Chapter 21

Never Easy

The ride back home was full of a very loud kind of silence—you know, the kind that makes you nervous. He was so mad, and I was so curious. Maybe Madam had gone ‘bout things the wrong way; maybe she should have gone straight to Master and left Mattie out of it altogether. What if it was all ruined now? The questions in my head were so deafening, until I finally had to say them out loud. “Mattie, why are you doing this? Why are you fighting Madam on this? Singing at the Baxter dinner is a once in a lifetime chance, especially for me. Why won’t you let me have this?”

“Oh, now you want to talk to me. Now that there’s something you want.”

“It’s not your decision to make, it’s your father’s. He knows how important this is to me, why don’t you? Especially you?”

Straightway, he stopped the carriage, jumped out and tied the horses to the nearest tree, seemingly all in one motion. I watched him. I watched the anger and confusion drip out of his skin like oil. “Mattie, what do you want me to do?”

I waited for his reaction. I didn’t get one. As I got down from the carriage I caught him turning around just enough to make sure I got down ok. When I did, he turned his back to me again. I stood there a minute longer, watchin’ him, wonderin’, prayin’ that I was doin’ the right thing. “What’s happened to us, Nady?” he finally said. “Where is all this going?”

“I wish I knew.” Now I was standin’ right beside him, both of us lookin’ up, beyond the skyline.

“For the life of me, I can’t figure who I’m supposed to be fighting now. Why won’t you give me reason?” he asked.

“I can’t be reason for you, that’s just the way it is. I’ve got one thing, one thing that makes me free whether there’s war or not, and that’s my song. My freedom is trapped in my skin. Not much I can do ‘bout that. But what I can do…give it to me…please.” With my hands, I gently took him by the face. “Please.” Oh, how I remember lookin’ into his eyes that evenin’. They said so much. They were still full of love and questions. But like me, he was stubborn, so he fought.

He pulled back from me. “We’d best be getting back. It’ll be dark soon.” He helped me get back into the carriage and off we went, neither one of us sayin’ another word for the rest of the ride home.

Once we had gotten back, I went to wash up for supper. As I was puttin’ my apron on, Mammie Dee came behind me and tied it. “Lord, child, thank goodness you back. That man out there ‘bout to drive me out what good mind I got left.”

“Man? What man?”

“Burns. Been here all day, act like he don’t wanna leave. Somethin’ ain’t right ‘bout him, and for some reason, I ain’t sho’ why, but Master done taken a likin’ to him. Anyway, here, go on and take this bread out there.” Lord knows I didn’t want to be out there either, but as it was, nobody questioned Mammie Dee, nobody.

As I walked out, first eyes I saw were Miss Elizabeth’s and she was steaming mad. She didn’t like that I had been away with Mattie all day, but little did she know I had no hand in that, that it was all his doin’. As I moved around to put bread on the table, Master stopped laughing with Mr. Burns long enough to say, “Ahh, yes, here’s our Nady,” almost like he had been waiting for me.

“So, this is Nady. I’ve heard so much ’bout you. Why, your name is on the lips of everyone in town. The beautiful slave that sings in Italian and French, they say! I’m dying to experience this for myself,” he said with a dark smile.

My skin crawled with every word that came out of his mouth. Even at first glance, he was the kind of man you knew to stay clear of. “Thank you, Sir,” I said as I nodded and put the bread on the table.

“Oh yes, we’re quite proud of Nady. She truly has a gift,” Master said, full of joy. I can’t tell you how much I wanted out of there, but thank goodness I hadn’t left, or else I wouldn’t have caught how Mr. Burns looked at Miss Elizabeth, a look that she liked, a look that Master missed.

As soon as dinner was over, I went around back to get some air. Could it be, or was I just making it up in my head? Could the man in the house who was laughing and carrying on with Master McCullen be the same man that had been carrying on with Miss Elizabeth? It had to be him; everything inside of me said it was. How could he? How could she? What was she thinking, bringing that man into Master’s house? I had to find Adena and see if I was right.

Just as I turned to go back into the kitchen, I heard voices in the hallway. I stopped so no one would see me. It was Miss Elizabeth and Mr. Burns. “Finally, I get you to myself,” he whispered in her ear.

“You take your hands off of me right this second,” she said as she pushed his hands away from her face.

Mr. Burns had Miss Elizabeth pinned up against the wall. “Now don’t be that way. Come on, I know you better than that.”

“Oh, you think so?”

“I know so,” he whispered.

“We’re over. Matthew knows all about you. I have nothing to hide anymore.”

“Oh, he may know what happened, but he does not know that the man he’s invited into his home is the same man that’s been sleeping with his wife while he’s been away.” He kissed her neck. “Now, let’s stop playing these games, shall we? I’ve missed you.”

“Well, I haven’t missed you,” she said as she leaned away from his kiss.

