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<h1 class="block_5" id="id_c6">Chapter 6. The Mindset of Gratitude</h1>
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<p class="block_10">Having gratitude is one of the most valuable mindsets we can have. Chances are, there are at least a few things in your life that you’re thankful for, things that are keeping your head above water or are giving you some measure of happiness. </p>
<p class="block_10">And yet, sometimes, we can be so ungrateful and miserable in a way that can ruin our day. Why? Maintaining that sense of gratitude and verbalizing it whenever you can keep you centered in your reality and happier overall.</p>
<p class="block_10">I knew someone a while ago who went through an unexpected, prolonged period of extreme depression. Several things in their life seemed to be imploding at the same time: the end of a long-term relationship (and their ex almost immediately starting a new one), the loss of a job, having to move to a completely new apartment with almost no furnishings, and a general withdrawal from almost all social contact. </p>
<p class="block_10">This person went total recluse one time after the holidays. They didn’t go out to the places we used to meet up, and they made no attempt at communication—they just went off the grid completely for about three months. No one knew how they were doing. Some of us thought we’d never see them again.</p>
<p class="block_10">Then they just showed up again at the café we hung out at. No warning, no notice, just back in the fray. And they seemed a lot more at peace than we’d ever seen them before. Within a month from that time frame, it was as if they’d become a completely different person.</p>
<p class="block_10">A few years after, I reminded them about that time and asked how they’d gone from such a painfully dark place to a substantially better one in a relatively brief time.</p>
<p class="block_10">“Two things,” they said. “First, I took a hard look at why I’d had so many failures happening and why I’d taken them so personally. I realized the problem was that I went into everything with a certain <i class="calibre4">expectation</i>. And I mean everything: jobs, relationships, friendships, socializing—I did everything with some kind of <i class="calibre4">motive</i>. Whether I said it or not, I demanded something back. I realized that was a pretty ineffective and selfish way to conduct one’s life.</p>
<p class="block_10">“The next thing was that I decided to just stop doing that and that I’d consciously try—just for a little bit of time—to be more generous with my friendships, more positive about them, and try to get outside my selfish bubble and actually try to <i class="calibre4">help</i> people, with no expectations that I’d get anything in return. I needed to be positive and steer things toward an optimistic outcome. That’s all. That was my game plan. </p>
<p class="block_10">“I figured I’d try it for a couple of weeks, maybe a month. But it worked so well that I couldn’t stop. Didn’t want to.”</p>
<p class="block_10">Gratitude is not easy when we’re in a bad place. When we don’t have what we think we want, the last thing we want to do or hear is “be thankful for what you already have.” At best, it’s useless advice; at worst, we might even take it as an insult.</p>
<p class="block_10">That said—be thankful for what you’ve got, because it is impossible to feel simultaneously negative and grateful. Wouldn’t it be nice to approach the world from a positive and happy perspective by default? We often forget that we control our own feelings and that being angry or being grateful is nothing more than a selection—you can <i class="calibre4">choose</i> which one you want to be. </p>
<h2 class="block_12" id="calibre_toc_31">Create Perspective</h2>
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<p class="block_10">The right perspective on gratitude benefits the mindset because it instills positivity as a regular approach. That gives you the energy to change and affect situations in a way negativity cannot. The advantages of being grateful are real and unambiguous—they’re even backed up by science.</p>
<p class="block_10"><i class="calibre4">Gratitude makes us happier.</i> Gratitude, simply put, begets more gratitude, which in turn generates more joy. A study conducted by the University of Miami and UC Davis showed that keeping a five-minute “gratitude journal” can boost your happiness by 10%. The general idea is that expressions of gratitude trigger “feedback loops” of more gratitude. Just by unexpectedly thanking someone or merely making a mental note of gratitude, the benefits could start immediately. You just have to make the first move and your brain will do the rest.</p>
<p class="block_10">For example, if you expressed gratitude to a friend simply for being a positive influence in your life, it would generate more gratitude—especially if your friend responds positively and might be influenced to “pay it forward,” creating more pods of happiness in their own life. You might even just decide to compare what you currently have to your equivalent from a war-torn country, and you’ll suddenly gain perspective on your life.</p>
<p class="block_10"><i class="calibre4">Gratitude makes people like us.</i> In 2006, researchers Emily L. Polak and Michael E. McCullough found that people who were 10% “more grateful” than average had 17.5% more “social capital.” This increased sociability bettered their opinions about their immediate surroundings and also helped other people accumulate more social capital as well. </p>
