THE FOLLOWING SUNDAY I WOKE UP WITH THIS HEAVY knot in my stomach I couldn’t explain. It took me a moment to realize that this was the day of Lenny’s nineteenth birthday, the first birthday in four years we wouldn’t spend together.
I didn’t know why this should bother me so much. I was so angry at Lenny for the scene he had made when Dave was visiting that I had been keeping away from him as much as possible. I was doing so well in my resolution not to think about Lenny that I even amazed myself.
But now I found I couldn’t get Lenny out of my mind. I kept thinking about other birthdays we had spent together—his and mine. We always went out of our way to do something to make the day special for each other. It didn’t seem right that I shouldn’t be able to at least wish him a happy birthday. I went outside, determined that if I happened to run into Lenny, I would be especially nice to him.
I didn’t run into him in the park or the schoolyard or the candy store, the usual places the kids hung out on a nice weekend afternoon. Instead of giving up, as I probably should have, I became all the more anxious to see him. I decided to head toward the poolroom on the chance I might run into him there.
The poolroom was the old-fashioned kind—dirty and sleazy, up a flight of stairs. It was a place where the boys in our neighborhood loved to get together and hang out until late at night. We girls rarely went there—the boys didn’t like it if we did, and it wasn’t an atmosphere we enjoyed being in anyhow. I slowed my steps as I approached the door to the poolroom. I didn’t want to go inside if I didn’t have to—it would look too much as if I were chasing after Lenny. He would know right away that the only reason I would show up there would be to search for him.
As I got near the entrance the door opened, and out came Joel Fudd. My heart quickened. If anyone knew where to find Lenny, it had to be Joel.
“Hi, Joel!” I said. “It’s been a long time since I’ve had a chance to speak to you.”
“Don’t blame that on me,” Joel replied harshly. “It’s you who cut yourself off by breaking up with Lenny.”
“Actually, it wasn’t I who broke up with him,” I explained. “He broke up with me because I wanted to be free to date other people. But it doesn’t pay to get into that now. I was wondering if you happened to know where Lenny might be today. I—er—I wanted to tell him something.”
“Yeah, he’s up in the poolroom. Spent the night there, in fact.”
“He spent the night there?” I repeated in dismay. “Oh, no, Joel. Don’t tell me he’s fighting with his mother!” Before he left for the navy Lenny often stayed in the poolroom all night when things got so bad at home he couldn’t go there to sleep. It would be awful if this was happening again.
“Yes.” Joel confirmed my fears. “Lenny feels he needs some time to look around for the right job, but his mother is tired of waiting for him to get himself together. She wants him to take something right away.”
“But—but if he gets the wrong job, he’ll never last in it,” I protested. “He’ll wind up quitting and being back in this same situation again and again.”
“How nice for you to be so concerned about me.” Lenny’s voice dripped sarcasm. I looked up, startled to find he had come down the poolroom steps without my even noticing.
“Well, I am concerned. I told you I wanted us to still be friends.” I tried to sound cheery. “That’s why I thought I’d wish you a happy birthday.”
“Happy birthday—that’s a laugh,” he said bitterly. “This has probably been the worst birthday of my life. I’m completely exhausted from being out all night, and I’m not even going to try to go home tonight until I’m sure my mother’s fast asleep.”
“It’s a gorgeous day. Why don’t you go somewhere where you can take a nap outside?” I suggested. “Like Fort Tryon Park, for example. I’ll even go with you, if you like.”
“You will?” Lenny seemed to perk up a bit. We said goodbye to Joel and walked together to the park.
It was a good half-mile walk from the poolroom to Fort Tryon Park, but it was so beautiful there, it was worth the effort. We sat in a secluded spot, set off from the rest of the park by a thick clump of trees and bushes. Lenny stretched himself out on the grass and laid his head in my lap.
“This is wonderful,” he breathed. “The first real relaxation I’ve had in days.”
