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“SHIT, LOOK AT THE TIME,” I said.
Fiona and I had been so entranced by sightseeing in Paris, that I’d totally lost track. It was our last day here on the tour before we moved on, and we both had lists a mile long of things we wanted to see. We’d been to art galleries and to museums and all around, but it still seemed we’d hardly make a dent in that list. I guessed that meant we’d have to come back to Paris some other time.
“We’re not going to make it to the hotel in time,” Fiona said. “Maybe you should meet them at the arena.”
I considered that for a moment. All my gear was at the arena, but I wanted to get changed. Going onstage in casual sightseeing clothes wouldn’t cut it. These khaki shorts definitely didn’t say rocker.
“We’ll grab a cab,” I said. “We’ll be cutting it fine, but that’s going to be the fastest way back to the hotel.”
“I can cab it back to the hotel and grab what you need,” Fiona said. “That might be the best option.”
She was right, of course, but I wanted to enjoy every last minute of our time together in Paris. It was only a cab ride, but it’d be the two of us alone in the back of that cab, riding through one of the most beautiful cities in the world.
I jumped out onto the road and had no trouble flagging down a cab. It’d take thirty minutes to get to the hotel, at the most. I’d have time to grab a change of clothes and meet the others to go to the arena.
“We’re in a hurry,” I told the driver. “There’s an extra fifty in it if you make good time.”
I wasn’t sure if he understood English, but he nodded and shot out into traffic. The guy definitely understood money.
I put my arm around Fiona and pulled her close to me. She rested her head on my shoulder. Then I got out my phone and went through the pictures we’d taken during the day.
“This one is great,” I said, holding up a shot of her in front of the Eiffel Tower. “I might make it my phone background.”
She took my phone and zoomed the photo. “Erk, no. I look terrible. Delete it.”
She said that about every photo. Not just the photos I took, but professional modeling shoots too. She could never see her beauty.
“You look gorgeous,” I said. I looked at the photo again. Everything about her in that photo made my heart buzz. The way the wind blew her hair across her face, the crinkles around her eyes as she laughed, the way she leaned forward as though something slightly off-camera held her interest. I’d seen a million of her modeling shoots, but she always looked unapproachable and distant in them. I much preferred my snapshot with her looking real.
The city sped by. The way this guy drove, I’d get the hotel with time to spare. He cut down a narrow back street, totally avoiding a jammed intersection.
Fiona kept staring at the photo. “My face looks a bit blotchy, and that angle makes my shoulders look broad.”
I laughed. “It’s a snapshot, not a professional shoot. You look like you’re having fun, and that’s what I want to remember. I love the way you laugh.”
“I have wrinkles. Look at them.” She slumped back against the seat. “My modeling days are over.”
“I thought they were over anyway.”
She sighed. “I don’t want to go back to it, but still, it’d be nice to have the option if ever I needed to.”
My chest tightened. I was sure she meant nothing by it, but saying she wanted the option seemed like she wanted a backup plan in case things didn’t work out between us. That could just be my paranoia, though. Things between us had been perfect, and they’d keep being perfect if I had anything to do with it.
“I’ll keep the photo,” I said. “And in ten years’ time, I’ll show it to you again. See what you think then.”
She smiled. “I’ll think the same. You could at least put a filter on it.”
“Nope. This is our life, plain and unfiltered.”
I grabbed the seat in front of me as the cab driver took a sharp turn.
“I guess you’re right,” Fiona said. “I’ve spent so much of my life needing to be perfect, then having that perfection airbrushed and Photoshopped. I can’t even remember what I really look like.”
I pulled her tighter. “You look fantastic, no matter what,” I told her. “You look fantastic first thing in the morning, and you look fantastic fresh out the shower. Even when you drool in your sleep, you look fantastic. Because being you is what fantastic is about.”
She smiled, for a second, then that smile turned into a scowl. “I do not drool in my sleep. That’s lies.”
“Oh, yeah, you do.”
She slapped my arm. “You’re full of it, Matty. I look like an angel in my sleep, but you snore.”
I glanced at her out the corner of my eye. “Yeah, and I probably fart too. I’m a disaster.”
Fiona laughed. The sound of her laughter buzzed through me, making me wonder if we’d have time for a quickie when we got back to the hotel. It’d have to be a super-quickie, but this pulse of lust couldn’t be denied.
Before I could answer her, the cab driver slammed on the brakes, hurling us forward. My head slammed against the back of the front seat, then I got hurled back as he came to a standstill.
“What the hell?”
I was about to make a crack about arriving alive being better than arriving fast when I realized he’d stopped in the middle of an intersection. A very busy intersection. Cars circled around us, blasting their horns.
Why?
I was about to ask when I saw the truck speeding towards us.
I screamed, pumping my foot where the accelerator would be, as though somehow that would help.
I threw my arms around Fiona, trying to protect her, wanting to hold her so tight that she’d be safe. But she panicked, screaming and trying to open her door. She couldn’t get out. We both scrambled, waiting for the cab to move, for this disaster to end.
Then the truck hit the cab, and everything went black.
I WOKE UP CONFUSED and disoriented. Machines beeped around me, and I had things in my arm. Where the hell was I?
Someone spoke, but I couldn’t understand a word they said.
French? I was in Paris.
I tried sitting up. I swung my feet over the edge of the bed, then screamed out as pain shot down my side.
I’d been in a crash, and I was in hospital. I understood that much. The machines, the hard bed, the smell: it all made sense. My head swam but I needed to get out of there. I had a concert to play. If I didn’t get to the hotel soon, Damo would be livid.
I tried sitting up and almost screamed out again.
Then it hit me that something much more important was at stake. I searched the room for Fiona, but I was alone.
“Fiona?” I asked, hoping someone here could speak English. It hurt my throat just to say that single word.
The pain of her not being here made the physical pain seem like nothing. I scrambled to get up, ignoring the pangs shooting down my side. Where was she? I needed to make sure she was okay.
A nurse came over and put her hand on my shoulder. “You need to get back into bed,” she told me.
Getting back into bed was the least of my worries. I pushed her hand away, but I could barely shake her off. How weak was I?
“Fiona? Where is she?” That hardly sounded like my voice. I wanted to be strong, but my voice came out like a crying child’s.
“The woman who was with you?” the nurse asked.
I nodded, afraid to speak again. The nurse didn’t answer.
Why didn’t she answer? I didn’t want to think the worst, but someone had to tell me something.
“Tell me,” I said, trying to keep calm. I had to stay calm, otherwise panic would consume me.
“She’s in the operating theater,” the nurse said.
I inhaled. She was alive. That was good. That was really good. But the operating theater—that told me nothing, really.
I’d get out of this bed, no matter what. As the nurse walked away, I grabbed the hand rail and heaved myself forward. The swimming in my head got worse, but I ignored it. I could sit up. I could swing my legs over the side of the bed. Sure, it hurt, so I bit down on the inside of my cheek to keep from crying out. I slid down and put my feet on the floor.
That was it. Almost there.
Then I put my weight on my feet, and the world spun around me. I couldn’t hold my own weight. I reached out for something to grab, but there was only the curtain. That gave me no support at all, and I sank to the floor.
Everything went black again.
After I woke the second time, the first thing I did was try to get out of bed. I’d get out of this room and find Fiona. I had to see her no matter what.
The nurse came running over. A different nurse, this one with a cheeky grin. Her name badge said Mary.
“Sorry,” Nurse Mary said. “You have to stay in bed.”
“But my girlfriend. I need to see her. Is she okay?”
Memories of the crash came back to me. The truck had struck Fiona’s side of the cab. She’d have suffered much more from the impact than I had. I put my hands to my face.
Nurse Mary tsked. “They’re operating at the moment. Even if you could get out of bed, you wouldn’t be able to go to her.”
“Is she going to be okay?”
She picked up a chart and wrote on it. “I can’t promise you anything, but she’s getting the best medical care. The hospital spoke to someone from your tour, and they said to spare no expense.”
I nodded. Thank goodness for that. I didn’t want to know about her medical care, though. I wanted to know if she’d be okay. This lack of answers frustrated the hell out of me.
“When will you know?” I asked.
“I’m not sure. As soon as we know anything, though, we’ll tell you. Meanwhile, try to rest. You’ve got a nasty bump on your head and a lot of bruising.”
“I’m fine,” I told her.
She raised an eyebrow. “Is that your professional medical opinion?”
“Ah, no, but I feel fine. I’m sure getting out of bed won’t kill me.”
Nurse Mary poured a cup of water and handed it to me. I gulped it down, not realizing how dry my throat was until the water hit it. Before I could argue any more, Damo walked in.
The nurse gasped. I was sure Damo had the kind of presence that made women gasp even if they didn’t know who he was, but that nurse knew. She went all starry-eyed staring at him. Then she straightened up her uniform and gave him a wide grin.
Damo ignored her and walked straight to my bedside. “You’re awake. That’s a good thing,” he said.
“Shouldn’t you be at the arena?” I asked.
“I’m on my way, but I wanted to check on things here first.”
“Sorry about this,” I said. “I’ve screwed up the tour.”
“Don’t worry about the tour. We can go on tonight without you. The shows in Barcelona, too. Just concentrate on getting better.” He grinned. “I might be a slave driver, but I’m not about to force a man out of his hospital bed to go onstage.”
Nurse Mary hovered at my bedside. I tried to smile. I didn’t want to look weak in front of Damo, but how tough can you look in a hospital bed?
“They won’t tell me much about Fiona,” I said. I stared down at my hands and tried to stay unemotional.
“I don’t think they know much,” Damo said. “She got hurt bad. It’s going to be tough.”
It was damn awkward, being in bed like this, in one of those lousy hospital gowns. I didn’t really have much else to say to Damo beyond that. Being alone was best for now.
There was one thing I had to ask him. “Can you keep this out of the press?” I asked. “Not so much about me, but Fiona. I’m not sure she’d want people knowing.”
Damo nodded. “I’ll do my best. Obviously, it’s going to be noticeable that you’re not playing, and people will ask questions, but I won’t mention her name. It’s been pretty low-key that she was with you on tour from the start, so hopefully no one will make the connection. Anyway, I’ll go now and let you rest. Everyone sends their best wishes.”
He stood up, looking uncomfortable. Hospitals were like that.
“Don’t worry about the shows,” he said. “Getting better has to be your main focus. I’ll call in tomorrow before we leave town.”
I nodded. It wasn’t the shows I was worried about. It was Fiona.
Damo left.
I preferred being alone. With so many emotions flooding through me, I didn’t want anyone around in case I broke down. I sure as hell didn’t want to cry in front of Damo.
How was I supposed to rest when Fiona’s life hung in the balance? She couldn’t be taken from me. Not now. From the first moment I’d set eyes on her, I’d known she was the only woman I’d ever love. I’d fought so hard to be with her. Then, when we’d finally gotten together, this happened. We’d had a few months of perfect happiness, and I’d imagined that happiness stretching on forever.
If Fiona didn’t make it, I wasn’t sure I wanted to, either. She’d been the focus of my life for as long as I could remember, and I couldn’t imagine existing with her gone.
But she would come through this. I had to believe that. She was a fighter, tough as nails. She’d survived so much already.
I turned to face the wall. This had been my fault. I’d been the one to insist on getting a cab back to the hotel. I’d told the driver to speed up. If I’d done as she’d suggested and gone straight to the arena, she’d be fine now.
Instead, I might have destroyed everything. If she didn’t survive, it’d be my fault, the same as if I’d killed her with my bare hands. That wasn’t something I could live with.
NOTHING IN MY LIFE had ever been as hard as waiting for word about Fiona. Every footstep in the hallway could be someone bringing news. Every voice. I tried to distract myself, but how do you distract yourself when the one you love is hanging between life and death?
A doctor came in and said I could have the drip removed from my arm. That was something, at least. The pain wasn’t as bad as it had been, and I could sit up without getting woozy. Being more lucid, though, just made it harder not to worry.
I rang the bell. I needed an update.
“No news yet,” the nurse said. “We’ll let you know as soon as we hear.”
But what if they didn’t? They might get busy and forget about me.
“I need to know the very instant,” I said.
She patted my hand. “Of course. In the meantime, is there anyone you need to contact? Your phone is at the desk. I’ll get it for you.”
My phone had survived intact, but Fiona hadn’t? Anger rose in me at the unfairness. I wanted to punch someone, but who could I punch? God? Fate? The cab driver?
I took a deep breath to control that anger, but the effort caused me pain.
I nodded to the nurse. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, but there were people who needed to know. Madeline, Fiona’s manager, was one. Even with Fiona no longer working, there were business things to be taken care of. The other one was Ash. Ash Savage, my ex-bandmate from back in my pop star days, Fiona’s ex-boyfriend and best friend to both of us. Ash didn’t just need to know, he’d kill me for not telling him.
The nurse returned with my phone. I stared at it for a long time. There wasn’t a crack or even a scratch on the screen. I knew it was stupid, but I hated that phone so much for coming through the accident unscathed.
I turned it on, and the background image came up. The photo we’d been looking at in the cab. It’d seemed so long ago that we’d been standing in front of the Eiffel Tower, Fiona clowning around while I took photos. Now, this might be the last photo I’d ever have of her. I touched the screen, wanting to touch her, not just a photo. Even in the still image, life oozed from her.
I got up Madeline’s number but couldn’t bring myself to press the button. In the end, I chickened out and sent her a text, telling her I’d update her when I knew more.
Then I brought up Ash’s contact. He couldn’t be fobbed off with just a text message. Maybe, if I waited a little bit, I’d have concrete news for him.
But I waited and waited, with nothing more to tell.
Later that night, I had to call him. I pressed his number, then almost hung up as it rung. I’d probably go to voice mail, anyway.
“Hey, Matty. What shit have you gotten yourself into now?” he asked. Then he chuckled.
“Ash,” I said.
I couldn’t say any more. My voice cracked, and I almost lost it.
Ash’s chuckling stopped. “Shit, mate, are you okay? You sound like hell. What’s happened?”
Sounds buzzed in the background of the call, people talking around him. In the hallway outside my room, a trolley clanged. I shut my eyes. If I didn’t say the words, they’d never be real.
“Matty? Matty? Are you there?”
I steadied myself. “It’s Fiona,” I said.
“Damn. Another bender?” Concern filled his voice. And with Fiona’s drug problems in the past, I could understand him jumping to that conclusion.
“No.”
I tried to keep talking, but I hated saying the words out loud. I wanted to pretend that Fiona had just popped out to do some shopping, and she’d breeze in the door any minute. I wanted to block out the thought of her somewhere in this hospital, fighting for her life.
“Matty?”
I had to tell Ash. I couldn’t call him like this, get him concerned, then not explain.
“We had a crash, and...”
I dropped the phone. I wasn’t sure what else to say. Ash kept talking, his voice coming out distant and tinny from the phone on my lap. I had to pick up that phone.
“Ash?”
“Is she...”
“She’s in the operating theater now,” I told him. “Nobody knows a thing.”
He made a sound like he was sucking in his breath. I wasn’t sure what else to tell him. There was nothing else.
“Where are you? I’ll jump on a plane. I’ll get there as soon as I can.”
“Paris, but hold off. I’ll know more soon.”
To my ears, it seemed like someone else was speaking. Someone calm and rational, saying the words I was supposed to say. I kept holding the phone to my ear, but no more words came out. Ash didn’t speak, either. The silence buzzed, and while it would’ve been easier to talk to fill in the void, the effort to form words was beyond me.
“Tell me as soon as you know anything,” he said eventually.
“Sure.” I hung up and went back to waiting.
There was a crack in the beige wall opposite me. I stared at that crack. If I kept my gaze on it, I wouldn’t see the equipment or the curtains or the bed. I wanted to forget I was in hospital. If I could just make my mind go blank, it’d be easier to cope.
I should call my family. I knew they needed to know, but talking to Ash had taken so much out of me. I toyed with the phone, but I knew no matter how much I reassured her, Mom would freak out.
A nurse came in with a tray of food. “Can you eat?” she asked.
I shook my head, then waved for her to take the food away.
“Just a few bites. You really need to have your medication with food.”
“Will the medication made me sleep?” I asked.
I didn’t want to be out of it. What if there was news and I missed out on it because I was asleep?
The nurse bustled around, putting some pills on a tray for me. “It might make you a little groggy, but you’ll be awake. It will help manage the pain, though.”
“Surely, you must know something,” I said. “It’s been hours.”
She gave me a sympathetic smile. “I’ll call through and see if there’s any updates.”
I nodded.
She came back a while later. “The doctor will be down to see you soon. She’s still not out of danger, but if she’s survived this long, there’s a good chance. There’s extensive damage, but they’re doing all they can.”
I took my pills, then went back to staring at the crack in the wall. It seemed that was all I had in life. This room had become my entire world, and that world was a prison, keeping me away from Fiona.
Being confined to this bed frustrated the hell out of me. If I could take action, if I could punch someone or yell or even bargain, I would.
Finally, a doctor came to speak to me. “She’s out of the operating theater,” he said.
I sat up. “So, she’s okay?”
“She’s not out of the danger zone yet. We need to monitor her for the next few days. She’ll be in the ICU.”
“I can see her?”
“She won’t be awake until tomorrow, and I’m not sure you’re well enough.”
“I need to see her. I need to be with her.” I tried to sit up. “Please.”
He slowly shook his head, but he called for the nurse. It took a bit of organizing, but they took me up to Fiona’s ward in a wheelchair. I held my breath as they wheeled me in. I wasn’t sure what to expect.
I WANTED TO RUSH TO Fiona, to hold her in my arms, but with all the equipment around her, that would be impossible.
The nurse wheeled me to her bedside, close enough that I could hold her hand. I entwined my fingers in hers. She looked so tiny and frail in that bed with all the machines attached to her. Bandages covered her face and most of her arm.
“Doctor Roche will be here in a minute,” the nurse said.
After he came in, Doctor Roche went through Fiona’s injuries. I didn’t follow most of what he said, but it seemed she’d had her lungs lacerated.
“It was lucky that someone trained in first aid was there to help,” he said.
I nodded. I couldn’t remember any of that. Why had I blacked out? I should’ve been aware enough to help her.
“She has other injuries too,” he said. “Several dislocated limbs and soft tissue damage to her face. She’ll need more surgery when she’s strong, and maybe, eventually, plastic surgery for the scarring.”
“The facial damage isn’t permanent, though?” I asked.
The look of disgust from the doctor hit me with a jolt. Did he think I cared about that? Just the fact that Fiona had survived was enough for me but I knew if she woke up with a scarred face, she’d have trouble coping.
“It’s too early to tell, and her recovery is our main focus at the moment,” the doctor said. “If her appearance is the most important thing for you, maybe it’s better you don’t spend too much time—”
I put my hand up to stop him, shaking my head. “It’s not about me,” I said. “I’m just not sure if she’ll deal well with injuries to her face.”
He looked from Fiona to me.
“She was a model,” I added.
I didn’t want to say that Fiona’s self-esteem was still very wrapped up in her looks. How even a stupid photo of her looking less than her best had upset her.
“If she gets through the next week, she’s going to need to spend a lot of time in rehabilitation,” Doctor Roche said.
I nodded. I had a thousand questions I wanted to ask him, but right now, I wanted him to leave so I could have some time alone with Fiona. Every breath she took, every beep on that machine, became precious to me, because they meant she was alive.
Finally, the doctor left.
I rested my forehead against Fiona’s hand. Her skin felt so cold. I wanted to warm her, but I was afraid to mess with any of the equipment attached to her. If I could only hold her hand, I’d hold it with all my might. If I held it for long enough, my strength might flow into her.
Eventually, a nurse came in. Nurse Lucy. “You have to go back to your room,” she said. “You need to get your rest.”
“No. I can’t rest unless I’m with her.”
Nurse Lucy screwed up her mouth. “I’ll bring a tray of food, and if you eat it, we might be able to let you stay an extra hour.”
“That’s blackmail,” I said.
“Yeah, I’m an evil bitch. What you going to do about it?” She grinned. “And you need to keep your strength up. Skipping meals isn’t going to do her any good.”
I’d eat every bite of that meal. If it meant more time with Fiona, I’d do anything.
Fiona let out a little murmur. I stood up, watching her in case she woke up. She just twitched a little, as though having a dream.
When Nurse Lucy returned, I asked her when Fiona would be conscious again.
“Maybe not for the next few days.”
The nurse put the tray of food on the table near me, then checked Fiona’s details and wrote things on her chart.
Fiona twitched again.
“Is she supposed to do that?” I asked.
The nurse nodded. “Yes, it’s fine. It’s just the nerves reacting.”
I stayed by Fiona’s side for as long as I could, but eventually, they made me go back to my room.
“Can’t I sleep here?” I asked. “I’m fine in the chair.”
“You need to keep your strength up. There’s a long haul ahead,” the nurse told me. “When she wakes up, you want her see you strong and healthy.”
I thought I wouldn’t sleep, but they must’ve given me something, because I didn’t wake until morning. Not long after that, Damo visited. He brought in flowers and gifts from everyone on the tour.
“How is she?” he asked.
“Out of surgery. Doing well,” I told him.
He smiled. “That’s good to hear.”
“They think she’s going to have a long rehabilitation. We might need to talk about that.”
He nodded. “We’ll worry about that later. The main thing is for you both to recover.”
Then he held out a bag to me. Pajamas! Not having to wear this stupid hospital gown would give me back a whole heap of my dignity.
“Crow and Elijah are packing up your room this morning. We’ll get your bags sent here. I just hope you have nothing private sitting around, because Elijah will never let you hear the end of it.”
I gave him a weak grin. “Nothing too bad.”
