In a New York Review of Books article about the television series Girls (2012–), author Elaine Blair posed the question, “How often, in movies or television, do you see autoeroticism incorporated into a scene of two people having sex?”[1] Blair was being rhetorical but the answer is an easy one: such presentations are incredibly rare. When sex is depicted, invariably it is intercourse. In chapter 2 I addressed the issue of age and masturbation: that once grown and notably once coupled, seemingly masturbation stops. While the majority of masturbation depictions do center on the young and notably the single, this chapter focuses on the role of masturbation inside relationships. Blair referenced an outlier example of masturbation inside a sex scene in Girls, and while rare, this is indeed an illustration of one role that autoeroticism can have in a relationship: functioning, simply, as part of a couple’s sex life; as part of sexplay perhaps, or conducted when they are separated by distance. A much more common—and notably negative—coupled portrayal however, is masturbation as a sign that something is wrong: that if one partner is masturbating then the relationship is no longer satisfying—that the sex is no longer satisfying—and that masturbation is testimony to a fraught union.
In the episode of Girls referred to by Blair, Adam (Adam Driver) and Hannah (Lena Denham) were having intercourse. Adam stopped midway, took off his condom, and masturbated over Hannah’s chest while speaking aloud a fantasy of her being a heroin-addicted eleven-year-old. In this scene masturbation served as an adjunct to partnered sex: intercourse still transpired and masturbation’s role was merely a cameo at the end. In the thriller Downloading Nancy (2008), the title character (Maria Bello) reveals a similar sex play to her therapist, disgustedly identifying that her husband “masturbated all over me.” A similar kind of cameo-portrayal occurs when masturbation functions simply as foreplay. In the drama Nymphomaniac (2013) for example, Jerôme (Shia LaBeouf) masturbated to get erect before having sex with Joe (Stacy Martin); intercourse then occurred. In a later scene in the film, Seligman (Stellan Skarsgård) also masturbated to get erect, before initiating intercourse. In the drama Autoerotic (2011), after insisting that his girlfriend (Kate Lyn Sheil) change into some brightly colored tights in preparation for sex, the unnamed male character (Joe Swanberg) masturbated while looking at her and encouraging her to do the same. The two characters each masturbated independently and then had sex. In a number of other examples masturbation in fact replaces intercourse. While there are, of course, scenes of one partner stimulating the genitals of another in the lead up to, or in fact in place of sex (e.g., in the dramas The Waterdance (1992) and A Home at the End of the World (2004)), notable for this chapter, are examples of two people stimulating themselves in each other’s presence instead of having intercourse. In the television series Tell Me You Love Me (2007), after a counselling session, Katie (Ally Walker) and her husband David (Tim DeKay) masturbated together. Katie sat on David’s lap; their proximity and pleasure resembled any standard screen sex scene, only each character touched only their own genitals. Masturbation in this scene replaced the expected intercourse. The same dynamic played out in an episode of the British fantasy series Misfits (2009–): Alisha (Antonia Thomas) and Curtis (Nathan Stewart-Jarrett) couldn’t have sex because intercourse would induce Alisha’s superpower the two satisfied their desires for each other by watching the other masturbate. Masturbation also replaced a standard sex scene in the television series Crash (2008–2009): Bo (Jake McLaughlin) and Lily (Ellen Woglom) appeared about to have intercourse but Bo abruptly paused and said, “let’s do what we always do.” Lily, resigned, put the condom back on the dresser, lay back on the bed and began masturbating; Bo stood at the foot of the bed doing the same. In a scene from the drama Down to the Bone (2004), Irene (Vera Farmiga) sat at the kitchen table with her boyfriend Steve (Clint Jordan): she had just snorted cocaine and the two watched each other masturbate. In an episode of the series The L Word (2004–2009), Bette (Jennifer Beals) and Jodie (Marlee Matlin) were shown kissing on a bed, masturbating themselves while sandwiched together.[2] In another episode, masturbation replaced sex when Bette and Candace (Ion Overman) were briefly jailed and the two self-stimulated while talking dirty. The screen also offers another kind of couple-masturbation whereby one character masturbates themselves while simultaneously being part of an intimate dynamic with their partner. In the romantic-comedy Paris, France (1993) for example, Lucy (Leslie Hope) and Sloan (Peter Outerbridge) masturbated while Sloan spoke aloud a masochistic fantasy. Something similar transpired in another episode of Girls when Adam masturbated while Hannah verbally humiliated him. In Autoerotic, the unnamed Joe Swanberg character strangled the unnamed Kate Lyn Sheil character while she masturbated. In another scene, after sex, the unnamed Kris Swanberg character lay in bed masturbating while her partner (Frank V. Ross) kissed her. In a scene from the suburban-drama Life as a House (2001), Sam (Hayden Christensen) was having a shower when his friend Alyssa (Jena Malone) entered the stall. The two kissed while Sam masturbated to orgasm.
In each of the scenes discussed in this section, a relatively outlier presentation disrupted both narrative and audience expectations of the standard intimacy script and instead presented characters partaking of sexual touch in a way that is intimate and sexy, but which didn’t include intercourse. Sex manuals often identify that masturbating in front of a partner can be exciting and educative,[3] a tremendous turn-on,[4] and an opportunity to explore the voyeuristic-exhibitionistic dynamic:[5] these examples provide rare screen testimony to this.
Worth noting, in their disruption of the partnered sex script, these scenes also work to provide insight into the specific relationship depicted. An obvious interpretation is that the couple portrayed doesn’t have sex like normal people, that their relationship is not normal. At the more positive end of the spectrum, the couple can be construed as unconventional, perhaps, or avant garde. Conversely, the act can be read as proof of the duo experiencing sexual difficulties.[6] While the role of masturbation connoting relationship trouble is addressed later in this chapter, the idea of the avant garde is worth exploring. Similarly, in my book Periods in Pop Culture: Menstruation in Film and Television I discussed the incorporation of menstrual sex into a narrative as a way to present characters as not merely sexually non-conformist but as (often) artistic people who hold values that are out-of-synch with the rest of society: that these characters are different and that their sex life serves as proof of this. Similarly, in my book American Taboo: The Forbidden Words, Unspoken Rules, and Secret Morality of Popular Culture, I contended that in contrast to an intercourse scene, cunnilingus on screen can be a way to frame characters as modern, sensitive and cutting-edge lovers. A coupled masturbation scene can function similarly. By eschewing the standard penis-in-vagina sex act, a sexplay is presented that is more sensuous, more egalitarian, more mutually pleasurable and is (often) less concerned with power play. This interpretation is particularly applicable to a drama like The Blood Oranges (1997) where a wife, Fiona (Sheryl Lea), masturbated while her husband, Cyril (Charles Dance), played with her breast: the entire film was about an avant garde couple exploring their sexuality with another couple at a Mediterranean resort. These are characters who prioritize sexual pleasure over gender roles and conformity, in doing so they are often connected to counterculture values.
While in these examples masturbation replaced sex, this is of course, a very unusual depiction. In my American Taboo discussion of cunnilingus, I noted that such sex is “very rarely presented as the main event of a sex scene; instead, it is generally relegated to a brief, preliminary role.”[7] This analysis is equally applicable to masturbation: that coupled masturbation scenes are rare and the more common presentation involves one character in the couple—invariably the woman—masturbating while the man watches her. While the man in such a scene presumably finds the display arousing (in line with themes addressed in chapter 6), generally he will, in fact, refrain from masturbating himself and either will just watch her or will initiate intercourse. In several scenes from the television series Magic City (2012–) for example, Lily (Jessica Marais) lay on the marital bed masturbating. Her husband Ben (Danny Huston) passively watched her via a double-sided mirror. In an episode of Sex and the City (1998–2004), Charlotte (Kristin Davis) masturbated in front of her husband Trey (Kyle MacLachlan): her display functioned to cure Trey’s impotency problems and led to the two finally having intercourse. In the thriller Unfaithful (2002), Connie (Diane Lane) masturbated in front of her affair partner Paul (Olivier Martinez): a cheeky smile on her face. In the thrillers Body of Evidence (1993) and We Own the Night (2007) and the French drama La femme qui pleure (The Crying Woman) (1979) female characters used masturbation to seduce male partners.
