Chapter 24

Hellos and Goodbyes

A couple of weeks had passed since I had been at Madam’s; and without surprise, from sunup to just ‘bout sundown, all I did was practice. “No, no, no. Concentrate, Nady, you’ve got to concentrate! We’ve gone over this—you must hear the dissonance in the chord. You’ve got to open your ear, dear, and listen, hear it…feel it, le rentier!”

“Madam, I am listenin’.”

“With what ear, dear?”

“What do you mean? Both of them.”

“Oh, how quickly we forget. It’s the ear that belongs to the heart I am referring to.” Madam LaPierre walked over to me and put her hands over my chest. “Nady, I know you’ve got a lot going on up there in that beautiful mind of yours…but dear, you’ve been given a gift. You simply cannot let the worries of this world keep you from using it. You’ve got to get back to where you can hear with your heart. These ears are fine; it’s this one that matters most,” she said as she put her hands over my heart. “Desperation! This song is about a woman, lost. Speak for her, Nady. Sing for her,” she whispered with passion.

Tears began to run down my face, for that song had become my life. In some ways I was stronger than I had ever been, but there were days when I was still very weary. You see, I was learnin’ that life was for the weak just as it was for the strong, but only the warrior would win…and I had to win. Havin’ to wrestle against flesh in order to survive is one thing, but to fight against the heart, against what the soul craves, well, that’s a whole ‘nother battle that only mankind has the duty to endure.

When it came to Mattie, it’s fair to say I never knew what my heart would feel one day to the next. Perhaps that’s why Madam chose that song; she knew the desperate place I was in. It’s just like a teacher to put you right in the middle of the battle to remind you of who you are. Eventually, I found my singin’ voice again. With every line and modulation, my voice strengthened, my breath found its footing, and my words and feelings became one. I was no longer just singin’ the notes, but I was hearin’ and makin’ music again, and oh how sweet it was, sweet indeed.

One afternoon after our midday practice, Madam cut our lesson short. There was somethin’ on her mind, I could tell. “Nady, it is time for us to talk.” She got up from the piano and walked over to the window, lookin’ out as if lookin’ for someone. “Nady, the time has come where there are some things we must discuss. It looks like we are going to have to prepare for your little one much faster than I anticipated. You, my love, are coming along very quickly. I’ve found a midwife. She’s good. She will be loyal to me. She will deliver your baby when the time comes. Once the child is born and we know for certain whether Mattie is the father or not, we’ll know which path is yours. There’s a young negro girl I know of, and the both of you are due around the same time. Nady, she has agreed. If need be, her child will become your child.” My eyes were filled with questions and fear. “I’ve made arrangements. She’ll be a free woman and you will have a child to pass off as yours. Dear, telling Matthew the child died just won’t do. This is the only way.”

“Oh Madam, I’m scared. What if somethin’ goes wrong? What is someone finds out?”

“Dear, no one is going to find out. Nothing is going to go wrong. Even if the woman’s child is not needed, I’ve paid for her silence. She and her child will still be free. If the baby is Mattie’s, it will stay here with me and Miss Lorraine until I can go north. Once Lorraine and the child are situated, I will come back for you. With any hope, by then the North will have won and you will be free.”

We were both silent. Sayin’ it out loud made it real. Madam turned to me and bid me a dim smile. I was scared, and for the first time I could see that she was too. So much depended on who you were. I almost wondered if even God had decided yet. Was there anything I could do? Was there any prayer I could pray to make you Mattie’s, or had it all been decided before time who you would be?

While plans were being made at Madam’s, life was movin’ on at McCullen. Miss Elizabeth made sure I found out that Mattie and Miss Victoria had indeed married. She sent word that my song for their wedding was no longer needed. Instead of some big ol’ grand affair, they said their ‘I do’s underneath a tree at McCullen plantation. Mama said Miss Victoria’s parents were there. Said they were as distant from Miss Victoria as could be. It was no wonder why Mattie and Victoria took to each other; seem like they had more in common then we knew…both were children of strange love.

