Chapter Two

ZARA

 

In the time it took Angela to unload the children and get to the front door, both Renee and I were frantic with nerves. I was pacing. We didn't know whether to unload the kids or leave Angela to do it. There was a strange familiarity, in some ways – we would be the children's main parental figures from today. Then again, we had never met them and didn't want to overstep the boundaries. So we let Angela bring them to the front door. I looked at the twins, first – two gorgeous girls with dark hair and blue eyes. They certainly appeared to be identical. They were wearing the same grubby tracksuits, but one was in a pink tracksuit and the other in a lilac one. I realised at that moment that we didn't even know their names. I felt stupid standing there smiling at these two children, who had no clue who we were or where they were going, but I didn't know what else to do. Certainly saying “hello, I'm Zara, and who are you?” would seem crazy. I glanced then at the chubby baby in Angela's arms. He, too, was just gorgeous, in a bright blue tracksuit.

“Hi, I'm Angela,” she said, as she wrestled with a bag, a thick folder of papers and the baby.

“I'm Zara, this is Renee. Come in, can I help you with…?”

I trailed off as she nodded. “Here,” she said. I went to go for the folder, but Angela was handing the baby to me. I felt so nervous as I picked him up, and at that moment, I noticed Renee talking to the twins. “Come in, girls. I have some toys for you to play with,” she'd said, breaking her silence.

“What are their names?” I whispered to Angela. “I should have asked on the phone.”

“Hannah, Ruby, and Jacob,” Angela replied. She gestured toward the twin in the pink tracksuit. “Hannah's in the pink.” I crouched down next to the twins, still holding Jacob in my arms. “Hey,” I said, stupidly, smiling at them. They were both silent and looked miserable. “I'm Zara. You're going to stay with us for a while and play.” I handed Hannah a doll we had bought recently, as part of our home set up. “You can have this dolly if you like,” I said, in a hushed tone. Hannah looked down at the doll with orange hair, but she didn't take it from my hands. I then offered a teddy bear to Ruby. “Would you like this bear?” Just like her sister, Ruby didn't take the toy I offered, but she did look at me in the eyes. Renee looked sad at this exchange, so I gave her a reassuring smile. “Here,” I said to her. “Would you like to hold Jacob?” She nodded, but tears were welling up in her eyes. It was all so overwhelming, and the lack of instant connection would throw Renee. I'm sure she was expecting it to be like we'd known them forever.

We laid out some toys and games for the children and then I offered Angela a drink. After I'd made three coffees, I sat down, and I let out an audible sigh.

Angela gave me a half-smile. “It's tough. The first few days are tough,” she said sympathetically, then smiled a little brighter, in an attempt to reassure me.

“We need to find out about the children. What's the story, how long are they here?”

“There's not a great deal we can tell you at this point. The children went into care overnight. Their parents will have a series of appointments but will be entitled to contact visits at some point. Did you learn about the visits in training?”

Renee took a sip of her coffee. She swallowed loudly and asked, “How frequently will the contact visits occur?” We knew that visits would depend on the situation.

Angela shook her head. “We're not sure, at this stage. If the children are on short term orders, it's usually a couple of times a week. But Jacob is young, so that may actually be increased.”

“Increased?” Renee raised her eyebrows in surprise. If anything, we thought it would decrease. Angela didn't respond.

“And they're on short term orders?” I asked.

“Well, actually they're not on any orders right now. They're in crisis care, but the court is likely to give them short term orders. Then it will go to court again if we feel there's no chance of restoration with the family. So for now, you have them for a short time. My morning's been a bit rushed. I arrived into work and heard about the children, so got straight on the phone to you. I just wanted the kids to be settled, first of all. I haven't really had a lot of time and I'm not certain about the case. Normally I have a feeling which way it'll go, but right now, I have no idea. But you signed up to short or long term children, so I assume that's okay with you?”

I nodded, with some certainty. Renee, on the other hand, looked less certain. “I suppose so,” she spoke up. “I thought we'd have short term OR long term kids. I didn't realise it'd be completely up in the air like this.”

Angela sipped her coffee slowly and then added, “Yes, I understand. But children are often in uncertain cases like this. There's not much we can do. That’s foster care for you.”

