“Left!” Bill Derwood barked, leaning on his cane.
Straining, Seth, Logan, and Jun shifted, trying to line up the quartz counter just right on the island. When Bill gave them the okay, they lowered it, and Seth exhaled and rolled his wrists when he could let go.
From where he was playing with a toy dump truck in the would-be sitting room, Ian clapped. Strapped in his car seat, Noah kicked and gurgled. Jun raised his palms, and Seth and Logan high fived him.
Jenna’s husband was on the shorter side, wore round glasses, and had a build Seth’s mother would have called “husky,” with the implication that “fat” might not be far behind if he wasn’t careful.
Why he still cataloged people’s appearance through the prism of his mother’s judgment, Seth wished he knew. Maybe because when he looked in the mirror, deep down he was still imagining how she might judge him.
She’d always favored short, trimmed hair, clean-shaven faces, shirts tucked in, and slacks creased down the middle. Brandon used to tease Seth about how he ironed his pajamas.
Seth squirmed with embarrassment now as he looked at how he was dressed—polo shirt tucked into his khakis and Oxfords since Bill had insisted everyone wear sturdy shoes while the work was being done. Bill, Logan, and Jun were all in jeans and old tees, Bill with a ratty cardigan over top, and work boots.
Seth tried not to stare as Logan bent over, denim stretching tight over his firm butt as he examined something near the base of the island.
Now if I could find a rear end like that on Grindr, maybe I’d swipe right. Or left, or whatever you’re supposed to do.
Scoffing to himself, Seth turned away and ran his palm over the new counter around the rectangular apron sink. The hard, cold truth was that he was too terrified to try any of the gay hookup apps. Partly because of his hang-ups about casual sex, and partly because he hadn’t been with anyone but Brandon and it was…daunting. The whole reason he was lusting after Logan was because it would never happen in a million years.
“Hi!” Jenna’s voice rang out. “Wow, you guys have been busy!” Leaning in the front door beyond the little sitting room, she kicked snow off her boots on the edge of the top step. “Hi, baby!” she exclaimed as Ian hurtled toward her, grabbing her around the legs as if it had been days since he’d seen her instead of a few hours.
She shuffled inside with difficulty, and Connor appeared behind her at the top of the makeshift ramp they’d constructed to wheel the cabinets and quartz inside.
“Connor!” Seth smiled, saying a little prayer that there wouldn’t be any screaming arguments. “So glad to see you.”
Shoulders practically up to his ears, Connor regarded Seth dubiously. Jenna had apparently taken him for a haircut, since it was clipped neatly. “Hey.” His gaze skittered over to Logan. “She said you needed my help.”
Logan glanced at Jenna, seemingly at a loss for words, so Seth jumped in. “We do! All hands on deck. We’ll be putting Noah to work any minute.” Fortunately, Jun laughed at the lame joke as he plucked Noah out of the car seat.
Jenna gave Connor’s shoulders a big squeeze, Ian still attached to her legs. “We always need you around.”
Connor rolled his eyes, but Seth noticed he couldn’t hide a tiny smile, and he wasn’t trying to get out of her grasp. He mumbled, “Sure,” glancing at Logan.
Unfortunately, Logan said, “Are you sure you shouldn’t be studying for your exams?”
Now Connor did squirm away from Jenna. “I’ve studied more in the past couple days than you probably have in your whole life.” He reminded Seth of a stray dog who wanted so desperately to be loved but would bark and bite out of fear.
“Good,” Logan bit back, his jaw clenching.
Jun had Noah in his arms, and he beckoned Ian over with the lure of cookies. Bill had plonked down into a folding chair Seth had brought out from the garage and seemed to be staring off into nothing.
Jenna kept her tone low and even as she said, “Logan, I know you’re just concerned about Connor’s future. Right?” She glanced at Connor, who scowled, his hands jammed in the front pockets of his jeans.
“Right,” Logan said. “Of course.”
She smiled, her voice soothing. “You both want the same thing—for Connor to ace his exams and go back to Rencliffe in January. Connor and I talked about how important it is for him to do his best.” She glanced at her father, her voice still low. “We also talked about how important the family retreat is next weekend. He understands, don’t you?”
