Dear Allison:
Is it appropriate to neck on a first date?
Jackie Kruller-Lerner
Huntington, NY
Dear Jackie:
What a quaint and delightful question! It is refreshing to hear from a youth like yourself with such old-fashioned values! “Necking” or “making out” can be daunting for inexperienced young people. Many fear that they will be labeled a “tease” if they “neck” a partner on the first date, but then refuse to take the next step and give him or her a “rimjob.” In such cases, it can be helpful to remember the old saying: “First date we neck? Sure, what the heck! Then anilingus? Not till next time you ring us!” As a reminder, I am sending you a sampler so you can cross-stitch this on a throw pillow. Good luck!
Allison
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Dear Allison:
I am having trouble finding a job because I have a degree in English and everyone knows that is a fake degree. Should I do telemarketing or just let the earth have me?
Michelle
Portland, OR
Dear Michelle:
I would like to help you but, frankly, your letter is breathtakingly insensitive to those of us who majored in telemarketing. Are you under the impression that you can simply waltz into a telemarketing position without ever taking courses like “Introduction to Telemarketing: Conceptions of the Sensory,” “Telemarketing Perspectives: The Poetics of American Humanism,” or even “Gendered Identities: An Introduction to Black Queer Telemarketing”? And your equally cavalier approach to taking your own life—“let the earth have me”—betrays an utter ignorance of how much hard work and scholarship goes into suicide. Those blunders aside, I do have some good news. Your English degree makes you uniquely qualified to compose a poem belittling all the poor suckers who majored in philosophy. What a bunch of idiots!
Allison
• • •
Dear Allison:
I am a real estate broker who works in an office of roughly thirty people. I enjoy my job greatly, but one of my coworkers seems to dislike me. He has done things like put paint chips in my coffee mug, and he once replied-all to an office-wide e-mail with a message implying that I had been in jail for deviant sexual behavior. He said both incidents were accidents, but I am like 83 percent certain they weren’t. How can I handle this situation without quitting my job?
Steve
St. Louis, MO
Dear Steve:
This is a serious matter. I strongly suggest you make an appointment as soon as possible with your human resources department. Bring a tape recorder to this and all following meetings. You will be asked to document every instance of your coworker’s hostile behavior in a log. Then you will be told to show your log to the human resources manager. This is a crucial moment, Steve, and you will have to restrain yourself from acting out sexually. Though technically they have ordered you to show them your “log,” they are referring to your documentation of inappropriate work incidents and not to your penis. Control yourself. Remember what the guys in Cell Block D said they’d do to you if they ever saw your face back in the pen. You can do this, Steve! If it gets tough, do that old trick where you try to estimate percentages to keep yourself from giving in to your sick, deviant instincts.
Allison
• • •
Dear Allison:
Do I look slutty in this?
Diane Bullock
Brooklyn, NY
Dear Diane:
It breaks my heart when women question themselves about looking or feeling sensual. We needn’t be ashamed of our sexuality. It is an essential part of our womanhood and of that we should be proud! If I could wish anything for you, Diane, it would be for you to spend less time worrying if you look slutty and more time worrying if you look like a tranny.
Allison
• • •
I’m really, really tired of answering the question “You ready for the weekend?” Who’s ever not ready for the weekend? Any way to answer this without just saying, “Yes. I am ready for the weekend”?
Lorna Holden
East Memphis, AR
Dear Lorna:
The only way to get around this annoyance is to schedule some really ambitious weekends. Make arrangements to take toddlers camping. Volunteer to hunt an escaped felon. Plan to listen to six hours of your local public radio personality introducing the American Songbook. You will be woefully unprepared for the weekend, and when asked if you’re ready for it, you will freak out and teach your questioner a lesson. Then renege on your vow to listen to public radio. You’re not a martyr.
Allison
• • •
Dear Allison:
What’s one to do about the expanding snake population in the Florida Everglades? Friends or enemies?
Todd M.
Jacksonville, FL
You’re from Jacksonville! I’m from Gainesville! I used to be on the debate team and we’d go up to Jax to compete against Terry Parker HS. Did you go to Terry Parker? I get so annoyed when I say I’m from the South and people are like, “No, you’re not. You’re from Florida.” And I’m like, “I’m from North Florida. That’s the South.” They think all of Florida is Boca or Naples or something. And I always say that Tom Petty is from Gainesville and that Lynyrd Skynyrd and Molly Hatchet are from Jacksonville. And they’re like, “Oh, I had no idea.” Good thing you probably don’t have to deal with that since you live down there and not in New York like I do now! Do you know that they call a cookout a “barbecue” up here? Like, they could be just grilling hamburgers but since they’re doing it outside they call it a barbecue. I learned that the hard way (by going to a lot of so-called “barbecues”!). And when you tell people it’s not a barbecue, they’re like, “Oh, what do you know about barbecue? You’re from Florida. That’s not the South.” And I’m like, “I’m from North Florida!” Anyway, thanks for your question about the Burmese pythons in the Everglades. It’s pretty much a South Florida problem. So let those douchebags figure it out. Go Gators!
Allison
• • •
When offering someone Tic Tacs, what is the appropriate number of individual mints to shake out of the container?
Holly F.
Long Island, NY
Dear Holly:
When I was a child, my mother would put two Tic Tacs in the front of her mouth and pretend she was a bunny rabbit. So, no more than one.
Allison
• • •
Dear Allison:
My kid wants the latest thing. What is it?
Adrienne
Dear Adrienne:
It’s very hard to deliver up-to-the-minute information like the kind you request, Adrienne. The publication of a book can take a very long time. But because I believe there’s some truly revolutionary technology on the horizon, I am willing to take the risk!
It’s called a tea pouch.
You see, several months ago, a New York tea dealer named Thomas Sullivan was sending tea samples to prospective buyers. To catch the eyes of potential customers, he put his pinches of loose tea in little silk pouches. Well, the folks on the receiving end of these mailings had no idea the tea pouches were just for show. They didn’t know what to do with them, so they tried dunking them in hot water. You will not believe what happened next. Exposed to the hot water that flowed through the pouch, the tea leaves brewed a perfect cup of tea. Yet the leaves themselves remained contained within the pouch and were easily discarded! You see, the tea leaves were trapped in the silk, but the water could flow freely around them. The leaves stayed in the pouch throughout the brewing!
Do you realize what this means, Adrienne? No more rinky-dink loose tea leaves in our tea. I’m really keen on this tea pouch! It’s a humdinger!
I hope my exciting news is not out-of-date by the time this reaches you. As I said, the publication of a book can be a long process, and, until the canal is finished, we shall have to continue shipping our books on our old windjammer and pray each time that she survives one more trip around Cape Horn!
Allison