40
Wednesday, July 23
Two days after her doctor’s visit, Natalia went out to Djursholm to talk to her parents. She had called in sick to the office after seeing the doctor, not up to working when her whole life had just been turned upside down.
Again.
There’d been a lot of that going on lately.
She had actually managed to make it in to the office for a bit yesterday. She’d worked for a few hours, but then she’d felt so sick she’d had to go home again. Better that than throw up all over her coworkers. This morning she’d given up and called in sick again. And then fallen asleep on the sofa. That was so not her that it was like being in someone else’s body.
J-O hadn’t called once, and Natalia wasn’t sure if that was a good or a bad sign. Maybe he wanted to give her a break.
But now she’d at least made a decision: she would tell her parents. The pregnancy would affect them too, and she was hoping for their support. And no matter how you looked at it, whatever their relationship was like, she was still a young woman pregnant for the first time. She so wanted to share this with the people she loved.
Natalia took the E18 north, trying to imagine her mother and father’s reactions. Would they be angry? Disappointed? And yet, it was a child, their first grandchild. Did she dare to hope for a little joy once the worst of the shock had subsided?
She bit her lower lip, because she really had no idea what to expect. Yes, she’d made a mistake, gotten involved with a man who’d tricked her, but she was only human, and once the shock wore off, surely they would understand? She hardly dared consider the possibility that they really wouldn’t understand, that they wouldn’t support her. They were all she had. They had to understand.
“I have something to tell you,” Natalia said once they were seated in the living room. The house was totally silent and the air almost stagnant.
Her mother sat stiffly with a delicate wrinkle between her eyebrows. Her father had his arms crossed.
Natalia nervously moistened her lips, wished that she had something to drink. “It’s about David Hammar,” she began.
Her mother blinked and put her hand to her chest. “I really hope you’re not having anything to do with him,” she said.
Her father’s eyes narrowed, but he didn’t say anything, just watched.
Natalia swallowed. “David and I . . . ,” she began, but the words failed her. She really needed something to drink. She was enormously thirsty.
“Natalia,” her mother said. “What did you do?”
“Let her speak,” her father snapped.
Natalia got ready. After all, it wasn’t like she’d murdered someone. She stretched her back and said, “A few weeks ago, I had a short relationship with David Hammar, and I . . .”
Her mother leapt out of her chair and bawled, “Are you insane?”
“Quiet,” her father said. He was looking straight at Natalia. “And?” he asked coldly.
Natalia looked down at her lap, saw her fingers twisting around each other, and forced them to lie still. “It’s over between us,” she said quietly. “But I’m pregnant.”
Her mother’s hand shot up to cover her mouth. “That can’t be true!”
“I found out two days ago,” Natalia said. “David doesn’t know. I came to you first.” She watched them pleadingly. “You’re my parents.”
Her mother started to cry behind her hand. That must be the shock, Natalia thought. Her mother could be cold and selfish, but she was still her mother. Certainly she must . . .
But a terrible feeling began to spread through her gut. She hadn’t really imagined that they would react like this. She tried to make eye contact with her father. Her father was hard, but he loved her, in his way. Surely he understood how this felt to her, surely he understood that the family must stand as one. She only had them, after all. “Papa, I . . .”
“He did this to get to us,” he interrupted her. His voice was steady, almost devoid of emotion.
“No, Dad, it wasn’t like that,” she said, trying to sound certain even though she was convinced of the same thing.
Her father sneered at her mockingly. “Maybe you think that Hammar fellow wants you? And your baby?”
“You don’t understand what you’ve done,” her mother said, sounding stifled.
“I knew it,” her father said. He looked out the window, as if he couldn’t even bear to look at her anymore. “Bad genes always show through. I’ve been waiting for this.”
Her mother shook her head. “Gustaf, don’t say that.” But her voice lacked conviction.
Her father turned back to Natalia. The look in his eyes was harsh, without even a flicker of warmth or understanding. “I knew the whole time. Any daughter of mine would never act like some cheap, low-class hussy.”
“I understand that you’re upset,” Natalia said as calmly as she could. “It was a shock for me as well.”
“Gustaf,” her mother pleaded. “Not now.”
Gustaf flashed Ebba a quick glance, and she looked away, retiring back into her position as a submissive aristocrat’s housewife.
Her father stood up. “If you think I’m going to tolerate some tramp’s brat in my family, then you’re wrong,” he said.