On one level, these examples can be interpreted along the lines discussed in chapter 6: that masturbation—generally female masturbation—is an inherently sexy display and that its use within a relationship arouses the man, the audience and, often, the masturbating woman too. They can equally be likened to the group masturbation scenes discussed in chapter 2 whereby masturbation is simply an arousing display and that being in the proximity of a self-stimulator creates a stimulating environment. Another explanation however, is that—like many masturbation scenes discussed in this book—these scenes mirror the autoerotic practices of real life; that in real life individuals in couples do continue to masturbate. Psychiatrist Benjamin Sadock briefly addressed this:
Couples in a sexual relationship do not abandon masturbation entirely. When coitus is unsatisfactory or is unavailable because of illness or the absence of the partner, self-stimulation often serves an adaptive purpose, combining sensual pleasure and release.[8]
Sociologists Arne Dekker and Gunter Schmidt similarly identified that “masturbation peacefully coexists with sex between partners and a loving relationship more often than it did . . .”[9] Of particular relevance to the examples discussed above is that they can also be construed as not just mirroring the reality of continued masturbation into adulthood, but the actual incorporation of masturbation into a relationship: that the individuals in couples don’t merely continue with their own private masturbation, but rather add it into their sexual repertoire. In Lonnie Barbach and Linda Levine’s work on female sexuality, the authors conducted interviews with a number of women who identified a role for masturbation in their partnered sex lives:
A number of women talked about masturbating, either in front of their partner or at the same time as their partner, not only as a way to receive sufficient clitoral stimulation, but also as a turn-on in its own right. They found that using masturbation as a tease heightened sexual feelings for both themselves and their partners.[10]
In the Magic City, Sex and the City, Unfaithful, Body of Evidence, We Own the Night, La femme qui pleure, Life as a House and Blood Orange scenes, the men who watched their partners masturbating didn’t stimulate themselves and instead just observed, alternatively, channelled their arousal into an initiation of intercourse. While it could be construed that the scopophilic pleasure derived from watching women masturbate was satisfying enough for the men (chapter 6), another reading—in line with a theme discussed throughout this book—is that masturbation is often construed as a lacklustre substitute for sex; that men would simply rather have real sex. A number of reasons for this have been proposed in this volume; a notable one being that too much contact with their own genitals can create homosexual anxieties.[11] Another interpretation is that men are, in fact, simply uncomfortable masturbating in front of their partner. While the female might equally be uncomfortable, it is also normal in our culture for women to be positioned as an object of titillation whereby her sexuality gets performed. This however, is not a standard posturing for men; even in heterosexual porn, the display of a man masturbating is rare. Addressed in chapter 2 was the issue of men being fearful of being caught masturbating: that they have internalized negative sentiments about masturbation and thus doing so in front of their partner doesn’t come naturally. Similarly, something I discussed in American Taboo was the popular discomfort—experienced by audiences and subtly implied in narratives—with men’s bodies being sexualized in the ways that women have long been: that men prefer the role of the voyeur rather than exhibitionist[12] and for them to participate in a masturbation performance somehow compromises their masculinity, potentially feminizes them via their objectification, but also that in doing so they would be (unhappily) settling for a kind of sex that isn’t reliant on their penis penetrating.
Noted earlier was the possibility of masturbation scenes functioning as a show-don’t tell way to present a couple as non-typical: either that they are outright kinky, or at the very least avant garde. The series Girls has a reputation for being cutting edge and non-conformist; its sex scenes are one way that this is demonstrated. Jace Lacob, writing for The Daily Beast, described the sex in Girls as exhibiting a “messiness” not usually shown on screen.[13] Caroline Preece, writing for Den of Geek, similarly described the sex as “brilliantly graceless” and “painfully awkward.”[14] The incorporation of masturbation into a partnered sex scene is a good demonstration of how Girls does sex differently: Adam’s external ejaculation referenced the standard “money shot” scene in porn where men end sex by masturbating onto their partners, often onto their faces or breasts.[15] Such an act distances itself from the vanilla sexual relations more commonly presented in mainstream film and television and instead references a more controversial staple of porn which has sometimes been construed as an act centered on disrespect and the degradation of women. Radical feminists Gail Dines and Robert Jensen for example, discussed the “cum shot” in porn and contended,
[I]n pornography, ejaculating onto a woman is a method by which she is turned into a slut, someone (not really someone) whose primary, if not only, purpose is to be sexual with men.[16]
In Magic City the staging of masturbation and the existence of a purpose-built two-way mirror, works to establish Ben as a voyeur, if not a pervert. While Lily was likely getting sexual pleasure from her masturbation, the staging of the act was about Ben’s predilections, akin to the masturbatory displays of sex workers discussed in chapter 6. The scene was less about the pleasures of self-stimulation and more so about a relationship that deviates from normal or vanilla. In The L Word the characters involved were lesbians and thus their sexuality can already be construed as perverting heterosexual norms.[17] In Body of Evidence equally the characters were quickly established as deviant: Rebecca (Madonna) and Frank’s (Willem Dafoe) relationship was defined by sadomasochism and infidelity. Infidelity was also, unsurprisingly, at the crux of Unfaithful: clearly disrupting norms about monogamy. In Down to the Bone both characters were drug addicts and thus widely construed as social deviants and in Misfits the characters were superheroes and thus it was no surprise that they didn’t have sex like “normal people.” In both Autoerotic and Nymphomaniac sexual overindulgence was an everpresent theme. In each of these examples, masturbation served to demonstrate that the couples are not partaking of a sexually vanilla lifestyle: that the duo doesn’t conform to notions of vanilla sex, but instead, deviates and engages in taboo behavior. This serves to reveal about the dynamics of the relationship and again, showcases a couple’s likely counterculture values too.
In the context of the Paris, France scene discussed earlier, as well as The L Word jail masturbation and the Girls dirty talk scene, two key elements were that autoeroticism replaced sex and that filthy talk fuelled arousal. More common than masturbation in the presence of a lover is masturbation undertaken while separated with the involvement of the phone: that distance may inhibit traditional intercourse but that phone sex—masturbation conducted while talking dirty—is a viable substitute.
In chapter 3 I mentioned a scene from the comedy Extreme Movie (2008) where Jessica (Rheagan Wallace) masturbated with her phone, as well as a scene from the romantic-comedy Valentine’s Day (2010) when Kara (Jessica Biel) commented, “My closest relationship is with my BlackBerry—thank God it vibrates!” I noted that such presentations might be interpreted as reflecting the contemporary phenomena whereby relationships with technology are prioritized, or at least valued as strongly, as those with people in real life. Rather than replacing relationships with people however, the screen more commonly showcases a range of masturbation-themed examples where phones, as well as the Internet, enhance relationships by providing characters with a kind of sexual access to their partner in the absence of physical proximity: that if the couple can’t be in the same location, then the phone can help maintain intimacy.