<p class="block_10">I’ve experienced this firsthand—when I’ve expressed gratitude for a mere friendship or someone’s returned the compliment, it almost always results in a tighter and more meaningful circle of friends. When you extend small, unexpected favors—like a thank-you note, a personal gift, or some other means of expressing gratitude for someone being in your life—people naturally consider you a friendly person.</p>
<p class="block_10"><i class="calibre4">Gratitude makes us happier.</i> A 2005 study from <i class="calibre4">American Psychologist</i> found that just one single act of <i class="calibre4">gratitude</i>—even just feeling or expressing it—resulted in a 10% increase in happiness and a 35% reduction in symptoms of depression. Further, people who wrote down three good things that had happened to them in their day every night for a week showed more sustainable positive impact—even weeks after they’d stopped journaling.</p>
<p class="block_10"><i class="calibre4">Gratitude makes us more optimistic.</i> In the same Miami–UC Davis study mentioned above, participants who kept a weekly gratitude journal also exhibited a 5% increase in optimism. People who kept a <i class="calibre4">daily</i> gratitude journal showed a 15% increase. Optimistic people were almost biologically programmed to focus on the positive aspects of life, whether it’s being thankful, laughing, showing kindness, or forgiving. Gratitude is an almost self-generating form of hopefulness.</p>
<p class="block_10"><i class="calibre4">Gratitude makes you friendlier.</i> A study from Southern Methodist University, UC Davis, and the National Institute for Healthcare Research determined that gratitude promoted pro-social behavior. Participants who kept a gratitude journal were more likely to help other people with their issues and were more relied upon for positive emotional support. Just as gratitude can increase your social reach, as seen above, it also makes your communal circle <i class="calibre4">stronger</i>.</p>
<p class="block_10">This gratitude sounds like a pretty fantastic product. How can we consciously promote a feeling of gratitude more often in our lives? The website Unstuck.com offered a few suggestions in this direction.</p>
<p class="block_10">Notice your daily world from the standpoint of gratitude and allow yourself to be astonished by all the kindness and abundance we take for granted—whether it’s appreciating a nice-weather day, the friendships you have, or the fact that you can buy a candy bar at a convenience store. And of course, if all else fails, compare your status quo with that of someone in far less fortunate circumstances than yours. </p>
<p class="block_10">Maintain a gratitude journal, as some of the above studies suggest. All you need to do is make a note of a couple of things you’re thankful for on a daily basis, whether it’s online, on a notebook, or on paper. You can write in it daily or weekly, and it doesn’t have to be a long narrative—just five or so simple, short phrases about what you appreciate.</p>
<p class="block_10">Compliment someone at least once every day. This can be direct praise to someone or just your general appreciation of something positive (“I love how quiet it is in the morning,” “I love the smell of the air after it rains,” etc.). Positive reinforcement and affirmation always make one feel better, whether they’re generating or receiving it. You’ll feel great from doing it and be motivated to continue.</p>
<p class="block_10">When you’re in a bad situation, ask yourself what you can learn from it. Accept and own your feelings about it, but try to pivot from self-blame or despair by realizing you’ve absorbed a life lesson. It’s not only a failure or setback; it’s an opportunity for learning. In the future, when you look back on this moment without too much emotion, ask what you’ll be grateful for. If you’ve recently ended a bad relationship, lost a job, or received some form of rejection, try to separate yourself at some point and answer what it’s taught you about how life works.</p>
<p class="block_10">Make a commitment not to complain, criticize, or gossip for just one week. If you stumble a bit, just marshal your forces and keep going forward. Don’t feel like one misstep will throw you off completely. Observe how much energy you were wasting on negativity and discouraging thoughts. Chances are, a good portion of your daily conversations are devoted to complaining, ranting, or raving. Our brains actually adapt to repeated negative talk and make it harder to see what you should be grateful for. You can measure your current mindset by how hard it is to keep yourself from engaging in destructive speech.</p>
<h2 class="block_12" id="calibre_toc_32">Positivity and Optimism</h2>
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<p class="block_10">Feeling positive and optimistic is also a mindset choice that can benefit your fulfillment and happiness. Especially in times of global stress and worry, it’s becoming a more important choice to make. Observing the world with a positive attitude and the resilience to make the best of what life has to offer have prolonged effects on our immediate outlook but also have tangible benefits over the long-term.</p>
<p class="block_10">A couple of studies have shown how even just cosmetic alterations that reflect a positive attitude can effect meaningful change.</p>
