WHEN I GOT BACK FROM HOMECOMING WEEKEND I FELT absolutely drained. My relationship with Dave had seemed so simple when we were in the country; it had brought me nothing but pleasure. I didn’t understand what had happened to complicate it so in the short time since we had returned home. Why was he talking about things like quitting school and getting married, things that I was far from ready for?
I still wanted a relationship with Dave, but I wanted it the way it used to be. I didn’t know how to handle this new side of him. I was actually relieved that he wouldn’t be able to come to New York for over a month; it would give me a chance to breathe and sort out my feelings.
As for Lenny, once I had turned him down for the date I didn’t get to see him at all. I knew he was working and didn’t have much time to hang around, but I also knew he could have made some time to see me if he’d wanted to. It seemed as if he were deliberately avoiding me. As much as I hated to admit it, I missed the time we had been spending together.
The week after homecoming I ran into Joel Fudd, who gleefully informed me that Lenny had taken out Lauren Blum instead of me on Saturday night. Lauren was one of the many girls who had made the mistake of allowing themselves to fall in love with gorgeous Joel, only to have their hearts broken. I had only met Lauren once, but that was enough to know she was very nice and not the kind of girl Lenny would take out just to have a “good time.” I told myself I shouldn’t care about this, but it made me a lot more unhappy than I wanted to admit.
“He’s going out with her again this weekend,” Joel seemed quite happy to add. “They’re going to a party Sheldon’s throwing on Saturday night.”
“A party at Sheldon’s? Sounds good. Maybe I’ll show up if I have nothing to do,” I told him.
“That would not be a good idea,” Joel said bluntly.
I stared at him. Parties in our neighborhood were usually informal and open to any kids from our crowd who wanted to come. “Why not?”
“Because, as I told you, Lenny is coming with Lauren. I know for a fact he wouldn’t want you there.”
This got me really angry. “Lenny wouldn’t want me there? Well, who is he to determine something like whether or not I can come to a neighborhood party?”
Joel laughed cruelly. “You might as well face it, Linda. Lenny’s got a lot of power in this neighborhood. Everyone thinks what you did to him was pretty rotten. No guy who is a friend of Lenny’s would ever come near you, and you’re going to find yourself excluded from a lot of neighborhood events.”
What Joel said made me feel awful. Although there was no one in the neighborhood I was interested in romantically, I had hoped to be able to go out with some of the boys as a way to ease into the social scene. And now I was being totally shut out. It wasn’t fair. I hadn’t broken up with Lenny in order to hurt him. I had only done it because I had thought it would be best for me!
Saturday night found me sitting home alone, watching an old movie on TV. It was one of those romantic films, with soft music playing in the background as the camera focused in on the final kiss between the hero and heroine. I guess I shouldn’t have watched anything like that because it made me ache with longing to have my love take me tenderly in his arms.
My love. Ha! I had to laugh bitterly at that, for now it seemed I no longer had a love. Lenny was on a path that led away from me; my feelings for Dave seemed to swing back and forth like a pendulum; and if there was someone else destined for me in the future, I had no idea where or when he might turn up. Maybe it was because I had been so used to having a boyfriend around me all the time that I felt lost without one. I wasn’t sure. But the sad fact was that now that I had acquired the freedom I had wanted so badly, truthfully, most of the time there wasn’t all that much I wanted to be free to do. Most of the time I was downright lonely.
I worked myself up into such a terrible state of feeling sorry for myself that I had a hard time falling asleep that night. When I woke up on Sunday feeling just as rotten as I had on Saturday night, I knew it was time for me to seek some guidance. I went to visit my friend Fran Zaro and told her all that was going on in my life and how I was reacting to it.
“All this freedom I wanted doesn’t seem to be bringing me the happiness I thought it would,” I concluded.
“Freedom? Do you call what you’ve been doing freedom?” Fran demanded as we sat in the room she shared with her younger sister. Even shorter than I was, Fran had frizzy black hair, a pale, freckled complexion, and beautiful violet eyes that were usually hidden by thick glasses. But all Fran had to do was take off those glasses, and she was instantly transformed into someone very desirable. Fran had no problem getting boys interested in her. She played the field, dating one after another without getting involved with any of them—exactly what I thought I should be doing. She was the perfect one for me to go to for advice.
