder if I’m only here because I was the only option.”
That worry had lingered in the back of my mind since I’d joined the tour: that I was the booby prize. I didn’t feel like I’d earned my place.
“You don’t know Damo if you’re asking that,” he said. “He doesn’t praise much, but if you aren’t up to scratch, he’ll let you know. I’m pretty sure that Polly would in her own way, too. She cares about you a lot. You shouldn’t take that for granted.”
I swallowed. He was right, and I’d been a pain in the butt to her. Sometimes my impulses got the better of me, but she shouldn’t have to suffer for it. I’d really had some sense knocked into my pig head tonight.
“I’ll sort it out when I see her again,” I said. “I’ll have to go back to Brussels tomorrow and get it fixed up.”
He laughed. “Rather you than me.”
The movie finished, but we didn’t move. He still had his arm around me, and I still had my head on his chest. I could stay like this for a lot longer, but if I said anything, he might decide he had to go back to Damo’s room.
Instead of leaving, he pulled me closer to him, his lips brushing against my forehead so softly that I almost thought I imagined it.
THE TICKLE OF HIS BEARD made me giggle a little, but his lips were so soft and gentle.
The kiss left me confused. Was it a friendly kiss, or did it mean more? I mean, the forehead? That’s a pretty neutral area for kissing.
I tilted my head to his, encouraging him take it further. He hesitated. That was damn awkward. There’s only so long you can have your face tilted towards a guy before it looks dorky and weird.
Then he looked at me, really looked.
“You’re such a damn temptation,” he said.
“Yep, that’s my intention,” I told him. “I want you to be so crazy for me, you can’t resist.”
The laughter track to some cheesy sitcom blared in the background. He kept his arm around me. I rested my hand on his knee. If I had known what to do to tip things in my favor, I would have done them, but I was too scared. Every time we started getting close, he pulled away from me. That pulling away messed with my head. If I hadn’t known him better, I would have thought he was playing games with me, but Crow was way too serious for that kind of thing.
He stroked my cheek. “You have so many possibilities. Why me?”
“Because you make me feel happy inside. When I’m with you, I get all squishy and warm.”
I grinned at him. He didn’t grin back.
“There are things about me that you wouldn’t like,” he said. “Things that would make you feel differently.”
I couldn’t imagine what they’d be. It wasn’t like he was the kind of guy who would kick puppies or beat up old ladies. Was that why he kept pulling away from me? I’d thought there was something the matter with me. I hadn’t thought that he might have his own worries.
“You have a good heart,” I told him. “No matter what happened in your past, that’s not who you are now.”
He stared at the television. “You see a better side of me than I could ever see in myself.”
I reached up, stroking his chest. I was sure he knew that everyone had warned me off him. Even the people closest to him, Damo and Elijah, thought he was too dark. Did that hurt him? It couldn’t be nice, having everyone mistrust you like that.
“I can make you see that side.”
“I think you could, Firecracker.”
That was the first time he’d used Elijah’s nickname for me. I hated that name, but when Crow said it, with that quiet inflection, it made my heart skip a beat.
“I don’t want to hurt you,” he added.
Jeez, why was everyone on the “hurt me” thing? It wasn’t like people didn’t get hurt every day.
“I’m tougher than I look,” I said. “Give me a chance. Give us a chance. You can’t keep running forever.”
He didn’t answer, he just kissed me. He lowered his face, his lips grazing against mine in the most annoyingly teasing way. I put my arm around his neck, pulling him closer, but he resisted.
I wasn’t sure if I was a fan of this “going slow” thing. What had happened to the slamming against the wall?
But as he deepened the kiss, my insides went all gooey. That kiss shot through me, right down... Hell, I wanted to climb onto his lap and rub myself against him, but I held back. I needed him to take the lead. If I pushed things now, I might ruin this moment.
He kept on kissing, and I liked it a lot. Slowly, he pressed me against the back of the sofa. I tangled my hands in his hair. I loved to feel that hair, so surprisingly soft.
I could keep kissing him like this for a long, long time, but eventually, he pulled away from me and stood up.
I looked up at him.
“I’ve got to go, Fay,” he said.
Ouch. Again.
“No,” I whispered.
I stood up and pressed myself to him. I couldn’t handle all this stopping.
He put his hands gently on my shoulders and stepped back. “Don’t make this any more difficult for me. I can’t stay. We have to take things slowly, okay?”
I nodded slowly. “But we are going to take things?” I asked.
Oh, I wanted to take things with Crow, slowly or not. So long as there were things there.
“I guess so.”
Yes! I wanted to leap around the room, doing a dance of joy. I wanted to punch the air. I wanted to scream and let the world know. I was pretty darn happy. Instead, I bit my lip, not trusting myself to speak.
“But we have to talk to Polly. I’m not sneaking around behind her back.”
“You don’t need her permission,” I told him. “She’s not the boss of me.”
Wow, that wasn’t the best way to prove I was an adult. I could’ve phrased that much better.
“I don’t need her permission,” he said. “But I’d like everything above board. We all have to live to together in this crazy rock circus, and the only way for that to work is to be honest. So, no more sneaking around. No more running away, either.”
I nodded. If we were official, I wouldn’t need to. We’d be official. I could call him my boyfriend, and we could share a room and be perfect sweethearts.
“I’m fine with that.”
“Fay, we need to take things very slow.”
What did slow mean? No sharing rooms? No all-night hot and sweaty sex sessions? I wasn’t a fan of slow. I wanted it all, and I wanted it now.
“You don’t need to,” I said, looking up at him. “I’m ready. I’m totally ready. We can go as far as you like. You don’t have to hold back for my sake.”
“I’m not doing it for your sake,” he said. “I’m doing it for my own. This is a huge step for me.”
He grimaced. I’d never thought of it from his side, but I guessed this was as much a huge step for him as it was for me. Although neither of us had spelled it out, we weren’t just talking about sex. Sex was nothing compared to the immensity of my feelings for him. Holding back my feelings was like trying to stop a dam from bursting, but maybe it wasn’t like that for Crow.
“You’ll talk to her on Tuesday?” I said.
“I’ll talk to Damo first. If he’s on our side, it’ll be a hundred times easier.”
I gazed up at him, not wanting to stop seeing him. I wanted him in my vision forever. He looked at me too. The intensity nearly killed me, but in a good way, a way that said he really didn’t think of me as a little sister.
Then he left me. And even with everything in me screaming for him to stay, I had to deal with him going to Damo’s room. This thing between us wasn’t just about me. I couldn’t keep acting like a selfish kid.
I curled up in bed, but I couldn’t sleep. All I could do was think about Crow and how amazing things would be forever. He liked me, and no matter what Polly or anyone else said, nothing would change that.
––––––––
IT WAS FINE FOR CROW to say he’d be the one to speak to Polly, but I was the one who had to go back to Brussels to face her. The entire train trip home, I anticipated her reaction. She’d be angry. That much was certain. I played out all the scenarios in my head. As much as I said she had no right to try to control me, I understood now that she was justified. She’d been worried and freaked out.
When I got to my room, I called her. There was no point putting off the inevitable. It might be harder to be proactive about this, but that was what I needed to do.
About thirty seconds after I called, she came to my room.
“I’m sorry, Polly,” I said. “I’m really sorry. I know I did the wrong thing and I’ve been a pain in the butt to you.”
She put her hands on her hips and stared at me. “It’s easy to apologize when you got your own way,” she said. “That was a really stupid thing to do. I’m not sure if I want to take responsibility for you anymore.”
I rushed to her and wrapped my arms around her waist. “Yes, you do, Polly. You really do. I’ve learned the error of my ways now. I’ve grown as a person. I’ll never do anything stupid again.”
She snorted. “That’s unlikely.”
“I promise. I’ll be hardworking and diligent and never do anything impulsive. Polly, I saw the crowd at that festival. We need to be better than the Freaks. We need to be bigger than them, too. I want to play to crowds like that.”
I stepped back from her and shot her a timid smile.
“You say that now, but what about next time you get a fool idea in your head?”
Before I could answer, Jax came into my room to join us. “Is shit hitting the fan here?” he asked. “Because if Fay’s being kicked out of the band or any of that, I need to know.”
He sat down on one of the chairs. I sat opposite him.
“I’m not kicking her out of the band,” Polly said.
“Yay! Thank you. You’re the best,” I said.
She put her hand up to stop me. “But I’m not putting up with your shit, either. This is the last warning. Even if we have to pull out of this tour, I’m not going to be the one to call your mother and tell her you’ve been found buried in a shallow grave in some backwoods.”
“Yeah, or thrown in a river somewhere,” Jax added.
“I’m not going to be,” I said. “But I am dating Crow.”
“No!” Polly’s mouth drew into a firm line.
“Yes,” I responded. “He’s going to talk to you when we hit Paris. I know you have your doubts about this relationship, but we’re serious. Isn’t it better to have everything out in the open?”
She didn’t say yes, but she didn’t say no, either. She just gave me a strange look.
I’d work on her. I’d work hard. By the time we got to Paris, she’d be ready to agree.
“Come on. Surely, you don’t want to spend all your time watching over me when you could be with Damo. It must suck for him. No dude wants to play second fiddle to their girlfriend’s cousin. They want the hot sex.” That might not have been the best thing to say to get Polly onboard. “And the other stuff. The sweet talk and the snuggling and spending time together not having sex...”
“I’m with Fay,” Jax said. “It’s ridiculous to be so protective of her. Crow might have faults, but he’s no worse than Damo.”
The look on Polly’s face was priceless. She glared at him so hard, she must’ve strained her eye muscles.
“Damo’s a control freak. No pun intended. And he’s way too bossy,” Jax said. “Even if he is hot.”
“And he’s heaps better than Miles,” I said. “Miles was the worst kind of jerk. Crazy and controlling and full of petty jealousy. Crow is nothing like that. He just likes keeping to himself.”
I said that, but I wondered if there was more to it than that. He’d said as much, but my faith in him was unshakable.
“She’s got you there,” Jax said. “Not only was Miles a jerk on a personal level, he let his jerkiness interfere with the band. We’d be screwed now if it weren’t for Fay and my fast thinking.”
He shot me a self-satisfied grin.
“No one has actually told me what the problem is with dating Crow,” I said. “Everyone keeps saying to stay away from him, but he’s a good guy. He’s not a player like Elijah. He’s not going to run around and cheat on me. He’s not going to lie. Those are very important qualities in a man.”
I folded my arms, but my gaze went to the room service menu. I’d been too stressed about facing Polly to eat the whole morning, and now that that was over, I was starving.
Polly relaxed a little. “He’s got a darkness in him.”
“Yeah, well, that’s just part of being human. It’s not a violent darkness or anything like that. There’s some sadness in his past, and I think I can cure that.”
Jax sighed. “You can’t cure people, Fay. That’s a myth. You have to accept them.”
He might say that, but I knew I could make Crow forget that past sorrow. I made him smile and laugh. Not many people were capable of that.
“All this philosophical talk can wait for another day,” Polly said. “Since you’re back, we have rehearsal to do.”
Jax and I both huffed.
“And you said Damo was a control freak,” I said to him, glancing over at Polly.
“They’re an evil couple,” he replied. “If they weren’t in music, they’d probably run a sweatshop or something. Not even a regular sweatshop, but the kind that the other sweatshop owners think overworks their staff.”
I grinned at him. “Yep, they’d be the definition of evil sweatshop owners.”
