Beth lay awake looking at Alejandra’s sleeping form. She might be the first person to ever hope a baby would wake up. She needed the distraction, something to keep from thinking about the mess she had made with everything. When the baby looked up at her with her big brown eyes, Beth knew she had done the right thing. It was stupid and reckless but it was right.
She hadn’t been able to go back to sleep. For three hours she stared at the ceiling. From the light of the alarm clock she could make out the cast-iron arms of the rustic chandelier. In her mind she traced them over and over.
She was exhausted. Unlike Torres, she needed her sleep. Ahh Torres. Beth closed her eyes. Not even telling herself that he would soon be gone made the sting any less painful. Last night had been the most surreal experience of her life. Physically it was the most pleasurable and emotionally it was…shit: absolute shit. She was humiliated and embarrassed and ashamed and dear God there were not enough pejorative terms for what she felt. She was going to need to buy a thesaurus to encapsulate her humiliation in a more succinct manner. There had to be a word for it.
Shitty summed it up quite nicely actually.
Beth took a deep breath and let it out slowly. She had to face him eventually. She swung her legs over the side of the bed. Best to just bite the bullet.
“Hi,” Torres said from the kitchen.
Heat rose in her cheeks. Her heart thumped frantically in her chest. She fought the urge to run back into the bedroom and slam the door. “Hi.” She forced the word out.
“Want some coffee?”
Beth’s eyes widened. Unbelievable. That was the game they were playing, humiliate and forget. Brilliant, she would be great at that. She ignored things better than most people. She was able to ignore the fact that she green-lighted murder: ignoring a bit of humiliation would be a walk in the park. “That would be great, thanks.”
Torres poured her a cup before he added milk and maple syrup to sweeten it. He knew how she took her coffee. The realisation made her stop. She had spent the night with her fair share of men and she didn’t think any of them knew how she took her coffee. Then again Torres also knew what every inch of her body felt like, what she tasted like, and no doubt what her face looked like after he rejected her.
Beth took the mug he offered. His fingers brushed hers. Her skin warmed at the touch.
She couldn’t ignore this. The humiliation wasn’t going to go away. “Look, Torres.”
Beth’s mobile phone rang in the other room. Beth jumped when she heard the ringtone she had assigned to Patterson: ‘You’re So Vain’ by Carly Simon.
She nearly tripped over her feet as she ran to answer it. It had to be news about Alejandra’s family in El Salvador.
“Hey,” Beth said.
“Hey. Is Torres with you?”
Beth looked up. Torres was there, staring at her. She turned her back to him. “Yeah.”
“Good. Nobody made him,” Patterson said. “His cover is fine.”
Beth shook her head. “How can you be sure?”
“How can I be sure? Um…because one of us is good with intelligence.”
“Don’t.” Beth didn’t have time for this today. He expected her to say something cutting in return. Everything was a pissing contest with Patterson, a numbers game of one-upmanship. He hated sharing authority with her. Most days Beth held her own, but today she wasn’t even going to try. “You can’t be sure of that. If it’s not 100% safe, I’m calling it.” Beth was careful not to say his name and let them know they were talking about him.
“Look at you going all soft. Are you sleeping with him or something?” Patterson laughed. He cracked himself up.
“Screw you.”
“Settle down.” Patterson laughed again. “Too much time in Taco Town. Ready to come home, señorita?”
Beth wondered if Patterson had any idea how unbelievably racist he sounded sometimes. “Why did you call me?”
“Not for the small talk. You suck at that.”
“Yep…anyway.”
“No joy in locating living relatives for the kid.”
Now he was just being an asshole: A lazy asshole. “Look again. Maria Sanchez has a mom and two sisters in San Salvador. Want their names and addresses too?” Beth shook her head. This is why she liked working alone, no one to drop the ball.
“Had family. All dead.”
Beth’s eyes narrowed. Had she misheard him? “No. Look again. Anita Sanchez owns a pharmacy. Check again. Both sisters work there.”
“Nothing to check. Confirmed it this morning with the PNC.”
“What?” Beth shook her head. “That’s not right. My information is good.”