“What you need is to forget about both Dave and Lenny for a while,” she said. “Turn your attention to other boys—go out with lots of them. Find out what the dating game is like. Stop being so serious and put some fun into your life!”
“Easier said than done,” I said gloomily. “The boys in the neighborhood won’t go out with me because they’re afraid it would get Lenny angry. I’ve gotten to know a few boys in school, but none of them has shown any interest in taking me out. I feel like some sort of vulture, the way I’ve been looking at boys recently—always watching them, always wondering if anything might develop romantically with them— and I don’t like the feeling at all. How do you go about getting boys to ask you out, anyhow? I’ve been out of practice in the dating game for so long, I guess I forgot how it’s played!”
I sighed with discouragement and sank back on Fran’s bed, staring at this painting she had received as a gift from one of the boys she went out with. It was this view of a starlit sky as seen from the inside of a cave. “You know, Fran, that painting pretty much represents how I feel about life right now—that there’s light out there somewhere, but right now I’m stuck in the recesses of some deep, dark cave.”
“Is that how you feel?” Fran laughed. “Come on, Linda! Cut this self-pity crap. It takes a while to get back into the swing of dating, but once you do, it gets a lot easier. What you need is some exposure—get out more, go to places where you’re going to meet boys, and let them know you’re available. Before you know it, they’ll start asking you out. It’s bound to happen— it’s what happened to me!”
“Do you really think so, Fran?”
“Of course. All you have to do is be willing to open yourself up to other people. You remember Mike Marlin, this guy I’ve been going out with recently?”
“Of course I remember. I ran into you with him in the street just last week,” I reminded her.
“Well, do you also remember the other boy who was with us, Jason Schultz?”
“Jason? Let’s see. I know there was another boy with you, but I really didn’t pay much attention to him. I can’t even remember what he looked like.”
“Well, he remembered what you looked like,” Fran said. “He was definitely interested, but I didn’t encourage him because I knew you were preoccupied with Dave and Lenny. But if you’re ready to start opening up to others, I think there’s potential here. In fact, Mike is taking me to a party next Saturday night. Jason is invited, too, and I know he doesn’t have a date yet. Do you want me to try to arrange something?”
“Arrange something? I don’t know, Fran. I’ve never been on a blind date.”
“It’s not a blind date—you’ve already met the guy.”
“But I don’t even remember what he looks like!”
“That’s not what matters, Linda. I won’t try to tell you that Jason is gorgeous or anything, but he’s a perfectly nice guy. I bet you’d like him if you gave him a chance. Come on, say you’ll go along with this. We’ll have fun, and it’ll be exactly what you need to pry you out of your cave. What else do you have to do Saturday night, anyway?”
It was this last remark of Fran’s that did it for me. She was right. I didn’t have anything else to do. That was one thing I really missed about having a steady boyfriend—knowing I would have something to do each weekend. I hated spending so much time alone.
“Okay, Fran,” I sighed. “If Jason is willing to take me to the party, I’m willing to go with him. See what you can do to fix it up.”
* * *
Saturday night found me sitting on Fran’s bed, gazing at my reflection in her bedroom mirror, and wondering why I had agreed to this half-blind date. I remembered how I used to look forward to my Saturday nights with Lenny, how I couldn’t wait to be with him no matter what we were doing. Now my stomach was tied in a knot of nervous apprehension. I had no idea what the evening had in store for me. Would I like Jason? Would this date be the start of a new relationship for me? It was nice to fantasize that, but truthfully, it was much more likely that we wouldn’t hit it off. What if I really couldn’t stand the guy, or if he disliked me? What if we had nothing to say to each other, or if he had bad breath or an obnoxious personality, or if he was some sort of pervert? Oooh! All these “what ifs” were driving me insane! If this was what it felt like to be dating casually and “playing the field,” I didn’t like it one bit.