“Fay, you’re the one who wants to play the big crowds like the Freaks,” Polly said. “You don’t get to do that sitting around having love life chats with Jax. So, are you serious or not?”
I stood up. Of course I was serious. Well, mostly serious.
Despite my complaints, my heart buzzed. I’d gotten over the hard part with Polly, and it hadn’t been too bad at all. By the time Crow talked to her tomorrow, she’d have become accustomed to the idea. Jax had really helped, bringing Miles into it. Why hadn’t I thought of that argument? It was something Polly couldn’t disagree with.
“Can we eat before rehearsal?” I asked. “My belly is about to collapse in on itself with starvation.”
“Burgers?” Polly said.
“Burgers,” I agreed.
I SLEPT MOST OF THE way to Paris on the train. A late night of rehearsals and an early morning start weren’t my idea of fun. But soon we’d get to the hotel, and I’d see Crow again. This would be the start of our life as an official couple. Maybe we needed to buy matching rings or something to celebrate that. I liked that idea.
Polly nudged me awake when we hit the outskirts of the city.
“You’ll be nice when Crow talks to you, won’t you?” I asked her. “Don’t mess with him.”
She just smiled. It was pretty much a given that she’d approve of our relationship now, but that didn’t mean she wouldn’t toy with him. Polly liked to do that sometimes, but I wasn’t sure if Crow would stand up to her teasing.
“It seems very formal,” she said. “Like he’s asking for your hand.”
“He wants things all above board and out in the open, that’s all.”
I stared out the window. So far, there was nothing especially Parisian about the city. I guessed cities were all the same on the outskirts.
“He doesn’t want to look like a creeper, especially considering how young Fay is,” Jax said.
He didn’t need to remind Polly of things like that. I was plenty old enough to date Crow. The way these guys acted, you’d think I was still underage.
I kicked Jax. He tried to dodge, but I got his ankle hard enough to make him grimace.
“More like, he doesn’t want to cause trouble on the tour,” I said. “You know what Damo’s like.”
Then, to emotionally kick Jax on top of the actual kick, I added, “Wow, everyone’s going to be paired on this tour. Damo and Polly, Elijah and Rose, Matt and Fiona, and... oh, wait, then there’s you, Jax. All alone.”
He looked like he wanted to kick me back. I tucked my feet under the seat just to be on the safe side.
“I’m fine,” he said. “I can take care of myself.”
I chuckled. “Yeah, you can.” And I did a jerking-off hand gesture. “That’s Jax ‘taking care of himself’. But there’s Fartstard. He’s single. Go for it, Jax. You’d make an awesome couple. Except for his conniving, double-crossing ways.”
Jax screwed up his face. I didn’t blame him. I still had to make that bastard pay for ratting me out to Polly. Even if everything worked out fine in the end, he’d betrayed my trust.
“Good thing he did,” Polly said.
I shrugged that off. I didn’t want to open that discussion again, not with things starting to work out.
I stared out the window as the train got closer.
“Paris. It’s the city of love,” I said.
“It’s the city of working our asses off onstage,” Polly said. “But it’ll be nice to get a chance to look around a bit.”
“And eat French food,” Jax added.
“The only French food Polly will eat is French fries, I bet,” I said with a grin.
“I have an Eiffel Tower view from my room,” Polly said. “I’ll be able to see it from my bed.”
“Me too?” I asked. That would be the greatest. I’d be able to take the most jealousy-inspiring selfies for my Instagram.
Polly gave me a fake pout. “Oh, sorry, no. We have the luxury suite.”
Polly always got the luxury suite. Mainly because of Damo.
It didn’t take long until we had to gather our things to get off the train. Fartstard met us at the station to take us to the hotel.
“We can’t be too careful after that incident at the festival,” he said.
I hoped Polly wouldn’t notice what he’d said, but she turned to him. “What incident?”
Fartstard nodded at me. How did he even know about that? Only Crow and Elijah knew, and neither of them would talk. Sure they wouldn’t.
“I heard from the festival organizer that this little Firecracker got in some trouble.”
I wanted to punch him for saying that. He made it sound like my fault. I hadn’t gotten into trouble. Trouble had found me.
“It was nothing,” I said. “Some creep came on a bit strong, but I got away from him, and then Crow and Elijah sorted him out.”
“Fay...” Polly stopped walking and looked at me.
“Seriously, Polly, it was no biggie. It could happen anywhere. If I’d stayed at home, even. Guys like that are everywhere.”
Hell, the last thing I wanted was her getting some idea that hanging out with Crow was a bad idea. I balled up my hands into fists, wanting to slam one of those fists right into Fartstard’s pudgy pudding face. He could’ve kept his mouth shut, but nope, he had to blurt it all out.
“I don’t like this,” Polly said. “I don’t like it one bit.”
“Well, you can’t change the world,” I told her. “If you’d been there with me, if we’d been playing the festival or whatever, it would’ve been the same. It wasn’t like I encouraged the bastard at all.”
I hadn’t been to blame, and now it might ruin everything. Damn Fartstard. I would totally get him for this. Maybe itching powder in his jocks, except then I’d have to go near them, and ick, no.
We arrived at the hotel. It sure was a fancy place, like a palace. The lobby took my breath away. We’d stayed in some fancy hotels, but his was so much lusher than any of them. It had those fancy French chairs and all kinds of chic Parisian touches.
I bet it had an awesome breakfast buffet, too.
I went up to my room, and wow, it was perfect, even if I didn’t have an Eiffel Tower view. It had a sweet little balcony overlooking the street, with a nice cushy chair next to it. I opened the doors and stepped outside, hoping to see someone in a striped top carrying a baguette under their arm. Maybe with a beret on their head.
The bed looked like it’d be a dream to sleep in, too.
I’d just finished looking around when Polly called me. “Do you want to be here for this?” she asked.
“The talk with Crow? Hell yeah. Are we meeting in your room because you have the view?”
“Of course. Damo will be here too.”
God, this was like introducing the new man to my parents. The whole thing was totally cringeworthy. Polly could’ve just said it was all fine with her, but I she took secret delight in doing this to me.
I touched up my makeup before heading to Polly’s room. I wanted to look pretty for Crow. I ran my fingers through my hair, giving it a bit more body, too. Then I headed down the hallway to Polly’s room.
Crow was just getting out of the elevator. I walked toward him, but something stopped me. I’d never been shy before in my life, ever. It was an unknown emotion for me, but when I saw him suddenly like that, a tremor ran through my body. He was a fine-looking man, and he was mine. But was he mine enough to make a hug in the hotel hallway appropriate?
Instead, I grinned, then averted my eyes.
Yikes. My face heated. I had to be going bright red. What was happening to me? This wasn’t me.
In the short distance to Polly’s room, we never exchanged a word. But as we waited for Polly to open the door, he reached out and wrapped his hand around mine. The warmth from his hand spread through my body. With my hand in his, nothing could go wrong. I smiled up at him.
I walked in and went straight to the window, dragging Crow with me.
“Amazing. It’s like something from a movie. I’m so taking photos in your room for my Instagram,” I said. “The public need to see me here. It’s so Paris.”
Damo laughed. “Sure. Do you want us to get one of the lighting guys in for your photo shoot?”
“Damo! Don’t encourage her. It’s our room,” Polly said. “She’ll do it.”
“Hey,” I said. “It’s not about me. It’s about my Instagram followers.”
Crow and I sat down on the sofa. I crossed my legs.
“So, we’re gathered here today,” I said. “Gathered to do what? Give a stamp of approval to Crow dating Fay? So, get out the stamp and stamp me up.”
Polly sat in the chair beside me. “Not so fast. We need to have some rules around this relationship.”
I studied my nails. If she said no sex, I’d die. I didn’t want my sex life up for discussion. Surely, she wouldn’t say that.
“Okay, hit me,” I said.
“Firstly, nothing is going to interfere with the tour,” she said. “Music first and the love stuff second.”
Crow nodded.
That seemed reasonable, on the surface. But it could be a trap.
“Wait. I need more details. I’m not agreeing unless I know what I’m in for. This rehearsing 18 hours a day is not on. I need a life too.”
Polly looked at Damo, and he nodded. They’d discussed this beforehand. That made my neck prickle, the thought of Damo and Polly sitting around discussing me like that.
“You get to have a life. Just not too much of a life,” she said. “We’re on tour. This is work.”
“We have a rest day today,” he said. “Make the most of it.”
“You get a few hours before sound check every day, too,” Polly added. “Maybe more if you get up early.”
“And after shows,” I said.
“Not too late,” Polly said. She leaned forward, staring at my face. “You don’t want to get bags under your eyes.”
“Screw you, Polly. I can use concealer.”
Crow sat back with his arms folded and his mouth twitching. Did this amuse him? This wasn’t funny. The more Polly talked, the more I wanted to die.
––––––––
“WHAT’S UP?” I ASKED Crow.
He was the one who had wanted to talk to Polly, but I’d ended up doing all the talking. What was up with that?
Crow glanced at Damo and the two of them grinned, but this was our together time we were talking about. I needed to protect that.
“Are you going to make a color-coded schedule of your time off?” he asked. His eyes sparkled with amusement.
Even though he was joking, I could see the merit in the idea.
“Well, that would be a grand idea. Then I could plan ahead. How about it, Polly?”
Polly shrugged. “Do you think I have time for that?”
I nodded. “Yeah, I think you do. I need to be able to plan ahead. Otherwise, you can spring surprise rehearsals on me at any minute. If we have set times, then it’s easier for everyone. Jax, too. We need work/life balance, here.”
“I’m with Fay,” Damo said. “I’d like to plan ahead too.”
Polly tsked and looked away. “Anyway, the next rule,” she said.
“Do you have to call them rules? It sounds like I’m 12 years old and need a curfew. Please, do not say I have to have a curfew.”
Polly grinned. Jeez, now she’d want to give me a curfew just to torture me. “No curfew, but you have to turn up ready to play.”
“I always do.”
“And no sneaking around.”
Wasn’t that the whole point of this meeting? So I didn’t have to? More like, the point was Polly stretching out her torment for as long as possible.
I plastered on a big grin. I’d fix that. I had things to do today.
“I think we’ve covered enough, and I’m sure you and Damo want to be alone to enjoy your day off.” I winked at Damo, and he grinned. “So, Crow and I will get out of your hair so we can see some of the fine sights of this city. It’s stupid to be in Paris and sit around talking about nonsense.”
I stood up, ready to leave. I thought Polly would have more to say, but she didn’t try to stop me.
“Be careful,” was all she said. “This city is notorious for pickpockets.”
“Yeah, it’s notorious for beheadings, too, but I’m not worried.”
Wow, that had been so easy.
“So, we’re official,” I said to Crow after we left Polly’s room. “We need to do something to commemorate.”
He grinned. “Maybe.”
“Maybe?”
But I left it at that. He didn’t seem too overjoyed by the idea. Maybe it’d been a stupid thing to say. Something high school kids did, not adults. But I would love to have something to remember today by. I guessed things would be different dating a guy like Crow. He wasn’t like the other guys I’d dated, that was for sure.
“Let’s explore the city,” I said. “We have so much to do, and the weather’s so perfect. We can walk for miles and see everything.”
“Didn’t we do that in Amsterdam?” he said with a laugh.
“We’ll do it in every city. Isn’t it fun? Walking around a new city, exploring all those new sights, smelling all those new smells, eating all that new food.”
“It’s fun when it’s with you,” he said.
My heart jumped. It was fun with Crow too. We fit together so well.