“Surely we can discuss this,” Natalia said, more shocked by his coldness and choice of words than she wanted to show. “It’s a baby that we’re talking about here, your grandchild.” And we’re living in the twenty-first century. And I need you, she thought.
“You really see how the vulgar heredity comes out now.”
“Papa!”
“You really don’t understand,” he hissed. “Listen carefully now. You are not my daughter. You never were. I don’t give a fuck about you or your bastard. I am going to stamp out David Hammar like the rat he is.” He pointed to the door. “Get out of my house.”
“But . . .”
“You explain it so she understands,” he ordered his wife. “I don’t want to see her again.” He slammed his fist on the coffee table so hard that a vase jumped. “Never again, you hear?”
Then he left, without even deigning to look at Natalia.
Natalia stared after him. “I don’t understand,” she said. “What does he mean? I am loyal to the family, surely you see that? Mother? He can’t be serious. It’s not like I’ve done anything.”
“I didn’t want you to find out like this,” her mother said, sniffling into a tissue she pulled from a box on the coffee table. “Actually, I didn’t want you to find out at all.”
“Find out what?”
“Are you really pregnant?”
Natalia nodded. “Six weeks.”
“And it’s his?” She made a face. “That man’s?”
“Yes.”
“You have to get rid of it.”
“That is not your decision.”
Her mother clenched the tissue tightly in her fist. “How could you do this to us?”
“I didn’t do anything to anyone.” She couldn’t even express how hurt she was, how betrayed she felt, how lonely and scared she was right now. She’d come here for comfort, because she thought she’d hit bottom and because she had been counting on her mother and father’s support. On this point, she had truly misjudged the situation.
“For all these years, I’ve tried to get you to think about your behavior,” her mother said, her tone reproachful. “To think about what you say. Tried to make you understand how important it is. To be careful.” She shook her head. “You have so much to be grateful for. And then you do this.” She looked at Natalia with dry eyes. She wasn’t crying anymore, and Natalia saw no compassion, just that her mother had decided something.
“I can’t do anything about this,” her mother said, crumpling the tissue. “It’s out of my hands now.”
“I don’t understand any of this,” Natalia said genuinely.
Her mother smoothed her skirt, straightening the fabric until it was flat, and then calmly said, “Gustaf isn’t your biological father.”
And then everything changed.
Everything she had believed.
Everything she had known.
Everything.
She wasn’t a De la Grip.
An enormous wave of exhaustion overtook Natalia. She was so tired she hardly had the strength to blink. Maybe she was actually at home in bed sleeping and soon she would wake up and realize that this summer had never happened, that she had never met David, that . . .
“This is hard for me too,” her mother continued, and her voice was already stronger, as if it were all over now as far as she was concerned. As if she’d already chosen a side and had no intention of changing her mind. “I’ve always tried to protect you. But you’ve gone too far this time. I have to be loyal to your father—to Gustaf. He needs me. And I need him; you know that.”
Natalia blinked. Her heart raced in her chest. Was this really happening? Was her own mother rejecting her?
“I made a mistake,” her mother said. “Peter was so little. I was alone, and I felt so unappreciated. I did something foolish. But your father and I agreed to stay together, to go on as a family. He gave you his name and forgave me for what happened.”
For what happened? I’m what happened.
“Then Alexander came along. You children had everything,” her mother continued, as if she were defending the choices she’d once made. “We have lived well, traveled a lot, had nice things.”
“He’s always treated me differently,” Natalia said, because suddenly so much made sense. How she’d been kept out of Investum’s inner circle. How the mansion and the family jewels had been systematically transferred to the sons. The whole time she’d thought it was because they were boys. But really it was because of their genes. She wasn’t Gustaf’s biological child, and therefore she had to be kept out. She, who had always detested infidelity, was the result of an illicit affair. The irony was epic.
“Gustaf is a stern man, but you’ve always meant a lot to him,” her mother said. “He never made any distinction between you children.”
But her mother was lying, and they both knew that. There had been a distinction. And no amount of skill or accomplishment had been able to make up for it.
“Does Peter know? And Alex?”
“No one knows.”
But Natalia had seen the flicker of uncertainty. Her mother was lying. Again. All these lies.
“Uncle Eugene knows, doesn’t he?” Natalia said once the final pieces slid into place.
“Yes, Eugene knows. He’s never forgiven me. He always thought you should know. This has actually been really hard for me. And for your father.”
