Chapter Fourteen

MELISSA

 

Court kept getting delayed, due to the judge’s availability. They wanted the same judge who had seen us the whole way through. Finally, it was the day. I sat there in the court while some awful judge and the lawyers pulled David and me apart. Assholes.

I hadn’t actually seen David in months. I was shocked when he walked into the court, and then he sat next to me and he grabbed my hand, holding it the whole way through. I smiled at him. He always came through for me in the end. He even wore a button up shirt, and he looked good, but I wished he’d worn a jacket too. The lawyer said we had been given enough chances and hadn’t proven ourselves, that we had heaps of time to work it out. Now it was time the children received stability. Like stability mattered to them when they took them! They rattled off the visits I’d missed, the times I’d been out of contact, the attempts at rehab I hadn’t completed, the counsellor appointments I hadn’t gone to, blah blah blah – but no one understood how stupid rehab was. It never worked, I had tried it before. David was pissed off with me that I’d missed visits, but, hell, at least I’d attended visits, he hadn’t even bothered to see our children once since they were removed, saying he’d see them when they were living with us. How dare he judge me? I told him to keep his opinion to himself about that. I was a good mum, and I was doing the best I could.

Suddenly the judges were discussing contact schedules with us and David was given a chance to see the children four times a year, an offer he quickly accepted, which really surprised me. We were given an invitation to have contact together, or separately, and I said I would let them know. I needed to see how David and I went before saying.

I was in shock. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t look at anyone. I stared down at my hands. I didn’t want to see my children four times a year, I wanted to see them every day. How could they do this to me? I didn’t understand it at all. I couldn’t understand why they felt we weren’t worthy. We were the best for the kids, we knew that. We were simply doing our best.

I let out a wail. People turned and looked, and then they looked away. They didn’t want to see me upset. They didn’t want to see how they’d ruined me.

You know, deep down, I knew my kids would be okay. I was pretty sure now that I had met Zara, and that’s what hurt the most. They would be okay without me. It killed me to even think about it.

If I was happy for anything, it was that the kids were still so young. They’d bounce back and see their two new mums as their mums. This both seriously angered me, and also made me relieved that my children would know the love of a good family. I wanted the best for them as much as it broke my heart.

They’d never move from home to home, and they’d never question that they had parents who loved them. Hopefully they’d understand they had four parents who loved them – three loving mothers and a loving father. I hated it, but it was true, and it was best for the kids. And those carers would be at home having a party that they were now a real family. I hated it.

The tears now trickled down my cheeks. I was moments away from really losing it.

The fact that my children would bounce back broke my heart to pieces. The fact that I was apparently not enough for my children broke my heart. The fact that Kate was sitting there looking all efficient, like a job was well done, devastated every single inch of my body.

She didn’t understand.

She was a silly bitch who had no idea that her workplace had pulled a family apart. If I had the energy, I would have completely hated her, but I just pitied her. How could she do this to me? She was killing me.

But I was resilient.

My heart was breaking, but it wasn’t the first time.

I knew that somehow I’d survive.

I always did, somehow…

 

ZARA

 

“I feel so awful,” I said to Renee after Kate had rung us and told us the news. I had a pit in my stomach. I felt both relieved and like the worst person in the world. “Obviously I want these kids for life, they’re our children, but I can’t help imagining how Melissa is feeling today.” I started to get teary as I talked.

“I can’t imagine the alternative, and all this time I’ve been so hopeful that they’d be declared ours, but now that’s it’s happened…Well, it’s kind of bittersweet, isn’t it?” Renee said. We both stared at each other, listless, surprised at what a hollow feeling our victory was.

“Particularly having met her now,” I added, “she’s someone I know now, and I just feel awful for her. She’s not a bad woman. I mean I can’t begin to imagine them leaving us now, it would kill me, but shit, this is just so tragic. That poor woman.”

