DAVE LOVED ME; I SAW IT IN THE WAY HE LOOKED AT ME, in every word he spoke and gesture he made. Dave loved me, and sometimes I felt very powerful emotional responses toward him, but did that mean I loved him, too? For a long time I had thought I knew what love was; with Lenny there had been no question in my mind. But if what I felt for Lenny was real love, how could I explain the times when, I thought I felt the same way toward Dave? Was it possible to love two people at once, or were my confused feelings evidence that I really loved neither?
I had the questions, but I didn’t have the answers. I only knew that as long as I didn’t think about Lenny, the summer was one of the best in my life. The beautiful mountains and sunsets, the sun-drenched heat of the days and the star-spangled cool of the nights wove a magically romantic spell I had no power to resist.
I went with the flow, and by mid-August events had led to the gradual strengthening of my relationship with Dave. Once I had stopped fighting the inevitable, we were together all the time. On rainy days he came to stay with me in the kiddy camp building, or we would sit together watching the movies he showed in the rec hall. On sunny days I saw him at the pool and on the grounds. And nights, those magical, romantic nights, we danced together and walked and talked and made out to our hearts’ content.
“Linda, I’ve been thinking,” he began quite innocently one night when we were sitting together in our spot by the pool. “You haven’t even started college yet; you’re not locked into Barnard in any way. Why don’t you put in an application at U. Mass.? It would be so great if we could go to the same school.”
I immediately felt the knot in my stomach that appeared there whenever I was reminded that someday I was going to have to make a choice between Lenny and Dave. “That’s really impossible, Dave. My parents couldn’t afford to send me to an out-of-state school. The only reason I’m going to Barnard is because I got good financial aid and I’m living at home to save costs.”
“Oh.” His face fell. He thought for a moment and then brightened. “Well, my parents are already paying top dollar for my education. I bet I could find somewhere in New York City comparable in cost to U. Mass, and transfer there. My parents give me almost everything I want. I’m sure I could convince them to go along with this, too.”
I blinked, not sure I had heard him correctly. “Dave, are you serious? You’ve had two years at U. Mass.; you told me yourself how great the campus was and how much you loved the school. Why would you want to transfer to the city?”
He gazed into my eyes with an intensity that was frightening. “Because I love you, Linda. Because I can’t stand the thought of being without you when the summer’s over. Say the word and I’ll start the transfer process tomorrow!”
I was not ready to handle this. “Oh, Dave, I wouldn’t think of having you change schools at this point. Try to understand—I have to see Lenny before I can make any decisions, to find out how I really feel about him and how this thing between you and me was able to happen. Let’s keep things the way they are for now, and we can discuss it again after the first term of college.”
Dave was not happy with my answer, but for the time being he accepted it. He had no choice but to accept the way I felt in every aspect of our relationship. His position with me was too uncertain for him to try to force his will. Dave knew perfectly well that as much as I cared for him, I had not yet made up my mind to choose him over Lenny.
As for my relationship with Lenny, it seemed to be getting worse in inverse proportion to the way things were going with Dave. Our letters and phone calls were filled with arguments about what would be the best thing for him to do once he left the navy. He wanted to find a job and take some courses at night. I thought it would make more sense for him to concentrate on schooling so he could get a better job someday, and to work only enough to get some spending money. Whenever we discussed the subject we would wind up feeling tense and angry.
On top of our heated arguments on this sensitive issue, Lenny never spoke to me without making some mention of Dave. Having to tell Lenny that Dave was not important to me when this was no longer the truth set my nerves on edge, and I was such a terrible liar that it was obvious that Lenny didn’t believe me. Instead of looking forward to his phone calls, I came to dread them. My greatest fear was that Lenny would get his discharge before the summer was over and decide to come up to the country.
On August 17, at precisely five o’clock, came the call I had dreaded most. “It’s happened, Linda. Finally! My papers arrived today. Two more days and I’ll be officially discharged from the navy, a free man!”