“We’ll be back in Paris after Barcelona, so we’ll pop in to see you. Polly and Fay really wanted to come in with me, but I wasn’t sure you’d cope with that.”
I nodded. As lovely as they both were, I preferred to be alone.
When he left, it felt like my connection to my past life went with him. There was only the two of us alone in this city, me and Fiona. We didn’t know anyone here, no one to lean on. I had to get strong and do it fast, because Fiona needed me.
AFTER I’D BEEN CHECKED and medicated, Nurse Mary wanted to give me a sponge bath.
“Hell no,” I told her. “I can shower myself.”
“Damn. That was going to be the fun part of my day,” she said with a wink. “If you think you can handle it, I’ll get everything ready. You’ll need to use the shower chair because you shouldn’t be standing for long. And there’s a handy buzzer in there. Don’t be worried about using it if you feel dizzy or anything like that.”
I nodded. A shower would be amazing. I hadn’t realized how gross I felt until she’d mentioned it.
“Once you’re done, you can put on your fancy new PJs and go up to see your lady love,” she said. “Although the shower might tire you out.”
She wasn’t wrong about the shower. I’d never known showering could take so much effort, even though I was sitting down on that weird chair. As much as I wanted to see Fi, I had to sit down for a while to recover.
I gave Ash a quick call and told him to hold off on visiting. “She’s out of it at the moment. And I’m not sure if she’ll want visitors for a while.”
“You have to tell the doctors about her addiction,” he said.
Damn. I hadn’t thought of that. I’d talk to them about it today.
“Listen, Matty,” he said. “Don’t play the tough guy. Don’t hold it all in. If you need help, or just someone around for support—hell, even if you just need a shoulder to cry on, let me know. I can hop on a plane any time. Alice will come with me. If not me, then call your parents. You have people who care.”
“I’ll keep that in mind,” I said.
“Don’t just keep it in mind. Act on it, mate.”
When I got to Fiona’s ward, not much had changed from the night before. I swept her hair from her face and lightly traced my fingers over the bandages, weeping inside over the damage that had been done to her. I’d been responsible for this, and I had to make it right.
I sat down and held her hand. I wasn’t sure what else to do, except sit there watching the machines.
One of the nurses came in. “You should talk to her,” she said. “Even if it seems like she can’t hear you, nobody knows for sure. Your words might not reach her, but the sound of your voice might be soothing.”
I nodded. That made sense.
I just stared at Fiona’s hand until the nurse had left and we were alone.
“Ah, Fi, I’m not sure what I’m supposed to say. You’re alive, and that’s an amazingly beautiful thing. Nothing in this world makes me happier than you being alive.”
It seemed like her fingers tightened a little around my hand, but maybe I imagined that.
“You’re in the hospital, and everyone here is lovely. You’re getting the best care, and, little by little, you’re growing stronger. Soon, you’ll be awake, and we’ll be able to talk properly. No matter what, I’ll look after you. I promise you that. I’ll look after you for as long as you need.”
I couldn’t see much of her face because of the bandages, but she seemed peaceful. I wasn’t sure what else to say. I sat silently for a while, and soon my breathing fell into the same pattern as hers.
If I couldn’t talk, I had to do something.
There was a song from back in my old boy band days that Fiona really loved. I began singing it to her, quietly at first, because I felt like a bit of an idiot singing away like that, but as the song progressed, my voice grew stronger.
When I finished, I started another song. One of the Freaks’ songs this time. Singing helped. It helped me, at least, so that’s what I did. The hospital and all that tragedy seemed to dissolve around me. It was just Fiona and me and the song. It made me believe that everything would work out and be back to normal soon.
At the end of the song, someone clapped, and I spun around to see Dr. Roche standing in the doorway.
“It’s not every day we have a real rock star performing in here,” he said.
“I’m hardly a rock star,” I told him. “I stay in the background.”
He walked into the room. “Still, you’re a talented man.”
I moved out of the way while he checked on Fiona.
“I’ll be out of your hair shortly,” he said.
“Actually, there’s something I need to talk to you about,” I told him.
I went on to explain about Fiona’s struggle with addiction. He wanted to know exactly what she’d been taking.
“I’m not completely sure,” I told him. “I wasn’t around her all the time. Pills, booze, coke. I think that’s mainly it.”
He nodded. “Opiates? Heroin or the like? I saw no signs of injection.”
“I can’t be totally sure, but I don’t think so. I think she was more into the party drugs. I can check with her manager, but even she wouldn’t know exactly what Fiona took.”
The doctor clicked his tongue. “We’ll have to take that into account with her treatment. It will make things more difficult, but we don’t want to set her down the path to further addiction.”
That made sense.
“She’s a fighter,” he said. “I guess she’s got a lot to live for.”
I nodded. “I fell in love with her when I was just a kid, really. She’d walk into a room and light it up with the life force in her. You’d hardly believe it, seeing her like this, but she just buzzed with life, so vibrant and bright that she made everything around her look dull.”
Although I spoke to the doctor, my eyes never left Fiona’s face.
I couldn’t even pinpoint when that vitality stopped being natural and had become enhanced by the drugs she took. Back in those days, we’d all worked insane schedules. We were products, pumped for as much money as we could make, then thrown away once we were no longer of use. Drug use went with the territory. If it meant more hours of work or looking brighter for the camera, they’d be freely given.
Then, after work, at a club or a party, everyone wanted to be friends with the celebrity. If drugs bought that friendship, you’d be offered them in spades.
I’d been lucky to have such strong family support. I’d always wanted to be able to look my parents square in the eye, so I’d pushed the temptation away. But Fiona had never had anyone to look after her except her manager. I’d been there for her, and so had Ash, but we were just as young and stupid.
“So, the two of you have been together for a long time,” the doctor said, interrupting my thoughts.
“Not so long.” I gave him a wry smile. “I fell for her, but it took over ten years for her to return my feelings. I never thought we’d get together. For so many years, it seemed like an impossible dream. I can’t lose her now. Not after all of that.”
The doctor smiled. “We’ll do everything we can, of course. Now, I’ll leave you to your singing.”
I moved back close to Fiona and took her hand in mine again. Just like the doctor said, I kept singing. I couldn’t do much, but I could do that. I sang every song I knew. I sang until my voice went hoarse. Anything to keep her close to me.
A nurse came in with lunch for me, so I took a break to eat it. Then I kept singing and talking until they came to take me back to my room.
“Just a while longer,” I said.
Before the nurse could answer, Fiona’s eyelids fluttered.
“Did you see that?” I asked.
The nurse nodded.
“I can’t leave her now.”
“It’s probably just her nervous system reacting. I don’t think she’ll be awake until tomorrow, at least.”
She could say that, but Fiona had definitely reacted. She wanted me to stay with her. I knew that. She responded, and soon she’d be fully awake. All I could do was count my blessings that she’d come through this.
THE NEXT MORNING, IT felt like this had always been my routine. Wake up, ask for news of Fiona, then get ready to go to see her. When Nurse Mary came in, she had some news for me, though.
“You might be discharged soon,” she said. “The doctor mainly wanted you in here for observation, and since you’re never in your bed to observe, he’s kicking you out.” She grinned, amused at herself.
“Oh,” I said. “I hadn’t really thought about that. I don’t have anywhere to go.”
It felt stupid to say that. After all, I should’ve known my discharge would be coming soon, but my mind had been on other things.
“Do you have friends, or anyone you know in Paris?” she asked. “You’ll get discharged sooner if you have someone to care for you.”
Apart from a few record company people and the like, there was no one.
I grimaced and shook my head. “Are there hotels near the hospital? I’ll need to be close by, and hotel staff are almost as good as friends to care for me.” I tried to give her an appealing grin. That line about hotel staff was a huge stretch.
“We have printouts at the desk with a list of hotels that we give to family when someone’s admitted, but they aren’t fancy places. Nowhere near the standard you’d be used to.”
I shrugged. “If they’re clean and close by, that’s all I need. Until Fiona’s out of here, I won’t be spending much time in my room.”
“We can pick up the sheet when I wheel you upstairs,” she said. “But you might still need help with showering and getting dressed. I’d be happy to pop in and do that for you.”
I laughed. “I think I’ll cope.” I got into the wheelchair.
“Damn. I thought you rock stars were all man whores, but you only have eyes for her, don’t you?”
“I sure do. She might wake up today,” I said.
I’d miss Nurse Mary with her harmless flirting when I left this place. Some of the other nurses did their jobs and left, but she always sparkled with mischief.
“She might wake, but even if she does, she’ll be groggy and confused. Don’t expect too much.”
I nodded. Just seeing her awake would be enough.
I sat beside her bed again, holding her hand and singing.
“She’s getting stronger,” the doctor told me when he came in. “I wouldn’t say she’s completely in the clear, but things look more hopeful.”
I’d become convinced she could hear me. When I spoke, I was sure she responded with a flicker of her eyelids or a twitch of her hands. I talked to her about the dog we’d adopt when the tour finished and about the happy life we’d have. I talked about all the fun things we’d done on this tour. We’d been dorky tourists, checking off to-do lists in every city. Weirdly enough, despite both of us having had a lifetime of travel, we’d never taken the time to actually see things in the cities we’d visited before this tour.
This tour had given us time to relax and explore things. It made me glad I’d waited, because I got to see them with Fiona and create all those memories.
I thought about singing to her again, but before I could, her hand moved.
It most definitely moved.
I jumped up. “Fiona? Fiona?” I squeezed her hand.
Her eyelids didn’t just flicker; she opened her eyes and looked at me. I wasn’t sure if I should buzz for the nurse or stay with her.
“Can you hear me?” I asked, and she squeezed my hand again.
I gulped. This was definitely a good sign. I wanted to stroke her face, but the bandages made that difficult. I was so glad I was the one she saw first when she woke. She knew I was here with her and she wasn’t alone.
I buzzed for the nurse.
“She’s woken up,” I said when a nurse came. “She opened her eyes.”
As the nurse bustled around, checking things, I didn’t take my gaze from Fiona’s face. She opened her eyes again, and this time she seemed to focus on me.
“Matty?” Her voice was hoarse.
“I’ll get some water,” the nurse said. “If she can drink it, that is.”
“I’m here, Fi, and you’re going to be okay.”
When the nurse returned, she had a tray. “I’ve got ice chips too, in case she can’t drink.”
I took the jug from her and poured a glass of water, then held it to Fiona’s lips. I tried to keep my hand steady even though I shuddered with excitement. She’d woken up, and she’d said my name. From here on, she’d only get stronger and better.
Her face twitched. “It hurts to smile,” she said.
“You smile just fine. But you’re all bandaged up.”
I didn’t want to tell her about the injuries to her face. Not yet. There were so many other things I wanted to tell her. She’d get better, and I’d make sure every day with her was the best day of her life. I couldn’t take a single one of those days for granted.
Soon, she dozed off again.
“She’ll be like this all day,” the nurse said.
I sat by her bedside, talking and singing. After a while, Nurse Mary came back up.
“You have to go to your room. The doctor wants to see about discharging you.”
“But she woke up. What if she wakes again and I’m not here?”
She put her hand on my shoulder. “It’s tough, but you want to get out of here, right? Anyway, you’re in that wheelchair, so you don’t have much choice.”
I nodded and went with her. The doctor looked me over and said I’d be fine to be discharged. He gave me a sheet with a list of care instructions.
After that, I got dressed in real clothes and went back up to Fiona’s room. Soon, I’d have to book a hotel and organize all that, but I wanted to stay with her for as long as possible.
A little while later, she woke again. She wanted to say something, but she couldn’t speak. Her hands fluttered around, showing her distress. I tried to give her some water, but she couldn’t drink, so I called the nurse for more ice chips.
“It’s okay,” I said, smoothing down her hair. “Relax. You can talk later.”
When the nurse bought in the ice chips, I gave Fiona some. I sat on the bed beside her, still smoothing her hair.
“Matty?” she said.
“Don’t try to talk,” I told her. “Just rest.”
She shook her head and reached for me. “Go back on tour,” she said.
“It’s fine. The guys can play without me. They’ve gone to Barcelona, and I can join up with them later. The main thing is for you to get better. I’ve got all the time in the world to go on tour. Right now, I have to be with you.”
But she’d fallen back asleep, and I wasn’t sure how much she’d heard of that.
A little while later, another nurse came in. “We’re about to give her something to help her sleep, so you should get yourself organized.” She glanced at my bags. “Get some sleep and come back in later.”
I hated leaving Fiona, but I didn’t have much choice with the nurse throwing me out. This hospital seemed to have the bossiest nurses I’d ever met.
I BOOKED A ROOM AT the first hotel on the list. It was about five minutes’ walk from the hospital, but they made me take a cab.
“Don’t push yourself too hard,” the doctor told me. “You’ll be weak for a few days.”
I opened the cab door and was about to get in when my stomach clenched. It was only a short distance, but I did not want to get into that cab. Logically, I should be fine. What could happen on a five-minute drive down quiet streets? Still, my mind screamed at me not to get into that car.
As I stood with the door open, half in the cab and half out, the driver yelled something in French. I had no choice but to get in.
“Drive carefully,” I told the driver.
He snorted and took off.
I’d booked into the hotel for a week since I had no idea how long I’d be staying. When I got to my room, I opened the suitcases. I wanted to take out all of Fiona’s things. She might not want anything now, but I knew as soon as she started feeling better, she’d want her makeup and maybe some pretty things around her. I took out her sleep stuff and put it in a pile to take back to the hospital with me.
I’d wanted to send the flowers Damo had brought in to her ward, but the nurse had said she couldn’t have them in ICU. Instead, they got taken to one of the old people’s wards. When Fiona got better, I’d fill her room with flowers. I’d send more flowers to the old people, too. It made me sad to think of people in hospital with no one to bring them flowers or visit.
From my room, I had a view of the hospital. I wondered if I could see Fiona’s room from there.
Even though the nurse had told me to rest, I didn’t think I’d be able to sleep. That freshly made bed called to me, though, and I figured a short kip wouldn’t hurt. When I lay down, the softness of the mattress seemed to embrace me—it was so soft after trying to sleep on the hard hospital bed. I wondered if I should get some kind of mattress topper for Fiona if her stay was going to be longer-term. That was the last thought I had before I fell asleep.
When I woke, it was dark outside. How long had I slept? I’d only wanted an hour at the most. I checked my watch. Shit, I’d been out for five hours. I scrambled to get dressed and get back to the hospital. Not wanting to get into another cab, I walked the short distance. Rushed, more like it.
“You look like hell,” the nurse said when I reached the ward. “You’ll be back in here if you don’t watch yourself.”
I nodded. I felt a bit woozy too. “I slept. I slept too much. I should’ve set an alarm.”
She tsked. “You obviously needed it. Don’t be too hard on yourself. You’re in this for the long haul, and it’s better to pace yourself. I know what I’m talking about. I’ve worked here a long time, and everyone wants to be with their loved ones every minute of the day, but you have to look after yourself first.”
People kept telling me that, but I couldn’t stomach the thought of Fiona waking up alone. Why couldn’t they let me sleep in her room?
“How has she been?” I asked.
“Sleeping most of the time. She’s had some ice, and we gave her a sponge bath.”
I handed the nurse Fiona’s sleep stuff.
“Wow, she’s got some fancy things here,” the nurse said. “Much better than the ugly hospital gowns. Are you sure she’d want to wear them? They might get all messed up while she’s still in intensive care.”
She didn’t elaborate on that, and I didn’t ask.
“It’s fine,” I said. We can buy more.”
The nurse put Fiona’s things away.
“Matty?” Fiona opened her eyes again. She moved her arm a little, and I grabbed her hand.
“I’m here.”
Fiona nodded, then closed her eyes. She stayed like that for the rest of the day, drifting in and out of sleep. Dr. Roche did his rounds and said he was really happy with her progress.
“When can she leave ICU?” I asked him.
“I’m not sure yet. We’ll keep monitoring her, but maybe in the next day or so. I’m sure it will be much nicer for her to have a regular room and have some of her things around her. Nicer for you too.”
Fiona woke again and looked around in confusion. “Where am I?” she asked.
“You’re in the hospital,” I explained.
She stared at me. “You should be on the tour,” she said again.
“Things are under control,” I told her. “I’m here with you. Don’t worry about the tour.”
She shook her head but drifted back to sleep.
As I sat beside her, I knew that the chances of me going back on tour were almost nil. I wouldn’t leave Fiona, no matter what she said. My place was right here. There was no rock left in me.
FIONA SEEMED EVEN STRONGER the next day. She stayed awake for longer periods and was less confused.
“Can you get me a mirror?” she asked when she woke. “I must look a mess.”
A cold shiver went through me. I hadn’t expected her to be that lucid, and no one had told her yet about the lacerations. Since bandages covered most of her face, she wouldn’t be able to see them, but even the bandages might stress her.
“I don’t have one,” I said. “I’ll ask the nurse later. Do you want me to brush your hair?”
She nodded.
I moved to sit on the bed beside her. I didn’t want to push her over to make more room, so I perched with my butt on the edge of the bed. I took her hairbrush and began to gently brush her hair. It was difficult because the bandages covered some parts of her head, but I separated the chunks of hair that were free. I didn’t want to pull on her head or cause her any pain.
“That’s nice,” she said. “Madeline used to brush my hair. Where’s Madeline?”
“She’s busy with some other clients,” I said. “She might come to see you later.”
I wasn’t sure where Fiona thought she was, or if she even realized we were still in Paris. I’d had a few messages from Madeline since I’d contacted her, asking for progress reports and sending her best wishes. There was no way she’d come to visit, though. As much as Madeline liked Fiona, business always came first with her, and a client who was no longer working wasn’t a priority in her books.
As I brushed Fi’s hair, I sang to her.
“I’ve always liked that song,” she said. “Remember when Ash’s mic screwed up?”
I laughed. We were supposed to be lip-syncing during a TV performance, but someone screwed up and gave Ash a live mic. He could never lip-sync without singing under his breath, and that went to air, the song with his breathy singing like a ghost over the track. I had never been sure if it was an accident or if one of the crew had wanted to make him look like a dick.
Funny that Fi remembered that. I’d long since forgotten it.
“He was so angry about it,” I said. “He stomped around, swearing vengeance on the crew, but of course no one ever confessed to doing it.”
I kept singing and brushing. When I got to the end of the song, I stopped. “Have you had enough? I don’t want to tire you out.”
Fiona nodded. I lowered her bed and arranged her pillows so she could sleep. Then I went to the nurses’ station.
“She wants a mirror,” I said. “I’m not sure if she should see herself at the moment.”
The same nurse was on duty. Nurse Lucy. “You think it’ll stress her?” she asked.
“I know it will.”
“We’ll make sure no one take a mirror into the room, not until she’s more able to cope. After the bruising and swelling go down, it’ll look a lot better, too. The poor dear. I followed her modeling career. She was a stunning woman.”
“She’ll always be a stunning woman,” I said. “She’s got a gorgeous heart. The public have rarely seen that side of her.”
That side had sure never been covered in the media: her gentleness and sweetness. But there’d been plenty of stories about her being screwed up and trashed.
“If she’s sleeping, you should slip downstairs and get something to eat,” Nurse Lucy said. “The food’s not half-bad down in the cafe. They do a decent cup of coffee, too. Maybe even grab a book or a magazine. It must get boring sitting at her bedside.”
I didn’t want to disappear for too long, but maybe grabbing a sandwich and a coffee would be a good idea. I could bring something up to Fiona’s room for later, too.
When I got down to the lobby, I had a bit of a look around. I’d only rushed through earlier. There were several places to eat, but only one that looked like a cafe. There was also a florist and another shop with all kinds of hospital needs.
The woman in the cafe made me a coffee to go, and I grabbed a few things to eat, enough supplies to see me through the afternoon. I got one of the celebrity gossip magazines, too. Fiona liked to flip through them sometimes.
I’d just gotten out of the elevator on Fiona’s floor when I heard a scream.
That was her. I knew Fiona’s scream. I rushed to her room.
Fiona was still lying in the bed, but tears streamed down her face. She had a mirror in her hand.
A nurse, one I hadn’t seen before, stood by her bedside.
I stepped into the room, and Fiona looked up.
“Get out!” she screamed. “Get out, and don’t come back. Don’t ever look at me like this.”
Hell, that nurse had given Fiona a mirror. She’d seen her injuries.
Fiona kept screaming, and I wasn’t sure what to do. I tried to go to her so I could comfort her, but she kept screaming at me to get out.
Nurse Lucy came in and looked around.
“Get out, Matty!” Fiona screamed again. Then she picked up a paper cup filled with water from the table beside her bed and flung it at the wall.
I got out of the room. I sat on one of the seats lining the hallway, wondering what to do next.
A while later, I heard Nurse Lucy having words with the other nurse, and Nurse Lucy didn’t hold back. But no matter what she said, the damage had been done. I could hear Fiona’s sobs from where I was sitting, and it ripped me apart that I couldn’t be with her, comforting her. Every single sob sounded like a reprimand to me. I wasn’t sure how much Fiona remembered of the accident, but there was only one person to blame.
I sat there for a long time. I still had the coffee and food in my hand, but I no longer wanted any of it. I could walk to a trash can, but even that seemed like too much.
“Maybe you should stay away for a little while,” Nurse Lucy said. “She’s very upset. It’ll take time for her to accept this. Come back in the morning and see how she is.”
The nurse could be right, but staying away from Fiona was the one thing I couldn’t do.
I’D KNOWN FIONA WOULD react badly, but it ended up being much worse than I’d ever expected. The next day, when I went to the hospital, she didn’t want me in her room. I waited out in the hallway for the whole day in case she changed her mind.