In several examples of phone sex scenes, the masturbation of only one party is visible to the audience: for example, Emma (Lisa Faulkner) in the British series Burn It (2003), Anna (Britt Ekland) in the crime-drama Get Carter (1971), Miranda (Cynthia Nixon) in an episode of Sex and the City and Marta (Stefania Rocca) in the Italian thriller Viol@ (1998) (although hers involved the cybersex kind). While such examples can simply be read as complying with the screen norm of women depicted masturbating for the scopophilic pleasure of the audience (and therefore their possibly-masturbating partner is not relevant to the scene), other interpretations are indeed possible. Like the masturbation scenes discussed in chapter 4—where a variety of different arousal triggers were examined—in the scenes explored in this section, dirty talk functions similarly. Such scenes are not so much about phone sex and masturbation substituting for intercourse, but more simply, are about the arousing powers of sexually explicit dialogue; as dirty talk functioning as an accoutrement. In my book Part-Time Perverts: Sex, Pop Culture and Kink Management I noted that sometimes “dialogue can be instrumental in perverse sex.”[18] Not only does the depiction of autoeroticism function to present a couple as non-conformist, but dirty talk actually achieves a similar ends. Dirty talk is identifiable in a variety of intercourse scenes, for examine in the comedies Sideways (2004), Bachelorette (2012) or in episodes of Nurse Jackie (2009–).[19] In such examples such dialogue serves as an adjunct to the more standard act of partnered sex. In scenes where intercourse is not possible however, the dirty talk—as well as, more simply, the sounds of pleasure from masturbation—can help make phone sex appear more like an act of two people being intimate as opposed to two individuals masturbating in different locations.
In some examples, the erotic phone conversation—akin to scenes of group masturbation and teachable masturbation discussed in earlier chapters—function to bond characters. In a number of phone sex scenes, the experience in fact led the characters into a more traditional face-to-face relationship if not also to a new level of intimacy. In the romantic-comedy The Truth About Cats & Dogs (1996) for example, Abby (Janeane Garofalo) and Brian (Ben Chaplin) had phone sex; afterwards the two started a more traditional relationship. The same thing played out in the romantic-comedy Somewhere Tonight (2011): Leroy (John Turturro) masturbated while on the phone to Patti (Katherine Borowitz) after the two had met via an adult chat line; they then formed a more traditional relationship. In the German romantic-comedy und das ist erst der Anfang (Just the Beginning) (2000), Anna (Julia Richter) received a misdialled call from Michael (Rene Hofschneider); the two got talking which led to phone sex and eventually a relationship. While the standard script for screen relationships is for characters to progress to sex after initially meeting and spending physical time together, The Truth About Cats & Dogs, Somewhere Tonight and und das ist erst der Anfang disrupt this. Just as in the romantic-comedies Fools Rush In (1997) and Knocked Up (2007)—where characters had one-night-stands first and then got to know each other and later formed a relationship because of pregnancy—the characters in The Truth About Cats & Dogs, Somewhere Tonight and und das ist erst der Anfang exposed their private masturbation before a relationship was formed. Such examples serve as thoroughly modern narratives—masturbation, while traditionally thought of as private and embarrassing is presented as intimate and sexy—and are each premised on the idea of non-conformity and on unusual starts to relationships. In other examples, characters are already in a relationship when they engage in phone sex while separated. While open to a variety of readings, such scenes—at least on the surface—can be interpreted as phone sex substituting for intercourse simply because of distance: that such behavior isn’t the desired sexual activity but is simply construed as better than nothing. In the teen-comedy American Pie 2 (2001) for example, Heather (Mena Suvari) and Oz (Chris Klein) were separated while Heather studied in Europe. During a phone conversation Heather initiated phone sex: “If we can’t physically be with each other then we have to learn to be more vocal,” she contended. Distance similarly kept Erin (Drew Barrymore) and Garrett (Justin Long) apart in the romantic-comedy Going the Distance (2010) and thus they masturbated while talking dirty over the phone. In both scenes the phone sex was stilted, was awkward, and was a substitution that neither of the characters would have actively chosen, but it was simply better than nothing. The speculative-future film Her (2013) presented something akin to phone sex in a scene when Theodore (Joaquin Phoenix) masturbated while speaking aloud a sexual fantasy with the voice of his operating system, Samantha. The characters were, technically, geographically separate—Theodore was human and Samantha was virtual—but the erotic chat, Theodore’s masturbation and both characters’ orgasms, likens the scene to a more common phone sex depiction.
While geography can separate characters, so too can factors such as a couple waiting before they have sex. In the Canadian romantic-comedy Love, Sex and Eating the Bones (2003) for example, Michael (Hill Harper) and Jasmine (Marlyne Barrett) had phone sex in the early stages of their relationship as a kind of foreplay. In the Norwegian film Få meg på, for faen (Turn Me On, Dammit!) (2001), fifteen-year-old Alma (Helene Bergsholm) engaged in phone sex with her boyfriend Artur (Matias Myren) prior to the two having intercourse. The adolescent title characters in Tromeo and Juliet (1996) did the same: phone sex served as a stepping stone towards a more fully-fledged sexual relationship. In such scenes, phone sex is not presented as a fully satisfying substitution, but one that simply tides characters over (akin to the masturbation substitutions discussed for the teenage virgins in chapter 7).
Worth noting, as examined in the Paris, France, Girls and The L Word scenes, dirty talk can also be part of the sex-play of characters in the same room. Equally so for characters who are not permitted to touch but are nevertheless aroused by each other. A good, non-phone sex example of this transpired in the holocaust-themed Bent (1997). Concentration camp inmates Max (Clive Owen) and Horst (Lothaire Bluteau) stood side by side and spoke aloud their sexual fantasies. Both men orgasmed and while the audience doesn’t see them actually touch themselves the implication is that they reached a climax through masturbation and via the arousal delivered to each other through their dialogue. An interesting interpretation for this scene—and for dirty talk masturbation scenes more broadly—is the subtle contention that masturbation on its own is somehow deficient. That for characters to truly achieve pleasure from masturbation, that other accoutrements such as dirty talk are needed to bolster what is widely accepted as a poor substitute for intercourse on its own. This recalls the dead-hand and non-dominant masturbation techniques discussed in chapter 3, when the undercurrent was that for masturbation to be pleasurable it needs to feel unlike self-stimulation.
Quoted repeatedly in this book is Jim’s dad’s (Eugene Levy) words to his masturbating son in the teen-comedy American Pie (1999): “You do want a partner, don’t you son?” The undercurrent of this remark, and a topic addressed in detail in chapter 2, is that masturbation is popularly thought about—and routinely presented on screen—as a transition: that the sexually well-adjusted adult graduates from masturbation to intercourse; that moving on from self-stimulation is the normal route to sexual maturity. In chapter 1 I discussed the supposed problems that transpire when masturbation becomes the preferred sexual activity when partnered sex is available. On screen and when one person in a couple masturbates as a completely solo activity and as disconnected from their relationship—when they choose to do this instead of having sex with their partner—the scene connotes that something has gone awry.