“That’s—uh—that’s great, Lenny!” My heart was pounding with fear. “What are you going to do, go straight to New York?”
“That’s my first destination. Then I was thinking of taking a little vacation. Somewhere nice and restful, like the White Mountains of New Hampshire!”
I didn’t know what to say. How could I tell my boyfriend of three years that it would be disastrous for him to come up and see me when that had been the main thing he had been looking forward to for so long? “Well, uh—well, Lenny, I’m not sure that would be such a good idea. Not that I’m not eager to see you, or anything, but it could cause problems up here.”
“Problems? What sort of problems?”
“Well, I—uh—er, the owners don’t like the staff to bring friends here. They think that kind of thing interferes with doing our jobs properly. And I really won’t have much time to spend with you. I’m busy with the kids all day long. Besides, you should be devoting your attention to getting your act together there in the city. And it’s not that long before the summer will be over, and I’ll be back home again. It’s better to wait until then.”
“Are you kidding, Linda? None of those reasons are worth staying away from you one day longer than I have to. Unless—unless—”
“Unless what?”
“Unless there’s something going on there you haven’t told me about to keep me away. Like with that Dave. That’s it, isn’t it, Linda? You don’t want me to come up and spoil your thing with him!”
“No! No, that’s not the case at all, Lenny. You don’t understand!” Desperately, I tried to put aside his suspicions. “You’d have to see the routine here to know how hard it is to have visitors. It would be too much for me. That’s why I don’t want you to come!”
I heard him suck in his breath, and then there was a moment of silence. When he finally did begin to speak his voice held a mixture of anger and pain. “Well, now you said it—you don’t want me to come. I never thought I’d live to hear those words from your mouth, Linda. Not from you. Well, I’ll think about those words good and hard when I’m getting out of the navy and going back to the city. I’ll think about the welcome home I got from you and wonder what I did to deserve it But don’t rest too easily, Linda, because you never know. At any moment, when you least expect it, I could turn up before your very eyes!”
He hung up before I could say anything else. I was left feeling so awful, I was tempted to call the navy to try to speak to him some more. But I had no idea of how and where to call to try to find him, and talking to him would probably make matters even worse.
I decided to wait until Lenny got home before trying to contact him. In the meantime I hoped that he would come to his senses and decide not to visit New Hampshire after all.
If Lenny was to get his discharge on August 19 and go to the city first, the soonest he could get up to New Hampshire was August 20. I didn’t really think he would come after the conversation we had had, but I wasn’t sure.
All day on the twentieth I found myself going absolutely crazy thinking about it. To relieve the tension I told the kids in my camp group that a friend of mine, named Lenny, might be coming on the bus that night.. We made a game of going to the bus stop to see who would be first to spot the bus, and then who would guess who Lenny might be.
The bus was due at seven-fifteen, right before we brought the kids back to the dining room to meet their parents. Roz and I sat the kids on the front lawn on top of a hill, where we had a good view of the bus stop, and sang songs with them to pass the time. We were in the middle of “The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round” when Dave made his appearance.
“I’ve been looking all over for you, Linda, but you were in none of the places you usually take the kids. What are you doing here?”
“We’re waiting for the bus to see if Lenny’s on it!” Jody piped up. For a little girl, she certainly had a big mouth.
“What does she mean, if Lenny’s on it?” Dave looked at me questioningly.
“Oh, it’s a game we’re playing,” I told him nervously. “I really don’t think Lenny will be on the bus after I made it clear I didn’t want him to come. But, of course, with him you never know!”
“He’d better not be.” Dave had a glum look on his face as he stood by our group.
The bus was late, and we were gathering up the kids to take them to the dining room when we heard the sound of a vehicle approaching.
“The bus! The bus! I see the bus!” Jody called out. “And I bet that’s Lenny getting off now! Am I right, Linda? Did I win for spotting him first?”
