Chapter Twelve

RENEE

 

The next day, I didn’t say a thing about it. Zara talked about the movie and the coffee shop they went to, and I didn’t say anything. She was going to Hong Kong the next day, and I didn’t want to start something that required a long in-depth conversation. Zara raced out to work to finalise a few things, and she was home to pick the girls up from school. We had a lovely family dinner and talked about Hong Kong. She didn’t once mention Sam, and that made me nervous – a few months ago it felt like she could talk about nothing but Sam, and now it had become a topic we didn’t even discuss. Still, by pushing it off the agenda we seemed happier.

“Will you see the Great Wall of China?” Ruby asked.

“No,” Hannah said, “She’s not going to China!”

“Is the Great Wall of China in China?” Ruby asked, and we all laughed.

That night in bed, she rolled over and kissed me. “I’m off to Hong Kong tomorrow,” she said.

“I know,” I recognised that this was her awkward way of propositioning me. “But I’m tired, and cold, and…”

“Say no more,” she said. “I get it.” She rolled away, and I felt awful.

The next morning, Jacob and I drove her to the airport. We kissed her goodbye, and she was on her way. I returned home to an empty house, and when Jacob was asleep for his nap, I pondered what to get up to for the week. I had a lunch time appointment the next day, mothers’ group on Thursday, some groceries to do. I texted Sienna to remind her that I was up for anything during the week. She replied with an invitation to drop by after school that afternoon. The girls were so excited when I told them that we were going to Angus’ house. We all walked over there from the school gate – I told Sienna I’d bring Angus, too, so she was home, baking us something yummy. We could smell it at soon as we got to the gate. “Chocolate cake!” Ruby exclaimed. “My favourite!” After eating chocolate cake and drinking juice, the children ran around the backyard playing.

“When does she land?” Sienna asked.

“About 10pm, I think, our time. Maybe even a bit later,” I replied.

“Oh, I’m never awake when Mark goes travelling for work and contacts me to say ‘landed’! Are you a night owl?

“No, I’ll be yawning by nine. I used to be, before kids, but these days…”

“It takes it out of you!” Sienna agreed, and as if to demonstrate, yawned. She laughed. “Look at me! 3.30pm and I’m ready for bed!”

★

On Thursday at mothers’ group, everyone enjoyed another of Sienna’s baked treats – this time a gorgeous banana cake with cream cheese icing. “Keep feeding me this stuff and I’ll balloon!” I laughed. I was still baking frequently, but I was confident my cakes were not as good as hers.

We sat in a circle in Charlotte’s backyard, while the children played. As we licked the cream cheese icing off our fingers, Monica excitedly told us she had news.

“You got a puppy?!” someone exclaimed, joking that Quinton always says “get a puppy” when Monica wants baby number two.

“No, but Quinton says we can start trying in September,” she said, laughing.

We all congratulated her and then someone asked, “Why September?”

“I have no idea, but hey, I’ll take it.”

We all laughed. “Fingers crossed,” I said.

“Oh, at least you’ll get some sex!” Caitlin said. “It’s been so long for me!” She pouted. “I’d be tempted to have another just for the sex! But I don’t particularly want number four, and I always say Zach and I are fertile mertiles…so it’d be once, and I’d be up the bloody duff!”

We all laughed. We all then discussed who wanted action more in each partnership. Charlotte said Dave wanted it more, Monica said it was pretty equal in their duo.

“Lucky you,” Caitlin said. “You’d be shagging all the time!”

Monica shook her head. “No, quite the opposite, but we’re both happy! There’s more to life!”

“I want it more,” Sienna said firmly. “Most of the time. Mark’s always so busy.”

“What happens with two chicks?” Caitlin asked. “Then again, there’s obviously no rule with men and women either.” She gestured around the women and their different stories.

“Zara’s a horn bag!” I laughed.

“Lucky you,” Caitlin said.

Monica laughed. “Caitlin’s a horn bag!”