Self-stimulation by people in relationships is a rare portrayal on screen. Therefore, for such an unusual act to be depicted, it inevitably serves a narrative purpose: notably as a show-don’t tell clue into the dynamics of the dyad. In the mystery Presumed Innocent (1990) for example, Rusty (Harrison Ford) walked in on his wife Barbara (Bonnie Bedelia) resting on the marital bed. He asked her whether she had been exercising: she corrected him, “masturbation—the refuge of the lonely housewife.” In this scene, Barbara explicitly connected masturbation to marital disharmony, something more commonly merely implied. In a scene from the romantic-comedy Swinging with the Finkels (2011), Ellie (Mandy Moore) masturbated with a cucumber and a photo of James Dean. For a young, attractive married woman to be masturbating, the scene doesn’t make sense unless we construe Ellie’s masturbation as a sign that something is wrong in her relationship; unless we assume sexual dysfunction or dissatisfaction. In the thriller Terror Lodge (2005), masturbation again served as proof of relationship problems when Franklin (Chris Ferry) spied his wife Bridget (Natalia McLennan) masturbating in bed. This one-partner-catching-the-other scenario is, in fact, a relatively common way that a troubled relationship gets exposed. In the suburban-drama Little Children (2006), Sarah (Kate Winslet) caught her husband Richard (Gregg Edelman) masturbating to Internet porn. Soon after the two began sleeping separately. In a scene from Tell Me You Love Me, Katie spied her husband David masturbating when he thought she was in the shower. The same thing occurred in an episode of the medical-drama Nip/Tuck (2003–2010): Julia (Joely Richardson) was masturbating in bed, assuming that her husband Sean (Dylan Walsh), was in the shower. Sean saw her however, and dryly remarked, “Well. I hope you were at least fantasizing about me.” In the suburban-drama American Beauty (1999), Lester (Kevin Spacey) woke his wife Carolyn (Annette Bening) with his masturbation; the two then argued. In the British sex-drama 9 Songs (2004), Matt (Kieran O’Brien) stood at the bedroom door and watched his partner Lisa (Margo Stilley) masturbate on the bed. Initially, it appeared that he found the scene sexy, but the longer Matt watched the sadder it seemed to him.
These scenes each subvert the idea that masturbation is primarily a sexy display and instead, present one character tending to their own sexual needs as symptomatic of something awry in the relationship: the partner watching the display invariably finds the display as more troubling than arousing. Interestingly, while unspoken, the onlooking partner seems to subtly suggest that they were unaware that things had gotten that bad and their faces exhibit feelings of betrayal; that they believe that the energies their partner spent on masturbation should have been invested in the relationship.[20] While the masturbating characters seem to be self-stimulating primarily for their own pleasure, they also allude to the idea that masturbation can, potentially, be used as a weapon. In La femme qui pleure for example, Dominique (Dominique Laffin) attempted to seduce her husband Jacques (Jacques Doillon), but he rebuffed her advances. She began to masturbate (which quickly inspired him to change his mind). While in this scene masturbation served as a combination of punishment and seduction, in other examples, a partner’s masturbation is more explicitly framed as a retort. In a scene from the comedy-drama Sex and Breakfast (2007) for example, Renee (Eliza Dushku)—while lying next to her sleeping husband Ellis (Kuno Becker)—began to masturbate. He stirred, she stopped. That the couple was not only not having sex, but that Renee felt a need to masturbate—but then notably stopped for fear that her husband would find out—was a clear indication that their relationship was marred by the absence of pleasure and the presence of a dynamic where solo pleasure was resented. The same thing happened in the horror film Erosion (2005). Like Dominique in La femme qui pleure and Renee in Sex and Breakfast, Irene was in bed with her husband. She made a move to try and seduce her husband, he said he needed to go to sleep. She began to masturbate, he stirred, and she stopped.
In these examples, masturbation functioned as a metonym for an unhappy marriage. The unspoken rule, seemingly, is that sexual satisfaction is crucial for successful coupling: if one party is masturbating the assumption is that they are not getting sex from their spouse and thus relationship norms and expectations have been disrupted. While research consistently notes that sexual problems are often implicated in relationship disharmony (which might be the cause of the disharmony or simply reflective of it),[21] the specific role of masturbation in contributing to this is also widely speculated on. As early as 1936, physician John Meagher discussed this issue, noting, “The habit is found especially in unhappily married women who belong to the repressed erotic type, and who superficially are often regarded as frigid.”[22] Historian Thomas Laqueur quoted sexologist Havelock Ellis who went so far as to claim that masturbation was the “main cause” if not the “sole efficient cause” for divorce.[23] Sexologist Mels van Driel also discussed this issue and in doing so quoted the 1971 work of a Dutch sexologist:
If someone is married or has a permanent relationship and there is normal intercourse, it is odd for one of the partners to continue masturbating alone. This will definitely signal that there is something wrong with their sexual relationship. . . . The vast majority of cases of masturbation in marriage means that something is wrong.[24]
In relationship therapist Michele Weiner Davis’ The Sex-Starved Wife, she articulated the modern position of masturbation being completely normal, but also cautioned that it becomes “a significant problem if it detracts from sex with one’s partner or if it’s done compulsively and interferes with one’s life.”[25] This argument—in line with the addiction narratives discussed in chapter 1—isn’t about demonizing masturbation but nevertheless establishes intercourse as the norm within relationships and frames masturbation as something that potentially distracts from coupled harmony. Be it in the scenes where characters are sexily avant garde and masturbate to showcase counterculture values, alternatively, where they masturbate because marital sexual relations are absent, each of these examples presents masturbation not merely as a substitute, but as a deviation; that masturbation is a perversion of normal coupled relations. While in principle this idea could be construed as reiterating the heteronormative status quo of intercourse, the masturbators and their onlooking partners in these scenes aren’t actually celebrating their circumstances and aren’t the kinky or avant garde lovers discussed earlier, but rather are disgruntled: this isn’t the sexual relationship that they want, rather, it is the relationship they are settling for.
Masturbation as a sign of relationship trouble also appears in other guises notably where characters—often, but not exclusively women—masturbate to temporarily escape their unsatisfying relationship; a topic discussed further in chapter 10. In the Chilean comedy Sexo con amor (Sex With Love) (2003) for example, Maca (María Izquierdo)—whose husband was cheating on her, found a sex life outside of her marital unhappiness through masturbation. This equally transpired for Priscilla (Parker Posey) in the comedy-drama The Oh in Ohio (2006): she had not had an orgasm in a decade of marriage; acquiring her first vibrator changed this. In a scene from the comedy Drool (2009), unhappily married Anora (Laura Harring) masturbated while having an elaborate fantasy that alternated between sex with her husband and sex with her female neighbor. In an episode of Six Feet Under (2001–2005), Brenda (Rachel Griffiths), who was in a relationship with Nate (Peter Krause), masturbated while thinking about Scott (Grant Shue). In another episode—when Nate was married to Lisa (Lili Taylor)—he stopped his car by the side of the road and masturbated rather than going home. In a scene from Downloading Nancy, unhappy wife Nancy masturbated at her computer screen while she searched online for someone to kill her. The Australian horror film Long Weekend (2008), centered on married couple Peter (Jim Caviezel) and Carla (Claudia Karvan) who were on a short holiday. They were constantly bickering and in one scene, Carla masturbated. The exact same thing transpired in the original version of the film (1978) when wife Marcia (Briony Behets) masturbated.
While the masturbation in these scenes can be construed as a concession prize of the kind discussed in chapter 7, another way to read them is in line with masturbation as wasteful behavior. As encapsulated by the disappointed facial expressions of Sarah in Little Children, Charlotte in Sex and the City, Sean in Nip/Tuck, Matt in 9 Songs and Carolyn in American Beauty is that the sexual resources a partner is spending on masturbation should be channelled into the relationship.[26] The onanism view of masturbation—introduced in chapter 1—posited that the sin of masturbation was partly attributable to spilled semen. A more contemporary view, and one useful in interpreting the examples discussed above, suggests that by masturbating a person is leeching resources from their relationship—both sexual and emotional—that should otherwise be spent inside their dyad. Theologian Dennis Frederick argued this point in his book on porn addiction: “The underlying problem is that the practice of masturbation isolates you from your spouse—the touch, the relationship, the emotional and spiritual aspects of being with someone.”[27] Laqueur similarly alluded to this idea in his summary of eighteenth century rationales for condemning masturbation: “it kept men and women from the appropriate venue of pleasure that was the marital bed . . .”[28] Barbach and Levine also discussed these ideas:
There were also men who were in close relationships and had easy access to partners but who chose masturbation over partner sex when they wanted the physical release but felt the need to be alone or selfish.[29]
The same ideas are identified in Christian-themed self-help literature:
Masturbation does not give of oneself to another person. It is a self-gratifying act rather than a self-giving act. If sex is an expression of love, the masturbation says “I love me” rather than “I love you.” It is a selfish act meant for self-gratification.[30]
These themes reflect a very traditional view of relationships, but one that is a standard screen portrayal where it is assumed that couples can get everything from their relationship and that needs—particularly sexual—that get fulfilled elsewhere constitute betrayal.[31]
Discussed earlier was the Sex and the City scene where Trey—suffering erectile dysfunction—masturbated. This scene provides a good example of masturbation not merely signifying relationship problems but notably alluding to a connection between masturbation and sexual dysfunction.
