| |
WHEN THEY UNLOCKED lips, Danny had bright shiny eyes, which made Maggie give him another kiss. “I know, baby, I miss Mom and Pops too. Every day I think of them, but luckily I have a great big strong man to get me through the tough times.”
“Who is it? It’s that preppy guy from the taco joint down the street. I knew it. There were a few times after shopping...” (Danny made quotation marks in the air when he said, “shopping”)... when you had the unmistakable odor of food south of the border. I knew it. I knew it! After all, we’ve been through, you have to go stepping out with Joaquin at the taco spot. Hey, do you get comped or at least a healthy discount?”
“I meant you, you doofus,” Maggie said and gave him another bone-jarring kiss. “I just wish you showed up during the boring times as well. You know in good times in bad, during...”
“Hey, who’s Kevin talking to?” Danny interrupted, spinning Maggie around towards Danny’s car. He was in the backseat, waving his hands around and seemed to be having an animated conversation with himself or some unseen person in the car.
.....sickness and in health. As usual, I’m talking to myself” Maggie muttered. “Oh well, one battle at a time, Maggie, one battle at a time. I’ve never looked all that good in white anyway.”
Maggie and Danny looked at Kevin, then at each other and decided to eavesdrop on their friend and the unknown recipient of his conversation. As they snuck closer, they could hear Kevin’s voice more clearly.
“Now let’s get ahold of ourselves. We discovered the formula of the century, with somewhat unknown ingredients that transformed us into gods. Well, I guess gods is a rather strong word to use. Superhumans, yes that’s more like it.”
At this point, Danny and Maggie were making impressions of goldfish out of water and catching numerous flies while doing so. They looked at each other and sank to the ground in silent laughter. Danny started groping Maggie in an attempt to find her phone as Maggie slapped him away hissing, “This is not the time or place.”
“I’m looking for your phone so I can record this infamous soliloquy.”
“Oh, yes, yes, fantastic,” whispered Maggie as she grabbed her phone out of her cargo pants pocket, crouched by the window, turned on the video option, and pointed it in the direction of the car, as the tragedy, Kevin, Prince of Ohio, continued.
“We have erased all blemishes and imperfections and now look the best we have ever looked in our lives, and it is all due to that formula we....we absorbed? I also remember swallowing quite a bit of it too. Does one have to do both or just one? What if we had left it on longer? Would we look even younger and better? Now, now you are getting ahead of yourself,” Kevin rambled while sticking out his tongue and leaning forward from the back seat into the front seat to peer at his reflection in the rearview mirror. “There is much more testing to be done. Many unanswered questions. What kind of side effects are there and how long do they last? Ahhhhh, oh my God, what if I’m having a side effect right now and really don’t look the best I have ever looked? What if, what if I’m not really here at all and none of this really happened. I could still be back at the lab in the shower having convulsions or...gaaaaah, what if I’m in a coma right now and dreaming all of this. That’s it, I’m in a coma. Did I really think that sweet Suzanne is a gun-toting assassin? Wait, wait, don’t unplug me, you bastards, I’m here and alive. Don’t you dare unplug me!” screamed Kevin while shaking his fist at the windshield.
When Kevin was sticking his tongue out in the rearview mirror, Maggie lost it entirely and collapsed to the ground in not so silent giggles. Danny, who’d duck walked to the rear passenger side of the car and tried opening it for better audio saw Maggie collapse by the rear driver’s side of the car. Sliding Ninja-like around it, Danny grabbed the phone from Maggie and held it up periscope-like while sitting on Maggie who continued to giggle uncontrollably. When Kevin’s volume and hysteria increased to where he was threatening to break the car’s windshield, Danny could not contain himself any longer and fell over in a heap beside Maggie. After Kevin had finished talking to the car’s windshield, he sat for a few seconds trying to compose himself. Suddenly he bolted upright and like a dog catching a scent, swiveled his head from side to side.
“What is that keening, wheezing sound? Did Maggie adopt an asthmatic dog? Sounds like a big dog. Why would I have an asthmatic dog in my coma dream?” With that last inane question, Kevin peered out the window and saw two quivering bodies and one phone aimed in his direction. “Oh God, they’re in seizure and trying to call for help. There are side effects! But why would Maggie be having a seizure? Did she absorb some of the formula off of Danny? Better write that down. Kevin took a small notebook and pen out of his shirt pocket, noted the time and date, and began jotting down his observations while muttering to himself. “The formula may be transmitted from person to person by close contact and will exhibit the same symptoms as the initial subject. That is interesting. Hey, Danny look what I just discovered,” he said and opened the car door into a still snorting Maggie and Danny.
“Hey asshole watch what you are doing,” Maggie attempted to say. Overcome by the giggles once more, she actually said. “Hey, ass, snort, hole watch...” (extended laughter) “...what you are d d d doing?”
Kevin realized that instead of documenting what he perceived to be side effects, he should be assisting his friends who appeared to be in seizure. He grabbed Maggie by her head and pushed her to the ground while trying to grasp Danny’s head as well.
“What the hell are you doing?” Danny shouted as Kevin’s finger shot up his nose.
“I’m trying to prevent you from hurting yourselves while in a seizure. I thought that was obvious,” Kevin said, struggling with Maggie who was trying to kick him in the groin to get him to release the vise-like grip he had on her head.
“Who’s in a seizure? Are you going into seizure, Kevin?”
“No idiot, you and Maggie are, aren’t you?”
“No Einstein, we are not in seizure, but you will wish you were if you don’t get the hell off of us!” screamed Maggie as she wiggled out of Kevin’s grasp.
“Oh, sorry. But, what were you doing on the ground, moaning? Oh, were you two having a moment? Does that mean you two are back together again? Good, I hate to see you guys apart. What’s with the phone? Were you taping yourselves? Hey, can I take a look at that when you’re finished? Wait a second, wait just a Gosh-darn minute. That phone was aimed at the car. You idiots were filming me!”
“You see, he is brighter than he looks. You owe me $10.00,” Maggie told Danny as she helped him to his feet.
“You recorded me when I was most vulnerable when I was questioning my very sanity, while I was in an incredibly fragile emotional state,” Kevin said while pointing a finger at his two best friends.
“Of course. Why would we record you in a normal run of the mill, boring state?” asked Danny as he put his arm around his friend’s shoulders and guided him to the garage.
“I suppose you have me there. How do I look on video? I usually come off quite well, Kevin said, somewhat placated.”
“Yes, yes you looked brilliant. The best ever, in fact. Isn’t that right Maggie?”
“Yes, in fact, I just documented it for posterity using my new app, FX Zoo.”
“FX Zoo? I’ve been meaning to download that one. Hey! What did you do?” Kevin shouted lunging at Maggie and her phone which she had just tossed to Danny.
Once again Maggie was overcome with the giggles and snorted out, “When you, you,” Snort. “Lean, lean, into the front seat your butt morphs into an elephant’s big rear end while fire shoots out of your nose. It’s priceless. You’ll be the next YouTube star.” And with that Maggie collapsed against Danny and fell to the ground.