“So, what's next?” I asked Angela.

“You love them like they’re yours, but realise they may not be,” she said, as if it were simple. “Just look after them, and I'll pop by in a week. If I hear anything more about the case, anything that's not confidential, I'll let you know.”

“But surely we need to know something about the case,” I said, confused, “in order to look after these little kids.” I glanced at the children, who were now happily playing with the toys we'd laid out.

Angela followed my gaze and then drained her coffee cup. Finally she spoke, “I understand that, but I'm afraid we have to keep some aspects of the case completely confidential. As I said, if I hear of anything that you need to know, I'll let you know. Otherwise, have fun, and I'll make a time to pop by next week.” Angela left some paperwork with us and packed up her belongings. She handed me her empty coffee mug. “It was lovely to meet you both. I think this will be a really positive placement for everyone. Thanks for doing this, we really appreciate it. And if you need us at all, please just call us.”

She closed the door behind her and suddenly, we were a family of five. For however long.

 

RENEE

 

As Angela left, I felt the tears spring up in my eyes again. “I don't know what we're doing,” I said to Zara.

“It's okay. These kids are adorable!” Zara paused then added, “Why don't we give them a bath? They're probably cold and exhausted.”

And dirty, I thought, looking at their tracksuits. I didn't say it, though. Instead, I offered to run the bath. I walked into the bathroom and put some warm water in the bath. Zara brought the children in, carrying Jacob with the twins following behind her. We still hadn't heard them talk and maybe they couldn't, I wasn't sure. After undressing the children, we put them into the bath. Zara sat with them, singing silly songs and playing with the toys, while I went to the wardrobes we'd pulled together during training. I found some clothes suitable for three-year-olds and felt grateful that we'd actually organised clothing for various age groups during our training. We didn’t have a lot, but we had enough. I then looked in the baby drawers and found some tracksuits that would be good for the baby. I heard Zara carrying on and sighed – she was being so good with them, so calm and relaxed. It made no sense. I was the one that was better with kids. I'd always wanted to be a mother, but Zara was less interested. And yet, here we were, and Zara was showing her motherly instincts already and I felt like a blubbering mess! I heard them giggling, so I rushed into the bathroom. Zara's antics had finally got the children to connect, on some level, with us. Sure, they weren't talking, but they were smiling and laughing. They looked comfortable. I felt so relieved, and I could tell Zara did too.

After the children's bath, we dressed them. I was worried we wouldn't be able to tell the twins apart. Luckily Zara had kept an eye on that in the bath, so again we dressed them in different colours. This time Ruby was in blue, rather than lilac, but we kept Hannah in pink. “Maybe we need a better strategy,” I suggested. “Until we get to know them.”

Zara looked excited. “I heard about nail polish on a toenail for one twin.” She raced to get red nail polish from the bathroom cabinet and pulled Ruby's sock off. “Ruby red,” she said as she pained Ruby's big toe. Ruby looked at us like we were mad and then looked over at her sister, probably expecting us to paint her big toe too. We didn't, so eventually Ruby looked away.

The day seemed to go so slowly, and when Jacob fell asleep in his cot, we decided the twins might have a nap too. We had no idea what their routine was, or if they even had one. Ruby cried and it was clear she didn't want to nap, but within minutes, they'd both fallen asleep.

“You were so good with them.”

“It's exhausting!” She stretched back. “But I was so pleased when they laughed.”

“Certainly somewhat reassuring that they don't see us as monsters!”

“I just feel worried they think it's because of us that they're not with their parents,” Zara mused.

I nodded in agreement. “Yeah,” I sighed. “We'll get there.”

Zara sat up straighter. “Maybe we should have your family over for dinner or just a play or something. Maybe having some other kids around wouldn't be so bad.”

“This afternoon though. That way we can all have an early night. We don't know whether these kids wake a million times a night.”

“Let's hope not! At least it's the weekend.”

 

MELISSA

 

I woke up when I heard David returning. I had fallen asleep on the kitchen floor. I jumped up and tried to pretend I hadn't just been asleep.

“So your kids get fuckin' taken from you and you have a little nap, huh?” he said to me.

“I didn't sleep well last night,” I protested. “And, anyway, where the hell have you been?”