“It was good until about 7pm Pacific Standard Time last night. All shot in the head. A photo of a scorpion was nailed to the pharmacy shutters. Want me to send you the photos to match what you have in your files?”
Beth’s heart stopped. “No.” Oh God. What did this mean?
“OK, we need Torres back in Nuevo Laredo tonight. There is talk of movement over the World Trade Bridge.”
“His cover—” Beth started again. He couldn’t go back. It wasn’t safe. She could feel it.
“His cover is fine. Every source is reporting a crazed white woman screaming bloody murder and then stealing a baby. People even saying you were the shooter. People think it was a kidnapping gone bad. Nobody is even mentioning a Hispanic male. Turns out you made enough of a scene to cover him. Well played. I’m sure that is what you were planning the whole time,” Patterson said sarcastically.
She was never going to live this down. “What about Alejandra?”
“Who?”
“The baby.”
“Oh yeah, the kid you stole. She is coming to America. She is now officially in federal custody until further notice. You fucked up, Beth.”
“Yep I did.” Beth shifted from one foot to the other. “What’s going to happen to her?”
“A safe house until Martinez is found.”
Beth’s eyes widened. That could be years. “Who is going to take care of her?”
“Not my problem. We just need to get her out of Mexico before anyone gets suspicious. There will be papers waiting for you at the airport. Anyone asks: she is your kid. You were in Mexico visiting her father: your ex-husband. Got it?”
“Yeah I got it.” Normally Beth was the one giving orders.
Beth hung up the phone.
“What did he say?” Torres asked when she was off the phone.
Beth turned around slowly to face him. It was game on. She was still his superior. “We need you back in Nuevo Laredo.”
Torres didn’t respond.
“I’m leaving today with Alejandra. I shouldn’t be seen with you. Your cover is still intact. Let’s keep it that way,” she said as if it was a matter of fact.
“Beth, we need to talk.”
She brushed past him. “We need to minimise our contact. Safer for you to stay out of Laredo all together.” She was talking shit. It wasn’t any safer for him in Nuevo Laredo than Mazatlan. But it would be easier for her. He wasn’t safe anywhere but it wasn’t her call any more and it wasn’t her problem. “Call me if you need to. I won’t need to see you again unless…” Her voice trailed off. There was really no need to see him. He could go through Patterson.
“Beth stop, we need to talk.”
Beth spun in her heel. “What, do you want out?” For a brief second she let herself hope he would say yes.
“No.”
“Good. Then we have nothing to talk about. Alejandra’s maternal family have been murdered. Probably Martinez.”
“Shit. I’m sorry, Beth. It’s not your fault.” His dark eyes brimmed with sadness. But he was good at faking emotion.
Beth held her hand up. “No. I know it’s not my fault. I don’t need you to comfort me.” The way he had comforted her last night would provide enough humiliation for the rest of her life.
She turned and walked towards the bedroom again.
“Beth, stop it. I need to talk to you.”
When she opened the door, Alejandra was sitting up in bed. Tears welled in her eyes.
Beth’s heart sank. She didn’t think it was possible to feel any worse than she did before. She really needed to stop challenging the universe like that.
“Oh baby girl.” Beth scooped her up. “Were you scared? I know. It’s scary isn’t it? But I’m here. You’re not alone.” Beth kissed the top of her head.
She had messed up. Taking Alejandra was the wrong thing do. But she would do it again a million times over. “Let’s get you fed and a fresh diaper.” Thankfully Torres had gone to town and bought supplies for her. He was surprisingly considerate for an asshole.
Torres handed her a diaper and wipes before he left her alone to get the baby ready. Beth dressed her in the red polka dot dress Torres had brought back last night. She brushed the baby’s hair and then fastened a clip at the side to keep her ringlets from falling into her eyes. “Pretty Girl,” Beth said as she kissed the tip of her nose. That what Beth’s mom called her: Pretty Girl.
Torres had already set the table for them. He had made pancakes. The scene was too domestic for her. She didn’t have the energy to pretend this morning. She handed Torres the baby. “I need to take a shower,” Beth said. It was an excuse. She just didn’t want to sit in the same room as Torres.
