I HAD CROSSED THE BARRIER, AND NOW THERE WAS NO turning back. Once I had kissed Dave it was impossible to stop kissing him. And as long as I was kissing him, it was a sign to him that I was fair game, and he increased his pursuit.
As the days went by we developed a very pleasant relationship. Dave went out of his way to spend every free moment with me—I would look up, and, unexpectedly, he would be there, his eyes glowing with so much love that my heart couldn’t help but soar. Dave was always there to dance with me at night, hold my hand and put his arm around me and kiss me. We had long conversations about our lives, our families, and our aspirations, and I found that Dave had many of the qualities I had always wanted Lenny to have. He had a wonderful, stable family life, living with both his parents in a large private home in the suburbs of Boston; he did well in school; he had a great future as a lawyer in store for him. And he respected my wishes to keep our physical relationship limited to kissing, even though I knew he wanted more.
My relationship with Dave was so much simpler than my relationship with Lenny. Being with Lenny was something like a ride on a roller coaster, with him I had experienced the ultimate highs, but also the lowest lows. I had always tried to change what was wrong with Lenny, to fix him and get him to do things I thought were right, and there were always conflicts and tension between us. With Dave there was nothing I felt compelled to change; as a result, we had no conflicts, and our relationship was on easy, level ground. Dave was always full of compliments, telling me how good I looked, how beautiful my eyes were, how he thought the things I said were clever and brilliant, how wonderful it was to find a girl who had deep feelings and cared about other people and wasn’t out to see how much a boy could do for her. I loved the feeling of being wanted and appreciated.
I felt great when I was with Dave, but I didn’t feel great when I thought of Lenny. Dave was good to me, and I liked him more and more each day, but Lenny was the one I loved and had committed myself to. But if I really loved Lenny as much as I thought I did, how could I be getting so involved with Dave? Was it possible to love two boys at once? It was all very confusing, and I was torn by guilt.
The first time Lenny called me after that night with Dave I could hardly bring myself to speak to him.
“Hi, sweetheart. Boy, have I missed hearing your voice. I’m so miserable here without you. The only thing that keeps me going is the thought of being with you again,” he said.
His words only served to increase my guilt feelings. “Oh—I—uh—I miss you, too,” I managed to say.
“You sound strange, Linda. Is something wrong?”
“No. Uh, nothing’s wrong.”
“Is something going on I need to know about? Like with that guy who’s after you, Dave?”
“No, no. Nothing! I mean we’re just very friendly and all that.”
“Well, make sure that weasel understands that you’re mine, and he’s not to get too friendly.”
“He understands, he understands. He even told me he feels like ‘just friends’ is now his name.”
Lenny didn’t laugh, but he did get off the topic of Dave. I breathed a sigh of relief. I was a person who liked to be open and honest. I hated to lie and to deceive anyone, especially Lenny, but at this point, what else could I do? Telling him about the physical contact between me and Dave could only serve to hurt Lenny. It didn’t mean anything anyway. A summer away in the country like this was a fantasy. It was easy to become enchanted by the magic and the romance. Once the summer was over and Dave went back to Boston and I went back to New York and had to deal with the realities of everyday life again, it would be over. I would be back to the Linda I knew, loving Lenny and only Lenny.
My guilt feelings worsened with my next conversation with Lenny. That’s when he told me he had been so sick with stomach pains and high fever that he had spent most of the week in sick bay instead of going to classes. Lenny had gone through a period of being sick a lot when he was in boot camp that had really worried me, but he had seemed fine recently. The fact that he was sick again with the same symptoms he had had before was very upsetting.
“Oh, Lenny, that’s awful! Are you okay now?”
“I seem okay. But I’m afraid it could happen again, and I don’t trust the navy doctors—they still haven’t been able to find out why I keep getting sick. Not only that, but this illness put me so far behind in my classwork, I’m going to have to work like crazy to catch up. I don’t know how I’m going to do it.”
“You’ll do it, Lenny. I know you can.” I tried to encourage him. I felt terrible that Lenny was having such a hard time of it while I was enjoying myself here in the country. The fooling around with Dave might not mean anything, but I knew that if Lenny found out about it, he would be really hurt and upset nonetheless. I resolved to end this thing with Dave right away, before it had a chance to do any damage.
For two days I kept out of his way and avoided seeing him, hibernating in my room with the excuse that I didn’t feel well and needed rest. But I couldn’t keep that up for long. I hated staying by myself in my room, with nothing but a novel to keep me company. And I could see by the look on Dave’s face when I passed him at the pool without stopping for a few friendly words, as I did ordinarily, that he was hurt and confused by my actions. This made me feel lousy as well. It seemed that no matter which course of action I took I was going to wind up hurting somebody.
