Dear Roz:
I can’t seem to get Billy Joel’s “Uptown Girl” out of my head. It’s been two weeks now. Help!
Adrienne
Boston, MA
Dear Adrienne:
There’s only one solution. You have to get another song into your head as soon as possible. Allan Sherman’s “Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah” is powerful enough to wipe out almost every other song in existence. Listen to it ten times, and I guarantee you will be praying for “Uptown Girl” to return.
Roz
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I have this theory that mustaches only look fetching on firemen. And, for some reason, on dwarves. Who else do mustaches look good on?
Graciously,
Penny
West Hartford, CT
Dear Penny:
It’s interesting that you should ask me that. I have tested mustaches of all styles—the “Walrus,” the “Toothbrush,” the “Lampshade,” the “Chevron,” the “Fu Manchu,” the “Pencil,” and many, many more—on both men and women of all ages and sizes. What I have discovered is that mustaches, especially the Fu Manchu, look amazing on babies. If you need evidence, draw a Fu Manchu in permanent marker onto a baby’s face and you’ll see just what I’m talking about.
Roz
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Dear Roz:
Ever since I was a little girl I’ve wanted to become famous. I’m a terrific singer, but success has so far eluded my grasp. I’m now twenty-two. How can I quickly climb my way to the top without alienating friends and family?
Ellen
Wahneta, FL
First of all, “Ellen,” I happen to know that you’re not twenty-two. How do I know this? Let’s just say I know. “Thirty-eight” is closer to the truth. Also, maybe the reason that success has eluded you is that you’re tone-deaf and have no sense of rhythm. Also, “Ellen,” I know your so-called “friends and family,” and you alienated them a long time ago.
Roz
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Dear Roz:
I’m a huge fan of baseball and I love to bring my mitt to professional games just in case an errant fly ball comes my way. Recently, I’ve been receiving some flak from my wife, who tells me that only children tend to bring mitts to professional baseball games. Where do you stand on this issue?
Scott F.
Lewes, DE
Dear Scott:
Here’s what I would do if I were in your shoes: Next time you and your wife go to a baseball game, don’t bring your mitt. Dress in business attire, and bring your laptop and a briefcase full of papers. While the ball game is going on, act all busy with your work. Your wife will say, “What are you doing?” and you’ll say, “Only children watch the whole baseball game. I’m a busy, busy grown-up!” And she’ll say, “Oh, I see. So you’re being Mr. Sarcastic now.” And you’ll say, “What ever do you mean?” And she’ll say, “Don’t give me the psychological.” Etc. You get the picture.
Roz
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Dear Roz:
There’s a girl in my civics class (I’m in high school) who is extremely shy. I’ve asked her out a few times, but she just blushes and stammers a response. How can I take it to the next level without appearing too obnoxious or aggressive? I’m kind of shy myself.
Stuart
Dear Stuart:
Do you collect anything that’s easily transportable, like old postcards of motel swimming pools or pictures of prison cafeterias? Next time you see her, show her those. They’ll work like a charm.
Roz
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Dear Roz:
I feel like I am smelling the inside of my nose all the time, but the thing is, I don’t like the way it smells. How do I fix this?
Chad
Los Angeles, CA
I once had something like that happen with the inside of my mouth. It didn’t taste bad, but I felt like I couldn’t stop tasting it, no matter what I did. I could brush my teeth every five minutes, or eat a box of Oreos. Same deal. I’m sad to say that once you notice this, there is really nothing you can do about it.
Roz