“Yeah,” Connor muttered. “I won’t screw it up.”
“Thank you,” Seth said. “I really appreciate your help.” He looked to Logan, who was watching the exchange warily, as if ready for Connor to act out. When Logan didn’t say anything, Seth added, “We both appreciate it very much.”
“Yeah.” Logan nodded.
“Am I getting lunch soon?” Bill asked loudly.
“Yes!” Seth was happy for an excuse to do something to break the awkward moment. They’d moved the fridge over into the sitting room, and he hurried to take out the sandwich fixings.
They had lunch in the great room, Jenna managing to keep the conversation flowing and noncombative. They all laughed as she told a story about an explosive diaper incident with Noah. It might not have been the best topic while they ate, but if there was one thing that could unite most people, it was embarrassing poop stories.
As they howled with laughter, Jenna standing now to animate her story, Seth realized it had been so long since he’d heard true laughter in the house. Not just the odd chuckle when he was watching The Good Place, but full-throated, belly-busting laughter. It echoed off the high ceiling, filling him with cozy warmth.
He knew that come January, once their caper was done and Logan moved on, that he’d be alone again, but at least Seth could enjoy having a family around him for the moment. Even if they weren’t his family, there was something profound and beautiful about three generations together, sharing food and jokes.
After lunch, Seth and Logan left the others relaxing in the great room for the time being, Jun reading Ian a story before he had his nap, Jenna nursing Noah with her feet up on the chaise and a blanket draped across her, Bill dozing on the other side of the couch.
Seth and Logan put on their boots and coats, and Seth impulsively asked Connor to come along. He shrugged but followed without complaint.
In the garage, which ideally would soon hold Seth’s SUV instead of the unfinished renovation materials, they had to take the cabinets out of their crates and load them onto a dolly. Logan said to Connor, “Hold the dolly still once we get the cabinets out.”
Connor rolled his eyes. “I can do more than that.”
“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” Logan snapped. “Can you just do as you’re told for once?”
“Screw you! I knew you didn’t really want me here.” With a dramatic huff, Connor spun on his heel and marched off down the driveway, snow crunching under his boots.
Seth stared after him in shock, boggled at how quickly that had gone south. Everything had been fine, and then bam. Logan and Connor couldn’t seem to communicate at all without anger and resentment exploding between them. Over nothing—although Seth knew it wasn’t really about the dolly.
He cleared his throat. “Should I go after him?”
Logan’s face was flushed, his nostrils flaring. “No. Just let him sulk.” He muttered something under his breath and got to work, taking a crowbar to the crates with gusto.
Seth tried to help but mostly stayed out of the way since Logan was apparently working off his frustration, prying open the crates, removing the cabinets, and loading them on the dolly. But when a grunt morphed into a gasp, Seth reached for him.
“Okay?” Seth asked. Logan’s face was an alarming red, and his arms shook where he held a cabinet. Seth tugged it free and thunked it down onto the garage floor, his heart skipping. “Logan?”
Panting now, Logan pressed a palm to his chest as if he couldn’t breathe. Seth’s own breath caught as Logan dropped to his knees on the concrete, his shoulders heaving. Squatting, Seth checked to make sure Logan wasn’t wearing a medical alert bracelet or necklace he hadn’t noticed.
“Is it asthma? Do you have chest pain?” Seth asked. Logan shook his head, but his eyes were wild and he still couldn’t seem to breathe. “I’m calling 911. I’ll be right back!” Seth jumped up, but Logan caught his wrist in an iron grip.
Logan shook his head. He gasped out, “Will…pass.”
He still had hold of Seth’s wrist, his strong, callused hand freezing. Seth sank back down, letting Logan hold on, angling himself so he could tentatively reach out with his other hand and stroke Logan’s back. Not thumping—that didn’t work for choking, let alone whatever this was. A panic attack? Seth prayed it wasn’t actually a heart attack and that Logan wasn’t just being a stereotypical tough guy by insisting he was fine.