“Here they are!” Fran sang out merrily when the doorbell rang. I moved to get up, but she motioned that I should sit right back down again. “Stay where you are. Rule number one when dealing with guys is not to seem overanxious. My father will get the door and tell them we’ll be right out.”
I couldn’t see the point of this but went along with it anyway. We wasted a few moments fixing our hair and checking our makeup, then went out into the living room where the two boys were talking to Mr. Zaro.
“Make sure not to bring the girls back too late,” he said, his eyes twinkling good-naturedly in his ruddy face. Fran’s father was the easygoing one of her parents. Whenever Fran had to ask for something she went directly to him. “It wasn’t so long ago that I was a boy, and I remember all too well what it was like!” He laughed knowingly.
“We won’t be late, Mr. Zaro,” Mike said, his voice polite and serious. He was dark; his hair was neatly combed, his clothes carefully pressed. He looked like the kind of person who knew what he wanted and systematically went after it.
While this conversation was going on I had a chance to take a good look at Jason. Now that I was with him, I remembered him, but I wasn’t at all surprised that I had forgotten what he looked like. He was so average-looking he was practically nondescript. His hair was brown, and his eyes, as best as I could make out behind his glasses, were brown as well. He was of medium height and build and had pasty-white skin and a slightly oversized nose. His personality was nothing to remember either. He said very little as Mike drove the four of us to the party.
It was a good thing that Fran was so chatty, I couldn’t help thinking. If it wasn’t for her, I don’t think I could have come up with much to talk about with Jason, and he certainly wasn’t contributing much to help the conversation flow.
But once we arrived at the party I no longer had Fran as a buffer. She introduced me to a few people she knew, then went off to dance with Mike. I was left standing there next to Jason, and I couldn’t think of a single thing to say.
I looked at him, opened my mouth, and closed it again. I stared down at my feet and shuffled them a little, hoping he’d get the hint and at least ask me to dance. I looked up at him again. He gave me a nervous half smile, but still he said nothing.
I didn’t understand it. Fran had said Jason was interested in me, but he surely wasn’t acting that way. Why didn’t he say something? Why didn’t he ask me to dance? Didn’t he know how to act with a girl?
That’s when I realized that this might be the problem. Maybe Jason didn’t know how to act with a girl. After all, Fran had told me he was interested in me, but he had nothing to show him that I was interested in him. It must be really hard for a boy to ask a girl out and take the chance that she wouldn’t like him or would reject him. Maybe he was waiting for some sort of sign from me that I at least thought he was okay.
I smiled at him. “Do you like dancing?” I asked.
“Dancing? Oh—uh—sure! But I didn’t know if you did,” he said apologetically.
“I do.”
“Oh—uh—good! Then will you—that is—do you want to?”
“Sure!” I let him take my hand and lead me out onto the floor.
Jason was a pretty good dancer, and I told him that when the song was over. That seemed to break the ice between us. We danced a few more dances and then went to get something to eat. I asked Jason about school, and he told me he went to Cooper Union in downtown Manhattan, where he was studying architecture. I had always found architecture fascinating and asked him some questions about it. That gave him the opportunity to really open up.
By the time we left the party I discovered I liked Jason. I wasn’t attracted to him physically, but that didn’t matter. For a change, it was nice to spend time talking to a boy on a friendly basis.
Unfortunately, I hadn’t considered what might happen on the ride home. Mike was obviously in a romantic mood. Every time the car stopped for a red light he took Fran in his arms and started kissing her. I had a feeling they would do a lot more than kiss, except for the fact that the lights weren’t long enough to get anything serious started. Still, it was disconcerting to be trying to carry on a friendly conversation with Jason in the backseat while all that passion was going on in the front.
Then I noticed that Mike had taken a turn that led away from Washington Heights. “Mike, you’re going the wrong way,” I pointed out.
“No I’m not.” He turned around and grinned meaningfully. “The night is too beautiful to waste going straight home. I thought we’d stop by Fort Tryon Park and look at the river and the stars.”
