Chapter 8

Shut the Door

It wasn’t long after that, I made my way up to Mattie’s room. I sat on his bed for what seemed like hours before he opened the door. “Nady, you’re still here, good. Father needed me. This trip to Louisiana has him a bit on edge…he won’t admit it, but it does.” I said nothin’. “I suppose I don’t have to tell you…”

“No, you do. I wanna to hear you say it.”

“Nady, I tried. But this time Father was on Mother’s side. I couldn’t sway them.”

“For how long?”

“I’m not sure. Father said he would revisit it once we’ve returned. Nady, it’s for the best, at least for now.” He said it so easily as he sat in the chair unstringing his boots, as if my whole life hadn’t just changed.

“Just say it! You gave up! Say it like it is!”

“Nady, lower your voice. And I did not give up! My heavens, Nady, you’ve always been spoiled. You haven’t even once considered anything or anyone else, have you? Now, you will be able to sing at the Johnson affair, but after that, things are going to have to slow down. When Father and I return, he’ll revisit it.” I looked away. “Nady, have I ever given you reason to doubt me? Have I?”

“No,” I whispered.

“And I won’t start now. You’ve got to trust me.” Slowly he got up from his chair, both boots now removed, and walked over to clean his face. For some reason, the sounds of the night were so alive. His bare feet on the wooden floor stuck with me. Every step he made was like a drum beatin’ somethin’ into the ground. Then the sound of him unbuttonin’ his shirt, to the sound of the water drippin’ from his chin, as he washed his face over the basin. Everythin’ in that room made music, everythin’ and for the first time, I wanted it to stop.

“I’m sorry,” he said as he made his way to me.

“Nothing’s the same, is it? Everything’s changed,” I whispered.

“Do you regret it? Do you regret what we’ve become?” As I opened my mouth to say no, to lie to him, he put his fingers to my lips and said, “Shhh…” Maybe he didn’t want me to lie…or maybe he was scared that I had changed my mind and he didn’t want to hear the truth. Regardless, I let him. I let him silence me because I was weak to him. I needed him just as much as he needed me and so we yielded to each other…again.

Being with him was totally different that night. He touched every part of me, until he found what moved me. All throughout the night, my body begged for more of what he gave, almost like the very core of me knew he was leavin’, so we drowned ourselves with each other until our bodies tired and hearts rested.

How quickly the rest of that night went; seem to me like time was in a hurry for something or another. I sat up in the bed and tried to hide the tears that seemed to come from out of nowhere, but it was too late; he saw them. “Nady, what’s wrong?” he asked with tenderness.

“How long will you and your father be gone?”

He just sat there, wonderin’ if he should say what he was thinkin’, or lie to settle me. But honesty got the best of him. “Nady, you’ve heard talk about President Lincoln, right?”

“Yes. Your father was just talkin’ ’bout him with Mr. Thomas.”

“Nady, I’m going to tell you something, but you have to swear not to tell a soul, not even Clara. You swear?”

“What is it?”

“The Northerners’ quest to free the slaves is growing stronger every day. It’s just the beginning, the beginning of what may be a very long and bloody road.”

“War?”

“Yes. When it comes to it, I will have to fight. You do understand that, don’t you?”

“What? What will you fight for?”

“That’s not fair, Nady. Damnit, that’s not fair and you know it!”

“Fair! fair! You don’t get to talk to me ‘bout fair. When was the last time your mother picked cotton in the heat of the day? Was yo’ daddy hung from a tree cause he wanted freedom for his family?”

“Nady, you’re right, it’s not fair. But for God’s sake, you can’t blame me and my family for the sins of the world!”

“Just answer the question. What will you fight for, Mattie? Will you fight to keep me or free me?”

“Stop it!” Mattie’s anger had gotten the best of him. “Nady, I swear I just don’t know anymore. If I say what you want to hear, I’m wrong. All I know is I love you and I’ll do anything to keep you.”

“Mattie, ain’t love if you’re fightin’ to keep me in chains.” He couldn’t even finish what he was goin’ to say before I got up out of bed and started gettin’ dressed.

“Nady, don’t leave.” When he saw that his words didn’t stop me, he grabbed my arm and put his other hand on the door so that I couldn’t get out. “This was wrong. I’m sorry,” he whispered as he put his head into the middle of my back.

“Why? Why are you sorry?”

“Because I thought…I don’t know what I thought. I guess deep down, I knew what you’d say. If there’s one thing I can always count on, it’s you to say it like you mean it.”

“Mattie, you’re a good man, and your father’s a good man. But being good here at McCullen Plantation just ain’t good enough. You’ve got to be good out there too. You’ve got to be good out there.” More silence filled the room before I turned around to look him in his eyes. His hand was no longer keepin’ me from leavin’.