In an episode of the television series Homeland (2011–), recently returned prisoner-of-war Brody (Damian Lewis) and his wife, Jessica (Morena Baccarin), were trying to restart their sex life. Brody asked his wife to take off her top. She did so and he started to masturbate. Jessica says, “let me” attempting to take over but Brody rebuffed her and said, “no, it’s better if you don’t.” Jessica looked offended. That Brody had been absent for over a decade already meant that their relationship was under stress, but his lack of “normal” sexual functioning and his choice to masturbate is a visual encapsulation of their problems: that for a man to choose self-stimulation when partnered sex is available means something must be wrong. A variant on this—where masturbation in fact caused sexual dysfunction—transpired in Love, Sex and Eating the Bones. Michael was addicted to porn and thus heavily involved with masturbation. When it came time for him to consummate his relationship with his new girlfriend Jasmine, he was unable to perform. This exact same dynamic transpired for Internet porn addict Lewis (Tyler Labine) in the Canadian comedy Control Alt Delete (2008). Akin to the Sex and the City example—where Trey could masturbate to porn but not manage sex with Charlotte—an undercurrent to both Love, Sex and Eating the Bones and Control Alt Delete was that masturbation had caused sexual dysfunction and rendered Michael and Lewis unable to perform in the ways expected of men: that they could only engage in immature sexual behavior rather than “real man” intercourse (chapter 2). These themes were also identifiable in the romantic-dramas Your Friends and Neighbors (1998) and Don Jon (2013). In Your Friends and Neighbors, Barry (Aaron Eckhart) was experiencing premature ejaculation problems; masturbation was his preferred sexual contact. In Don Jon, Jon’s (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) relationship with Barbara (Scarlett Johansson) was sabotaged because his addiction to porn had normalized a certain kind of pleasure for him rendering intercourse less than satisfying: according to Jon, “Real pussy’s not as good as porn.”
The connection between masturbation and sexual dysfunction—either as a cause or a symptom—has strong connections to the literature which demonizes autoeroticism. The eighteenth century physician Samuel Tissot, for example, described some of the health complaints of masturbators noting that, “Some patients become incapable of erection.”[32] Meagher similarly noted that, masturbation when habitual, “interferes with sustained high grade performance.”[33] These comments reflect some of the ideas discussed in chapter 1 whereby well into the early twentieth century masturbation was blamed for a variety of health complaints and maladies which today are accepted as in fact having no basis in self-stimulation.
Worth noting, an interesting subversion of the masturbation-causing-dysfunction narrative is the act actually used as a treatment: that masturbation has a role in helping relationships rather than hindering them. Period dramas The Road to Wellville (1994) and Hysteria (2011) both included scenes of women being administered vibration therapy by doctors. While the devices used were similar in functionality to today’s sex toys—and the orgasm objectives mirror the standard aims of contemporary vibrator use—that doctors administered the stimulation in these scenes render them less masturbatory (as the practice is defined in this book) and more akin to other kinds of therapy. There are however, a number of examples where self-stimulation is used to treat maladies. Mentioned already in this chapter is The Oh in Ohio. After the breakdown of Priscilla’s marriage due to her inability to orgasm, attending a masturbation workshop helped her markedly. Priscilla had her first orgasm, became more sexually responsive—more sexually expressive—and reaped a variety of benefits accordingly. In a scene from Nip/Tuck, Dr. Cruz (Roma Maffia) coached to orgasm Manya (Aisha Tyler), a Somalian model who had a clitoral reconstruction surgery. Along similar lines, in an episode of the British series Strictly Confidential (2006), sex therapist Linda (Suranne Jones) had instructed her patient Tiffany (Nikki Sanderson)—who had been having sexual difficulties—to insert a finger inside herself when she was comfortable in order to acclimatize herself to penetration. Later in the episode Tiffany did this while her partner massaged her. For Priscilla, Manya and Tiffany, masturbation enabled them to experience pleasure and escape some of their anxieties. While the issue of masturbation as related to esteem and empowerment is addressed further in Chapter 9, suffice it to say, it is noteworthy that masturbation in these examples is prescribed as a technique for women. While we don’t quite know the particular masturbation method deployed in Nip/Tuck, in Strictly Confidential Tiffany was instructed to penetrate herself. While on one hand the idea of prescribed masturbation can be construed as positive and a modern approach to sexuality, the masturbation instructed was in fact intended to prepare Tiffany for intercourse and thus subtly established partnered sex as the norm in turn rendering masturbation as merely something transitory; something to lead Tiffany to a more “normal” sex life.
Another way masturbation is linked to relationship woes is when it is participated in because the relationship is sexually unsatisfying; that coupled individuals masturbate to obtain the sexual pleasure not found in their intercourse life.
In a variety of scenes, masturbation is both a sign of, and response to sexual dissatisfaction: characters aren’t receiving the sexual pleasure that they had hoped from their relationships and so autoeroticism serves as an alternative. In American Beauty, Lester masturbated in bed lying next to his wife. When caught, he explained,
Well excuse me but some of us still have blood pumping through our veins. . . . The new me whacks off when he feels horny ‘cos you’re obviously not going to help me out in that department!
Lester and Carolyn hadn’t been having sex and thus masturbation was Lester’s means of tending to his needs. Interestingly, Carolyn claimed to have unmet needs herself in this scene, but given that she referred to Lester’s masturbation as “disgusting,” it is assumed that masturbation was not the method she used to tend to hers (in fact, her solution was infidelity). Similar themes are identifiable in the teen-comedy American Reunion (2012). Michelle (Alyson Hannigan) and Jim’s (Jason Biggs) sex life had waned since the birth of their son: the demonstration of this was Jim masturbating into a sock while watching porn and Michele masturbating in a bubble-bath with a hand-held showerhead. In an episode of the drama series Dirt (2007–2008), Holt (Josh Stewart) was in bed with his girlfriend Julia (Laura Allen). They had just “finished” having sex and Julia complained, “I was about to come.” She tried to coerce Holt to touch her, he pushed her away, so she retorted, “fine, I’ll make myself come,” and proceeded to masturbate. In the drama The Fox (1967), Ellen (Anne Heywood) masturbated in front of a mirror. While this scene could simply be construed as a display of Ellen’s relationship unhappiness, the fact that her relationship was with a woman but that she was fantasizing about a man seemed to indicate that sexual dissatisfaction was at least part of her problem. Incorporating similar sexual-orientation themes, in the French drama Je t’aime moi non plus (I Love You, I Don’t) (1976), Johnny (Jane Birkin) was in love with Krassky (Joe Dallesandro), however, Krassky was homosexual and was only able to become aroused through anal sex, which Johnny found painful. In one scene Johnny masturbated while holding a doll. In these scenes, characters evidently decided that their relationship offered something worth retaining even with the lack of sexual pleasure. Sexual satisfaction was however, still craved and thus the characters concocted their own solution: autoeroticism.