“What’s wrong with him?”
Seth looked over his shoulder to see Connor with one foot in the garage, his eyes wide as he stared at Logan. Logan released Seth’s wrist, sucking in a breath and wheezing out, “It’s nothing.” He pushed to his feet, still breathing hard, sweat glistening on his brow despite the frosty air, his exhalations clouding.
Seth added, “Everything’s okay. It was just a little…” He had no idea what, and grasped for a word, landing on the one his gram would have used. “Just a little turn.”
Connor stared at them, his gaze jumping back and forth between Logan and Seth. To Seth, he said, “He’s supposed to be better now.” He bit it out like an accusation, but Seth could sense the terror beneath it. The poor kid had lost his mother suddenly and been through so much upheaval. Seth managed a smile and approached him.
He hoped he wasn’t lying when he said, “He is.” He squeezed Connor’s shoulder, and he could feel little tremors despite Connor lifting his chin and putting on a careless tone.
“Fine. Whatever.”
Seth ignored that. “I’m glad you came back. We really do need your help.”
“I didn’t have my phone,” Connor replied flatly.
Heh. Should have known. “Right. Well, I’m still glad. How about you help me get these first few cabinets inside? I’ll push and you pull.” Seth motioned to the long dolly. He glanced at Logan, who nodded, gratitude clear in his brown eyes.
It gave Seth a satisfied little flush of warmth to help Logan. He grasped the cold metal handles, yelping. “Yikes! We need to get our gloves when we go in. Think we can tough it out?”
Connor nodded as Seth hoped he would, glancing at Logan as he took hold of the dolly’s handles at the other end and pulled. Wants to prove he’s tough, Seth thought. He bet Connor wanted Logan’s approval far more than either of them realized.
Nodding encouragingly, Seth pushed, and they made their way out of the garage and along the front walk over the temporary plywood path. It wasn’t too heavy, and they were able to get up the ramp without too much struggle on Seth’s end, his thighs flexing as he dug in and shoved.
Inside, he asked Connor, “You want to help Jun unload these and warm up for a minute? I’ll be back.” Seth grabbed his gloves and hurried out. He exhaled in relief when he saw Logan standing in the garage, his color back to normal and seemingly breathing okay.
“You all right?” Seth asked as he neared. He rubbed Logan’s arm, the leather of his jacket and Seth’s gloves creaking. Wait, was he being too familiar? He dropped his hand.
Logan nodded and rasped, “Thanks.”
“What happened?”
“It’s fine.” Logan shrugged. “No big deal. Let’s get back to work.”
Seth stayed put. “I thought you were having a heart attack. It was a pretty big deal.”
Logan rubbed a hand over his face, making that scratchy sound that sent a thrill down Seth’s spine. “I guess I pushed a little too hard. Docs have a fancy word for it: dyspnea. Just means shortness of breath. Because of the accident.”
“Ah.” Maybe he was being nosy, but Seth’s curiosity got the better of him. “It was a derailment?”
“Yeah.” Logan’s jaw tightened, his gaze on the concrete. “I was driving the engine, just moving it to the other side of the yard. The conductor had released the other cars, thank fuck. It would have been much worse. They said I was going too fast, being a hotshot or something. I know I wasn’t. The brakes failed. I wasn’t speeding, and I braked in plenty of time, but it was just…” He shuddered. “Screeching metal like you’ve never heard before.”
“My goodness,” Seth whispered. He could only imagine the terror.
“Track curved, and we went over. Last thing I remember was my buddy Huey screaming, and this punch to my chest, like being stomped by an elephant.”
Logan swallowed hard, raising his head and looking off somewhere beyond Seth, unfocused. “One of the monitors had come loose, and it hit me square in the chest. Massive pulmonary contusion. My lungs were so bruised, I needed to be on a ventilator to breathe. Woke up like that—tube down my throat.”
Seth shuddered. “That must have been horrendous.”