“I've been busy. I had things to do. Why do you care anyway?” He shoved past me, and I rubbed my arm in response.

“It would have been nice to have some support, that's all,” I said to him.

He went to the fridge. “I'm grieving, too, Melissa. They're my kids too.” He picked up some cheese slices and ate one.

“Yes, exactly. So why don't we grieve together? Rather than you heading off to the pub or wherever the hell you've been!”

He shrugged his shoulders and shook his head at me. “We should go out tonight. Thommo and the boys are heading to the local.”

I’m sure I looked exasperated. “We've just had our kids taken away! Shouldn’t we stay home?”

He shook his head. “We'll be home next week, when we get the kids back. We may as well enjoy the free babysitting.” His laugh rang in my ears and I felt like whacking him over the head. I was furious. How on earth could he be so flippant about this?

“Next week? You're so convinced we'll get them back?”

“We've done nothing wrong, baby. Nothing. And they'll realise that.”

“They think we're unfit parents, David.” Tears welled up in my eyes. That stung, most of all because a big part of me believed it. No one had a baby setting out to be an unfit parent.

“Yeah, well, they don't know what goes on. We fuckin’ feed and dress those kids every day. Every fucking day, Melissa. They don't know anything,” he said, the anger clear in his voice.

I wish I was as angry as him about what they'd done. Instead, I felt like the worst person in the world. I knew we hadn't been perfect parents. Not all the time.

“Well, I don't care what you do. I'm partying tonight, mate!” he said. “No baby waking us up four times a night!” He said it as if it were a good thing, and for the first time since last night, I wondered if maybe it was. A weekend's break from the kids and then we'd get them back next week. Maybe the break would do us good, we really hadn't had a break for three years. I'd heard twins can cause great strain on a relationship and all those multiples web pages say you need extra support – we'd had no support. David was right, we should enjoy the break this weekend and get refreshed. Soon we'd have our children back. I wasn't one hundred percent convinced, but telling myself it was just a break allowed me to actually feel much better. Much more normal.

I wondered whether I should call Child Services to find out more. I sighed. What would they tell me? In the end, I did call and got passed from person to person, till finally they gave me a woman named Angela to talk to. “I'm the children's case worker,” she said.

“I've never met you, have I?” I asked. I ran through the people I'd met over the past few months, but I felt certain I hadn't met an Angela. My cousin’s name is Angela, so I was sure I'd remember.

“No, I just got involved in the case this morning.”

This morning! I rolled my eyes, another one butting in. “And where are my kids?” I asked.

“I've taken them to a foster home.”

“Where?” I persisted. Foster homes have so much stigma attached to them. My kids weren’t foster kids!

“I can't answer that, for confidentiality reasons.”

“They're MY kids!” I insisted. “I need to know where they are, for safety reasons.” Didn’t she understand the kids’ safety was my priority? She really didn’t get it.

“I can assure you the children are safe and being well looked after. The foster parents are very capable and well trained to look after your children,” Angela said.

I rolled my eyes, and we were both silent for what felt like a long time. “You would say that, though, wouldn't you? That they're capable. But unless I meet them, I don't know who the hell they are.”

“We've assessed them and made a decision about their capability on your behalf. Don’t worry.” Angela's sing-songy chirpy voice was really grating on me.

I wasn't in the mood to chat to some bimbo, pretending everything was okay. I grunted at her, because I simply had nothing to say. She was doing my head in. Silly bitch.

“We'll be in touch next week, Melissa. The courts will have to hear the case at some point to decide when you can visit the children.”

“Visit the children? You mean have them returned to us, surely?” I sounded indignant. Some of David's optimism had clearly rubbed off on me, and Angela really annoyed me which didn’t help.

“I don't know,” Angela confessed. “That's up to the courts to decide. For now, try to have a good weekend. Child services can offer counselling if you need it, but otherwise relax as much as you can. Rest up.” I could hear her stupid happy voice. Maybe she was trying to calm me down, but it made me hate her even more. Right now, I hated Angela, and I certainly hated the smug little family sitting in their home with my kids. I even hated David. Most of all, I hated being me.

I felt so horrible, I just wanted to rip my skin off.