Rather than being pleased about his wife’s orgasms in The Oh in Ohio, instead Jack was insulted. His response highlights a common theme in scenes of masturbating partners: that such behavior is often construed as sexually threatening.
A character who is sexually rejected by a partner may masturbate to substitute for desired intercourse. The masturbation of one partner can however, be construed as rejection by the non-masturbating partner who perceives the behavior as an attack.
In chapter 7, I discussed masturbation as a more efficient and effective route to orgasm. For characters whose partners have a lower sex drive, lack talent or patience, masturbation serves as a viable substitute. Another explanation is that masturbation in these scenes is a response to the reality that assuming that any single relationship—or any one person—can meet all of an individual’s needs is foolish[34] and thus masturbation can be a way for both parties to remain in an imperfect partnership, to not cheat but also to not suffer in silence nor forego orgasm.
In the romantic-comedy She’s The One (1996), Renee’s (Jennifer Aniston) husband Francis (Mike McGlone) no longer wanted to have sex with her. Renee threatened Francis that unless he changed his attitude that she was going into the bathroom to masturbate. Renee revealed to Francis that she does this on occasions because, “Occasionally I need sex. I’m married to a man who doesn’t like to have sex anymore. So from time to time, I like to pleasure myself with a vibrator.” This idea that characters masturbate when they are sexually rejected—or at least when denied—is identifiable in a number of examples. In La femme qui pleure, Dominique attempted to seduce her husband Jacques; he rebuffed her so she masturbated. In an episode of the crime-series Brotherhood (2006–2008), Kath (Tina Benko) attempted to seduce her ex-boyfriend Michael (Jason Isaacs). He rejected her advances so she masturbated. In Erosion, Irene (Charis Michelsen) attempted to seduce her husband, he said he needed to go to sleep, so she masturbated. In the Australian comedy The Rage in Lake Placid (2003), Jane (Saskia Smith) propositioned her colleague Placid (Bee Lee); he denied her, she masturbated. In the mystery Mulholland Dr. (2001), Camilla (Laura Harring) rejected her lover Diane (Naomi Watts): Diane then masturbated. In the comedy Hall Pass (2011), Fred (Jason Sudeikis) was told by his wife (Christina Applegate) that they wouldn’t be having sex; he went to his car to masturbate.
In these examples, characters who were sexually rejected opted to self-stimulate. While masturbation could be construed as functioning as a substitute (chapter 7) or even an I’ll show you attack on the partner who had denied them, it can also, more simply, be read as their attempt for gratification, that rather than suppressing their sexual needs, instead, they are demonstrating self-sufficiency and handling matters themselves. While the masturbator might have no motive other than sexual pleasure, such an act may nevertheless be interpreted by their partner as rejection. In She’s the One for example, while Francis didn’t want to have sex with Renee, he was also offended by the idea that a) she had sexual needs irrespective of his disinterest, and b) that she could tend to them herself.
Offence is taken substantially further in a scene from the French drama À l’aventure (2009); Sandrine (Carole Brana) so offended her boyfriend (Jocelyn Quivrin) by masturbating after they had sex that he moved out shortly thereafter. In a scene from the Chilean crime-drama Tony Manero (2008), Raúl (Alfredo Castro) took a young woman (Paola Lattus) back to his room for sex. He undressed her, but before he could undo his pants, she ended up walking away from him and masturbating. The inference was that she was frustrated that he was taking so long; Raul, in turn, was left rejected, frustrated and humiliated. In The Oh in Ohio, Jack arrived home to find his previously unorgasmic wife, Priscilla, climaxing with a vibrator. In the very next scene he was driving alone, looking miserable: a sex toy was able to achieve what he couldn’t in ten years of marriage.[35] In the series Love Bites (2011), Carter (Kyle Howard) arrived home to hear his fiancé Liz (Lindsay Price) moaning and groaning to discover that not only was she using a vibrator, but—far worse for his ego—she claimed that she just had her first real orgasm. In the aforementioned Nip/Tuck episode, part of Sean’s annoyance at his wife’s masturbation was that they had just had sex and she, seemingly, had an orgasm; her subsequent masturbation made it obvious to Sean that she had actually faked it. Like the examples discussed earlier, masturbation can function as a sign of a doomed relationship. In these scenes however, the narratives are less concerned with masturbation as a metonym for a failing relationship and more so were a way to illustrate that the one partner was not getting what they needed from the relationship and thus the union was being jeopardized. While there might be an unspoken expectation that a partner should tend to those needs—this is certainly the case in She’s the One, Erosion, La femme qui pleure, Mulholland Dr. and Hall Pass scenes where a character’s failed attempt at seduction had them resorting to masturbation—some characters self-stimulate simply because they prioritize sexual pleasure. This is a particularly noteworthy interpretation for the scenes where women masturbate. In a world—and mediascape—where men are always assumed as a) oversexed and b) always ready for intercourse, these examples present women not only as undersexed but not willing to tolerate it (and that masturbation can potentially be empowering, as examined in chapter 9).
In an episode of Sex and the City, Miranda’s housekeeper Magda (Lynn Cohen) hid Miranda’s vibrator, contending that owning one would decrease her chances of appearing wife-like: “It means you don’t need him.” In There’s Something About Mary (1998), Mary (Cameron Diaz) remarked, “Who needs him? I’ve got a vibrator!” Hinted at in these two examples—and made much more explicit in the scenes discussed above where women masturbate—is that in the process of a woman taking control of her sexual pleasure a man might be left feeling threatened; that she cope, can orgasm, without his assistance and in turn his role in the relationship is less clear. In his discussion of 9 Songs for example, film theorist Douglas Keesey asked, “Is the man insufficient just because the woman enjoys her own sex?”[36] This idea of men’s feared insufficiency is identifiable in many of the scenes discussed in this section and also in much writing on masturbation. Mopsy Kennedy for example, discussed this in her 1976 article about masturbation: “Men whose lovers masturbate regularly sometimes feel that a combination of automation and women’s growing self-sufficiency has taken away their job.”[37] Feminist writer Adrienne Rich made a similar point:
It seems more probable that men really fear not that they will have women’s sexual appetites forced on them or that women want to smother and devour them, but that women could be indifferent to them all together . . .[38]
Given the predominance of heterosexual narratives on screen, the idea of women being indifferent to men is easily disproven. However, that this idea is something men fear—that women’s masturbation gives them grounds for this—is certainly an interpretation for many of the scenes discussed in this section. In American Taboo, in my chapters on the portrayal of cunnilingus and vibrators, I noted that a dynamic is often created where men who attach esteem to their ability as a lover—and notably who define sex as centering on the penis-in-the-vagina—in turn feel threatened when women reap pleasure from sources other than their penis. For such a character to be confronted with the idea that their penis is actually not necessary for a woman’s pleasure can prove threatening, if not emasculating. This issue, in fact, was discussed by film theorist Greg Tuck where he noted,
[I]t could be argued that the negative attitudes associated with masturbation are evidence of a patriarchal anxiety that people will reject its normative demands and the linking of sexuality with ‘natural’ function.[39]
A woman in sex researcher Shere Hite’s research equally exhibited recognition of the possibilities of her masturbation being emasculating: “I enjoy masturbation physically, but not psychologically. . . . A partner’s ego is hurt because you can achieve so many orgasms to his one climax!”[40]
Men affronted by a female partner’s masturbation can be read as dramatically under-valuing the other essentials in coupled sex—intimacy, touch etc.—and in turn subtly demonstrate their lacklustre talents as a lover and offer explanation as to why their partner might be self-stimulating in the first place. Women in fact often value more than just the orgasm, in turn alluding to one reason why some women prefer intercourse even when it is less likely to result in their orgasm, and also providing another explanation for why the relationships in these scenes might be strained.[41]
While, as discussed throughout this chapter, there are examples of masturbation engaged in by people who are coupled, this is actually not a common portrayal: masturbation is much more commonly engaged in by singles. In this section I briefly examine some of the possible explanations for this. Sadock—quoted at the beginning of the chapter—noted that people in couples don’t completely abandon masturbation and this is indeed true. That said, research similarly indicates that people do tend to masturbate less as they age,[42] and some studies even specifically connect this to coupledom: that people masturbate less once they are in a relationship.[43] In their masturbation cultural history, Jean Stengers and Anne Van Neck quoted a nineteenth century physician, Monsignor Bouvier, who even suggested marriage as a cure for masturbation: “Sometimes marriage must be recommended, to those capable of entering into it, as the sole, or at least the most effective, remedy.”[44] Arguably therefore, coupled characters may masturbate less simply because coupled people in real life masturbate less. This idea relates to those discussed throughout this book, that some people simply prefer partnered sex to masturbation—for a variety of reasons—and thus couple up so that they don’t have to masturbate. This idea was subtly presented in an episode of the sitcom Maude (1972–1978). Maude (Beatrice Arthur) and partner Walter (Bill Macy) were making out when she stopped things. Walter, annoyed, made a jibe about not wanting to get pimples again; a nod to one of the mythical health consequences of masturbation (chapter 1), and also a loose allusion to Walter having coupled so as to not have to masturbate again as he did his youth.