“And David,” Renee added, and I nodded, though I hadn’t really thought about him for some reason. I hadn’t even met him yet. Maybe I never would.

The whole thing was impossible to consider – the right and the wrong, who the best family were for these children both today and in the long term. The loss that either set of parents had to endure, regardless of the outcome, would be unbearable.

“What’s best for the kids? I feel so heartbroken, and yet so happy. So relieved.”

“These kids, they deserve the best life they can have. Without risk. We need to prepare them for adulthood and give them the opportunities to prosper. The judge has decided that their birth parents can’t provide that, but I’m certainly not celebrating the way I thought I would be,” Renee said. “But we’ll be the best damn parents we can be. That’s all we can do.” She kissed me. “I love you.”

I smiled and nodded. “I love you too.” I sighed and picked up my phone and started scrolling through my contact list. “I think we need to skip cooking tonight and order pizzas. I don’t know about you, but I just can’t focus on anything tonight.”

 

RENEE

 

A week later, we went on our date, after Amber volunteered to have the children sleep over at her house. Hannah and Ruby were very excited, Jacob was a lot more anxious, but Amber texted half an hour after we left to say that he had settled in well. We excitedly went through the menu at the cinemas, making the most of the waiter service that delivered meals to you while you reclined your seat back at the cinemas. As the movie finished, we put our footrests down and got up to leave.

“Want a coffee?” Zara asked, and we made our way to the chocolate café near the cinema, deciding to make the most of our child-free evening. We laughed about how we were off to a chocolate café rather than a bar, but somehow late nights and boozing it up didn’t seem too attractive when we were no longer getting as much sleep as we were used to. Zara, ever the entertainer, told several work stories and silly stories about the children, and I laughed over and over. Her animation and silliness reminded me of why I’d fallen in love with her in the first place and we went home and took advantage of being alone in the house overnight.

I still felt horrible for betraying her with Sienna, even as fleeting as it had been. Zara had noticed that I hadn’t spent much time with Sienna lately, and she was anxious that it was a sign of depression or something. She wanted me to spend more time with my friends. Although she didn’t know it, she was alleviating my guilt about the whole thing, and her unknowing permission meant that on Sunday I texted Sienna and invited her over to morning tea the following day. I’d only have Jacob at home with me, and she’d only have her baby too. Sienna agreed to come over straight after school drop off, so on Sunday afternoon I baked a caramel cheesecake for the following day, and also cooked a few meals for the week.

The next morning, I woke looking forward to seeing Sienna. We waved hello at the school, and then I raced home to put the coffee pot on before Sienna arrived minutes later.

“Long time, no see,” she said, looking a little embarrassed. Since the sleepover weeks earlier, we’d only waved at the school, barely saying hello to each other.

I just looked awkwardly at her. I didn’t know how to tackle the conversation, so I left it to her.

“I’m so sorry,” she said, shaking her head. “I feel like I ruined everything. We had such a good friendship.”

“We still do, I just got scared,” I said. It was stupid, because I knew it was a drunken experimental mistake and I could tell that Sienna wasn’t pining for a romance with me, so not seeing her was simply punishing us both. I cut generous portions of cheesecake and put them on a plate, and then made up bowls of biscuits and grapes for the children. I handed the food out as Sienna continued talking about what she’d been up to. We sat down with a cup of coffee each and our cheesecakes.

“The thing is,” she said and then hesitated, “well, I told Mark what happened.”

I was shocked and stared at her, speechless, but wanted to clarify. “You told him we kissed?” She nodded awkwardly, and I rose my eyebrows. “Why?” I asked, shock and disapproval evident in my tone.

The answer didn’t come immediately, instead Sienna shook her head and shrugged her shoulders. In a small voice, she finally replied, “I told you I felt awful. I have two best friends – you and him. I’d betrayed him and I’d lost you. I didn’t know what to do, so I talked to him.”

“Is he angry?” I asked quietly.

She shook her head. “No, not really.”