<p class="block_10"><i class="calibre4">Smiling improves mood.</i> Just the mere physical act of smiling—regardless of context, whether in a great mood or not—can trick your brain into feeling better. I’m not kidding—smile first, ask questions later.</p>
<p class="block_10">In 1988, scientists from Universität Mannheim in Germany did a study about emotion but did not tell their test participants that was the focus of their study. They just asked them to hold pencils with their faces. </p>
<p class="block_10">Participants in one group were instructed to hold the pencils vertically between their teeth. This maneuver, however awkwardly, forced them to smile. Participants in another group were instructed to hold their pencils lengthwise between their lips, which turned their expressions into frowns. Those in a final control group were just told to uneventfully hold the pencils with their hands.</p>
<p class="block_10">If it sounds like these folks weren’t having a good enough time already, the test administrators then showed them a series of humorous images. The participants who were forced to smile expressed that they found the images much funnier than those who were forced into frowning, with the control group landing in the middle. </p>
<p class="block_10">The scientists concluded that it was easier for the subjects to exhibit joy—via laughter—if their physical muscles were “used to” do so by holding a smile. You might say that smiling is the physical manifestation of optimism, in which case it can literally improve your mood and make you happier.</p>
<p class="block_10"><i class="calibre4">Positivity and meditation prolong life.</i> In 1989, Stanford professor Dr. David Spiegel ran a study on 86 women enduring the final stages of breast cancer. Half of the women were administered only their usual prescribed medical treatment, whereas the other half were assigned weekly support groups in addition to their regular medication. The support meetings were chances for the women to share their emotions and associate with other patients in a sympathetic environment.</p>
<p class="block_10">After the conclusion of the study, it was revealed that the women in the support group lived twice as long as the women who only received traditional treatment. The findings were echoed in a 1999 study that showed cancer patients who generally felt powerless or hopeless had a lower chance of survival than those who felt more optimistic.</p>
<p class="block_10">Another remarkable story involves screenwriter David Seidler, who won an Oscar for the screenplay of <i class="calibre4">The King’s Speech</i>. Seidler had been diagnosed with bladder cancer in 2005, which had been controlled with visualization and meditation techniques. Two weeks before his bladder was to be operated on, Seidler refocused his attention and visualized being cancer-free.</p>
<p class="block_10">When Seidler underwent a biopsy immediately before his operation, his doctor said, “I don’t know how to explain it, but there’s no cancer there.” After comparing Seidler’s pre-diagnosis biopsy with his new results and sharing them with other professionals, the doctor’s proclamation that Seidler was cancer-free was confirmed. Seidler theorized that his visualizations had caused his cancer to go into “spontaneous remission.” At least, that’s a story worthy of a screenwriter. The scientific community has various opinions about how effective positive thinking is in improving health issues—this shouldn’t be taken as a suggestion for a cure.</p>
<p class="block_10">You know that optimism can help, and it is best summed up as building a habit of looking at things from alternative perspectives—the brighter side of things or the silver lining in the dark cloud.</p>
<p class="block_10">Conflicts, problems, and trouble force us to choose how we approach them. We consider how we’re going to concentrate and channel our efforts. There’s often the impulse to seek to blame other people, society in general, or our environments. Optimists don’t do that. Instead, they use the solution mindset and try to find remedies.</p>
<p class="block_10">Think back on some of your worst breakdowns or defeats from the past. Did you take anything meaningful from them? How did what you went through change your approach so you didn’t repeat those mistakes? By fairly and objectively looking back on your past failings, you’ll be better able to diagnose new difficulties and be able to proactively find answers for them. If you were in a broken relationship, you might try to understand what traits you exhibited—as well as those of your partner—that you might want to consciously modify or avoid.</p>
<p class="block_10">Many of us can’t let go of our failures. We’re constantly haunted by them, allowing them to compromise our self-confidence and raise a closet full of doubts. This harkens back to the problem-seeking mindset we discussed earlier. When that happens to you, simply ask yourself, “What’s the one thing I could do that will improve this circumstance?”<i class="calibre4"> </i>When you reinstate the solution-focused mindset, you’ll get a near-immediate feeling of progress, potential, and confidence. All those serve as the basis for an optimist.</p>
<p class="block_10">For example, if you’re in an adverse situation at work—like a doomed project or a serious mistake—you’d want to describe what the ideal result would have been like, determine what steps kept it from getting that way, diagnose why they didn’t happen when they were supposed to, and note how and when to improve the situation. This keeps you focused on the model you want to emulate and makes fixing it feel like a positive step.</p>
