IT WAS IN EARLY OCTOBER, WHEN THE TREES WERE CLOAKED in colors of autumn splendor, that I went to homecoming weekend at U. Mass. This was an event I had been looking forward to for a long time. It was my chance to be with Dave and to see what a big weekend at a real college campus was like as well.
That Friday afternoon found me riding up on the bus with my nose pressed against the window. This was all new territory to me, and the scenery kept getting more and more beautiful. But even all the beauty wasn’t enough to prepare me for how wonderful the University of Massachusetts turned out to be.
It was the perfect fantasy of what a college campus should be: ivy-covered buildings, spacious lawns, streets of quaint New England houses lined with towering majestic trees. The day was clear and sunny, and the sky a brilliant blue background for the vivid autumn colors. Pumpkins and bunches of Indian corn decorated every lawn.
“I bet you can’t help learning in an atmosphere like this,” I said to Dave as he drove me from the station in the car he had just gotten as an early twentieth-birthday gift from his parents. “It’s so beautiful, it makes me sorry I didn’t decide to go to an out-of-town college. I can’t believe you’d even consider leaving a place like this to come to New York.”
“It doesn’t matter where I am. I’ll be happy just to be near you.” Dave stole a quick kiss while we were stopped for a light. “Of course, it would be even better if you would find some way to transfer up here with me.”
I looked around the lovely streets and for a moment was filled with longing. I sighed. “I told you I couldn’t do that, Dave. My parents can barely afford Barnard.”
“Well, we’ll have to stick with the original plan of my going to school in New York. If you missed me half as much as I’ve missed you, you should be ready to agree to that by now.”
“Dave, please, let’s not start that again. I keep telling you I’m not ready for a step like that. We’ll see how things work out for next year.”
His face fell. “Then I guess you haven’t missed me much at all.”
“I didn’t say that, Dave. Of course I missed you!” I hated always having to reassure him. It made me uncomfortable, especially since it was true that if Dave was aware of how little time I spent missing him, he would be very unhappy. But there were too many things going on in my life now to devote much energy to missing Dave. I was busy with schoolwork and the baby-sitting and tutoring I did to make extra money. And then, of course, there was Lenny.
Lenny was still not working, and he would show up at the corner candy store at least several times a week. At first I tried to keep away from him, but he was behaving himself so well that after a while I allowed myself to get into some deep conversations with him. After all, even if we weren’t going together, he was still wonderful to talk to. We actually began getting friendly, and a few times he even came down to Barnard to meet me and sit in on some of my classes.
“I might as well get some exposure to education while I’m waiting for my job to come through,” he told me laughingly when I asked him why he did that. “Besides, didn’t I ever tell you that I enjoy your company?”
I couldn’t deny that I enjoyed his company, too. I could have more fun doing nothing with Lenny than doing the greatest thing in the world with someone else. This realization disturbed me. Lenny still had problems, and I didn’t want to get back into a situation where I became so involved with him that I would lose sight of the fact it was best for me to date others.
Then, two days before I left for homecoming, Lenny met me on the corner with some wonderful news. “The job! I got the job I wanted!”
“That’s great, Lenny! Is this the job you told me about? The one from the employment agency?”
“Yes. The name of the company is Freight Consolidating—it deals with shipping, freight forwarding, tariff rates, and all that.”
“Oh. I don’t know the first thing about that field. I didn’t know that you did, either.”
“I don’t, but I can learn. I love working with numbers. It’s a great business, Linda. Manufacturers all over the country want to save money on shipping, and our company pools their merchandise together so they can get the best rates. The ICC—the Interstate Commerce Commission—regulates all this stuff, so it’s really complex, and you have to know what you’re doing and how to operate a computer. There’s so much to learn that there’s even a school for traffic managers. My boss told me the company would send me there if I worked out. Finally I’ve got a job with a future! And now that I’m respectable again, I want to take you out this weekend, Linda, to celebrate.”
“Oh.” I felt awful. I was so excited for Lenny, and now I was going to have to tell him about homecoming. “Uh—I’d love to go out with you, but unfortunately I already have plans for the weekend.”
“Well, break them. This is something special.”
“I can’t. Homecoming is only this weekend, and I’ve got my bus ticket and everything.”
“Homecoming? Is that one of those whoop-dee-doo, phony college weekends where everyone gets drunk and makes a jerk out of himself?”
“I wouldn’t put it that way, Lenny. There’s a parade with floats, and a big football game, and lots of parties, and—”
“Say no more; I’ve got the picture.” His face flushed with anger. “You just have fun with your college boy, Linda. I’ve got more serious things to deal with, like making a living and getting on with my life. And I’m sure I can find someone else to celebrate with while you’re up there in fantasy land.” He turned on his heals and stalked away.