“I’m glad,” I said, hoping the emotion I was feeling could not be detected in my voice. Physical contact with Lenny was getting to me. I felt that energy, that mysterious force that had drawn me to him so many times in the past. I looked down, and he appeared to be on the verge of sleep. He looked so sweet, innocent, and vulnerable, I couldn’t resist stroking the hair that tumbled over his forehead.
“Hmm. That feels good,” he murmured. “I could almost pretend that you still like me.”
“You don’t have to pretend. I do still like you—although your behavior at times really gets me furious.”
“Oh. You mean like that little scene I set up for Stumpy’s benefit?” he laughed. “Wait until you see what happens next time he comes in!”
“Lenny!” I shoved his head off my lap. “How could you be so immature? Dave acted like a real gentleman when you came up to New Hampshire!”
“Well, that’s his problem! I intend to do everything in my power to let him know that while he’s up at school I’m right here in the city with you. It’s only a matter of time until you realize it’s really me you love and say goodbye to Stumpy for good!”
“Oh? And what makes you so sure of yourself?” I demanded hotly.
“This,” he whispered, and before I knew what was happening he was kissing me on the lips.
“Don’t!” I tried to push him away, but he persisted.
“Come on, it’s my birthday,” he said pleadingly.
The kiss had already weakened me. I couldn’t resist him, although my head knew it would be better if I did. But after all, it was his birthday. I wrapped my arms around him and kissed him back.
* * *
Lowering my resistance was the worst thing I could have done. Once I had kissed Lenny and felt that powerful magnetic attraction that still existed between us, it was very hard to keep him out of my mind. I kept thinking about him, wondering about what he was doing, worrying if he was getting along with his mother or finding a job. One day I spotted him from a distance, deep in conversation with some girl I didn’t know. Sheldon mentioned to me that Joel was seeing someone new and that he had fixed Lenny up with one of her friends. After that I couldn’t help wondering how I would feel if Lenny fell in love with someone else.
Once school started it was easier to keep my mind off Lenny. I was busy with learning the routine of classes, finding my way around campus, getting to know my teachers and what they expected of me, and meeting new kids. I was still in awe over the fact that I was actually in college. I liked the intellectual atmosphere and the fact that the teachers treated us as adults, expecting us to be responsible for our own work without checking up on us. College was much more difficult than high school had been, and I really had to concentrate and work hard to get good grades. I took my schoolwork very seriously. I was there to learn, and I wanted to learn everything I could.
* * *
Of course, this didn’t stop me from looking around at the boys in my classes. I had not yet met anyone I was interested in, but I knew that it was important for me to develop relationships with other boys if I wanted to maintain my resolve to keep my distance from Lenny. After all, having the freedom to date others was a main reason I had broken up with him in the first place. Dave tried to write, call me, and come to see me as much as possible, but it wasn’t enough. I was still much too vulnerable to Lenny.
The next time Dave got to the city was about two weeks after school had started. He grabbed me and kissed me as soon as he got off the bus.
“Did I ever miss you!” he said, gazing into my eyes with love.
“I missed you, too,” I answered awkwardly. I felt uncomfortable at not being able to return the obvious intensity of his feelings.
We walked to my house together, Dave talking to me excitedly about the plans he had made for the weekend. I began to relax. His plans really did sound great.
On Friday night we went to see a movie, and on Saturday afternoon we went out to the Bronx to visit Perry. It was great to be with Perry again and away from the influences of my neighborhood.
Saturday night Dave took me to a party at a fraternity house in downtown Manhattan. It was Alpha Epsilon, a branch of the same fraternity he belonged to in Boston, and Dave had a friend, Paul, who had transferred to school in New York and was a member here. It was he who had invited us to come to the party.
“Hi, Dave! Great to see you!” Paul was very friendly as he greeted us at the door. “And this must be Linda. I’ve heard so many wonderful things about you!”
“You have?” I was surprised.