“I don’t believe you,” he whispered as he made his way from her neck to her lips. “Oh, stop teasing me, why don’t you? This entire evening has been nothing but you teasing me.” She moaned. “That’s it. Aww, yes, so you have missed me,” he said before kissing her. And just then, he put his hand up Miss Elizabeth’s dress and gave her what she craved. She acted like a crazed woman. Thankfully, there was no time for them to do all that they wanted, but they did enough. Miss Elizabeth was too smart to take the chance of gettin’ caught, but it was too late; I had seen all I needed to see.

“You think you’ve got me over a barrel, don’t you?” she said as she pushed him away.

He laughed. “I don’t know why you make me go to these extremes. He doesn’t deserve you.”

“You don’t know us.”

“I know all I need to know. I know he’s not the man for you. He’s weak, and has a taste for…well, let’s just say everything you’re not. He’ll never love you like I can.”

She slapped him. “How dare you!”

Mr. Burns smiled as he put his hand over his face, rubbing where she had slapped him.

Then there was a pause. He pushed her back against the wall, and she gave in again, kissing him as if she couldn’t stop herself. “That’s it,” he whispered. “We’re so much better when you don’t fight.”

“I hate you!” she said, tryin’ to convince herself as he kissed her neck, losing himself to her. Right off, I could tell Mr. Burns was exactly what she wanted; indeed, the kind of man that matched her. He had a commanding way ’bout him. He was a striking man, handsome even. You know, the kind of man that made most men question their stand. That was him, as dangerous as they come. Why, with his money, good looks, and disrespect for decency, it was clear that Miss Elizabeth had found her soulmate, even if she wasn’t willing to admit it.

Before leavin’, he took his handkerchief out of his pocket, wiped her lipstick from his mouth and said, “Well, we mustn’t keep the love of your life waiting. Surely he’s started to notice our absence. But make no mistake, either you find a way to come back to me soon, or else I’ll keep finding reasons to come back to this sad, pathetic place you call home. And I will come back…over and over again,” he whispered in her ear.

“Nady!” Master yelled from the dining room. It was then that I decided to make my presence known to Miss Elizabeth and Mr. Burns. I could have snuck out from the other side of the kitchen, but somethin’ inside of me rose up. I knew this was my chance and I had to stand in it, so I did. With unbroken breath, I came from around the corner and looked Miss Elizabeth dead in her eyes. I gave no attention to Mr. Burns, but instead focused everything I had on her. Just then, Master McCullen called again, but this time not just for me, “Nady? Elizabeth? Where is everyone?”

As I made my way past her, I whispered, “Miss Elizabeth, might wanna fix your hair, it’s a bit out of place.”

“Well, would you look at that? Now who’s got whom over the barrel?” Mr. Burns said as he kissed Miss Elizabeth on her cheek, laughing as he followed right behind me.

I don’t know why, but I remember breath rushin’ right through me, almost like my soul was in a hurry for somethin’. I calmed myself. Didn’t want Master thinkin’ nothing outside of the way. I needed the upper hand I had on Miss Elizabeth…had to play it all just right. “Master, you called for me?”

“Ah, yes, Nady. Where have you been? Where is everyone, for that matter?”

“Oh, here we are, dear. Mr. Burns wanted to have a look at our quarters. He’s fascinated at our way of life here. It’s quite different than what he’s accustomed to. Shame on you for not taking him around,” Miss Elizabeth said as she rushed past me and Mr. Burns.

“Yes, Mr. McCullen. My family, well, we have servants, yes, but nothing like what you have here.”

“Aww, you mean slaves…go ahead, you can say it. I can imagine our way of life can take some gettin’ used to, but I like to think that I don’t just have slaves…they’re my family. This has been our way for three generations. Do I question it? …Why, yes I do. But I’ve done better than my father and his father. Regardless, in some way we all fall short,” he said, lookin’ at me.

“You are unlike any plantation owner I’ve ever met, that’s for sure. You do realize that if the Northerners get their way, all of your family will walk right off this land. What will you do then?” The air in the room had shifted. Mr. Burns was testing Master.

“Mr. Burns, you make some valid points, some of which I have indeed considered. I’d be a fool not to. Lucky for me, my fortune does not solely depend on who stays and who goes.”

“Well…fortunately or unfortunately, we may very well get the chance to see,” Mr. Burns responded. Everyone could feel the mood change. It was thick as midnight.

“Gentlemen, this evening is quickly coming to an end,” Miss Elizabeth said in her best lady-like voice. “Surely we can leave it on a better note.”

While Master saw that Mr. Burns indeed wanted to dig at him a little more, he also knew when it was time to return to his corner. This was not a war that would be won in a single evenin’, and so he agreed with his wife. “You know, she’s right. It’s been such a lovely evening, no need to ruin it all with business. Let’s leave that for another day, shall we?” He reached for a cigar, lit it and took a few short puffs, as he released it slowly.

“Matthew, I agree. Perhaps I can persuade you to consider meeting with me tomorrow. A few local businessmen will be gathering in town to discuss strategies and such. Can I count on your attendance?”