Roz told me I was being silly, and that I should be thrilled to have two boys who wanted me so much. I was far from thrilled. I was miserable.
The next night was Saturday, and as was typical for Saturday nights at the Grandview, the kids had planned something special. This week it was a camp-fire. We would barbecue hot dogs and toast marshmallows and sing songs and tell ghost stories. I had really been looking forward to the campfire, but now that I was trying to avoid Dave, I decided it would be better if I didn’t go.
“Not go? Why on earth not?” demanded Roz when I told her my decision Saturday afternoon. We were out in the playground pushing some kids on the swings.
“Because if I go, something is bound to happen with Dave. I can’t stand the guilt, Roz. The more that goes on with Dave, the guiltier I feel because I know I’m hurting Lenny. As long as I’m committed to him I have no business fooling around with Dave or anyone else. What I’m doing is totally wrong!”
“Says who?” Roz demanded.
“Says me. I keep having these arguments with myself. Part of me tells me it’s right to be loyal to Lenny. The other part of me longs to be with Dave.”
“You poor thing. Do you know that what you’re describing is a classic conflict between head and heart?”
“Conflict between head and heart? What are you talking about, Roz?”
“Well, I once read this philosophical article that claimed people are made up of three parts: mind or head, heart, and body. Everything goes along great as long as these three parts want the same thing, but unfortunately, it rarely works that way. It’s not working that way in your case right now. Your head is telling you you should be loyal to Lenny, but your heart and body are crying out for Dave. The result—the conflict you are feeling.” Roz looked very proud of herself for having analyzed my situation so cleverly.
“That sounds great, Roz. Except for one thing. It’s Lenny my heart really belongs to. I’ve loved him for three years, remember?”
“Love, love, love! Linda’s in love!” sang out Jody, this spoiled little kid I was pushing on the swing. That did it for me. The last thing I needed was to have my business spread all over the hotel by some four-year-old brat.
“Okay, Jody, swinging time is over now.” I stopped the swing and lifted her out. “Go play in the sandbox.” I quieted her protests. “Roz and I have to get ready for your art project.”
Roz followed my lead and took her kid out of the swing as well. As we set up the art materials on the table we could continue our conversation without being overheard.
“This is the way I look at it,” said Roz. “You care for Dave enough that your heart wants to have some sort of relationship with him, but your head tells you that to do so would be a betrayal of Lenny. Result—you feel guilty and don’t know what to do.”
“That’s right, I don’t.” I sighed as I set up jars of finger paint on the picnic table where we did our outdoor crafts. “What do you think I should do?”
“Only you can decide that. But I’ll tell you one thing—if you really want to have Dave, you shouldn’t feel guilty about it, because it’s not wrong; what would be wrong would be to give him up for Lenny’s sake. You know it’s my personal opinion that you shouldn’t be tied down to any boy, but we’re not talking about what I want. You’re the one who has to listen to what your head, heart, and body are telling you, and make your decision based on that.”
“I want to finger-paint first!” Jody came running up to the table and demanded. The other kids followed her lead and were soon swarming over the picnic table, clamoring to paint. I saw my opportunity for a private conversation with Roz had ended. But she had already told me what I needed to hear. It was up to me to examine my heart and my head and see if I could get them together.
* * *
That afternoon, before I could make up my mind whether or not to go to the campfire, I received an unexpected call from Lenny.
“I had to call and tell you the news, Linda! I’m getting out of the navy! They’re letting me out!”
“Out of the navy! But how? When? Why?”
“They’re giving me a discharge for medical reasons. After I spoke to you I had another episode of stomach pain and fever. The doctors gave me all sorts of tests for every major disease you can think of, and I don’t have any of them. They sent me to a therapist, but he couldn’t find any psychological reason for my illness either. Then everyone involved had a conference and came to the only logical conclusion. As long as I keep getting sick, the navy can’t help me, and I can’t be of use to the navy. That’s why they’re letting me go. It’ll take a few weeks for the paperwork and all, but from what they tell me, I should be getting home by the end of the summer. Won’t that be wonderful?”
“I guess,” I said hesitantly.
He picked right up on my hesitation. “What’s the matter, Linda? We can be together again—I thought you’d be as happy about that as I am.”
“I am happy about that, but one thing bothers me. All the reasons that you joined the navy in the first place—because you couldn’t get along living with your mother at home, because you needed schooling so you could get a decent job, because you wanted to get away from the bad influences in the neighborhood, like your friends who were into gambling and staying out all night—none of that’s changed. What’s going to have gotten better when you come back home again?”