We headed out, stopping to poke around in little vintage shops. I wanted Crow to try on a psychedelic shirt from the ’70s, but he shook his head.
“Come on. It’s so you,” I said.
He laughed. “Does it come in black?”
Then I found a street market and bought a red beret. It worked perfectly with my outfit.
We explored old churches and little art galleries. We walked until my feet hurt.
“We have to see Notre Dame,” I said. “It’s the most important.”
“What about the Louvre?” he asked.
“Nah, those big art galleries leave me a bit cold. Too many people. You can’t even see the paintings. I’d rather go to small places.”
We got to the cathedral looming by the river. I wasn’t really a tourist type of person, but when I went inside, it took my breath away.
“This place is amazing,” I whispered. It seemed like the sort of place for whispering.
“What now?” I asked Crow after we left the church.
“Lunch.”
Now that he mentioned it, I was pretty hungry myself. We wandered around until we found a cafe. It was all Frenchy, with checked tablecloths and whitewashed walls. The exact kind of place where you’d imagine eating lunch in Paris. As soon as I saw it, I knew I had to eat there. It was perfect.
Before we could enter, Crow grabbed my arm. “Can you speak French?” he asked. “How will we know what to order?”
Good question. I hadn’t worried about that in any other city. We seemed to always find someone who spoke English, but this place didn’t look like it catered to tourists.
“It’s okay. We can work it out. Use Google Translate or something. What’s the alternative? Get Mickey D’s? I’m not eating a Big Mac in Paris.”
“True.”
We entered, and the waitress pointed to a table. That much was easy. I understood pointing.
Even though it was daylight, this place had a romantic feel to it. The waitress had put us in a little nook away from the main room, as though she’d known we wanted privacy. Not that there were many other people in the place, since it was late in the afternoon.
I picked up the menu. Yikes, it was all in French, but there were some words I recognized. Some I guessed at. The waitress walked over, tapping her pencil on her pad. She said a few things in French. I had no idea what they were, but she sure sounded cranky. But I wasn’t used to French people. Maybe they sounded cranky no matter what they said.
We ordered soup and pointed to a few other things.
“What if they’re weird things?” Crow asked.
I shrugged. “We don’t eat them. It’s not like it’s the end of the world. If it’s too disgusting, we can ditch this place and get a baguette and some cheese somewhere.”
We didn’t have to worry, though. All the food was great. My belly had stretched with all the food by the end of it.
“But I need crepes. I can’t come to Paris and not have crepes. And macaroons. Oh, there are too many delicious foods.”
Crow’s eyes sparkled. “You have five more days. You don’t have to eat the entire city out of food today.”
I liked his logic. “Should we go?” I asked him.
“Just a minute.”
He fumbled with something in his pocket. I had no idea what. I was too busy trying to figure out our check. And did we need to leave a tip? I wasn’t sure on the system here. I should check online, or maybe it was easiest to leave a standard ten percent. I was going to ask Crow, but he didn’t meet my gaze. Weird.
“Ah, Fay, I have something,” he said.
“Umm?”
I still was only half paying attention. Then he handed a small box across the table. That got all of my attention.
“For me?” I asked.
He nodded.
My heart fluttered as I opened up the box. Crow didn’t seem like a jewelry-buying kind of guy, so this gift was all the more precious.
It was some kind of pendant. At first, I couldn’t work out what was on the silver chain, then I turned it toward the light.
“A firecracker!” I laughed.
“Yep.” He didn’t look at me.
“I love it. It’s perfect. You acted so weird when I said we needed to get something to commemorate today, but you had this all along. That was sneaky.”
He looked up and gave me a huge grin, his teeth gleaming through his beard.
I wanted to put it on right now. No, I wanted Crow to put it on me. That was the proper way to do things.
“You have to do it,” I said, handing the box back to him.
He stood up and fastened the chain, his fingers grazing the sensitive skin on the back of my neck. Every touch sent shivers of anticipation down my spine.
When he’d finished, I put my hand up to touch it.
“Thank you so much,” I said. “I’m going to wear it every day.”
Wow, Paris really was the city of love.
AFTER OUR BREAK FOR lunch, we kept walking. I took thousands of photos. We ended up at another great place for dinner, then went to a little bar.
We’d had such a great time all day, but once we sat down to have a drink, Crow seemed nervous. For such a laid-back guy, that fidgeting was really strange.
We sat in the semi-darkness. A few small lights illuminated the room, but most of the light came from the flickering candle on our table.
“You’re an amazing girl, Fay,” he told me.
I smiled, but something about his tone made me think there was more behind his words than simply paying me a compliment. Did he want to break up?
But we’d just gotten everything sorted out. Things were so perfect. Surely, he wouldn’t have given me the necklace if he wanted to break things off this quickly.
“Thanks,” I said, not sure how to respond.
He had more to say, so I waited. There was no point rushing Crow, and if I kept talking, he might get distracted.
Maybe I should keep talking. Maybe I should distract him from what he wanted to say, because something told me it’d be no good.
His hand squeezed tight around his wine glass, so tight I worried he’d crush it and cut himself. Violin music played in the background, music so melancholy that it added to my bad feelings. The day had been so perfect that I wanted nothing to destroy it.
“What is it?” I asked.
He didn’t look at me but stared at the wine in his glass. In this light, that wine looked almost black.
“I need to tell you something. I’ve been thinking about it all day. We need to start out honest with each other, and if you change your mind about me after I tell you this, then walk away. I’ll understand.”
I nodded.
I couldn’t imagine anything Crow could tell me that would make me want to walk away. If he’d done bad things, they’d been justified. I knew him well enough to know that.
“Growing up, things were pretty tough,” he said. He was still staring at that glass, swirling the wine in small circles.
I didn’t talk. I’d give him as long as he needed. He wasn’t the kind of guy to open up easily. Man, I wished they’d shut off those damn violins, though.
“My dad was a drunk. Mom died when we were kids, and there was just the three of us: Dad, me, and my little sister, Cindy. He started drinking when Mom died, maybe before that, even. I was too young to even really remember her. But he was a nasty drunk.”
My stomach clenched. I knew there’d been shadows in Crow’s past, but I hated to think of him being abused.
“He’d always been rough on me, but I could handle a beating. I hated him for it, and I vowed I’d get out of there one day, but I couldn’t leave Cindy behind. I figured I’d put up with it, then, when she was old enough, the two of us would escape. I’d tell her stories about the little house we’d have. She wanted to have pretty things around, things that wouldn’t get smashed up.”
All I could do was nod. I wanted to reach out for him, put my arms around him, but the way we sat made that difficult. Crow seemed like he was a whole other world away, anyway. If I interrupted him now, even to give him comfort, he might crawl back inside that shell and never talk about this.
“When I was sixteen, he started getting worse. He’d always left Cindy alone before that, but she was growing up. He got this idea in his head that she was running around. He wanted to control her. She was a good kid, no different from any other girls her age, but when she started wearing makeup and dressing like a teenager, he told her she was a whore. A few times, he went over the edge. Screaming at her was bad enough, but when he raised his hand to her, I’d jump in.”
He finally raised that wine glass to his lips and took a sip. Then he sighed.
“I wanted to kill him, Fay. I had nothing but hate in my heart for that man, and if I’d thought I could get away with it, I’d have cut his throat and thrown the body in the river.”
He looked up at me then, and all the pain showed in his eyes.
If I could, I’d wipe away that pain. I wanted to take every bad thing in his life and replace it with good.
“Are you shocked?” he asked. “Maybe I shouldn’t...”
“You wanted to protect your sister. That’s not a bad thing,” I told him.
“I thought about taking Cindy and running, but I had no way to support her. She’d have been taken away from me and put in a foster home, and I wasn’t sure which would be worse. All I could do was protect her. Then, one day, I’d been at a friend’s place. Cindy wasn’t home, either. We both tried to stay out of that place as much as we could. It sure wasn’t a home. I got back and thought the house was empty. I grabbed a Coke out of the fridge and was about to head to my room when I saw him. He’d fallen to the floor, all curled up in a ball. He struggled to call out to me, but the words were just a gurgle.”
He stopped and took a swig of his wine. A big swig. Then he stared at something over my head.
“I’ve never told anyone this,” he said. “Do you want me to go on?”
“If it helps.” I reached out for his hand, hoping I could give him some strength.
“I knew I should’ve called an ambulance. He was dying, and he couldn’t get up off the floor. I froze. That man had done so many terrible things, and I’d thought about killing him so many times. It seemed that fate had stepped in to do what I couldn’t. I just kept thinking that if he got help, one day he’d destroy us. One day Cindy would get a boyfriend, and then he’d go mental. The terrible things he’d done were just a shadow of what was to come....”
His hand tightened around mine.
“I didn’t help him, Fay. I left that house and didn’t come home for hours.” He gulped. The sound seemed to fill the room. “When I got back, he’d been dead for hours. I rang the ambulance then.”
“You did what you had to,” I said.
“I caused his death. I’ve tried to justify it. I’ve told myself that I could’ve stayed out for a few hours longer and I’d have never had to make that decision, but in the end, I could’ve saved him, and I didn’t.”
Crow looked up then. He looked me straight in the eyes. He wanted to read what I was thinking, searching my face for any sign of rejection.
“I’m not sure what you want from me,” I said. “But I’m not going to walk away. You protect the ones you love.”
I smiled at him. I needed him to know that I’d stand by him.
“She didn’t think like that,” he said.
“She?”
“Cindy. She knew, Fay. She knew I’d been home. That can of Coke sat on the coffee table near his body, and she worked it all out. He was her father, and she loved him in spite of everything. She’s a much better person than I am. She went away, and I never heard from her again.”
Crow kept sipping his wine, and those violins didn’t let up. I wanted to reassure him, to make things better, but I wasn’t even sure where to start. I could only keep holding his hand.
“You’ve never heard from her at all? Maybe, now that she’s older, you should try to get in touch.”
He shook his head and put his glass down. “We should get back to the hotel,” he said.
I guessed that meant the conversation was over, but as we left the bar, I put my arm around him and pulled him tight. Crow might have a darkness within him, but, like I’d always thought, he was a good person.
WHEN WE GOT BACK TO the hotel, I hoped Crow would invite me back to his room.
He didn’t.
“Are you sure you want to be alone?” I asked him, putting my hand on his arm.
He stroked my cheek. “It’s been a pretty intense day. Don’t tempt me.”
Oh, I wanted to tempt him. I really wanted to tempt him a lot, but he was right. It had been intense. If he needed some alone time, I wouldn’t push him. Not tonight.
Instead, I went into my room and changed into my PJs. I wasn’t ready to sleep, so I grabbed my hairbrush and began brushing my hair. That often helped me to think.
The things he’d told me played with my mind. His sister rejecting him like that had obviously really hurt him, and hurt him still, no matter how much he brushed it off. That had been a long time ago, though. About ten years by my reckoning. Surely, in that time, her feelings had changed.
If she regretted it now, what would she do? If Crow had been a normal guy, she could have picked up the phone and called him or sent him an email but being in the Freaks made him far from normal. He had levels of privacy most people didn’t have. You couldn’t just look up his phone number, and if she wanted to contact him, her message would get lost in the piles of fan mail.
From the sound of it, Crow had severed all connections with his family and his home town. There was no one she could ask for help.