Caitlin laughed and nodded, and I thought I wished I felt lucky, but actually it just felt like another chore right now. It wasn’t that I didn’t like it when we started, it was just that whole thing seemed like too much effort when I was exhausted. Actually, it sounded silly, but when I was a kid and mum would say “bath time,” I’d hate the fact that it put an end to whatever we were doing at the time. I’d hate that we had to stop, get undressed, and hop in the bath, but once I was in, I was relaxed and enjoyed the bath time, and playing with the bath toys. It was a silly analogy, but sometimes I felt the same about sex – the whole idea of sex was all too much to deal with, but once we started it was great, it was just that right now I had too much on my mind to even feel relaxed. Other times, Zara would annoy me and any thoughts about a bit of intimacy were out of the window for days. I wasn’t someone that could just switch into gear, unlike Zara. I needed to be in the right frame of mind.

“Let’s change the conversation,” Monica said, and I couldn’t agree more. “Let’s talk about something more interesting!”

“There’s nothing more interesting than sex,” Caitlin pronounced firmly. “I challenge you to think of something more interesting.”

“Religion,” Sienna joked.

“Nah, politics,” Charlotte laughed as she said it.

“Well, did you see the newspaper today?” Sienna asked, referring to a big debate that had occurred in Question Time this week. “Politics certainly can be interesting!”

Caitlin shook her head. “Nothing’s as interesting as who’s shagging who, how often, and…what they’re up to.”

“I don’t find sex an interesting topic at all,” Monica said, “and I think people should keep quiet about it.”

Caitlin turned serious, “I’m sorry, Mon. Did I offend you, talking about it?”

“Oh, no, not at all. I’m not that serious!” she said, “Honest. I just mean people in general shouldn’t talk about it. It’s private.”

“Anyway,” Caitlin added, clearly feeling bad, “I’m thrilled for you that you’re going to try for another baby.”

“Thanks, I can’t wait!”

“Better than a puppy,” I added, smiling. “Much better than a puppy!”

Caitlin then changed the topic. “So, Zara’s away? How’s she going in Hong Kong?” We then talked about Hong Kong and the travel places on our bucket lists.

“I don't really have a bucket list,” Sienna said. “I’ve travelled, but mostly it’s just places we decide to go to. I don’t necessarily have a list to tick off.”

“Me neither.” I shook my head. “And now with the kids, I’m not sure if I’ll ever travel again!’

“Why? Families travel with kids all the time,” Sienna said. “We took the kids to Singapore a couple of years ago.”

“Because we might not be able to get passports.” If Zara was here with me right now, I knew she’d say it was only a matter of time. She’s such an optimist, and I knew I had to think more positively, so I added, “maybe it’s just a matter of time, but I’m not convinced.”

“Would the parents have to approve the passports?” Monica asked.

“No, I think it would be Child Services, and the Courts, but it’d be a fight.” I sighed. “Nearly everything’s a fight,” I continued, confessing the most frustrating part of foster care for me.

“Are they that difficult?” Monica asked. I paused to think of my answer.

“No, I guess it’s not too bad, but it just seems there’s red tape around everything.”

“But gosh, they’re so worth it,” Sienna said, smiling at the kids playing. “Your kids are amazing.”

“We’re definitely lucky,” I agreed. “Very lucky.”

“I couldn’t do it,” Monica said, shaking her head, “and meeting you has convinced me!”

“Really?” Sienna asked, surprised. “Seeing Renee and Zara and the kids makes me more likely to do it than if I hadn’t seen it.”

Monica shook her head. “Imagine if after all of this,” she gestured to the kids playing, “they had to go.”

“It’s unlikely,” I said. “Very unlikely, they tell us.” I didn’t want to share my own doubts with the group.

Monica shook her head. “Unlikely isn’t enough. I need certainty.” She screwed her face up in an attempt to look apologetic. I’d always liked Monica, but in that moment, I thought she was being a little heartless. Why was she trying to make me anxious about my children, I wondered? I was anxious enough on my own.

★

As we were packing up to leave, I said to Sienna, “Four more days till Zara’s home. If you’re free one night, come over for dinner. Maybe bring the kids for an early one, or come solo if Mark will have the kids.” Some adult company would be nice.