I asked for further information, so she explained, “He was furious at first, he kept saying he knew all along that there was something between us. And the silly thing is that there isn’t and there wasn’t, and we were just friends, and although I think you’re gorgeous, I’m not gay or bisexual or anything, and though I was curious, it wasn’t about you. To be honest, the moment I kissed you, I realised that. I’m curious about how it is for you and Zara, how it would be to live with another woman, and it was something I wanted to try, but I shouldn’t have tried it with you. I’m sorry, it was stupid, and it felt wrong, rather than enjoyable.”

I laughed. “Felt pretty enjoyable to me! Wrong, but enjoyable to me.”

“But that’s exactly the problem. I’m screwing with your emotions, and Mark’s and for no reason at all. It’s like you said the next day about not liking experimentation, that’s exactly what it was, and it was stupid.”

“It was stupid, and I’m also not attracted to you, so I know what you mean. I mean, you’re gorgeous, and you’re fabulous, but we’re not the right couple, and I’m certainly not interested in converting a straight girl,” I laughed. “The kiss felt good because any drunken kiss can feel good, but that doesn’t mean we’re going to run off and get married.”

She smiled, the smile reaching her eyes. “Yes, and Mark realises that, but we had many fights before he got to that realisation. He was angry and scared that the next time we’d be together something would happen between us, something more than a kiss too. He threatened to tell Zara too.”

Oh shit, Zara.

“I haven’t told Zara,” I said, panicking. “I was going to, but I figured it would only hurt her and it really meant nothing. I didn’t want to upset her for no reason.”

Sienna nodded. “I can’t tell you what to do, but it was eating me up inside, so I told him. I guess it depends on how you’re feeling. Mark won’t tell her now.”

I felt awful, and the feeling that I’d betrayed everything we stood for hit me again. I decided not to say anything just yet, and instead I thought about it for a week. The following Sunday night we fed the children and put them into bed and then got a late dinner of Chinese food delivered – a little in home date night. We sat at the table and talked. After we’d finished eating, I cleared the plates and then I braved the topic and started talking. I told her what had happened, I told her I loved her so much, I told her I was truly sorry, I told her it meant nothing, and I told her that nothing would ever happen again, I promised her. She stayed silent the whole time and the pain on her face was exactly the pain I had been trying to avoid, so then I told her that I’d tried to spare her the pain, and then she erupted and everything I copped, I know I deserved.

 

ZARA

 

“What the fuck?” I screamed. “What do you mean it meant nothing?” I laughed in disgust, shaking my head. “Isn’t that what every God-damn cheater says?” I stood up and started pacing near the table. Renee was anxious I would wake the children who were sleeping nearby, but even when she warned me and shushed me, I didn’t care. I was furious that she’d betrayed what we had and right then I didn’t really care about staying quiet.

“You’ve never cared about me,” I shrieked, started to get hysterical, “I always knew it, and this whole time you’ve wanted Sienna.” I shook my head. “Well, I don’t care, it doesn’t upset me! You and Sienna can go and move in together, with your six children. A perfect little lesbian Brady Bunch!” I was so furious that I was saying things I didn’t even mean now, but I was on a roll with my ranting and there was no stopping me. In fact, I didn’t even feel like I was present for the conversation – I was so furious that things were just rolling off my tongue and I felt like I was simply a spectator to my rant. For the next five minutes I ranted about everything from how disrespectful she was, how she’d never cheated on anyone before now, so I obviously meant nothing to her and finally how Sienna had hidden her interest in Renee well.

To her credit, Renee mostly copped my ranting, just standing there in silence, but finally she interrupted me, tears streaming down her face. “Sienna wasn’t hiding any interest, babe, because she wasn’t interested. I promise you it was simply a drunken mistake. She was just experimenting. We’re just friends, I promise you!”