Even though I had no siblings, I couldn’t imagine cutting myself off from family. I messaged my mother every day. Sometimes I even talked to a photo of her, telling her things about my day. I’d always been close to Polly and my other cousins, even when Polly was a pain in the butt. That’s what family was like: you got annoyed with them, but it didn’t stop them being family.
I bet Crow’s sister felt like that too.
If only I could get him to contact her. She’d probably be so happy to hear from him. Those kinds of bonds didn’t just die.
How could I get him to do that, though? He was stubborn as hell, and if I raised the subject, he’d just close off. I needed to be much trickier than that.
Could I track her down? I had no idea where she lived, and she might’ve even changed her surname by now, but I had to try. She’d be 24 years old, and I knew her home town. I had no idea where she would’ve moved to.
I opened up my laptop and went online. First of all, I checked the Freaks’ official site to get any details. No mention of a sister on Crow’s bio. But, hey, Elijah had two older sisters. Figured. Guys like him always had older sisters who spoiled them rotten. That was what made them grow up to think they were God’s gift to women.
I’d have to tell him that theory.
After the official site, I trawled through all the fan sites. Even there, no one mentioned a sister, although a few did say that Crow’s father had died of a heart attack.
Then I checked forums. That didn’t help, either, although someone had posted: Forget the Freaks, Wreckage is where it’s at. That chick singer is so hot.
I bookmarked that to read again later. I didn’t get nearly enough fan mail for my liking.
Then I read a reply that wasn’t as nice. Obviously from someone with no taste.
I couldn’t spend the night reading about myself. I had someone to find.
I wondered if she looked like Crow. Obviously, she wouldn’t have the beard. Well, I hoped not. And it was hard to know what his mouth and jawline looked like underneath it. But I imagined she had those same sparkling eyes and dark hair.
I tried Facebook first, but Mom was online and she got chatting to me.
What are you doing up so late?
Trust her to know the time difference. I told her I was about to sleep. I didn’t want to tell her about Crow. I wasn’t sure how much she’d heard from Polly. But then I didn’t want to not tell her, either. I tried casually telling her I we were together, but there was no way I could slip something like that past her without a fuss. She wanted all the details.
I’d grabbed my phone to take a photo of my necklace.
Interesting was all she said.
I told her all about sightseeing in Paris and sent her some photos.
Is he a good person? she asked. That’s the most important thing.
He’s a good person, I replied. He’s the best.
I’d just shut down the window when I heard a light tapping on my door.
It was Crow.
“I didn’t wake you?” he asked, and I shook my head. “I couldn’t sleep.”
He walked into my room, and I wrapped my arms around him, holding him tight. Then I glanced over to make sure I had nothing incriminating on my computer screen. I didn’t want him to know I’d been digging into his past.
He held me tight for a long time. I guessed confessing the dark secrets of your soul took a lot out of a person. Finally, I took his hand and led him over to the bed. I couldn’t stand up hugging him forever.
I climbed into bed beside him and curled my body against his. He didn’t try to kiss me or any of that. He just held me tight, stroking my hair, until he fell asleep.
WE WERE STILL IN EACH other’s arms the next morning. “I could get used to waking up next to you,” he said.
“You’d better,” I answered. I kissed him lightly on the nose. “Waking up next to me should be on your life agenda, top priority.”
“Your bed hair...”
Yikes! Did I look like an idiot? I tried to jump up to fix it, but he held me tight.
“I like it,” he said. “It’s cute.”
I crept my hand up his body until my arm was around his neck. “It is nice waking up together,” I said.
It was also nice seeing him much happier today. The storm had passed and the sun had come out. I guessed it was a relief for him to have confessed his secrets and have that out of his system. He’d been brave telling me, not knowing how I’d take it and thinking I might reject him. My heart ached for the younger Crow. Walking away had never been an option. Instead, I wanted to make his life brighter and happier, to wipe out the horrors of his past.
“You haven’t had second thoughts?” he asked, as though he was reading my thoughts.
“Not a one.”
The way he gazed into my eyes made me woozy. It’d be so easy to skip breakfast and stay in bed with him. I suggested that. We could get room service and stay right here.
“And what’s everyone going to think if we’re both missing from breakfast?” he asked.
Even when we stayed at places with room service, Damo liked everyone to gather for breakfast, which was unusual for someone who liked his privacy so much. I guessed it was one of the few chances to get the bands together in one place, but I bet it was more to make sure no one had stayed out all night partying.
“I don’t really care what they think,” I said. “They have to get used to us being together sooner or later.”
I could think of a lot of things I wanted more than breakfast, and most of them involved Crow’s body parts being in close contact with my body parts.
“I told Polly we’d take things slow,” he said.
“We could at least shower together.”
His eyes twinkled. Was that a sign I had a chance?
“You think it would be that easy? That it’d be just showering? Because I sure as hell couldn’t have that temptation in front of me without giving in.”
“You have that temptation in front of you now.” I wrapped my leg around his thigh just to prove it.
He screwed up his face in thought. “It’s different. You’re not naked. And there’s no water involved.”
“There could be water involved,” I told him.
He laughed and climbed out of the bed. Damn it. I wasn’t ready for that yet. This bed thing worked nicely for me.
“So, how slow are we going?” I asked him. “Can I get a time frame?”
“You want a color-coded schedule?” he said, his eyes twinkling.
I sat up on the side of the bed, hugging my legs up as I watching him put on his jeans. That was a sight I’d never get sick of, although watching him take them off suited me much better.
“That would be nice, actually,” I said. “Yellow for gentle kisses, orange for intense ones, and red for all the way.”
“What about green?” he asked.
I looked up at him with a cheeky smile. “Oh, you’ll love green. And then there’s blue. We could do a bit of blue right now if you like.” I waggled my eyebrows, full of suggestion.
He threw a pillow at me. “Get ready for breakfast.”
I sighed. He hadn’t even kissed me. This was way too slow for my liking. I wasn’t getting any younger.
“So, before we leave Paris? Barcelona at the latest?” I asked.
He didn’t answer.
“Rome?” Surely, we’d do it before Rome. Rome was weeks away. I’d die if we didn’t do it before Rome.
“There are more important things,” he said.
Maybe, but I couldn’t think of any. Not when he was so close to me. We didn’t even have to go all the way. Just some more kissing and fooling around would be nice.
When I stood up, though, he pulled me to him. “We have plenty of time,” he said. “Don’t rush things.”
A thrill went through me, right down to my toes. As much as this waiting drove me crazy, I did like the teasing.
Then he put his lips to mine. Finally, a kiss! But it ended way too soon.
“Okay, get ready for breakfast,” he said. “I’ll see you down there.”
I gave a little moan but he left my room. The man had way too much self-control.
I got down to breakfast before Crow. Polly gave me a glance, then craned her neck to peer around me, wanting to check whether Crow and I were together. Ha, I’d fooled her. Well, I guessed that was more Crow’s doing than mine. She waved at me with a big smile. She was way too happy to see me.
After I’d loaded up my plate with bacon, I sat down with her and Damo.
“Tonight is going to be huge,” she told me. “We’re being filmed for some big music show here. It might get shown all over Europe.”
No wonder she’d been so happy to see me, with news like that.
“Yikes. We only found out now?”
“Yep. They were planning to film the Freaks. That was organized way back, but they’ve asked if they can film us too.”
Polly’s grin almost split her face. I could imagine mine was nearly as huge. Just being asked meant we were doing great things.
“Oh,” she said. “There might be an interview beforehand, too.”
“I need Fiona to do my makeup. I have to look sizzling.” I looked around but couldn’t see her.
“They’ll have their own makeup artists,” Polly said.
“Yeah, but they won’t be as good as Fiona. She’s magic. I’ll ask her when she comes down.”
Before that, Crow arrived. Even though I’d only seen him a few minutes ago, the sight of him walking into the room made my heart flutter. I wanted to jump up and fly into his arms, but I stayed seated. He’d be beside me soon enough, and I didn’t want to put on a public display.
Polly stared at me.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“Your necklace, it’s new?” she asked.
I put my hand up to touch it. I’d thought my grin couldn’t get any wider after the TV news, but remembering the necklace amped it tenfold. Crow must’ve been pretty confident of Polly’s answer to have bought this before he’d even spoken to her. I liked that.
“It sure is,” I replied.
Polly kept looking, but I didn’t explain. She could wonder all she liked.
I wanted to spend the morning with Crow, but he had to go pick up some drumming stuff from one of the shops in the city. I’d have gone with him, but this TV thing was freaking me out. I needed to be super-prepared.
I spent way too long doing my makeup and hair before heading to the arena. Even if it was going to be redone, I wanted to look perfect. Then I had to pick what to wear. It had to be cute and cool and sexy. I had outfits that hit two out of three of those things, but nothing that ticked all the boxes. Why did I have such shit clothes? I needed to go shopping. Did I have time? I checked the clock. Nope. Not nearly enough. Why hadn’t we had more warning of this?
I called Polly’s room. “Pick two of these: cool, cute, sexy?” I asked.
“I think you want Polly,” Damo said.
“Well, give me your opinion first,” I told him. “The more input, the better.”
“Sexy and cool,” he said.
That was what I thought, too. Then he gave Polly the phone.
“Cute and cool. Not sexy.”
I’d figured she’d say that. I wasn’t sure why I’d even asked.
“Don’t panic too much. Anything you have is fine,” she added.
“How do you know that?”
“I know every outfit you own by now. Anyway, no one will be looking at you with me onstage.” She laughed.
“Yeah, good one, Polly,” I said.
I hung up and tried on the tight, sexy black dress again. It would be perfect but it was a bit tight for easy movement onstage. I held it up in front of me. It did look better on me than anything else I had. A little tightness wouldn’t be too bad.
With that sorted out, I had an hour or so to kill.
I went back online to continue my search. I got about five likely results, but I wasn’t sure what to do with them now that I’d found them. I just stared at the names for a while. One of these people had to be Crow’s sister. Then I dug deeper and whittled that list down to three.
Screw it. I sent emails to those three. I didn’t mention Crow’s name. That would be stupid. If you asked anyone if they were related to the drummer in a famous rock band, they’d say yes. Instead, I put in the few details he’d told me about his past, hoping one of them would respond. I’d work out what to do next if that happened.
I was on a roll. The stars were all converging in my favor, and things would only get better.
WE WAITED BACKSTAGE for the interview.
“They will speak English?” I asked Polly. I couldn’t sit still, but I knew the way I jumped around drove Polly nuts, so I tried to calm myself.
“You idiot. Of course they will. Otherwise, it’d be a damn boring interview.”
I loved being on good terms with Polly again. When we weren’t at each other’s throats, we really were best friends.
“Anyway,” she said, “it’s not like you won’t have anything to say. You never shut up.”
“Well, I can’t do all the talking. You and Jax have to say stuff too.”
“If we can get a word in edgewise,” Jax said. “Anyway, you two are the talent. I’m just here for my good looks.”
I tilted my head, staring at him. “Nope. Definitely not the pretty one,” I said. “And I’m the one with the hot boyfriend, too.”
“Hey, shut up,” Polly said. “Damo’s no slouch in the looks department.”
“I’m with Polly,” Jax said. “I’d go Damo any day.”
Jax really did have a bit of a thing about Damo. Poor guy. But then, I figured Jax got his fair share of groupies of both sexes even though he kept pretty quiet about it. He was no Elijah, that’s for sure. And if he didn’t want to talk about it, I wasn’t going to pry into his private life.
Someone came in to say the camera crew were running ten minutes late. I groaned. I wanted this over with.