He made his way back to sit on the bed. “Nady, I don’t want to fight anymore, please, I just can’t.”

“Mattie, I don’t wanna fight you either, but if freedom comes to that door tomorrow, you’ve got to give me room.” I’m not sure if it was the weight of my words that finally hit him, but whatever it was, I knew it was enough for one night. I walked over, sat on the bed and put his head in my lap. For the first time that night, music left my lips. It was good. It was good for both of us to go back to what we knew; me singin’ him to sleep…lullabies…the songs of our life.

I woke just before morning, so that I could get back to the quarters without bein’ seen. “You alright, Nady?” he asked.

“As alright as I can be.” He was quiet for a minute, just kinda looked at me, like he knew how mixed up I felt. He didn’t try to put words to it, for he knew his efforts would be in vain. “Well, I’m going into town today, so I won’t be back until later on tonight, but I will light the candle for you.”

“More business?”

“Nothing else keeping me from you. I’ll see you tonight, alright?”

“Alright.”

When I got back to the quarters, I could hear Mama prayin’. “Oh God, You know all, and You see all, protect what my hands can’t, guide where my feet can’t, God speak…what I can’t.” Just then she stopped, never turning her head towards me, and said, “Well, come on in, child, no need you standin’ there at the door’.”

“Mama, I’m sorry, I…”

“Don’t be, Nady. It’s my own fault. Parading you ‘round here like you somethin’ special. I let my pride get the best of me. You are my pride, and this was seed sown. We all reap what we sow, all of us.” With her back still turned to me, she got up from the floor and went to the window. “Nady, I’m only gonna say dis one time, so you listen, take what you want and leave the rest. Child, my heart is aching, and I don’t know why, but it gots somethin’ to do with what’s going on between you and Mattie.”

“Mama, don’t…please.”

“Nady…listen.” She left no room for reason, so I said nothing. I sat in the chair next to the table and held my peace. “It’s been a long time since I’ve seen a man look after a woman like Mattie’s been lookin’ after you. Nady, baby, can’t nothin’ but trouble come from it, you hear me?”

Mama turned from the window and looked me dead in my eyes. “Hear me when I tell you what I know. Sometime love ain’t enough! Oh, it sounds really good, but in the end, it’s bound to cost you somethin’, mayhap somethin’ you ain’t willin’ to pay. Somethin’ just ain’t right with all dis. I can’t place it, God won’t show it to me, but I know what I know.” As tears ran from my eyes, I couldn’t hide it either. I knew what she was sayin’ was true; I just wasn’t ready to hear it.

“And cryin’ ain’t gonna fix it either. What you had, you had, so let it be. But shut the door to the rest, you hear me? Shut the door. I wish I could shut it for you, but I can’t. Ain’t my door, it’s yours. You either take the chance and let that demon in, or you bind him now, before he’s surefooted.” Mama began to wipe the tears from my face. “Sometimes, love is better left alone. Leave it alone, child.”

“But Mama, it won’t be like this always. We gonna be free soon. We just have to hold on a little while longer! Mattie said the Northers...”

She saw it in my eyes, and heard it in my voice. I wasn’t going to shut the door. I was goin’ to take the chance and wrestle with that demon, and there wasn’t anything she could say or do to stop me. “Well then…” she said. “I’m goin’ up to the main house. My work is done here.”

“Mama, wait, please, just listen to me!” But she never turned around. Slowly she walked away up to the main house and never looked back, but she didn’t have to. I could feel it…she had shut the door.

***

“Nady? Girl, you missed it last night. That ol’ Elize was all up on Jaydith like flies on a heap of hog’s shit!”

“Is that right,” I said, not even tryin’ to act like I cared.

“Nady, you done gone and lost yo’ mind? That Elize is after Jaydith and she ain’t lettin’ him up for air! All I’m sayin’ is you better watch her. She ain’t nothin’ but trouble, that one. Every time you gone off to one of them ol’ fancy parties, there go Elize all up in his face. The girl ain’t got no shame.”

I heard talkin’ but I wasn’t listenin’. She knew it too. Sometimes I think Adena just liked to hear herself. She was the kind of girl who really didn’t need an audience. But next to Mama and Mattie, she knew me best.

“Nady, you ain’t listenin’ to a word I’m sayin’! What’s wrong? You alright?”

“I’m fine, just don’t care too much ’bout Elize sniffing under Jaydith is all.”

“Since when?” Now her wheels were turnin’. “You know what? Now you say that, I noticed he ain’t been shouldering her off like he used to. You ask me, seem like he’s startin’ to like it.”

“Don’t matter.”

“That’s it? What’s goin’ on with you?”

“Looks like I’ll be around more, so I’ll get to see for myself.”

“What you mean?”

“Miss Elizabeth fired Madam LaPierre, so I won’t be goin’ off singin’ for a while. This Friday night will be my last trip.”

