Chapter 40

Help or Hurt?

“Now you must make sure to give him two of these in the morning and two with his lunch. He hasn’t had an episode in a while, but we don’t want to chance it,” she said to the young nurse as they looked at my pills.

“And don’t forget,” I added, “you must mix them in freshly squeezed orange juice. And if you really want me to take them without complaint, you’ll have Mammie Dee make some of her sweetcakes.” I paused. As soon as the name left my lips I knew the name, but I didn’t know how.

Anna and the other nurse Ms. Bailey looked at me, just as shocked as I was, before Anna finally spoke. “Mammie Dee? Who’s Mammie Dee, Matthew?” she asked.

“I…I don’t know. But she has to mean something to me. Surely, I wouldn’t just randomly say a name like that unless it means something, right?” I was hopeful. Immediately I stood up with excitement.

Anna walked over to me. “Matthew, sit, calm down. I don’t want you over-exciting yourself. Nurse Bailey, please, get the rest of his medicine ready.”

“Yes ma’am,” Ms. Bailey said as she left the room and headed to the kitchen.

I could tell that Anna wanted to talk things out without anyone else hearing. “Mammie Dee, that has to be a…a…slave…right?” She looked at me with piercing eyes as she grabbed my arm, turning it over to check my pulse.

“Well, I don’t think anyone’s surprised. This Southern drawl can’t be taught.” I smiled, trying to ease the tension. Now with memories starting to fade in and out, it was clear that I must have been a Confederate soldier, and that felt right but wrong at the same time. “We have something to go with now. Surely Mammie Dee was someone, maybe is someone close to me. Maybe we should start with some of the Southern regimens, see if anyone recognizes me?”

“You might want to slow down. We don’t know anything, at least not enough to go around and start asking soldiers if they recognize you, based on your ramblings about sweetcakes and someone possibly named Mammie Dee.” Hearing it out loud made me laugh, which ended up making her laugh just enough to wear down the strain that was forming underneath her strong yet delicate neckline. Though in her prim nurse’s outfit, she was as desirable as I could imagine any woman being…just being near her made everything in me come alive. “Quite honestly, I think it’s dangerous,” she finally went on, as she continued to write in my record, purposefully trying to remain professional.

“Dangerous? How is that?” I asked.

“Matthew, while I think the best of you, as does Dr. Lewis and everyone at the hospital, we have no idea who you are, and why you were left at the hospital’s gate by a stranger. If you know someone named Mammie Dee, wouldn’t that make you a slave owner? It just doesn’t make sense. It’s quite possible that losing your memory could be the best thing that’s happened to you.” I can’t say that her sermon wasn’t void of sound possibility, though I was cautious that her words could have been motivated by more than just concern for who I was, but rather who she wanted me to be, or who she didn’t want me to be.

Just then, surprisingly Dr. Lewis walked into the room, visibly tired but nonetheless ever happy to be interrupting my and Anna’s alone time. “So, how’s our patient doing this evening? Anything new?”

“Just in time, Doc,” I said with excitement as he made his way over to me, acknowledging Anna with a look, knowing even without saying anything that something had happened.

“What is it, Anna?” he asked.

She let out a hard, short breath before saying, “We’re not sure.”

“Apparently I knew or know someone who goes by the name Mammie Dee. And based off of my memories, I love her sweetcakes.” I smiled, waiting to see if it sounded as ridiculous as it seemed.

“Is that so?” Dr. Lewis said, intentionally refusing to look at Anna. “Mammie Dee’s sweetcakes…you don’t say,” he finally responded with a curious smile. “Is there more?”

“There was talk of liking his pills with orange juice,” Anna went on, reading my words from her notes, only speaking them because she had to, and not because she placed any weight in them.

“Freshly squeezed orange juice,” I corrected. Now we all laughed.

“Well, I can’t say it doesn’t make sense, but if that’s all, my dear friend, I’m afraid it’s not the breaking news we need to start connecting the dots,” Dr. Lewis finally concluded.

“At the very least, perhaps it confirms that I am indeed a Southerner,” I added with a chuckle.

Dr. Lewis passively agreed. “Perhaps indeed. Matthew, let’s you and I prepare for dinner. Anna, you can go ahead and leave for the day.”

“Of course,” she replied as she left the room. “Good evening.”

“Good evening,” Dr. Lewis replied. I nodded my head to acknowledge her exit, all the while searching her eyes for meaning, missing her already. Just before the door shut behind Anna, another flash came to me. It was a woman, a beautiful woman with hazel eyes and the sweetest face. She was white, fair, but in her own simple way absolutely breathtaking. She was sitting at a piano playing a song.

“Nady,” I whispered.

“What is it, Matthew?” the doctor asked.

“I just had another memory. There’s a woman. She was sitting at a piano playing a song. There were people standing around…it must be Nady. Doc, I’m remembering someone, I’m sure of it. This is real!”

“So, you’ve seen this woman in your dreams before?” the doctor asked as he rushed to my record, thumbing through past passages.

“No, no, this is the first time I’ve seen her face. Before it was just her voice. I would hear her singing in all these different languages. Doc, she sings in French and Italian!” I shouted.