Torres nodded.
Beth took her time in the shower. She lathered, rinsed and repeated, something she had never done before; it seemed like a waste of money and shampoo but the longer she was in the shower the less time she had to be with Torres.
Beth pulled her wet hair back into a ponytail. She sat on the edge of the bed. She could hear Alejandra laughing. Of course she was, apparently all females had an affinity for Torres. Beth rolled her eyes.
She was being petty and stupid. Torres was not obliged to get a blowjob from her. She needed some perspective; he had refused a sex act, not committed a federal crime.
To be fair, he had actually committed federal crimes while he was undercover, and none of those had her sulking. She needed to put on her big girl panties. Yes rejection was hard, mortification was worse…but there was no need to be a petulant child about it.
“OK, big girl, time to man up,” Beth said out loud. That didn’t even make sense but it was her best effort at a pep talk. Pep talks worked better out loud because they drowned out all the crap she was saying to herself in her mind. “Man up!” Beth said again when her feet didn’t move. “OK let’s get ur done.” She had heard that one often enough since she had moved to Texas.
But still nothing.
“The sooner you get back to Texas, the sooner you get Blue Bell ice cream.” And with that, her body finally saw fit to see past her humiliation.
Beth walked into the kitchen. “Where’s Alejandra?”
Torres pointed to the alcove. A wooden gate was fastened across the front of the small room, effectively creating a large confined play area for her. Alejandra sat happily on the floor playing with a wooden toy Torres had bought for her yesterday.
“Where did you get the baby gate?”
“I made it last night.”
“She’s leaving today.”
“Yeah well I couldn’t sleep.” Torres shrugged.
Beth’s back stiffened. “Really? You had time to kill and this is what you chose to do? Unbelievable.” So much for putting on her big girl pants, apparently they had been swapped for her bitchy pants.
“I thought you didn’t want to talk about it.”
Beth rolled her eyes. “Of course I don’t want to talk about it. But—” Beth stopped herself.
“But what?”
Beth considered her words. What would make her sound the least pathetic? She shook her head. Any way she cut it she looked pretty pitiful. “Look Torres, I don’t know what your game is. But I’m not a charity case. I don’t need you to get me off.” He no doubt thought he had done the frigid cat lady a favour, showing her it was possible to have an orgasm with someone else.
Torres’ lips curled into a wicked smile. “Is that what you think it was?”
“I don’t know what it was.”
“Well that makes two of us,” Torres admitted.
Beth sighed. It wasn’t getting any less awkward. “Look, I had a crappy day. No I am actually having a crappy week. What happened last night was a mistake.” Beth gesticulated wildly with her hands. “A massive mistake. Of all the stupid things I have done, it was right up there with stealing a child. Not my finest moment.”
Torres nodded which only served to upset her more.
“Why did you do it?” she asked.
Torres let out a stream of air. His dark eyes trained on her. “Because I wanted to. I wanted to make you feel good.”
Beth shook her head. “So I was a charity case? Or was it to prove a point? You’re such a great lover; you can even make me come? Is that what it was, like a challenge? Once you proved you could do it, you were done.” Beth turned to check on Alejandra. It felt wrong having this conversation in front of her, which was ridiculous because she didn’t speak English and even if she did, she would have no idea what they were talking about.
“No, Beth.”
“That’s it?! That is your explanation?”
“What do you want from me, Beth?”
“I want to know why you wouldn’t let me—” Beth turned again to check on Alejandra who was happily using a spoon to try to turn the pages of a board book. “Return the favour,” she whispered.
Torres smiled, his eyes crinkling at the sides. “ You’re right I shouldn’t have let it happen. I might never see you again and I know you well enough to know you aren’t the kind of woman who sleeps around. If I was a good guy, I would have made you some hot milk and sent you back to bed but I’m not a nice guy. I wanted you. Straight up, nothing more, nothing less. I wanted to taste you and lick you until you came all over my face. I wanted to feel your body contract and hear you scream my name. No charity there, Gatita. Just straight up lust. I wanted to make you come.”