“Yeah.” His gaze was still distant. “Dislocated my shoulder and broke my arm, and it had to be in traction. Cracked ribs. Everything was just…broken.” He inhaled and seemed to give himself a shake, meeting Seth’s eyes. “Anyway. Once in a while I get short of breath. I guess it’s in my head sometimes, but today I just pushed too fast. Connor must think I’m pathetic.” He looked away. “You too.”
“What? No, not at all. I’m just relieved there’s an explanation. I can’t imagine how much work you had to do to recover the way you have. I’d never know you’d been so badly injured.”
“The physio helped. Having a goal. And Veronica…” He shrugged. “She helped a lot.”
“Connor’s mother? I’m so sorry for your loss.”
“‘My loss,’” he muttered darkly. “I always feel like shit when people say that.”
“Oh. I’m sorry.” Seth tried to think of something better to say.
“No, it’s not your fault.” Logan lifted his hands out to his sides before dropping them. “It’s just that we were done. It was over between us. So I feel like an asshole acting like she was still…mine. You know what I mean?”
“Yes, I understand that. I didn’t realize.”
“Not that I’m not sad she’s dead. I did love her. She was a good woman, but we were a mess together. I wish I could change a lot about what happened.” He shrugged tightly. “I guess that’s life. She dropped dead at thirty-four, and I can’t fix it. Connor got the shit end of the stick, that’s for sure.”
“The poor boy. It’s heartbreaking.” Seth frowned, going back to what Logan had said before. “But you know, I don’t agree that Connor thinks you’re pathetic, or that he truly dislikes you. He was scared to see you like that.”
Logan scoffed. “He’d probably be thrilled if I dropped dead.”
“You can’t really believe that? As much as he may want his biological father to be in the picture, you’re the one who’s here. If you two could stop butting heads for five minutes…”
Logan was silent a few moments. “But he’s never liked me from the day we met. I try not to lose my temper, but he just—” He made a stabbing motion with his index finger.
“Pushes your buttons. I noticed.” Seth glanced out of the garage to make sure they were still alone. “I don’t think you should take what Connor says to heart. I realize that’s easy for me to say. But he’s lashing out and angry at the world. You’re a convenient target.”
“Yeah.” Logan gave Seth a rueful smile. “And since I’m not thirteen, I should try to be the adult, huh? Not fly off the handle.”
“Right,” Seth agreed gently. “Praise him. Try to build up his confidence.”
“But he doesn’t care what I think.”
“I’d argue he cares very much what you think. Despite what he might say.”
Logan seemed to ponder that. “I guess so. Shit, Jenna and Jun are so good at this stuff. I’m useless.”
“Doesn’t Jenna…talk to you about this kind of thing?” He tried to phrase it delicately. “She’s usually eager to…help.”
Barking out what sounded like a genuine laugh, Logan scratched his head. “That’s a polite way to put it. She does help, but she’s always given me more credit than I deserve. And she’s got so much with the kids and Pop and working. When our mom died…”
“You were teenagers, right?”
“Jenna was. Fourteen. I was twenty-one and in the Marines. Pop only had the stroke five years ago, but when Mom died, he needed taking care of. Hell, I don’t think he could even use the microwave. Jenna stepped up, like she always does. She barely had the chance to move out after college. Pop had the stroke, and he ended up moving in with her and Jun. He’ll be there until he has to go in an old-folks home or they take him out feet first.”
Logan took a deep breath and blew it out. “I was working long hours on the railway. On call, never knowing exactly when I’d have to go in, and for how long. Just depended on the shipments and where they had to go. I’d be away a couple days sometimes since we had to wait at least ten hours in the bunkhouse upstate before we could come back. Regulations and all. Pop needed stability.”
Seth tried to assure him. “Of course. It’s not your fault you couldn’t be the primary caregiver. And with Connor, you’re still learning. From what I gather, parenthood takes practice.”
Logan scowled. “That’s just it. It’s not like I’m a parent. I’m totally fucking unqualified for that.”
“But…you are. A parent, I mean. Whether you’re ready or not, Connor needs you.” Seth thought of his mother and father with a pang of longing, a bite of pain quick on its heels. “His mother’s gone, and his father’s MIA. He needs a dad he can depend on. Who will look out for him, no matter what. Being rejected by your parents, it’s… I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Let alone a confused kid.”