This infuriated me more, somehow. I marched into the bedroom and pulled a bag out of my wardrobe. I threw some jeans and a T-shirt into the bag, put my hands on my hips and looked at her. In a moment of calm clarity, I raised my voice and said, “A mistake? A mistake is writing last year’s year instead of this year’s on a form. A mistake is leaving your groceries at the shop. A mistake is ringing someone and wishing them a happy birthday a day late. A mistake is not sticking your tongue down your best friend’s throat. ‘Ooops, I slipped, what a mistake!’” I mimicked and then shook my head. “If you make mistakes like that, maybe you shouldn’t even leave the house! You never know what might happen!” I glared at her while making a production out of picking up my bag. “And,” I added, “I will never understand why you were best friends with a gorgeous lesbian and nothing happened but you pick a straight chick and hit on her!”

Now she fought back. “I didn’t hit on her, I didn’t even kiss her. She kissed me!”

I nodded, “and you pushed her away?” I looked pointedly at her.

“Initially, I did,” she blushed.

“Initially. Oh, and I was in Hong Kong, and you had your little girly sleep over, with no one to know exactly how far it went. Was she good in bed?” I asked, raising my eyebrows again.

She protested, shaking her head and begging me to believe her. “I promise it was just a kiss. I didn’t even need to tell you, but I wanted to.”

“Piss off, Renee,” I said, and grabbed my car keys.

★

Sunday nights had always been special for me. The calm before the storm. As a child, we rarely went out on Sunday nights, so I had my own little routine. I’d shower before 5pm, then spend an hour in my room, either planning my week, listening to music or reading. Mum would cook dinner, and we’d sit down to eat by about 6pm, and then by 6.30pm, my siblings and I would sit in the kids’ TV room and watch TV, from Young Talent Time through to the Muppets and then when we got older we’d watch movies and then TV dramas. My mum would freeze sandwiches for the week on Sundays and my Dad would polish his work shoes and all the kids’ school shoes. It seemed that everyone had their own Sunday night routine. My Sunday night rituals never changed, even if the TV shows did. Even once I moved out of home, I still liked a nice relaxing dinner, a warm bath or shower, and I still liked a good evening of TV on a Sunday. Sunday nights were a precious commodity to me, there was something so special about them, the last chance to really relax. They came around too slowly and went by all too quickly. I cherished them. So as much as I angry with her for betraying us, I was also angry with her for ruining my Sunday night.

★

I got in the car, with my little bag beside me and wondered where to go. I could sleep on my office floor, I thought, or I could turn up on Sam and Debbie’s doorstep. No, that was crazy. I hadn’t caught up with Sam since Hong Kong. Besides, I really needed to be alone, so I drove through a McDonalds drive-thru, bought a drink and then drove to my office, because it felt safe and familiar, even at night. I sat alone in my work carpark sipping my drink, crying, and thinking about where we’d gone off track. The tears were just wetting my face, but they weren’t rolling down my cheeks, my chin was quivering, and I couldn’t understand why she hadn’t told me when I’d opened my heart to her about the Sam situation. I was furious with her. I ranted to myself, I cried I even laughed, I felt alone, I felt crazy and suddenly, I felt empowered. It was a contradiction of emotions. I felt like my heart was breaking for what we had and at the same time I felt empowered for the future. I could use this as a motivation to change things – one way or another. I knew that right now, as miserable as I was, I would never be this miserable again!

It was like at the same time my heart was breaking, my soul was mending.

In that moment, it was clear to me. I needed to leave Renee. We could put the house on the market now, and sell it before the weather got too cold, the house was never as comfortable in the Winter. But it was already turning cold, so maybe we could wait until the Spring. I had to think. With the proceeds of the house, we could each get a mortgage on a little three-bedroom house, and we’d need to share custody. It would work out.

I calmed down, and now that I had a plan, I felt a lot better about things. I thought about sleeping on my hard office floor, and not being able to shower in the morning. I thought about Renee snuggling into our warm bed. Why should I be punished because she cheated on me? I put the key into the ignition and drove home, cursing her the whole way.

