Chapter 23

Rehersed Smiles

Later on that day, Miss Elizabeth called for me. I went into the sittin’ room to find her and Miss Victoria laughin’ and drinking tea. They were plannin’ the wedding. “Oh yes, Nady. I’ve got some wonderful news. I received word from Madam LaPierre about the engagement you’ve been asked to sing at. And, well, Mr. McCullen and I feel it best if you spend as much time as you can preparing for it. So first thing tomorrow, Caleb will take you to Madam’s, where you’ll stay until after your performance. We don’t want you traveling every day and night. Times aren’t like they used to be; danger is lurking here and there. Why, I wouldn’t want anything to happen to you,” she said, secretly enjoying the fact that she watched danger rape me and enjoyed every minute of it, words she could never speak out loud, but a memory she could enjoy whenever she wanted.

“Thank you, Miss Elizabeth,” I replied, me now secretly enjoying the fact if I were carrying her grandchild, she’d never know it. My child would be safe from her, forever.

“Oh, Nady, dear, you should know that I’ve sent word to Madam. I want her to teach you a new piece.”

“A new piece?”

“Why yes, for Mattie and Miss Victoria’s wedding, of course.”

“Mattie will be so pleased! It’ll be a surprise,” Miss Victoria said as she smiled, but it wasn’t the same smile I had seen before. This one was rehearsed. She was curious of me, curious of Mattie, and dare I say, curious of Miss Elizabeth. Perhaps Miss Elizabeth had mistaken Miss Victoria’s sincere humility and kindness for weakness, an error in judgement easily made when vanity leads the way.

“Oh, don’t mention it, dear. It’s my pleasure. You know, Nady has sang my son to sleep just about every night of his life, so you should get used to hearing her voice, as she’ll be singing the both of you to sleep once you’re married.” Now it was my turn, so I gave my best rehearsed smile.

Miss Elizabeth must have realized that she was pushin’ a little too hard, so she tried to lighten the load she had just dropped on Miss Victoria. “Well, she won’t sing for you two every night. Surely the two of you won’t need to be inspired in all things,” she laughed. But I could see it; Miss Victoria was no longer blind to Miss Elizabeth’s ways. Though she hadn’t put all the pieces together just yet, she was beginnin’ to sense that everything wasn’t as it appeared.

Soon after that, I made way to my cabin, pulled out one of my bags and started packin’. “Seem like to me you can’t wait to get away from here,” Jaydith whispered.

With my back turned to him, steadily filling my bag I said, “Do I want to sing again, if that’s what you’re gettin’ at, then the answer is yes. Singin’ has a hold on me, just like fighting has a hold on you.” I kept packin’.

“I don’t know what it is, but there’s somethin’ you ain’t sayin’.”

“You’re wrong.” My tone was strong.

“You just remember, you’re mine now. I don’t care where you are.”

I grabbed my bag and walked past him. Before I opened the door, I paused. “I suppose Master will have somethin’ to say ‘bout that. When you’ve paid for me and own me outright, you let me know,” I said as I left for Mama’s cabin.

The next mornin’s air was cool and sweet. It was no surprise that Mama had already been up and had made and packed some hot sweetbread and fruit for me. She never asked how I got Master and Miss Elizabeth to let me stay with Madam LaPierre. She had learned to back down. She felt me tryin’ to find my own way, and so she let me be.

“I’m gonna be alright, Mama. There’s nothin’ for you to worry ‘bout. The baby’s not due for some time now. Madam has people there who will help me. And if need be, she’ll send for you.”

There it was again, now her rehearsed smile. “Oh, I’m not worried. Just going to miss you is all. You’re ready for whatever’s waitin’, of that I’m sho’.” She kissed my cheek and pulled me close. She smelled of sweetbread. I laid my head on her chest for a just a while and rested. For a spell, I felt like a little girl again, wrapped in the arms of the woman who loved me most. She was a mother holding her daughter, and I was a mother holding my mother. That was an embrace I had never known before.

I could have stayed there forever, but my time had come. There was a knock at the door. I was sure it was Mr. Caleb coming for me. “I’m comin’, Mr. Caleb.”

“Well, I’ll make sure ol’ Caleb gets the message when I get back.” It was Mattie.

“What are you doin’ here?”

“It seems you need a ride to Madam LaPierre’s.”

I turned and looked at Mama, wishing she would do or say something, but she didn’t. She leaned over, picked up my lunch bag and walked it to the carriage. “Well, you best be on yo’ way. No need in putting it off any longer.”

By that time, Miss Elizabeth had made her way to the front porch, Master lingering near. “I’ve chosen to allow this, against my better judgment,” he whispered into my ear. “I’m doing this for you. You’ve been through enough. If this is what brings you a little happiness, I won’t deny you.”

Though Master and Mama had made peace with letting me go, everyone could tell Mattie was far from happy ‘bout it, but thankfully he couldn’t make too much of a fuss, for it would cause Miss Victoria concern. I could see her staring outside the window as she stood inside the house, lookin’ down with eyes full of questions, but hidden ever so perfectly behind laced curtains. I watched her look at Miss Elizabeth and Master, then at Mattie, and finally at me. Yes indeed, seems Mattie was right, you can catch the spirit of McCullen like a common cold, and Miss Victoria was starting to show signs.

“We should be on our way,” Mattie said as Mama hugged me one last time. “Mother, Father,” he said before pulling off, not forgettin’ to look up at Miss Victoria who was still standing in the window. He tipped his hat and with longing eyes smiled…and then we were on our way. Second by second, minute by minute, I could barely see anyone anymore, until finally they were all gone.

We had been riding for a while before either of us said one word, and as history would have it, I couldn’t hold my tongue. “I should’ve known you would pull somethin’ like this.”

“Yes, you should have,” he said, lookin’ straight ahead. Tryin’ not to give in to me, he went quiet again.

He knew his silence was tearin’ me apart, until finally I couldn’t take it anymore. “Why are you here? What game are you playin’?”

“Oh, the game is over, you’ve won. No need in me being a spoiled sport about it all.” I could tell my plan had worked. I had pushed him away. But maybe, just maybe, I had pushed too hard. But I didn’t have to wonder for long; his next words settled my questions. “You know, I’m happy you’re doing this. Father and I both know how important your music is to you. You need it. I get that now.”

He was settin’ me up for somethin’. “Bein’ able to sing is like life to me.”

“I know, I’ve always known that,” he said before callin’ out to the horses to move them along a little faster. “I suppose you should know that I’ll be leaving for Asheville here in just a bit.”

“More meetings?”

“Not exactly. Nady, I’ve joined the regime.”

“Mattie, no! Why are you doing this?”

“I can’t just sit by and stay safely tucked away, only working in the planning of things. I have to fight.”

“Fight for what?” He went silent again. “For what, Mattie? To keep us slaves?”

“This, this war is not about your freedom! Freedom is the last thing on Lincoln’s mind! It’s about money, Nady, it’s all about money!”

“Well, you say it’s ‘bout money, and I say I don’t care if it gives us freedom.”

The rest of the ride was quiet, and thankfully it wasn’t long before we made our way to Madam’s. He unpacked my bags and said goodbye. Oh, how I wanted to reach for him, run after him even, but I couldn’t. Instead, I had to stand strong and watch the man that I had loved all of my life ride away. I touched my belly, raised my head to heaven, and watched him become nothing but dust that danced underneath the horse’s feet as I prayed to God to keep him safe.