After a moment, Logan softly said, “Parenthood,” as if he was trying out the word, weighing it on his tongue and in his heart. “The lady at the school called me a ‘single father.’ It’s weird as hell to think of myself like this. Me actually being…a parent.”
Footsteps approached, and they turned as Connor pulled the long dolly back into the garage, wearing gloves now. For a moment, no one said anything. Then Connor frowned and glanced at the dolly. “Did I do it wrong?”
“No, not at all,” Seth quickly assured him.
Logan cleared his throat. “You did a great job. Thanks.”
It was silly for Seth to be proud and pleased that Logan had taken his advice, but he was nonetheless.
Connor watched Logan warily. “Okay.” Then he waved a hand toward him. “Are you…?”
“Oh yeah, I’m fine. It’s nothing to worry about.”
Connor glanced at Seth, as if looking for affirmation, so Seth nodded and smiled. “Let’s get back to work! Team Caper needs to finish this kitchen, right?” He held up his palms for high fives, which was probably a nerdy thing to do, but he’d never pretended to be cool.
After a moment, Logan and Connor dutifully slapped his palms, and Seth grinned as they got to work.
Along the main street in town late on Sunday afternoon, fluffy flakes of snow drifted down, the sun already setting by four-thirty, the trees glowing in white Christmas lights. Red-ribboned wreaths hung from the old-fashioned streetlight poles, and other shoppers popped in and out of the antique stores and gift shops.
“I think that’s the one,” Seth said. “I can’t imagine we’re going to find another dining table in store without waiting for a custom build or warehouse delivery.” Although it made him a bit nauseous to think of buying a major piece of furniture without looking in all the stores in the area. And online. And after making an exhaustive list of the pros and cons.
Logan said, “Looked good to me. A table’s a table, right?”
Seth laughed. “You just want to finish shopping, don’t you? Your eyes glazed over in the second store two hours ago.”
“Guilty as charged.” Logan gave him a sexy little smirk.
Stop thinking about how sexy he is.
The struggle was real. As much as Seth tried not to think about how hot Logan was, his sexiness was right there. And aside from the way he looked, it was very attractive that Logan had gone furniture shopping with him and not complained once, even though all the talk of wood grains and rustic vs. classic vs. modern had surely bored him to tears.
Seth might have pretended once or twice that Logan was his boyfriend, and when a few shopkeepers had made the assumption, he hadn’t corrected them. He’d told himself it was only for practice purposes, but he was full of it. If he only cared about faking it, he wouldn’t be imagining what it would be like to hold Logan’s hand as they walked down the street.
Or what it would be like to steal a kiss under one of the boughs of mistletoe that hung outside the bookstore. Their lips cold and noses red in the frosty air… How they’d warm each other up, Logan’s arms strong around him and pulling him close…
Seth cleared his throat. “Okay, let’s look in one more store down here and—” Breath punching out of him, he staggered to a halt, almost tripping over his own feet.
Oh, merciful lord.
Or cruel and not merciful at all as the case may be, because there was Brandon. Seth blinked, willing the nightmare to end. But no, that was definitely, one hundred percent Brandon standing twenty feet away looking in a store window, snow catching in the bushy hipster beard he’d grown that year. Which Seth only knew about from stalking public Facebook posts.
He closed his eyes and opened them. Still Brandon.
Of course—because the horror had to be complete—Brandon was talking to Peter, who even at a distance in a parka was clearly still climbing ropes and lifting cars one-handed or whatever people did at CrossFit.
They were with Bethany and Jake—no, Joe—from the wine club, which shouldn’t have bothered Seth at all—he hadn’t even liked the pretentious wine club in the first place. Why should he care that Brandon had kept going with Peter? Why had he been Facebook stalking in the first place?
That Seth had been dumped and replaced, seemingly without missing a beat, hurt.
His feet felt locked in ice. “You’ve got to be kidding me,” he muttered. With Logan stopped beside him, clearly confused, Seth had never wanted to make a run for it so badly in his life.