“How about tomorrow night? I’ll confirm with Mark, but I’m sure it’s okay. A solo night sounds like bliss.”

“Sounds good. I can do soup…oh, soup’s boring. I could do soup as a starter and a nice pasta dish. You like pasta, don’t you?”

“You have a spare room, don’t you?” she asked.

“Are you thinking of boozing it up?” I asked.

“Why not? What do you think?”

“Yes, let’s do it. If Mark’s happy,” I agreed.

She said she’d prefer not walking home late at night and didn’t think a taxi would go such a short distance. I agreed, and it had been ages since I’d had a big night, so I thought it could be fun too.

★

The next evening, I first prepared dinner for the kids. “How come you aren’t eating with us?” Hannah asked.

“Because a friend is coming over,” I said. “Angus, Olive and Isla’s mum.”

“The kids are coming over?” Ruby asked.

“No, just their mum. Now hop out of the kitchen, please. I’ll call you when dinner’s ready.”

“Mama Zara’s kitchen is open to the kids!” Ruby announced.

“And Mum’s kitchen isn’t.” I smiled, a little apologetically, but there was nothing that seemed worse to me than little people under my feet while trying to get things done. Everyone would be happiest if the kids were playing.

I boiled up some pasta and made a bolognaise sauce with hidden vegies for the kids. I set them up at the table and while they ate, I pulled out the ingredients for Sienna and my dinner. I’d already put soup on in the slow cooker in the morning, so I glanced at my recipe, and put the pot of water on to boil. I was making a ravioli in a pesto cream sauce, and I was a little nervous about the timing for the cream. I decided to have all the components ready, but would cook it once Sienna arrived, so it didn’t split. I then mixed up the ingredients for dessert, and popped that aside, also planning to bake it once Sienna arrived.

★

After dinner, I did the bath time and tooth brushing routine, which always runs a little smoother when I have Zara as a helping hand. We generally tried to do pyjamas before dinner, but I just couldn’t get it done that night. I thought that my life is sometimes like that time management question you get on time management courses where the doorbell’s ringing, the phone’s ringing, the baby’s crying, the kettle’s boiling and you have to decide what to do first. Between the gourmet meal I was trying to cook, the dinner for the children, a quick chat with Zara, bath time, pyjamas, and dealing with the energetic children, I felt like my time management juggling was really put to the test. I sighed, knowing that once the children were in bed, I would be able to relax a little more. Sometimes it just felt like waiting for the hours to tick by.

★

An hour later and three bedtime stories later, the kids were in bed and not long after that, the doorbell rang.

“Hey.” Sienna breezed in, kissing me on the cheek. “Oh, this all smells amazing!” she announced and straight away I dished up the soup with crusty bread, while she put her bag in the spare room.

“Oh, wow,” Sienna said as she took her first mouthful. “This soup is beautiful.”

I’d made a potato and leek soup, and combined with the crusty bread, it was a nice start to the evening. “Thank you!” I said. “Honestly it’s just nice to eat without having to wipe someone’s face!”

“You haven’t seen me eat pasta yet,” Sienna laughed.

“Speaking of pasta, I better finalise the sauce!”

“Oh, I’m already so full!” she said, but followed me into the kitchen. We chatted about the kids and then Mark and Zara. “Have you heard from her?” she asked me.

“We Skyped this afternoon actually. The kids love it!”

“Skype’s great. I can’t believe how easy it makes business travel.”

“Did you tell Mark whose house you were staying at?” I laughed.

“Yes, of course. He’s fine about it now that he’s met you.”

“Yeah, I told Zara. I can’t say I’d be as easy going if she had a friend stay, given her choice in friends…”

“Sam?”

I screwed my face up. “Yes, Sam. Though she said tonight she’s texting old friends, so I’m not sure what that’s about, but hopefully it’s for good not evil!” I laughed. “Actually, I think she has a crush on Sam.”

“Really? Not just enjoying the attention?”

“Well, I thought that at first, and that’s what she says, but I actually think it’s a bit of both. It’s awful.”

Sienna looked sad for me.

“Oh, it’s okay,” I said. “It’ll work out some way or other.” I wasn’t as confident as I tried to sound, and I’m sure Sienna realised that.

