Chapter 33

Poor Wayfaring Stranger

Mama was holdin’ on, but I knew it wouldn’t be long. Seem like every mornin’ I was up before sunrise, just to make sure she was goin’ to open her eyes again. It was like I could feel it, smell it, even taste it. The spirit of death was not finished with us, not yet. Mama always said death was a friend, that we should never fear him, not if you’re God’s child, so I wasn’t afraid of death, but I was angry. Couldn’t death find his fill with the hundreds, even thousands of soldiers whose lives he took without pause on the battlefields? What was it ‘bout us that kept him near?

Mama’s days never made sense. Some days were good, some were bad. Some days, she’d just lay in the bed while I sang to her. You could never tell her tomorrows from today. But there was one mornin’ in particular that caught me by surprise. I remember it well ‘cause she was doin’ pretty good that day. She told me to come sit a while, that she wanted to talk to me.

“Mama, what’s wrong, you need somethin’?” I asked. She motioned for me to come close to her, so I did. I sat on the bed next to her and rubbed her hands softly. “Mama, what is it?”

“Sorry,” she mumbled.

“Sorry for what?”

“My part,” she whispered.

Somehow, I knew where she was goin’, and I wanted to stop her, but even when she was at her weakest I knew better, so I let her speak her piece. “Mama, I’ve had a good life. Better than any dream, and that’s because of you. You did that. Somehow you got me outside the gate.”

She smiled. “Yo’ gift and God got you outside the gate,” she said as she fought to keep her eyes open.

“Mama, please, stay with me. Don’t you do this, not yet, Mama…please, we’re so close. You just got to hold on a little longer,” I cried. By then my tears had found their way down every curve of my face, until finally they fell from my chin to her hand, drop by drop. “Don’t you do that. Don’t you stop fightin’. Mama, you’ve got to hold on, please! You’ve got to meet her. You’ve got to meet your granddaughter.”

With those words, she fought past the call of death and opened her eyes. “Granddaughter…” she mumbled.

“Mama, you have a granddaughter. She’s Mattie’s daughter. She’s far, far away. She’s with Madam LaPierre. Safe from here.”

“Mattie’s daughter,” she forced out, now with tears in her eyes.

“Oh Mama, she’s so beautiful. She’s the most beautiful thing you’ve ever set your eyes on.” Finally, she knew the answer to the question she didn’t have the strength to ask. “Barry’s not mine. Madam found a way. I don’t know who his mother is.”

“She looked up at me with strong eyes and said, “You, you Barry’s mother, and don’t you forget. God allowed it, you hear me? That child is my grandson, and…”

“Rose. Her name is Maddie Rose.”

“Rose,” she said through her tears, “is my granddaughter.”

“God only knows where they are now. They were waitin’ for me up north. Madam sent word when they got there. Olivia and Henri are still at Madam’s, mindin’ the house. They get word to me when they can, but there’s been no word for a while now. The first few letters said Rose is growin’ strong, and she’s walkin’ and singin’ already, Mama! Madam says she’s lookin’ more like Mattie every day, but has my mouth. Madam is certain she’ll be better than me! Can you believe it, Mama? Isn’t that wonderful?”

“You’ve got to get to her. She’s got to know her mama. Promise me, child, promise me you get to her as soon as you can.”

“I promise, Mama…I promise,” I said as I held her weak hand.

Mama’s words were a warnin’. I know that now. Somehow she knew you needed me. A child like you, from two different worlds, bound to struggle. And what did I do? I put you right in the middle of that war without me or your father. For that, I’m truly sorry. But back to what you came here for. You wanna know ‘bout your past, and the past of your people. I remember beggin’ Mama to hold on, but she was slippin’ away. “Oh Mama, please, stay with me. You’ve got to see her. She needs to see you, Mama. She’s got to know you.”

Gently with her good hand, she pulled my face to her chest and kissed my forehead. “She’s got to see you,” she whispered as she took her last breath. I could still feel life as it left my mother’s body. I held her hand and watched her eyes close for the very last time.

No surprise, Lida was nearby. “The good Lord is happy to have her home, but I’s gone miss her,” she whispered. By that time, my entire body laid on top of Mama’s. Lida tried to pull me off, but she couldn’t. Death had taken the last bit of strength I had left. I was broken. It’s been years and I can still feel the weight of that pain, just like it was yesterday. I remember cuppin’ her face with both my hands and kissing her softly as tears ran down my face onto hers. I don’t know how much time had passed, but somewhere along the night, Jaydith came and picked me up. It had to be him; no one else dared to try and touch me. I cried like I’ve never cried before or ever will again. My mother was dead, Lady Victoria was dead, no one knew if Mattie was still alive, and you, you were gone. Those were some hard days for sho’. Death had come and gone and come again, but this time he just cut way too deep.

The next day we put Mama in the ground. I sang her favorite song, the same song I sang so many years ago…the song one of her favorite songs. “I am a poor wayfaring stranger. Travelin’ through this world of woe. There is no sickness, toil or danger, in that bright land to which I go.”

Mama’s death was the beginning and end of something in my life. Something I can’t put words to. You don’t see it comin’…the way it marks your soul, how it changes the way you see everything. Nothing’s the same. It’s like learnin’ to walk all over again, only this time you remember fallin’, you feel the pain and there’s no one there to pick you up. Then all of a sudden, you’re walkin’ and you don’t remember when you started. No one is there to tell you the story of your first steps. You’re leery of everyone a little because they’re not Mama. Nobody is or will ever be…Mama. Who or what was she to me up there? Was Mama now my sister? My angel? Was she still my mother now that she had crossed over? She always said, “Nady, you ain’t mine, you’re His. I just been given charge over you is all. Never make the mistake of thinking you belong to anybody on this side of heaven, even me.”

Talkin’ ‘bout her helped. Lida was always there to listen. Helping to care for Barry and Jacob kept me busy. I guess in a way, it made me feel closer to you. But Jaydith was the biggest surprise in it all. I never thought I’d see the day when he became my rather, but that’s just what he had become.