When I walked into the bedroom, I threw my things down, put my pyjamas on and spat out “do not talk to me tonight, I’m here simply to sleep,” and somehow I did.

★

I woke up with a pit in my stomach. Had I imagined what Renee had told me? I knew I hadn’t, but I had hoped it was simply a bad dream. I was going to leave her over this, I’d decided last night, but now, in the light of day, I pondered: Was I being too rash? Was this really worth ending an otherwise good six-year relationship over? A six-year relationship with the woman I’d bared my soul to and promised to love forever.

But she’d kissed Sienna! When I really thought about it, it was almost laughable, how close I’d gotten to this exact scenario myself – with Sam, and how desperately I’d had to work to ensure it didn’t happen. Was I any better than Renee? Renee and Sienna was a fleeting, drunken experiment by Sienna. Sam and I were attracted to each other in so many ways. Sam and I had toyed with the idea, and even discussed the possibility of a relationship. I’d pictured us together. Surely, we were more badly behaved. I wondered to myself who got a pass for behavior, over the other. Should it even be a competition?

Still, in that moment I was furious with Renee. If what she told me was the truth, it wasn’t that bad, but right then I felt emotional and angry that we’d gotten to this point.

★

Our house wasn’t particularly small, but we often found ourselves falling over each other most mornings – in the bathroom, the bedroom, the kitchen, and the doorway. Today, we silently managed our morning routine without being in the same room, navigating the house effortlessly to avoid each other. I secretly pondered why it seemed we could manage to avoid each other when we were cranky with each other, but not every other day. I made a secret note to myself that perhaps we should change our morning routine if we could clearly navigate our paths separately. And yet, my heart ached as I got the kids ready without connecting with her.

We were angry with each other, but we didn’t really know why. The anger went much deeper than the kiss between her and Sienna. It was some kind of deep-seated resentment we were both feeling, and we couldn’t calmly articulate why. This is crazy, I thought. Our relationship had been so strong, and I couldn’t work out the tension between us. I wanted to embrace her, but I didn’t know if my anxiousness to move on was the right strategy. I decided to bide my time. Somehow I got through that day – because I’m ever the optimistic romantic, I wanted us to just work it out, and I knew that our love hadn’t changed; we just needed to fix our communication and connection. I was optimistic that this would be easy. Marianna would say a date night would do the trick, I wasn’t sure myself, but I knew that we could fix things. Despite my optimism that day, I was still numb for days – weeks even – after I found out about Renee and Sienna. I felt betrayed, but I had so much going on at work. I had to put my professional face on and pretend that it wasn’t happening.

★

When I was seven years old, we had an outdoor assembly at school. I had won some award and we had to get together for a photograph at the end. I sat on a big rock and sat on a dead bee. Now, before you say “it was dead,” you have to know that even dead bees have a sting in them. The bee’s sting got my rear end, just as we all had to sit quietly. I sat there and smiled through my pain. I didn’t tell anyone, and after the photographer finished, I stood up, bent over and examined the bee, tears in my eyes. By then the initial hurt was over, and I simply felt a numb but strong pain. It wasn’t worth telling anyone – I wasn’t allergic to bee stings, there was nothing that could be done to numb the pain any further, as far as I knew. That night, I did tell my mother, in a kind of “this is what happened today” and she’d asked me why I hadn’t gone to the teacher and got some cream for the bite. The bee had been dead, I hadn’t been able to react, anyway, and would anyone really care? If the pain isn’t visible to others, did it ever really even happen?

Fast forward to today and it didn’t really feel that different – I was hiding the pain, trying to work out how I felt. On the one hand, it was just a kiss. It didn’t go any further, wouldn’t go any further again, and I trusted Renee. On the other hand, that was just it – I trusted Renee, we were committed, so what on earth had changed? For all the flirting I had done with Sam, I never over-stepped the line. I brushed away a tear trying to avoid the feeling that was tugging at me. Renee and Sienna had kissed in one moment of drunkenness, and if I was to believe the girl I trusted, they’d never even flirted before that. In fact, they had a purely platonic friendship. In contrast, my friendship with Sam was laden with sexuality and flirting and ‘what if?’ moments. Who was I to judge what was overstepping the line?