“You sure did,” Roz answered for me, for I couldn’t say a word. I stood there as if frozen to the spot, staring at the apparition of Lenny emerging from the bus and intruding on my neat little world of the country where he didn’t belong. He looked at me and then at Dave, and then back at me again, and I knew that whatever happened, nothing would ever be the same again between us.
It was Roz who broke the ice. “Hi, Lenny! Welcome to the Grandview Hotel! I’m sure you and Linda have a lot to talk about, so I’ll take the kids back to the dining room now. See you later.”
“Okay, later.” Lenny barely acknowledged her. He turned to me. “Well, Linda. Is this the kind of greeting you give me after not seeing me for two months?”
The hurt in his voice got through to me and shook me back to reality. “Oh, Lenny, I’m sorry, I was just so shocked to see you—I didn’t really think you would come!” I went over to give him a hug.
“Nothing would keep me from you, Linda— nothing!” He wrapped his arms around me and kissed me right there. I clung to him, and that’s when I noticed how thin he was. I could feel the bones right through his T-shirt. He must have lost at least ten pounds since I had last seen him!
I pulled back from him and looked him over. His face was thin and drawn and haggard, and his color was pale. “Oh, Lenny, what happened? You look as if you’ve been much sicker than you’ve let me know.”
“I have,” he said. “But that’s not important now. What matters is that I’m here with you.”
I hugged him again, and then I looked up and saw Dave. For a moment I had forgotten all about him, but there he was, still standing on the spot where he had been when the bus arrived, and looking at us with an expression of distaste.
I don’t know what I would have done then if Roz hadn’t returned. She took one look at our little scene and decided to take charge of it. “Well, I think we all know each other, except for Dave and Lenny. How about if you two be adult and civilized about everything, shake hands, and start out as friends?”
“Okay with me.” Dave approached Lenny and cautiously extended his hand. “I’m Dave Balen. I can’t say that I’m glad to meet you, but Roz is right. We might as well be adult and civilized.”
Lenny loosened his grip on me, and for a moment I actually thought he might shake Dave’s hand. He didn’t. “Adult and civilized? That’s easy for you to say, since I haven’t been working all summer to steal your girl away from you, you dirty, sneaking, low-down—”
Lenny came out with a string of curse words that made me want to sink right into the ground and disappear. I saw Dave’s face go red with anger, and he clenched his extended hand into a fist.
“No, Dave, don’t!” I stepped in front of him before he could hit Lenny. “We don’t want any fighting! We could both lose our jobs, and someone could get hurt!”
“That someone is going to be him!” Lenny put his fists up and moved in closer to Dave. “I’ll turn this stumpy little punk into mincemeat!”
“Lenny, please!” I turned to him and begged. “Just give me one minute to talk to Dave, and then I’ll spend the rest of the evening with you, I promise!”
For a moment it looked as if Lenny was too angry to back off, but then he did. “One minute,” he said warningly, then he went over to talk to Roz.
I motioned to Dave to come over and talk to me behind a tree. He gave Lenny one last glare, then followed me.
“I should have killed him!” Dave pounded his fist into his palm. “Who does he think he is, coming up here and taking over? You’re not married to the guy! He doesn’t own you!”
“No, but I do owe him a lot for all the years we’ve been together,” I said. I felt awful, torn in two directions, not knowing which way to turn. I didn’t want to hurt either of them, but there was no way we were going to get out of this situation without someone’s being hurt. “Please try to understand, Dave. You can’t pay any attention to the awful things Lenny said—it’s only because he’s so hurt and angry. He came all the way up here to see me, and I’ve got to spend this time with him—it’s the only way to find out how I really feel about both of you. You’ve got to be big enough to back off and leave us alone together. Do it for me, Dave. Please!”
* * *
Dave looked at me, and I could see how hard this was for him. He clasped me briefly to his chest. “Okay,” he said, and his voice cracked with emotion. “I’ll leave you alone with him until tomorrow.” Then he let go and walked away.