Since I had been away from home, I had only performed at a few small events, the Baxter dinner being one of them. Madam LaPierre made no secret that although I was havin’ a baby, she expected nothing but the best out of me when it came to me singing, so she made a point to put me in front of people. “Your gift means nothing if kept to yourself,” she’d say. Plus, she knew we needed to keep up appearances for the sake of Master’s ever watchful eye. Though he didn’t attend every recital, he was at most of them, makin’ sure I was okay, I suppose. It did my heart good to see him. He always bought me fresh sweetbread that Mama had made for me, and every now and then managed to bring Mama with it. It was good to see her and good for her to see me. I was her glory; I could tell every time I opened my mouth. If her pride for me was a sin, it was the only one God could ever count as hers. She loved me, sometimes I think more than she should.

One night that comes to mind reminded me that there was still a war goin’ on around us. We had traveled to Tennessee, Shiloh. We later learned of all the death…my God in heaven, the death. The evening had started out like all the others. I came out, stood by the piano and waited for Madam to start playin’. It wasn’t long into the song when Confederate soldiers came bustin’ through the front door and made everybody leave. There was all kinds of yellin’ and pushin’ going on. It was somethin’ horrible, nothin’ like anything I’d ever seen. We got out safe and sound, but that was the last time I sang for a while. It’s a good thing, too, ‘cause my nights got worse and worse. My back pained me somethin’ awful.

Early one mornin’, I remember making my way to the dining area. It seems Madam was having an early morning too. “Couldn’t sleep either?” she asked as she sipped her morning tea.

“No, Ma’am. This baby must surely be coming soon. I can’t sit, I can’t sleep, I can’t do nothing without feeling it deep in my back. I want Mama so bad. Are you sure we can’t send for her?”

Madam shook her head no. “It’s too dangerous now. Nady, the war is practically on our doorstep. No, we’ll both stay put.”

“It’s so much harder than I thought. But I know you’re right, it’s not safe…for any of us.”

She got up and came to sit beside me. “Nady, you can do this. I have no doubt in my mind. Oh, my dear one, life is making its way from spirit to land, it’s stretching you. Clara is depending on me to keep you safe; and make no mistake about it, that I will do.” Madam was strong. Like Mama, she was able to deal with the right now in spite of right now. Mama and Madam, they were very different women; but somehow, they were keepers of the same spirit, strength.

***

Meanwhile, back at McCullen plantation, I learned later that Miss Elizabeth and Master were havin’ an interestin’ conversation ‘round this same time.

“I can’t believe our son is a married man. I just can’t believe it, Matthew.”

“Neither can I.”

“I must say, I wasn’t thrilled with the idea of a small ceremony.”

“I know, Elizabeth, but they were adamant.”

“At least Victoria’s parents were able to attend. What do you make of them?”

“What do you mean? They seemed fine to me.”

“You and I both know better. If nothing else, we know when a couple is putting on a performance. Thankfully we’re much better actors then they are,” Miss Elizabeth said as she left Master in the sitting room. Though her words beckoned for a reaction, she wouldn’t get one, not yet. You see, Master still hadn’t returned to their bed. Things between them were off again. Of course, I knew why, and Miss Elizabeth knew why, but what she couldn’t figure was why Master wasn’t saying anything. Why wasn’t he asking her any questions? Surely he knew that it was Mr. Jeffery Burns she’d been carrying on with; that had to be the cause for his actions, but for whatever reason, he hadn’t voiced his suspicions.

Perhaps Mr. Burns comin’ to their home and her not sayin’ one word to Master ‘bout who he was set somethin’ in motion, a plan Master was workin’ on day by day, bit by bit. But what did she expect? Lettin’ that man sit at Master’s table, drink his wine and fill his belly with his food was more than any man could take. All I know was she managed to do it. She managed to push him away again, and I didn’t have to say one word. But I suppose there are still two sides to every coin. It would be unfair to ignore the whispers, the tales of Master’s secrets that haunted Miss Elizabeth. Knowin’ your husband preferred another woman is almost more than any wife should have to bear, but add to that fact that she was a slave, and you’ve got a tortured wife for life.