I picked up my phone. There was a message. Holy cow, one of the Crow sister possibilities had replied. She’d grown up in the same town and totally fit the profile. Then I read the last sentence.
Are you fishing for information on my brother? I can’t tell you anything.
Jackpot!
I quickly typed a reply, telling her I was on tour with Crow. I wanted to ask if she’d forgiven him, but blurting that out would imply I knew far too much.
“Hurry up, Fay,” Polly said. “They’re ready.”
“Just a sec.”
I added a line saying Crow missed her. That covered a lot. Then I jumped up to be interviewed. No problem. I’d be funny and cute and sexy. There was no denying it.
The whole interview went by in a blur. I talked, but I had no idea what I was saying. There were questions, lots of questions. And then we had to rerecord bits of it from different angles.
Finally, we were done, and it was time for the Freaks.
“Did I make a fool of myself?” I asked Polly backstage. I thought I’d done well, but I wanted confirmation of that.
“No more than usual.”
I poked my tongue out at her. I need reassurance, not sass.
“You were great,” Jax said. “A natural.”
“Yep, I’ve taken to the spotlight so well. I’m a total pro.”
We had to go run through sound check before I could get any more feedback on my natural abilities.
Finally, I got some time backstage with Crow. I plonked myself down on his knee and curled my arms around his neck.
“How did your interview go?” I asked him.
“Same old. I stood in the back, and Damo did all the talking.”
“I bet Elijah had some things to say, too,” I said.
Crow laughed.
I couldn’t wait for the show to be over so we’d be back at the hotel and could have some time alone. He’d been gone all morning with Jax, and we’d barely had a chance to be together since breakfast. I didn’t want to be clingy, but I had so much planned. There were still parts of the city I hadn’t seen. Being alone in private was also good. I had things planned for that too.
I started telling Crow about my plans, but Damo called him over. Damn it. Our time always got interrupted.
I did need to fix my makeup. Fiona hadn’t come to the arena with us. The interview team makeup artist had done an okay job, but there were a few things that needed work. I hated the lip color she’d used on me, for starters.
When I got back from doing that, Crow had finished with Damo.
“I’ve never been filmed onstage before,” I told Crow. “I’m a bit worried.”
“You’ll be fine,” he told me.
Everyone kept saying that, but being fine was way too low-level for me. I wanted to be so much more than fine. I wanted to captivate people. I wanted them to fall in love with me.
“Maybe I should ask Damo for tips,” I said. “He’s used to being in the spotlight like that.”
“Just be yourself,” Crow said.
“I want to be so much more than myself, though. “I want to be the best,” I told him
A strange look crossed his face.
“What?” I asked.
“Nothing.”
“Come on, Crow. There’s something. Spill it.”
“You seem to be making a big deal out of this.”
“It is a big deal. Every opportunity is a chance to make more fans. I need to grab those chances with both hands.”
He shrugged. “It’s about the music, nothing else.”
I scoffed. “You don’t know much about the music industry if you think that. It’s okay for you, sitting back there behind your drums. Do you think you guys would’ve made it this far without Damo pushing?”
“That might be true, but you don’t need to push so much.”
He could say that, but I was the one out front, the one everyone watched. I guessed if he didn’t understand that, there was no point explaining. I wondered if he saw this game differently than I did. To me, the music was important, but it was just one element. I couldn’t separate those things. I’d never be one to take things easy or let them run their natural course. Pushing was what I did best.
Before I could think too much, though, it was time to go on.
I stood up.
“Do I look perfect?” I asked. I rushed to the mirror.
“You look fine,” Polly said.
Again with that word. Fine would never be enough for me.
THE NEXT TWO DAYS IN Paris were as close to perfect as they could be. Crow and I got up early every morning and hit the streets. Then we’d get to the arena to play. Every night, he’d come to my room, and we’d fool around. He never spent the night in my room again, instead leaving to sleep in his own bed.
“Come on, you can stay,” I said when he tried to leave that night. “It’s not a huge deal.”
“It’s a huge deal to me,” he answered. “Go slow, remember?”
I sighed, and he kissed me. His kisses stole the words right out of me. I could hardly argue with his lips on mine. I hated it when he left, though. I craved the warmth of his body against mine and his arms around me. I guessed that time would come soon, but not nearly soon enough for me.
When he broke the kiss, I wanted to ask him again, hold on to him and force him to stay with me, but I hesitated. I didn’t want him to stay the night with me because I’d nagged at him or because I’d tricked him and or I’d worked it too hard. There’d be no fun in that. I wanted him to stay with me because he was so overcome with lust for me that he wouldn’t even consider anything else.
As much as I cared for him, I wondered if there was something wrong with our relationship that made it so easy for him to leave me after a few kisses. He said it wasn’t easy, that it took all his self-control, but he still did it. Surely, a man overcome with love wouldn’t move so slowly. They’d want to explore every inch of my body. Their need would be so urgent that they couldn’t wait to rip my clothes off.
I didn’t want to be the one pushing everything in this relationship. As much as I believed in going for what you wanted, I needed some of that “going for it” coming from the other direction too. He could talk about going slow, but a glacier would move faster, and, meanwhile, my body ached for more.
Every time he left me, I almost wept with frustration. I was all fired up and ready to go, then nothing happened.
We never even advanced far past kissing. I didn’t need the full deal, just a bit more hand or mouth action. But he didn’t even want to go that far.
After he left, I closed the door behind him, then leaned against the door frame. Did he have any idea how much it tortured me every time he left? I’d lie awake for hours, wondering what I’d done wrong, if there was something missing in me.
This whole going-slow thing made sense in theory, but in practice, it always felt like a rejection.
The next morning, before I went to breakfast, I got a message. It was the girl I’d thought was Crow’s sister. I hadn’t heard from her after the first message, so I’d been worried I’d said the wrong thing.
Jeez, she was in Paris. She’d jumped on a plane after my message.
Can you arrange for us to meet? she asked.
My heart did about a hundred weird things when I read that. It pounded when I thought that Crow and his sister might be reunited after all this time, but at the same time it sunk in that I’d have to tell Crow I’d contacted his sister. Surely, though, the main thing would be getting them together. He clearly had a lot of trauma about their relationship, and now she wanted to make things up. Of course he’d want to see her. He’d be so happy.
Wow, I’d done well.
She’d arrived this morning and was staying at a hotel not too far away. She planned to stay a few days.
I replied, telling her I’d do what I could.
I met Crow in the breakfast room. The secret bubbled inside me, wanting to spill out, but I couldn’t tell him at a table full of people. He’d hate that. I was sure he’d have a lot of emotion to process about it.
Instead, I ate my eggs and bacon with a grin.
“What’s up with you, Firecracker?” Elijah said. “You’re grinning like crazy. You and Crow finally sealed the deal?”
“Urgh, don’t be so nosy,” I told him.
I wished we’d sealed the deal. Elijah mentioning it like that just rubbed it in. It was normal that we’d be screwing by now. We’d be unable to leave each other alone, and we definitely wouldn’t be coming down here for breakfast. Some mornings, Rose and Elijah barely made it to breakfast.
After we’d finished eating, I arranged to meet Crow in the lobby. We had no time to lose. Sightseeing awaited us. I grabbed my stuff and rushed back down.
“Another beautiful day in Paris,” I said.
He grabbed my hand, and we started walking. I would never get sick of this, no matter how often we did it.
We’d reached a little park. I had to tell him about his sister, and I didn’t want to put it off any longer. Fear and happiness fought within me. Surely, he’d be pleased. He had to be. His sister was family, and no one wanted to be estranged from their family. I wasn’t even sure where to start. Crow valued his privacy, valued it a lot. But he would want to see his sister.
When we got to a little bridge, I stopped.
“What’s up?” he asked. “Do you want me to take some photos of you?”
“I did something. I hope you don’t mind,” I said. I leaned against the railing, looking into the water. Two people floated by in a little boat beneath us.
He moved to lean on the railing beside me.
“I did some research. And, well, I found someone. I didn’t mean to interfere, but I’ve found your sister. She wants to meet with you. She’s in Paris now, and—”
Crow scared me. The way his face changed. I flinched away from him. Had I done the wrong thing? But, no...
“You shouldn’t have done that,” he said.
“But you want to see her. Surely, after all this time...”
Crow didn’t answer. He didn’t give me time to explain.
“I’m sorry,” I said. I looked up at him, expecting some gentleness to settle on his face.
He shook his head and walked away.
Huh? I understood he was angry, but he was just walking?
“Crow, wait!” I called.
He didn’t even break his stride. He had to turn around, I thought. We were together, and everything was perfect. It couldn’t be destroyed that quickly.
“Crow! I’m sorry. Come back. Listen to me.”
None of my cries reached him.
My heart said to run after him, but my feet wouldn’t move. That look he’d given me would haunt me forever. If I chased him, he’d push me away. I knew that, and I couldn’t stand to have him treat me like that.
I’d wanted to bring light and happiness to his life, but maybe I’d just dug up things that were better left buried. I’d ruined things. I thought I’d done the right thing, but the way he’d looked at me had erased any doubt.
My heart clenched, heavy with fear. Surely, he’d turn around. He wouldn’t just walk away from me. But Crow wasn’t the kind of man who toyed with that kind of thing. As much as I hoped, I knew that if he walked away, he’d keep on walking.
I stood on the bridge watching as he moved into the distance.
I SPENT THE REST OF the day in my room until it was time to go to the arena. I didn’t want Polly asking what was wrong or any of the others teasing me.
The sun shining outside mocked me. Every dancing ray said, “Remember how happy you were not that long ago?” That sun could shut up. I closed the curtains.
A few times, I picked up my phone to message Cindy. She needed to know that the meeting probably wouldn’t happen. Just picking up my phone made my stomach twist into knots, though. I felt bad for myself, and I felt bad for Crow, but mostly, I felt bad for her. She’d flown all this way, so she obviously wanted to reconcile with him, but I’d given her false hope. I’d planted seeds that would never flower.
The sunlight still filtered into the room, around the edge of the curtains. I wanted to get up and adjust them so I could have complete darkness, but I lacked the energy to even do that. Normally, my head buzzed with ideas on how to fix things, but this time, I had nothing.
I’d planned to wait until the last minute to meet the others in the lobby, but then I thought maybe Crow’s feelings had changed. He’d forgiven me, and everything would be okay. He couldn’t stay angry with me forever. He loved me. I had to hold on to that and believe this would work out. And, surely, when he thought about it, he’d see Cindy needed a chance, too.
He wasn’t in the lobby when I got there. There was only Lij and Rose.
“What’s wrong?” Lij said. “You look down. And where’s Crow?”
I tried to smile, but it seemed like a massive effort for nothing. That was exactly the question I didn’t want to be asked.
“I did something wrong,” I told Elijah. I sure wasn’t prepared to go into what.
“Well, that’s a given, if it’s you,” he said. “But it wouldn’t be a terrible thing. You have a heart of gold, Firecracker. Anyone who’s spent five minutes with you knows that.”
I sat down on the bench. “Maybe I went too far this time,” I said.
He rubbed my shoulder. “Cheer up. Crow’s a funny guy, but if he wants to be with you, he has to accept you as you are. You’re always going to go too far and be a little crazy. If you tried to stop that, you wouldn’t be you.”
Damo and Polly got to the lobby, and Elijah said no more. I let them talk around me while studied my hands.