“Yeah. I couldn’t believe it when Dave told me he was thinking of following in my footsteps and transferring to New York, even when he told me it was because he’d met this fabulous girl. But now that I’ve seen you in person, I can start to understand why. And having good old Alpha Epsilon right here in the city will help him make the adjustment just fine! Why don’t you two go into the party room, taste some of our fine food and drink, and listen to some of our fantastic music? I’ll introduce you to the regulars; they’ll make you feel at home.”
The guys at Alpha Epsilon did make us feel at home, and it really impressed me that Dave was part of such a great fraternity. We danced together all night, and being there in his arms, gliding across the floor to the music, made me recall what was best about my relationship with Dave. We fit together so well and so smoothly; there was never the stress and tension, the wild ups and downs I had with Lenny.
But even as we danced I found there was something troubling me about Dave. I brought it up to him in the cab as we rode home from the party.
“Dave, how come you said that to Paul about transferring to school in the city?”
“How come? Because I wanted to find out what fraternity life was like in New York before I arranged to transfer here. Having gone through the process himself, Paul’s the one to tell me what I need to know.”
“You mean you’re still thinking about transferring? You really want to do that?”
“Of course I do. This is no way to live—not seeing you for weeks at a time. It’s going to get worse once I get loaded down with schoolwork, too. I probably won’t get to see you now until you come up to Amherst for homecoming weekend in October. After that, I’ll be lucky if I can make it to New York once before Thanksgiving, and after that, I won’t see you again till Christmas vacation. Those are all great times to look forward to, but it’s not enough, Linda. I want to be with you all the time. I can’t stand it when we’re apart. I’m ready to apply to school in New York right now!”
“But Dave,” I protested, “I thought we had an agreement. We were going to wait and see how things developed before you did anything drastic like transfer schools. If you came to New York, it would mean a commitment between us I’m not ready to make. I still need time to be free, to date others, and to completely work out my feelings about Lenny.”
“Lenny?” He jerked his arm from around my shoulder and looked at me intently. “Don’t tell me he’s still in the picture. You haven’t been dating that lousy bum again, have you?”
“No-oo,” I said slowly. “But that’s not to say I never would. And he’s not a lousy bum—he just still hasn’t straightened out all his problems.”
“My, aren’t we being defensive of Lenny tonight?” Dave said sarcastically. “And here I thought you’d have him out of your system by now, for sure. What’s he been doing, chasing after you again?”
“As a matter of fact, he hasn’t. I only saw him once since the last time you were here—for his birthday.”
“For his birthday. How cute. And did you give him a birthday present?”
“No, of course not. I just—” I stopped myself in time to avoid divulging how I had spent Lenny’s birthday.
But Dave wouldn’t let the matter rest. Sensing that something was going on between Lenny and me, he badgered me until I finally admitted I had kissed Lenny for his birthday.
“It was only a kiss; it didn’t mean anything,” I swore. And then I got annoyed at myself for having to defend myself to Dave. “Look, Dave, I never promised you I wouldn’t see Lenny—or other boys, for that matter. I told you from the beginning that I need a period of freedom before I commit myself to anyone. That’s why I don’t want you to think about transferring yet. It’s too soon for me to know what I want.”
“Well, okay. If that’s the way you feel about it.” Dave pulled away from me and sat in the corner of the seat with his arms folded sulkily. He stared out the window and wouldn’t say anything to me for the rest of the ride home.
I wasn’t used to seeing this side of Dave, and I certainly wasn’t used to this style of fighting. Lenny and I would get angry, yell, and have it out until we resolved an issue, but we never went for long periods of time without speaking. I couldn’t stand the tension between Dave and me. I decided to try to make up with him.
“Come on, Dave.” I grabbed his hand as we walked up the steps to my apartment. “You’re leaving tomorrow morning, and it’s stupid to spend our last hours fighting. I do care about you, I do. You’ve got to give me some time, that’s all. Everything will work out if you just give me some time.”
He turned to me with a look of hurt and desperation. “You don’t leave me very much choice, do you? I love you too much, Linda, and that’s my problem.”