“I’ve changed,” he said firmly. “I’ve done a lot of growing up since I joined the navy seven months ago. I’ve gotten through basic training successfully and learned to be responsible for myself and to take adverse conditions like being sick and having to do backbreaking work. I’m aware of how important it is for me to get on the right path once I get home, and I’m going to do it, Linda. Trust me, that’s all. Things will work out; I know they will.”
“I think they will, too, Lenny. It’s just—it’s so hard being separated from you like this.”
“But that’s all coming to an end soon. Be a little patient and—”
I heard a click, and then a dial tone letting me know we had been cut off. I waited by the phone, hoping Lenny would call me back again, but he didn’t.
What Lenny had told me did nothing to resolve the conflict within me. Instead of being overjoyed by his news, I was even further confused. As much as I loved Lenny, the existence he had been leading before he joined the navy had created nothing but trouble. I wasn’t sure that he had been in the navy long enough to straighten out, especially since he would be leaving before having a chance to finish his school program. I didn’t want to go back to the way things were before, when we were having so many fights about the fact that he was doing nothing to better his life and our future together.
I leaned up against the phone booth, deep in thought, my head resting in my hands.
“Life couldn’t be that terrible.” The voice broke my concentration. I whirled around, and it was Dave. Here I was, face to face with him, unable to avoid him any longer.
“I just got off the phone with Lenny. He’s getting a discharge, coming home from the navy.”
“Oh.” You could see Dave turn pale, even under his summer tan. “And when will that be?”
“Probably not till the end of the summer.”
“Good. Then it makes absolutely no difference to us, anyhow.” He bent to kiss me, but I pushed him away.
“Dave! This is all happening too fast for me! I don’t know if I can handle it!”
“There’s nothing to handle, Linda. Don’t make such a big deal over everything; relax and let nature take its course. I’ve got to go meet Perry now. I’ll see you tonight at the campfire.”
“I’m not sure if I’m go—” Before I could finish my statement Dave was gone. And I still didn’t know what was right for me to do.
* * *
The more I thought about my situation, the more I felt the right thing to do would be to end it with Dave before we became further involved. I decided to go to the campfire and find an opportunity to talk to him and explain the reasons for my decision.
The campfire started out to be great fun. All the kids gathered the wood, built the fire, and sat around in one big group as we cooked and ate our food, told our stories, and sang our songs. Then the temperature dropped, and to keep warm we wrapped ourselves in blankets and huddled around the fire.
That’s when people began pairing off, kissing and making out under the blankets. That’s when I realized this was not going to be a good place to break anything to Dave.
I had told Dave before we came to the campfire that I had a lot of thinking to do, and I would appreciate it if he would limit our physical contact to hand-holding. So far, he had gone along with my wishes, although I could tell by the tenseness in his body that he was far from happy with the situation.
“Mel and I are going back to the room to warm up,” Roz came over to me and said with a wink. I got her message. She wanted a block of time alone with Mel.
“Okay. I won’t be back till late,” I told her, although I knew this would increase the pressure on me with Dave.
Once Roz and Mel left, Perry and Alice, the girl he was with, left, too. A few at a time, other couples drifted off on their own, until Dave and I were the only ones remaining at the campfire.
Under the blanket we sat, side by side, holding hands and watching the fire. That is, I was watching the fire; I could sense that Dave was watching me. I struggled to find the right words with which to tell him that we had to stop all physical contact before further damage was done.
I took a deep breath and came out with it. “Dave, we can’t go on like this. The summer will be over, and someone’s going to wind up getting hurt,” I began. I turned to him, and that’s when I saw, in the light of the campfire, the anguish and longing etched into his face.
His grip tightened on my hand. “I can’t worry about what might happen when the summer is over, Linda. I can’t look into the future and predict what is going to be. This moment, now, is all I have, and all that matters to me. And the only thing I can tell you is that I’ve come to love you, Linda. And I want you more than I’ve wanted anything in my life. I love you, I really do!”
I looked into his eyes, brimming with unshed tears, and I saw that he meant what he had said. He really believed he loved me and that this moment was all he had. How could I be so cruel as to turn him away?
His face drew closer, and I found myself unable to protest. His lips crushed mine in a kiss so intense and passionate I could feel all his pent-up longing. I found myself responding to his urgency and kissing him back.
That’s when I realized that I was caught up in a flow of events that I was powerless to control. Lenny would get out of the navy, he would be furious about Dave, and our love might or might not be strong enough to get over it. My relationship with Dave might or might not stand the test of time and separation once we left the country and went back home. I had no idea in which direction the future might lead me.