I have to get out of here, Natalia thought, panic-stricken. I have to get out of here, get away. She stood up while her mother was in the middle of saying something. Natalia walked out of the living room without saying good-bye. Out of the house, her eyes vacant, an icy lump in her chest.
She sat down in her car.
Her hands were shaking so hard she could hardly take her phone out of her purse. She called and closed her eyes as the call went through.
Åsa was on her way out the door when Natalia called.
“Can I come over?”
She could tell right away that something had happened. She just said, “Come.” She had a dinner date with a young fund manager and had already planned the picture she was going to send to Michel later. Tight red jersey dress, décolletage to die for, and long red fingernails. A little on the vulgar side, certainly, but she knew what men liked. Who would have thought that driving Michel crazy would be so much fun?
Ten minutes later Natalia was standing in her apartment shaking, and Åsa only needed to take one look at her friend to see that this was going to take all night. “Come in,” Åsa said. “I just have to call and back out of a date.”
Åsa called and canceled. Then she told Natalia, “You look like shit. I’m going to order a pizza,” she decided because she was starving. “Do you want some?”
Natalia shook her head, but Åsa ordered a large one anyway so they could share. Natalia looked like she needed some energy, and Åsa had been suppressing all her unfulfilled sexual desires with food lately. “Extra cheese,” she said into the phone while Natalia collapsed flat on the sofa.
Natalia kicked off her shoes, put one arm over her forehead, and said, “More drama. You want to hear about it?”
Åsa sat down on the other sofa. “Spill it.”
After Natalia filled her in, Åsa was quiet. Considering that Natalia had been the one who led the more boring, undramatic life, she was really catching up.
“Did you know?” Natalia asked. “That Gustaf isn’t my father?”
Åsa slowly shook her head. “Embarrassingly enough, I never even suspected anything. I’m way too self-absorbed. How are you doing?”
“Oh, I’m doing great,” Natalia said sarcastically.
“Well, who is your biological father then?”
“Can you believe I didn’t even ask? I have no idea. And I can’t bring myself to call my mom and ask right now. It could be anyone. The pool guy, maybe.”
The doorbell rang, and Åsa went to get the pizza. She returned with the box, set it on the coffee table, and then went to the kitchen to get utensils, plates, and glasses.
“It smells heavenly,” Natalia said when Åsa came back. The box was open, and the aroma of garlic and basil filled the living room.
Åsa served them each a slice, dripping with cheese. “I have a nice red wine in the kitchen. Do you want a glass?”
Natalia had just taken a big bite of pizza. She set down her slice and wiped her mouth. “Oh my God, I’m so sorry. I forgot to tell you my other news.” Her eyes danced with glee. “Not only am I a bastard, it turns out I’m pregnant, too.”
Her hand flew up to cover her mouth, and her shoulders shook from hysterical laughter.
Åsa set down her utensils. For all these years Natalia had just sailed calmly through life. Apparently those days were over now. “I think I’m going to skip the wine, then,” Åsa said. “I need a real drink, and then you’re going to tell me everything.”
When they finished the pizza and Åsa was comfortably drunk after a couple of vodka tonics, Natalia leaned back on the sofa. She had her legs pulled up Indian-style and looked surprisingly with it considering she’d just been duped, dumped, accidentally knocked up, and then informed that she was a bastard, all in a little over a week.
Åsa downed the last of her drink. “What are you going to do now?” she asked, fishing out an ice cube and crushing it between her teeth.
“I don’t know. Everything is such a mess, to put it mildly. But I don’t even have the strength to fall apart. Is this hard for you, by the way? Talking about all this? I mean, you’re close to my mom and, uh, Gustaf.”
“I’m fine. And I meant what I said before. I’m on your side, Nat.”
“Thanks,” Natalia said. Her phone rang. She picked it up and looked at the caller ID. “I have to take this,” she said with a crooked smile. “It’s not like things can get any worse—at least there’s that!”
She put her phone to her ear and listened. Åsa went out to the kitchen to mix herself another drink. When she came back Natalia was already done with the call.
“That was fast,” Åsa said. “Who was it?”
“That was J-O.” Natalia was staring straight ahead, as if she were thinking hard.
Åsa looked at the time. “What did he want?”
“J-O?”
Åsa nodded, sipping at her drink.
“Oh, he was just calling to tell me I was fired.”