I DIDN’T SEE LENNY ALL THAT WEEK, BUT HE WAS ALWAYS on my mind. I thought of him even as I went shopping for Dave’s birthday gift—a set of bongo drums I knew he wanted. The day was chill and drizzly, and even the fact that I found exactly what I wanted without a hassle was not enough to raise my spirits.
I was struggling back home with the drums when I ran into Fran Zaro in the street. “Fran! You’re just the person I need to talk to!” I would have hugged her if it wasn’t for the bulky package I was holding.
“Let’s go up to my house if you want to talk,” she suggested. “It’s freezing out today!”
“What are you dragging around in the package?” Fran asked as we warmed up in her kitchen over large mugs of hot cocoa.
“Bongo drums; I got them for Dave,” I told her. “It’s his birthday, and he’s coming in this weekend to see me.”
“Oh. So I take that to mean all is going well with you and Dave?”
“Well, I guess so. I mean, we haven’t had any problems recently in our letters or talking on the phone, but that’s mainly because we’ve been avoiding discussing sensitive issues. I won’t really know how I feel about Dave until I see him again. In the meantime, I find myself constantly thinking of Lenny. It’s awful!”
“Uh-oh. Sounds like you’re heading for trouble.” Fran took off her thick eyeglasses, wiped them with a napkin, then put them back on and stared at me intently. “Let me take a wild guess, Linda. You’re starting to get involved with Lenny again, and all your fine resolutions about having your freedom and getting to know and date other boys are falling by the wayside.”
I looked at her in amazement. “How did you know?”
“I know you.” She laughed. “Plus, I happened to run into Lenny in the street the other day. We spent some time talking, and he told me that he knew perfectly well that you loved him, but you still couldn’t recognize what you wanted.”
“Oh, he told you that, did he?” I felt a flash of hot anger. “He has some nerve! He’s so dam sure of himself that he thinks he has me right where he wants me!”
“Well, does he?” Fran asked.
“I don’t know,” I admitted. “Oh, Fran, I’m so confused. You, Roz, my parents—in fact almost everyone I know—have been telling me for years that I shouldn’t tie myself down to Lenny, and I realized you were right. When Dave came along it gave me the perfect opportunity to finally make the break with Lenny, but now complications are arising from him as well. Being involved with two boys is one of the most difficult situations I’ve ever found myself in. Dave keeps telling me he’s madly in love with me, and I don’t think I feel that way about him. Having casual dates with boys I don’t care about is meaningless and frustrating. I’ve been doing it because I think I should, but I don’t really enjoy it.”
“Just because it didn’t work out for you with Jason—” Fran began.
“It’s not just Jason,” I said quickly. “It’s the whole dating scene that leaves me empty. You go out with someone and spend all this time worrying about how to act, what to say, and whether or not to make out with him. At the end of the night maybe you had a nice time or maybe you didn’t. But you know what? If you aren’t going to have a lasting relationship with the guy, it really doesn’t make that much difference.”
“It makes a difference to me,” Fran protested. “I like to have fun with a boy.”
“Okay. I grant you that it’s better to have a nice time than not to. Basically I did have a nice time with Jason, until he started coming on to me, but that still isn’t what matters. The fact remains that casual dating leaves me empty inside, because it’s not what I really want.”
“And what is it that you really want, Linda?”
I sighed. “Truthfully? Something very simple—knowing I have someone who is right for me, someone I love and who loves me back. I don’t think this casual dating—going out with boys I don’t really want to go out with because it’s supposed to be good for me—works for me.”
“Maybe you haven’t given it enough time,” said Fran. “Or maybe you really do love Lenny so much that dating others isn’t for you. In that case, you probably should go back with him and forget all this stuff that’s theoretically ‘good for you.’ Everyone’s needs are different. You’ve got to be true to your own heart.”
“Fran! I can’t believe you said that! Weren’t you the one who lectured me on the evils of going steady?”
Her face flushed. “Yes, but that was before Mike.”
“Mike?”
“Uh-huh. We seem to be getting more and more serious, Linda. I’ve been seeing him almost every day recently. He told me he doesn’t want me to go out with anyone else, and I’m ready to agree!”