“Wow, she sounds like something special. What does this woman look like? You said she has hazel eyes?”

“Yes, she’s breathtaking. There’s something very kind about her beauty. She’s sweet, Doc…she’s absolutely darling. Too good for me.”

“You can tell that by one memory? And you believe her name is Nady?”

“Oh yes. Something tells me I don’t deserve her. She has to be Nady, it’s the only thing that makes sense…she definitely isn’t Mammie Dee.” I smiled.

The doctor looked at me and smiled as he wrote down his final notes. “We don’t want to overdo it. You should get some rest.”

“Oh Doc, there’s no way I can rest now! I can barely sit still. We might find out who I am after all!”

“Yes, we might, but we don’t want to confuse fantasy with reality. We must not force these things. Matthew, we have to be careful to create a space where they flow freely. What were you feeling just before you saw this woman’s face flash before you?”

Immediately I remembered that I felt guilty because of my growing feelings for Anna. I desperately wanted to know who I was, and where I came from; but Anna was real, and my memories, my visions, well, I didn’t know what to make of them. Anna was becoming the light of my day. She was the first thing on my mind in the morning, and the last thing on my mind at night.

“Matthew, what were you feeling?” Dr. Lewis asked again.

“I…I don’t know,” I said as I sat back down, looking at the door that Anna had just walked out of.

The doctor was confused. He was certain I should have been able to communicate a feeling, so why wasn’t I, his eyes asked. “Well, then, it’s as I said, you should rest.”

“Perhaps you’re right,” I said as I watched Dr. Lewis write down his last notes in my journal. I needed Dr. Lewis to believe I didn’t know what I was feeling. Cannon was not just my doctor, but he was truly becoming my friend, and I needed him. Acting on my feelings for Anna would only alienate the good doctor, and I couldn’t afford that.

“Right about what?” he asked.

“Right about reality and fantasy. I can’t tell the difference between the two,” I whispered. Though my words were true, they had specific purpose. I needed him to believe that, for if nothing else, it would buy me a little more time, time to figure all of this out.

“Matthew…this is good. This is really good. Don’t you worry, friend, I’m not giving up, and neither should you,” he said as he opened my bedroom door, both of us surprised to find Anna standing on the other side of it. “Anna…you’re still here?” Dr. Lewis asked with a hint of pleasure.

“Yes, I…I couldn’t help but overhear…I thought you’d want me to record the memory in his journal before I left.” Had she stayed out of her love for medicine, or because of her womanly curiosity concerning my vision?

“Thank you,” he said as he passed her in the doorway, making his way downstairs, almost looking as if he felt out of place in his own house. Her words were appropriate, but the way she looked at me wasn’t. I saw it and I know Dr. Lewis saw it too, though he tried to overlook it.

“Matthew, I truly am happy for you,” she said as she pretended to give all of her attention to her notes. “You just may be starting to remember things and people from your past.” I could tell that saying those words just about cut a hole into Anna’s heart; but worse than that, her pain pleased me.

“Anna…” I sighed as I got up and walked over to her, coming behind her as she stood in front of the table that held journals, books, a wonderland of research materials that both she and the doctor toiled over no doubt. “Look at me,” I whispered.

“I can’t,” she forced out.

“Why?”

“I’m such a fool.”

“No, Anna, please don’t say that.”

“I am, Matthew, I’m a foolish woman. How did I allow myself to…”

“Then I wasn’t imagining it. You do see past my bandages.”

“From the moment I first laid eyes on you,” she said as she slowly turned around to face me.

“But what about Dr. Lewis? It would take a blind and deaf man to miss his feelings for you.”

“I can’t force what’s not there. It’s you, it’s always been you, from the first moment I saw you.”

“Anna…” I said again as I lightly traced the side of her face with my fingers, in awe of her beauty and her pained honesty.

Just as I was about to kiss her, we heard Ms. Bailey calling for Anna from downstairs. Quickly she pushed my hands away and started to make her way out of my room. “Anna, tomorrow, come to me,” I said before she left the room.

“I can’t. I’m to be at the hospital all day.”

“Then come when you get off.”

“It’ll be too late.”

“This house is a mansion. We can find somewhere to meet.”

She paused. “Okay,” she finally smiled.

“Until tomorrow…I’ll leave a candle lit for you in the window,” I said as she turned to walk away and closed the door behind her. A candle lit…in the window. There they were again, flashes. I closed my eyes and began to lean into the singing voice that echoed in my mind.

Had Anna not turned around that one last time, she wouldn’t have seen it…the look on my face. I was remembering something else. Anna tried to push it out of her mind, but she couldn’t. It was as if she knew her time with me would soon come to an end. I can only imagine how she wanted to find a way to keep me there in the here and now, and away from my yesterdays, a mystery that seemed to be unfolding quickly. I watched her walk away with both hope and fear in her eyes. “Tomorrow,” she whispered one last time before leaving.

“Tomorrow,” I said, trying to calm the fright I felt brewing in her heart, and the hope I felt springing up in mine.