★

It occurred to me that I’d been pushing Renee away, the whole time. Sure, she and Sienna had kissed, but I had been distancing myself from her. Was it my fault? I wasn’t sure what had changed. I knew that Renee couldn’t understand how I felt, so I went to the address book on our kitchen counter. I always thought Renee was a bit old fashioned still keeping a paper address book, but suddenly I was grateful. She’d always said she didn’t completely trust technology and that in an emergency we needed contact details for people, especially once we’d had kids. As I thumbed through the pages, I recognised that this wasn’t exactly the type of emergency she was thinking of. I picked up my phone and dialed the number.

“Hello, Mark speaking.”

“Mark, it’s Zara, Renee’s wife,” I said, and Mark was initially silent.

“Hey, Zara, how are things?” he finally asked.

“Good, okay. Mark, Renee told me about her and Sienna.”

Mark laughed nervously. “Yeah, did you only just find out?” he clarified.

“Pretty much.About a week or so ago. I have times when it’s fine, and times when it’s not. Now I’ve decided to just get over it, it was just a kiss, but I just wanted to check in with you and see how things are for you and Sienna. Renee had told me you knew.”

Mark told me he wasn’t a great phone person, so the next day we caught up for a coffee. He explained that he’d struggled initially when Sienna and Renee first became friends, and he said that at first, he’d been a bit nervous about Renee being able to offer something completely different from him, but then he’d realised his wife had chosen him, and she wasn’t bisexual, and it was nice that she had such a close friend. “I think it’s important for mums to have confidants, I was just a bit nervous that her confidant was also attracted to women,” he confessed. “But that’s my insecurity. I know the friendship is great for Sienna. And to tell you the truth, a kiss is just a kiss, and I wouldn’t really care if she kissed some guy, or even some girl, at a nightclub, if it was a one-off. Actually, I think I’d prefer it was a girl. I wouldn’t be thrilled, but I’d accept it and we’d move on.”

I could tell he was uncomfortable talking about it, we didn’t know each other that well, but we were united by experiencing the same situation.

We sipped our coffees as he continued, “For Sienna and Renee to kiss ruined everything; the innocence of their friendship and the trust you and I had in them. Trust I had to build. And I dare say it made things awkward between them. But deep down, I do trust Sienna, and Renee, that it really meant nothing. It was a drunken mistake, and I think they’ve paid for it. A number of times.”

“I guess that’s what I concluded, too, but it hasn’t been easy.”

“At least they told us,” Mark said. “They didn’t have to, so that’s something, I think. I honestly think it was as innocent as a kiss when married ever is.” He laughed, and I laughed in response at the craziness of it all, then sadness clouded over me.

“I just feel like we’ve been pushing each other away, and that’s why I’m more shaken by this than I should be,” I added.

“You guys need to get back on track.”

I raised my eyebrows surprised that he even had an opinion on our relationship.

He continued, “Parenting young kids is really hard. You go from having long days together and talking non-stop to interesting conversations about when the baby last pooed, or how much the kids are eating. Maybe on an exciting day you’ll chat about school or the kids’ friends. It sends shockwaves through any relationship, it’s like you lose yourself, at least initially. You guys didn’t have that cuddly newborn time either, which at least prepares you a little for all of this.”

I nodded and for the first time, analysed my relationship through Mark’s eyes. I was thinking we must seem awful to him, five minutes into parenting and having these problems already. His words broke my thoughts, however, with him adding, “For what it’s worth, I think you’re doing pretty well.”

“Really?” I was surprised but he nodded. I smiled as we said goodbye and the whole way home. I was looking forward to this next step.