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AFTER TWO BUTT-NUMBING trips on a plane to and from China, Maggie was once again back in the picturesque Midwest, at home and describing her trip to the boys.
“You can’t believe the increase in the service, booze, and food in first-class. Oh my God, the food is actually edible! Oh, and they gave me hot towels and a little goodie bag full of toiletries too. I swiped one for each of you,” beamed Maggie to Danny and Kevin.
“As wonderful as that all was, could we get to the point, the meeting?” asked Kevin.
“Wait! We put you up in a hotel too. What did you get us from there, Mags?” asked Danny.
“Well, I thought ahead and packed an extra bag just for that—” Maggie began..
“Stop! Kevin shouted. “For the love of God, would the two of you just stop? We need to stay on track. What happened at the meeting with the cosmetic companies? Did Bond come through? Were there enough companies there to start some serious bidding? Most importantly, did we give you enough formula to use for the demonstration but not enough for them to steal?”
“Yes. Hasn’t Bond contacted you yet? They seemed to be getting into a bidding frenzy when I left. Bond said he would handle things as it could take some time to get the deal put together on his side, etc.,” said Maggie.
“A bidding frenzy? That sounds promising, right, Kev?” asked Danny as he gave Maggie a big hug.
“Oh, the entire day was very emotional. I wish I did know Chinese. As you know, I only brought a small sample of the formula. At the meeting, they decided to try the sample out on three people, but only small areas of skin. One person had a scar, the second a birthmark, and the third, this was so sad, had a burn mark on her face. I could tell she was very sensitive about it. I made sure she was the first person I put the formula on and covered the entire area of her burn, and then I put the rest on the other two subjects. We all stayed in the room. They weren’t allowed to eat or drink anything and had to stay apart from each other and everyone else. For the next several minutes, I spoke to the people Bond had gathered and talked a little about myself and how as a hobby I tinkered around with cosmetic experiments and hair products. A receptionist came in to ask if we wanted any refreshments when the scarred dude started shouting and pointing at the woman with the burn. She immediately freaked out, as would anybody when somebody starts shouting and pointing at you. I don’t think he was making any sense to anyone, despite the fact everyone but me spoke Chinese. He must have been yelling his version of ‘Oh my God’ or something. Anyway, we all surrounded this poor woman. They never did tell me her name. I wish they had because I’d have liked to keep in touch. She was so sweet and brave to have sat in that room, with all of us observing her like some sort of lab rat.”
“Baby, dearest, love of my life. Could you possibly get to the fucking point, please? Danny pleaded.
“Oh right, yes. Nothing like starting a story, getting everybody wound up, and then veering off-track,” Maggie said.
“Oh God, oh God, she’s trying to spare us bad news. The formula we gave her melted that poor lady’s face off, like at the end of Raiders of the Lost Arc, right? We are fucked, aren’t we?” wailed Danny as he paced back and forth wringing his hands like an old lady.
“Danny, pull yourself together. Remember a few minutes ago when Maggie said that there was a bidding war. Why would they be in a bidding war for face melting cream? Unless....Jesus, they want to buy the formula and use it as some sort of weapon. When that woman’s face melted off, did it take all the tissue and muscle or just the first few layers of the epidermis?” asked Kevin as he grabbed Maggie’s arm in a vise-like grip.
“It melted everything to the bone, and then the skull started to develop pockmarks as if it too were being eaten by the formula,” whispered Maggie.
She then bent over, her entire body heaving and shaking.
“Maggie, oh Maggie what have we done, we’ve become terrorists! How can we live with ourselves now?” Kevin moaned as he gently patted Maggie’s back.
Danny stopped pacing and looked at Maggie closely. “Kevin, you idiot, Maggie’s not crying, she’s laughing.”
“She’s hysterical then. Should I slap her?” Kevin asked.
“You do and you’ll be sporting a hook for the rest of your life,” snapped Maggie, wiping away tears as she straightened up.
“I guess we may have jumped the gun a little on what transpired with the woman in the test. Why don’t you proceed and we will let you finish,” suggested Kevin.
“Agreed,” said Danny
“OK. Now where was I? Yes, right, so, the scar guy was pointing and screaming at the burn woman, and she was freaking out. We all gathered around. Her face was beautiful. I mean she was cute, to begin with, burn mark and all, but as you guys know, with the formula she became something more. Her face was flawless, and she was positively glowing. She didn’t know that and was still freaked out. I had a mirror in my purse so I let her look and she couldn’t believe what she saw. She did the cutest thing. I don’t think she believed it was her in the mirror, so she kept waving her hand in front of the mirror to prove to herself that it was her reflection looking back at her. When she did that, I lost it and began crying. She looked at me bawling away and started to cry too. Luckily at this incredibly awkward moment, the other two test subjects remembered why they were there and checked their scar and birthmark and started chattering away. The scar and birthmark had completely disappeared. Luckily it’s all on camera. There were still cameras set up in the room and a cameraman roaming around as well. I also thought to take before and after photos and also had a teeny video camera in my bag aimed at the woman. I was hoping to see the formula in action so to speak.”
“Thank God Teaberry’s, or rather, your old discarded formula is extremely slow acting. It takes ages for results, like all the rest of those other products.”
“Several weeks of use will show incredible results,” Danny said in his deep announcer voice. Teaberry’s ads say hours, but the commercials don’t say how many hours, 36, 72, 200?”
“Yes thank goodness for that. That’s what sets us apart from Teaberry. China couldn’t believe how fast our formula worked,” said Maggie.
“Wow, we will have to study that video right away. You did a fantastic job as usual, Maggie. We definitely sent the right person on this mission,” Kevin said, giving Maggie a quick peck on the check.
“Hear, hear, time to break out the bubbly!” declared Danny, who then wrapped up Maggie in a rib-crushing hug.