<p class="block_10">Optimistic folks don’t have any time to spend on those who would bring them down—the pessimists who deplete others of their spirit and strength. Cutting negative people out of your life—even if they’re close to you—is often necessary to save your sense of positivity. In fact, you may have read these last few paragraphs and realized that you, too, might be one of those pessimistic people. We can help you with that. </p>
<p class="block_10">Instead of living in the echo chamber of naysayers, try to cultivate relationships with people who are more positive-minded. Exchange new ideas with each other and see if you can find a way forward together. Bit by bit, you’ll probably find that sourness fading away.</p>
<p class="block_10">You’ll come across other optimists since they’re naturally attracted to that kind of positivity. You’ll probably get so much assistance and inspiration that you’ll have no idea what to do with all of it. They’ll get back from you in turn, and it’ll be a virtuous circle instead of a vicious one. Before any of that happens, though, you’ll have to reduce or eliminate the time you spend with the negative crowd—the ones who irritate or frustrate you.</p>
<p class="block_10">As they say at the beginning of every baseball season, “This is a marathon—not a sprint.” Life is a series of miniature victories that compile over a period of time. When considering the meaning of your life, it’s good to take the long view: weeks, months, even years. Your emotions will likely level out and be more positive when you ponder the longer frames of time. Limiting your view to what’s happening right now tends to redouble the negative emotions you might be feeling.</p>
<p class="block_10">For example, if you’re starting a new business, you may be mired in certain steps you have to take to get rolling. You have to apply and wait for business licenses, figure out how you’re going to generate income, determine how you’re going to market yourself, and endure not getting a huge number of customers for a while. </p>
<p class="block_10">The “sprint” mindset would make you exhausted with all this activity and might make you question whether it’s really worth it. But the “marathon” mindset understands these are all necessary steps that almost every single business in the free market has had to go through. After you become successful, you’ll understand why it was worth it.</p>
<p class="block_10">Pay attention to how you’ve changed. Ask yourself what you’ve learned and in which areas you’ve gotten better. Write them down, record them, or just meditate on them when you’re going about your day. Like any skill or mindset, self-confidence is something you have to exercise, as much as you must work for physical fitness or developing a habit. When it gets to be a routine, you’ll be able to maintain it more easily over time. Noting your progress will feel like a normal thing you do every day.</p>
<p class="block_10">Another effective way to support this practice is to catalog your successes at the end of each day. Simply reflect and ask yourself, “What did I do well today?” All this does is fortify your optimism as a matter of daily practice. As your daily answers amass day by day and week by week, your self-confidence will only amplify and lay the groundwork for your success.</p>
<p class="block_10">Similarly, inject optimism at a higher level by commemorating improvement when it happens, even if the progress is small or others might consider it insignificant. If you’re trying to lose 50 pounds, take a victory lap if you’ve only managed to lose half a pound. Be grateful to yourself for making progress whenever you can.</p>
<p class="block_10">It’s easy to laugh off the idea of positive thinking and optimism as Pollyanna-ish, giddy cheerleading. (At least you’re laughing!) But there’s ample support for the notion that such adjustments can literally change one’s mentality, initiative, and even physical health. Not only that, but it’s astonishingly cost-effective. Smiles don’t cost anything, but they’re never cheap.</p>
<p class="block_10">Takeaways:</p>
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<li class="block_13">It is virtually impossible to be grateful and unhappy at the same time. Seek to inject this type of happiness into your daily life. Bad things happen every day, and yet some people are more resilient. This is because of gratitude and the power it has to eliminate negative thoughts.</li>
<li class="block_13">Gratitude has been shown to create a host of physical and psychological benefits. Those aren’t important; rather, it’s more important to understand how to show daily gratitude. You can do this by complimenting others, seeking perspective, asking what you can learn from setbacks or failures, and making a commitment to not complain or give voice to your negative thoughts.</li>
<li class="block_13">Optimism, even if you have to force it at first, has also shown a host of benefits. Smiling can literally change your body’s chemistry, and everything else about optimism can best be summed up as cultivating the habit of looking at the bright side of things. To stay positive, optimistic, and grateful, cut out negative people from your life, understand that life is a marathon, pay attention to your changes and improvements, and try to embrace a solution-oriented approach.</li>
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