What Elijah had said was right. Crow knew what I was like. I couldn’t help but interfere in things. That was my way. I wasn’t saying that he’d brought this on himself or anything like that, and I couldn’t absolve myself of responsibility. I’d stepped over the boundaries this time, for sure. But if something seemed wrong to me, I had to fix it. It wasn’t busybody interfering but a need to put things right.
When Crow finally got to the lobby, I looked up and smiled. If he smiled back, I’d run to his arms. It didn’t even need to be a big smile. A tiny grin would do. Hope burned strong within me. After all, we had something special. We just needed to work on things.
But Crow didn’t even look at me. He stood to the side, well away from me, until the van arrived.
Hope died inside me. A black nothingness replaced it. I tried to look like I didn’t care, but I didn’t have a face that hid my emotions. Polly gave me a couple of searching glances, but I ignored them. I couldn’t even talk. It took all my effort not to cry. I’d worked so hard to get us together, and it’d all crumpled.
We jumped into the van, and I made a move to sit next to Crow. If I did that, he’d have to talk to me. But maybe he wouldn’t. I couldn’t handle seeing him look at me that way again. I hesitated in the doorway. Sit with Crow or sit alone?
“What are you doing?” Jax asked, giving me a push.
Jeez, it was hard, being forced together like this when Crow was so angry with me. I jumped into the empty seat, and Jax sat beside me. I couldn’t even see Crow without glancing around, and I refused to do that.
The Freaks went straight up to do their run-though. While they did that, Polly took me aside.
“I’m not going to ask what’s going on between you and Crow,” she said. “If you want to talk about it, I’m here, but I’m not going to push you. But no matter how you feel, you can’t show it when you get up on that stage. You know that, right? People have paid a lot of money to be here. They’re super-excited to see their favorite bands. Not only that, there’ll be a bunch of new fans who saw that interview. They want to see us, and they want to us rock. You can’t let them down.”
I nodded slowly. “I know.”
I wasn’t sure how I’d do that, but I would, even if it killed me inside. It seemed deceitful to hide my feelings away like that, but even worse to show them to thousands of people. If I went to see a band myself, I’d want to know they were on top of their game.
I waited for Polly to say more about how she’d known this would happen when I started dating Crow. That this was the very thing she’d worried about. There was so much she could say, but she left it at that.
“Thanks, Polly,” I said.
She nodded without asking me what I thanked her for. I practiced putting on a smile. I checked the mirror. It might look sincere from a distance. I tried to bring my energy levels up. I’d be so much happier curled up in bed with a mountain of chocolate, but that was impossible. Not so long ago, I’d been bragging about how I was made for this life. Well, now was the time to prove that. I’d get up there and shine, no matter what. Anyone could shine when they were in the sun, but I had to shine in the darkness as well.
Before we got onstage, my stomach quivered. I knew what I had to do; I just wasn’t sure I had it in me to do it. I walked out there, though, to the cheers and the energy. I gulped, then I put up a wall in my mind. My personal issues and my sadness could stay behind that wall for a while. There was only me and these people. That was the relationship I had to worry about while I was on that stage.
A few times while we were playing, I glanced to the side, not wanting to search for Crow but not able to help myself. Of course, he never appeared. And every time I did it, the knife twisted in my heart. I couldn’t even pause when that pain hit. Pain was for the weak, though. I had no time for pain when I was in front of all these people. Instead, I bent down to the cameraman squatting on the stage, giving him a cheeky smile and a wink that got beamed up to the screens surrounding the place.
Every time I did that, the arena filled with screams and hoots. Okay, maybe I flashed a bit of boob leaning down like that, too. But all those screams fed me. They took away the pain for a little while.
We got through the set. I might’ve been a bit less energetic than usual, but I did it. I tried to scream, and I tried to joke. I might’ve even gone overboard on the sexy stuff to compensate.
“Well done,” Polly said as we walked off. “You proved yourself tonight.”
Her words were a glimmer in the darkness of my heart. That had been one of the hardest things I’d ever done, but I’d done it. I walked off that stage knowing I hadn’t let myself down, and I hadn’t let the fans down. I’d salvaged something from this mess.
The Freaks were still playing their set when I went back to the hotel. Even though my heart screamed to stick around and try to make things up with Crow, I had to get out of there.
But, when I got back to my room, there was nothing but emptiness. I turned on the television, but it annoyed me, so I turned it off again. Then I got on my phone, but that annoyed me too. I had so many photos of Crow and me together.
I tried reading, and I tried sleeping. Nothing worked. I rang room service and ordered a big parfait, but when it arrived, I couldn’t face eating it. I left it sitting until the ice cream had melted and it all became a big, sloppy mess. Much like my life.
Eventually, I heard the others return. I sat in the armchair by the window for a long time, hoping that Crow would knock on my door. He’d come to me. He’d tell me he forgave me, and things would be right between us. But would he? If he could let his sister walk away and not once in ten years try to contact her, would he bother to fix things with me?
When he’d told me that story, my heart had ached for him, but I’d missed the underlying message: he wasn’t a man who forgave. But forgiveness was the only thing I wanted.
I WASN’T SURE IF CROW would answer the knock on his door. He’d know it was me. Maybe he’d pretend he didn’t hear it. I’d fought so hard to keep away from him, but my heart took me to his door even while my brain protested.
I jumped from foot to foot as I waited, unable to keep still. I wouldn’t knock again. I didn’t want everyone on the tour to think I was crawling back to him. I had my pride. But, damn it, I needed to talk to him.
Just when I’d almost given up, he opened the door.
“We need to talk,” I said.
He shook his head. “Go back to bed, Fay,” he said, as though I was a tiresome child.
The way he said that made something stir inside me. My sadness and disappointment turned to anger. Maybe I’d done the wrong thing, but he didn't have to be like this. Elijah was right. He had to accept me as I was, or we had nothing at all. But Crow had no acceptance to offer.
I pushed past Crow into his room. The things I had to say weren’t things you said in a hotel hallway, and he obviously wasn’t going to invite me in. Even though he’d opened the door to me, he wasn’t willing to talk, but I wouldn’t be shut up.
“Haven’t you interfered enough?” he asked.
“No, I haven’t,” I said. I wanted to put my arms around him, but this wasn’t the Crow that I hugged. He was almost a stranger. The twinkle in his eyes had died. I wasn’t sure what to do, so I stood in the middle of the room, my hands clenched tight. I put my chin up. I’d say my piece, then leave, knowing I could do no more.
He stood there too, as though he was waiting for me to leave.
“I haven’t interfered nearly enough, because there are things you need to hear. You shut people out. You shut everyone out. You’re been in this band with Damo and Lij for years, and they still only know you on a surface level. You don’t let anyone close to you. I thought maybe I’d be the one, but nope.”
He didn’t reply, but he hadn’t kicked me out. Yet.
I wanted to my words to reach him, to change his heart, but I wasn’t sure how to do that. Fear started to override me, then I thought of Cindy. All I knew was that, somewhere in this city, a girl wanted to be reunited with her big brother. Maybe she was wide awake right now, too. Waiting for him to contact her.
“Won’t you get in touch with Cindy?” I asked him. “Just talk to her.”
“Leave it,” he said.
I might be in his room, standing right in front of him, but he didn’t look at me. I wanted to move around so he had to look at me, but I didn’t want him to kick me out before I’d finished.
“I was going to apologize again,” I said. “But I’m not sorry. Maybe I did things the wrong way about, but you need to see her.”
I took a deep breath. My pulse raced. Rather than repairing things, I might destroy them forever by pushing this, but that was what I did. I pushed. I couldn’t push Crow to love, and I couldn’t push him to forgive me, but for Cindy’s sake, I had to make him give her a chance.
“It’s not going to happen, Fay. It’s too late.”
“Your sister obviously wants to repair things. She was fourteen the last time you saw her. Are you going to punish her for a decision she made when she was that young? I might’ve butted in, but I did it for you. You’re never going to heal your past unless you talk to her.”
He still didn’t respond. He stared at the wall behind me. My heart raced faster, but I had to go on. My skin prickled and my mouth had become so dry, I wonder if talking was even possible.
“So, talk to your sister or let her leave your life forever. But you’ll regret it if you don’t take this chance. She’s your family, your only family.”
Crow still didn’t move. He didn’t speak, and he didn’t look at me. I could’ve been talking to a statue. I gulped but continued on. There was something else I needed to say, and I had to say it while I had the courage.
“And another thing.” I put my hands on my hips. “I’m sick of chasing after you. For a relationship to work, it takes two people. Not one person doing all the running and the other person standing still. I don’t know what you want, and I’m pretty sure you don’t know what you want, either. You want me, but if you really want me, you have to make the next move. After I walk out that door, I won’t come back, not until you drag me. I’ll walk miles to be with you, but you at least have to take a step in my direction too.”
I turned to leave, then I remembered something. I unfastened the necklace I wore and set it on his dresser.
“I love you, Crow, even if you can’t accept my love. I know I overstepped, but I think you’re using that as an excuse to avoid having to get too invested. Give that back to me when it means something.”
Then I grabbed a pen and wrote down his sister’s details on the notepad on the desk.
“This is Cindy’s number. If you decide maybe you’ll think about her for a minute instead of yourself, give her a call. But time’s running out.”
It was only after I’d left his room that I realized he’d barely said a word the whole time. That just made me angrier. He should have had something to say. I kicked the door in my room. I punched it too, but that just hurt my fist. I’d never sleep now. I’d be up all night fuming, and fuming alone in my hotel made me feel worse.
I wondered if Jax was still up. I phoned him to check.
“Hey,” he said.
Okay, he’d been asleep. I’d woken him; I could tell from his voice.
“Jax, let’s go out and get hammered,” I said.
“Ah... Umm... okay. I’ll just be a minute.”
That might not be the smartest plan in the world, but it beat the hell out of pacing my room for hours.
We headed to a tiny, dark bar and ordered shots.
“Here’s to the heartbroken,” he said.
“I’m not heartbroken. I’m recovering.”
He laughed. “You’re slap-bang in the middle of heartbreak. You have the reek of heartbreak coming off you in fumes. Don’t deny it, Fay. The only way out is through.”
He was probably right about that, but right now, I wanted to numb all the hurt inside me. I’d thought I had something wonderful, but it’d been a stupid illusion. I had to move on. I had to drink more, and then I had to dance, because brokenhearted Fay had no place in my life.
MY HEAD HAD POUNDED all day. Going out drinking with Jax had seemed like a great idea at the time, and the first couple of hours had been fun. Then I’d gotten maudlin, and I think I cried at one point. I’d been a nightmare, and I owed Jax big time for putting up with me. And this morning, nothing had changed. I felt worse, not better. Drinking was no solution.
The solution was staying in bed for as long as I could. If I slept, my head didn’t hurt, and my heart didn’t hurt, either.
At some point, I’d have to call Crow’s sister and explain things. That would be the worst. I’d not only made a mess of my own life, I’d dragged her into things as well. Even though I’d rather tell her sooner than later, I held on to some hope. He might make an attempt to contact her on his own. If he could swallow his stubborn pride, that was.
Eventually, I had to get out of bed. I showered and I dressed. We only had two more nights here in Paris. And even then, the tour didn’t stop. More cities and more shows. I had to get used to it, but hell, it hurt.
I’d survived the show last night, but I hadn’t been thinking it was just one of many. I had to put on that facade night after night.