I felt so sorry for him that I threw my arms around him and kissed him on the lips. “You can’t love anyone too much,” I said softly.
But later on, as I lay in bed thinking over the evening, I realized what I had said wasn’t really true. It was possible to love someone too much. I had felt that way about Lenny many times in the past, when he had done things to hurt me and our relationship, but I still kept coming back for more. At times like those, my love for him was damaging to me—I really was loving him too much.
It wasn’t like that for me and Dave, though, I told myself. I would never willingly do anything to hurt him, so he couldn’t be loving me too much.
I didn’t know then what was in store.
* * *
If I thought I had escaped Lenny that weekend, I was mistaken. He was there on my corner, leaning up against the window of the candy store and eating a slice of pizza as Dave and I left my apartment the next day on our way to the bus station.
“Hey, Linda, want to finish my crust?” he called to me laughingly. He was referring to a private joke we had between us because of the fact that he never ate the crust of the pizza, so I would always finish it for him.
“No thanks, Lenny,” I said nervously. I hooked my arm through Dave’s and began walking quickly up the block.
“Aw, come on, Linda. You hate to see waste. I’ll save it for you. You can come eat it after you dump off Stumpy.”
Now I could see exactly what Lenny was doing. He was using the pizza to make Dave think that as soon as he left on the bus Lenny would be there to move in and take over. It was a cruel and rotten thing to do!
“I won’t want it then, either, Lenny,” I called out to him. “So don’t bother to be around.”
But Lenny was around. He followed us to the bus station and waited in hiding until the bus pulled into the street. Then he jumped out, making sure Dave would see him, and with a sadistic grin he slowly waved goodbye.
I saw the helpless look on Dave’s face as he watched Lenny from the window. He was leaving, and Lenny would be with me, and there was nothing Dave could do about it.
The bus pulled out of sight, and I furiously stormed across the street to where Lenny was standing. “You have no heart at all, Lenny Lipoff! How could you be so mean and cruel?”
“It comes easily,” he said, laughing. “Especially when I’m dealing with Stumpy. There’s something about him that draws out every mean and cruel bone in my body.”
“Well, it seems your body is full of those,” I said hotly. “And I want no part of them, or any other part of your body, either!” I whirled around and stalked away from him.
“Is that so? Somehow I didn’t get that impression last time I was with you,” he said, following after me. “Or are my lips the only exception to that statement?”
I stopped short. “You really are something, Lenny! You make me sorry I ever try to be nice to you!”
“It always pays to be nice, my sweet,” he said, grabbing my hand. I tried to shake away, but his grip was too strong for me. “Now calm down. I’ve got some news I think you’ll be happy to hear.”
“Oh, yeah? And what would that be?” I ceased my struggle.
“A job. I went to an employment agency Friday, and they think they have the perfect position for me. They’re trying to set up an interview for me next week.”
“Next week? Then the job is far from yours, Lenny. Talk to me after you get it.”
“Well, truthfully, I was hoping to get a bit of incentive from you. To help me decide whether or not to take it.”
“Incentive? Like what?”
“Like a promise to go out with me. After I’m working and have some money to pay for our date, of course.”
“I’m not promising anything, Lenny. It all depends on your behavior between now and then. And besides, isn’t there some other girl you’d rather go out with now? Some friend of Joel Fudd’s I heard about?”
“Uh-oh. It sounds like someone’s been talking to you about June.” He laughed. “That’s purely a good-time situation. Means nothing.”
This unwanted picture of Lenny making out with another girl flashed into my mind, and it bothered me far more than I wanted to admit. I blinked my eyes to chase it away. “So you don’t need me to go out with after all, Lenny. As long as you have your ‘good times,’ what else could matter?” I was angry enough now to pull my hand out of his and make my escape up the block.
“What a temper!” he called after me. “On second thought, I’m not so sure I want to go out with you anymore, anyhow!”
This time he didn’t chase after me. Part of me was glad about that, but part of me was very disappointed.
What was there about Lenny that could still get to me this way?