CHAPTER

18

Charlotte? Charlotte, can you hear me?”

Dr. Cairns’s face hovering over me. “Who’s Charlotte?”

“Here, give her some water,” a woman’s voice said.

“Don’t you have anything stronger?” Kindle said.

“We’re Friends, Mr. Oscar,” came an authoritative but kind male voice.

“Here.” A stocky man wearing a derby stepped forward and held out a flask. “Newspapermen always have whisky.”

Cairns tipped the flask to my lips. I sipped and sputtered. “Rotgut, Mr. Pope.”

Pope smiled. “Newspapermen can’t afford the good stuff.”

Cairns tried to tip more into my mouth but I pushed the flask away. “No, I’m fine.” He helped me sit up. “What happened?”

“You fainted, dear,” Mrs. Darlington said.

“Did I?” I thought back to what had preceded the swoon. “Maybe I will have another sip of your whisky, Mr. Pope. If you’d be so kind.”

The flask was presented and I sipped. “Thank you.”

“You should be in bed,” Dr. Cairns chided. “Sitting out here in the sun is too much for a woman in your condition.”

“I am fine,” I said. Cairns and Kindle helped me stand. Kindle held me close while I steadied myself on my feet.

“What brought it on?” Pope asked.

“We were talking of the agency’s move down the Canadian,” Deborah said.

Kindle’s grip tightened. “Would you like to return to your room?”

“Yes, I think you should,” Cairns said.

“No. I suppose the bump on my head and the warm bath caused my swoon. I am so sorry, Mrs. Darlington. The cobbler is getting cold.”

“Nonsense. Everyone knows cobbler is as good cold,” Mrs. Darlington said.

I smiled, appreciating her levity.

Pope returned his flask to his inner pocket and watched Kindle help me back to the bench.

“I am fine. Go back to the men.” I squeezed his hand and smiled. Worry creased his brow. He knew the significance of the Canadian. Cairns bent down and looked me in the eyes. I tried to keep my own as steady as possible. He wasn’t buying it. He straightened. “I advise you to go back to your room and rest.”

“Let me rest here for a bit first, and I will. I promise.”

“Come on, Oscar. I want to hear more about these whisky traders. You do have some adventures, don’t you?” Pope winked at me and ushered Kindle back to the men’s table.

The women chattered about their day for a while, letting me reacclimatize in peace. The tranquility and happiness from earlier vanished. I tried to separate the visual of Kindle loving me and the Comanche violating me. I felt Isabel Darlington’s hand on my arm. “Charlotte,” she said quietly. “Walk into the kitchen with me to get more cream.” I nodded, rose, and followed her.

When we were alone in the kitchen she ordered me to sit. She sat down and grasped my hand. “Focus on your breathing.” With a soft smile she nodded to me and closed her eyes. I did the same.

Her hand was steady on mine. Cool and dry. The distant murmur of conversation from the diners outside faded away until all I heard was Isabel’s and my gentle breathing. Sitting there, silently, I felt faintly ridiculous. I knew this was the Quaker way, sitting in silence and awaiting the voice of God. God hadn’t been too terribly concerned with my well-being for the last few months. I had serious doubts he would deliver a thunderbolt of clarity in the middle of a frontier kitchen. I should be up, doing something, speaking to someone, reading the latest medical journal, practicing my stitches, visiting patients.

You have none of those responsibilities now.

I opened my eyes. Only Isabel was with me, sitting silently, her eyes closed, an expression of complete tranquility on her face. I furrowed my brows and closed my eyes again. If stating the obvious was the best God could do, I was doomed.

I sat back and pulled my hands from Isabel’s. She opened her eyes.

“I apologize. I understand what you are doing,” I said. “But I do not believe as you do.”

Isabel smiled contentedly. “I know. I rarely hear God’s voice, even in meeting, but I always feel his presence and it calms me. At least once a day I sit in silence with God. It washes all of my worries, frustrations, and anger clean away.”