“You—I can’t believe it!”
“Yes, and now I can look at your situation with Lenny entirely differently. It’s one thing to want to play the field when you haven’t met someone special. But once you do, you really don’t want to go out with anyone else.”
“That’s exactly how I used to tell you I felt about Lenny, but you never understood.”
“Well, your situation with Lenny was always complicated by the fact that he had so many problems. But now that I feel so strongly about Michael, I can see how love can go beyond complications. You see, I have them with Michael, too. He comes from Michigan and will go back there to live after he graduates in June, which will definitely pose some problems for me. But I don’t have to worry about that now. All I have to do is love him and be with him each day I can, and if it’s right for us and meant to be, the future will take care of itself.”
My conversation with Fran left my head spinning. She made me realize that while most people might feel that it wasn’t right for me to go steady with Lenny, when it came down to it, only my feelings counted. I was the one who knew how it felt to go on boring dates with boys I didn’t really care about to prove I could do so; I was the one who knew how uncomfortable it was to deal with Dave when the gap in our feelings for each other grew wider each day; I was the one who knew how it felt to keep myself away from Lenny when my heart ached from wanting him. Under the circumstances, it didn’t make sense for me to do anything but be with Lenny, the boy I really loved.
* * *
Once I had come to the conclusion that Lenny was the one I wanted, I knew I had to do something to reverse the separate directions our lives were taking. It was Thursday; Dave was supposed to be coming Friday; Lenny was supposed to be taking Lauren out on Saturday. The more he saw her, the more there was a chance he would really fall for her. There had to be something I could do to prevent that—there had to be.
I decided on a risky course of action. I would meet Lenny at the subway entrance when he got out of work that evening and see what his attitude was like. If he was willing to give up the date with Lauren, I would find some way to keep Dave from coming in.
I felt very nervous as I waited for his train to arrive. What if Lenny refused my offer? I would look like an absolute fool running after him.
I was about to change my mind and leave when I saw him approaching. He looked so good, all dressed up in a business suit, that I stood there as if rooted to the ground, staring at him. It was too late to leave; he had already seen me.
“Uh—hi, Lenny,” I said in what I hoped was a casual tone of voice. “I thought I’d come by and see how you’re doing.”
“I’m doing fine,” he said in a voice that dripped with ice. “All set for the big birthday weekend with Stumpy?”
“His name is Dave,” I said with annoyance. Darn it, it was so hard to be nice to Lenny when he was in a hostile mood. “Uh—I was thinking, Lenny. About what you said last Sunday when we were together.”
“What about it?”
“Well, maybe I could arrange it so Dave wouldn’t come in—as long as you wouldn’t be going out with Lauren, that is. I could tell him something like I got sick suddenly or whatever—”
“Whatever is that you tell him that you realized you love me and never cared for him at all and never will. That’s what I want you to say.”
“I couldn’t do that, Lenny—it would hurt him too much! I want to let him down as easily as possible.”
“There is no easy way to let down someone who loves you! When you’re dealing with someone as crazy about you as Dave is, you’ve got to make it perfectly clear you’re through with him, or he’ll never leave you alone! It’s all or nothing, Linda. The choice is up to you.”
“I can’t do that to Dave, Lenny. I just can’t do it.” I shook my head.
“Well, you sure didn’t have any trouble doing what you did to me!” he said angrily. “Look, Linda, why don’t you leave me alone? I’m perfectly happy now with the way my life is going without you—I’m finally starting to find myself. My health is better since I’m out of the navy; they love me at work, and I’m going to start traffic management school at night and really advance my career. But best of all is that I’ve found a nice, uncomplicated girl like Lauren to go out with. I don’t need you coming around with your half-baked ideas to mess things up for me!”
He turned his back to me and walked away. Tears of hurt, anger, and frustration burned my eyes. So Lenny’s life was fine without me; he didn’t need me coming around anymore, and he was perfectly happy with Lauren. Was that the case? Well, I’d show him! Not only was I going to let Dave come in that weekend, but I was determined to have the best time with him ever!