“Well, we both knew Miss Elizabeth been waitin’ for a chance to keep you in these gates. A miracle you got to do what you did. But it’s alright, Nady, she can’t take what she didn’t give.” I could tell somethin’ else was weighin’ on Adena; she always had a certain kind of look when somethin’ serious needed tendin’ to. “Nady, I gotta tell you somethin’…but not here.”

She took me round back, and at first said nothin’, before finally admitting, “Nady, I’m knocked up.”

“Master Joe?”

“It was bound to happen sooner or later. You know he don’t let me ‘lone since the Missus went back home. Shoot, even when she was here, it didn’t too much matter.”

“Adena…”

“Nady, you too soft on white folks. And while I can’t half blame you, you gotta keep yo’ eyes open, you hear me? They don’t care nothin’ ‘bout you. McCullen plantations ain’t the savin’ grace you think it is…just as ugly and evil as the rest of them plantations out there.” She could tell I didn’t want to hear it. “Nady, just ’cause you get to sing at all them parties, don’t think they look at you no different than the rest of us.”

“Adena, not all of them like that.” I could tell she wanted to say more, but she didn’t. She just turned away and started looking off into the sky…another door shut.

Just as we turned and were ’bout to make our way back to the main house, there came Master Joe. He scared me somethin’ terrible. That was one mean, nasty man. His was the kind of evil you tried to stay clear of. “How you girls doing?” he said in a low voice.

“Fine, Sir,” we both said at the same time.

“Well, Nady, you sho’ looking pretty today. What’s the occasion, you singing somewhere?”

“No Sir.” I tried to say it nice, but the thought of him made my skin crawl. Him and Master Mattie was real close in age, but Master Joe was nothin’ like Mattie or Master McCullen. Even though my head was bowed, I could still see him lickin’ his lips as he lightly touched Adena’s face. “Adena, won’t you go on up to the house? I’m sure they got something for you to do.”

“Yes Sir,” she said, shocked that he had sent her away. Adena’s eyes was scared for me, and rightfully so.

I tried to turn and go with her, but he stopped me. “Oh no, where you think you going, Miss Nady?” He jumped in front of me, so I couldn’t leave.

“Um, up to the house to help Adena.”

“Adena will be just fine. Now you come on back here. I heard you won’t be going off to your little fancy parties singing anymore. Why don’t you stay here and sing me a little something sweet?” He grabbed my hand and pulled me close to him. “How old are you now, Nady? You should be just ’bout right for a little teaching of another kind of lesson.” His breath was hot and his hands strong around my waist. I kept lookin’ down at the ground, tryin’ my best not to give him way to kiss me. But that didn’t matter; he just started touchin’ my neck with his fingers real slow-like. “My cousin’s been keeping you all to himself. Gotta give him a lesson on sharing.”

Just then I heard Mattie yell, “Joe! What in the hell are you doing?”

“Oh, look who’s here. When did you get back? Thought you were in town this morning.”

“I was. Now I’m back. Like I said, what are you doing, Joe?”

“Oh nothing, just having a little talk here with Nady, telling her how pretty she looks in her new dress. That’s new, ain’t it, darling?”

“Yes Sir.”

“Nady, go on and get to your chores. I’m sure Clara’s looking for you.”

I don’t think I’d had ever been so happy to see Mattie. I took off to that main house, but not without lookin’ back, where I saw him yelling. “Joe, don’t you ever touch her! Do you hear me? Never!”

“Ah come on, cousin, don’t be like that. I know that nigga girl gotta be sweet as apple pie. I know you’s an only child and all, never really learned how to share.”

I had just made it to the house when, from the porch, I saw Mattie grab Joe by the neck and throw him to the ground. “Like I said, you bet not ever touch her, or I’ll kill you dead myself!” He looked up and saw me watchin’. “Nady, Adena, get in the house!”

“Mattie, Joe, what’s going on out here?” It was Master McCullen. Thank God he got there when he did, ’cause Mattie was gonna kill Joe for sure!

“Nothing, father.”

“I’m no fool. What’s gotten into you boys?”

“Nothing, uncle, just a difference of opinion on…apple pie!” Master Joe just walked off, laughing to himself, as he wiped the blood off his lip.

Master McCullen and Mattie just stood there. “Mattie, what in the hell is going on?”

“How long is he going to be here? Surely he’s outstayed his welcome.”

“Son, what is it now?” Master yelled.

“Let it lone. Just let it lone.” Mattie watched Joe walk away until Joe was out of sight, then he turned around and headed for the main house.

Later on, while in the kitchen with Adena, I couldn’t figure what to say, so I said, “Thank you…I know it was you that went and got Mattie.”

“Like I said, Nady, don’t take yo’ eye off any one of them, not for one second.”