Chapter 25

Babies and Fools

I guess the right thing to say is that I stayed up all night holdin’ and rockin’ you in my arms, but that was the furthest thing from the truth. After seein’ and holdin’ you for the first time, the rest of the day was a blur. All I remember was Madam taking you from me to clean you up, and then waking me up to feed you. I didn’t know it, but Miss Lorraine had already left to go and get the baby that we would pass off as mine. Thankfully, time didn’t delay that woman’s birth. Seemed all the stars were lining up. The lie had a chance.

“Nady, dear, wake up, somebody’s hungry. Are you ready to feed her?” It was still like a dream to me, lookin’ at you and seein’ Mattie. Now, I know every new mama says this, but you truly were the most beautiful child I had ever put my eyes on. “You got her? Here, sit up a little, it’ll make it easier,” Madam LaPierre said with eyes just as happy as mine. “Nady, I knew it, I knew it all along.”

“Well, I didn’t. I still can’t believe she’s here, and all this time she was Mattie’s… Mattie, oh God, I’ve got to get to Mattie!”

“Calm down, Nady. So, you’ve changed your mind? You want to tell him? Do you think that’s wise? You should wait, take some time to think it over before you make that decision. And remember, she’s not just Mattie’s child, she’s also Elizabeth’s grandchild.”

“No, he’s leavin’ today!”

“What are you talking about?”

“He told me so. He’s leavin’ for Vicksburg today!”

“Vicksburg? Nady, oh dear God, that fool! What has he done?” she shouted.

“I’ve got to get to him.” But it didn’t take much movement for me to realize I wasn’t going anywhere. I was too weak, way too weak.

“Dear Lord,” Madam whispered. “What has he done?”

***

“Excuse me, sir. I’m looking for a Matthew McCullen. Have you seen him? Is he here?” Madam LaPierre looked into the faces of what seemed to be hundreds of soldiers, some just boys, all gathered ’bout, gettin’ ready to leave for Vicksburg. Madam’s eyes were filled with tears at the thought of those children headin’ off to fight in a war they would most likely never see to the end. Some of them were dressed in uniform, some not. Some were fightin’ for cause, some fightin’ just to earn a wage, all headed towards the same thing for different reasons.

“Miss, this is no place for a lady,” a young boy said to her. “You should go on back to the front and let somebody up there help you.”

“First, you will take your hands off of me. Second, you will point me in the direction of who’s in charge here. I need to find Matthew McCullen. It’s a matter of life and death!”

With eyes of apology, the young soldier looked at her and said politely, “Ma’am, it’s all a matter of life and death.” He pointed her in the direction of the commanding officer. Before she could turn back around to say thank you, he was gone, lost in a crowd of hundreds who looked just like him. She said she searched for Mattie for hours but came up with nothin’. Later she told of how she saw women and children all standin’ around, cryin’ and beggin’ their husbands and fathers not to go.

She had almost given up hope when she heard a familiar voice behind her. “Madam LaPierre, what are you doing here?” With hope in her eyes, she turned around and found Master McCullen standin’ before her. She had never been so happy to see him. “Matthew, Matthew, my goodness! This is probably the first time I can honestly say that I’m happy to see you.” She smiled.

“Well, they say there’s a first time for everything,” he said, tryin’ to smile back, but couldn’t.

“Matthew, where is your son? Where is Mattie?”

“He’s gone. He’s been gone for some time now. His brigade left before sunup.”

“No, no, we’ve got to catch him!”

“There’s no way, he’s too far gone now. Madam LaPierre, calm down. What’s this all ’bout?”

I could just imagine Madam LaPierre’s face, freezing, unable to speak a word. “I, I…”

“What, what is it?”

“Nady…Nady wanted me to tell him…goodbye for her.” She said those were the only words she could come up with.

“I figured it had something to do with Nady. He told me he was going to see her before he left. I wasn’t sure if that was wise, but I also knew I couldn’t stop him. Didn’t he see her?”

“Yes, but she wasn’t feeling well, so it was a very short visit.”

“How is she? I was afraid this would all be too much for her.”

“She’s fine. Just a little tired. We’ve slowed down with her performances for now. I’m sure you’ll be sending for her soon.”

“Yes…well, I’d rather keep her out of all of this until it settles down a bit.” Madam was surprised. She thought for sure now that Mattie was gone, he’d all but follow her back home to pick me up, but he didn’t. It was almost as if he rathered that I stayed away. “Speaking of, shouldn’t you be headed back? That young man was right. This is no place for a lady.”

Madam looked at Master, and though he smiled, there was somethin’ in his eyes that she couldn’t put a name to. She later told me that she thought it was worry for Mattie, but that was only some of it. I would soon find out that his heart was carryin’ the weight of what had happened to Mama.

Seemed like days since Madam had left to go and find Mattie. It had started to rain real light-like, so it was hard to see the road leadin’ up to the house. Yes, I knew that by tellin’ Mattie ’bout his daughter, I was openin’ a door I could never shut, but he had to know. So there I sat, holdin’ my beautiful baby girl in my arms, as I whispered lullabies into your ears. You were such a sweet baby, and truly a spittin’ image of your father. I had to admit, lookin’ at your white skin up against mine took a little gettin’ used to. Sure, children born by slaves, fathered by white masters, wasn’t new, but you were mine. The minute you left my body, everythin’ changed. And to look at you now, sittin’ in front of me, all these years later, a grown woman listenin’ to me carry on ’bout yesteryears, I never thought it would be. But thanks be to God, thanks be to God, for keepin’ his promise.

It’s alright. I know you had to leave and find your own way, but you came back, and that’s all that matters now. You know, I see my mama in you. You got the shape of her face. But as blood goes, I also see Miss Elizabeth. You got her way, how she carried herself in her younger years, light and proud. There’s nothin’ ‘bout you that tarries and I like that about you. I suppose it serves you well in the time we’re living in now. Oh but I’m in there too. You got my mouth and your father’s eyes…all that is mixed up in you nice, real nice indeed.

Well, I guess I should get back to the story, my story, yours…that’s what you came here for. Oh, how I remember baskin’ in your sweet little fingers and tiny toes, hopin’ and prayin’ that Madam got to Mattie in time. “I can’t wait until Mama sees you,” I whispered as I rocked you in my arms. “Oh, you are goin’ to light up her entire life.” Even though you were just a baby, I swear you understood every word I said. Your eyes were wide and locked on to every curve of my face. You were indeed the prettiest baby in all of creation.

Just then I heard the front door shut. Madam was back. Slowly I walked to the door and looked around the corner. The rain from Madam’s coat had dripped on the floor, makin’ puddles with every step she took. She heard me and looked up the staircase with the heaviest of eyes, and I knew. “Dear, it was too late. He was gone long before I got there.”

I couldn’t say anything. I didn’t know whether to cry, scream or thank God, so I simply said, “Thank you, Madam,” and walked back to the room and kept right on hummin’ sweet lullabies to you. Because of me, there was a chance that he could die never knowin’ you even existed. Perhaps I should have listened to my heart. Everything in me told me you were his, but I ignored my deeper self and now he was gone. But was this God’s way of taking care of fools and babies? Mama always said that he would, and in this case, you were the baby and I was the fool. A fool for still lovin’ a man that would fight to keep me in chains.