CHAPTER

31

I knocked on the library door, and after a pause and the sound of a chair scraping across the floor, Sister Magdalena called out, “Yes?”

I opened the door and poked my head through. “Is now a bad time?”

“No.” She sniffed and turned away from me, but not before I saw her swipe at her cheeks. “Come in.” When she turned back, she’d regained some of her composure, but her eyes were red. “Have you come to tell me you’ve decided to stay.”

“Yes.”

Mary clapped her hands together. “Oh, I’m so pleased.” She walked around the desk and hugged me, which I returned. “It will give us the opportunity to get to know each other better.”

“I’d like that.”

Mary released me. “Would you like some coffee?”

“Yes, thank you.”

“I won’t be a moment.”

I perused the shelves of books while she was gone. It was an impressive library with titles on a wide range of subjects. I was flipping through a volume on entomology when Mary returned. “Sophia is bringing it directly. You’re welcome to any book you want to borrow.”

“Thank you for A Tale of Two Cities.”

“You’re welcome. The opening came to mind after hearing about your journey.”

“I understand why.”

Mary motioned for me to sit. Once we were both settled into our chairs, I said, “There are a couple of things I want to talk to you about, clear the air, so to speak.”

“Such as?”

“I learned what you thought of me when we first met. A whore, Mary? Truly?”

Mary’s face flamed. “Did William tell you?”

“I wasn’t sure it was true. Thank you for confirming it.”

“William should have never told you—”

“He didn’t. He wouldn’t want me to think less of you. Just as he didn’t tell you I was the one who killed your brother. He wants us to like each other. To be friends. Sisters.”

Mary smiled and nodded. “I wondered which one of you would tell me the truth about John.”

“You knew?”

“Yes, and I never thought you were a prostitute. But I knew the accusation would make Billy indignant.” She shrugged one shoulder, and one corner of her mouth quirked up into a mischievous smile. “I’m his big sister. I can’t resist needling him when the opportunity arises. As to John, Beau wrote to me. Told me he was mustering out of the Army and that you shot his father in the back.”

I blanched. Though Beau Kindle had been present when I killed Cotter Black, I wasn’t sure he knew the full story of his father’s role in the abuse I suffered. Would he look on the act with more compassion if he did? I doubted it. The shock of losing his father mere moments after learning he was alive, along with Beau’s youth, most likely led to his simplified explanation.

“Black could have stopped me. I was weak, trembling. Instead, he mocked me, my courage.” I reached back and tapped the base of my skull. “I placed the gun against his head and pulled the trigger. If he sat right there”—I pointed to the chair next to me—“I’d do it again. Without hesitation.” I inhaled and released the breath slowly, the memories of that time threatening to derail my thoughts. “Before the massacre I would have never imagined myself capable. An old Texas Ranger told me everyone has killing in them, most haven’t been driven to the point yet. I thought it was absurd at the time, but he was correct.”

“Murder is a mortal sin.”

“I am not Catholic. I didn’t come for absolution. I wanted to make sure if you disliked me, it was for a pure reason, a truth, instead of a lie. William and I have been forced to lie about who we are for weeks, and will most like have to lie for the rest of our lives. I want to have one place, one person besides William who knows who I am. Who will not judge me.”

Mary raised her eyebrows. “You do realize I’m a nun.”

I laughed. “Yes, but I think you are more forgiving of other people’s faults than other religious people I’ve known.”

Mary studied me for a long time. “I don’t dislike you, but as William’s sister, it is my job to be protective. To make sure you are worthy of his loyalty and devotion. Coming to me, telling the truth about killing John, took great courage. It’s a quality I admire in people, because I so rarely see it.” She cleared her throat and busied herself with straightening papers on her desk. “As to forgiveness, the world is a better place without John Kindle, or Cotter Black, terrorizing and killing innocent people.”

Sophia knocked and entered on Mary’s command, releasing the tension in the room. She placed the tray on a table and started to pour. “I’ll serve. Thank you, Sophia,” Mary said.

The young woman nodded, then glanced at me with a questioning expression. I shook my head slightly and winked. Mary handed me a cup. “Is there something else, Sophia?”

“No, Sister.”

“Thank you.”

She closed the door quietly behind her. “Kindle said Sophia is uncommonly intelligent,” I said.

“She is.”

“Yet, you’ve turned her into a kitchen maid.”

“As opposed to what?”

“Letting her teach the other children, and finding her a teaching position when she ages out.”

“Who, precisely would she teach? White communities wouldn’t want her. Negros can’t pay her.”

“She’s been released from two positions. What makes you think this one will be successful?”

“I hope she realizes it is her last chance, and that she will be turned out if she fails.”

“If she goes to Chicago she will end up on the streets,” I said.

Mary narrowed her eyes at me. “How do you know that?”

“She told me she plans to run away as soon as possible. She’s a pretty girl. I would hate for her to be ruined at such a young age.”

“When she was a child, I hoped she would have the temperament of a sister.”

“She asked me to teach her midwifery.”

Mary sighed and looked to the heavens. “This is precisely why she keeps getting turned out. She doesn’t know her place. She should have come to me.”

“I think she knows her place perfectly well. She wants to better it.” A sharp pain penetrated my abdomen. I gripped my stomach and grimaced. “I want to help her.”

“What’s wrong?” Mary said. “Are you ill?”

“I’ll be fine. Thank you. Sophia can’t go to Chicago.”

“It’s all arranged.”

“She knows who I am. She read the article.”

Mary swore under her breath, but not quiet enough that I didn’t hear her. I moved around the desk and whispered in her ear. “It hasn’t occurred to Sophia that she could turn me in for the reward and not have to worry about service or selling herself on the street. If you send her to Chicago, she’ll figure it out quickly.”

Mary studied me and I saw her consider turning me in herself.

“If I am exposed, Kindle will be as well. The Army will try him, and possibly execute him.”

Mary looked down and rubbed her forehead and didn’t see me grimace in pain. I balled my hands into fists to keep myself from clutching at my stomach.

“Let her stay. I’ll take her under my wing, teach her about midwifery and nursing. If she doesn’t make a good midwife, you can place her. She knows you’ll be watching. One month. Give me—her—that at least.”

“One month. If she steps out of line at all, she goes into service.”

“Thank—” I gasped and doubled over as another pain shot through me and I felt a warm trickle of blood slide down the inside of my thigh.