I’d had girlfriends cheat on me in the past, and that was awful, but this was different. I was devastated about the possibility that she might be attracted to someone else, but felt confident that she seemed to be trying to make ‘us’ better. The sauce was starting to bubble, so I declared it ready, and we sat down with white wine and the creamy pesto ravioli.

“Oh my goodness, you’re such a great cook,” she said, as she took a mouthful of the pasta.

I was embarrassed. “Truth is I worked really hard, because every week you’re wowing us with your beautiful cakes and biscuits.”

She laughed. “I can bake, but I can’t cook gourmet meals. Baked beans on toast for the third night of the week!”

“Somehow I don’t believe you.”

“Besides,” she added, “you’re pretty good at wowing us with baked goods too.”

By the second bottle of wine, we were feeling it. I managed to put the sticky date pudding muffins in the oven and they came out perfectly.

“Three beautiful courses!” Sienna exclaimed. “A toast!” she exclaimed.

I sat back and thought how relaxing the evening was.

 

ZARA

 

The moment I got on the plane for Hong Kong, I felt both a sense of calm and a sense of loneliness. I had deliberately arrived at the airport early, but then my plane was delayed, so I ended up with over three hours to myself, and that gave me plenty of thinking time before I even boarded the flight. I did love travelling alone. I landed in Hong Kong and was struck by all the lights of the busy city. I was excited to get to work the next day, but for now, a nice dinner out. The first few days of work were busy, and I enjoyed breaking up the research meetings with lovely meals – sometimes we even had our meetings over lovely meals. The food was to die for, from the cheap $4 meals through to the more expensive meals at fancy restaurants. It was nice to have some separation from the routine of kids, and baths and stories and school drop offs, but I felt guilty for thinking like that. I knew that Renee never really got a break. We had to try to think of a way to give her a break, and I half wondered if she and Sienna could go away for a weekend or something.

Every time I thought of Sienna and Renee, I felt envious that Renee had found someone who was such a close friend. Sometimes I told myself I had that in Sam, and other times I realised I was kidding myself. Sam, though an important part of my life, was more of a problem for my relationship with Renee than anything else. The time away showed me how much I missed Renee. I knew we had a good thing, and I felt fortunate that I had such an amazing woman at home, making our home life run smoothly.

The time away gave me the clarity to realise that I didn’t need Sam, but I did need a friend. I spent my spare time in Hong Kong texting people such as friends through work and old friends I hadn’t seen in a while. I said it had been a long time since we caught up and suggested a coffee when I got back. I got lots of enthusiastic invitations in return. I was proud of my efforts. Once I’d exhausted my contact list and filled my calendar, I had plenty of coffees, movies and dinners out lined up, which I was looking forward to. However, as I sat at the restaurant on my last evening in Hong Kong, I felt uneasy about all these outings: because it would mean even more alone time for Renee. I needed it, but it was the ongoing tension, having a partner at home full time with the kids. Although I went to work each day, I also needed ‘me time’ and in some ways it was harder. To say to Renee “thanks for having the kids all day, and now I’m going out tonight” felt wrong, but I knew I needed to find a way to get ‘me time’, otherwise it meant just putting my life on hold. I missed seeing movies, seeing friends, and just having time out to make me a more interesting person. And so I sat there, reading my book and vowing to make ‘me time’ happen more for the two of us. It would be good for both of us, both as a couple and as two individuals. Giving me that time would allow me to fulfil my own desires in life, and ensure we could be more relaxed too. Tugging at my heart, however, was the sense that this was merely increasing the separation between us, if we went our separate ways more frequently than we had. Deep down, I also knew that I had to seriously think about whether my friendship with Sam was worthwhile. I’d been toying with this decision for so long now, and my objective was happiness, but also ensuring that Renee and I got back on track. I knew Sam would want that for us too.

When I returned to my hotel room that evening, I wrote a message to Sam. I told her that for now I was too busy to catch up, but I’d stay in touch. I decided that one day we might be friends again. I wasn’t sure, but I knew that, for now, our friendship was too dangerous.

