Chapter 6

Long Mornings

It was the sound of ol’ Mr. Caleb, and that mule out back, that woke us to the new day that had started without us. As fast as we could, we both got dressed and snuck out, so nobody saw us. But before goin’ our separate ways, Mattie pulled me close and kissed me like it was somethin’ we’d done a thousand times. “Good morning,” he smiled.

“Hmmm, good mornin’.” And that was all it took before his body and mine woke up too, wantin’ more of last night. “Mattie, no, we have to go. Mama’s got to be lookin’ for me by now, and I’ve got a lesson with Madam LaPierre at high noon.”

“No, I need a lesson. Stay…teach me,” he moaned.

“Mattie, stop it, someone’s goin’ to see us.”

“No they won’t. I’m sure my mother has Father hemmed up, begging for details of last night’s events.”

“Mattie!”

“There’s nothing to worry about, Nady. Trust me.” It was then that he told me all that had happened after I ran off last night. His eyes were kind, but when it came to Miss Elizabeth, I don’t think Mattie really understood the evil that had settled in her soul. I suppose a part of him felt the need to protect her…to try and make up for the love she wasn’t getting from Master. “Nady, stop it,” he said. “Don’t go worrying for no reason.”

He took his finger and lifted my chin to his face, softly demanding that I believe him. “I suppose you should go on and get ready for your lesson. You’re right about your mother, she’s probably already sent someone out searching for you, if she’s not looking for you herself.” I smiled because he was right. As I turned to walk away, he pulled me back and said, “There’s no way I’m letting you go without a kiss goodbye.” His lips were just as soft and sweet as he was. Regardless of what my mind told me, all senses left me when I was in his arms.

As we parted, somethin’ in me refused to let the hope of us die. I walked away with a dancin’ heart, but it would be a short dance…for little did I know, Jaydith was just around the bin, watchin’ me and Mattie from behind the barn. Our secret was no longer a secret; I just didn’t know it.

“Nady!” Mama yelled when she finally saw me. “Where you been? I’ve been lookin’ all over for you!”

“Sorry, Mama, I went for a walk. Just somethin’ ‘bout the mornin’ after a midnight’s rain.” And just like that, before I knew it, I was thinkin’ ’bout Mattie’s hands on me, his lips kissin’ mine. Without permission, a smile found way to my face.

“Mornin’ after a midnight’s rain, hunh? And what’s with dat smile slapped across yo’ face?” And before I could think of a lie, I didn’t have to. “You thinkin’ ’bout Jaydith…wonderin’ when the two of you gonna jump the broom. Can’t imagine it’s gonna be long.”

I couldn’t look her in the face—if I did, she’d know Jaydith was the last thing on my mind—so I turned my head from her and looked towards the sun, wonderin’ what I had gotten myself into. “You know, you goin’ to have to slow down with all dem parties you singin’ at with Madam. Once you and Jaydith jump the broom, won’t be long b’fore you pregnant. Lord knows I can’t wait to see a little you runnin’ round here again.”

“Mama…stop…please. Why are you so against me singin’? Seem like you love anythin’ that keeps me here, washin’ clothes and baking pies. Is that what you want for me, to take the little piece of freedom singin’ gives me?”

“Girl, what’s gotten into you? You talkin’ foolish! Of course I want you free, and if the gift God gave you gives you any kind of it, den my prayers been answered. But Nady, you have to be careful. There’s a line, and I aim to make sho’ you don’t cross over so far that you can’t find your way back.”

“What do you mean?”

“Nady, Jaydith is a good boy. Loved you for as long as I can remember.” She always found a way to bring things back to Jaydith, and I couldn’t take it. I turned around again, but this time it was to shut Mama up and she felt it. “Girl, you look at me when I talk to you!” She grabbed me by the arm and pulled me so that I couldn’t disrespect her.

“I just don’t understand why we have to get married is all. Ain’t legal no ways.”

“Now you listen here. I know Madam LaPierre been teachin’ you more than how to sing in all them different languages. I can’t read or write, but I know my own child, and I can’t stop you from gettin’ your singin’ lessons, but you best get all that other nonsense out yo’ head! This here is North Carolina, not France! You get your head out the clouds, you hear me? What happens up there is angels’ business. We tend to down here, you hear me?”

I’m not sure what happened next. Seem like somethin’ she said ended up speakin’ more to her than it did to me, for slowly Mama walked over to the porch and just stood there, gazing at the mornin’ sky, kinda like it called her name and stopped her from sayin’ any more. After a few long minutes, she spoke. But her voice had changed. She wasn’t talkin’ to me out of rebuke, but out of reason. She spoke the words that only a mother could say to her child. “Nady, my mama dead and gone. My daddy was killed off when I was just a little thing. Got caught tryin’ to get up north to make way for me and Mama. Slave catchers found him and hung him from a tree…one probably a lot like the one I’m lookin’ at now.