It was so strange being with Lenny in all the places that, until now, I had gone to only with Dave. We went to get Lenny something to eat at Sam’s Cafe and sat at a table by ourselves. I was uncomfortably aware of the looks I was getting from the group of kids who sat at our usual table, kids who were accustomed to having me there with them and with Dave. I couldn’t wait to get out of Sam’s and go sit out by the pool, where Lenny and I could at least be alone.
But being alone with Lenny was not any easier. Lenny was brutal with me, demanding to know exactly what had been going on between Dave and me all summer and not letting up his questioning until he was satisfied I had told him every detail. I told him that I had fully intended for Dave and me to be “just friends,” but things had gotten out of control and developed to the point where obviously we were a great deal more. It was especially painful to tell Lenny about the night Dave and I had first kissed, but I swore to him our physical relationship had gone no further than that.
I don’t know if Lenny believed me or if it even mattered whether he did. The hurt he was feeling from my betrayal of him was horrible to see.
His eyes grew misty, and his voice cracked when he spoke. “You have no idea how sick I’ve been, Linda— how hard it’s been for me to get through these last few months in the navy. And all the time the thing that kept me going was the thought of you, loyal and waiting for me. You were like the vision of an angel to me; I had you up on a pedestal. And now that vision is shattered—it’s as if you shot me in my heart! How could you do this to me, Linda? How could you?”
Nothing he could have said would have made me feel worse. Hot tears rushed to and spilled out of my eyes. “Oh, Lenny, I’m so sorry!” I sobbed. “I didn’t want to do anything to hurt you—this thing with Dave was not something I was looking for or wanted to occur. I kept fighting what was happening, but after a while it became much too strong to fight. I thought I loved you—I really did! I had no idea I could feel anything for any other boy. I had no idea!”
I put my hand on his shoulder, and he turned back to face me. He saw my tears and took me in his arms. “I still love you, Linda. I don’t know why, but I do.”
He kissed me with tremendous passion, and I kissed him back, my heart aching for having caused him so much pain. We made out for a while, both of us trying to recapture what we had once had together, but it was not like it used to be. In the past it had always felt right to be making love because I had been so sure of my feelings for Lenny, but this was no longer the case. Now I felt strangely detached from him. My body was going through the motions, but my head and heart weren’t in it.
Lenny must have sensed my detachment, because he pulled away from me. “It’s not working, is it? That connection we always had between us has been severed. You don’t love me anymore, do you?”
I felt awful to hear him express it that way. I didn’t want to hurt him further, but it was probably better to be honest than to try to pretend. “I don’t know, Lenny, I just don’t know. I still care for you, I really do! But I can’t truthfully swear that I still love you, because I don’t know if I could feel the way I do about Dave at the same time. I’m so confused—it’s so hard—I just don’t know what to do!”
“What to do? The choice is clear to me, Linda. You can still have me if you want me, but you’re going to have to end it with Dave. You can’t be my girl and carry on with him at the same time!”
“Your girl!” I repeated the words, and suddenly the direction I had to take became clear to me. “Oh, no, Lenny, it can no longer be that way. I’m too young; I’m too unsure of what it is I really want. I’ll be starting college this year, meeting lots of new people, having new opportunities. This is a time in my life when I need to be free—free to get to know others and to get to know myself as well. As much as we’ve been through together and as much as I’ve loved you, I don’t want to be tied down to you. I don’t want to be tied to Dave either, for that matter. I’m willing to see you whenever you want to see me, but it has to be on my terms. At this point I have to have the freedom to date without having to answer to you or anyone else!”
“You can’t mean that, Linda! Not when I love you so much!” He stared at me, his eyes full of anguish, and for a moment I was tempted to back down from my stance. But something inside of me knew that the decision was right for me.
We stayed up half the night, talking about it over and over, and Lenny used all his tremendous powers of persuasion to make me see things differently. I didn’t waver. I knew my freedom was something I had to have, even if it meant losing Lenny. He could accept our relationship under these terms, or he could break up with me. It was up to him.