Oh yes, talk was that Master had found Yris and their children. Maybe it was true, maybe not, could be just tales, but it made sense…all them meetings he went to in Louisiana. Some that were only supposed to last a week ended up lastin’ a month, sometimes two. We all watched it drive Miss Elizabeth mad. Maybe that’s why she felt no shame carryin’ on with Mr. Burns the way she did. But things were different now. Master had put a face to the man who was sleepin’ with his wife, and he didn’t like it. No man likes the thought of his wife with another man, especially not one as proud as Mr. Burns.

Now, during that time, Lida had become Mama’s shadow, and boy was I thankful for that. With Adena having her baby, it was good to know that Mama had some help. Everywhere Mama went, Lida wasn’t far behind. Once I came back, Adena told me everythin’ she saw and heard while I was away. If I’m honest, there were times when I was jealous that Lida and Mama had gotten as close as they did. But for the most part, I was thankful. Thankful that Mama had someone there I could trust.

Now, Lida was shy, but it wasn’t until I learned her story that it all made sense to me, because from looking at her, she just didn’t seem like she was meant to be shy or quiet. Lida’s hips were big and wide, and her eyes were as bold as they were brown. Seem like they could see what everybody else’s couldn’t. But for some reason, Mama was the only one who could get more than two words out of her, at least at first.

Story goes, Lida used to be the life of the party. Long before she was brought to McCullen, she belonged to a Master out of Pickett’s Mill, Georgia. Word was Lida’s spirit used to be as big as she was. If ever you needed to smile or laugh—and Lord knows, everybody needed that—Lida had a way of bringin’ it out of ya.

Her husband’s name was Abram, and he was crazy ‘bout his Lida. Loved her to pieces is what I’m told. He used to call her “the softest love on this side of heaven.” I couldn’t imagine it, knowing Lida like I did, but Lord knows I can understand how everythin’ can change in just one night. Nobody knows for sure, but they say Abram and another slave ran, tried to make their way north. Lida’s Master thought she was coverin’ for him, so he had her beat ‘til she was just ‘bout dead. Then for fun, he made her drink whiskey ‘til she passed out, and then he had her beat some more. He wanted her to give up Abram, but she never said one word. That night, her Master made everyone start to call her Whiskey, said that’s what she smelled like. As time went on, she was sold a few times over, and the name Whiskey soon became Wixie. On account of Lida choosing to hold her tongue, she never corrected anybody. Now, of course it took some time. When she came to McCullen, we all called her Wixie that is, until she finally spoke. “Lida’s my given name. Don’t call me Wixie, that ain’t my name,” she said in a voice much stronger than it shoulda been after being silent for so long.

Mama could tell right off that there was more to the story, but she didn’t press. As a matter of fact, she made it seem as if it wasn’t a big deal at all. “Lida…I like that much betta,” Mama said as she went right back to cleanin’ and hummin’. Lida took note. She smiled at Mama, and even though Mama’s back was to her, she felt it. And that’s how Lida became Mama’s shadow.

Every day, Mama taught Lida her way. Wherever Mama was, Lida wasn’t far behind. So, it comes as no surprise that when Mama fell over in the kitchen, Lida was right there. After that day, Mama was never the same.

“What on earth is going on in there? Somebody answer me…oh, Clara! What’s happened?” Master yelled as he ran into the kitchen, finding Mama on the floor. She was having a stroke right there before his eyes. Of course, Lida didn’t speak a word to him. She just looked up at Master with strong eyes as she held Mama’s head, tryin’ to keep her from hurtin’ herself. When the spell was over, Jaydith came to carry Mama back to her cabin. Master sent for the town’s doctor. He only told Master what they already knew; Mama had indeed had a stroke. From that day on, Mama lost feelin’ on her left side and much of her way of talkin’. They say the first time Mama opened her eyes, it was Lida she saw. From then on, Lida became Mama’s voice. Lida cared for Mama night and day. Of course they all kept it from me, at the time, I knew nothing. After all was said and done, it all made sense. I didn’t like it, but in due time, it made sense.