She even refused to let Dr. Roche in, and when he insisted, she begged him for more painkillers.
“I can’t look at myself like this,” I heard her say. “I need something.”
I didn’t hear the doctor’s answer, but it didn’t satisfy her.
She yelled. She abused him. I wondered if I should move away rather than sit there and listen. Then I heard a clunk as something hit the wall. She’d started throwing things. At least she had the strength to do that. I guessed that was a good sign.
Not long after, Dr. Roche came out of her room covered in water. She’d definitely thrown things at him.
“If she continues like this, we may have to restrain her,” he said. “She’s very angry, and we can’t put the nursing staff at risk. I’m going to assign a psychologist to her. There are obviously a lot of issues she needs to work through. Issues from before the accident, even.”
I stood up so he wouldn’t tower over me. “She won’t like that,” I said.
“Whether she likes it or not, it’s necessary. Her treatment is our main concern, but that doesn’t mean we’ll tolerate our staff being treated badly. When you said the facial injuries would upset her, I hadn’t realized it’d be such a huge thing. Most people would be grateful just to have survived without major damage.”
I nodded. He was right, of course. One of Fiona’s worst points was the way she took out her temper on those around her, and right now, she had a lot of anger. If she directed it at anyone, it should be me, not the nursing staff.
Dr. Roche paced as though thinking through things before he spoke. “I think maybe one of the social workers might be the best thing. I’ll get someone to speak to her.”
“How is she, apart from that?”
“Her lower body was barely affected. Once she settles down, we’ll start her on some simple exercises so the muscles don’t atrophy. We’ll have her up and walking around as soon as she’s able. Her right arm only has superficial injuries, so that makes her capable of functioning. In a month or so, we’ll assess whether we need to operate again.”
“Is there anything I can do for her?”
“Until she wants to see you, it would be best to stay away. When she gets too upset, it can be a big setback. Maybe go out and see some of the city.”
I couldn’t do that. The whole time, I’d just worry about Fiona. “Not likely. I’ll wait here until she wants to see me. There’s nothing else I can do.”
He nodded. “It’s up to you. But don’t put your entire life on hold for her.”
That was exactly what I planned to do, because Fiona was my life. The rest of it was just distractions.
While I waited, I contacted Ash and let him know what had happened. Part of me wondered if Fiona would’ve been better off with Ash here instead of me. Ash always knew how to handle her. The two of them could be volatile as fuck together, but they understood each other. He’d probably have forced his way into the room and yelled back at her until she saw sense. If she threw things, he’d throw them back, even with her being in recovery.
I could never be that person, but maybe someone like Ash was exactly what she needed right now. Someone strong. I had never seen myself as a weak man, but I didn’t have the unquestioning arrogance that Ash had, either. He never doubted or second-guessed himself. Even if he was going to do the most stupid thing in the world, he surged forward, full force. I preferred to sit back and look at things from all angles. After turning things over and over in my mind, I’d make a decision.
I guessed that was why the other guys still spoke to me while they barely had anything to do with Ash. He irritated the hell out of people, to the point that they couldn’t be in the same room with him.
Surely, there had to be something I could do, not just wait outside this room. I needed Fiona to understand my feelings. I needed to her to let me in, even just a little.
Then I had an idea. She didn’t want to see me, but that wouldn’t stop me from communicating with her. She didn’t have her phone with her in the ICU, so I asked the nurse for a sheet of paper and a pen. I could write down my feelings and get the nurse to give the letter to her.
Then I sat back down on the hard plastic chair that had probably worn a groove in my butt.
I started: Dear Fiona.
That sounded awfully formal, but I couldn’t think how else to start. Maybe one sheet of paper had been optimistic. I might need a whole heap of paper before I could get this right. I couldn’t write letters. It’d been years since I’d written one. I had so many things I wanted to say, but that blank sheet in front of me pushed every thought out of my head.
I sucked on the end of the pen. Where did I even start?
This shouldn’t be so difficult. I wrote songs. I’d written songs that people loved.
I sat up. That was what I had to do. Not a letter, but a song. Write it like song lyrics, wrapping up my feelings for her. Of course I wouldn’t actually write a song, but I had to think the same way. What was the most important idea I needed to get across?
That I wanted to be with her, no matter how she looked—but I had to be careful how I said that. I didn’t want to sound like I meant she was ugly now.
Fiona, you’re more beautiful to me now than you’ve ever been.
Good. That was good.
Just seeing you alive showed me how much you mean to me.
Without you, I couldn’t survive. Every breath you take is precious to me. Every moment of your life means the world.
I want to be with you. I want to be the one beside you, supporting you. Holding your hand or whatever you need.
So far, so good.
Don’t push me away. Not now, when you need me the most. Don’t turn my love away. Together, we can get through this.
I read back through what I’d written. There was something else I needed to add, but I wasn’t sure I had the courage to say it.
I sucked on the end of my pen for a long time, considering what I should say.
I know this is all my fault. Every day, I wish I’d never told that cab driver to hurry. I hope one day you’ll forgive me.
I folded the page and took it to the nurse. “Can you give this to her?” I asked.
The nurse nodded. “I’ll give it to her. I can’t make her read it, but I’ll make sure she gets it.”
After that, there was nothing left to do but go back and wait.
WHEN THE NURSE HANDED me the letter, I brushed it away.
“It’s from Matt,” she said.
“I know.”
“You should read it. He’s a good man. He’s been sitting outside your room. We thought he was going to lose it when you were in danger. He loves you a great deal.”
When she put the letter back on the table in front of me, I didn’t push it away, but I didn’t pick it up, either. I didn’t want to read his words. I knew what he’d say, but I’d always been a burden to him, and now I wasn’t even a pretty burden.
“He’s too good,” I said. “He deserves better.”
The nurse put her hands on her hips. “He deserves better than being made to sit outside your room until you get over your little tantrum,” she said. “You could’ve easily died on that operating table. You came close, in fact. You’ll have the use of all your limbs, after some therapy, and you’ll get over this. The pain will go away. You’re being a fool if you think a few scars mean that much.”
“A few scars? A few scars?” I couldn’t keep my voice from rising. “My face is a mess, a vile mess. I’ll never be myself again. Even if I have plastic surgery and the other things they’ve suggested, I’ll never be the same.”
The nurse huffed. I did not like this hospital. The nurses were way too mouthy.
“That’s life,” she said. “Even if you hadn’t had this crash, you’re not going to look the way you did in your twenties forever. You can’t cling to that, and a pretty face is no good if you spend all your time treating people like shit. Not just your boyfriend, but all the staff in this hospital, too.”
“You should leave,” I said. “I need to rest.”
I turned my face away from her and closed my eyes. I didn’t want her talking to me like that. I was paying a lot of money to be in this hospital, and I was going to put in a complaint about her. She’d be a lot less mouthy if she didn’t have a job.
After she left, I stared at that paper, but I wouldn’t read it. I didn’t want Matty getting to me. I didn’t want him staying with me because he felt sorry for me. If he looked at me with pity, I couldn’t stand it. What sort of life would he have with me looking like this? The rock star and his damaged girlfriend? That would be hell. Photos of me all over the media. Disgusting before-and-after shots. The whole world turning against me. I’d rather go into hiding than have people see me looking like this.
In my entire life, I’d only had one thing going for me: my looks. I’d had nothing else. A trashy mother who never gave me a second thought, no brains, no sense. I’d learned a lot about pity back then, going to school in ratty clothes and not having enough to eat. The other students had pitied me, but that pity was only a small step away from contempt. I’d never even felt like second best, because that would’ve been too high up the ladder.
I’d stayed on the bottom rung. Sometimes, a teacher would buy me lunch, and I’d wolf it down even though I hated taking charity.
Then Madeline had made me a worldwide sensation. I’d gotten everything I’d ever wanted and more, because of my face. I had no illusions that it had been anything else. Okay, not just my face, but my body too. I had the looks every girl wanted. Instead of pitying me, the world envied me. Those girls from school who’d looked down on me now wanted to be my friends, but I quickly left that place far behind me.
Even after I stopped modeling, when I got together with Matty, that feeling never left me. I had to be more beautiful than any other woman in the room. That was the only way I could justify my existence. Being on the tour had been difficult.
First Polly, then Fay; the two of them not just gorgeous but talented as well. I envied them so much. I couldn’t even imagine what that would be like, to have a talent that was more than just looking good.
I peeped at the letter out of the corner of my eye. It hadn’t gone anywhere. It still sat on the table, mocking me.
Instead, I focused at the machines beside my bed. This room must cost a small fortune. Even though it was bare bones, it had that expensive, private hospital feel to it. The curtains were high quality, and the room didn’t have that peculiar hospital smell. I’d been in enough hospitals in my life to know.
I couldn’t stay awake with my thoughts for too long, and that damn doctor wouldn’t give me any more painkillers. If ever I had needed drugs, it was now. I needed to take away the bleak reality that stretched before me.
Eventually, I dozed off. I wasn’t sure how long I had slept when the nurse woke me to examine me. She could’ve let me sleep.
The letter still sat on the table, and the nurse glared at it. She could keep her glares to herself, as well as her words. This was none of her business.
I knew she thought I was an evil hag, making Matty sit out there on his own. If ever it came to people judging Matty and me, I’d be the evil one. Matty was too good, and I was always the fuck-up.
“Do you want to sit up for a while?” the nurse asked.
“No.”
“Do you—”
“I don’t want anything. Just leave me alone.”
She walked out. Good thing, too. I didn’t like her. I didn’t want anyone in here. Who knew what they’d say to people? One time, a nurse had sold some photos of me in hospital after an overdose. This one looked like she’d do the same thing as soon as she got the chance. I’d ask if I could have another nurse. I really didn’t like her.
I tried to sleep again but couldn’t. That’s what happens when you get woken up at random times.
That letter.
I’d just screw it up and throw it in the bin. Then it’d be gone, and it wouldn’t look at me so accusingly any longer. I reached for it and scrunched it in my hand, then dropped it. I’d need to unfold it to scrunch it properly. It was difficult to do one-handed, but my left hand still didn’t work that well.
I opened the page up, ready to screw it up again, but a few of the words caught my eye.
I was more beautiful to him now than ever? Really? What a sap.
Did he mean that, or was he just saying words I wanted to hear? How could he see me as beautiful when I looked like this? I’d never think of myself as beautiful again. Even on my worst day, I’d never looked this bad. His words mocked me.
A tear came to my eye. I wiped it away. I would not cry. Not ever.
I knocked the letter to the floor.
Stupid letter. Stupid Matt. He made me so angry with his goodness.
Then I looked down. The letter had gone under the bed, and I could only see the edge. What else had he said? I couldn’t reach it; just leaning over hurt too much. Something ripped inside me.
I sure as hell wouldn’t call for that nurse to get it for me. She’d have a look of smug satisfaction on her face if I did.
Why had I done that? Now, I’d never be able to read that letter.
I curled my pillow over, wanting to hide my face.
My life had been destroyed, and the only thing I wanted was that man sitting outside my door, but my pride wouldn’t let me call for him.
I GOT SENT BACK TO the hotel after a while.
“You can’t stay here all night,” the nurse said. A different one. The shifts had changed. “Get some sleep.”
That was all they ever seemed to say. “Get some sleep. Get some rest.” There were more important things in life than rest, but I didn’t want to argue. I got a cab back to the hotel. Even though I’d done nothing all day, my body ached and all the strength had drained out of me.
When I got back to my room, I called Mom. I needed to tell my parents about the crash, but I’d put it off, knowing Mom would fuss and fret. But there was the possibility the media would find out—the Freaks had played a few shows, and people would’ve noticed I wasn’t onstage with them. If Mom read that somewhere, without me saying anything, I’d feel like a real bastard.
“Mom, before I say any more, I want you to know I’m fine.”
“What’s wrong?” she said. Panic rose in her voice, but there was no good way of leading into this.
“I said I’m fine. We were in an accident, and I’ve—”
“I’m coming to you. I’ll get on the next plane.” Of course she assumed the worst.
“I’m fine. Really. I’ve been released from hospital with a clean bill of health. I’m a bit sore, but there’s no damage.”
She finally breathed. “You aren’t lying to me?”
“No. I thought you should know, because I’ve had to drop out of the tour for a while.” Then I had to tell her the hard part. “Fiona’s not so fine.”
“Oh?”
Every time I had to tell someone this, it was like living it all over again. “She was hurt much more badly than I was, but she’s improving rapidly.”
“Oh dear,” Mom said. “That’s not good. She’s lucky she has you there with her.”
Maybe not so lucky. I didn’t want to go into the whole situation with Mom. That was more than I could bear talking about. “She’ll take a long time to recover, but she’ll bounce back from it. She might need a few more operations.”
“If you need anything, just call us,” Mom said. “I wish I could be there with you. Fiona’s like family, and we’d do anything for her.”
After I hung up, I turned on the TV just to remind myself that there was a whole other world out there. The noise kept me distracted a little, even if I paid no attention to the screen.
I had a shower, then came back to find a message on my phone.
Maybe we should be there with you. Mom xxx.
I was about to message back to tell her she didn’t need to do that when a second message came through.
Flights booked for tomorrow. See you soon. Your father and I have always wanted to see Paris.
I sighed. Beneath everything, beneath the part of me that said a grown man shouldn’t need his mother, I felt a sense of relief. I could do this on my own, but maybe it’d be much easier with someone to lean on. And maybe Mom could help Fiona in ways that I couldn’t.
And after all, if they wanted to come to Paris, who was I to stop them?
I messaged back to get the flight details, then asked if they wanted me to book a room at the hotel for them or if they preferred somewhere more central. This wasn’t a great location for sightseeing.
She got back to say that of course she wanted to be near the hospital. Then she sent through a thousand questions. While I answered them, I ordered room service. This could take a while, but I was happy to answer every question she had. Looking up train schedules from the airport and the best restaurants to recommend—the normality of it relaxed me.
Finally, I had to tell her I needed to go to bed.
Sorry. You need your rest.
Just talking to her had put things into perspective. Fiona would feel bad for a while—the nurses had warned me that she could act in irrational ways—but that didn’t mean she was pushing me out forever. She needed time to adjust. I shouldn’t expect anything more than that. I couldn’t let her moods get to me.
The next morning, I didn’t even try to go into Fiona’s room. I waited outside, asking the doctor for news.
“She’s making good progress,” he said. “We’re thinking of moving her to her own room today. If she’s well enough to swear at the nurses, we figure it’s time.”
He chuckled. That seemed much better than the threat of restraints yesterday. From what I’d seen of the nurses around here, they could hold their own when it came to swearing.
While I waited, I got in touch with Damo to ask how the tour was going, and then sent Ash an update.
If anyone can sort her out, it’s your mother :)
Ash wasn’t wrong there. Mom had a way with people. The more I thought about it, the more Mom coming here seemed like the right thing. Fiona would definitely take nurturing better from Mom than from me.
My butt started getting numb from all the sitting, so I walked around the ward. I needed to stretch my legs, but I took care not to look into the other rooms. People needed their privacy even if the doors were open.
Hospitals were such miserable places. It was all too easy to get too wrapped up in your own tragedy to realize you were just one of many.
I kept walking, down to the cafe to grab a coffee. I wanted the chance to move around more than the coffee itself.
A teenage girl wheeled up to me in a wheelchair, her leg in plaster. “You’re one of the Freaks,” she said.
“Shhh.” I put my finger to my lips. “We don’t want everyone to know that.”
“Can you sign my cast? I wanted to go to your concert so bad, then this happened.” She smiled in a beguiling way.
“Sure thing. Anything for a fan.”
I looked around for a pen, something that would work on the plaster. The girl behind the counter handed me a Sharpie they used for writing on the take-out cups.
“What’s your name?” I asked the girl.
“Angelique,” she said. “You can sign it to Angie if you like.”
“Is that what your friends call you?”
“Yep. Angelique, what a lame name.”
I signed her name with a big smiley face. At least, I hoped it looked like a smiley face. It was a bit distorted. Signing plaster isn’t as easy as you might think.
“What are you doing in the hospital?” Angie asked.
“I’m...” Shit, this kid looked innocent enough, but she was a fan. You couldn’t just say things to fans. They might mean well, but if they started posting on social media, that stuff could go viral real fast. “I’m visiting a friend,” I told her. That seemed vague enough.
“Shouldn’t you be in Barcelona?” she asked.
Damn. I stared at the containers of cookies on the counter. Maybe if I bought her a cookie, she’d stop with the questions. Unlikely, though.
“I had a break, so I came back to Paris,” I said.
She’d find out soon enough that I wasn’t playing in Barcelona if she went online, but that was the first thing that had come into my head.
I took my coffee back upstairs, cursing myself for being careless. I needed to work out a story so I could get out of situations like that. The last thing I wanted was a bunch of reporters swarming the hospital and Fiona getting involved in that. My only hope was that I wasn’t newsworthy enough for most people to care.
I KNEW MATTY HAD COME back to the hospital, but he hadn’t even come into my room. I could hear him joking around with the nurses. Why didn’t he come in? Surely, he hadn’t taken me seriously when I told him to go away and not come back.
I wanted to be strong, but I regretted the things I’d said to him. I needed him, and maybe that was selfish. Still, for a little while, I could cling to him. Later, when I was stronger, I could convince him that he should let go. That seemed like a plan. In a week or two, I’d make him see sense and free him from any obligation he felt. No one would expect me to do that yet, though.
I strained to hear what he said to that nurse. I couldn’t hear his words, just that chuckle.
If he was going to bother coming here at all, he should come into my room. He could brush my hair again. That had been nice.
I picked at my blanket. At least the nurse had changed me into some decent clothes this morning. She’d put aside most of my sleepwear, saying that I couldn’t wear anything lacy until my skin healed.
“But it’s expensive lace, not that cheap, scratchy stuff,” I’d told her.
In the end, she held up a satin camisole and matching shorts in a pale pink.
“I’m not sure the skimpy shorts are appropriate, but it’s not like you’re well enough to be climbing in and out of bed,” she’d said. “And that satin will feel lovely on your skin.”
“That color suits me, too,” I’d said. “Well, it used to.”
My heart sank. No color would suit me from now on. What color matched bruises and scarring?
“If you get cold, let me know. I’ll get a jacket for you. It’s not a very warm outfit.”
I shook my head. “This hospital is way overheated, if you ask me.”
Before she left, I wanted to ask her to pick up the letter from under my bed, but the words stuck in my throat. What sort of hospital was this, anyway, that they didn’t clean under the beds? There could be all sorts of dust and grime building up under there.
The rest of the morning, I’d slept on and off until I heard Matt’s voice.
I yearned to call out to him, to ask him to come in here.
Why didn’t I have anything entertaining in my room? My phone would be good, and a TV set would help too. Surely, I was well enough to go to a regular room. The doctor kept promising, but I hadn’t been moved yet.
Another nurse came in later to take my temperature and all that other messing around.
“You might be out of here soon,” she said.
“Everyone says soon, but no one says when,” I said. “It’s all too vague.”
“We can’t make any promises,” she said.
I bit my lip. I didn’t want to ask, but I had to. “A letter fell under my bed,” I said. “Can you get it for me?”
She looked at me without moving.
“Please,” I added.
She picked up the letter and handed it to me.
“Thank you,” I said.
As I read through the letter, a few tears spilled onto the page. I loved Matty. I loved him so much. He knew just the perfect things to say. I didn’t want to inflict myself on him, and I didn’t want his pity, but I had to accept that, right now, I needed him. I needed him to be with me, and I needed the love he gave me because, without it, I would have no reason for going on.
I just had to hope that one day he’d forgive my selfishness for wanting him to stay with me.
When I got to the last part of the letter, I trembled. He blamed himself for the accident? Why would he do that? If anyone was to blame, it was that stupid cab driver.
“Matty,” I called out, not sure if my voice was strong enough to for him to hear. But he heard me and came into my room.
He smiled at me as though nothing had changed between us.
“How are you feeling?” he asked.
I shrugged—well, half-shrugged; my left shoulder wasn’t of much use. “I’ve been better,” I said.
“You’ve been a lot worse, too,” he said.
He wasn’t wrong about that. I had a lot of half-memories of nights when either he or Ash had dragged me home from nightclubs. And those were just the nights I could remember. I was sure there’d been others I’d completely blacked out. How could he love someone like me?
He came and sat beside me. Just the nearness of him made my heart settle. All the anger inside me flowed away. Even if it was for a short time, I’d let myself be happy with him.
“I don’t blame you,” I said, trusting he’d understand I meant the accident. “How would you know the cab driver was an idiot? I didn’t even see what happened, just that he suddenly slammed on the brakes, then a truck came barreling into us.”
He nodded. “Same. But I shouldn’t have told him to speed.”
I gave him another half-shrug. You could talk forever about whose fault it was, but it meant nothing. That’s what happens in life. You can’t foresee every tragic event that might happen.
“Will you brush my hair again?” I asked him.
“Sure.”
“And sing that song I like.”
“Of course.”
I shuffled over a little so he could sit on the bed beside me.
“Don’t tax yourself,” he said.
“I’m fine. I’m just shuffling.” I tried not to let the pain the movement caused show on my face.
When he sat down, I leaned back against him. The warmth of his body against my back made me happier than anything had since I’d first woken up in this hospital. There was only the thin satin fabric covering me. Damn, this might not be good. I assumed sex was on the “off limits” list at this point, but the nearness of him stirred up a bunch of feelings in me, and this camisole only emphasized the swelling of my nipples.
As the brush swept gently through my hair, I almost purred. “That’s nice,” I said.
