Chapter Three

RENEE

 

The doorbell rang and my younger sister, Amber, breezed in, her two children following behind.

“Hey Aunty Renee,” my eight-year-old nephew, Tyson, said.

“Hey baby,” I kissed him, as he pulled away, no longer a fan of kisses from his aunty. I gave my five-year-old niece, Lucy, a quick kiss before she escaped to play with the toys on the lounge room floor.

Amber smiled. “I can't wait to meet these kids!”

I gestured toward the playroom. “They're in there.”

Amber walked toward the playroom and stood at the door, gazing happily at the children. Ruby looked quite startled at the interruption, while Hannah beamed up at her, grinning much wider than she had done for both Zara and me. “This is Hannah,” I pointed toward the twin in pink.

“Hey Hannah, I'm your Aunty Amber!” Amber sat down beside Hannah and played, while Ruby walked over to Jacob and sat with him, away from the new addition to the room.

“Hannah seems to like people more than Ruby,” I whispered to Amber.

She nodded and surveyed them as if they were a zoo exhibit. Finally she added, “Oh, it’s just a matter of time. Remember Lucy was funny with people, and now she’s so confident. And now you’ve started preschool, haven’t you, darling?” She grabbed Lucy by the waist and tickled her and kissed her. It was such a natural motherly move that I’d probably seen hundreds of times before, but suddenly I felt like I was seeing it for the first time. I was mentally taking note, thinking something like “so this is how parents act with their children” every time something of note happened. Amber continued, “Tell Aunty Renee all about your concert last night!”

Lucy started telling me about the song she’d sung during her preschool concert, but I wasn’t listening. I was looking at the children in the room and hoping that Amber was right, and Ruby would get comfortable; I just felt uneasy. We were strangers to her, but for now, at least, we were the only family she had. Jacob also seemed quite startled by the strangers around him, but Hannah was enjoying herself – the family show off, clearly.

“So that’s how you’ll do it?” Amber asked, looking at me.

“Sorry?” I hadn’t heard what she’d been saying, lost in my own thoughts.

“Zara will be ‘Mum’ for the month and then you’ll take over?” she asked.

“Well, yeah.” I screwed up my nose. “I guess so. They could even go back before I finish work. But I figure that since we got this placement so quickly, even if they go home, we’ll get another placement. Apparently there are tons of kids looking for homes.” I shook my head in sadness. “It’s awful, really, when you think about it. By me staying home, we can help out whenever we’re needed, but already I’m hopeful that these little guys will stay. But, you do know that we’re both mum, regardless of who is home and who isn’t?”

“Oh yeah,” Amber responded, breezily, whilst nodding.

Of course, I knew that, deep down, neither of us were mum. We were just strangers to these kids.

She then asked me what had happened to the children for them to be removed. We just didn’t have the answer to the question, and even if we did, we weren’t really able to tell anyone, due to case confidentiality. The children were entitled to privacy themselves, but there was no way you could say that to some people. Everyone assumed that you could tell ‘just them’ and although it was the first time I was being asked, I knew saying to my sister “I can’t tell you” wouldn’t be enough. Luckily the truth was we just didn’t know, so I told her that.

“They have to tell you something. You need to know.” We all agreed, so we sat in silence and looked at the children in what seemed like shock. Lucy had made her way over to Jacob and Ruby and was playing with them. Hannah had also joined them, while Tyson sat on the couch playing with his portable computer game. Amber gave me a curious look, reaching out to touch my leg. “I can’t believe you’re a mother! Finally!” She seemed so proud of me, and yet I didn’t feel like I’d done anything different today than I had done yesterday. I certainly didn’t feel like a mother, and I certainly didn’t feel like I had earnt that title. So, in response to her congratulatory enthusiasm, I simply shook my head. “I’m not really a mother yet. I mean, these kids could go home tomorrow. We just wait for a phone call and then this,” I gestured around the room, sadly, “This could be all over.”

 

ZARA

 

“Listen,” Renee said, as she pulled the doona up over us later that evening.

“What?” I creased my forehead in confusion. I couldn't hear anything.