Fantasy land. It was strange that the words Lenny had used so disparagingly turned out to be the very words that entered my mind to describe homecoming weekend at U. Mass. The houses on the blocks nearest the campus were all fraternity and sorority houses, and in front of each one was a float constructed for the football parade. The streets were filled with college kids, laughing and calling out to one another as they put the finishing touches on the floats.
“Here we are—Alpha Epsilon house,” Dave announced as we pulled in front of a large clapboard house surrounded by a huge porch. It was already growing dark, and he took me on a quick tour of the house before depositing my things in one of the rooms that had been set aside for visiting female guests. He introduced me to my roommates for the weekend, Shelly and Robyn, and to the fraternity brothers who lived in the house.
“So you’re Linda. I’ve heard so much about you.” I kept hearing that remark whenever I was introduced to someone new. Finally, after the dinner that the guys fixed for us was over and the party for the evening had begun, I managed to get Robyn alone in a corner of the large living room long enough to ask her what it was that she had heard.
“Why, that Dave’s madly in love with you,” she told me. “And that he’s planning on marrying you as soon as possible.”
“Marrying me?” I repeated in amazement. “Is that what he said?”
“Well, I couldn’t swear for sure that he said it. I only heard it secondhand. Tom, my date for the weekend, told me one of his brothers is so crazy in love he’s ready to quit school and get married. The brother he was talking about was Dave.”
“Quit school and get married! But Dave wants to be an attorney. That means years more of school. He couldn’t have said that. He couldn’t!”
Robyn looked at me as if I were crazy. “I don’t know why you’re getting so excited, Linda. I’d be pretty flattered if Tom said something like that about me. Besides, I told you what I heard was secondhand. If you want to know the truth, why don’t you talk to Dave? Here he comes now.”
I looked up, and there was Dave approaching. “They’re playing one of our favorite dance numbers from the summer,” he pointed out to me before I could ask him anything. “Let’s get up there and dance!”
“Okay.” I let him take me in his arms. It was amazing, but as long as we were dancing, that old magic clicked between Dave and me. I could close my eyes and pretend I was still with him in the country, gliding across the dance floor as if the two of us were made to be together in each other’s arms.
But the dance ended, and there was still the issue I had to clear up. “Dave, I need to talk to you. Is there somewhere we could go to be alone?”
“Sure, there’s an enclosed porch down the hall. No one will disturb us there.”
But as soon as we got to the porch he began kissing me with such passion that it didn’t seem the time for a serious discussion.
After all, it was a long time since Dave and I had been alone together, I told myself. And he really had missed me. I figured what I had to say to him could wait until the next day.
* * *
But when Saturday came, there was no opportunity to speak to Dave alone. In the morning was informal breakfast—a chaotic affair with boys and girls jamming the kitchen, trying to cook eggs, pancakes, and bacon all at one time. Then it was off to the homecoming parade, and then the game itself. I understood basic football, but not the finer points of the game, so Dave was busy explaining the moves to me. Massachusetts won, and the spectators erupted with cheers of joy. Dave was in a terrific mood, and I didn’t want to spoil it right then with serious conversation that could be put off until later.
Later was the big fraternity victory party. The boys built a fire in the fireplace and brought in pizzas, sandwiches, bottles of wine, and a huge keg of beer, and the celebrating began. At first it was fun. The guys took turns getting up and making funny speeches, toasting the school, the football team, and one another. But each toast meant another round of beer, and that meant the crowd was getting progressively drunker, louder, and more rowdy as the night wore on.
I wasn’t big on alcohol. I didn’t like the taste of beer, and a glass or two of wine was all I could handle without feeling sick, so I just held on to my same glass of wine all evening so I wouldn’t look out of place. Dave showed no such restraint. He put away mug after mug of beer, keeping up with the biggest guys in the fraternity.
I wasn’t very happy about this. Dave was starting to act silly, and he couldn’t even dance right. The more Dave drank, the more he lost his sense of rhythm and style. He began leaning on me heavily, and his weight was too much for me to support.
“Let’s forget about dancing, Dave,” I said finally, pulling out of his arms. “I’ll be leaving in the morning. The weekend is almost over, and we still haven’t had a chance to talk.”
“Talk? Sure we can talk.” He grinned drunkenly. “We’ll go to the porch the way we did last night.”
“Not if you’re going to do what you did last night,” I protested. “At least not until we really do have that talk.”
Dave promised, so I put my arm around him and helped him down the hall to the porch. But as soon as we sat on the wicker sofa he started kissing me again.
“Come on, Dave. You promised!” This time I was firm in pushing him away.
“Whad’s da mattah?” He slurred the words, a hurt expression on his face.
“I mean it about talking, Dave,” I said. I decided to get right to the point before he hit me with another onslaught of passion. “I’ve heard rumors that you’re telling people you’re going to quit school and marry me. You don’t mean anything like that, do you?”