Matty carefully put his arm around my waist, making sure he didn’t get tangled in any of the tubes and wires coming off me.
I laughed. “It’s kind of ridiculous, isn’t it? This tangle of junk coming out of my body.”
Matty put his lips close to my ear. “Your laugh is the best sound I’ve ever heard.”
“Oh, Matt, you do like to exaggerate.”
“No lie. You seem in a much better mood today. I’ve got some news. I’m not sure how you’ll feel about it, but my parents are coming here. They’ll get in tomorrow.”
I tried to turn to him, but winced. “That’s fantastic. Your parents are lovely, and they might stop you from killing yourself looking after me.”
“So long as you don’t mind being fussed over,” he said. “Mom can go a bit overboard.”
“She’s not the only one in the family,” I said.
Matty’s lips brushed gently against my bare shoulder, running a shiver though me. “Sorry,” he said. “I forgot for a moment.”
“Don’t stop,” I said. “I might be injured, but I’m not dead.”
He laughed. “You sure?”
“Positive.”
His lips moved up to my neck, softly nuzzling against me. I squirmed, even though the movement shot pain through me. I’d suffer those small pains for this pleasure. His hand moved up from my waist to encircle my breast. I shut my eyes and moaned a little. God, I wanted him so much.
“Shit, sorry.” Dr. Roche stood in the doorway, blushing in a way a man with his medical experience shouldn’t. “But I came to tell you that you’re out of here. At least if you have your own room, you’ll have some more privacy.”
I figured I might as well ask the question on my mind. “So, how long until we can have sex?”
WE MOVED FIONA TO HER new room. She had a private room, of course, with her own bathroom and lounge area. Even the colors and the decor looked more like a fancy hotel than a hospital room.
“Best room in the place,” Dr. Roche said. “You even get a view over the city.”
I looked out the window. He wasn’t wrong. Hopefully, being able to see the outside world like that would brighten Fiona up a little. A city view was always nice, but when that city was Paris, it became charming.
“Shut the curtains, Matty,” she said. “I don’t like the sun coming in.”
Okay, maybe I was wrong about the view.
“I’ve got all your things at my hotel,” I told her. “I’ll bring them in.”
“Don’t bother about makeup or any of that. It’s pointless worrying about how I look. There’s not much I can do with this face.”
The doctor lingered around for a while. “Umm, about that other thing you asked...”
“You mean about the sex?” Fiona said. “You’re extremely coy for a man who goes poking around in people’s innards.”
Okay, it seemed the melancholy mood had passed quickly.
“Ah, yes. Well, surgery is one thing, but I’m not a gynecologist. You will need to wait until everything has settled down. A few weeks, at least. You could cause further damage otherwise.”
Even though the curtains were closed, the doctor stared at the window.
“What about other things? Oral? Is that okay? Fingering? Is it the physical motion, or should I avoid orgasms altogether?”
Fiona’s mouth twitched. She really enjoyed embarrassing that poor man. It’d been way too long since I’d seen that cheeky glint in her eyes. I’d have tried to stop her but, to be honest, I rather enjoyed watching this, and I really liked hearing her say those words. Also, I wanted to know the answers as well.
“I’ll get someone to come and speak to you about it,” Dr. Roche said, then rushed from the room.
She laughed.
“That was mean,” I said to her.
“He’s a doctor. He should be able to answer questions about my body without acting like a schoolboy.”
I guessed if torturing the medical staff made her happy, that was a good thing. So long as she didn’t torture them too badly. And really, I’d thought the French were much more open-minded than that. The poor man couldn’t get out of this room fast enough.
“I really do think we should hold off,” I said. “I don’t want to hurt you. You’ve just had major surgery.”
She smiled as though I’d just presented her with a challenge.
Not long after that, she drifted off to sleep. She wasn’t as strong as she liked to make out, and I imagined moving rooms had tired her. I went downstairs to get something to eat and stopped by the florist.
When Fiona woke up, her room would be filled with flowers. I wanted her surrounded by gorgeous colors and scents so that her room felt less like a hospital and more like a garden. In the end, I bought so many that I couldn’t carry them all upstairs.
“I can get someone to bring them up later,” the woman said.
I gathered a couple of the larger bouquets in my arms. “I’ll take these now.”
When I got to the elevator, I realized I couldn’t press the button. I leaned to one side, trying to get my hand to it without spilling flowers everywhere, but one of the nurses rushed over and got it for me.
“Thanks,” I said.
“No problem. Someone is very lucky.” She nodded at the flowers.
Fiona still hadn’t woken up when I got back to her room. I put one of the bouquets on the table near the window, and another bouquet beside her bed. I sat in one of the armchairs, which was much more comfortable than the chairs in ICU, and thought about what else Fiona would like. I wasn’t sure if the fashion magazines she liked to read would upset her now. I’d never seen her read a book, so I had no idea about her reading tastes. She’d definitely need things to keep her entertained while she was in here. Maybe I needed to get some DVDs for her to watch.
When she woke, she wanted me to brush her hair again.
“I’m not sure that’s a good idea after what happened last time.”
“I’m sure it’s a good idea,” she said, her voice husky.
“You heard what the doctor said. I think we should avoid temptation at the moment, because, as much as I want to look after you, I’m not sure if I can control myself that easily.”
“But it’s much more fun than just lying here.” She pouted.
I worried that she’d think I found her undesirable now but that was so far from the truth, it was laughable. “It’s not that I don’t want to. Trust me on that. Every inch of my body aches for you.”
“Are you sure you’re not just aching from the accident?”
I moved to the chair beside her. “I’ll hold your hand. That’s as far as we’ll go.”
“Boring.”
“Boring, but necessary. You don’t want to be back in the operating theater, do you?”
“I guess.” She tightened her hand around mine. “It is nice being close to you. But really, Matt, you need to get back on tour at some point. You can’t spend your life sitting by my bedside. Maybe, after your parents arrive, they could stay with me and you could rejoin the tour.”
I grinned at her. “What makes you think I want to go back on tour? All that traveling and getting up onstage—I’m a bit over it. It’s nice just hanging out here.”
“You can’t fool me,” she said. “That’s your life. The Freaks are doing so well. You want to be part of that. You might never get the chance again.”
I wasn’t sure how to make Fiona understand that that wasn’t that important to me. Fame had never meant much. I liked playing music, but the rest of it, I’d happily leave behind.
Then the guy arrived with the rest of the flowers.
“My God, Matty. I’ll be living in a garden,” Fiona said. “I’m not even sure I have room for them.”
She sounded happy, though. I moved things around so there were flowers no matter where she looked.
“Put the roses next to my bed,” she said. “I like those the most.”
When I left that night, I wanted to kiss her goodbye. Not a chaste kiss, either.
“You don’t have to,” she said. “It must put you off, seeing my face like this.”
I cupped her face in my hand and looked into her eyes. “Not one little bit,” I told her. “So long as it doesn’t hurt you, I think kissing is okay. The doctor didn’t say not to do it.”
I drew closer to her, trying to position myself so I wouldn’t press too heavily against her body. Our lips met, and none of the passion between us had diminished at all. She put her arm around my neck. As our kiss deepened, I tried my hardest to stay in control. I didn’t want to hurt her, but God, how I needed her.
Then she pulled back and winced.
“Damn. I’m sorry,” I said. I pulled back.
“I’m fine. Really.”
But she lied. I knew it. I couldn’t let things go any further. Damn, this was going to be a long few weeks.
I SAT STARING INTO space for a long time after Matty left. I hadn’t expected him to kiss me. Not with this ugly face. Sex was one thing, kissing a whole other one.
When the nurse came in, I asked her to open the curtains so I could see the city lights. Night views always seemed much prettier to me than daytime. Cities all lit up and sparkling.
“Anything else I can get for you?” the nurse asked.
“Nothing I can think of.”
“You really should think about getting a hobby. You’re in for a long stay, and it’s going to get incredibly boring. What do you like doing? Reading?”
I moved around to look at her, but that movement twinged through me. The nurse came over to my bedside and adjusted my pillows.
“Sorry,” she said. “I shouldn’t have gone out of your range of vision when I was talking to you. You shouldn’t have to move like that.”
The nurses on this floor seemed much nicer than the ones upstairs.
“I’ve never read much,” I told her. “Only fashion magazines, and they aren’t very appealing at the moment.”
“Why not?” the nurse asked.
“Look at me. Do I look like a fashion magazine person at the moment?”
The nurse shrugged. “Look at me. Do I look like a fashion magazine kind of person? But I like reading them. You don’t have that much to worry about, not with that figure. Sure, you’ll have a bit of scarring, but trust me, I’ve worked on the burns ward, and the scars you’ll have are nothing compared to that.”
I looked at her, not as a nurse but as a woman. She did have a chunky figure, but she wasn’t bad-looking. She definitely needed some mascara for those fair eyelashes and a better hairstyle, but I guessed when you had a hard day of nursing ahead of you, you didn’t fuss around with those things.
“I could give you a makeover sometime,” I said. “Maybe when you’re off duty.”
Her face lit up. “You’re kidding,” she said. “I have a date on Friday night. Could you do it when I finish work, then?” Then she looked at me. “Sorry if I’m being selfish. I know you’re still not in the best condition. I got a bit carried away.”
I shook my head. “Of course I’ll do it. I can’t guarantee the results at the moment, since my left hand’s pretty useless, but I could talk you through it. I’ll get Matty to bring in my makeup.”
“You’re sure it’s okay?” she said.
I looked at her. “Nurse Lucy, you said I needed a hobby. Well, this is my hobby, I guess. I’ve sure got no interest in sitting around doing needlework or collecting stamps or anything like that, but I’ve always like playing with makeup, and since I don’t have the face for it, I can use yours.”
Lucy grinned. “You can use mine all you like, but I should go check on my other patients now.”
The next day, I asked Matty about it when he came in.
“I have to go back to the hotel at lunchtime, when Mom and Dad arrive, so I’ll grab it then,” he said.
I’d forgotten his parents were arriving. Even though I looked forward to seeing them, I was a bit nervous too. They were such lovely people that I’d feel like I had to be on my best behavior around them.
The other thing was that I wasn’t sure I wanted to see other people at the moment, not looking like this. I’d only been around the medical staff and Matty. To the medical staff, I was just another patient. My face meant nothing to them. But to people I’d known before, they’d have to get a shock seeing me. And that would only get worse once these bandages came off.
At least the tour had moved on. That meant I had no one to visit me but Matt. I hadn’t had to deal with seeing pity in anyone’s eyes.
“Maybe we should wait a while before your parents come in to see me,” I said. “I’m not sure I’m ready for visitors yet.”
Matty looked a little disappointed, but he nodded.
All too soon, it was time for him to leave.
While he was gone, I slept. Then the physio came in to do some exercises with me.
“When can I get out of bed and move around?” I asked. “My legs are fine, right? So I can walk.”
“Not yet. We can work up to that. You don’t just use your legs when you’re walking. All your other muscles come into play too. Don’t be too impatient. We do need to get you moving your legs, though.”
I’d wanted to use my legs yesterday, but the doctor had forbidden that kind of exercise.
He did some exercises with me and told me to do them a few times a day.
Matty came back in that night.
“How are your parents?” I asked. “Are they settled in okay?”
“They sure are. We had lunch together, and then they went out sightseeing. Not to mention, Mom bought a ton of food with her. You’d think they didn’t have food in Paris.”
He laughed.
We sat together, not really talking, for a long time. We didn’t need to talk. He held my hand but wouldn’t move any closer. He acted like I was some kind of fragile doll. Even with the pain, I hated being treated like that.
I’d thought I could be with Matty for a short while, then let him go, but I wasn’t sure if that was possible. How could I make a break from him like that? I’d never loved anyone like I’d loved him. Sure, for a long time, I’d thought Ash was the one for me, but that had been a schoolgirl crush. I couldn’t imagine Ash sitting by my bedside like this. He’d be off flirting with the nurses until I got so mad, I’d be back in on the operating table.
In my life, I’d known a lot of men. You don’t get on in the modeling world without meeting more than your fair share of sleazebags. Even the better guys I’d met were still jerks, just to a lesser degree. And for years, I’d had Matty beside me, taking him for granted. I’d wanted to make that up to him. When we got together, I’d planned to make him happy for the rest of his life, but how could I do that now?
MY PARENTS HAD ALREADY checked in when I got to the hotel, so I went straight to their room. Mom opened the door and swept me into the tightest hug ever. I had never known she was that strong.
Then she let go abruptly. “Sorry. I forgot you were still recovering. Did I hurt you?”
“Nope, I’m fine. I wasn’t hurt that bad. Where’s Dad?”
“He popped out to get some things. Fancy a cup of tea? He’s bringing back milk.”
I didn’t really feel like tea, but I knew it’d give Mom something to do. Even though they’d just arrived at the hotel, something about their room felt like home.
I sat in the chair by the window. I’d booked them a suite, since it’d be the two of them and they’d be here for a while. I could deal with a small room, but they needed something better.
Mom put the kettle on, then gave me a searching look. “Are you looking after yourself?” she asked.
I nodded.
“You’re lying, Matty. I can tell by looking at you that you aren’t. I asked at reception, and they’re bringing a microwave up to the room. It won’t be much, but at least I’ll be able to make some decent food for you to eat. You can’t live on hospital food alone.”
It was then I noticed all the food she’d bought with her. “How did you get that into the country?” I asked.
“Oh, no one asked me anything, so I just breezed on through. I’ve got a few jars of my homemade jam for you to take back to your room.”
I nodded. I wasn’t sure when the last time I ate jam was but it was easier just to take it. “You know they have food in France, right?”
Mom nodded. “They do, but it’s fancy French food, not home food. You can’t live on frogs’ legs, either.”
I laughed and didn’t bother to explain that they ate other things here, too. Even though she bustled around, the tension drained from my body being around her. I’d been blessed, having such a close family.
Dad came back in with a bag of groceries. “Ah, Matt, you’re here,” he said.
Mom took the groceries from him, and he sat down with some guidebooks, asking me questions about sightseeing routes. I didn’t know much more than he did, but I answered his questions as best I could.
After Mom finished making the drinks and sat down, she turned to me. “How is Fiona? Is it bad?”
I hadn’t wanted to talk too much about Fiona, but they’d want to know.
“She’s recovering well, but she hides a lot,” I told her. “But I’m lucky just to have her with me still. It was scary there for a while.”
I stirred some sugar into my tea, not sure how much to tell them.
“It must be so difficult for her. Can we go in with you later?”
“She doesn’t want any visitors for a while. She’s very self-conscious about her looks.”
Mom nodded. “Maybe in a few days’ time.”
“Maybe.”
We had lunch, then I headed back to the hotel. Mom and Dad wanted to get straight into their sightseeing.
“Aren’t you jetlagged?” I asked them.
“No, full of beans,” Mom said.
I took Fiona’s things back to the hospital, happy that she was taking an interest in the people around her.
“I think this is everything,” I said, setting a large cosmetic case on the table.
Fiona nodded.
I sat by her bed. I wanted to get closer to her. Every day was becoming a struggle with my self-control. I knew it was for Fiona, too. Even kissing her yesterday had been more than I could handle. I should’ve been able to hold myself back, but when my lips touched hers, I hadn’t been able to stop myself. When I got back to the hotel, I’d needed a cold shower.
I hadn’t realized until then that she would think I wouldn’t want to kiss her. I wanted to kiss her a million times, and I would as soon as she felt better. Instead, I just held her hand tighter.
Even if sex was off the agenda, I needed to think of ways to let her know I still desired her. I wasn’t sure how, but that was the most important thing right now.
“Do you want to take a trip when we get out of hospital?” I asked her, hoping that making plans for the future would cheer her up.
“Where?” she asked. “I’m not sure there are many places I want to go. A tropical resort is out of the question, and anywhere bustling with people.”
“We could go to the countryside. Just you and me, and nothing but birds and wildlife around us. It’d be peaceful.”
She nodded. “That might be nice.”
The main thing I wanted her to understand was that we did have a future. Nothing had changed.
She hadn’t mentioned anything about me returning to the tour for a while, and I hoped that meant she’d grown accustomed to the idea.
I wasn’t sure if I should kiss her before I left. I wanted to, but if I kissed her, I wasn’t sure I’d ever stop.
It only took one look at Fiona’s face for me to know I could never leave here without kissing her.
––––––––
I WANTED MATTY TO KISS me goodbye, but I wasn’t sure if he would. Those physical touches meant so much to me, but I understood why he wanted to hold off. When he stood up to leave, I moved over to make room for him beside me on the bed. He gave me a questioning look but sat down facing me.
“We have to be careful,” he whispered.
I nodded, but I had much more in mind than being careful. I wanted to do something nice for Matty. I wanted to give him some pleasure to repay him for all the time he spent with me, and I wanted to give myself the joy of watching him. There wasn’t much I could do in this state, but I’d been thinking about it, and I wasn’t completely useless.
He moved closer, and I put my hand on his leg. At least I still had one good arm. I put my other arm over his shoulder, reveling in the smell of his body and the warmth of him. As much as he said we had to take care, I couldn’t resist him.
I moved a little closer to him. So far, nothing hurt.
As his lips met mine, I moved my hand up his thigh. He tried to push it away, but I held it there. I wanted to touch him. I wanted to know that I could still arouse him.
“No, Fiona,” he whispered.
“Let me,” I replied.
No matter what his words said, that gleam of passion in his eyes told me that he didn’t want me to stop.
I moved my hand higher until I felt his cock through the fabric of his pants. It didn’t take me long to get him hard. My entire body tingled at the feeling of his hard cock. I kept moving my hand against him.
“We shouldn’t,” he said. “What if the doctor comes in again?”
“He won’t. Not at this time of night.”
I knew the routine by now. No one would disturb us, not until the nurse came around in an hour or so. We had the curtain drawn around the bed and the door closed.
I moved my hand to undo his fly. It took some effort, doing it one-handed, but I managed.
Matt sucked in his breath. That sound did amazing things to my body. Just knowing I wasn’t useless made me happy.
I slipped my hand inside his fly, my fingers connecting with the hardness of his shaft. Matt couldn’t stay still. He shuffled down, lowering his pants to give me easier access.
His lips caressed mine as I moved my hand lightly down the length of his cock. I tickled my fingers over his balls, then gripped him harder.
Something clanged in the hallway and he jolted, but I didn’t weaken my grip on him.
“It’s okay,” I whispered.
I kept moving my hand, pumping him, watching the pleasure on his face. He leaned back, consumed with the moment. As the precum leaked from his tip, I used my thumb to rub him.
He made little noises of pleasure. I ached to do more than this, to have him touch me while I touched him. To mount his hard cock and ride him.
As I moved my hand faster, twinges of pain went down my side from the movement. I couldn’t stop. Matty deserved this pleasure. It was the one small thing I could do for him. I ignored the pain.
I moved faster, wanting to bring him to climax.
Those happy grunts got louder. He was beyond caring if anyone heard us. He moved his hips in time with my hand. I knew he was about to blow. I could see it on his face and in the tension of his body.
I stroked him faster, my breathing matching his.
Finally, he gave a loud grunt, then leaned forward to grab some tissues off the table beside me.
Without even doing up his pants, he slumped on the pillow beside me.
“My God, Fi. I was not expecting that.”
I grinned. For a moment there, things had been normal between us. I’d been more than just some freak with scars all over my face. I wanted to hold on to that feeling forever.
Then I hugged my belly, rubbing my side a little. The pain continued even now I rested.
Matty did up his pants and then rang the buzzer for the nurse.
Any feeling of normality completely disappeared.
I HAD BREAKFAST WITH Mom and Dad before leaving for the hospital.
“How was Fiona last night?” Mom asked.
“Good,” I said but ducked my head, hoping she wouldn’t read the expression on my face.
I could hardly tell my mother that Fiona had given me a hand job in her hospital bed. The illicitness of that had made it all the hotter. Even thinking about it now made my cock twitch. I’d have been happy to hold off on any of the sex stuff until Fiona recovered, but if she wanted to fool around, that was totally fine with me. I’d follow her lead and hope she didn’t try to do more than she should.
“I’ve made you some lunch to take to the hospital,” Mom said.
I looked at the containers she had. A packed lunch? I didn’t need her to do that for me, but I was sure it would be a heap better than anything I could buy at the hospital.
I was already running late to see Fiona when I got a call from Ash. He probably wanted an update.
“Matt, do you have a minute?” he asked. “We need to talk.”
This sounded serious. I told him to hold off for a moment and went back to my own room.
“I know this is the worst possible timing for you,” he said.
I really didn’t like the sound of that, and I knew Ash wouldn’t call right now unless it was something big.
“We’ve got a problem,” he said. “Remember that song we ‘wrote’? That stupid ‘Candy-Colored Kitten’ song?”
Sure, I remembered it. Our management had wanted Ash and me to write a song for our boy band, StarX, but the two of us had no experience with songwriting. We were about sixteen years old and didn’t have even the slightest idea where to start. After about a thousand attempts, they’d given up on us. Instead of actually teaching us what to do, they brought in a professional songwriter to write it, then slapped our names on it.
Even though I’d tried to forget it, I’d be in a cab or a shop somewhere, and that song would hit me like a slap in the face.
“Yep,” I responded, wondering what the hell would be so serious about “Candy-Colored Kitten”.
“The guy who wrote it is suing us.”
My stomach dropped. I still didn’t quite get what the issue was, but this didn’t sound good.
“Huh? But that was years ago. And didn’t our management take care of all that?”
“I have no idea, mate. They said they did, but they could’ve told us anything back then. We were stupid kids. This joker says he’s going public. I reckon he’s just been biding his time. Exposing something like that when we were washed-up ex-boy band has-beens would’ve done nothing, but now the pair of us have legit rock careers, and this will do a shit-ton of damage.”
