Dear Rob:
What advice can you offer me in the event that I find myself trapped for several hours with my mortal enemy inside, say, a meat locker or a bank vault?
Paul Raabe
Dear Paul:
Stay calm, and then shoot him/her in the heart with a crossbow. Good luck!
Rob
• • •
Who’s the funkiest of the bunch? James Brown, Rick James, or Jeff “Skunk” Baxter, the guitarist from the Doobie Brothers?
Gary Gruppo
Atwood, KS
Dear Gary:
Hi, Jeff! It’s you, right, Skunk? Love the pseudonym! (Gruppo, as in “Gruppo guys rockin’ out and ‘smokin’ grass”? Very trippy, Jeff. Nice.) Clever move to include yourself on that list and thereby imply you’re in the same category as the Jameses, but you kind of shoot yourself in the foot with the part that explains who you are (really lowers your status compared with the other two). Anyway, good luck with the missile defense consulting career (I Wikipedia’d you!).
Rob
• • •
Dear Rob:
In ten words or less, could you please explain how the current Israel/Palestinian situation can finally be resolved once and for all? Just something simple, so we can all get on with our lives? Thanks much.
Rebecca Owen
Ann Arbor, MI
Give both sides penguins. Everyone loves penguins.
Rob
• • •
Dear Rob:
In your opinion, what are the lamest Guinness World Records to hold? Conversely, what are the best records?
Simon B.
Dear Simon:
Lamest Records:
—Longest penis, held by my ex’s current lover, what’s-his-name.
—Richest magician/inventor, held by same guy. Oh, I believe he’s called René. Kind of a lame name for a dude, right?
Best Records:
—Most holes punched in drywall during a dinner party (not an official category, yet, but I am petitioning Guinness).
Rob
• • •
I recently visited the South of France. I highly recommend it. I don’t have a question, I just thought you might want a suggestion for a travel destination. If you need more suggestions, just let me know.
Celia Jarden
Star Valley, NE
Dear Celia:
Really? The South of France? Aren’t you worried that by mentioning it here it’ll get discovered? Is it even accessible by normal transportation, or do you have to hire a “native guide” to get there? Muchas gracias, asshole!
Rob
• • •
Dear Rob:
I’m on the threshold of what may be my best work, but I’ve begun to struggle with the dreaded writer’s block. The beginning just fell onto the page, but now my ideas are starting to dry up and I feel like I’m straying from my original premise. So tell me, how would you write the autobiography of my life?
Judith Foxley
Waco, TX
Dear Judith:
How would I write the autobiography of your life. WTF, Judith?! I guess I would transmigrate my soul into your body when you were a baby and then just make all the same life decisions you did, except at the very end I’d enroll in a memoir-writing course at the Learning Annex.
Rob
• • •
Dear Rob:
I love the movie Mary Poppins but can’t stand Dick Van Dyke’s horrible fake Cockney accent. How can I watch the movie without this bothering me?
Amanda
Sun City, AZ
Dear Amanda:
No offense, but this topic bores the tits off me. I literally have fallen asleep twice trying to make it to the end of your question. Here’s what you do: two tablespoons each of rosemary, lemon zest, and salt. Rub olive oil all over a whole chicken, sprinkle the lemon mixture on, and then bake at 375 for about an hour. It’s delicious. That’s got nothing to do with Mary Poppins—I’m just trying to offer somethin’ useful to save face for us both. Blimey!
Rob
• • •
I have this theory that you should never trust a man who points with his pinkie. Agreed? Who else should I not trust?
Mike
New Orleans, LA
Dear Mike:
The Buddha said, “He who seeks out others not to trust is a dickshine par excellence.”
Mike, you seem to have a lot going for you—you developed your own “theory” and you got it together to send in this question. Now bend your own pinkie backward and look who it’s pointing at. Try to show yourself some compassion, and then you may feel less of a need to nitpick the faults of others.
Rob
P.S. Technically it should be “Whom else should I not trust?” Peace.