Another explanation for the absence of masturbating coupled characters is the threat that such presentations pose to audiences, notably male audiences. Earlier in this chapter, I briefly alluded to the idea that women getting themselves off without a penis—in turn being sexually independent from men—can be read as threatening to a man who attaches value to his ability as a lover. In American Taboo, in my discussion of vibrator scenes, I identified the potential threat that such a display can cause in the narrative as well as in the audience:
[T]he idea that vibrators can do things that men can’t creates a dynamic where men may feel threatened. On the one hand, this might be construed as an accurate presentation—it is reasonable that a man might feel threatened by the functionality of a sex toy. On the other hand, it alludes to how men in the audience might feel when vibrators are put on the agenda, potentially highlighting a reason why vibrators aren’t a common screen inclusion.[45]
Just as film and television invariably eschews full frontal male nudity in consideration of its male audience (who are assumed to be uncomfortable with it),[46] it is perhaps unsurprising that the display of a man emasculated through his partner’s masturbation—alternatively, emasculated by being compelled to masturbate because his partner is not interested in intercourse[47]—is often avoided in consideration of an audience.
This chapter examined the role of masturbation in couple narratives. In chapter 9 the idea of masturbation as a way for a person—in couples or single—to empower themselves is examined.
Elaine Blair, “The Loves of Lena Dunham,” The New York Review of Books (June 7, 2012). Retrieved April 28, 2013 from http://www.nybooks.com/articles/archives/2012/jun/07/loves-lena-dunham/?pagination=false.
While masturbation can transpire during sex between intimates—for example when Chloe (Amanda Seyfried) masturbated while having sex with Michael (Max Thieriot) in the thriller Chloe (2009)—it can also occur in other kinds of sexual situations. In the drama Claire Dolan (1998) for example, the sex worker title character (Katrin Cartlidge) masturbated while she was penetrated from behind by a client. In a scene from the Italian drama Il portiere di notte (The Night Porter) (1974), a concentration camp guard appeared to be raping a prisoner: that prisoner however, was masturbating. In these scenes, masturbation functioned to make sex that might otherwise be unpleasant more so.
Bobbie Dempsey, The Everything Tantric Sex Book (Avon, MA: Adams Media, 2007), 110.
Brigitte Mars, The Sexual Herbal: Prescriptions for Enhancing Love and Passion (Rochester, VT: Healing Arts Press, 2010), 181.
Mark A. Michaels and Patricia Johnson, Great Sex Made Simple: Tantric Tips to Deepen Intimacy & Heighten Pleasure (Woodbury, MN: Llewellyn Publications, 2012), 38.
Such scenes for example, recall others from films like The Waterdance (1992) when manual stimulation, or Coming Home (1978) and Carne trémula (Live Flesh) (1997) where cunnilingus replaced intercourse. In each scene, the man couldn’t have sex due to disability and thus alternates were sought.
Lauren Rosewarne, American Taboo: The Forbidden Words, Unspoken Rules, and Secret Morality of Popular Culture (Santa Barbara, CA: Praeger, 2013), 26.
Benjamin J. Sadock, Kaplan and Sadock’s Synopsis of Psychiatry (Philadelphia, PA: Lippincott, Williams and Wikins, 2007), 685.
Arne Dekker and Gunter Schmidt, “Patterns of Masturbatory Behaviour: Changes Between the Sixties and the Nineties,” Masturbation as a Means of Achieving Sexual Health, eds. Walter O. Bockting and Eli Coleman (Binghamton, NY: The Haworth Press Inc. 2002): 35–48, 36.
Linda Levine and Lonnie Garfield Barbach, Shared Intimacies: Women’s Sexual Experiences (Gretna, LA: Wellness Institute, 1980), 76.
This idea is well illustrated in a scene from the British romantic-comedy I Give It A Year (2013), for example, when the marriage counsellor (Olivia Colman) speculated that husband Josh (Rafe Spall) might be gay. Josh explained that he’s so not gay that he doesn’t even like handling his own penis. A more academic version of this argument was articulated by psychiatrist Richard Alexander: “male masturbation provides visual as well as tactual stimuli that are very similar to those involved in some homosexual activities. If one is stimulated sexually a great deal by seeing his own erect penis, then to be sexually stimulated by seeing someone else’s is not such a great leap” (In Michael Ruse, “Are There Gay Genes? Sociobiology and Homosexuality,” Sex, Love, and Friendship: Studies of the Society for the Philosophy of Sex and Love 1977–1992, ed. Alan Soble (Atlanta, GA: Rodopi, 1997), 69). Queer theorist Eve Kosofsky Sedgwick also wrote of masturbation as crossing the heterosexual/homosexual divide because such sexualities assume sex with somebody else rather than the self (Eve Kosofsky Sedgwick, Tendencies (Durham, NC: Duke University Press, 1993).
Lauren Rosewarne, American Taboo: The Forbidden Words, Unspoken Rules, and Secret Morality of Popular Culture (Santa Barbara, CA: Praeger, 2013).
Jace Lacob, “‘Girls’: Graphic Content, Objectification, and That Scene,” The Daily Beast, March 12, 2013. Retrieved September 3, 2013 from http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2013/03/12/girls-graphic-content-objectification-and-that-scene.html.
Caroline Preece, “What’s the Verdict on HBO’s Girls?” Den of Geek! (June 22, 2012). Retrieved September 3, 2013 from http://www.denofgeek.us/tv/girls/21755/whats-the-verdict-on-hbos-girls.
This sex act was also referenced in the comedy-drama Employee of the Month (2004): sex worker Whisper (Jenna Fischer) offered David (Matt Dillion), “You can jerk off on my tits if you want to.”
Robert Jensen and Gail Dines, “The Consent of Mass-Marketed Pornography”, Pornography: The Production and Consumption of Inequality, eds. Gail Dines, Robert Jensen and Ann Russo (New York: Routledge, 1998): 65–100, 79.
