Since it was Christmas Eve and he was at Jenna’s kitchen table, Logan should have been concentrating on cutting up the broccoli and cauliflower for the veggie platter.
Not thinking about waking up with Seth that morning. Waking up with Seth naked. Waking up with Seth and making him blush real hard by thinking up new dirty things to say. Morning blow jobs and kissing, and then more kissing.
All the kissing.
“Are you even listening to me?” A big yellow squash in one hand, Jenna turned down the volume on a crappy version of “Jingle Bells” playing through her tablet. Her blond hair was knotted up in a fancy twist, and she wore a Mrs. Claus apron over her velvet blue dress that she complained was too tight but Logan thought was pretty.
He jerked guiltily. “Sorry. What?”
“What’s up with you?”
“Nothing,” he automatically replied.
She pressed her lips together. “Why did you volunteer to help me instead of going outside to play? What’s up? Is it about the job? It was great news that Angela set up that interview for you. Don’t tell me your pride is getting in the way.”
“No!” Logan sliced into a big hunk of cauliflower. “Trust me, I have zero pride left. I’m grateful for anything I can get.” Now Jenna looked sad, and he felt like an asshole. “I don’t mean… What I mean is that I’m grateful to Angela. She’s really gone out of her way. I’m not looking that gift horse in the mouth, I promise.”
“Okay. You deserve good things, you know.” There was a burst of distant laughter outside, and she went to the window. “This snowball fight looks pretty epic. You should get out there with Seth and Connor. Although Jun and Ian probably need the help more.”
Pop was in his usual spot in the den watching the game show channel with Noah asleep in his playpen. Logan and Jenna were alone, so now was the time to tell her.
Any minute now.
Turning from the window, she fixed Logan in her sights and said way too casually, “That was quite the kiss during musical chairs. Very convincing. I honestly had no idea you were such a good actor. Seth either, since he’s the worst liar in the world.”
The pressure built in Logan’s chest. He’d borrowed a tie from Seth, and he tugged at it, but then he had to laugh. “How do you always know everything?”
Her eyebrows shot up. “Jun said I was being silly. Wait, are you serious?” She glanced at the door that led to the hall down to the den. Pulling out a chair, she leaned forward, voice low. “You and Seth? For real?”
His heart was booming, but he shrugged. “Yeah.”
Her jaw dropped. “But you’ve never…with a guy. Have you?”
“Just sex. In Iraq, and sometimes at the bunkhouse.”
She got up and took a bottle of white out of the fridge, pouring them both big glasses. Logan didn’t really like the sweet wine, but he drank it nervously as she sat back across from him, gaze distant.
“Say something,” he muttered. “Cat doesn’t usually have your tongue.” He was trying to tell himself this was no big deal, but it was. It was a big damn deal.
“Oh! Sorry. Processing.” Jenna reached over the vegetables and grabbed his hand. “You know I love you and support you a hundred percent.”
He exhaled. “I figured, but that’s still nice to hear.” He squeezed her fingers.
“It must be scary.”
“Yeah.” He swallowed hard. “It’s a big change. I’m not gonna wuss out, though. It—he means too much. Maybe some people won’t like it, but tough shit. It’s not like I have any friends left anyway.”
“The people who matter will support you. The end.”
“Even Pop?” he whispered.
Jenna winced through her teeth. “I think so? He’s kind of weirdly mellowed. He probably won’t love it at first, but he’ll come around. He wants you to be happy and settled. He worries about you a lot. More than you think.”
“Huh.” Logan wasn’t sure what to make of that.
She sat back and picked up her wine. “You and Seth! It’s perfect. You’ve both been so lonely, whether you want to admit it or not. And it’s not just physical?”
“No!” He shifted in his chair, crossing his arms. Talking about this was the worst, especially with his baby sister. “It’s different with Seth.”
Her smile reminded him of the moony look she got when she watched rom-coms. “You like him.”
“Yeah.” He grumbled. “A lot, okay?”
“And before it was only physical with men. Never with feelings involved?”
“Right.”
“But why?”
“Because!” He grunted, realizing he sounded like Connor. “It’s just… I always thought dating and stuff is what you do with women. Getting off with guys once in a while was separate.”
“Okay.” Jenna sipped her wine. “But you don’t think it’s wrong, right? Same-sex relationships.”
“No,” he scoffed. “I just didn’t think it was for me. Turns out I was wrong. Seth and I were only pretending at first, but now…” He picked up the knife and cut the stalk off a broccoli spear.