“Mr. Burns, nothing happens in this town without me knowing about it. I will see you there. We always look forward to entertaining visitors to our little town. We are Southerners…and some of us gentleman.” Master laughed darkly, his eyes toying with the smoke from his cigar as if no one else were in the room.

Mr. Burns knew it was time for him to go. While everything in him wanted to stay and see how far he could push Master McCullen, he also enjoyed the game and didn’t want to rush it. “Then I’ll see you tomorrow. I so appreciate you and your lovely wife’s hospitality this evening. I have thoroughly enjoyed myself. Miss Victoria, congratulations again. I hope you and Mattie will be very happy together,” he said as he made his way to the door.

Miss Victoria smiled politely, yielding to Mattie, who was standing right beside her with questions written all over his face. “Mr. Burns,” he said.

As you can imagine, there were plenty of words left unspoken between Master and Miss Elizabeth, Mattie and Miss Victoria, and it all was working in my favor. “I’m tired,” Master said, as he took down the last of his scotch and headed up stairs. “Good night,” he said in a dark voice, lookin’ in the direction of the front door, the door Mr. Burns had just used to leave their home. It seemed like Master was all but lookin’ right through it, down the road that carried Mr. Burns along his way, wondering. Ooh yes, Master had wonder in his eyes and on his mind.

That night everyone went to bed right away. Master made his way back to the guest bedroom, a bedroom he hadn’t slept in in the past couple of weeks. “Matthew, where are you going?” she whispered as tenderly as a woman like her could.

“It’s been a long night. I’m going to bed,” he said with his back to her.

***

I had just put my apron on and had started to wash the dishes when Miss Elizabeth came into the kitchen. At first, she walked over to the cabinet, saying nothin’, until finally she made her way to where she was standin’ right next to me. She was scared, I could feel it. Not only was Master sleepin’ in the guest room, but she still had me to reckon with. What would I say? What would I do, she wondered?

“You do know he’ll never leave me, don’t you? He may be angry for now, but that will pass, just like it always does. We are destiny. Nothing or no one can do anything about that, especially not the likes of you.”

At first, I said nothin’. I kept right on washin’ the dishes until I felt you move, deep in my belly. It was at that very moment I realized, Miss Elizabeth and Mr. Burns were my ram in the bush, my gift. And so I began to hum, unmoved by her presence or her words. I was unafraid.

“What do you want?” she finally asked.

Still I said nothin’, just continued to hum as I washed the dishes, but soon rage began to rise up within me as I started rememberin’ the night I was raped. It was as if I could feel my dress bein’ ripped off my body all over again. The closer she stood to me, the more I remembered. I was right back there, watchin’ him throw me to the ground and cover my mouth with his muddy, hard hands. Rememberin’ the smile on her face as he raped me. Before I knew it, I had stopped washin’ the dishes. I turned round real slow-like towards Miss Elizabeth, looked her dead in her eyes and said, “You know, Miss Elizabeth, Mama once told me that one day, I’d have to pray for better for my child.”

She was confused. Where was I goin’ with this? “Yes, Nady, that’s true. Every mother wants the best for her child.”

“Well, my time has come. I too am that mother. Regardless of how this child came to be, it’s mine, and I want better.”

“Well, I think we both can agree that you, unlike most, have had it pretty good…” she said underneath controlled breath.

“It took a mighty long time for God to bless you with a child of your own, didn’t it, Miss Elizabeth? Or maybe it had nothing at all to do with you? Perhaps Mattie is Master’s blessing. Only God could use a womb as dark as yours to bring forth life, only God.” I dried my hands on my apron, walked past her and looked out of the window. I could feel her fear. For the first time, I stood in a place of power, and I was using it.

“Nady, don’t be foolish. We both know you have more to lose than I do.” In a way she was right. Where was the ending of this woman’s evil? What would she do to Mama or my child if it was Mattie’s? Would my child ever be safe in a land where Miss Elizabeth lived and had law on her side?

But then you kicked again…now deep in my ribs…so I pushed on. “You don’t deserve Master. Now, Mr. Burns on the other hand, that’s a man made just for you.” No matter how she tried, she couldn’t find anything to say, so she walked over and slapped me, but even that didn’t shake me. I smiled. “You want my silence? It’s gonna cost you.”

“What do you want?” she muttered.

“You’re goin’ to get Master to let me go stay at Madam LaPierre’s and start my lessons back, before I have this baby.”

“Is that what this is about? You singing again? Really?” she mocked. I didn’t say anything. I just looked at her, unmoved. “If that’s what you want, fine. I could do without seeing your face for a while, but you let that be the end of it.”

“It won’t be as easy as you think,” I said.

She turned her back to leave the kitchen; but before she left, she paused in her steps and said, “You of all people should know a woman’s work is never easy, but that’s why God left it to a woman.” And then she walked away.