The river and the stars were fine to look at, but it soon became apparent that they were only an excuse for Mike to go after what he was really interested in. As soon as he parked the car he was all over Fran.
I didn’t know what to do. This was not an atmosphere conducive to anything but sex. And while I had decided Jason was nice to talk to, that didn’t mean I wanted to make out with him. Physically, he did not turn me on.
I sat there in the backseat feeling very uncomfortable. I just hoped that with Jason and me doing nothing in the backseat, Fran and Mike would have the consideration to get their making out over with fast. I also hoped that since Jason was the shy type, he wouldn’t get up the courage to make a move on me.
My hopes amounted to nothing. Jason seemed to have interpreted my earlier friendliness as a signal that it was okay to get physical. Before I realized what was happening he had his arm around me. I didn’t object to this; it actually felt nice to be snuggled up against him in the car.
I guess Jason figured my snuggling meant it was okay to go further. Without warning he took my face in one hand and turned it toward him. His lips pressed against mine, and his tongue forced its way in to my mouth. It was so unexpected and so unwanted that I actually started to gag.
For a moment I couldn’t catch my breath. I pushed him away, and he stared at me in shocked disbelief. I felt so embarrassed that I didn’t know what to say to him.
That’s when I panicked. I lunged for the car door and thrust it open. I was out of the car before anyone could stop me, running down a path through the park and into the bushes, running away from a scene I didn’t know how to handle.
It didn’t take me long to realize that running away wasn’t going to solve anything. We were in a secluded area of the park and a good mile away from my house. Anyone could be hiding in the bushes. It was unsafe and insane for me to be walking alone at that hour. Besides, Fran had arranged the date; it wouldn’t be fair to her if I disappeared without warning. I turned and headed back to the car, trying to think of something I could tell Jason to explain my irrational behavior.
I rounded a bush and bumped into a shadowy figure hidden in the darkness. My heart pounded with fear, and I instinctively closed my eyes, waiting for some horrible fate to befall me.
“Linda! What happened?” I opened my eyes and sighed with relief when I saw it was Jason.
“Jason!” I gasped. “I’m so glad it’s you! I’m sorry for the way I acted. I really owe you an apology.” Then, as we walked back to the car together, I came out with the truth about my behavior. I told him I had been going with one boy for so long that I was really inexperienced in the ways of dating. I told him that I hadn’t been ready for it when he had come on so strong in the car, and my response had been totally involuntary. It didn’t mean I didn’t like him—I thought he was very nice. I hoped that he could understand.
Surprisingly, Jason did try to understand my situation. He stood outside the car talking to me for a long time. He put his arm around me, but he didn’t try to push anything more. He asked me questions about Lenny, and I wound up telling him the whole story of our relationship, our breakup, and the problems I was now having with Dave. Jason turned out to be a good and sympathetic listener, but that didn’t change the fact that the thought of making out with him positively turned me off.
“What was going on out there with the two of you?” Fran asked me when we finally got back to her house, where I was to spend the night.
We sat in her kitchen, drinking milk and eating chocolate chip cookies, and I told her the details of my reaction to Jason.
She burst out laughing when I described how I had bolted from the car. “Boy, you are something, Linda. You don’t have to be madly in love with every boy you make out with, you know.”
“Maybe not, but I have to at least be attracted to him,” I said. “I can’t force myself to do something that goes against me.”
“It shouldn’t go against you to make out with any guy as long as you think he’s nice,” she said. “It’s really no big deal.”
“Maybe not to you, but everyone’s different,” I told her. “I learned something from this experience. There really isn’t such a thing as carefree, ‘casual’ dating. Everything’s got its complications, and you’ve got to be prepared for them.”
“You mean like a Girl Scout—always be prepared?” She laughed at that. “I guess you’re right, Linda. You can’t force yourself to do anything that goes against you. But the fact that you weren’t physically attracted to Jason doesn’t mean you won’t be to someone else. I still think dating a lot of boys is the best thing for you right now. Don’t let this experience discourage you.”
“I won’t,” I promised. “Next time I’ll have to be better prepared.”