Ash sighed. It’d do more damage to him than to me, since he was the one in the limelight. I just played guitar.
I paced around the room. This was a problem I wanted to disappear, and it was a problem our ex-management should be dealing with, but if they’d screwed up in the first place, Ash and I would be better off handling it ourselves.
“Pay him off,” I said. “Whatever he wants, give it to him. Neither of us has time to piss around with something like this.”
“That’s what I’m thinking. Because, Matty, there’s a lot more at stake here than just our reputations, don’t you see?”
“Huh?”
I didn’t understand what Ash hinted at.
“You can’t be in the media spotlight right now. Not with Fi in hospital. You’ll have reporters on your ass day and night, and once those reporters know you’re going to the hospital, they’ll be snooping around to find out why.”
“Oh, fuck.” The realization hit me like a punch in the gut.
If pictures of Fiona got out right now, it’d destroy her. And you could bet your life that if the press found out about the accident, there’d be pictures. I’d been way too lax, walking around the hospital, chatting with fans in the cafe. At the very least, I could put on a baseball cap and some sunglasses so I wouldn’t stand out so much.
I balanced the phone on my shoulder while I rummaged through my bags looking for a cap.
“I’m getting my lawyer to talk to this guy. Hopefully, he just wants a bundle of cash, but I thought I should let you know in case things don’t go to plan. It’s shitty. It’s really shitty. Right now, you should be focused on Fiona and nothing else.”
When I got off the phone, I spent a lot of time pacing the room.
Like Ash said, the guy probably just wanted cash. Most people doing shit like that had their hands out, but some people could be vindictive. They didn’t care about the money; they wanted to tear you down.
Ash had been going from strength to strength as a rocker, and some people hated him for that. They wanted to keep him in his pop singer box. I didn’t get the same kind of pushback because I wasn’t a front man. Occasionally, people would ask me if I was the guy from the boy band, but then they’d get over it. Even if I was in one of the most successful bands in the world, I was just the guitarist. Damo was the real star. But even that got me some shit.
When you have the “ex-boy band member” label on you, you’re meant to spend your days sitting around mourning your lost youth. People don’t just passively hate; they actively seek out ways to make you suffer, especially if you don’t crash and burn.
I thought about calling Damo and letting him know about this. After all, if this all came out, it’d affect the Freaks too.
Damn it. “Candy-Colored Kitten”. What a shit song. If it weren’t for all the other issues, I’d be happy for the world to know I’d had nothing to do with writing it. This guy had to have no shame if he wanted that exposed to the world. Sure, it’d been a number one hit, but it was possibly the most cringeworthy song ever written. Jesus, they’d made us wear kitten ears for the video clip, and I could still remember the stupid dance with cat hands.
Who’d have thought that would come back to bite us in the ass like this?
I had to shake those thoughts out of my head, though, and put on a smile. I didn’t want Fiona getting the slightest hint that something was wrong. It’d probably blow over, anyway.
I kept pacing the room. Until I could face her with a smile, it was better to stay away.
WHEN DR. ROCHE CAME to change the dressings on my face, he decided some of the bandages could be removed. I wasn’t sure how I felt about that. The bandages might be ugly and uncomfortable, but who knew what was going on underneath them.
“Do I want to see?” I asked after he’d removed them.
“It’s not so bad. A bit of scar tissue, but you’re healing nicely. The swelling’s gone down quite a bit.”
I hadn’t looked in a mirror since that first time seeing myself. The sight of my face had freaked me out so much that I’d even covered the mirror in my bathroom so I couldn’t see myself when I brushed my teeth.
The doctor got me a hand mirror. I hesitated before looking at myself.
“Remember, a lot of the scarring will fade over time. And once you’re back to full health, we can discuss options for minimizing that. Don’t think of anything you see now as being the way your face will look forever.”
His words didn’t reassure me. Even if I’d look better in the future, I didn’t want to look horrible now.
I slowly raised the mirror, then set it back down without looking.
“You don’t have to look if you don’t want to,” the doctor said. “I’ll take the mirror away.”
He tried to take it from me, but I snatched it away. I needed to see what I looked like before I could face anyone else. I just needed some time.
I took a deep breath, then raised the mirror to look at myself. Red, angry marks crossed my cheek. He’d uncovered the left side, which made me think the right side was even more damaged.
“Can I put on makeup?” I asked.
He shook his head. “Not yet. The pigment can make the scarring look worse. Maybe in a week or so, but you might need a silicon primer to help with healing beneath the makeup.”
I nodded. I definitely didn’t want to make things worse.
“So, about the sex?” I asked him.
“Ah. I was going to send someone to talk to you about that. At the moment, you shouldn’t move too much, or it can undo the healing. But maybe there are ways... They’ll discuss that with you. I’ve got to get going. Other patients to see.”
I chucked as he left. That guy was so uncomfortable about sex.
After I had my breakfast, I waited for Matty. He was late. Maybe he needed to do stuff with his parents, but I’d come to rely on his visits.
While I waited, a woman came in to see me.
“I’m Stacy,” she said. “Officially, I’m Dr. Marengo, but Stacy is much better. I’ve come to talk to you about your vagina.”
I stifled a laugh. Already, I liked Stacy.
“I keep asking how long until I can have sex, and no one will give me an answer.”
Stacy sat down on the chair beside me. “It’s hard to know in these cases. We don’t want to give you a fixed time frame, because the body heals at different rates. You have a lot of healing to do. But on the bright side, the fact that you’re asking is good. It means you’re not dead yet.”
She laughed until I had to laugh too.
“Seriously, when someone’s in a lot of pain, the last thing they feel like doing is shagging,” she said. “So, you must be starting to feel better.”
I wondered if shagging was an official medical term.
Stacy smiled. “Anything not too energetic is okay. The trouble is, once you get aroused, it’s hard to be... well, not energetic. That rush of lust can overrule any signs of pain in your body, and the next thing you know, you’re thrusting and humping to the point of setting the healing process back.”
“So, tell me what I can do.”
She sucked on her bottom lip and looked up at the ceiling. “Oral should be okay so long as you’re in a comfortable position for it. It’s not the act itself, but the way you hold your body. Like, this is no good.” She made a gesture like hunching over to suck cock. “Because you’d be putting pressure on the damaged areas. And you can’t lie on your stomach. Maybe if you’re sitting and he’s standing, that would work. But you need to stop if anything twinges or hurts.”
She twisted her hands into various shapes as though they were in sex positions, then shook her head.
“It’s tough,” she said. “When you get near orgasm, that’s the danger zone. Maybe I should talk to your partner about ways to handle that, because you obviously want to get shagging, and you’ll turn into a ball of sexual tension if you don’t do something about it. Exploding because you can’t come isn’t exactly good for your recovery, either.”
I laughed, totally understanding what she meant.
“Don’t laugh too hard,” she said. “That’ll wreck your insides too.”
“So, blow jobs and hand jobs are okay,” I said. “But no penetration and no orgasms for me?”
“That’s pretty much it for now. Sorry.”
She gave me her number and told me to get Matt to call her when he came in. Where the hell was he?
Before he arrived, Nurse Lucy came in. “Tonight’s the night,” she said. “Makeover night.”
I’d completely forgotten about that, but it wasn’t like I had a lot else going on.
“What time does your shift finish?” I asked her.
“Six,” she said.
We got that organized, and still no Matty. My phone had been wrecked in the crash, and I’d meant to ask Matty to get me a replacement, but that hadn’t been a big deal when I was in ICU. Now that I had my own room, though, I missed having a phone.
Maybe he’d gone out sightseeing with his parents. That would be good for him, and he needed to spend time with them. I knew that, but deep down, I resented him for going out and having fun while I was stuck here with nothing to do.
It wasn’t like I could go off having fun adventures. I tried to be reasonable, but he hadn’t even said anything about being late today.
What if he didn’t visit at all? It must get incredibly boring for him, hanging out here with me, holding hands even if there was the occasional hand job thrown in. Even if he said he didn’t feel any differently about me, I wondered. There would never be a time when I wasn’t insecure about how I looked, and even if it was damned unreasonable, I wanted Matty here to reassure me.
I FINALLY MADE IT TO the hospital. “Sorry I’m late,” I said.
“That’s okay. I’m sure you had things to do,” Fiona said. “I can’t hog all your time.”
I wanted to tell her it wasn’t like that, but without going into details, I couldn’t really reassure her.
“You’ve had your bandages removed,” I said, wanting to change the subject. “Wow, that must feel more comfortable.”
She nodded but turned her face away from me. “It looks vile,” she said.
“It’s a scar. It’s not anything to be ashamed of, Fi.” I moved to her and took her hand. “If you don’t want me to look, I won’t, but a scar on your face isn’t going to change my feelings for you. If I let something like that influence my feelings, I would’ve been wrong to say ‘I love you’ in the first place, because that wouldn’t be anything like love.”
She smiled. With those bandages removed, I could see the corner of her mouth curl. It became a real smile and not something hinted at by the movement of her face and the light in her eyes.
“You have a way with words, Matty. That’s why you write the love songs.”
It was my turn to look away. Why did she have to say that? I’d been trying not to think about that stupid mess.
“What’s wrong?” she asked.
Damn. I’d hoped she wouldn’t pick up on that. “Nothing. Nothing at all.”
I sat by her bed and reached for her hand. She pulled it away from me.
“It’s kind of awkward when that’s my only good hand,” she said. “I can’t do anything if you’re holding it.”
I nodded. Maybe I should’ve thought of that before. Of course she wouldn’t want me holding her hand all the time.
“Mom keeps asking if she can come in to see you,” I said. “It’s up to you. I don’t want you to force yourself if you’re not comfortable.”
“Why wouldn’t I be comfortable?” she snapped. “I want to see your mom.”
She hadn’t said that the last time I’d asked. She’d said she wanted a day or two, but I didn’t press it. She was still taking medication, so it might’ve slipped her mind, and being in hospital this long would make anyone a bit cranky.
“I’ll tell her. Is tomorrow okay?”
Fiona nodded.
We sat in silence for a while, but the silence wasn’t as comfortable as it had been. It was a silence of unspoken words and jumbled intentions.
“Do you want me to brush your hair?” I asked.
“Not now.”
I went back to the silence. Sometimes, when Fiona got into one of these moods, I wasn’t sure if it was better to leave her alone or to stay with her. I felt like she wanted to test me, to see if she could push me away.
“Oh,” she said. “I just remembered. There’s this doctor, Stacy. She wanted you to call her so you can discuss sex things with her.”
I arched a brow. “Sex things?” I assumed that Fiona didn’t mean this doctor wanted to talk dirty to me.
“Sex things like what we can and can’t do. You should do that today, because it might be awkward to explain rushing off to discuss our sex life when your mother is here.”
“True.”
“Also, I need a phone. I don’t have one.”
I nodded. I should’ve thought of that earlier. “I’ll call Dad and see if he can get one for you while they’re sightseeing. You do have the land line.”
“Huh?” Fiona looked around. “Where?”
I pointed to the phone behind the vase of flowers on the table beside her.
She rolled her eyes. “How was I supposed to see that there? It’s not like I can get up and walk around. Really, Matty, you should think of these things.”
I stood up. “I’ll go call the doctor,” I said.
I got outside the room and leaned against the wall, taking a deep breath. Fiona was right. I should’ve thought of that, but sometimes her moods could be hard to take. I’d make this call and then get some fresh air. I didn’t want to return her snappiness with my own irritation, so it was better to walk it off.
When I called Stacy, she said to come straight up and see her, so that worked out well. It’d give me a break. I popped my head back in Fiona’s room and let her know.
When I got to Dr. Stacy’s office, she called me in.
“Take a seat. This is a special day for me,” she said. “It’s not often I get to discuss the sex life of my teenage crush. I was such a huge StarX fan.”
I groaned. That didn’t make me more comfortable. I took a seat and looked around. Some bobblehead figures from popular TV shows sat amongst the medical books on the shelves, making the room seem more personal. On the desk, she had those models of body parts that doctors always have, but when I looked closer, I saw that she’d put them in some strange positions.
I glanced up at her. “You look like you’d be more into Savage,” I said.
“Nah, he’s a total meathead. Oh, shit, sorry. I forgot you know him in real life and not just as a star. Of course, he might be totally different from his image. I’m just projecting.”
“That’s okay,” I told her. “Meathead sounds about right.”
I chuckled, and she grinned back. Then we got down to the nitty-gritty.
“Fiona thinks she’s all ready to go, but I’m afraid the reality might not meet up to her expectations.”
I leaned back in my seat. “Huh? What are you saying about my performance?” I asked her with a grin.
She laughed. “Fiona doesn’t have a lot to occupy her at the moment, so everything becomes exaggerated in her mind. At the moment, she’s fixated on her sex life, which isn’t a bad thing, but that could be mixed up with all kinds of feelings about her self-worth and attractiveness.”
“So, basically, you’re saying I’m walking through a minefield.”
“You could put it like that. On the one hand, you don’t want her to feel rejected, and on the other, you’re going to have to be careful not to hurt her.”
She went on to explain various techniques I could use to ensure we did things without exacerbating Fiona’s injuries.
I interrupted her explanation. “Seriously, if we get to that point and I stop, she’ll kill me.”
Stacey laughed. “Yep, that’s entirely possible, but the main thing is to keep her satisfied without letting her lose too much control. You get the idea.”
I nodded.
By the time I left Stacy’s office, I felt way more confident. Not that I’d needed the sex education in general, just information on what I could do with Fiona right now. Being told to take care or to be gentle was way too vague, and Stacy certainly didn’t do vague.
I just hoped that by the time I got back to her room, Fiona’s bad mood would have passed.
WHEN I CHECKED MY MESSAGES, I discovered that Dad had contacted me to say he’d gotten a phone for Fiona. That would make her happier. There was no message from Ash, so I took that as a good sign. No news was good news, I hoped.
Fiona was asleep when I reached her room, so I waited for her to wake up. While I waited, I moved the phone so it wasn’t behind the flowers and was within her reach. At least she’d have that until Dad came in tomorrow. Then I tidied up around the room. Some of the flowers had dropped petals around the place, and I changed the water. There wasn’t much else for me to do, so I got out my phone and started watching a movie.
When Fiona woke up, she smiled at me. I took my earphones out.
“Watching anything interesting?” she asked.
“Not really.” I told her that she’d have a phone tomorrow.
“Great. Thank your dad for me.”
“I think Mom has some things for you, too. If there’s anything else you need, make a list. I’ll make sure someone gets it for you. Magazines, food, whatever.”
“There’s only one thing I want,” she said.
She had that look again. It was the middle of the day. Anyone could walk into her room. This place was crazy, with staff running around.
“Can we lock the door?” I asked. Then I got up and checked. No lock. Just the curtain around her bed.
“People can respect my privacy,” she said. “Just because I’m a patient doesn’t mean I have fewer rights than other people. It’s rude how they barge into my room without even knocking.”
When she put it like that, it did seem strange.
“So, show me what Stacy taught you,” she said.
I remembered what Stacy had said about this being a minefield, and with Fiona being particularly sensitive after having had her bandages removed today, I had no choice. Okay, maybe there was a big part of me that wanted this too. I was no saint. I just didn’t want anyone walking in on us.
“We need a ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign for that door,” I said. “Remind me to get one from the hotel.”
Fiona laughed. I sat on the bed beside her. It was one thing to talk about this, but the logistics were a whole other thing. I started by stroking her face.
“Does it feel horrible?” she asked.
“It feels different. Not horrible.”
Then I kissed her. She strained toward me, but I put my hands on her shoulders, holding her back.
“Just relax. You can’t move much.”
“Maybe you need to tie me up,” she said.
I looked at her left arm. “I’m not sure that’s a good idea at the moment. But maybe when your arm’s better.”
“I’ll hold you to that.”
I kissed her again, trying to control myself as much as her. This would be a test for me, that was for sure. I took my lips from hers and traced along the line of her scar with my lips. She flinched, but that didn’t stop me. Then I made my way to her earlobes, then down her neck.
“You’re teasing today,” she whispered.
“Oh, and I’m going to tease you more.”
“It’s not nice to tease an invalid,” she said.
“I think you’ll like this kind of teasing.” I ran my finger along the line of her collarbone. “This is the definitely the fun type.”
She moaned as my finger moved lower. When her back arched, I held her firm.
“Relax,” I told her again.
“That’s easy for you to say.”
“It’s not that easy, actually. It’s totally not easy.”
I flipped down the strap on her camisole and kissed her shoulder. Already, her nipples hardened. That slinky fabric hid nothing. Maybe I should see about getting her some more frumpy sleepwear when she could leave her room. I wasn’t sure the rest of the patients should see her like this.
“You’re amazingly tempting,” I told her.
“Don’t hold back.”
“Oh, I’m going to hold back. Sorry, but that’s the way it has to be.”
She moaned as my mouth moved to her breast. I kissed her lightly, but even those light kisses had her squirming, so I had to stop and pull myself away.
“This will take forever if you keep doing that,” she said.
“Did you have any other plans for the day?” I asked.
She giggled.
“No squirming,” I said. “No arching your back, no moving that arm. Except moving it so I can take this camisole off you.”
“I can do that,” she said.
“Good, because otherwise I’d have to rip it off.”
She lifted her arms over her head.
“Does it hurt?”
“No.”
I took hold of the delicate fabric and removed it. For a moment, I just looked at her, reveling in her amazingness.
“Don’t just look,” she said.
I put my lips to her nipple and sucked gently. I pressed myself closer to her, wanting to feel her skin against mine.
She started to squirm, then stopped herself before I could pull away. Her breath caught, as I took her entire nipple into my mouth, and her fingers raked through my hair. Controlling myself became harder and harder, but I had to put my own urges on hold. If I couldn’t do that, it’d be better to walk away entirely.
She tugged harder on my hair.
The taste of her had changed, maybe because she wasn’t using the expensive toiletries she normally used. The smell of her had changed as well. I wanted to explore those changes.
I ran my tongue down her belly. She jolted and tried to move away, but she tightened her hold on my head. I could smell her arousal. I wanted to touch her, but I kept up the slow pace. I couldn’t ruin things now.
Still, I put my hand under the blanket and ran it along her thigh. I wanted to ask her if anything hurt, but I didn’t want to kill the mood.
She wiggled down on the bed, and I took the blanket off her completely. She only had those skimpy little shorts on, and those shorts were soaking wet.
Fiona’s breathing became more labored. She wanted this so much. I knew that. I wanted it too. I wanted to make her forget everything but the pleasure of this moment, but I had to do that without letting her go too far.
I moved my lips lower and lower, brushing them over the thin fabric. She gasped, and I pulled away.
“No,” she said.
I’d moved to the danger zone now, in more ways than one. This was the point where I had to be fully aware of how she reacted.
She raised her hips so I could take off the shorts. As I slipped them down over her thighs, I watched her face for any sign of pain. All I saw there was pleasure.
MATTY INFURIATED ME. Teasing, taunting and infuriating. The way he kept pulling away from me when I wanted more, so much more, his mouth so close that his breath tickled my skin.
I balled the bed sheets in my hands, knowing any movement from me would stop him. My body tensed, but I was in no pain except for the pain of unfulfilled lust.
“Don’t stop now,” I whispered, my voice full of need.
Matty smiled up at me from between my legs. His eyes shone with lust. He still desired me, and knowing that meant more than any physical sensation he aroused in me. I went all woozy and weak. As much as I loved having him between my legs, I also wanted him in my arms with his body close to mine.
Then his tongue made contact, and all other thoughts flew from my head. Oh, God, that man really knew what he was doing.
Every time I moved, he pulled his head away.
Was that supposed to help? The need to come built up inside me like a damn tidal wave. Every cell in my body strained for relief. I shut my eyes and tried to control my breathing. I wouldn’t react. I wouldn’t give him a reason to stop. But, damn it, I needed this so much. Staying still proved almost impossible.
As his tongue probed deeper, I cried out. I wanted to explain that he hadn’t hurt me, but the words wouldn’t form. They came out as groans.
Luckily, he didn’t stop. He teased his way up and down my slit, working magic with his tongue. I didn’t need teasing, I needed release.
When his tongue lapped at my clit, I almost jolted. My hands gripped the bed’s edges, white-knuckled with tension.
The pressure increased, still not enough to push me over the edge, but damn, it felt good. I became buoyant and alive. Floating on the pleasure, my breath ragged with sharp, sudden gasps.
I wanted to reach for him, to thread my fingers through his hair just to touch him, but I couldn’t let go. I’d fall without that solid contact.
Then, suddenly, the wave crashed. I grasped the bed edge tighter and smothered my screams in the pillow. Tears flowed down my face, and their salty wetness stained my lips.
I might not be much of a woman anymore, but I could still feel. I still had a man who desired me and wanted to give me pleasure. My body quivered with aftershocks.
Matty moved to lie beside me and caressed me until I almost purred. “Was that okay?” he asked. “I mean, you didn’t feel any pain anywhere?”
I shook my head. I felt no pain. I felt nothing but a relaxed calmness.
We lay on the bed together for a long time. I wasn’t sure if it was comfortable for Matty, but I didn’t want to say anything to make him move away. My tears kept falling, and Matty wiped them away. He didn’t ask me why I cried which was good, because I wasn’t sure myself. They weren’t tears of sadness, and they weren’t tears of joy.
I decided they were tears of saying goodbye to the old Fiona, because I had to accept that. No matter what the future held, I’d have to face it as a different person. I could no longer rely on the things I’d taken for granted, and every day would be a struggle, but so long as I had Matty, I’d be fine.
