Dear Judd Apatow:
We’re thinking about publishing a sequel to You’re a Horrible Person, But I Like You. It’d be more or less the same thing as the first book, except with mostly different people, and different questions. Are we being redundant?
Thanks,
The Believer magazine
San Francisco, CA
Dear The Believer:
I really don’t know how to answer that question. There is a larger issue, which is: Why am I writing the intro to this book at all?
This is a mistake I keep making, saying yes to things for no apparent reason. I don’t know if it is because I get insecure or I need an ego stroke, but I keep finding myself in the same position, stuck with something I don’t want to do but said yes to because someone did a good job kissing my ass.
I don’t even understand what you want. Am I supposed to write something logical, or absurd? I have no idea.
I don’t even know if this book is for charity or if someone is going to make a shitload of money off it. I kind of always assumed it benefited some charity, but I don’t think that is correct. I also have the vague notion that the entire publishing empire that’s releasing it is a nonprofit, but I have no proof and am probably wrong about that. Or I am right.
One thing I do know is I get paid very well for my time and money and I am getting paid zero dollars to write this and that makes no sense at all.
I can’t even remember who asked me to do it. Probably someone who seemed smart and who made me feel like less of a dick-joke-writing idiot by asking, and I got all excited for all of five minutes till I realized it actually required real work.
I wouldn’t be writing this at all if Paul Rudd wasn’t ten minutes late to our meeting. If he’d been on time, today would have been the day I worked up the nerve to bail on this assignment so they could go manipulate some other insecure Jewish man into doing it.
Why not ask a non-Jew? Why not ask a woman? An African American? Someone from South America? Aren’t people ready for some new flavors of comedy at this point? I know I am. I might move to Nicaragua for a year or two just to come up with a new comedic angle that’s not based on my Jewish mother’s influence and child rearing. Maybe if I started a junta I could write a fresh joke. What is a junta? I need to find out.
Where the hell is Paul Rudd? He is always late. He was never late when his career wasn’t going well, but ever since I Love You, Man he could give a fuck about wasting my time.
Oh, there he is. Hey, Paul! You look good. I like the beard.
Judd