“Child, my mama prayed night and day that I would have it better than she did, and I did. And Nady, I prayed the same thing for you, and look atcha. God is a good, good God. And one day, you’ll do the same for your own. We pray for better days, for the ones that will come after us. Dats what we do. Maybe your children will see freedom’s face, I don’t know. Oh, how my soul would sing from heaven’s doors to look down and see my grandchildren walkin’ this land free. Nady, you pray for better, but only the good Lord knows what that better will look like. Don’t fool yo’self into thinkin’ you know the mind of God. His ways ain’t always our way. A sure way to make this life harder than it already is, is to think you know what His will looks like. I prayed for better for you, and Lord knows I never saw you singin’ in all these big, beautiful dresses, travelin’ to and fro’. Couldn’t have imagined it if I tried, but look at you.”

I didn’t want to admit it, but she was right, and deep down I knew it. My nights with Mattie would be just that…nights. His days would be filled with the touch of another. Someone free to hold and love him as she pleased, while I lied in wait, held by invisible chains. Mama saw that her words had found root in my heart, and with the mercy that only a mother could offer, she hastened to loosen their grip. “Plus, you know that ol’ high yellow behind Elize is after Jaydith every chance she can get! I’d keep my eye on her if I was you. Ain’t no doubt in my mind that Jaydith is fixed on you, but men are simple creatures, baby, slave or not.”

And like always, she had won; she was able to make me laugh when I wanted to cry. “Mama, what am I gonna do with you?”

“Oh, don’t worry ’bout tryin’ to do somethin’ with me. All I know is you better get in here and help me with these clothes b’fore you take off for yo’ lesson!”

Eventually, me and Mama made our way to the back of the house to do the clothes. There was no talkin’, just quiet. I’m sure Mama knew she had given me plenty to think on…so she let me be. But now I was the one with the questions. “Why don’t you talk ’bout my pa much?”

She let out a long and hard breath. “Ain’t much to say. Yo’ daddy was a strong-willed man, hard to keep in chains. Thought he could make it up north like my daddy did. Wanted you and me to be free.” She paused and looked towards the north. “And like my daddy, he didn’t make it. He loved me the best way he knew how…gave me you…the best part of both of us.”

I knew to stop. Seemed like both of us had done enough pushin’ for one mornin’. It was enough. “There’s biscuits on the table for you. I’m headed to the kitchen. I’ll see you tonight.” Mama walked away, leavin’ heavy-hearted. For the first time, I realized that she wasn’t tryin’ to keep me from freedom; she just didn’t want me to die chasing it, like my Pa had. Seems there’s a part of a mother that can’t help but to be selfish. She would do all she could to keep me safe. She loved me more than life itself, and in that moment I finally got it.

By that time, the sun had found her full strength, but at least by then I was halfway down the line. Not long after Mama had left, I heard a familiar voice behind me. “Must’ve been some kind of night.” It was Jaydith.

“What you doing, lurking behind trees? You aiming to scare me half to death!” As he got closer to me, his shadow from behind the sheets got bigger, seemed to grow with each step he took. For some reason, his shadow and the sound of his voice took my breath from me, and not in a good way. Jaydith always had a way of sneaking up on you; I guess it was the fighter in him that made him so good at it.

“Jaydith, I ain’t no mind reader. What is it you gettin’ at?” I was in no mind to deal with him. The morning had been too long at that point.

Just as I tried to pick up the basket and walk away, he came from behind the sheets and crossed my steps so that I couldn’t get past him. “Why you rushin’ off?”

“Jaydith, I got to get these sheets up to the main house and then I’ve got to head off for my lesson. You know that.”

But still he wouldn’t let me by. He had somethin’ on his mind, and he aimed to say it, no matter what. “The storm…last night. We ain’t had one like that in a good while. All that thunder and hard rainin’, I didn’t think it was ever gonna end.”

“Jaydith, what is the matter with you? Why you acting like this over a little storm?”

“Oh, now we both know better.” He paused. “Wasn’t nothin’ little ‘bout that storm.”

And just then, I got it. Somethin’ told me he knew. I didn’t want to believe it, but I could feel it; he knew ’bout me and Mattie. So now I had no choice—I had to play along with him, see where this game was going. I had seen Jaydith dance into his enemy’s corner more times than I could count. Now we were the ones doing’ the dancin’.

“So, did you still have to sing for him?” Jaydith asked.

“Kind of.” I could feel my face turn hard.

“What’s that mean, kinda? Either you did or you didn’t.”

“I went, but the storm came up so fast that I didn’t get to sing, so he let me go before the storm.”

“Uh-hunh.”

“What, Jaydith? You got somethin’ to say?”

My anger gave him the upper hand. He had found his way into my corner. “So, you didn’t get caught…in the storm?”