“You’re blushing!” Jenna clapped delightedly. “This is the best Christmas present you could give me.”
“You’re welcome,” he said with as much sarcasm as he could.
“So, you’re…bisexual?”
It still seemed weird as hell to think of himself as anything but straight after insisting on it for so long. Fooling himself for so long. He cleared his throat. “Yeah. I’m bisexual.” He exhaled a long breath, a knot of tightness in his chest releasing.
“I’ll drink to that!” Jenna lifted her glass, and he clinked his against it.
“You’ll drink to anything,” he teased with a grateful laugh.
“Pumped out a ton of milk this morning, so you’re damn right I will. It’s Christmas.” She took a big swallow. “Are you moving in for real? Is that why Connor’s in such a good mood?”
“I guess. We’re gonna see how it goes, but yeah. Moving in.”
“It’s going to go wonderfully! I know it.”
“That’s what I thought about Veronica.”
Jenna pursed her lips. “No you didn’t. You knew it was a mistake from day one. But now we have Connor. Everything happens for a reason.” She grimaced. “Not Veronica’s death. I didn’t mean it like that.”
“I know. I get it.” He looked out the window at where Connor was dodging a snowball and laughing as it hit Seth instead. “I wish she was still alive, but I wouldn’t want to give him up.” He shook his head. “Never thought I’d say that.”
“You were thrust into being a single dad overnight, and it’s not easy, to say the very least. You’re still learning, but you’re what Connor needs.”
Logan was starting to believe it. “He’ll probably drive me nuts soon enough, but we’re both trying. We didn’t fight at all today. We’ve been watching that eighties show on Netflix about the kids and monsters. Seth and I hadn’t seen it, so Connor said we should start at the beginning. It’s been fun watching together.”
“That’s great! All you can do is try, and keep trying even when he acts like an asshole. Because sometimes kids are the worst, but they’re the best.” Jenna’s eyes filled, and she laughed. “Sorry, you know how emo I get at Christmas. But if there’s any time to start fresh, it’s now, don’t you think?”
“Yeah. Peace and good will and all that shit.”
They laughed, and the oven timer dinged. Jenna bolted up. “Need to check the turkey. Maybe you and Pop should talk?”
“What, now?”
“Peace and good will and all that shit.”
Here went nothing. Logan took a gulp of the sweet wine and headed into the den before he could chicken out. Better to just rip off the Band-Aid.
Noah was still fast asleep in his playpen on the floor by Pop’s armchair, his little mouth open, face so innocent that it made Logan want to pick him up and hold him close. Of course that would wake him, and he had to spit out the truth to Pop.
Pop wore a button-down shirt and dress slacks with his ugly old slippers. They’d always dressed up on Christmas Eve for turkey dinner and midnight mass, then spent Christmas Day in their PJs, opening presents and eating leftovers.
Now that Jenna and Jun went to Jun’s parents every other year with Pop and the kids, the routine had changed, and they were skipping church to get a good night’s sleep before driving in the morning. Logan was looking forward to a day of PJs with Seth and Connor. He wished like hell he was there now, but first things first.
Rip it off!
Sitting on the edge of a couch cushion, Logan looked at the Christmas tree with its golden lights and the old angel on top tilting to the right. He asked, “People giving good answers?” He nodded toward Family Feud on the TV.
Pop grunted. “A few.”
Do it. Don’t be a shit-brick coward. Just fucking say it. “You know how Seth and me have been living together? I’m gonna keep living there in January. We really like each other. We were pretending at first, but now it’s real.”
Pop’s gray, bushy brows met, and he stared at Logan. “What are you sayin’? That you’re a fairy?”
Logan’s first instinct was to deny it loudly. He forced a breath, his chest tightening. “I dunno. Kinda? I’ve always liked girls. Still do. But I think I’ve liked guys too. More than I would admit.”
Pop shoved a handful of pretzel mix in his mouth. He chewed noisily, watching a family trying to guess the most popular answer for “favorite way to wake up in the morning.”
There was clapping and exclaiming, and blood rushed in Logan’s ears, his heartbeat so loud he could barely hear himself think.
He waited.
Then he waited some more, every muscle clenched, his butt barely on the edge of the couch cushion. Was Pop going to tell him to get out? Was he going to say Logan disgusted him? That he was a disgrace to the family and—
“Like the kid on Schitt’s Creek,” Pop said, rooting around in the snack bowl and coming up with an orange peanut M&M.
“What?” Logan could barely get the word out.