***

“Nady, here, you lie down. Miss Lorraine will be coming back very soon. She should be here any minute now.”

“Oh, oh, oh!” I screamed. “Madam, I can’t take it. The pain comes and goes and then it comes back again!”

“Dear, that’s what happens when you’re about to have a baby. I must say, I’m surprised. Miss Lorraine said it wasn’t time yet, that you still had at least a month to go.”

“What does that mean? Does that mean it’s Mattie’s, or is there somethin’ wrong with it?”

“Let’s not worry ourselves. You just concentrate on breathing. All your questions will be answered soon.” Just then there was a knock at the door. “That’s probably her. I’ll go down and let her in. Breathe, Nady, just breathe, dear.”

The pain was startin’ to ease off again, but I knew it was only for a little while. I couldn’t imagine what was keepin’ Madam and Miss Lorraine, and then I heard his voice. It went right through me. It was Mattie.

“She’s upstairs resting,” Madam said, speakin’ in the direction of my room, loud enough so I could hear and prepare. She knew he wasn’t goin’ to leave without seein’ me.

“I just need to see her for just one minute. I promise I won’t be long.”

“Mattie, no, it’s not a good time!” But it was too late; I could already hear him comin’ up the stairs. I got myself together as fast as I could.

There was a knock at the door. “Nady? Nady, are you in there? It’s me, Mattie.” Slowly my door started to open, and there he was. He was so beautiful, my heart smiled at the sight of him, even though his way confused me. What was wrong, I wondered? “Now there’s a face I haven’t seen in a long time. May I come in?” he asked, still standin’ in the doorway.

“You’re askin’ after you just ’bout forced your way past Madam? Mattie, what are you doin’ here?”

As if he had forgotten how to put one foot in front of the other, he made his way into the room and shut the door behind him. “Are you alright?” he asked, partly concerned, partly skirting round his real reason for being there.

“I’m fine. A little tired these days. Comes with the territory. But it is good to see you.” I finally smiled. Oh, how that man calmed me. But I had to remember, it wouldn’t be long before the next round of pain came back, so I had to focus.

“It’s good to see you too,” he smiled.

“Are you in town on business again?”

“Not exactly.” Then there was that strange, troubled look again.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, we’ve just gotten back in town not too long ago.”

“We?”

“Yes, me and Victoria. We’re returning from our honeymoon. Nady, we were married,” he said slowly.

“It’s alright, I know. Congratulations.”

“Let me guess. Mother?”

“Of course.”

“I should’ve known,” he said as he started to pace, walkin’ back and forth as if still tryin’ to find words with every step he took. “Victoria doesn’t know I’m here…with you.”

“I figured as much,” I mumbled.

“I had to see you,” he finally said, releasin’ the words like an animal caged for too long.

“Why, Mattie?” And just as I asked, I could feel another sharp pain comin’. I did my best to try and hide it behind the face of anger; and to my likin’, it worked, most likely because the feelin’ was honest. It was damn honest. “You shouldn’t be here. You should go,” I said as I leaned back.

“Nady, are you okay? What’s wrong with you? Is it the baby?”

“I’m fine. I just want you to go!”

“No, not until I’ve said my piece.”

“I want you to leave now,” I said louder.

“Nady, I’m leaving for Vicksburg in the morning.”

“Vicksburg…”

“I just wanted to come and say goodbye,” he finally said as he turned to face me. That was it…that’s what troubled him so. It wasn’t tellin’ me that he and Miss Victoria married—we both knew that day was comin’—it was ‘bout him leavin’ to fight in the war. How could all of this be happenin’ now and at the same time? “Nady, I…I just wanted you to know…no matter what happens…”

Before he could find the breath to finish, I found the strength to stand to my feet and yelled, “Don’t you dare!”

“Nady, please,” he said, tryin’ to get me to sit back down.

“Don’t you dare come in here sayin’ your good-byes!”

“Nady, listen to me,” he begged.