While we lay together, everything seemed right for the first time since the accident.
“It must be dinnertime soon,” Matty said, sitting up.
“Shit. Nurse Lucy is coming in for a makeover. Put my clothes back on me!” I laughed at the ridiculousness of the situation.
He got fresh pajamas out of the closet and helped me dress. Then he checked his phone and blanched. “I’ve got to go,” he said.
Huh? That was sudden.
“What’s wrong?” I asked him.
“Nothing.” He smiled, but that smile didn’t seem one bit sincere. “You might not want me in the way for your makeover session, is all.”
Matty never lied to me, but at that moment, I knew he was full of it. It wasn’t the makeover session, but something he’d read on his phone. Something he wanted to keep from me. The closeness between us had been like a security blanket, keeping me safe from the world. But in an instant, that blanket fell away and left me with nothing.
“Fine. Leave, if that’s what you want.”
“I’ll be back in an hour or so. I want to see the results of your work.”
Even though he said that, his gaze kept flicking back to the phone screen. If he wanted to leave, I wouldn’t stop him.
“Don’t bother. I’ll want to rest after that.” I folded my arms and turned away, not watching him leave the room even though I wanted to scream for him to stay.
AS SOON AS I GOT BACK to my hotel room, I called Ash.
“The guy’s a nut, Matty,” he said when he answered. “A total freak show. He doesn’t want money, he wants the fame. The fame! Can you believe that? It’s not like he wrote a rock classic. JFC! ‘Candy-Colored Kitten’. We released some shitty songs, but that one was by far the shittiest.”
I paced. This wasn’t the news I’d wanted. “What did he say?”
“He wants his name known as the songwriter. He won’t even talk money.”
I walked to the window and looked out. Nothing to see but the hospital. From here, I could see Fiona’s room. I knew exactly which one it was. She’d be in the middle of her makeover by now. Even though she was angry when I left, I couldn’t discuss this around her.
“Surely, we can pay him off. Everyone has their price.”
I hated being the kind of person who’d say that, but I’d seen enough of life to know that most people would do anything if you paid them off. This wasn’t the first time someone had thought they could come after us. An out-of-court settlement usually fixed things. Their sole motivation was cash, no matter what they said.
“Not Nutty McNutjob. Trust me, I offered him enough money for him to live in pig heaven for the rest of his life. He’d want for nothing. But the guy knocked it back.”
I groaned. I didn’t need this. I really didn’t need it.
“Surely, we have some grounds. He would’ve signed a release at the time.”
“Yep. The lawyers have all that, but without a settlement, it’s going to be one hell of a court case, and we do not want to go to court. We can give him the rights and hope that slips by without notice. The court thing will not be quiet, no matter what. He wants the whole media circus. He wants his face on TV and his name known. Any other time, I’d say he could go for it. He has no idea what he’s in for, and the media aren’t going to treat him well. But Fiona—”
Fiona.
I had no idea what to do.
“Can we make him sign a non-disclosure along with the rights?”
Ash took in a deep breath. “We can, but we have no guarantee he’ll stick by it. I asked the lawyer about having the guy committed. That seemed like a reasonable solution to me, but the lawyers say it won’t work. No idea why. Wanting credit for ‘Candy-Colored Kitten’ is definitely not a sign of a healthy mind.”
“The main question is, what do we do about Fiona.”
I kept pacing. I couldn’t sit still and discuss this.
“I hate to say it, mate, but if things get heated, you’re going to have to stay away from her.”
I groaned. “That’ll be hard. She’s not in a good way. Some of the time, she’s fine, but she has her moods.”
Ash laughed. “Well, that’s normal for Fiona. She’ll always have her moods. You’ll have to explain, but hold off on that for a while. The guy might see sense.”
“I’ll talk to the hospital,” I said. “Surely, they must have security arrangements in place so the media can’t just slip into someone’s room.”
Ash laughed. “That’s naive, don’t you think? You know those guys. They’ll do anything to get the photos they want. If they have to dress as hospital staff, they’ll do that. Or they’ll bribe one of the real staff to get the shot for them. Shit, this is a mess.”
He wasn’t wrong. But some security was better than nothing at all.
“She told me not to go in to see her tonight, but I guess I should. You know what she’s like.”
“Yeah, I know what she’s like, and I know what you’re like. She’s testing you, and you know what? You should take her at her word. She’s recovering, I get that, and probably in more pain than she’ll ever let on, but sometimes you have to say ‘screw you’ to her games. You can’t spend your entire live guessing what she wants. Spend some time with your parents, and then tomorrow, she’ll be doubly pleased to see you.”
Ash’s words made sense, but I hated leaving her alone. I wasn’t sure about anything. I knew what her moods were like, and I knew that sometimes I had to walk away, but that didn’t make it any easier.
After I’d finished talking to Ash, I met up with my parents. We went to dinner, but I wasn’t good company.
“You have to look after yourself, too, Matty,” Mom said. “You’re recuperating too. If you run yourself ragged looking after Fiona, you’ll have nothing left to give.”
I nodded. I’d been told that so many times, but looking after myself wasn’t something I cared that much about. It seemed to me that the best thing I could do to look after myself was to be with Fiona. It was only then that I could relax.
I hadn’t told Mom and Dad about the crazy songwriter. I didn’t want to tell anyone until I had to.
I picked at my food. Even though it was delicious, I had no appetite. When Mom and Dad wanted to go for drinks afterward, I told them to go ahead. I’d return to the hotel. They both argued. My brooding silence probably made them both uncomfortable.
I got to my room, determined not to give in and visit Fiona. I sat watching the light in her window. As much as I wanted to return to the hospital, Ash had been right. I should stay away. I had too much on my mind. Maybe tomorrow, this whole mess would blow over.
I kept watch until it was too late to return to her. Visiting hours were long over. Still, I stared at her window, wondering what she was doing.
Finally, her light went out, and I could sleep.
––––––––
NURSE LUCY’S MAKEOVER didn’t quite go to plan. With the use of only one arm, I couldn’t do half the things I wanted to do. Mostly, I instructed her on what to do. I did a few things like her eyeliner myself.
“We’ll have to give the false eyelashes a miss, I think,” I said. “That might be too high-level to do one-handed.”
“Probably a good thing. I’m not a false eyelashes person.”
“Oh, it’d be something natural, not drag queen lashes.”
I glanced at the door. Matty hadn’t come back yet. It’d been over an hour.
After a few finishing touches, Lucy was ready for her date.
“I look so glamorous,” she said. “Not at all like a frumpy nurse.”
I laughed. “I guess winged eyeliner isn’t a priority when you’re working.”
She nodded. “But I should make more effort. A bit of makeup wouldn’t hurt. And now I’m free. A night on the town. Anton will be shocked when he sees me.”
“Have you been dating long?” I asked.
“About six months.”
“Getting into serious territory, then.”
Lucy shrugged. “I hope so. He’s been on the fence, but hopefully tonight he’ll realize what a hot babe I am. Too good to let go.”
I smiled. I hoped so too.
Doing the makeover left me a little depressed. I’d assumed that once I got these bandages off and started to heal, I’d be able to cover the scars a little, but the reality was that, until my arm got back to normal, I didn’t have the skills to do that.
Once Lucy had left, I waited for Matty. Surely, he wouldn’t really take me at my word and stay away. But then, I’d been so grumpy with him. As soon as I’d said those words, I’d regretted them. He’d left, and all I’d wanted to do was call him to come back. Then I remembered he was keeping something from me, and I tried to wipe him from my mind.
A nurse came in with my dinner. I pushed the food around my plate. It wasn’t very appetizing.
By the time it got to about nine o’clock, I gave up hope on Matty. Maybe he wanted to spend the night with his parents. That was understandable. He hadn’t seen them for a long time.
I picked up the phone beside my bed. I’d call him and tell him how miserable I felt.
But then, if he did come in, it’d only be out of pity. I hated people pitying me the most. I put the phone away from me.
I could spend a night alone. I picked up one of the magazines, but fashion magazines were filled with pretty people. Their clear skin taunted me from the pages. I’d taken that for granted once.
I put the magazine back, then turned on the television. The voices annoyed me.
Everything annoyed me.
I tried to work out what had gone wrong with Matty. He’d gotten a message from someone. If it’d been a problem with his parents, he’d have told me. If it’d been something small, he’d have told me. Something had pulled him away from me.
The logical conclusion was an issue with the tour. Maybe Damo. Damo was angry with Matty for missing so many shows. That was the kind of thing Matty would never tell me. I’d told him to rejoin the tour, but he’d said he wanted to be with me. I wanted him with me too, but I didn’t want him ruining his life.
I had to be stronger, push him harder, instead of thinking about myself.
I wouldn’t apologize for my harsh words. I’d be even more moody and horrible until he no longer wanted to be with me.
No. That wouldn’t work.
I had to think of some way to get him back on that tour, though. There was less than two months left, and if Matty didn’t return soon, they’d replace him with another guitarist.
The easiest way to do this would be to get better fast. Or at least convince Matty that I had. I had to do something. No matter what, I had to get Matty back to his regular life.
I’d been way too selfish.
THE NEXT DAY, MATTY came in with his parents. I put on a smile, which wasn’t hard because Matty’s parents were lovely.
“I bought you a rug I crocheted,” his mom said, getting it out of the bag. “I’m not sure if it’s stylish enough for you, though. It’s just a handmade thing.”
I nearly cried when I saw it. The only thing my mother had ever made me was a sandwich. Then she’d yell at me to go outside and eat it because she had “company” coming over. Thinking that someone would spend hours laboring over a project like this choked me up. I wasn’t sure how to thank her.
“It’s amazing,” I said. “The colors are just beautiful, and the work you’ve put into it—thank you so much.”
I spread the blanket over my legs and stoked the soft wool. It made me sad to accept such a gorgeous gift while I’d been planning to push Matty away, but I could hardly refuse it on those grounds.
“It’s nothing much. Not like the expensive designer things you’d have.”
“But designer things I have are just things. I don’t think anyone has ever made me anything like this before. I’ll think of you every time I look at it.”
Matty’s dad got out the phone he’d bought me and set it all up.
While the two of them chatted, Matty hardly got a word in. Then his mom fussed around, tidying things that didn’t even need tidying.
“I’ll buy you some sleepwear tomorrow,” she said. “I’m not sure those skimpy things you have on are best for hospital.”
I looked down at my camisole. “I’m stuck in bed all day, so only the nurses see me. And Matty.”
“Still,” his mom said, “you’ll be out of that bed in no time and zipping around the hospital. You don’t want to give some of the old men around here heart attacks, because if they see you dressed like that, that’s what’ll happen.”
I laughed, but Matty looked strange, as though the idea of me leaving my room worried him.
After a while, Matty excused himself and went out. His mom kept chatting with me, so I couldn’t ask him what was going on. Maybe I wouldn’t need to push him away. Maybe he’d go on his own.
It seemed to be getting more and more that way. He’d lied to me. He’d made excuses to leave me alone.
That feeling of closeness between us yesterday had been a real thing. At least it’d seemed that way to me, but maybe I was just seeing what I wanted to see. Maybe, for Matty, it’d been a pity fuck. Well, a pity fooling around. Who knew? I couldn’t straight up ask him, but I wasn’t an idiot.
The signs all pointed to a guy who was pulling away. And if he pulled, I wouldn’t stop him from going.
When the nurse came in with my lunch, Matty’s mom waved her away. “I’ve made her something,” she said.
The nurse scowled. “We have a special diet designed for our patients.”
But Matty’s mom wouldn’t hear a word of it. She got out the food she’d made, and it was amazing.
“I couldn’t do much,” she said. “I only have a microwave at the hotel. But hospital food can be so bland.”
While I was eating, Matty came back into the room. I raised my eyebrows questioningly, but he just smiled and sat down. He really wasn’t going to talk about this.
Not long after that, the nurse came back to tell them to leave. This time, she wouldn’t take no for an answer.
“You can come back tomorrow,” she told them. “Fiona’s not used to so many visitors.”
“I’ll stay,” said Matty.
The nurse shook her head. “Give your girlfriend some private time. It’s been a big morning for her.”
I wanted to argue, but I wanted to sleep as well. All this had tired me out.
“I’ll be back after lunch,” Matty said.
After they’d left, I kept stroking the blanket his mother had given me. With Matty, I wasn’t just getting a fantastic man, I was getting everything I’d ever craved: a loving family. His parents had never once acted like they pitied me. But maybe, if I kept holding Matty back, that would change in time too.
ASH CALLED ME THAT night. The worst had happened.
“Before we could talk him out of it, he went to the papers. The damn fool. At least we got a bit of warning, but by tomorrow, this whole sorry story is going to be everywhere.”
My stomach sank. It did more than sink. It plopped like a lead weight. I’d have to talk to Fiona. The situation had reached the point where she had to know about it.
I’d spoken to the doctor and then to one of the hospital administrators. They’d said they’d do as much as they could when it came to security, but they couldn’t guarantee anything. I’d thought as much. They advised me to hire my own guards for her. Even that wouldn’t stop a determined paparazzo, but I contacted a few security companies. It wouldn’t be cheap, but there was no way I’d leave her without some kind of security.
I needed to talk to her now. Tonight. I wanted to be able to explain face-to-face. The story hadn’t broken yet, but as soon as even a whisper of that scandal got out, I’d have to stay away from her.
I pulled on my jacket and rushed to the hospital.
When I got to her floor, the nurse tried to stop me from going into her room.
“Sorry, this is important,” I said, brushing past her.
“Visiting hours ended twenty minutes ago. It doesn’t matter who you are. Rules are rules.”
“I said, this is important,” I snapped.
I hated talking to her like that, but I couldn’t let her delay me. I walked into Fiona’s room, daring the nurse to stop me.
Fiona was still awake. “Matty? What’s up?” she said when she saw me.
“We need to talk,” I said.
“Oh.” Fiona’s voice was quiet.
“I won’t be able to see you for a while,” I said.
She didn’t look at me. Instead, she gazed at her hands, folded in her lap. “I understand. That’s fine.”
“I don’t think you do understand,” I told her. “There’s been a huge fuck-up.”
I explained the situation to her, the whole “Candy-Colored Kitten” disaster.
“Ash says the guy’s crazy. He just wants to make a news splash for the sake of it, but it means I’ll be under scrutiny for a few weeks. I’ll have reporters watching me, following me around. The whole paparazzi shit.”
Fiona nodded but didn’t say anything.
“I don’t want to expose you to that,” I said. “As soon as anyone sees me coming to the hospital, the reporters will be on it like rabid dogs. And that’ll lead them to you.”
She finally looked up at me. “I’ve said all along, you should go back to the tour. I’m dragging you down.”
I reached for her hand, but she pulled it away from me. It felt like she’d built a solid wall around herself, keeping me on the other side. I wanted to break down that wall, but I couldn’t. Not right now.
“I think in this case, I’m the one dragging you down,” I told her. “You don’t need this right now, and the only solution I can think of is for me to stay away. We can still phone and talk. It’s not like it’ll be forever. In a week or so, they’ll be distracted by other things.” I raked my fingers through my hair. “God, Fi, this is the absolute last thing I wanted.”
“Don’t fret, Matty. I’ll be fine.”
“I’ll get a guard organized so no one can get into your room.”
“Go back on the tour and don’t worry about me.”
She kept saying that, but going back to the tour wouldn’t help. “I don’t want to go back on the tour,” I said. “You know I want to stay here and look after you.”
She turned to me then, her eyes blazing. “I don’t want you to look after me. I want to be left alone. Don’t you get it? You’re just going to cause me problems, and it’s not fair on me. I have enough to worry about now without the risk of them plastering photos of my ugly face all over the papers. I want my privacy and I want my space, so you should just run along. You’re too famous now. You’ll always be a problem for me.”
I wanted to argue with her, but what could I say? She wasn’t wrong.
“I’ll call you in a few days, after this all dies down.”
“Don’t bother. Maybe it’s better to make a clean break. Think of the future. If I’m with you, I’ll always have media attention, and that’s exactly what I don’t want. This thing will blow over in a few weeks, sure. But you’ll still be famous. I was a model, a face on a billboard. People forget that easily, and anyway, no one is going to look at this face and connect it to the person I was. It’s not even about the media attention, but some kid snapping a pic on their phone if we go somewhere to eat or a fan posting to the internet. No matter what, I can’t stay private if I’m with you. You think I need you, but really, you’re just being selfish wanting to stay with me. You’re not thinking about the most important thing, which is my privacy.”
She didn’t look up at me. She didn’t even get angry.
“We can’t just be over,” I said.
“Actually, yes, we can. It’s not a big deal. We had fun, but we don’t belong together.”
I lingered for a while, wanting to talk about this, but Fiona didn’t want to talk.
“I need to sleep,” she said. “Leave now.”
I walked back to the hotel, not quite sure what the hell had gone on there. It was another one of her moods. It had to be. She needed time to think this over. But it was most definitely not the end.
––––––––
I GOT STRAIGHT ON MY phone the next morning, expecting to be the trending story. After checking a few sites, I took a deep breath. The story hadn’t broken. Yet. It was just a matter of time, but time was exactly what I needed. It meant I could go back to the hospital and talk things over with Fiona.
After a night’s sleep, I was sure she’d see things differently. It’d only be a week or so, and the whole scandal would blow over. No one had that long an attention span nowadays.
All night, I’d considered what she’d said. The stupid thing was that I’d be happy to quit the tour, get totally out of the spotlight and settle down somewhere with her. Neither of us needed to work, and I sure as hell didn’t need fame. We could buy a place in the country and get a dozen dogs, maybe rescue dogs that no one would adopt. Or we could live in the city. A tropical island, even. I’d be happy to do whatever Fiona wanted.
Once I quit, we could get totally out of the public eye.
It was way too early yet for her think about what she wanted, but we had options. We had options that most people in the world only dreamed about. That was the most important thing, and I needed her to see that. In her mind, there were only two possibilities: that I kept on with the tour and had career success, or I stayed with her and made some huge sacrifice, but to me, there were no sacrifices.
Being with Fiona wasn’t an obligation, and it wasn’t a burden. It was my heart’s desire. If only I could get that through to her.
I put on a hat and glasses to go to the hospital. Things might be fine now, but by the time I wanted to leave, who knew? It didn’t take long for a story to hit these days.
When I got in the elevator, Nurse Mary got in as well. “You’re looking fine,” she said. “Mighty fine.”
I nodded to her. “Feeling fine, too.”
But that was a lie. I felt like a ball of nerves, like a schoolboy on his first date. I had so much to say, and I had to get this right. I didn’t have much small talk in me, and it didn’t take long to get to Fiona’s floor. I went straight to her room.
Her empty room.
Her empty bed.
I looked around. Every trace of Fiona had disappeared. No flowers, no clothes. Nothing at all. One rose petal remained on the floor near the bed, darkened and dried up.
I rushed to the nurses’ station. What the hell had happened?
The doctor had mentioned the risks, but Fiona’s recovery had been going so well. Was she back in ICU? Why hadn’t they called me?
My heart pounded as a covered the small distance.
The nurse at the station didn’t look up.
“Excuse me,” I said.
“Just a moment.”
I took off my glasses and cap. “I don’t have a moment. My girlfriend’s gone. What’s happened to her?” I pointed to Fiona’s room while looking wildly around. I didn’t know what I expected. That Fiona would appear out of thin air, laughing about my stupid panic?
The nurse kept up with her paperwork, and I wanted to shake her. Couldn’t she see that this took priority over everything else? I wanted to snatch that paperwork away from her.
“The doctor will be here shortly,” she said.
The doctor? Damn it. That didn’t sound good.
“Please take a seat,” the nurse said.
Because, yeah, I’d sit down calmly and wait in a situation like this. Fiona had seemed fine last night. A little down, but still fine. I shouldn’t have left her. I should’ve sat by her bedside all night. I walked down the hallway a little, trying not to get too upset.
“Matthew?” Dr. Roche said.
I steeled myself for the worst. “Where’s Fiona?”
“We’re moved her.”
“ICU? God, what happened?”
He put his hand on my arm. “Nothing like that. She requested the change.”
I nodded. “Where is she? Tell me so I can go to her.”
His mouth drew into a thin line. “That’s the thing. She’s asked that we tell no one where she is.”
“Except me, right?”
He shook his head slowly. “No. Especially you. She was emphatic about that. She said being separated from you would help her recovery, and while I don’t agree with that, we take patient confidentiality very seriously here. She’s removed your name as next of kin from all her records. This is as much as I can tell you, I’m afraid.”
I collapsed onto one of the seats lining the hallway and buried my head in my hands. “What can I do?”
“There’s nothing you can do, not at the moment. If she reconsiders, she’ll contact you. Recovery from something like this isn’t a straightforward process, and the mental aspect is as important as the physical one. I’ve seen the way you look after her, and I don’t agree with her decision, but my hands are tied.”
For a moment, I considered rushing through the hospital, checking every single room until I found her. She had to be in this building somewhere.
“Don’t look for her,” the doctor said.
Were my thoughts that transparent? “I can’t just let go.”
“You have to, I’m afraid. You really have no other choice.”
I had to have choices. This couldn’t be the only option, that Fiona disappeared and I accepted it. I’d said I’d do anything for her, but breaking up with her wasn’t a thing I could do.
Deep down, I wondered if she did blame me for that accident. Despite her words, she had to feel some resentment toward me. I’d caused the accident that had ruined her life, and now I’d become part of a scandal that would expose her. No wonder she wanted to get away from me.
I wanted to slam my fist into the wall, screaming and cussing, but that wouldn’t bring her back, and it wouldn’t undo the damage I’d caused.