A hot flush touched her cheeks. It felt like a trap, luring her in just to shoot her down again. “But why didn’t you let me?”
Torres dropped his head. “Because I wouldn’t have been able to stop. My control was gone. I wanted you Beth and I couldn’t have stopped myself. I can’t remember ever wanting something more. It wasn’t a desire. It was bigger than that, uglier. I couldn’t have stopped myself.” His voice hushed, the shame palpable. “You said you trusted me not to hurt you but I could have.” The pain was written clearly on his face.
Beth’s breath caught in her throat. She understood. The way he reacted when she accused him of abusing women, he was scared of being like Flores.
He was nothing like Flores, the fact that he had stopped told her that. Tentatively she reached for his hand. “You would have stopped. But for the record: there is nothing you could have done to me last night that I wouldn’t have wanted. I don’t know if you noticed, but I was up for anything.” Her cheeks burned at the admission.
Torres wrapped his long fingers around hers. “Those are dangerous words, Gatita.”
Beth smiled. “Perhaps I should amend that. I was up for anything as long as it was legal…and hygienic…” Beth crinkled her nose as she thought. “Yep that about covers it. Just keep it legal and hygienic and we would be good to go.”
“What I did to you last night is still illegal in some states.”
“Good point. Let’s strike the legal requirement. As long as it is hygienic.” Beth threw her hands in the air. “Oh who am I kidding? We both know you could have talked me round on that part too. Basically I was up for it. Who knew I was that girl?” She shook her head at herself.
Torres smiled. “I did.”
Their hands were still interlinked. “Torres, you would have stopped if I asked.” She had no doubt in her mind.
He smiled faintly but it didn’t reach his eyes.
She needed him to know it was OK. “And if you hadn’t, I would have been OK with that too. I gave you permission to do anything you wanted. Turns out I trust you with my body.” She raised their linked hands and kissed his knuckles. Her heart was an entirely different matter, but he was certainly welcome to her body.
He leaned over and kissed her forehead. “What time do you need to be at the airport?”
“Now.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. I need to get out of Mexico ASAP.” She glanced over at the baby. “You can come back too, Torres. I’m not sure it is safe.”
Torres raised a dark brow. “Really, running drugs isn’t safe? Tell me more, Gatita.”
Beth pulled her hand away. “I’m serious. I can’t guarantee your cover is still intact.” She had already screwed things up enough. She couldn’t risk Torres’ safety. It wasn’t worth it: finding El Escorpion, getting home, none of it.
“Don’t start doubting yourself, Beth. You’re a good agent.”
She looked away. Three dead bodies said otherwise. “I’m worried about you, Torres. I have a really bad feeling about this.”
“It is dangerous,” he admitted. “That’s a given.”
“You don’t need to go back.”
“I do. I have to.”
Beth shook her head. “For Archila?” She never knew the man but she had a sudden and intense disdain for him.
“And for me. I have to do this.”
Beth bit her lip to stop it from shaking. This felt too much like goodbye forever. She no longer found any comfort in the thought that this was likely the last time she saw him. “As your superior, I know I should feel grateful that you are willing to continue, but as your friend, I want to talk you out of this.” If there was anything she could say to talk him out of it, she would. She could not shake the feeling that this was the last time she would see him.
Torres smiled. “I’ve never had a female friend.”
Beth laughed. “They always say you remember your first.”
“Trust me, Gatita, I’ll never forget you.”
Beth closed her eyes to keep the tears that were welling in her eyes from falling. She turned away so he couldn’t see her cry. She walked to the alcove and scooped up the baby. “OK baby girl, are you ready for your American adventure?” She wouldn’t let herself cry. Not in front of Torres; once she got on the plane her body could do whatever it wanted, but for right now, she was in control. “Come on, baby girl. Say goodbye to Torres.”
Torres leaned down and kissed the baby’s forehead. “Adios, mija.”
Then Torres turned to her and kissed her on the forehead again. She would have preferred he kissed her properly on the mouth but she would take what she could get. “Adios, Gatita. Take care of yourself.”