“I won’t let you rid yourself of this burden! Is that why you married her, tryin’ to right yo’ wrong just in case you die?”

“I married her because she loves me. And believe it or not, I do love her, Nady.”

“Then what you doin’ here?”

“Nady…”

He reached for me as I sat back down. “No, go, just go. I’m tired, I’m so tired of it all. Go,” I cried.

He finally started to move towards the door. I couldn’t tell which hurt more, my heart from breakin’ or my hip bones as they shifted. “Nadeline, I will come…again,” he said one last time as he reached for the door.

I did my best to refuse him one last look but I couldn’t. I looked at him and before I knew it, I whispered, “You keep your word.”

He smiled one last time before closin’ the door. And then he was gone.

The minute I knew it was safe, I screamed. I screamed and cried for all of it. I screamed for the aching in my back, the sharp pain in my stomach, heart and my soul. Within seconds, Madam and the midwife came busting through the door. “Nady, Miss Lorraine is here!”

“Is he gone?” I asked as I rolled over in pain.

“Yes, dear, he’s gone,” Madam said as she shut the door.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, Nady, he’s gone,” Madam said again as she came to my side.

“Madam, it’s startin’. It’s happenin’ again! I tried to hold out as long as I could.”

“You did a wonderful job. Here, lie back. Miss Lorraine, quick, hurry!” Madam shouted.

Miss Lorraine pulled my legs open, unmoved by my pain or screams. “There there, now. No head yet, but it won’t be long. You must breathe through the contractions, do you hear me?” Miss Lorraine was an older woman with an accent I couldn’t place. She had been a midwife most of her life and knew what she was doin’. No matter how I screamed, she’d just say, “Yes, yes, that’s about right. Keep breathing.”

That went on for hours, right into the early mornin’, but my water never broke and I was startin’ to lose strength. “Miss Lorraine,” Madam said, “surely her water should have broken by now. She won’t last much longer.”

Still unbothered by Madam’s worry and my weakness, Miss Lorraine looked at Madam as she left from between my legs, handed her a wooden plank, and said, “She’ll need this.”

Madam looked at Miss Lorraine and then at me with absolute fear, took the plank and let out a hard breath. “Okay, Nady, okay dear, you’ve got work to do.” She wiped the sweat from my head and the tears from my face. “You can do it, you hear me? Look at me! You can do this,” she whispered through my moans. “Now catch your breath, and you bite down, you hear me? You bite down with all you’ve got!”

“But no pushing,” Miss Lorraine said from below.

“Now!” Madam ordered as she held the plank in my mouth. God only knows what Miss Lorraine put inside me, but it liked to cut right through me. Before I knew it, blood and water hit the floor.

“Nady, only when I tell you, you bear down and push. Do you hear me?” Miss Lorraine said. “Now…push, push!” she ordered. I started pushin’.

“Oh God, oh God…something’s wrong, it’s not right! Something’s wrong!” I screamed.

“Stop pushing, Nady. Don’t move. The cord’s wrapped around the neck,” Miss Lorraine said with ease.

“What? Say somethin’. What, what is it? What’s happenin’?” I cried.

“Shhh, Nady, it’s going to be alright,” Madam said as she held my hand.

“Now, one last push,” Miss Lorraine said, “on my count. One, two, three…” And with that, I pushed with everythin’ I had left. But there was nothin’ until I heard Miss Lorraine finally say, “Well, I’ll be. Madam LaPierre, cut this.”

Madam left my side and made her way to Miss Lorraine. “Oh, Nady! Dear, it’s, it’s a girl!” Madam cried and with that, I heard your voice for the first time. Madam wrapped you in a towel and slowly walked you over to me with tears in her eyes. If only I knew how to read her tears. Were they happy or sad?

“Nady, meet your daughter.”

I couldn’t believe it. After all this time, I looked at that face and immediately I saw Mattie. My beloved child, Mattie’s daughter. God had allowed me this great joy. I was not the mother of a child born out of rape; instead you were born out of love. Oh, you were the sweetest thing in all of life. Through my tears, all I could get out was, “Hello my love, hello.”