I jumped into the elevator to go downstairs, but someone got in at the last moment. Crow. I sucked in my breath, and he started. Then we looked away from each other. I moved to get out and use the stairs instead, but the doors shut and the mechanism whirred into action. Instead, I stared ahead at the crack between those doors. I wouldn’t speak first.
This close, I could smell him, and that smell betrayed me. That was the smell of comfort and of love. Of being close to someone. My hands itched to reach for him, and my eyes strained to look at him, but that was no longer allowed. I had to be with him in this confined space and act like he was a stranger.
Could the damn elevator move any slower?
He stood in the corner, his body ramrod straight, as though he wanted to take up as little space as possible.
I sank my teeth into my lip and dug my nails into my palms, those small sensations calming the bigger mess going on inside me.
And not once on the whole ride down did he look at me or make a move to acknowledge I existed.
Maybe I’d been wrong about this whole thing. Maybe he’d only pretended to care because I’d chased after him so intently. Now he was happy to have the whole thing over and done with.
But could that be true? That glimmer in his eyes when we laughed together—he couldn’t fake that. The kisses, the touches. But then, he’d never made a move to have to sex with me. Could he have only ever wanted to be friends? The thought that I’d railroaded him into more than that made me blush with a horrible, prickly heat.
Then, just as the doors started to open, he turned, and his gaze met mine. A mere half-second, but it threw me. It threw me hard. I didn’t want this cold distance between us. I wanted to hurl myself into his arms. This coldness went against everything in my nature. The only place in this world for me was with Crow. My heart belonged to him as surely as if he stamped his name on it.
Before I could act, he walked out of the elevator, and I came to my senses. Of course my place was beside him, but only if we worked all of this out. We couldn’t be together when he closed himself off so completely. Forcing that would only make trouble in the long run. I had to stand by what I’d said. If Crow wanted me, he had to come to me himself.
That thought made me want to weep.
Polly waited for me in the lobby, and she kept up a stream of chatter about plans for Wreckage. I was pretty sure she was only doing it to keep my mind off Crow, and for a while, it worked.
Just before we got in the van, I was sure Crow looked at me again. I had that prickly feeling on the back of my neck. It took all of my willpower not to turn around and look back at him. Again, I balled my hands with my nails pressing into my palms. If that’s that was what it took to keep me strong, I’d keep doing it.
For the first time ever, I didn’t look forward to getting onstage. I didn’t want to be in the limelight. I wished tonight was already over so I could crawl back into my bed. Life had become too hard.
THE NEXT DAY, I DECIDED I had to face up to facts. Crow couldn’t meet with his sister, and I needed to tell her. She deserved that much. I also needed to apologize for my own stupidity. I’d misled her into thinking he wanted a reconciliation, and that was the worst thing I could’ve done.
I rang her and arranged to meet her in the early afternoon.
“There’s a cafe downstairs,” she said. “I’ll meet you there.”
I turned up early, my mind all over the place. This would be one of the hardest things I’d ever done. I hope she took it okay. I would never interfere like this again. Never.
It was one of those chintzy hotel cafes, all fancy china and teapots. The kind of place where I was scared I’d brush against something and break it.
As soon as she walked into the cafe, I recognized her. She had the same eyes as Crow, the same black hair. Even the way she walked was similar to him.
I caught her eye and waved. When she sat down, I wasn’t sure how to start.
“I really have to apologize,” I said. “I think I’ve made a big mistake.”
She nodded.
The fancy waiters came over and took our order. I wasn’t sure what I wanted. This wasn’t a time to eat. I just asked for a coffee. She ordered tea.
“He doesn’t want to see me,” she said. “I wondered.”
I picked up the salt shaker and twirled it in my hand. “He misses you,” I said. “I think he wants to see you, but he’s too proud and too shut off.”
I kept twirling that salt shaker, not looking up. Too cowardly to face the disappointment I’d see in her eyes.
“It was all a mess,” she said. “I wasn’t thinking straight at the time, and by the time I realized what was happening, I’d been taken away to live with relatives. For a long time, I was angry, but then the anger faded. By then, it was too late. Crow had disappeared. I tried contacting some of his old friends, but no one knew how to reach him. I guess I could’ve tried harder, but I didn’t want to face that he might not want to ever speak to me again.”
The waiter arrived with our drinks. Cindy took the teapot by the handle and began rotating it in small circles.
“Of course I’ve followed his career,” she said. “But that just made it more difficult to get in touch. He made himself inaccessible. But I had to come here if there was even a tiny chance he’d forgiven me.”
She sighed.
I wanted to say something to make it right, but there was nothing. He was unrelenting. I wasn’t sure if he’d give either of us a chance. That made me sad, not just for us but for him too, holding all that hurt inside.
Cindy kept swirling that teapot. I looked at my coffee but had no interest in drinking it.
“He’s hurting,” I said. “He keeps it all inside.”
She nodded. “I think for a long time, I did too. I wanted to believe everything was okay, but we’d lived through hell. Our father wasn’t a good man.”
I nodded.
“He told you? I wasn’t sure how much you knew. He never told anyone, ever. A few times, at school, we got sent to speak to people, counsellors and the like. The teachers suspected things weren’t right at home. But Crow pushed away their help. He said we’d deal with things on our own. And then...”
“He told me everything.”
“The two of you must be close.”
“We were.”
I thought we had been. But I’d been wrong, or he’d never have pushed me away so easily. He’d shaken my confidence.
“I wanted to help. That’s why I got in touch with you. But I did the wrong thing.” I kept staring at that coffee. “He hates me now.”
“He doesn’t hate you. He just has his own ways of coping, and those ways hurt people.”
I wanted to ask her so much. Questions about their childhood and what Crow had been like, but I didn’t want to drag up painful memories for her. I’d drink my coffee and leave.
“I feel awful,” I said. “You came all this way for nothing.”
“That was my decision, though. I’m glad you messaged me. At least now I know he has people around him who care. Please, don’t let him push you away. Even if he seems cold or closed off, don’t let him. He needs people, although he’d never admit it.”
I smiled because I wasn’t sure what to say. I could stay close to him, but I couldn’t do any more than that. I wasn’t sure how much I could take of him pushing me away, either.
“Are you going home soon?” I asked.
“Tomorrow,” she said. “I have to get back to work.”
She poured her tea. Suddenly, she looked up. I followed her gaze.
Crow had walked into the cafe. He looked around as though he was searching for someone. Was he here to see Cindy? He had to be.
“Maybe I should leave,” I said. “I don’t want to intrude.”
But Crow walked over to our table and sat down before I had a chance to leave.
“WE NEED TO TALK,” HE said.
“I’m just about to go,” I said. “I’ll give the two of you some time alone.” I stood up and grabbed my bag.
“No. Stay,” he said.
This just got awkward. The three of us sat at the table, no one saying a word. The clink of china and the conversations carried on around us, but at this table, it was like life had stopped. I wanted to say something to break that tension, but what could I say?
The waiter came back to take Crow’s order.
“Nothing for me,” he said.
That seemed to break the spell over us. I needed to force things into motion.
“You have something to say,” I said to Crow when the waiter had moved off. “You came here to say it, so say it.”
He stared at his hands. The noise around us seemed to get louder. Finally, he looked up.
“I’m sorry,” he said to Cindy. “I’m sorry for everything.”
“I’m sorry, too,” she said. “They were hard times. Everything was so confused. I didn’t understand things then, but I know now that everything you did, you did to protect me.”
He nodded. “Still, I did wrong.”
I wanted to reach out and hold him, but he needed to work through this himself. I wasn’t even sure I had the right to touch him any longer.
“You didn’t do wrong,” Cindy said. “We’d been abandoned. There seemed to be no way out, then you saw a way, and you took it. That wasn’t wrong. It was an incredibly tough decision.”
Cindy took a gulp of her tea. I picked up my glass of water. I wasn’t sure where to go from here.
Crow asked Cindy about her life. I relaxed a little, feeling like we were on steadier ground, but they really needed to be alone.
“I’m working as a personal assistant. It’s a great job. Not nearly as exciting as the rock star life, but I like it.”
Crow smiled. “Boyfriend?”
She shook her head, but in a way that suggested there was someone in her life. Maybe not officially yet.
“And you?” she asked.
“Drummer. Rock star.”
“Girlfriend?” she asked, giving me a quick grin.
My heart froze up. How would he answer? Was I still his girlfriend? Or was I an ex now? Did he even want to salvage things?
He looked up. “I had the most amazing woman in the world, but I’m not sure if I’ve screwed things up beyond redemption with her.”
I blinked away the tears that came to my eyes and reached out for his hand. That was all I wanted, an opening, a chance to make this work.
“You’re not beyond redemption,” I said. “Never.”
Crow didn’t look at me, but he squeezed my hand tight. My heart soared. Maybe things could be right between us. The gap that had grown between us could be bridged. Crow had taken the first step.
I let go of his hand. “I’m going to go back to the hotel,” I said. “You two really do need some time alone to sort things out, but after you’ve finished talking, if you want to see me, I’ll be in my room.”
Crow smiled at me. “I’ll come with you.”
“Nope. You’ve only got a short time with Cindy. We have all the time we need.”
I walked out and went back to the hotel with hope growing in my heart. He’d said I was the most amazing woman in the world. All my doubts had been for nothing. We’d work this out. Now that he’d made the first move, every move we made from here on out would be together.
I ran into Elijah on the way back to my room.
“You look happier than you have in a long time, Firecracker,” he said. “Anything I should know about?”
“Yes, I do look happy, and no, it isn’t something you should know about.”
“Oh, I’ll find out. You can’t keep quiet.”
He might be right about that, but this thing was way too new and tender to discuss with Elijah. I didn’t want to discuss it with anyone. I wanted to hold it, examine it.
I got to my room and paced around. I tidied things that didn’t need tidying. I fussed with my hair and my face. Even though I’d wanted to give Cindy and Crow time alone, I wished that he had come back with me. This waiting drove me insane. We didn’t have long until we had to go to the arena. I wanted things clear and certain, and we needed to talk for that to happen.
Then he knocked at my door. I knew his knock without even answering it. Polly bashed and the others banged, but Crow had a quiet knock. Like he didn’t want to intrude but was sure I’d answer anyway.
I opened the door ready to ask him how things had gone with Cindy, but before I could speak, he’d grabbed me in his arms. He squeezed me so tight, I couldn’t speak.
Finally, he let go. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m so sorry.”
I sat down on the bed, and he sat beside me.
“I’m sorry, too,” I said. “I shouldn’t have interfered like that in your life. It was none of my business.”
He put his arm around me. “My life is your business, if you want it to be,” he said.
I rested my head on his shoulder. “Still, I should think before I do things. I just cause trouble.”
He laughed. “I don’t think that will ever change,” he said. “It’s not a bad thing. I thought I could walk away from you, but my life without you isn’t worth a bag of shit. It’s dark and empty and forlorn. The things you do, the crazy, impulsive things, are what make you so special. No one should ever change that.”
We stood for a long time, not talking, just holding each other. I could hear his heartbeat, and it seemed like mine beat in time with his. This was not going to be an easy relationship; I’d known that from the start. But I needed him so much, and he needed me.
He’d broken down that barrier to his heart, and I knew how hard that had been for him. The biggest obstacle to our lives together, even bigger than Polly’s fury, had been defeated.
“How did it go after I left?” I asked him.
“We talked. We’re going to catch up when the tour finishes. I’d have never spoken to her again if it weren’t for you, but I should’ve made the effort.”