“You know, with Eugene Levy. Rich people get stuck in a small town. Funny show. It’s like shit’s, but it’s spelled different.”
Logan tried to breathe. “Right. Yeah, I get it. I don’t—what about it?”
Pop looked at him now. “The kid on the show. He’s whaddya call it—bipan-curious or whatever.” He shrugged. “I guess it’s the popular thing these days, huh? Seems like it’s everywhere now. I don’t really get it, but no one asks what I think anymore.”
Logan’s lungs expanded a few more inches. “I’m asking. What you think.” He clenched his hands into fists so hard his nails dug into his palms. “About me and Seth.”
Frowning, Pop stared at him again. “So you’re saying you two are…” He motioned back and forth with a wrinkled hand.
Part of Logan wanted to deny it all, say never mind and run the fuck away. But he didn’t. He nodded.
Pop screwed up his face. “I don’t get why you’d want to. You’re a good-lookin’ kid. The girls have always chased you.”
“It’s not about that. It’s not that I can’t get a girl and I’m settling or something.”
“Huh.” He seemed to think about it. “That makes you happy? Bein’ with him? Like that?”
“I know it must seem weird to you, but yeah. It does.”
Pop grunted, and Logan couldn’t tell what it meant. Pop said, “You do seem happier. I was sayin’ to Jenny before. The kid too. So I guess that’s good. And you said you’re going to keep living over there?”
“Yeah. We’re going to see what happens. Maybe it won’t work out, but…”
Pop grunted again, turning back to the TV. “Won’t know unless you try. You could do worse.” Then he shouted, “Read the newspaper! Doesn’t anyone read the newspaper in the morning anymore?”
Her dress swaying, Jenna appeared with a plate of cookies, having clearly been eavesdropping. “You know who reads the newspaper every morning? Seth. He’s very old-fashioned that way. He picks one up on his way into the office.”
Logan wasn’t sure if it was true, but God, he loved his sister. Pop laughed, a wheezing rasp. “Jenny’ll be convincing me Seth’s the second coming of Jesus soon enough if she has her way.” He grabbed three cookies and took a big bite of one. “Only your mother made better chocolate-chip cookies. God rest her soul.”
Jenny sat beside Logan on the couch, squeezing his arm and kissing his cheek. He took a cookie. “These really are just like Mom made.”
She beamed. “Thanks.” Then she whispered, “That went better than I expected!”
“I keep telling you, I’m not fuckin’ deaf,” Pop grumbled, biting into another cookie. He asked Logan through his mouthful, “Didn’t you make your mom’s chocolate cake for the big dinner with the boss lady?”
“Yeah,” Logan said. “Everyone loved it.”
“You should bring some cookies home,” Pop said. “Seth and Connor’ll miss out if we eat ’em all.”
“I might have made an extra batch for you boys this morning.” Jenna gave Logan a wink.
Home.
Settling back on the couch, Logan took a bite of sweet, soft cookie. The front door banged open, Noah woke and wailed so loud Logan thought he must be dying, and cold air reached the den.
“Close the damn door!” Pop shouted as Jenna scooped up Noah, a stamping of boots thudding from the foyer.
Jun, Seth, Connor, and Ian joined them in the den, cheeks rosy from being outside. Seth took a cookie and sat next to Logan with a wince. Logan frowned. “You okay?”
“My slacks are damp, but that’s what I get for engaging in a snowball fight.”
Logan laughed. “Maybe you should take them off.” He realized what he’d said, but it was too late.
“Save that for later!” Pop chortled, his belly jiggling as he laughed at his own joke.
Jun had his mouth full of cookie, but mumbled, “Wait, what?”
“Pants off!” Ian shouted, yanking down his little slacks and pulling them free, a sock going with them. In Superman undies and his dress shirt, he raced around the carpet, reaching out to jingle ornaments on the tree as he passed by, gold and silver icicles swaying dangerously.
“Everyone’s pants on!” Holding Noah, Jenna gave chase, Ian darting around her and squealing his way toward the kitchen.
Seth was bright red to the tips of his ears, and Connor was laughing his ass off. Logan whispered to Seth, “Christmas at the Derwoods. This is what you’re getting into. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”
Still blushing, Seth only grinned. He nudged Logan’s shoulder, and Logan nudged back, not ready to get smoochy in front of his family, especially with Pop there. Seth would probably pass out anyway.
Part of Logan still couldn’t believe it. Him and Seth. Him and Seth for real. Everyone knowing and not seeming to mind. Maybe it was the peace and good will and all that shit, but whatever it was, he’d take it.