In Part-Time Perverts I discussed this issue noting that homosexuality is a perversion “because it is sexual behavior that is not mainstream and that no matter how it is practiced, it can never comply with society’s narrow understanding of vanilla” (Lauren Rosewarne, Part-Time Perverts: Sex, Pop Culture and Kink Management (Santa Barbara, CA: Praeger, 2011), 3).
Lauren Rosewarne, Part-Time Perverts: Sex, Pop Culture and Kink Management (Santa Barbara, CA: Praeger, 2011), 113.
The role of dirty talk in cinema is discussed further in Lauren Rosewarne, American Taboo: The Forbidden Words, Unspoken Rules, and Secret Morality of Popular Culture (Santa Barbara, CA: Praeger, 2013).
In an episode of the sitcom Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000–), Larry (Larry David) was too “tapped out” to have sex with his wife, Cheryl (Cheryl Hines), due to his earlier masturbation. Cheryl was visibly annoyed: while unspoken, it appeared her belief was that Larry’s sexual energies should be spent inside their dyad.
Adrian L. James and Kate Wilson, Couples, Conflict and Change: Social Work with Marital Relationships (London: Tavistock Publications, 1986); Albert McDonnell, When Strangers Marry: A Study of Marriage Breakdown in Ireland (Dublin: Columba Press, 1999); David Schnarch, Resurrecting Sex: Solving Sexual Problems and Revolutionizing Your Relationship (New York: HarperCollins, 2002); Sylvie Aubin and Julia R. Heiman, “Sexual Dysfunction From a Relationship Perspective,” The Handbook of Sexuality in Close Relationships, eds. John H. Harvey, Amy Wenzel and Susan Sprecher (Mahwah, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates, 2004): 477–517.
John F. W. Meagher, The Study of Masturbation and the Psychosexual Life (London: Bailliére, Tindall and Cox, 1936), 79.
Thomas W. Laqueur, Solitary Sex: A Cultural History of Masturbation (New York: Zone Books, 2003), 378.
In Mels van Driel, With the Hand: A Cultural History of Masturbation (London: Reaktion Books, 2012), 18.
Michele Weiner Davis, The Sex-Starved Wife: What to Do When He’s Lost Desire (New York: Simon and Schuster, 2008), 186.
This issue was alluded to in a scene from the romantic-comedy Going the Distance (2010). Garrett (Justin Long) was in a long-distance relationship with Erin (Drew Barrymore) and he was discussing the rules of the dyad with his friends Dan (Charlie Day) and Box (Jason Sudeikis). Box asked whether Garrett could see other people and Dan asked, “Can you masturbate?” Garrett found the question strange and Dan explained, “Some girls frown on it.” While the why of some girls frowning on it isn’t explained, one explanation is because of the belief that some women might prefer sexual resources to only be spent within the relationship and not “wasted” on masturbation. This same issue was discussed in Jean Stengers and Anne Van Neck’s cultural history of masturbation where they quoted from Charles Sorel’s 1623 novel Histoire comique de Francion where a light-hearted reference to masturbation was made: “For my part I was hardly enamored of that particular passion. . . . I did not wish to make an enemy of the ladies, for they mortally despise those who so deprive them of their own due” (In Jean Stengers and Anne Van Neck, Masturbation: The History of a Great Terror (New York: Palgrave, 2001), 34).
Dennis Frederick, Conquering Pornography: Overcoming the Addiction (Enumclaw, WA: Pleasant Word, 2007), 125.
Thomas W. Laqueur, Solitary Sex: A Cultural History of Masturbation (New York: Zone Books, 2003), 255.
In Linda Levine and Lonnie Garfield Barbach, The Intimate Male: Candid Discussions About Women, Sex, and Relationships (Gretna, LA: Wellness Institute Inc. 1983), 92.
Sheree Whitters Havlik, Because We Love Them: Fostering a Christian Sexuality in our Children (Notre Dame, IN: Sorin Books, 2004), 105.
Lauren Rosewarne, Cheating on the Sisterhood: Infidelity and Feminism (Santa Barbara, CA: Praeger, 2009).
In Jean Stengers and Anne Van Neck, Masturbation: The History of a Great Terror (New York: Palgrave, 2001), 34.
John F. W. Meagher, The Study of Masturbation and the Psychosexual Life (London: Bailliére, Tindall and Cox, 1936), xi.
Lauren Rosewarne, Cheating on the Sisterhood: Infidelity and Feminism (Santa Barbara, CA: Praeger, 2009).
Something very similar transpired in the film Lie With Me (2005) when Leila (Lauren Lee Smith) masturbated in front of her lover David (Eric Balfour). In his discussion of this scene, film theorist Douglas Keesey wrote “when Leila herself begins to masturbate with her hand down her panties, David stops and runs away like a frightened boy. . . . Her desire is too much for him because he fears he won’t be enough to satisfy it” (Douglas Keesey, Contemporary Erotic Cinema (London: Kamera Books, 2012), 52).
Douglas Keesey, Contemporary Erotic Cinema (London: Kamera Books, 2012), 48.
Mopsy Strange Kennedy, “The Sexual Revolution Just Keeps on Coming,” Mother Jones (December, 1976): 25–29, 27.
Adrienne Rich, “Compulsory Heterosexuality,” The Lesbian and Gay Studies Reader, ed. Henry Abelove (New York: Routledge, 1993), 236.
Greg Tuck, “The Mainstreaming of Masturbation: Autoeroticism and Consumer Capitalism,” Mainstreaming Sex, ed. Feona Attwood (New York: I.B. Tauris, 2009), 80.
In Shere Hite, The Hite Report: A Nationwide Study of Female Sexuality (New York: Seven Stories Press, 1981), 55.
This issue was discussed by philosopher Leonard Sumner where he noted, “an orgasm induced by masturbation may actually be more intense and focused than one with a long-term romantic partner, but that is not to say that it is preferable. (There is more to sex than the physical sensations it engenders)” (Leonard W. Sumner, Welfare, Happiness, and Ethics (New York: Oxford University Press, 1996), 107). This was also discussed in Lauren Rosewarne, “The Key to Female Pleasure is All in her Head,” ABC The Drum (October 2, 2013). Retrieved October 7, 2013 from http://www.abc.net.au/news/2013-10-02/rosewarne-the-pursuit-of-female-pleasure/4992534.
Virginia Rutter and Pepper Schwartz, The Gender of Sexuality: Exploring Sexual Possibilities (Lanham, MD: Rowman and Littlefield, 2012).
Alfred C. Kinsey, Wardell B. Pomeroy and Clyde E. Martin, Sexual Behavior in the Human Male (Bloomington, IN: Indiana University Press, 1975); Edward O. Laumann, John H. Gagnon, Robert T. Michael, and Stuart Michaels, The Social Organization of Sexuality: Sexual Practices in the United States (Chicago, IL: University of Chicago Press, 1994).
In Jean Stengers and Anne Van Neck, Masturbation: The History of a Great Terror (New York: Palgrave, 2001), 15-16.
Lauren Rosewarne, American Taboo: The Forbidden Words, Unspoken Rules, and Secret Morality of Popular Culture (Santa Barbara, CA: Praeger, 2013), 217.
Lauren Rosewarne, American Taboo: The Forbidden Words, Unspoken Rules, and Secret Morality of Popular Culture (Santa Barbara, CA: Praeger, 2013).
This issue was actually alluded to by a man in Linda Levine and Lonnie Barbach’s study who claimed “It’s something you do when you can’t get a woman. . . . . Masturbation is something a true he-man never has to do” (In Linda Levine and Lonnie Garfield Barbach, The Intimate Male: Candid Discussions About Women, Sex, and Relationships (Gretna, LA: Wellness Institute Inc. 1983), 84).