For a response, Dave aimed another kiss at my lips, but I managed to turn away so that he only got my cheek. “Come on, Dave. I want you to answer me.”
“Mean it? Of course I mean it. Ever since I met you, Linda, you’re the only thing on my mind. I can’t even concentrate on school anymore. My grades are slipping, and if they keep going down, I probably won’t get into law school anyway. If I quit school and we get married, it’ll be much better. Once we’re together, I can finish school at night. Marry me, Linda. Say you will! I love you so much!” Having said these words, he started kissing me over and over again so that I could hardly get a breath of air, much less a chance to protest.
“Dave, stop!” I finally got out the words.
But Dave wasn’t listening. He kept kissing me all over, moving his hands all over my body, pulling at my clothes and at his. That was when I realized where he intended this to lead. It was not what I wanted—not here, not with him in this horrible drunken state.
“No, Dave, no!” I increased my struggles. With great effort I managed to push him off me. I rolled away from him, looked up, and saw he was immediately coming back for more. Instinctively I swung out my hand and slapped him across the face.
Whack! The sound of the impact frightened me as much as it startled him. “You—you hit me!” He held his hand to his cheek in disbelief. “You hit me—you couldn’t love me—you hate me!” He grabbed a throw pillow and threw it over his head, and I heard the sound of him sobbing into it.
“Come on, Dave, I don’t hate you.” Now that it was evident he wasn’t going to attack me further, I felt sorry for him. Tentatively I put my hand on his shoulder. I could feel his body shaking with unhappiness.
Gently I stroked his back, his hair. The sobbing stopped. “Now, let’s talk about this sensibly,” I said, removing the pillow from his face.
But Dave would do no more talking that night. He had passed out there on the sofa, incapable of doing anything more than sleeping off his alcoholic binge.
I untied his shoes and took them off his feet, but I was not about to touch the rest of his clothing. Leaving him sleeping on the sofa, I went out of the room and closed the door.
* * *
In the morning I was so disgusted with Dave that I didn’t even want to see him again. I stayed in my room talking with Shelly and Robyn until it was almost time to leave to catch my bus. I had gone down to the kitchen to find out about calling a cab when Dave made his appearance. He was still dressed in the clothes in which he had fallen asleep.
“Sorry I slept so late, Linda. I meant to get up early so we could have more time together, but I guess I had too much to drink last night.”
“You certainly did,” I said quietly.
“Boy, is my head ever splitting!” He pressed both hands to his forehead. “And foggy! I don’t remember a thing! I hope I didn’t say or do anything out of sorts.”
“As a matter of fact, you did. You got very pushy physically. And you were saying all these crazy things about quitting school and getting married.”
“I was?” He shook his head in disbelief. “Well, I’m really sorry about that—there’s no excuse for acting that way. It just goes to show you, drinking too much can really get you into trouble. I hope you can forgive me, sweetheart. It wasn’t really me doing and saying those things—it was the alcohol! I’ll never drink that much around you again, I promise!” He went and poured himself a cup of black coffee and sat down at the kitchen table, looking up at me like a guilty puppy.
He looked so miserable and so sincere that I decided to forgive him. It was true that alcohol could make you do and say all sorts of crazy things. But there was still something I had to straighten out.
“I just want to clarify one thing with you, Dave. You’re not serious about failing classes and quitting school, are you? You still intend to be an attorney, right?”
“Quitting school?” He gave a startled laugh. “Did I tell you that last night? Boy, I really must have been out of it to say something like that! I’m having a tough time in a few of my classes this term, but it’s nothing I can’t handle. And of course I still want to be an attorney. Do you think I’d do something dumb like blow my whole future?”
I put my hand on top of his and gave a sigh of relief. “I’m glad to hear you say that, Dave. Because you know that one of the things I most admire about you is that you’ve got your head together about school and are on your way to a good career. I’ve had so many problems in that area with Lenny that I certainly wouldn’t want to have to go through that scene again with you!”
“Don’t worry about that,” Dave assured me. “I wouldn’t let you down. As long as you love me, that’s all the incentive I need to help me succeed!”
It didn’t seem like the right time to remind Dave that I had never come out and told him I loved him, that I was still confused as to what real love was and exactly what I wanted.
“Just keep doing the right thing,” I said. “That way things will work out for the best for everyone.”
As he drove me to the station I noticed the weather had changed drastically overnight. The day was dark, chill, and drizzly, and a stiff wind had blown many of the colorful leaves off the trees. The beautiful floats had already been dismantled, and the kids that were out on the streets were hurrying to take shelter indoors.
I could see now that going to school at U. Mass, was no panacea. Parties couldn’t go on forever, there was hard work and studying, hassles with teachers and roommates, fights and broken romances, too. When it came down to it, wherever you were, you still had to deal with reality.