Dear Merrill:
Say you’ve discovered you have bedbugs—at what point do you have to tell your roommates? And say those roommates are not actually your roommates, but a girl who just spent the night and is now asking what all the “red marks” are on her arms. What then?
Sammy
St. Paul, MN
Dear Sammy:
In a situation this dicey, obviously you should put off any discussion as long as you can. After that, I recommend a two-part program:
1. Begin by telling her, with a certain amount of awe, that red marks on the arms are a well-known side effect of a multiorgasmic sexual experience. This almost definitely will guarantee you a follow-up date. But if by then you have so many bugs that the mattress seems to be vibrating on its own, explain that the shimmy is an illusion caused by the incredible sexual energy generated between the two of you.
2. When this stops working (and it will), there’s nothing left for you to do to counter her rage except to be proactive. Begin by calling her a frigid slut who is so locked into an airtight middle-class shell of comfort that she will never experience a meaningful life. Then, as you throw her out, insist that you never had any trouble with bedbugs until she started spending the night. Remember to add, before you slam the door shut, that since she is spreading an infestation, she is morally obligated to inform all the other guys she is fucking. Now go buy your friends a pitcher of beer and celebrate yet another win-win situation for Sammy from St. Paul.
Merrill
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Dear Merrill:
My mom believes in UFOs. How long should I wait before I introduce new girlfriends to her?
Greg
St. Louis, MO
Dear Greg:
Well, it’s never wise to introduce a mom to a new girlfriend before the six-month mark—it’s only then that things will have begun to get serious enough to either merit a mom encounter or to come apart for unavoidable reasons. Having cleared that hurdle, next I suggest that you check with your mom’s psychic, astrologer, and numerologist for a comprehensive list of the times most compatible with her current UFO schedules. Input the data into your computer and collate them onto a spreadsheet that will offer a clear path to the best dates for the introduction. But I might as well warn you that no matter how much careful work you put into the architecture of the whole matter, there remains an almost 100 percent chance that your mom isn’t going to like your new girlfriend anyway. That’s just the way it works with moms and new girlfriends, as any good feng shui practitioner or aromatherapy expert will tell you.
Merrill
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Dear Merrill:
My wife is depressed and crying all the time. How do I cheer her up?
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous:
There is only one way to cheer up a depressive … and that is to present yourself as more depressed than they are. So begin right now by collecting a stack of hideous international news reports, crime scene accounts, and scientific papers detailing the threat of epidemics and world calamities. Before asking your wife what in particular is bothering her, select the stories that will easily beat hers in a one-on-one contest. And then when she begins to list her problems, go ahead and top her. For added fun, assign points for relative misery. If she says, “I am fat and no one loves me anymore,” shout out: “Okay! That’s fifty points for you!” Then read an article out loud written by someone who spent his childhood running from the Janjaweed militia. This should nab you an easy five thousand points in a single clip.
Having successfully eliminated your wife from the competition, remember to be a gracious winner and offer her a nice cup of hot chocolate and a piece of pie before you ask her if she is ready to go another round. This is only fair.
Merrill