As I left the hospital, I checked my phone. The story had hit. Boy Band Lies, the headlines said. StarX Stole My Song.
The shit storm had begun.
I CRIED AFTER MATTY left. I knew I’d done the right thing, but that didn’t make it hurt less. It had to be like this—I’d known it all along. But instead of letting him go, I’d clung to him. For just a short while, I’d thought we could make a go of this, but I’d been wrong. It was better to let him go now than to watch him slowly slip away. If he stayed with me out of obligation, he’d end up resenting me. Every day, I’d see him love me a little less. Every day, that special way he looked at me would diminish.
He’d spend all his nights around girls much more beautiful than I could ever be now. Girls who’d throw themselves at him. Matty might be a good man, and he might be a noble man, but he was still a man. There was only so much temptation a man could resist, especially when the alternative was heading home to someone with a ravaged face.
I’d told him to go away so many times before, and it’d never stuck. I knew if I stayed in this room, in this bed, he’d be back and we’d make up and it’d be just like before.
I had to make a complete break. If I disappeared from Matty’s life forever, he’d miss me for a while, then he’d get over it. And if I disappeared, I wouldn’t have the temptation. I had to become a new person, but I couldn’t do that while I was clinging to my old life.
My hand trembled as I pressed the buzzer.
“I have to get out of here,” I said to the nurse.
She stared, not seeming to comprehend.
“I have to leave this room,” I told her.
“Maybe in a few days.”
“Now!”
The nurse flinched, but my mind was made up, and I had no time to spare.
“Don’t just stand there gulping. Get someone I can talk to who can make this happen.”
“But it’s late.”
I raised my eyebrows. “So? This is an issue concerning my security and my recovery. I’m no longer safe in this room. Do you understand?”
This would’ve been so much easier if Nurse Lucy had been on duty. She’d have had a lick of common sense instead of standing around gulping.
“I’ll talk to someone,” the nurse said.
“Not just someone, but the right people. This needs to happen tonight.”
The nurse wasn’t totally useless, since a while later, a doctor came in with a security guy. Not Dr. Roche, but another doctor.
“What’s the issue?” the doctor asked. “I hope you haven’t called me in here for nothing.”
I didn’t want to tell him the entire truth. That was none of his business.
“There’s a major security issue. My partner is going to be involved in a scandal. Do you know what that means? People—and by people, I mean scumbag reporters—will want to know his every move. Those moves involve me. Do you want a swarm of reporters all over your hospital? In the hallways, getting in the way of the patients? There’s only one solution here, and that’s to move me and not let anyone know where I am.”
The doctor stared across the room for quite a while. The security guy didn’t say anything but watched the doctor. Finally, he sucked in his lips and assessed me.
“There’s a place. Not in this hospital, but out in the countryside. Normally, it’s just used for convalescence, but you’re recovering better than we expected. It might work. It won’t be cheap, though.”
“I don’t care about cheap. I care about not having my scarred, messed-up face all over the media. I care about not being the subject of public gossip.”
“You’ll need to be heli-lifted.”
“That’s not a problem. Just do what needs to be done. Getting out of this hospital will be even better. No one will know where I am, and no one will know where to look for me. This is to remain completely confidential. No one must know about it. Especially not Matty.”
“Surely, you want someone notified.”
I thought for a moment. “My manager, Madeline. She should know. No one else. Not the staff here. Not a single soul other than her.”
The doctor nodded.
It didn’t take long after that for things to start happening. Dr. Roche came in to talk to me, and I told him the same thing. Then a nurse packed up my things. I got put into a wheelchair and taken to the helipad. I had no idea where I was going, but I could see the lights of the city twinkling below me until those lights thinned out to just a sparkle here and there.
I should’ve asked where this place was, but I could find that out later. I didn’t even care that much. I was on the move. My plan had worked.
When we arrived, someone met me at the helipad with another wheelchair. I got taken into a beautiful country mansion that looked nothing like a hospital. Even in the dark, the garden they wheeled me though had a strong scent of flowers. I couldn’t see much of the grounds, but they were definitely gorgeous.
Then I got taken inside and wheeled to my room.
My old room had been pretty fancy, but it’d still been a hospital room. The room here was nothing like that. I felt like a guest in a grand home. The furniture all looked antique, especially the dressing table. French doors opened to the outside. I almost smiled, thinking about that huge bed, until it hit me that I’d be sleeping in it alone.
All alone forever.
WHEN I GOT BACK TO the hotel, I got out my phone. I had to call Damo, but before I could do that, I noticed the background photo on my phone. I rarely paid attention to it. That photo of Fiona at the Eiffel Tower.
Jesus, I’d told her that one day she’d look back at the photo and realize how beautiful she’d been. It’d been like I’d cursed us by saying that. It might be a stupid thing to think, but a cold dread crept through me. I couldn’t bring myself to change the photo, though.
I called Damo.
“I think you need to know,” I told him. “This shit’s hit the media, and it might reflect badly on the Freaks. If you want me to officially leave and sever any connection, I’ll understand. From your position, it’s all about damage control.”
Damo laughed. “I bet you’re glad that your name’s been taken off that song.”
“That’s the silver lining.”
“To be honest, I don’t think this is going to harm us at all. It was a different time. You were a different person. I’d like to think our fans won’t be influenced by something like that. If you didn’t have to stay with Fiona, I’d want you up on stage with us tonight. That’s the best way to damage-control this. Unfortunately, with you leaving the tour without explanation, it’s going to throw fuel on the fire. But, yeah, I know you can’t leave her.”
“Yeah, umm... about that...” I wasn’t sure what to say.
“She’s okay?” Damo asked.
“She’s gone,” I told him. “I told her about this last night, and today, she’s not in her room. The doctor said she’s been moved, and that’s all he’ll say.”
“Shit, man. That’s rough. But maybe it’s for the best. If you can’t find her, the press can’t.”
I stayed silent for a while, churning this over in my mind. Damo was right about getting up onstage. Playing with the band, knowing Fiona had left me, would be the toughest thing I’d ever do, but it’d shit all over these rumors.
“I’ll do it,” I said. “If you really mean it. I’ll play tonight.”
“Get off the phone and book your flight. And, Matt, things will work out with Fiona. That woman is crazy over you.”
Damo could say that, but she’d gone. I reeled from the shock, the ache inside me only getting stronger. She’d told me to go; she’d told me that a thousand times. I’d never believed her. I’d never once thought she meant it.
I threw a few things together, then told my parents what was going on, filling them in on Fiona and the show tonight.
“We’re coming with you,” Mom said. “It won’t take long to pack.”
“Huh?”
I’d assumed they’d say here, or maybe make arrangements to go home.
“We’ve never seen you play with your new band. Of course we’re coming,” Dad added.
Before I even got a chance to argue, Mom had their stuff packed and ready to go. There was no real reason they couldn’t come to the show, except that I wanted to be on my own to brood. I had so much to sort out in my mind. Mom and Dad were great, but I didn’t want cheering up. I didn’t deserve cheering up. They both seemed so keen to come with me, though, so I could hardly say no.
We jumped into a cab, and I booked their flights while we rode. I called Ash and sent a few messages. With that out of the way, I slumped back and stared out the window.
Mom and Dad chatted about the scenery and things they’d done in Paris. Their talk hovered around me, but I couldn’t focus on it.
Since I’d left the hospital, I’d tried calling Fiona a dozen times. I’d messaged her just as many times, but I got no reply. I hadn’t expected one, but I still couldn’t stop checking my phone.
There had to be some way I could get to her. Once I returned to Paris, I’d work it out. If I saw her again, I could make her understand. I knew what was going on in Fiona’s head, and the thing that hurt most was that she didn’t trust me. She thought I was the kind of guy who’d lose interest in her because of the way she looked. No matter how many times I tried to tell her, she still didn’t believe that I loved her for who she was, not what she looked like.
Or maybe it wasn’t like that at all. Maybe every time she looked at me, she saw the man who’d ruined her life. Nothing I could give her would compensate for that.
Mom reached out and rubbed my leg. “It’ll be okay. She just needs to time to adjust,” she said.
I tried to smile, but I wasn’t convinced it would be okay or that it’d work out fine in the end. There was no guarantee of that.
But we’d arrived at the airport. I took a deep breath. I had a plane to catch and a show to play. I’d committed to that, and the fans at the show tonight wouldn’t give a goddamn if my world had fallen apart. They wanted to have a good time. I could put my troubles aside for one night and give them the best night of their lives.
WE WENT STRAIGHT TO the stadium when we arrived in Barcelona. I took Mom and Dad backstage and found Damo.
“It’s our last night here. It’s going to be a big one,” he said. “Are you sure you remember the set?”
I shrugged. “I haven’t been away that long.”
“No, but you’ve been through a lot.”
“I’m good,” I told him. Then I noticed Mom and Dad staring at Damo in a way that was a little creepy. “These are my parents. They were staying with me in Paris and came to see the show.”
Damo shook their hands and asked them a bunch of questions. Mom blushed, and Dad chatted away. While they talked, I went off to check my gear. Even though the guitar techs would’ve kept everything in tune, I wanted to make sure for myself.
Fay rushed to me. “How’s Fiona?” she asked. “I really wanted to visit, but I never got the chance.”
I wasn’t sure how much Damo had told the rest of the guys. “She’s not really up for visitors,” I said. “She’s very self-conscious.”
Fay nodded. “But she’s much better now, right?”
“She’s out of danger,” I said.
“And meanwhile, you’re the current scandal,” she said with a laugh. “It’s so stupid.”
I took a deep breath. Fay meant well, but I wasn’t really in the mood for her chatter. Before she could say any more, Crow came over and put his arm around her.
“Leave the man alone,” he said.
She pouted. “Sorry, Matt. I get carried away with my talking sometimes.”
I waved my hand. “It’s fine.”
Both of them gave me a look, and it hit me why Fiona had said she didn’t want pity. It wasn’t a nice feeling. Sure, people meant well, and their sympathy was genuine, but I’d much rather not need anyone’s sympathy. Things became awkward for a minute.
Soon, the two of them went off, and it was just me and my guitars. I picked one up.
Facing the crowd tonight would be difficult, but playing wouldn’t. With the guitar in my arms, everything settled into place, and for a moment, I forgot the rest of the world.
Just playing a few simple riffs got me more grounded.
We sound-checked, then I gave Mom and Dad a tour of the place until it was time to go on.
That night, the music came back to me like I was fitting into a well-worn groove. I loved playing with this band, and I loved that Damo wanted me back onstage with them, despite everything. They were like family, and I knew they had my back.
A few songs in, Damo introduced the band. “You all remember Matty, right?” he said. “He’s been away for a while because he had a bit of an accident, but now he’s all mended and ready to rock. You are mended, Matt?”
I gave the crowd a thumbs-up and got a huge cheer. Damo had been right. Most of this crowd had no problem with the whole song issue. They were here for the music, not some long-ago drama.
Then some joker in the crowd screamed out, “Play ‘Candy-Colored Kitten’!”
I held my breath, not wanting this to turn nasty, but Damo stepped up. “Not sure we know the words to that one. You’re at the wrong place.”
The tension dissipated as laughter filled the arena.
Crisis averted.
Attention fell away from me, and I went back to playing my guitar off to the side. It was my place, the place where I belonged. If I left the tour, left the band, I wouldn’t miss the fame and everything that went with it; I’d never lied about that. What I would miss was being part of something bigger than myself: this group of people, all intertwined.
When I worked as a session muso, I’d gotten to play, but it was always other people’s music. I could write my own songs, no problem about that, but it was a solo endeavor. I’d never have that interplay, those moments when I soared on the genius of those working with me, when the four of us became so more than just four people. A kind of magic got plucked out of the air, and we created music that came from God knew where.
That happened tonight. The music floated out of us, hovering over the crowd, holding them all captive. Energy pulsated in the stadium, not the usual frenzied tension, but something much greater yet somehow gentler. My heart couldn’t be mended, but that energy soothed it, at least.
As I played my guitar, all the pent-up feelings I’d held back since the accident rushed out. Things I hadn’t even known I was holding in. Those feelings swirled into the air, mixing with the energy flowing from us to the crowd and being fed right back to them.
Elijah grinned from the other side of the stage. He felt it too: that sense of a perfect moment.
I reached a clarity I’d been lacking.
Fiona had been right. Even if I denied it, I would be making a sacrifice for her if I left all this behind. It wasn’t a sacrifice I’d regret making—she’d always be first in my life—but it would still be something that was taken from me.
When she disappeared, my first impulse had been to hunt her down, search every single room in that hospital until I found her. I’d intended doing whatever it took to find her when I got back to Paris. I’d break her down until she agreed to see me, no matter what.
But I’d been wrong.
Fiona had made her decision. It might be the wrong decision; it might be a decision based on her insecurities. She needed time. Maybe she even needed distance from me. I’d thought I could give her everything she ever needed, but there were things she needed to find for herself. No matter how much I loved Fiona, no matter how much I wanted to be with her, things between us would never work out until she learned to love herself.
A wave of excitement ripped through the crowd as we got to the chorus. People loved this song. The louder they shouted, the tighter we played.
I couldn’t be with Fiona now, and I had no idea if I ever would be, but for now, my place was here.
AFTER THE SHOW, I TOLD Damo I’d stay on with the tour. I’d go back to Paris to check out of my hotel, then I’d join up with them in Rome. I’d also need to tell the whole story to the rest of the band, and to the Wreckage guys too. I didn’t want more questions like Fay’s that I’d need to sidestep around.
Mom and Dad came backstage to join us.
“That was amazing,” Mom said.
Dad slapped his arm around my shoulders. “I’m proud of you,” he said.
I explained to them that I was going to continue with the tour.
Mom nodded. “That’s probably for the best. You can’t keep running after Fiona. She’s got to sort things out for herself.”
We both had things to sort out, but I didn’t say that.
As the crew finished packing up and came backstage, I wanted to get Mom and Dad back to the hotel. When some of these guys got drunk, it wouldn’t be pretty, and there was a bunch of groupies hanging around. There’d be cussing and fooling around. My parents didn’t need to see that.
But before I could get that arranged, Mom had gone off to chat with Polly and Fay. I groaned. That definitely wouldn’t end well. Who knew what those girls would be talking about? The three of them kept laughing.
Then Damo came over, and Dad started asking him questions about the technical aspects of the concert. Damo took Dad off to look at some of the equipment with Dad grinning like a schoolboy on an outing. He loved all that techie shit.
That left me on my own.
After every concert on this tour, it’d been Fiona and me. Often, she didn’t come to the shows, and I’d rush back to the hotel to be with her, but it’d always been the two of us together. The space where she’d always been seemed so empty now, a reminder of what I’d lost. With the party buzzing around me, that empty space seemed to taunt me. It would be like this for every show from now on, and I had to get used to it.
A groupie in a very short leather miniskirt threw herself down on the sofa beside me. She gave me a seductive grin as she flicked her long black hair over her shoulder.
“Great show,” she said.
I didn’t even look in her direction. Hopefully, she’d get the hint and back off. Instead, she moved closer.
“You seem awfully sad,” she said. “I can cheer you up.”
I pushed her away, but she didn’t want to take no for an answer. I’d never been that tempted by groupies, and the thought of any other woman but Fiona seemed vile.
She threw her arms around my neck. I tried to unpeel them, but she clung all the tighter. I tried pushing her again, but I didn’t want to hurt her. I just wanted her gone.
“Don’t fight,” she said. “I’m very good.”
I tried to stand up, but that became impossible with her gripping me so tight. Then, suddenly, she looked up. I followed her gaze.
Mom.
“Get your hands off my son, young lady,” Mom said.
The groupie looked at Mom, then looked at me, then she scurried away.
As I stood up, Elijah caught my eye. I’d never hear the end of this, my mom saving me from a groupie backstage.
It was time to get out of there.
The next morning, we got up early to head to the airport. I checked the news. Ash had released a statement from both of us apologizing. It didn’t really say much. Better to put out a bland, non-newsworthy statement and let this mess die down.
I put my phone away. There’d be a million comments online, both for and against us. Ash certainly had more than his fair share of haters; he was that kind of person. But no matter what people said about me, it didn’t really influence my life at all. I didn’t even bother reading any of it.
When I got back to the hotel, I changed my booking and packed up my room. I still had a suitcase filled with Fiona’s things. I hadn’t thought about that, since I’d taken what she’d needed from the case and put it in the wardrobe.
I gazed out the window at the hospital. There was a light on in her room, but it wasn’t her room any longer. Someone else had that room now, and I had no reason to look.
I guessed the best thing to do would be to take her stuff back over there and give it to her doctor.
Just walking through the hospital doors made my heart thud.
I didn’t want to think about the possibility that I might see Fiona. She wouldn’t be ready to leave her room yet. But the familiar sights and smells took me back to that time that seemed so long ago now, that time when I’d thought we had a future together. I ached to have that time back, but right now, I had to put my life into a holding pattern.
I couldn’t plan for the future, but I had what I had. This ache inside had to be ignored. I took the elevator up to the doctor’s office. I’d drop off the case and get the hell out of there.
Before I could enter his office, though, I heard him talking to someone. I didn’t want to interrupt, so I waited outside. Then I heard him mention Fiona’s name. I really didn’t want to eavesdrop, but I couldn’t move away. Even an indication that she was getting on okay would make me feel a lot better. I couldn’t ask the doctor for news straight out. He’d never tell me.
I leaned against the wall, feeling like scum for doing this but not able to move.
“If she needs further surgery, she’ll have to come back from Lyon in a few weeks,” the doctor said.
What? Come back? She wasn’t here at the hospital but somewhere else? Lyon?
“She’s very depressed,” the other voice said. “I think that needs to be our immediate concern.”
“She’ll get better care for that at the home than she would here. They have a lot more staff to deal with those kinds of issues.”
I heard them move and wanted to get away from the office door before the doctor saw me. I couldn’t let him know I’d been listening in like some horrible creeper. Knowing where Fiona was didn’t help me one bit. Chasing after her would betray her trust and make her retreat even further.
I’d go to the nurse’s station and leave the case there. Then I’d keep walking and continue on with my life.
––––––––
I’D BEEN IN THIS HOSPITAL two weeks, but the days all ran together. I’d asked them to take my phone when I first got here so I’d have no temptation to call Matty. Every single day, I craved to ask for it back. Even if I didn’t call him, I’d be able to read somewhere about what he was up to. Every single time, I resisted, though.
A nurse came in each morning, and after I ate breakfast, she’d help me shower and dress, then she’d wheel me up for my physio sessions. I hated those sessions with a fiery passion, but at least they tired me out and gave me less time to think. I hated thinking, so I worked hard to exhaust myself.
After lunch, there were a bunch of activities I could do. This place was like a fancy club with all their options. Mostly, I just stayed in my room, looking out at the gardens. I didn’t want to interact with the other patients.
Most of the bandages had been removed from my face. I never looked at myself, and I didn’t want anyone else looking, either. I could feel the scars crisscrossing over my skin, their hard, waxy feel contrasting with the rest of my skin.
Sometimes, it seemed like I’d spent half my life in places like this, only before it’d been rehab centers and I’d spent my days planning ways to get out so I could score more drugs. This time, I dreaded the day I had to leave. I had no desire to return to the real world. Even with my heart breaking, this was the best place for me. I didn’t need to see anyone from the outside world. I didn’t need to interact.
The nurses here were very businesslike. Sometimes, I wondered how they were getting on in my old ward. I’d never found out if Nurse Lucy’s boyfriend had proposed to her, and I hadn’t been there to give her another makeover. I guessed their lives had moved on and I was just another patient.
When I got back to my room after physio that day, the nurse said she had someone she wanted me to meet.
“You know I don’t like interacting with the other patients,” I told her.
“Even if you don’t like it, you should meet this woman.”
I wasn’t sure what made this woman special, but the nurse seemed really insistent.
I sighed. “Do I have to stay long?”
“Not unless you want to. We can come back to your room anytime.”
“Okay.” I agreed, but I wasn’t sure this was a good idea.
The nurse wheeled me to another room. I hadn’t realized we were going to the patient’s room. Her room was on the ground floor, the same as mine, but hers looked out on another side of the building. It got the afternoon sun.
I looked around, but I couldn’t see anyone else in the room. That was strange. This room seemed warmer and more elegant than mine, with little touches like flowers on the tables and personal things around. A writing set and a gorgeous pen on the small desk.
Was she out somewhere? It wasn’t really polite for us to come to her room when she wasn’t there.
Then the woman wheeled herself out of the shadows. She greeted me but didn’t look me full in the face. Even sitting in that chair, she wore a tea dress with a large rose print. She could’ve been going to a garden party. I looked down at my sleepwear, and suddenly, it didn’t seem appropriate. There was no reason I couldn’t dress in real clothes.
The nurse left but hovered near the doorway.
“Fiona?” the woman asked.
Even though she kept the left side of her face turned away from me, I could see the scarring.
I nodded in answer to her greeting. Then I looked back at the doorway. I wasn’t sure what the nurse had in mind, but if this was meant to be one of those things where they introduced me to someone worse off than me to make me feel better, I wanted out of here now.
The nurse had wandered off.
“I’m Lilly,” the woman said, extending her hand.
I shook her hand. The woman had a gracefulness that was noticeable, even sitting in that wheelchair.
“I’ve seen you in magazines,” she said. “You’ve had an amazing career. Despite your history.”
Where was that nurse? I definitely needed to leave. Maybe I could wheel this chair myself. I’d been working hard on building my muscles. I didn’t need the nurse. Anything would be better than sitting here listening to this woman’s judgement on my life.