 

RENEE

 

When I was a child, I never felt particularly girly. While the kids around me dreamt about their wedding days and boyfriends, I knew I didn’t fit in. And in high school I realised I was gay and most of my friends were guys or gay girls. I tended to fit in best with people like that and never had anything in common with girly girls. Someone like Sienna, I’d have run a mile from in high school. For starters, she’s so girly so I would have wrongly assumed we had nothing in common. Secondly, she is so beautiful and so very straight. Those women were dangerous. I used to distance myself from those people. But once we became parents, I could connect with Sienna on a different level – it wasn’t so much about the two of us, but more about being mothers. Except that tonight, as we sat toasting our wine, I recognised our friendship was about the two of us, and so many things connected us as friends, our children being just one part of our friendship. Although we wouldn’t have become friends without the children, it had become so much more than that, it was a genuine friendship between two women. We liked each other, not just because we had kids the same age. The kids were happy to play together, but most of our conversations were two friends conversing about things we wanted to talk about and that extended far beyond just the children. It was remarkable that through my lifecycle stage, and hers, through the very age of the children we had, we had become friends. Had I started parenting a year earlier or later or had I joined the more structured play group, I may never have met Sienna. We really do meet people for a reason. We just clicked, even though I’d never have pictured it.

★

We spent the evening tipsy and laughing. We were both yawning by the time I walked her to the guest room and handed her a fluffy pink towel.

She held it while she chatted. “Perhaps we should go for brunch in the morning?” she asked.

“Of course, we’ll have my kids,” I said, and she nodded in return.

“Yeah. I nearly forgot.” She smiled apologetically, and then added, “tonight kind of felt…well, like life pre-kids,” she said wistfully.

I completely agreed. It had been one of those heart-warming catch ups that reminds you that, despite it all, deep down, you’re still you.

“Kids were always my dream, and already I’m wistful for the days pre-kids,” I laughed. I loved parenting, but there was something about doing something just for yourself that made me happy. “I could make pancakes,” I said, suddenly thinking of breakfast again.

“Pancakes sound wonderful. This was all so wonderful,” she said, looking at me, and then she stepped toward me. I didn’t expect it, but as soon as she held me by the arms, I realised what she was about to do. Her lips were incredibly soft, her kiss was so gentle, I almost wondered if it were really happening. In the first instant, I did not stop her, but instead I let her kiss me while planning my next move. I broke away and said “no, no”, which I’m proud of, but my next move was not one I’m so proud of. At that moment, I took over, and kissed her more forcefully. I’m much broader than her, and I put my arms around her petite shoulders and pulled her in close to me. I closed my eyes and let my body take over. She tasted sweet, probably from the sweet wine she was drinking. The kiss felt nice and I felt lost for what felt like minutes, but was probably just seconds. I forgot Zara and forgot that anything I was doing was wrong. I silently calculated how far to take this. No one would ever know.

What was I doing? This wasn’t me at all!

My senses returned, and I pulled her away from me. She looked up at me, her eyes glazed over and suddenly I realised how drunk she was. “Sienna, you need to go to bed,” I said, steering her by the shoulders toward the bed.

She laughed. “I’ve been wanting to do that for a while,” she said, smiling cheekily.

“No,” I shook my head. “No, no, no, no, no, you haven’t.” In that moment, I worried she had made our friendship awkward, and I really wanted to convince myself it was merely a drunken mistake.

She nodded, a glint in her eye. “I really have,” she laughed.

I didn’t dare ask her if she’d imagined anything else, and instead I shut the door to the guest room and stood silently outside her door, as if too confused to walk away. Finally I made my way to my bed. To the bed I shared with my partner. And there I lay bewildered.

It was both comedic and alarming how swiftly things can change.

“Shit!” I thought. “This complicates things.” I had just been thinking how happy I was to have found a new best friend, a best friend that understood me in a way Sam no longer did. And yet, here we were – at this point. How did this happen? And what did I want to do about it?