“Silence, it's golden.” She stretched out and yawned. “It's been a long day.” She laughed. “At least we have the weekend. Monday, I have to go to work too!” I knew that Renee wasn't looking forward to heading to work, leaving her new little family.

“I can't believe we have kids,” I said to Renee. “The whole thing is crazy.” I thought about all the things we've done over the previous five years. I shook my head. “I mean, here we are, parents of three. It's the biggest thing we've ever done!”

Renee put her arm around my waist and sighed into my ear. “I'm a little nervous. I mean, you know I want to do it, but…remember in training they were going on and on about how we had case workers and counsellors and all these people to support us? Well, that Angela woman basically came, dropped the kids off and left. ‘See you in a week!’”

I pondered what she was saying. “Still, I can't help thinking it's better than the alternative,” I finally said.

“The alternative?” She frowned in confusion.

“Yeah, I was thinking that they'd be in our lives constantly. It's nice to think we can just be a little family. Get on with our lives.”

“Yes, but…” Renee looked around the room as she gathered her thoughts. “But it's not that, is it? We're not just a little family? I mean…well, they aren't our kids. Really, anyway. We don't know how long they're here for, we don't know when they're going to get visits with their parents. There's just so much confusion. It’s all a bit weird.”

I trailed my fingers up and down the hand that was wrapped around my waist and lay in silence. I didn’t know how to respond to her, there was nothing I could say to reassure her, because right now we knew nothing, and so I simply stayed with her, and let her be.

“Don't get me wrong,” Renee continued when I didn't respond. “I'm not having second thoughts, I'm not…” she choked the tears back. “But this is huge, really bloody huge.”

I gave her a half smile, getting a little teary myself. “We haven't had nine months to prepare, like most parents,” I said laughing, trying to relax her a little. The idea of nine months to prepare suddenly seemed so indulgent – what did parents do during that time to get them more comfortable by this point? I had no idea.

“Yeah, that’s true. And oh God, we have to meet the birth parents one day. I don't even want to. What if they have issues with lesbians? Or what if they're really angry that we're looking after their kids?”

I moved in and kissed her lips to silence her. “We'll take it as it comes, babe. Day at a time, don’t think about the future just yet. Maybe we can even be friends with the parents, like that woman we met in our training session who was friends with the birth mum.” Already I was thinking of the parents and wondering what had happened for them to lose their way, and how we could help.

Renee shook her head at me, clearly thinking I'd gone mad. “I doubt she's going to want to be our friend. The gays looking after her kids!” She laughed bitterly, rolling her eyes.

I shook my head. “It's not our fault, and we're doing a good thing. I don't see why she'd be upset with us. She’d probably be grateful, especially if we welcome her into our family.”

“You're so naïve,” Renee said, her forehead creasing. “Honestly!” She shook her head. “This woman is going to be lashing out at anyone she can. And we'll be right there in the firing line.” Renee was so nervous, but I guessed she had a point.

I nodded sadly. “I think I would lash out, if it was me. I feel sorry for the mum. And dad if he’s around.” I simply couldn't imagine going to bed without those kids tonight after giving birth to them and looking after them until this point.

Renee screwed her face up. “You'd feel sorry for someone that treated those kids badly? Those sweet kids!” She shook her head again. “I just wonder what happened to them.”

“Maybe she just didn’t know how to look after them,” I suggested. I wasn’t trying to be difficult, I just needed to know the situation. Although I acknowledged something must have happened to get to this point, I didn’t know what it was, and we didn’t know if it was the parents’ fault. I felt terrible for the kids – being taken to live with strangers – but I also worried about their family. So many people had had their lives disrupted today, us included, and it was a tragic situation, but certainly not one to be judged. Renee, however, felt a little differently.

“Yeah, well, then you get help,” Renee had protested. “They told us in training. There’s help available for parents. No, I honestly think they don’t deserve their kids, or else they wouldn’t have been taken. They don’t just take kids.” Renee was so certain, there was no gray area in her world view, but the way I saw it, anything could have happened.

I had hoped we’d be on the same page about all of this, but I was quickly realising that Renee thought I was too soft. “Maybe we’ll never know,” I said tearfully. I embraced her, but Renee rolled away from me.

“Let’s get some sleep,” she said. “Who knows whether the kids will be waking us tonight.”