“Don’t leave,” Lilly said. “I just wanted to let you know that I know a few things about you.”
I didn’t say a word, but she continued talking.
“You’ve probably never heard of me, but I had my share of fame. Way before your time, of course. I was a dancer. I spent many years on the stage.”
That explained her graceful movements. She turned to me, and for the first time, I saw her face full-on. Burn scars covered one side. Although they were faded now, the scars were still noticeable.
“I was in a fire, and you can see the damage. That’s not the reason I’m here now, but I was thought of as one of the most beautiful women in the world in my day.”
My thoughts turned to pity. To have been that beautiful and have it all taken away. Maybe this woman stayed here now to avoid attention. I could understand that.
“In the long run, though, what does it matter?” she asked. “Beautiful or not, it’s all nothing.”
I shook my head. This woman was deluding herself if she thought that was something the world didn’t care about.
“But you lost your career. You lost everything.”
Lilly laughed. “I didn’t lose a thing, dear. I gained everything. Instead of living to be other people’s fantasies, I became my own woman. I traveled the world. I did the work I wanted to do. I fell in love and got married.”
I raised my eyebrows. Was she for real?
The nurse brought in a tray with a teapot and cups while we talked. Lilly told me about the work she’d done after the fire. She’d studied and become a veterinary surgeon.
“Animals don’t give a damn what you look like, my dear. I was rich, so I didn’t have to work, but that became my greatest joy. I volunteered overseas and worked with stray dogs who had no one else to care for them. I’ve been all over the place, and I like to think I’ve made a difference.”
Lilly poured the tea and offered me a cup.
“That’s what I should’ve done in the first place, instead of that stupid ballet. That’s why I’m here now. Years and years of excessive rehearsal have finally taken their toll. I’ve fucked up my legs. You know, during all those years of dancing and acclaim and admiration, all I ever wanted to do was eat a damn cake. Eat until I could eat no more. I spent too much of my life starving just so I could twirl around on my tiptoes.”
I nodded. I knew the feeling. Even after I’d quit modeling, it had felt like I could never indulge for fear I’d put on weight. During the time Matty and I had explored Paris, I’d see pastry shops and stare longingly through the windows, but I’d never go inside.
Madeline’s voice had echoed in my head. “Do you really want that? Do you want it more than your career? If you eat it, you’ll soon be back in that horrible apartment, scratching for a crust of bread after your mother’s spent all your money on smack.” That was the fear that had motivated me.
“You’re off that roundabout now,” Lilly said. “Never good enough, never pretty enough, never anything enough.” She laughed. “Eat the cake. Enjoy all of life’s pleasures, because that’s when you become a real person, my dear, not just a pretty trinket.”
I nodded, but it was okay for Lilly. She was old anyway. I had a lot of years ahead of me, more than a pep talk could make up for.
THE NEXT DAY, LILLY invited me to her room again.
Before I visited, I asked the nurse to get out my suitcase. It’d seemed pointless to bother getting dressed before, but suddenly it seemed like I had a purpose.
“You have such beautiful clothes,” the nurse said. “I wouldn’t waste in that old suitcase. Do you want me to hang them for you?”
I nodded and picked out an outfit to wear. I did my hair properly rather than just tying it back in a ponytail. I made a real effort, because it seemed rude to visit such a stylish lady looking unkempt. I didn’t put on makeup, though. Even though the doctor had said it would be okay now, I never bothered.
The nurse got the wheelchair for me.
“I can walk on my own,” I said. “There’s nothing wrong with my legs. And I’ve been doing enough exercise with that physio.”
The nurse shrugged. I guessed I could’ve been walking around the whole time I’d been here, but I’d been so passive about everything.
When I got to Lilly’s room, the first thing I spotted was the plate of macaroons sitting on the table, their jewel colors almost glowing.
“Is that allowed?” I asked.
Lilly shrugged. “Of course it’s allowed. Who the hell is going to stop me from having a treat?”
One look at her face confirmed that. She was one tough cookie, that was for sure.
“Stop it,” she ordered.
“Stop what?” I asked.
“You’re mentally calculating how many calories are in these, aren’t you?”
I blushed. She wasn’t wrong. I never once looked at food without doing that. I’d been doing it for so long, I wasn’t even conscious of it.
“How do you stay so thin, eating like this?” I asked.
“One macaroon won’t kill me.”
There was far more than one macaroon each on that plate.
“Eat. Enjoy,” Lilly said. “And don’t for one minute feel guilty.”
I picked up a glossy red macaroon, stopping to embrace the raspberry smell before I put it in my mouth. Everything about it filled me with pleasure. Not just the smell, but the color and the texture and the sweet-but-tart taste hitting my tongue.
How had I denied myself for so long? That damn thing seemed to explode in my mouth. I wanted to moan out loud from the sheer pleasure.
That afternoon, we chatted until the nurse came to tell me it was time to leave. We didn’t talk about medical things or our issues. We talked about travel and all the wonderful adventures we’d had in this world.
“Come back tomorrow,” Lilly said.
When I found out she went swimming, I wanted to go too. I asked the physio woman about it. I seemed to remember she’d mentioned it when I’d first arrived, but I’d brushed her off.
“You’ll need modified strokes to protect your left arm,” she said. “But we can work on it. It might be worth replacing some of the sessions here with pool sessions.”
For the next week, I went to Lilly’s room instead of staying on my own in the afternoon. The two of us could talk for hours. She was the first person I’d felt comfortable with since my accident. I’d never even felt that comfortable with Matty.
One day, while I was speaking with her, she put her head to the side and gave me a strange look.
“What?” I asked, smoothing my hair.
“You’ve started looking at me like a person, not like a victim. I know you tried to hide it, but you always had a trace of pity in your eyes before.”
I wanted to explain, but deep down, I knew she was right. I’d only be justifying myself, and I knew justifications wouldn’t cut it with this woman.
“How does he look at you?” she asked.
“Who?” I asked, staring into my teacup. I’d never mentioned Matty to Lilly.
“Your man. The one you’re running away from. Don’t deny it.”
I gulped. I really needed to think about that. How did he look at me? I’d avoided his gaze so often since the accident, not wanting him to look at me when I was like this. And to be honest, I’d been so wrapped up in my own self-pity that I’d never noticed.
“I’m not sure. Maybe I’ll never know.”
Lilly laughed. “Don’t be afraid to find out. Ask him to come here and find out for yourself.”
I shook my head. Would Matty come here if I asked him? Maybe he’d decided that life was better without me. I wanted him to feel no obligation toward me.
“You’ll only know if you ask,” Lilly said. “Then you can either be together or you can get over him forever. He might be a good man, the best man ever, but if he looks at you with pity, you’ll never be happy with him.”
I left Lilly’s room with so much churning in my head. I wanted to think this over. When I got back to my room, I had a message saying that Doctor Roche would see me the next day.
He needed to assess whether I needed further operations or not.
“Ah, Fiona, you look so much better,” he said when I went to my appointment. I wasn’t so sure.
He kept chatting as he examined me, but I didn’t really listen. It was hospital gossip, and that place seemed a whole world away.
Then he asked something that got my attention. “Has your partner been to see you here?”
I shook my head. “Of course not. This move was confidential. You know that.”
He took a step back and made some notes. “But still, he could find out, right? It’s not impossible.”
The way he said it made me jolt. What was going on? The whole reason I’d come here was so he couldn’t find me. I didn’t want to be found. I’d made that perfectly clear.
“How would he find out? You said I had complete privacy.”
He didn’t look at me as he kept writing those notes. “It’s possible he may have overheard—he brought your suitcase to the hospital while I was talking to a colleague.”
What? He’d been talking about me when he knew Matty was there? Dr. Roche had totally betrayed my trust.
“You did that on purpose!”
“I did not. I was just a little overzealous.” He said that, but he didn’t look at me.
I’d known that Doctor Roche didn’t approve of my breaking it off with Matty, but that was none of his damn business. He had no right, no right at all. If I couldn’t trust my doctor, I didn’t want him treating me.
Anger welled up inside me. I wanted to get away from him and out of this hospital.
“You don’t require a second operation, but we should discuss plastic surgery options,” he said.
“No. We should discuss me returning home. I can continue my treatment there.”
I hadn’t considered that option before, but why not? I had nothing to gain from staying here, and I was well enough to travel. I would have to go out into the world with this face, which was the thing I dreaded most, but maybe it was time I put it all on the line.
Doctor Roche told me it’d be a few weeks before I could travel. I nodded. That worked out perfectly. There was something I needed to do before I returned home, and it’d take me a while to work up the courage. It would take more courage than I thought I had, but Lilly had raised a question I needed answered.
Matty had known where I was, but he hadn’t contacted me. What did that mean? That he wanted me out of his life, or that he wanted me to have this time for myself?
After my appointment, I went to the nurses’ station and asked for my phone back, even if I didn’t plan on using it for a while.
WE’D COME TO THE END of the tour. One last show to play, and it would all be over. After that, I wasn’t sure what I’d be doing. The guys all wanted to have a break for a while, then get into the studio to record a new album in a few months’ time. I could go home and take a break myself, but home without Fiona was no home at all. Mom and Dad were still touring around Europe, so I could join them. Or I could spend a bit of time traveling on my own, but none of those options felt right. The only thing I had to fill the gap Fiona had left in my life was my music, and without that, I’d have to face the emptiness head-on.
I stood at the side of the stage watching Wreckage play before we went on. Those guys had grown from strength to strength, and Elijah had kept ribbing Damo about how he’d cope when his girlfriend became more famous than he was.
Mostly, I didn’t spend much time with the other guys. Not now that they were all paired up—it made my loneliness more pronounced. A few times, I’d been out drinking with Jax from Wreckage and a couple of the other guys. Fartstard, the tour manager, always joined us and made inappropriate jokes all night. I wasn’t great company, though. I’d never been one for drowning my sorrows.
Damo moved to stand beside me. “Great crowd tonight. It’s going to make going back to normal life seem boring.”
I nodded. With the other guys living in the States and me living in Australia, it seemed like a bigger breakup.
Wreckage finished their set, but the audience screamed for an encore. The opener band never did encores, but Damo gave a nod. It wouldn’t give us much time to get ready to go on, but what the hell. It was the last night.
Fay’s vocals screamed out loud. She had a helluva voice for a tiny girl, a little bit gritty and a little bit country and definitely the type that sent shivers down your spine. As she sang, she moved around that stage as though standing still wasn’t even an option.
They finally got offstage and the lot of us went backstage, but we only had a few minutes before we had to get into position. I gulped down some water, checked my hair, then picked up my phone. I didn’t normally check it backstage, but some impulse made me pick it up.
When I read the message, I almost dropped the phone again.
“Come on, Matt,” Damo said. “No time for mucking around on your phone.”
I gave him a little wave, then read the message again. It had to be a joke.
Damo grabbed my arm. A signal it was time to go, no arguments.
“I’ve got a message,” I said. “From Fiona.”
He let go of my arm. “Everything’s fine?”
“She says she’s here. At the show. It’s got to be a joke.”
My body went clammy just saying those words. I couldn’t believe they were true.
“I’ll give you a moment,” he said, then walked off, leaving me alone.
I couldn’t phone her. She’d never hear me, but I sent her a message, still not sure it wasn’t someone playing a sick joke on me.
“Go to the sound desk,” I typed. “I’ll send someone with a pass.”
She hadn’t said she wanted one, but she’d messaged me, so surely she wanted to see me. I tried to bury the hope growing inside me. If this was a joke, I’d find the person responsible and rip them apart with my bare hands. But who’d send a message like that? It was from her number.
Before heading to the stage, I found Fartstard.
“Fiona’s going to be at the sound desk,” I told him. “Get her a pass. Make sure you find her.”
He saluted and was about to make a smart remark when he saw my expression.
“No worries,” he said, and rubbed my arm.
A smart remark would’ve been preferable to that bit of closeness.
On stage that night, the music flew out of me as though angels inspired my playing. The other guys were on a high because of it being the final night, but I had more than that inspiring me.
She was out there somewhere.
I played for her and no one else. I wasn’t even sure how I got through the set.
Being on that stage with thousands of people separating us drove me a little crazy. I played for her, but more than that, I wanted her in my arms.
I hated relying on Fartstard. He was no Cupid, that’s for sure. If I checked my phone onstage, Damo would kill me. There was not one single reason in this world that he’d forgive that. Not one.
Knowing she was here and missing out on seeing her would destroy me. I kept scanning the crowd, but there was no way I could pick her out amongst all those people. I’d check my phone as soon as we went off. I’d have a bit of time before the encore, maybe ten minutes or so.
Just thinking that made me glance over to the side. My phone was still there with my other stuff. I missed a note on my guitar as my heart missed a beat. Fiona stood in the shadows.
I finished the song with shaking hands and a lump the size of a boulder in my chest. This damn song couldn’t end fast enough. We finished, and I rushed to her, barely taking the time to pull my guitar off me.
I had so much I wanted to say, but none of it mattered as I swept her into my arms. Talking could wait. Was this a dream? If it was, I never wanted to wake up. I pressed her body against mine, the joy of feeling her almost unbearable. Her arms winding around my neck, her breath on my skin: all I wanted in this life.
I wasn’t sure how long I held her, but Damo grabbed my arm.
“Encore,” he said.
“Don’t go anywhere,” I said to her. “Do not move.”
Even with thousands of people screaming, I could only look at Fiona. She was more beautiful than anything I’d ever seen in my life.
LILLY HAD TOLD ME TO search Matty’s eyes for signs of pity, but I couldn’t do that when he held me so tight. If Damo hadn’t pulled him back onstage, he might never have let me go.
It had taken every last ounce of my courage to come here, but it was the last show, my last chance. It’d taken all my powers of persuasion to convince the doctors to let me come, too. And I’d paid way too much money for a scalped ticket, but I’d done it.
Then I’d taken the train to get here. A few people had given me strange looks, but I’d ignored them, and they’d quickly turned away. One thing I realized now was that I couldn’t live my life in seclusion. I had to be around people, and they’d stare at times. I didn’t like it, and I hadn’t gotten used to it, but I hadn’t let it hold me back, either.
Traveling here, I’d thought about messaging Matt a thousand times. I’d debated if it was right or wrong. I could watch him from the crowd without him even knowing I was there and then leave, returning home knowing I’d seen him one last time.
But once I got to the stadium, I knew I wouldn’t be happy with that. Seeing Matty onstage would never be enough for me.
I’d sent the message, unsure he’d get it before he went on. When I got his message back, I’d rushed to the sound desk. Fartstard had met me there with the pass. The way he avoided looking at my face almost made me laugh. The guy was way too awkward, and I guessed he thought he was being sensitive.
Excitement surged through me as I pushed my way through the crowd. Fear, terror, apprehension—the whole mix. My hands were sweating and my stomach lurched, but I went anyway. I had to know.
I flashed the pass at security and walked up to the stage area.
While Matty played, I hid in the shadows. I didn’t want anyone to see me, not Polly or Fay or any of the crew. I’d made it this far, but I wasn’t ready for their pity and concern.
Then he saw me, and the world seemed to stop. I noticed his hands shaking as he played, even if no one else did.
When the song stopped, I froze. What would he do?
I wanted to explain, but he’d squeezed the words right out of me. When his arms wrapped around me, I knew I was in the right place.
I didn’t regret leaving him. I’d needed that time to discover things for myself, and now I could be with him, whole and healing. I might never accept things in the graceful way Lilly did, but I had reached a place where I could accept Matty’s love.
He went back on and did the encore. I kept watching, and Fay and Polly joined me, linking their arms with mine. Fay kept patting my arm, too. It was sweet, but a little too much touching for my liking.
“You’re back,” she said when the band went quiet between songs. “I missed you.”
I turned to her and smiled. Shit. That wasn’t what I’d wanted to do, showing my face to her. A flicker of pity came over her face, but then she smiled back. I hadn’t put on any makeup, and while the scars weren’t as red as they’d once been, they were still very visible.
Matty finally finished, and he rushed me to the backstage area.
“What are you doing here? Where have you been? Shit, don’t answer, just kiss me.”
He swept me into another kiss, a kiss that made everything in the world seem right. I clung to him, wanting to touch every part of his body.
Finally, he pulled away. There was no pity in his eyes when he looked at me. Even with my damaged face, all I saw was longing and hope.
“I love you, Fiona,” he said. “You have to know that. That love will never change, even if you do. I’m not sure how to make you understand that, but you have to accept that I’ll never stop loving you.”
I ran my hands up his chest. “I’m sorry for ever doubting that, Matty. I’ve been an idiot. I’m never going to be perfect, but I’m working on being better.”
He leaned toward me, whispering in my ear, “There’s no better. You’re perfect as you are.”
Of course Matty would say that because he was a big sap.
“I’m going home,” I told him. “I want to be treated at home, not in some foreign hospital. I want to be close to the people I love.”
“We’ll go home together,” he said, his gaze not leaving my face.
“Hey, you two, enough of the mushy stuff,” Fay said. “I know you want to screw each other’s brains out, but it’s the final night of the tour, and we need to party.”
The last thing I wanted was to go out partying. And Fay wasn’t wrong: screwing each other’s brains out was high on our agenda.
“At least go back to the hotel for a quickie, then come and join us,” she said. “Damo’s booked out one of the bars at the hotel for us, so it’s not like you have to go far. You’ll regret it later if you don’t. Who knows when all of us will be together again?”
“Well, with half of Wreckage dating half of the Freaks, it’s not going to be that long,” Matty said.
People swirled around us with all the usual backstage madness.
“Am I the only one still single on this tour?” Fartstard said.
“I’m single,” Jax said. “And, no, I’m not hooking up with you. Forget that idea right now.”
I laughed and held Matty tighter. No matter what happened, I’d never let go of him. When I got home, I’d send Lilly a long letter thanking her. In the end, I’d needed more than Matty’s love to be with him. I’d needed to learn to love myself.
Before I could even collect my thoughts, Matty swept me up in his arms. I held him tight around the neck, worried he’d drop me.
“Fay had the right idea,” he said quietly amongst the madness. “Back to the hotel for a quickie.”
I couldn’t argue with that.
MATTY SLOWLY UNDRESSED me, then kissed his way down my body.
“I thought this was supposed to be a quickie,” I said.
He laughed. “Not that quick.”
“You know it’s okay now. I’ve got the all-clear.” Then I squirmed as his kiss hit my belly button.
“Maybe, but I still want to take my time.”
I wasn’t going to argue with that. He could take all the time he liked.
He moved back to kiss my lips, and I stripped his t-shirt from him. “I’ve missed this,” I said.
“Oh, you haven’t missed me, just my body?” he asked. “I didn’t know you objectified me like that.”
“I’ve missed it all.”
He traced his fingers over the scars on my face, and this time I didn’t stop him. I didn’t even flinch. I didn’t exactly love it, but I loved that he could accept all of me.
“What are we going to do when we get home?” I asked. “I’ve been thinking about going back to school.” I wasn’t sure if I could hold a sensible conversation while he was doing that thing on my neck, but I wanted to get things settled.
“That’s a great idea.”
“And you’re going to continue with the Freaks,” I said.
“I am. I tried to deny it, but it’s something I need to do.”
I worked my fingertips over the muscles of his chest. I’d forgotten how good his body felt. “It is,” I said. “You have so many opportunities that you can’t hold yourself back for me. Even if we have to be apart, we’ll handle that.”
He kissed me and interrupted my train of thought. Every bit of passion I’d been holding back until now got released in that kiss. No man would ever be right for me, not in the way Matty was. I held him tighter, as tight as I could. I wanted to meld my body into his. Everything I had, I’d give to him.
Then someone knocked on the door.
“Hurry up! The party’s starting,” Fay called.
“We’ll be there soon,” Matty said.
“You’d better be,” she answered.
I laughed. “We really should join the party.”
Matty kissed me again. The party could wait.
He trailed his fingers down my side, and I shuddered with the anticipation of it all.
“Are you sure you have the all-clear?” he asked.
“Well, I don’t have a certificate or anything, but I’m not going to break.”
His fingers moved across my belly, and I gasped. It’d been way, way too long. How had I survived this long? My cravings for him turned into something much stronger. My entire body pulsated for him. I bit into his shoulder as his fingers moved lower. He’d better not even think of teasing like he had at the hospital. This need for him was primal.
When his fingers moved inside me, I arched my body. Oh, fuck, I needed him. It took him no time to bring me to the edge. This orgasm had been building for so long. My fingers dug into his shoulders as I reached the edge.
Then I screamed, his fingers doing their magic. The world became nothing more than Matty and me.
“You okay?” he asked.
Of course I was okay. I wrapped my legs around him, drawing him to me.
I screamed out again as he entered me, then bit into his shoulder to quiet myself. My insides buzzed with pleasure. Not just the pleasure of him fucking me, but the pleasure of him loving me.
The future had changed for us. Maybe our lives had been too charmed before, but that had only been one of many possible futures, anyway. Matty had his music, and I had so many things I wanted to explore. The two of us would do that together.
My world went fuzzy as the pleasure built up inside me. I come, exploding inside from the pleasure only he could give me.
Matty flopped beside me. Neither of us speaking. Neither of us needing to.
Eventually, he moved. “We should get to this party,” he said.
“We should shower first,” I said with a giggle.
“We’re never getting to the party, are we?” He raised himself up on his elbow and stared at me.
I’d thought I’d never want anyone looking at my face again, but when Matty looked at me like that, I felt beautiful.
If I could always see myself the way I was, reflected in his eyes, I could grow to love myself. Not as a pretty face, and not as a product on a billboard, but as a woman proving myself worthy of his love.