I really wanted him to stop talking now and kiss me. As though he’d read my mind, he pulled me tighter to him. His lips brushed against mine as though he was scared of breaking me.
“You don’t have to be so gentle,” I said when he broke away.
I pushed him back on the bed and kissed him again, our bodies grinding against each other. We kept on kissing. He kissed my lips and my neck and my shoulders. I kissed him back just as much. Every kiss was like a fresh surprise, something new to discover.
I’d never have stopped kissing him if Polly hadn’t knocked on my door.
“Ready, kiddo?” she called.
I groaned. “I guess,” I called back.
Damn, I’d have to fix my hair and makeup before I headed out. I wasn’t going to face the rest of the team looking kiss-crushed.
“There’s no way we can get out of this, right?” I asked Crow. “We have to go onstage tonight?”
Even being onstage tonight paled beside the need to be touching him and kissing him and working my way around his body.
“Not unless we want to deal with Damo and Polly and thousands of angry fans.”
“Yeah, Damo and the angry fans I could deal with. If you take on Polly, it’s a deal.”
Crow shook his head. “When we get back, we can pick up right where we left off.” He marked an “X” on my neck with his finger. “That’s the exact spot where I left off.”
I quickly combed my hair.
“Meet me at the elevator before we go down,” he said.
I straightened myself up and threw some things in a bag. When I got to the elevator, Crow walked toward me. He held out his hand.
“I’d love for you to wear this tonight,” he said. It was the firecracker necklace. “I might not be good with words, but, Fay, I love you. Never, ever doubt that.”
THAT NIGHT, AFTER THE show, we got right back to where we’d left off. Crow remembered exactly where he’d marked my neck. Those neck kisses sent the most delicious thrills through me. Then his kisses went lower and lower. I wanted to take off my t-shirt to give him access to more places to kiss, but I worried that that would be moving too fast.
But he grabbed the hem and raised that pesky fabric up so he could kiss my stomach. His beard tickled so much that I squirmed like crazy. His mouth covered every bit of my belly, and every kiss made me giggle.
“You’re not taking this seriously,” he said.
“It tickles too much.”
“I can stop.”
“No!”
He laughed at me. Damn it. I tried not to giggle, but I couldn’t control myself. Then he moved up to my boobs, and my giggling stopped. I unhooked my bra, and he stripped it off along with my t-shirt. Finally, we were getting somewhere.
It wasn’t just that things were moving faster, but that Crow didn’t hold back. He didn’t hold back with his kisses, and he didn’t hold back with his happiness, either. That happiness flooded through him and into me.
He slipped his hands behind my back as he took one of my nipples in his mouth. I definitely didn’t giggle while he did that. As his tongue flicked over the swollen bud, my moans became louder. I didn’t know what the hell he was doing to me, but I wanted him never to stop. That sucking made my entire body into one huge molten mess. I arched my back and entangled my hands in his hair to pull him closer to me. I wrapped my legs around his waist, needing him close to me, his body rubbing against mine. I wasn’t going to let him stop anytime soon. Was he planning to stop? I couldn’t let him.
I pulled away. “You aren’t going to stop, are you?”
He looked up at me, and the lust in his eyes almost burned me. Damn, asking him questions wasn’t a smart move. He had better things to do with that mouth than talk.
“I mean, you aren’t going to start this, then walk out on me?” I asked. “I don’t think I could stand that. I might well implode if you do.”
He propped himself up on one elbow and ran his other hand down my body until it settled between my legs. “Yeah, you might implode.”
Was he laughing at me?
“You can keep your hand there,” I said. “I’m pretty happy with that.”
He looked pretty happy too. Again, my jeans got in the way. Well, they did until he unzipped them and slipped them down over my hips. With a few wiggles, they were on the floor.
“Your panties are soaked,” he said.
“Then you’d better take them off me too,” I told him. I tickled my fingers over his arms. I loved touching those arms.
“Maybe.” His fingers ran over the sodden fabric. I arched my hips to him, wanting much more than that. He couldn’t keep teasing me like this. It was inhumane.
I thrust myself harder against him. God, I needed him. Did he have some kind of inhuman self-control, that he could tease me like this?
“You’re beautiful, Fay,” he said.
For all his teasing, the look in his eyes said he wasn’t going to walk away. He wanted me as much as I wanted him.
“Yeah, yeah, enough of that. Less talk, more action.”
“You’re also bossy.”
“Hey, I’ve waited a lifetime for this. Oh... Oh...”
That bastard really knew how to shut me up. The way he ran his fingers under the elastic of my panties and slipped them inside—how could I talk when he was doing that?
I’d become so swollen from all his kissing and touching that when he touched my clit, I almost screamed. Then he pressed harder, and I did scream.
Even with my senses slipping away from me, I had enough hold on reality to know I didn’t want anyone else on this tour hearing that scream.
I crammed my fist in my mouth.
But Crow removed my fist and kissed me, working me with his fingers the whole time. Oh, that swirly thing he did—I almost screamed again, even with his lips on mine.
I humped myself against him.
As he rubbed harder, I bit his lip. I couldn’t help myself. I bit and thrashed and arched.
As he pushed me over the edge, I had no idea what I was doing. The whole world had gone purple and red and a million other colors I couldn’t even describe. Holy God, I’d never known anything could feel so good.
I wanted to tell him, but I could only gasp for air. Words couldn’t form in my mind. I grasped at him, digging my fingers into his shoulders before I flopped back on the bed.
“Good?” he asked.
I nodded. “Umm... good.”
That was all my addled brain could manage. But, yeah, it was good. It was so far beyond good.
“I want you,” I said.
Suddenly, I felt shy. I couldn’t say the words, but I wanted him inside me. I wanted him to do all the things to me. Whatever he wanted.
“I’m not sure we should go further,” he said. “You’re so young.”
“Shut up and fuck me,” I told him, my senses coming back. “I mean it, Crow.”
“You’re sure?”
“God, yes. I’m legal and consenting. What more do you need?”
“Condom,” he said.
Didn’t he have any? I sure didn’t. Why didn’t I? I should’ve planned ahead. Then he got something out of his pocket. I heard the foil crinkle.
“Lucky,” I said.
He laughed. Had he been teasing again?
“You’d better have more than one of those,” I told him. “A lot more.”
Then I gasped, because he’d stripped out of his clothes. A naked Crow was much better than I’d ever imagined. I’d seen his body naked in parts before, but not the whole thing.
There were so many things I wanted to do to that body. Those thighs on their own were enough to send me to heaven. I wanted to kiss those thighs and lick them. And his arms. And that stomach. Oh, man.
But I’d do all that later, because my gaze had moved to his cock, and if I’d wanted him before, I’d become a desperate mess now.
I reached out to stroke it, feeling it quiver beneath my touch. Oh, that felt nice. I wanted to keep touching it, but he’d rolled the condom on. The slimy latex covered the velvety skin.
He lowered himself on top of me, close enough for me to kiss his neck, where the skin was all salty and sweet. He balanced on his elbows, his hands stroking my face.
Then he edged his cock, not quite entering me, just teasing my entrance. This teasing thing had gone way too far. I raised myself up to him, trying to drive him in farther, but he retreated. He wasn’t going to let me control this, no matter what.
I hooked my leg around him, not letting him get too far away.
He inhaled, then edged himself in deeper. I cried out, half in pain from the size of him and half in pleasure.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
“Yes! Don’t stop.”
He moved slowly inside me, still teasing. I moved with him, trying to slow my urging to match his. The pain ceased as he filled me, leaving only pleasure. So much pleasure.
The gentle thrusting became more urgent.
Even though I’d hated that Crow wanted to go slow, this felt so right. It was so much more than just sex. I didn’t know where I ended and Crow started. The two of us blurred together into one.
My love for Crow swelled as I reached the peak of pleasure with him. He looked into my eyes, and all the feelings contained in that look overwhelmed me. That look pushed me over the edge, into freefalling. I clung to him, and as he shuddered into his own climax, he clung to me too.
No matter what anyone had said about him being too broken, too dark, I’d been right. We were right. One perfect unit, stronger and better together than apart.
CROW AND I STOOD HAND in hand, waiting for the others in the lobby. It was our last night in Paris. The show tonight would be crazy, but for now, everything else had disappeared around me, and my whole world was Crow. I’d barely gotten any sleep, but that didn’t matter. Sleep seemed a waste of time when I could be with him, talking and touching and just being.
“Barcelona next,” Crow said. “Do you have a list of things to do there?”
“Sure do,” I said with a grin. “You know it.”
Exploring new cities with Crow was so much fun, but exploring Crow was even more fun. Lucky for me, I could do both.
When I dragged my gaze from Crow, I noticed Elijah grinning at me. He gave me a thumbs-up, then turned back to Rose. Wow, this tour was turning into a love-fest.
I had little attention for Elijah, though. Not with Crow this close. Our loving glances were interrupted by Fartstard.
“Where the hell are Damo and Polly?” he asked. “Have you seen them?”
I shook my head. I’d been so wrapped up in Crow, I hadn’t noticed they weren’t around. If anyone was going to be late, it wouldn’t be Damo.
“Are you sure he didn’t head over to the arena earlier?” I asked.
“Nope. And he’s not answering his phone. Matt and Fiona aren’t here, either. If people don’t get their shit together, this tour will go to hell. And I’ll be the one who gets the blame.”
I doubted that, since the public didn’t even know he existed.
Elijah and Jax had no idea where the others were, either.
“Maybe they went sightseeing and lost track of time.” Even though I said it, I knew Damo didn’t lose track of time.
“He’s not answering his phone, either,” Fartstard said.
A sheen of sweat covered Fartstard’s face, and he kept rubbing his nose. Even if we normally got to the arena with plenty of time to spare, Fartstard was feeling the stress.
“I’ll run over and ask the desk clerk if they’ve gone out,” I said. “It’s not like them to sleep in or anything.”
I hadn’t been down to breakfast, so I couldn’t say if they’d been there.
Before I could reach the desk, Damo and Polly got out of the elevator. Fartstard approached them, then stopped dead in his tracks. The look on Damo’s face would stop anyone. He’d gone pale, and he looked just plain terrible.
He gathered us all around him.
“I just got a call,” he said. “Fiona and Matt have been in a crash. Both of them are in hospital.”
My stomach clenched. Just when I’d been thinking about how happy everyone was.
“Shit,” Elijah said, rubbing the back of his neck. “Are they going to be okay?”
Damo nodded, looking at Elijah. “I think so. Matt only had minor injuries, but they want to keep him in overnight. Fiona, they aren’t so sure about.”
I shiver went through me. I didn’t want to think about Fiona being injured.
“Can I go to the hospital and see her?” I asked. “I want to do something.”
Damo screwed up his face. “I’m heading there now. You guys can do your run-through first, and we’ll go later.” He turned to Elijah and Crow. “You guys come with me. We have to change the set list for tonight so we can go on without Matt, and we can work that out on the way. I’m not sure if she can have visitors, but I’ll organize flowers from everyone.”
Damo kept shaking his head. The rest of us turned somber and stared into space for a while. On this tour, we’d become family. We looked out for each other. Fiona had kept to herself, but she was as much a vital part of that family as anyone else.
She’d be okay. She had to be okay. Even though she looked frail, she had a toughness in her.
I held Crow tight before he headed off. In this life, you don’t know what’s going to happen. You have to treasure every moment of happiness you can. I made a promise to myself that I’d always do that. What I had with Crow was a miracle, and I’d work hard every day of my life to make sure it stayed that way.