I HAD NEVER BEEN TO A FUNERAL BEFORE. IT WAS VERY SAD. Mrs. Zaro and Fran and her younger brother, Arthur, and sister, Susan, were all crying throughout the service. I felt so bad for them. I couldn’t imagine anything worse than having someone so close to you die.
How awful it must have been for the Zaros to know they would never again see the person they had loved and shared their lives with and depended on for so many years. Mr. Zaro’s death was so sudden, so unexpected. One day he was alive and joking, the next day he was gone. It made me aware of how fragile life was, and how precious. Much too fragile and precious to waste doing things that went against your true nature.
After the funeral everyone went back to the Zaro house to pay respects. I was glad I was there for Fran when I saw how many kids who weren’t as close to her as I was had shown up. There were friends from school and friends from the neighborhood, and of course there was Mike. He held her hand and never left her side, unless it was to bring her something to eat or drink. You could see by the way he looked at Fran and treated her how much he cared for her.
“Boy, is Fran lucky to have someone who loves her at a time like this,” I commented to Roz.
“Everyone’s lucky to have someone to love them at all times,” Lenny replied, having overheard. “Only not everyone’s smart enough to appreciate it.”
I stared at Lenny, and the meaning of what he had said hit me hard. There was nothing that could replace the kind of feeling that Fran and Mike had for each other. A casual date would never be here at a terrible time like this—it wouldn’t even mean anything if he was. I tried to think of who I’d want with me if someone in my family had died, and I knew the answer immediately. Dave might have a great future as an attorney, but when it came to compassion and understanding, Lenny had it way over him. There was no comparison when it came to their personalities and the way I felt when I was with them, either.
I watched Lenny. He looked so handsome dressed in his best suit. He was talking to Fran, telling her a story about an old lady named Mary who worked in his office. Mary was always cold and went to shut the windows every time Lenny opened them to get some fresh air. Lenny would wait until Mary wasn’t looking and sneak over to open the windows again, causing her to flip out and go crazy in front of the entire office. His description of Mary and her actions was so vivid and so funny that Fran actually managed to laugh.
Lenny had such a wonderful way with people, I couldn’t help thinking. When he wanted to, he knew exactly what to say to make them feel better. And he had made such great strides recently in getting his life together, despite the difficulties he still had at home. That was the moment that everything came clear to me. I couldn’t deny it any longer. Lenny was the one I wanted, and it was time I did something about it.
* * *
I asked Lenny to walk me home when we left Fran’s. It was a bit awkward being with him, as we were still affected by the somber mood of the funeral, and our usual light, teasing interchanges seemed out of place. Besides, there were many unresolved issues between us. I knew I was ready to give up Dave for him, but he didn’t. And I didn’t know if he was ready to give up Lauren.
“Well, I guess I won’t be seeing you for a while,” he said as we reached my building. “I hear you’re going to Boston for Thanksgiving, but I can’t say that I hope you have a good time.” I could see the bitterness in his face as he turned to leave.
I grabbed his wrist to stop him. “I’m not going to Boston.”
“You’re not?” He turned back to me. “Why?”
“Why don’t we go somewhere where we can talk, and I’ll tell you,” I replied.
We walked together to Haven Avenue, the last street by the Hudson River, and sat up on the wall that overlooked the river and the great gray span of the George Washington Bridge. It was a spot of great significance to Lenny and me—it was there that we had first revealed that we liked each other, it was there that we had many times shared feelings and hopes and pain.
It was almost sunset. The day had been cold and gray and wintery, but now there were some breaks in the clouds through which the dying rays of the sun managed to shine, painting the sky with strokes of fiery oranges and reds. The autumn wind blew briskly off the water, but for a change I wasn’t chilly. I guess it was because my insides were burning with what I had to say. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy, and I was afraid of Lenny’s reaction. But it was the time. I had no choice but to tell him how I felt.
He was watching the river, watching the sunset. I gazed at his profile, taking in every detail, his forehead gently sloping to his fine, straight nose, his long lashes, his lips I had so often kissed. I saw pain and tension etched into his face, and I felt awful to know I had been the cause of it. I longed to reach out and touch him, to caress away his pain, but I didn’t dare. I didn’t know how he would react to me. He was so close and yet so far away.
I took a deep breath and began to speak. “What I wanted to tell you, Lenny, was why I decided not to go to Boston.”
“Okay, tell me.” His voice was still hard and cold. He wasn’t making this any easier for me.
“Well, the first thing I want you to understand was that I never planned for anything like this to happen to us. I met Dave in New Hampshire, he went after me, and I was flattered. I was attracted to him, and he seemed to have all the qualities you were lacking—stability, dependability, a prestigious career. I listened to other people and let them convince me that was important. Plus, I guess I did need a period of freedom to find out how empty the dating scene was so I could see life more clearly. And now this death has come along to show me the way things really are.”
“And what way is that?”
“Well, to begin with, I understand now that while Dave may be doing well in school and have a successful career all lined up, that’s not what really matters. A career is only what a person does for a living, and it’s not what you do but who you are that’s important in life. Dave’s always had it so easy he doesn’t know how to handle things when they don’t go his way. The way he reacted to Fran’s father’s death showed me that he’s lacking as a person. He actually ordered me to miss the funeral and come to Boston this afternoon, or not to come at all.”
“So the fact that you’re here means you’re not going at all?”
“That’s right. And that I’d really rather spend the time with you—that is, unless you have a date with Lauren or something.” I could hear my heart actually pounding as I waited for his reply.
“Lauren? No. I wasn’t planning on seeing her because she’s going to her grandparents’ for the weekend.”
“Oh? And what about after the weekend?”
“Well, to tell you the truth, Linda ...” He paused and stared at the water, and I could tell he was enjoying keeping me in suspense. “It was getting pretty boring going out with Lauren. You see, she spent half the time talking about Joel and how unhappy she was since he broke up with her, and the other half of the time …”
“Yes?” I couldn’t stand the pauses anymore. “Go on, Lenny. Please.”
“The other half of the time I’d be saying the same kind of things about you!” Lenny couldn’t help grinning when he said this, and it was the first indication to me that I might be forgiven.
“Then you still want me? You can forgive me for what I’ve done?” I held my breath, waiting for his reply.
“Want you?” His voice cracked. “I never stopped wanting you. But how do I know that you’re really ready to want me?”
“I’m ready, Lenny. I learned a powerful lesson from all this. Life’s too short to waste time doing what other people think is right for me to do. It’s time I stopped listening to everyone else’s advice and paid attention to what my own heart is saying.”
“Your heart?” Lenny turned to look at me, and I felt a surge of hope that gave me the courage to go on.
“That’s right. My heart’s been trying to tell me what I needed to know for a long time, but I refused to listen because I was convinced that dating Dave and other boys who are headed for terrific careers was right for me to do. But now I realize that it can’t be right to deny what your heart knows. You’ve got to be true to yourself first, or things can never be right.”
“And what is it that your heart’s been telling you, Linda?”
I looked into his eyes, which were glowing with the light of the setting sun, and I was drawn to him by that powerful magnetic force I could never explain. There was no one else that made me feel that way—no one. I was so in love with Lenny. How could I have kept myself from seeing it for so long?
“That I love you, Lenny. I always have, and I always will.”
He took me in his arms then and kissed me, a kiss so intense that for a moment I thought my soul had left my body and joined with his.
I belonged with Lenny, and only with Lenny. I would never fool myself into thinking I loved anyone else again.