“No, made it in just before it. What’s got you so shook up, Jaydith? All of a sudden you scared of a little rain?” It was then that I realized, Jaydith didn’t just see me and Mattie this mornin’. Somehow he must have seen us last night. But how?

“No, no, I ain’t scared of a little rain. Just makin’ sho’ you taken care of is all. You know soon I’m gonna be responsible for you. Guess I’m gettin’ some practice in.” His smile was dark. Even though to the naked eye it looked innocent, it wasn’t. I felt it. “So, is good ol’ Master gonna free you up for tonight?”

“What’s tonight?”

“Nady, Ester and Mammie Dee’s boy jumpin’ the broom tonight. Tell me you didn’t forget!”

“Course not. I’ll be there. I thought somethin’ else was goin’ on that I didn’t know ’bout.” Truth was, I had completely forgotten.

“Well, pretty soon we’ll be jumpin’ the broom too.”

“Jaydith, you don’t know when that’s gonna happen.”

“You act like you don’t want it to.”

“Did I say that?”

“No. You ain’t have to.”

“I’m just teasin’. Girls got to keep you guessin’ some kind of way.”

“You had me worried there for a minute.” As he said those words, he turned and looked me square in my eyes and added, “Because you, dear lady, have all of my attention.”

“Well, you should know Mama thinks otherwise.”

“Now she for sho’ knows ain’t nobody else for me ‘cept you.”

On purpose, I moved my body so that my back crossed him, puttin’ me in the direction to the main house. Seem like I was finally gonna make it back to my corner with the upper hand. “Oh, you know what she’s talkin’ ’bout. Word is, seem like everywhere you go, Elize ain’t far behind.”

I could see that he liked thinkin’ I was jealous. Stroke a man’s ego long enough and he’s sure to lose his footing. Mama was right—men are simple, slave or not.

“You better stop letting yo’ mama put them crazy thoughts in yo’ head. I ain’t thinkin’ ‘bout no Elize…she ain’t dark enough for me. The lighter they are, the closer to dem they are…not my kind.” He smiled.

“Yeah, well, you sho’ is her kind.” He let loose a sneaky laugh. I was winning. With every word and every look, I moved closer and closer to the main house, until soon we were right there at it.

“Well then, I guess you need to keep an eye on me,” he joked.

“What makes you think I don’t?” I joked back.

“Sometimes I ain’t sho’.” I tried to get into the house before he could see that his last words bothered me, but he caught me. “Hey, wait a minute. Don’t I get a kiss on the cheek?”

Just as he said that, Mattie turned the corner. He was headed to the barn, or so he let on. “Mornin’,” I said, relieved.

“Good morning, Nady…Jaydith…”

“Good mornin’, Sir.”

“Oh, Nady, I’m going to need you to come up a little early tonight.” I nodded, tryin’ not to look happy.

“Nady, the party,” Jaydith mumbled.

“Shhh, hush up, Jaydith.”

“Nady, is something the matter?”

“Everything’s just fine.” I smiled half-heartedly.

“Good. Jaydith,” Mattie said as he slowly walked passed him. “Father’s very proud of you, speaks of your victories non-stop.”

“Yes Sir.” His response was respectful but cold.

“We were just talking about getting you into some more fights. May mean more nights on the road, away from home.”

“I got it in me to spill more blood.” The way Jaydith said that, and the way he looked at Mattie, wasn’t good. It wasn’t good at all. But all and all, Mattie had bought us more time together, while at the same time putting distance between me and Jaydith.

“Good. Father will be happy to hear it. Nady, I will see you later on, then. You best get a move on. Mr. Caleb’s all ready to take you into town for your lesson.”

“On my way.” And just like that, Mattie turned the corner and he was gone. “Jaydith, what was that? Now you gone off and encouraged him to have you fightin’ more!”

“Now, that’s what I’ve been lookin’ for.”

“What?”

“Some sign you care. Ain’t nothin’ like seein’ the woman you love worryin’ ‘bout ya. Makes a man feel good.”

“Jaydith, I care. Always have, always will.” Just not like he wanted me to. My words caused a smile to find place on his face. “Jaydith, I have to go now. I’ll see you tonight, okay?”

“You promise?”

“I promise, Jaydith.” Lord knows I didn’t want to hurt him, so I was sweet. I owed him at least that.

“Whoo! There goes the finest woman in all of North Carolina. Be still my heart, be still!” he shouted.

“Jaydith, quit yelling! Have you done lost your mind?”

And just like that, the dance between us was over, for now. Somehow, we both left the ring in one piece, but if only I had looked back one more time, I would have seen how Jaydith had turned towards the direction Mattie went. His eyes stayed in that direction, fixed on nothin’, but somethin’. Oh yes, Jaydith wanted to spill blood alright, but it wasn’t slave blood he had a taste for. No, it wasn’t slave blood at all.