I’m only human, and right then, a huge part of me wanted to climb into the bed next to her, to continue where we left off. Another part of me wanted to send her home, immediately, to Mark. To somehow transport Zara back to the bed beside me. A final part of me just wanted to savour all it had been and all it would ever be.

I didn’t know whether we would discuss it, or what we would even say. I didn’t know if Sienna would be embarrassed, or, as she’d indicated, whether it was just something she’d wanted to try. Could I just have been any willing female? Was I willing, or had she just planted her lips on me? And, right then, I wondered if we could even stay friends, or whether it was fair to Zara that we try. Perhaps we should just end the friendship there.

The worst part was that I had judged Zara and Sam for their friendship, when ultimately it was me who’d done wrong by the two of us. Zara and Sam had been completely innocent, but I had just cheated on her. I tried to sleep, but it was pointless and so in that moment I knew I had to do the right thing. I had to tell Zara. I picked up my phone and sent her a text. I decided not to tell her in the first text, but to start a conversation, asking how things were going. She replied almost instantly.

“Wow, you’re up late! Just back to the hotel after dinner and stroll by the Harbour. Been reading a great novel, you’ll have to read it when I get back. Missing you so much. I love you x!”

I stretched my legs out and stared at the phone screen.

“Oh, the book sounds good,” I replied, shaking my head. Gutless, I thought, but I didn’t know how to break the news to her, particularly when she was overseas, alone. I’d tackle it when she got back. The buzz of a reply broke my thoughts.

“Yeah, I hope you and Sienna had a good night. Miss you x”

“Yes, we had a lovely dinner, she thought my cooking was great. Miss you too x”

“You’ll have to cook it for me!” I had gone through the menu with her over Skype earlier that day, and she had thought it all sounded good.

“Of course, baby x” I said and put my phone away.

★

I tossed and turned all night, and by early in the morning, I’d started to wonder if it had even happened, or if somehow in my exhaustion I’d imagined the whole thing. The anxiety I was feeling was definitely real, I had a ball of tension in my stomach. There was no point even trying to sleep, but somehow I managed to doze off. I woke early, to the sounds of the kids. Still in my pyjamas, I rushed them to the lounge room, to give Sienna an opportunity for a sleep in.

About forty minutes later, I was cooking breakfast when she came out in a red dress. Her red hair was wet – she’d clearly just been in the shower. She yawned and tousled her hair in an attempt to air dry it. “Hey,” she said, and sat down with the twins who were playing Barbie Dolls. She joined in, lazily picking up a spare Barbie and talking to the girls’ Barbies. I smiled from the kitchen.

“Pancakes are nearly ready!”

I thought that the picture in front of us was that of any normal family. If I were to compare Zara and Sienna, and I knew in that moment I shouldn’t, I realised Zara was much stronger and more assertive. Zara didn't need anything, she had it all under control. Sienna had a more vulnerable side, a need for support. Zara had a big personality and created the presence in the room, while Sienna complimented the presence in the room. Part of me craved a presence that complimented me, but I knew I was attracted to Zara’s strong personality. It was just that sometimes, particularly once we started parenting together, we butted horns. Our strong personalities worked well together, and now, as we made decisions every day about our kids and discipline and activities, I sometimes craved a more agreeable partner. Wouldn’t it be nice if I said “this is my idea” and she just agreed with me, rather than telling me reasons that we could do it another way? Or would I get bored by that? I shook my head and looked at the kids playing with Sienna.

“You’re quiet this morning,” Sienna said and blushed. “Is everything okay?”

I nodded but didn’t say anything.

“I’m so sorry. It was stupid,” Sienna said. She shook her head. “Just one of those things to tick off the bucket list. I guess I got wrapped up in that pre-kid feeling we shared, and…It just happened. It seemed like something to try,” she laughed, nervously. “Very foolish, though, and I’m sorry.” She looked guilty, but I was too annoyed with her for putting me in this position to tell her it was okay.

My eyes glazed over. “I don’t love experimentation.” I’d been hurt by it in the past, and now I was being hurt again, but so were Zara and Mark through the process.

“I know, and I’m so sorry. It really was…stupid. Can we just go back to normal?”

“I guess we can try.” Secretly, I didn’t know how.