“Anger? You?” She was the most serene woman I’d ever met. Sitting with her I did feel calmer and could almost forget what had brought on my swoon.

“I had quite the temper growing up. This gray hair was once red. Brinton always says if God can tame me, taming the Indians will be a cinch.”

We turned toward a knock at the door. “I saw you come in,” Kindle said.

Isabel rose. “Time to clean up, I suppose.”

“Let me help.”

Isabel put a hand on my shoulder. “I won’t hear of it. Let Mr. Oscar take you back to your room. I hope you consider staying on for a few days to recuperate. I believe recent events confirm the necessity.”

I smiled wanly, but didn’t want to commit. “Thank you for your kindness.”

She left and Kindle took her place. “What happened?”

I rubbed my forehead and felt the painful bump in the center. I grimaced. “Nothing. I’m fine.”

“Stop it, Laura.” My head jerked up at his rough voice. “Don’t tell me you’re fine. You look like death.”

I dropped my hand onto the table. “Please forgive me. Does it bother you to see the result of everything I’ve gone through for the past few months? I’ll try to do a better job of shielding you from it. How thoughtless of me.”

I walked to the other side of the room and stared out the window. Everyone was finished with dinner but no one was moving to rise from the tables, enjoying a respite from the work of the day, and quite possibly, the setting sun.

“That isn’t what I meant,” Kindle said.

I crossed my arms. “I don’t know if it was the Canadian. Your brother said it was but he told so many lies … It isn’t only the name of the river. Sounds, smells bring it all back.” I exhaled a sharp, disbelieving laugh. “Splashing water. Croaking frogs.”

“I want to help you.”

I looked over my shoulder but didn’t turn. “How?” He remained silent, as I knew he would. “Besides turning back time and killing your brother at Antietam, what could you do, exactly?” I gazed out the window. “I can forget about it for a while, be happy, even, like this afternoon. But, it always returns.” I pressed my fist into my stomach. “What happened is deep inside me, a part of me.” My voice broke. “And I don’t know how to eradicate it.”

Kindle didn’t speak or move. The sun settled completely beneath the horizon, the signal for everyone to rise and clean up. They would be coming into the kitchen soon.

“We leave in the morning. The sooner we get you out of this country the better. We can ride hard and be in Independence in a week,” Kindle said.

“No.”

“What?”

I turned. “I’m tired of running.”

“Pope is itching to betray us, I can tell.”

“He won’t.”

“How do you know?”

“If he wanted the money he would have done it immediately. He wants something else.”

“What?”

“A story, probably.”

“Christ.” Kindle ran his hand through his hair and paced the kitchen. He stopped. “You want to give it to him?”

“No, Kindle. I want to rest like Cairns says. It is the exact advice I would give to myself as a doctor. I should heed it.”

Kindle stepped to me and rubbed his hands up and down my arms. “We’ll leave after the allotment.” He held out his arm. “Let’s go back to your room. And rest.”

We thanked our hosts and walked down the wide thoroughfare back to the residence, where we found the young Cheyenne girl, Running Brook, waiting for us on the porch steps.

“Aénhé’ke sent me,” the girl said.

“For what?” Kindle said.

I put my hand to my temple. “I forgot. Aénhé’ke invited me to a celebration tonight. Her homecoming.”

“I thought you were going to rest?”

“I promised I would go. Please come with me. I don’t think I can face them all on my own.”

Kindle studied me with his one uncovered eye and rubbed his beard. He nodded. Henry Pope walked up. “Hello. And who’s this?”

“Running Brook,” I said. I took Henry Pope’s arm and pulled him down the street. “Come on, Henry. I’m going to help you get your Indian story.”

“You are?”

“Yes. We’re going to an Indian welcome-home party. Do you have your pencil and paper?”

He patted his coat pocket.

“I thought that was your flask.”

He pressed his hand on one pocket, then the other. “Yes, there it is. Safe as houses.”

Kindle fell in beside us. In the distance, the drums started beating.